Had a funny feeling this morning when I got up. Not any weird premonition or anything untoward. More like this feeling that hmm...today is a special day. Made myself sit down at my desk and I started counting the days off the calendar. Bingo.
It's our 500th day together!
Though abit sad that I did not get the chance to spend it with him. What a waste. Should have noted it down earlier...As I'm typing..the clock's ticking away.. our 500th day is gonna be over soon.
5 4 3 2 1....ok, it's officially our 501st day together already...
I made a promise to myself a few months back. Of what I will do on our 700th day. Gotta remember that.
He's out boozing with a bunch of friends now. Miss him alot suddenly. Alot. Just yearning for a reassuring hug and a kiss. Ones that will make me feel like even if the world crashes down on me, he'll be there to hold it up and protect me.
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Gaining Lost Ground?
Am in a more subtle frame of mind. Simmered down after the initial boil-over.
Read the post on quarter-life crisis which Heng passed to me in his comment. Spot on. Spot on. Came across a similar one eons ago too.
http://volition.blogspot.com/2004/05/being-twenty-something.html
A particular sentence caught me and lingered in furrows of my mind.
"The stupid ones plateau, the smart ones rise."
Guess I belong to the former. Though believe you me, I would very much endeavour to cross the fence. Hmm...though the fence seems abit high for me to clamber over at the moment. Been trying. Gotta plant some hand-holds and foot-grips somewhere. Some conscious effort, hard work and patience is needed definitely.
It's true how alot of us are going through the same things, the same changes, the same feelings, the same insecurities, the same confusion, the same thoughts. Been through these conversations with different factions of people. Older ones who say they’ve been through all this and just to be patient cos time will just straighten things out. My peers who are in a similar disarray and floundering around. I suppose, it’s how you handle it that makes the difference. And weeds out the stupid ones from the smarter ones. And as the boss likes to put it, changes don’t wait for us to get accustomed to them; we have to keep changing the wheels of the car even while it is running.
I have always succumbed to asking the provincial question: WHY? Why do things happen as they do? Why are things this way and not that? Are we just puppets on a marionette? Some say it’s pointless questioning so. And I agree. Even if you are on an inexorable quest seeking for answers to your WHY question, who’s there to answer it anyway? But somehow, it always ends up that this same question reverberates though my mind, despite knowing full well I probably won’t get much answers anyway. And invariably, I would end up mulling over things. Bad habit. Debilitating to the soul. Tsk.
Another bad habit I possess which the article touched upon as well. I’m a clinger. I hold on to the past tenaciously. Sometimes, over-zealously. Gotta learn to let go, pick yourself up and move on. I find comfort in the old and familiar though I know too for a fact we have to let go at times in order to move on. A friend once gave me a keychain which I treasured a lot. It held an inscription which read “Look at the past, learn from it and move on.” How apt now when I think about it.
Obstacles are meant to be crossed, not sulked upon.
Look forward and trudge on.
Yeah. Shall not allow myself to wallow and roll on a plateau.
I will be a smart one, soon enough.
Conscious effort. Conscious effort.
Read the post on quarter-life crisis which Heng passed to me in his comment. Spot on. Spot on. Came across a similar one eons ago too.
http://volition.blogspot.com/2004/05/being-twenty-something.html
A particular sentence caught me and lingered in furrows of my mind.
"The stupid ones plateau, the smart ones rise."
Guess I belong to the former. Though believe you me, I would very much endeavour to cross the fence. Hmm...though the fence seems abit high for me to clamber over at the moment. Been trying. Gotta plant some hand-holds and foot-grips somewhere. Some conscious effort, hard work and patience is needed definitely.
It's true how alot of us are going through the same things, the same changes, the same feelings, the same insecurities, the same confusion, the same thoughts. Been through these conversations with different factions of people. Older ones who say they’ve been through all this and just to be patient cos time will just straighten things out. My peers who are in a similar disarray and floundering around. I suppose, it’s how you handle it that makes the difference. And weeds out the stupid ones from the smarter ones. And as the boss likes to put it, changes don’t wait for us to get accustomed to them; we have to keep changing the wheels of the car even while it is running.
I have always succumbed to asking the provincial question: WHY? Why do things happen as they do? Why are things this way and not that? Are we just puppets on a marionette? Some say it’s pointless questioning so. And I agree. Even if you are on an inexorable quest seeking for answers to your WHY question, who’s there to answer it anyway? But somehow, it always ends up that this same question reverberates though my mind, despite knowing full well I probably won’t get much answers anyway. And invariably, I would end up mulling over things. Bad habit. Debilitating to the soul. Tsk.
Another bad habit I possess which the article touched upon as well. I’m a clinger. I hold on to the past tenaciously. Sometimes, over-zealously. Gotta learn to let go, pick yourself up and move on. I find comfort in the old and familiar though I know too for a fact we have to let go at times in order to move on. A friend once gave me a keychain which I treasured a lot. It held an inscription which read “Look at the past, learn from it and move on.” How apt now when I think about it.
Obstacles are meant to be crossed, not sulked upon.
Look forward and trudge on.
Yeah. Shall not allow myself to wallow and roll on a plateau.
I will be a smart one, soon enough.
Conscious effort. Conscious effort.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
miniscule rantings..
itchy finger...was fiddling with the html codes on my blog...darn...now my profile links and the archive links are all shifted down to the bottom of my blog page..have absolutely no idea how to bring the back to the right side of the page...help help!! anybody got any idea at all??
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there's so much irritating people out there who post spam comments on my blog...
any idea also how to get rid of them??
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there's so much irritating people out there who post spam comments on my blog...
any idea also how to get rid of them??
the story of the perpetual pessimist..
There once was a girl
Who loved to laugh and play
With all her pretty little friends
Ho-Hum they went
As they skipped and danced
And giggled and sang
As she grew older however
She laughed less
As morosity and pessimism
And uncertainty and fear
Grew their tentacles
And kept their vise on her
Let me be!
She cried angrily
Away with you monsters!
I want to laugh and dance
And be merry again
Go away and never come back!
Try as she might
Hard as she fought
It was hard to get rid of them
At certain times
She did get peace
And the motivation to carry on was strong
She met others who told her
Look into yourself
Dig deep down
Where doth your faith lie?
Where doth your strength come from?
Seek it and nurture it
Still seeking...
Still nurturing...
=====================
Thought I handled things pretty well the 2nd time round. Kept myself busy and tried not to think too much about anything..and well..just let things be..Then the delay just got my defences all down again..found myself sobbing last night..at the slightest thing. yeah...the emotional, irrational me.
so many pple are going overseas..xl n kym are going japan, celebrating xmas there..win going taiwan..oso spending xmas there...radio going to pakistan soon...the cet girls are gg bkk in nov..pq just came back from bkk..lydia just came back from hk..just hearing all these made me weep last night..i know..shallow thinking on my part...but then it's quite frustrating when u can't go and dunno when you can go..and then u hear of all these people going...and sharing their joy with you..(wtf..hmm..selfish of me..)
there's a lot of pent up energy within me..dunno why..i go to sleep restless. i wake up restless...i go through the motions of the day restless. hmm...frustrating. my forehead is clasped in a perpetual frown and i'm having tummyaches cos of my constant tenseness and grumpiness..am i i just stressing myself for no apparent reason? and it's driving me nuts...nothing much to do at home..watch tv, read book, surf net, read papers and you repeat the cycle all over again. and today's only tuesday? I still have 10 more days to go at least before 11th oct..
i wake up thinking...it's yet another day..damn how am i gonna spend this day?
shit..i have to wash myself clean of such thoughts..i can't allow myself to get down in the dumps again..argh..BUT there's nothing to keep myself occupied!! there's nothing to keep myself busy!!! there's nobody to keep my mind off things!! there's no work to do to keep my thoughts from wandering!!! there's no colleagues around to talk trash with you!!!
it's been a week since i last saw him..exactly a week..offered to come on sunday but flew my kite. disappointed but anw, he's not obligated.
Who loved to laugh and play
With all her pretty little friends
Ho-Hum they went
As they skipped and danced
And giggled and sang
As she grew older however
She laughed less
As morosity and pessimism
And uncertainty and fear
Grew their tentacles
And kept their vise on her
Let me be!
She cried angrily
Away with you monsters!
I want to laugh and dance
And be merry again
Go away and never come back!
Try as she might
Hard as she fought
It was hard to get rid of them
At certain times
She did get peace
And the motivation to carry on was strong
She met others who told her
Look into yourself
Dig deep down
Where doth your faith lie?
Where doth your strength come from?
Seek it and nurture it
Still seeking...
Still nurturing...
=====================
Thought I handled things pretty well the 2nd time round. Kept myself busy and tried not to think too much about anything..and well..just let things be..Then the delay just got my defences all down again..found myself sobbing last night..at the slightest thing. yeah...the emotional, irrational me.
so many pple are going overseas..xl n kym are going japan, celebrating xmas there..win going taiwan..oso spending xmas there...radio going to pakistan soon...the cet girls are gg bkk in nov..pq just came back from bkk..lydia just came back from hk..just hearing all these made me weep last night..i know..shallow thinking on my part...but then it's quite frustrating when u can't go and dunno when you can go..and then u hear of all these people going...and sharing their joy with you..(wtf..hmm..selfish of me..)
there's a lot of pent up energy within me..dunno why..i go to sleep restless. i wake up restless...i go through the motions of the day restless. hmm...frustrating. my forehead is clasped in a perpetual frown and i'm having tummyaches cos of my constant tenseness and grumpiness..am i i just stressing myself for no apparent reason? and it's driving me nuts...nothing much to do at home..watch tv, read book, surf net, read papers and you repeat the cycle all over again. and today's only tuesday? I still have 10 more days to go at least before 11th oct..
i wake up thinking...it's yet another day..damn how am i gonna spend this day?
shit..i have to wash myself clean of such thoughts..i can't allow myself to get down in the dumps again..argh..BUT there's nothing to keep myself occupied!! there's nothing to keep myself busy!!! there's nobody to keep my mind off things!! there's no work to do to keep my thoughts from wandering!!! there's no colleagues around to talk trash with you!!!
it's been a week since i last saw him..exactly a week..offered to come on sunday but flew my kite. disappointed but anw, he's not obligated.
Monday, September 26, 2005
love is??
Got this off National Geographic last night
~Love is like knotting a tie
Cos you'll never know how it will turn out
Sometimes you have to loosen it
Sometimes you have to tighten it
Sometimes you even have to re-knot it~
Thought it was interesting...
How people can always come up with analogies or personifications...
To better represent abstract feelings...
==================
~When I need you
I just close my eyes and I feel you
I hold out my hands and I touch you
You're here in my heart
Night and day~
~Love is like knotting a tie
Cos you'll never know how it will turn out
Sometimes you have to loosen it
Sometimes you have to tighten it
Sometimes you even have to re-knot it~
Thought it was interesting...
How people can always come up with analogies or personifications...
To better represent abstract feelings...
==================
~When I need you
I just close my eyes and I feel you
I hold out my hands and I touch you
You're here in my heart
Night and day~
I am but a puppet...
~Fate plays its hands...am a puppet left to dangle~
I really don't know what to say anymore. I cannot take unexpected turn of events. The op has been delayed again. AGAIN. That is the keyword. AGAIN. 3rd time. For the fucking 3rd time. And this time round, it's me. Cos I fell sick. Out of 2 whole months to fall sick, I have to fall sick 3 days before D-day. I just wanna bang my head against a wall.
It's frustrating. Now I'm at a loss of how to handle my leave. I can't possibly be going back to work for like 8-10 days, then running off again? Think I'll have to eat into my annual leave..And it's difficult having to tell others again that it's been delayed again...macham as if I'm playing a trick on them...I know it's not within my control..but tamade gan suay lor...the timing has to be so bloody zun...Pple have been sending sms wishes since morning...since last night even..it's tiring having to tell pple about it..needless to say frustrating having to repeat everything a thousand and one times.
I know ahboy will say "it's not within our control". And I know heng will say "ai zhai...". but I still can't help it..and mum is insisting that I try to change the date from 11th to 4th..cos 11th oct happens to be my lunar birthday. 9th day of lunar 9th month....arrggghhhhh....been bugging me...Please. Just spare me can?? Please? Just spare me.
Am leaking like a tap now. Just got shouted at. I'm on house arrest for the next 2 weeks. What the fuck? What the god-damn fuck??? %^$#^##!!%&~**~^(&
And I'll be spending my birthday in hospital. My 25th birthday. My quarter of a century brthday. How sweet. How exciting. And oh..How refreshing. Yeah.
I really can't help ranting now. Is 2005 a test for me?
I mean..things have just been going haywire after CNY. Home PC crashed on me, office laptop crashed on me, old handphone crashed on me, lost my new handphone, work ain't very smooth either, collapsed in office, got this stupid medical condition, need to go for op, need to be on medication everyday, op kena delayed 3 times, drifting apart from family, more arguments with ahboy, more quarrels with friends, blah blah..
I'm losing faith..
If everything happens for a reason...please enlighten me...what might that reason be??
I really don't know what to say anymore. I cannot take unexpected turn of events. The op has been delayed again. AGAIN. That is the keyword. AGAIN. 3rd time. For the fucking 3rd time. And this time round, it's me. Cos I fell sick. Out of 2 whole months to fall sick, I have to fall sick 3 days before D-day. I just wanna bang my head against a wall.
It's frustrating. Now I'm at a loss of how to handle my leave. I can't possibly be going back to work for like 8-10 days, then running off again? Think I'll have to eat into my annual leave..And it's difficult having to tell others again that it's been delayed again...macham as if I'm playing a trick on them...I know it's not within my control..but tamade gan suay lor...the timing has to be so bloody zun...Pple have been sending sms wishes since morning...since last night even..it's tiring having to tell pple about it..needless to say frustrating having to repeat everything a thousand and one times.
I know ahboy will say "it's not within our control". And I know heng will say "ai zhai...". but I still can't help it..and mum is insisting that I try to change the date from 11th to 4th..cos 11th oct happens to be my lunar birthday. 9th day of lunar 9th month....arrggghhhhh....been bugging me...Please. Just spare me can?? Please? Just spare me.
Am leaking like a tap now. Just got shouted at. I'm on house arrest for the next 2 weeks. What the fuck? What the god-damn fuck??? %^$#^##!!%&~**~^(&
And I'll be spending my birthday in hospital. My 25th birthday. My quarter of a century brthday. How sweet. How exciting. And oh..How refreshing. Yeah.
I really can't help ranting now. Is 2005 a test for me?
I mean..things have just been going haywire after CNY. Home PC crashed on me, office laptop crashed on me, old handphone crashed on me, lost my new handphone, work ain't very smooth either, collapsed in office, got this stupid medical condition, need to go for op, need to be on medication everyday, op kena delayed 3 times, drifting apart from family, more arguments with ahboy, more quarrels with friends, blah blah..
I'm losing faith..
If everything happens for a reason...please enlighten me...what might that reason be??
Sunday, September 25, 2005
retrospect : thursday night's story...
suddenly remembered the angst I experienecd on Thursday evening..and felt I had to pen it down..but the feeling's subsided already...so all that is penned down is probably just a teeny fraction of what i really felt that day...
somewhere along the line as the days go by ever since graduation...somehow..someday..it ended up that i was usually the one who organised gatherings for the uni gang..this time round was no exception..perhaps the baton should really be handed over to daniel..cos i'm quite sick of doing it already...y am i sick n tired of it? i mean..don't get me wrong here. i'm really glad that there are the regulars who turn up..and there are those who turn up even though for a short while..at least they make the effort to turn up and show abit of face as promised. And then there are those too who even though they are busy, they still make the effort to come...
But there are others. Others who promise that they'll turn up. And fly your kite at the last bend. Others who get your hopes up high..only to slam you down on the ground with a last minute sms to say "sorry i can't make it". Others who say "ya ya of course i will turn up" and when the time comes, they've gone MIA without even a single call from them. Others who promise the sky and heavens and at the end of the day, what you get is just an empty broken eggshell. And still, there are others..who do not wish to commit whether they can or cannot..and just give you "neither-here-nor-there" answers...
I booked a table for 18-20 pax. 10 or 11 turned up. Half the headcount. 50% dropout/ MIA/ fly-kite rate. How sweet. I remember calling daniel up...and the poor soul had to listen to me screaming over the phone..and hmm..was so irritated that there were cuss words flying around..
I implore you. Please. If you cannot commit, just say you cannot. Period. Don't give me any crap about how you will try to make it if possible...blah blah..It seriously hurts less if you just tell me upfront that you cannot make it. And it seriously makes for easier planning.
The one thing I cannot stand most is having my hopes up high and then having them dashed to pieces.
Throwing in my towel. Raise the white flag please.
somewhere along the line as the days go by ever since graduation...somehow..someday..it ended up that i was usually the one who organised gatherings for the uni gang..this time round was no exception..perhaps the baton should really be handed over to daniel..cos i'm quite sick of doing it already...y am i sick n tired of it? i mean..don't get me wrong here. i'm really glad that there are the regulars who turn up..and there are those who turn up even though for a short while..at least they make the effort to turn up and show abit of face as promised. And then there are those too who even though they are busy, they still make the effort to come...
But there are others. Others who promise that they'll turn up. And fly your kite at the last bend. Others who get your hopes up high..only to slam you down on the ground with a last minute sms to say "sorry i can't make it". Others who say "ya ya of course i will turn up" and when the time comes, they've gone MIA without even a single call from them. Others who promise the sky and heavens and at the end of the day, what you get is just an empty broken eggshell. And still, there are others..who do not wish to commit whether they can or cannot..and just give you "neither-here-nor-there" answers...
I booked a table for 18-20 pax. 10 or 11 turned up. Half the headcount. 50% dropout/ MIA/ fly-kite rate. How sweet. I remember calling daniel up...and the poor soul had to listen to me screaming over the phone..and hmm..was so irritated that there were cuss words flying around..
I implore you. Please. If you cannot commit, just say you cannot. Period. Don't give me any crap about how you will try to make it if possible...blah blah..It seriously hurts less if you just tell me upfront that you cannot make it. And it seriously makes for easier planning.
The one thing I cannot stand most is having my hopes up high and then having them dashed to pieces.
Throwing in my towel. Raise the white flag please.
counting down??
it's sunday already..am getting worried...fever ain't going down yet..hmm...am gulping lotsa water and undergoing intensive sponging sessions...hope things can go ahead as planned..
mumps are still swollen..even my tonsils are slightly swollen today... =( face looks like a god-damn beef patty! tmd...
feeling less sleepy now..maybe go watch vcd..then go snooze..
sighz..ipoh just called mum..family squabbles again..till ipoh even called mum...tsk tsk..and it all started with an innocent remark from adrian..that got mama thinking too much..which got ahgor trying her best to explain things to mama...till ahgor cried..and then somehow mum..and now ipoh has gotten involved too??...piangzzz...
wonder what weini is working as? her friendster pics always show her with lotsa HK stars..hmm...i dun mind working for her company man..haa...pics with gallen lo, jay chou, daniel wu, stephen fung...and the list goes on!!
mumps are still swollen..even my tonsils are slightly swollen today... =( face looks like a god-damn beef patty! tmd...
feeling less sleepy now..maybe go watch vcd..then go snooze..
sighz..ipoh just called mum..family squabbles again..till ipoh even called mum...tsk tsk..and it all started with an innocent remark from adrian..that got mama thinking too much..which got ahgor trying her best to explain things to mama...till ahgor cried..and then somehow mum..and now ipoh has gotten involved too??...piangzzz...
wonder what weini is working as? her friendster pics always show her with lotsa HK stars..hmm...i dun mind working for her company man..haa...pics with gallen lo, jay chou, daniel wu, stephen fung...and the list goes on!!
Saturday, September 24, 2005
squiggly thoughts..
heng's comment said : "the person who you will be with is the one whom you first think of when you wake in the morn..."
Lemme just add on to that. "The person who you will be with is the one whom you first think of when you wake in the morn and the person who's in your last thoughts when you go to bed at night."
food for thought..is this true? well...wonder what the burong will say...
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my blisters still hurt...*pout*...two on my right foot...and one on my left...argh...and they're so unsightly..haa...big red sores...think one is scabbing already..sighz...look wat vanity does to women...and damn..that new pair of shoes really "bites"...but i still love it anyway! haa....
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xl n kym jio-ed me to ice cold beer just now...CMI..Ling jio-ed me for breakfast tmr at 201....CMI....argh......okok..shall put these on my wish list...of things i wanna do when i settle this draggy issue....
Wish List:
- go pubbing like xiao! i will not aim to damage my liver but at least train it to tahan more...
- go clubbing with PQ and/or Ally..been talking about it for years...
- go swimming regularly & hit sentosa at least once a month
- eat all i want!
- stay out as late as i want
- have breakfast with Ling, Kel..and maybe ahboy (if he is willing to drag himself to Tampines haa...) at 201
- hang out more with sec sch friends...(..seem to have drifted apart abit..)
- take more pics!!
- learn blading
- save more $$
achievable? well...we'll see.....=))
Lemme just add on to that. "The person who you will be with is the one whom you first think of when you wake in the morn and the person who's in your last thoughts when you go to bed at night."
food for thought..is this true? well...wonder what the burong will say...
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my blisters still hurt...*pout*...two on my right foot...and one on my left...argh...and they're so unsightly..haa...big red sores...think one is scabbing already..sighz...look wat vanity does to women...and damn..that new pair of shoes really "bites"...but i still love it anyway! haa....
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xl n kym jio-ed me to ice cold beer just now...CMI..Ling jio-ed me for breakfast tmr at 201....CMI....argh......okok..shall put these on my wish list...of things i wanna do when i settle this draggy issue....
Wish List:
- go pubbing like xiao! i will not aim to damage my liver but at least train it to tahan more...
- go clubbing with PQ and/or Ally..been talking about it for years...
- go swimming regularly & hit sentosa at least once a month
- eat all i want!
- stay out as late as i want
- have breakfast with Ling, Kel..and maybe ahboy (if he is willing to drag himself to Tampines haa...) at 201
- hang out more with sec sch friends...(..seem to have drifted apart abit..)
- take more pics!!
- learn blading
- save more $$
achievable? well...we'll see.....=))
aargggghhhhhhhh
god-damn uncanny...really don't know what to say..kinda at a loss for words...is it really fated? got up today..with my mumps swollen and by afternoon..was running a fever of 38.1...highest it climbed to was 38.3 at CGH A&E dept...it's since gone down to 37.3 to 37.5 thereabouts...and i've not had a fever for a very very long time..years in fact...and it has to occur now. 3 days before my op.
Just really hope the fever will totally subside before the op...seriously praying hard for it not to be affected..else i'll just scream my head off.
feel abit "cheated"...i booked tix for me n ahboy already...for two shows at PS "The Longest Yard" & "Cinderella Man"..had to gv both a miss...and ahboy ended up going home..with no place to go..there goes my $40 bucks..*poof*
Mum just sponged me..with lotsa TLC & cold cold ice...feel like an overgrown baby..haa.
hmm..must remember to set alarm..getting up at 4am for my medicine..
*praying hard*
Just really hope the fever will totally subside before the op...seriously praying hard for it not to be affected..else i'll just scream my head off.
feel abit "cheated"...i booked tix for me n ahboy already...for two shows at PS "The Longest Yard" & "Cinderella Man"..had to gv both a miss...and ahboy ended up going home..with no place to go..there goes my $40 bucks..*poof*
Mum just sponged me..with lotsa TLC & cold cold ice...feel like an overgrown baby..haa.
hmm..must remember to set alarm..getting up at 4am for my medicine..
*praying hard*
Time for Mushiness???
Love the way your eyes crinkle
Love the way you laugh
Love your nose
Love it when you're around me
Love the silly grins you make
Love the brain sitting within your head
Love the narcissist in you
Love your side profile
Love your smart ass remarks
Love the way you look when you're sound asleep
Love the way you look when you just got up
Love it when you run your fingers through my hair
Love your smell
Love the way you swagger with confidence
Love it when you are at your gentle times
Love it when your dimples flash
Love it when you drop me sms-es
Love it when you buzz me and ask me how's things
Love the way you drive
Love it when you smell my hair
Love it when we kiss
Love the way you roll up your sleeves
Love the way it feels when I hug you
Love your wit
Love you...
~Loving you...comes naturally to me~
Love the way you laugh
Love your nose
Love it when you're around me
Love the silly grins you make
Love the brain sitting within your head
Love the narcissist in you
Love your side profile
Love your smart ass remarks
Love the way you look when you're sound asleep
Love the way you look when you just got up
Love it when you run your fingers through my hair
Love your smell
Love the way you swagger with confidence
Love it when you are at your gentle times
Love it when your dimples flash
Love it when you drop me sms-es
Love it when you buzz me and ask me how's things
Love the way you drive
Love it when you smell my hair
Love it when we kiss
Love the way you roll up your sleeves
Love the way it feels when I hug you
Love your wit
Love you...
~Loving you...comes naturally to me~
blah blah..
thursday was my last day in office..that is till i'm back with a vengeance in november ...haa...well..the intern came in on wednesday..she seems pretty dao..questions are answered with monosyllables and no smiles..other questions or comments are met with ultra sceptical raises of the eyebrow...like as if you're the one asking dumb questions..wtf is this kind of attitude?? simply puts me off..like as if we owe her big time...
hmm..find it abit of a waste..just when i was getting to get along better with allan..then it's time to go off on my hiatus..
==============
been a helluva makan week for me...monday wedding dinner..tuesday went manhattan with the dept for lunch..wednesday went buona vista for duck rice during lunch..thursday night with uni gang was at swensons suntec and went rohlin's cafe for an ice-cream bonanza plus booze..went indochine: forbidden city after tt with xl for more drinks..the friday..went dinner at rice table with joyce n ling..and hung around coffee club after that.....*burp*....gosh.........the sins of eating..makes u so full..you don't whether to sit or stand or lie down to make urself less gorged...haa...
thursday night with xl was a nice one..2 girls chilling out..both dun need to work the next day..spent like 3-over hours just talking over iour dumplings n martinis...been a long long time since we hung out together like that...the feeling's just great!! hmm...the last time was during...hmm...hostel days i think?? 3 yrs ago?? or maybe sometime last yr during one of our sentosa trips...anyway...tokked mostly on relationships n bfs...yada yada...girl talk...got hm at 330am..ahh...the luxury of not having ur parents in town...
friday night..haa...joyce n ling...same thing..girl talk..whoa..haa..found out much more things and the whole group..who knows what, who knows who..how who got to be in the group..blah blah..sibei complex....joyce is cool..really think she's got so much strength and level-headedness in her...ling too..frank n outspoken..not afraid to show her thoughts n feelings..
hmm..find it abit of a waste..just when i was getting to get along better with allan..then it's time to go off on my hiatus..
==============
been a helluva makan week for me...monday wedding dinner..tuesday went manhattan with the dept for lunch..wednesday went buona vista for duck rice during lunch..thursday night with uni gang was at swensons suntec and went rohlin's cafe for an ice-cream bonanza plus booze..went indochine: forbidden city after tt with xl for more drinks..the friday..went dinner at rice table with joyce n ling..and hung around coffee club after that.....*burp*....gosh.........the sins of eating..makes u so full..you don't whether to sit or stand or lie down to make urself less gorged...haa...
thursday night with xl was a nice one..2 girls chilling out..both dun need to work the next day..spent like 3-over hours just talking over iour dumplings n martinis...been a long long time since we hung out together like that...the feeling's just great!! hmm...the last time was during...hmm...hostel days i think?? 3 yrs ago?? or maybe sometime last yr during one of our sentosa trips...anyway...tokked mostly on relationships n bfs...yada yada...girl talk...got hm at 330am..ahh...the luxury of not having ur parents in town...
friday night..haa...joyce n ling...same thing..girl talk..whoa..haa..found out much more things and the whole group..who knows what, who knows who..how who got to be in the group..blah blah..sibei complex....joyce is cool..really think she's got so much strength and level-headedness in her...ling too..frank n outspoken..not afraid to show her thoughts n feelings..
Monday, September 19, 2005
19th september! it's a monday!
got back not too long ago from Teck Seng's wedding dinner...he and his wife looked so good together...and their wedding photos looked so nice...=) kinda made me wonder when's my turn...haa... (hmm...??)
===========
times flies...it's already past mid-September..am handling it better this time round..less emotional and well..am thinking about it less too..good in someway...doesn't make me feel so weak n vulnerable..
mun kitt told me something just now.."when you're back from your hospitalisation leave..it's time to cheong"...aw man...i've been earmarked for battle!!...haa...abit apprehensive..not sure how things will be like when i get back..what with so many changes taking place...hell..they're gonna hire at least 10 new people leh...HR mgr, CET mgr, WSH Biz Devt Mgr, Cust Svce Mgr, another new SM, 1 more PE for WSH, MIS Mgr...and at least 2-3 others..which i cun rmb their job scopes...
asked mun kitt a dumb question..will i still be sitting at 35th floor...and he said..yah..i would be..i'll be mktg but helping out in WSH...hmm...so kinda like my job scope doesn't change that much after all...wonder what'll happen to lian though...
===========
meeting ahboy tomorrow...=)
===========
times flies...it's already past mid-September..am handling it better this time round..less emotional and well..am thinking about it less too..good in someway...doesn't make me feel so weak n vulnerable..
mun kitt told me something just now.."when you're back from your hospitalisation leave..it's time to cheong"...aw man...i've been earmarked for battle!!...haa...abit apprehensive..not sure how things will be like when i get back..what with so many changes taking place...hell..they're gonna hire at least 10 new people leh...HR mgr, CET mgr, WSH Biz Devt Mgr, Cust Svce Mgr, another new SM, 1 more PE for WSH, MIS Mgr...and at least 2-3 others..which i cun rmb their job scopes...
asked mun kitt a dumb question..will i still be sitting at 35th floor...and he said..yah..i would be..i'll be mktg but helping out in WSH...hmm...so kinda like my job scope doesn't change that much after all...wonder what'll happen to lian though...
===========
meeting ahboy tomorrow...=)
Sunday, September 18, 2005
alienation...
Am feeling a tad alienated..don’t wish to speak too much or anything…just wanna be by myself…quietly hanging out in my own space…can’t do that on Sundays though..bro, dasao & marc are here…and my room becomes the centre of activity..cos that’s where marc’s toys are kept…can’t listen to my music..can’t chill by myself…and I’ll get irritated by the gurgles, shouts and screams..that is..till 2plus when they leave….
But nah..today’s a slightly different story..marc didn’t wanna go home..so bro n dasao left him here…hope I don’t get too disturbed haa…
Hmm…yeah…alienation is the word…can’t connect with them as much as I used to be able to…sighz…when I’m at home…I just don’t feel like talking...attempts at conversation will be met with short responses from me…and sometimes curt ones..know it’s not right of me..and know it’s definitely not fair of me…and know it’s not polite of me…but somehow can’t help it…it’s like as if I’m re-living teenage angst in my mid-twenties…
But I also try lah..to engage in some conversations which are more cheery…perhaps the focus in our lives are all too different?? Me being the youngest, I still wanna have my fun and all…whereas mum n dad are in a different era…and bro n dasao are in the stage of life where building a family nest is the all important key…
Marc’s just gone off for a nap in mum n dad’s room…peace for the moment…the solitude within my own four walls is reassuring…can’t help wondering...think I’ve built up the barrier myself..fencing myself from their side of the pasture…holing myself up...hmm…
But nah..today’s a slightly different story..marc didn’t wanna go home..so bro n dasao left him here…hope I don’t get too disturbed haa…
Hmm…yeah…alienation is the word…can’t connect with them as much as I used to be able to…sighz…when I’m at home…I just don’t feel like talking...attempts at conversation will be met with short responses from me…and sometimes curt ones..know it’s not right of me..and know it’s definitely not fair of me…and know it’s not polite of me…but somehow can’t help it…it’s like as if I’m re-living teenage angst in my mid-twenties…
But I also try lah..to engage in some conversations which are more cheery…perhaps the focus in our lives are all too different?? Me being the youngest, I still wanna have my fun and all…whereas mum n dad are in a different era…and bro n dasao are in the stage of life where building a family nest is the all important key…
Marc’s just gone off for a nap in mum n dad’s room…peace for the moment…the solitude within my own four walls is reassuring…can’t help wondering...think I’ve built up the barrier myself..fencing myself from their side of the pasture…holing myself up...hmm…
senseless mutterings...haaa....
this is what happens if you're not out on a saturday night..you end up hiding in your room..with the PC as your constant companion..and music as salvation to your soul...and blogspot as your outlet for senseless mutterings...lotsa scattered thoughts...
=================
feeling abit lonely now...the room's all dark...listening to josh groban & charlotte church "The Prayer"....charlotte church's voice is really good..so young and so talented...moving on to Kevin Kern now...shucks..this really brings back memories man..6 years ago...1999 hall one hall ball pageant..haa...gosh..that was like eons ago...still remember those dance practices and catwalk sessions in the oldd canteen one...and well..that was where i met dan, kym n xl... =)
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meeting the whole uni gang this coming thursday..haa...forced the whole gang to turn up cos so many peeps' bdays are in Sept...made them feel guilty if they don't come...so far attendace is 95%...only seng has not reverted...hope no drop-outs or no kite-flying on the actual day...wonder if my own boy will turn up?
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mum made me throw away all my dried flowers...3 bouquets in all....sigh....2 from ahboy... nagging about how there's germs clogged up in there..and breeding ground for all other types of insects...and it's smelly and all...sigh...
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need a drink now...give me anything..feel like opening up the absolute sitting in my cupboard..it's smiling at me...help!
==================
hmm..what's the right word to use?...i feel...i dunno...content? touched? that there's so many pple out there who care....
==================
aw man..ever since graduation..i gave up on neopets and have not signed in since then..that was lkike what..3 yrs ago?? haa....somehow..decided to pop in and see how are things now in this site....and well...my virtual pets are still around...hmm..now trying to see if i still remember how to play the things...and exploring the new features and new things they have in there...man..i am really bo liao...
=================
feeling abit lonely now...the room's all dark...listening to josh groban & charlotte church "The Prayer"....charlotte church's voice is really good..so young and so talented...moving on to Kevin Kern now...shucks..this really brings back memories man..6 years ago...1999 hall one hall ball pageant..haa...gosh..that was like eons ago...still remember those dance practices and catwalk sessions in the oldd canteen one...and well..that was where i met dan, kym n xl... =)
==================
meeting the whole uni gang this coming thursday..haa...forced the whole gang to turn up cos so many peeps' bdays are in Sept...made them feel guilty if they don't come...so far attendace is 95%...only seng has not reverted...hope no drop-outs or no kite-flying on the actual day...wonder if my own boy will turn up?
==================
mum made me throw away all my dried flowers...3 bouquets in all....sigh....2 from ahboy... nagging about how there's germs clogged up in there..and breeding ground for all other types of insects...and it's smelly and all...sigh...
==================
need a drink now...give me anything..feel like opening up the absolute sitting in my cupboard..it's smiling at me...help!
==================
hmm..what's the right word to use?...i feel...i dunno...content? touched? that there's so many pple out there who care....
==================
aw man..ever since graduation..i gave up on neopets and have not signed in since then..that was lkike what..3 yrs ago?? haa....somehow..decided to pop in and see how are things now in this site....and well...my virtual pets are still around...hmm..now trying to see if i still remember how to play the things...and exploring the new features and new things they have in there...man..i am really bo liao...
Saturday, September 17, 2005
went Starhub Waraku on Thursday night...with th, ally, pq and kae min (this one's a rare guest! haa...)...notti me...had beer with my meal...damn..think i've been drinking almost every week for the past 4 weeks?? though not heavy drinking or what...but erm..haa...abit notti...drinking on the sly...
booked the tatami private room..hmm..not exactly private unless you pull down the blinds..haha...had my lovely oyako-don..think i'm doing my rounds...makaning all the food which i like which i might not get to eat till much much later...well..normal simple dinner...tok crap...listen to crap...bunch of peeps basking in each other's company...
===================
ah boy "signed his life away" liaos...on friday afternoon...and gegelai's once again his boss...hmm..indonesian market...wonder how often he has to fly there next time?...am happy for him...great exposure...will def learn a lot of stuff in this new position...
sighz...where am i heading in my own career path? just wondering how things will possibly pan out? the risk-averse me?? the tak-garang me? the...??...focus is def on $$ and exposure..my learning curve has definitely room for expansion..but i'm not getting to learn much...don't have a proper mentor to guide me along...what i have are bosses who do things themselves or bosses who ain't clear on their own direction...will things be different when i move more into WSH? hope so...a different ball game altogether...and a different reporting officer...hmm....sighz..
===================
quite a fun bday dinner we had for joyce n ahboy on friday night..went to tian tian steamboat..hmm..didn't have enough of my wanton though...but gorged myself silly on the luncheon meat and the lotus root..haa...and the mushrooms...woohoo!!
was tokking to joyce about her india missionary trip...really puts us all to shame..here we are...in a rat race...chasing for riches and material comfort, bemoaning about the lack of this and that...whilst others are giving up all these and in their simplest purest faith..and in their moment of calling from God...setting up help shelters for strangers...there was this brit family who set up a special school for autistic children in a super ulu place..8hr car ride from new delhi...and they've been there for 5 yrs and counting...just pure faith, determination, belief, grit, and gumption...
was really nice tokking to joyce...her coolness, steadiness and aptness to express herself in verbal communication never fails to astound me...super cool lady...really hope her scholarship comes in soon...but if she really goes overseas...am gonna miss her man...
booked the tatami private room..hmm..not exactly private unless you pull down the blinds..haha...had my lovely oyako-don..think i'm doing my rounds...makaning all the food which i like which i might not get to eat till much much later...well..normal simple dinner...tok crap...listen to crap...bunch of peeps basking in each other's company...
===================
ah boy "signed his life away" liaos...on friday afternoon...and gegelai's once again his boss...hmm..indonesian market...wonder how often he has to fly there next time?...am happy for him...great exposure...will def learn a lot of stuff in this new position...
sighz...where am i heading in my own career path? just wondering how things will possibly pan out? the risk-averse me?? the tak-garang me? the...??...focus is def on $$ and exposure..my learning curve has definitely room for expansion..but i'm not getting to learn much...don't have a proper mentor to guide me along...what i have are bosses who do things themselves or bosses who ain't clear on their own direction...will things be different when i move more into WSH? hope so...a different ball game altogether...and a different reporting officer...hmm....sighz..
===================
quite a fun bday dinner we had for joyce n ahboy on friday night..went to tian tian steamboat..hmm..didn't have enough of my wanton though...but gorged myself silly on the luncheon meat and the lotus root..haa...and the mushrooms...woohoo!!
was tokking to joyce about her india missionary trip...really puts us all to shame..here we are...in a rat race...chasing for riches and material comfort, bemoaning about the lack of this and that...whilst others are giving up all these and in their simplest purest faith..and in their moment of calling from God...setting up help shelters for strangers...there was this brit family who set up a special school for autistic children in a super ulu place..8hr car ride from new delhi...and they've been there for 5 yrs and counting...just pure faith, determination, belief, grit, and gumption...
was really nice tokking to joyce...her coolness, steadiness and aptness to express herself in verbal communication never fails to astound me...super cool lady...really hope her scholarship comes in soon...but if she really goes overseas...am gonna miss her man...
retrospect...
tried to post something on Thursday whilst in office...then the blospost server wasn't too friendly..when I clicked "post"...it redirected me to a "Requested Page Cannot Be Found" apge...and whatever I typed...was gone to the world forever...darn...still remember my first reaction was "har?"...followed by "tamade" and then "%^*&$*60%^&".....couldn't do much about it cos i had to rush off for dinner appointment liaos...
Shall attempt to re-enact what I typed that day...though think it would have lost almost 80% of its original essence...
=================
yiyong called me up from the Sates on Wednesday to ask how I was doing and also about the impending op...quite touched... =) haa...that wu gui actually remembered...dumbo..so late liao still haven't sleep..called me at 2am his time...
apparently he just came back from a mission a few days ago...kena activated to go help evacuate people from New Orleans with his Chinook helicopter...shared with me that it was quite a tiring experience..not to mention an emotional one..there was this lady who was hanging onto him, refused to let go..kept asking him to look for her husband and kid...but what could he do?? sigh..we are mere specks in this vast world...
haa...this fella...told me he did the mission for my sake..to help me accumulate more charity points in the eyes of god...so that he'll protect me in the face of anything...also told me he was praying for me everyday...awww.....so sweet.....haa....also made me promise to call him on his bday..7th October...10 days older than me...made a pact...will buzz him at 1pm SG time...over there it'll be 12am sharp..haa..=) 13 hours diff...
the only thing was that I couldn't help him with his problem...with that girl...sorry bro...these things..difficult to advise also..there's just so much uncertainty and probability and various permutations of how things might turn out...
wonder why matters of the heart are so complex at times?? you like someone...that someone is attached..but you're having such a great time with that someone...and that someone likes you too...and the world goes round and round...and the sun turns into the moon day in and day out...
==================
went for a kaya toast break on wednesday afternoon..whilst outside..received an sms from brian...told me he got me "poison" and left it on my desk..."poison" = our lingo for kopi or teh...caffeine...yada yada...helps lift someone out of boredom and monotony....
then when I went back to my desk..piangzz...i was expecting to see either kopi or teh..and it turned out to be a full box of chicken essence instead!! ...gosh...was damn touched man...and so paiseh....thanked him profusely later when i saw him at 6th floor...aiyooo....so paiseh...he said i should start drinking tonics to "boost" my health...haa...
ahboy says i should get him something in return...hmm...and then it'll morph into a never-ending cycle...hmm..haa...
Shall attempt to re-enact what I typed that day...though think it would have lost almost 80% of its original essence...
=================
yiyong called me up from the Sates on Wednesday to ask how I was doing and also about the impending op...quite touched... =) haa...that wu gui actually remembered...dumbo..so late liao still haven't sleep..called me at 2am his time...
apparently he just came back from a mission a few days ago...kena activated to go help evacuate people from New Orleans with his Chinook helicopter...shared with me that it was quite a tiring experience..not to mention an emotional one..there was this lady who was hanging onto him, refused to let go..kept asking him to look for her husband and kid...but what could he do?? sigh..we are mere specks in this vast world...
haa...this fella...told me he did the mission for my sake..to help me accumulate more charity points in the eyes of god...so that he'll protect me in the face of anything...also told me he was praying for me everyday...awww.....so sweet.....haa....also made me promise to call him on his bday..7th October...10 days older than me...made a pact...will buzz him at 1pm SG time...over there it'll be 12am sharp..haa..=) 13 hours diff...
the only thing was that I couldn't help him with his problem...with that girl...sorry bro...these things..difficult to advise also..there's just so much uncertainty and probability and various permutations of how things might turn out...
wonder why matters of the heart are so complex at times?? you like someone...that someone is attached..but you're having such a great time with that someone...and that someone likes you too...and the world goes round and round...and the sun turns into the moon day in and day out...
==================
went for a kaya toast break on wednesday afternoon..whilst outside..received an sms from brian...told me he got me "poison" and left it on my desk..."poison" = our lingo for kopi or teh...caffeine...yada yada...helps lift someone out of boredom and monotony....
then when I went back to my desk..piangzz...i was expecting to see either kopi or teh..and it turned out to be a full box of chicken essence instead!! ...gosh...was damn touched man...and so paiseh....thanked him profusely later when i saw him at 6th floor...aiyooo....so paiseh...he said i should start drinking tonics to "boost" my health...haa...
ahboy says i should get him something in return...hmm...and then it'll morph into a never-ending cycle...hmm..haa...
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
mutter mutter...
received a call this afternoon...touched...devina...apparently she saw my blog and found out about the op..then gave me a buzz to chk out things are going..haa...sweet...simply sweet....put a smile on my face despite the bad day i was having...
=============
changed my msn sub-nick to "small thing blow big or big thing blow small"...didn't think much about it till ah-heng msg-ed me...haha..then i realissed..oh ya hor...sounds kinda crude..haha...changed it immediately....well..what i wanted to convey was this.."making a mountain out of a molehill or making a molehill out of a mountain"...
hmm....fodder for thought...
=============
had a nice dinner and chat session with lydia n ginger...haa...gossip gossip....=D
=============
changed my msn sub-nick to "small thing blow big or big thing blow small"...didn't think much about it till ah-heng msg-ed me...haha..then i realissed..oh ya hor...sounds kinda crude..haha...changed it immediately....well..what i wanted to convey was this.."making a mountain out of a molehill or making a molehill out of a mountain"...
hmm....fodder for thought...
=============
had a nice dinner and chat session with lydia n ginger...haa...gossip gossip....=D
... ... ...
once the precedence has been set..does that mean it's ok for expectations to be of that same level... a year down the road? does that mean that there's no room for slack? or does that mean that expectations should be even higher cos the committment is stronger?
trying my best not to repeat what happened last year. What an anti-climax. TRYING is the key word..but things are not turning out like what I expected..who's to say? definitely not me. feel abit agitated.
felt maligned on 16th sept 2004...partly my fault, and definitely not entirely. but nevertheless, I was still blasted at big time. and as 16th sept 2005 approaches...well...sighz...trying is the keyword..but am directionless. abit give up..just tell me what to do, where to go...and i'll just do so...
or am i just a petty piece of shit who also does not like to share?
vexed
to the max
trying my best not to repeat what happened last year. What an anti-climax. TRYING is the key word..but things are not turning out like what I expected..who's to say? definitely not me. feel abit agitated.
felt maligned on 16th sept 2004...partly my fault, and definitely not entirely. but nevertheless, I was still blasted at big time. and as 16th sept 2005 approaches...well...sighz...trying is the keyword..but am directionless. abit give up..just tell me what to do, where to go...and i'll just do so...
or am i just a petty piece of shit who also does not like to share?
vexed
to the max
yada yada...
wanted to blog last night...had things to say...had stuff to mention...then the dumb server had something wrong...couldn't even get to sign in at all..fed-up...now..cun even remember what I wanted to say....
just that i'm a busy bee this week again...yesterday was my last photoshop class..kinda felt a tiny sense of achievement that i managed to "dong" and actually completed the course albeit it being just a short short course...
touched..haa...after my class last night..ah kok came from bishan, picked me up and sent me home...then went airport to fetch his wife...
=====================
feel like a dumb ass. just made the same mistake again...don't know how to say no..now i have a lunch date..with someone i feel i dun have the energy to go n entertain or bother with..hope he doesn't tok too much crap to jarr my nerves...hmm..so bad...he treats me real nice as a friend..was there to cheer me up when i was down n out....okok...will strive to be a good friend too...sigh...ganbatte-ne...
=====================
getting shacked out..walking around with droopy lids...everyday seems to be a blur..just whizzing by...get up..go to work..then after work..there's just so many appointments and meet-ups and gatherings to go to..esp when so many pple want to cram themselves into my schedule before D-day...
=====================
looking forward to friday...taking leave...envision it to be a slow lazy day with ahboy...
just that i'm a busy bee this week again...yesterday was my last photoshop class..kinda felt a tiny sense of achievement that i managed to "dong" and actually completed the course albeit it being just a short short course...
touched..haa...after my class last night..ah kok came from bishan, picked me up and sent me home...then went airport to fetch his wife...
=====================
feel like a dumb ass. just made the same mistake again...don't know how to say no..now i have a lunch date..with someone i feel i dun have the energy to go n entertain or bother with..hope he doesn't tok too much crap to jarr my nerves...hmm..so bad...he treats me real nice as a friend..was there to cheer me up when i was down n out....okok...will strive to be a good friend too...sigh...ganbatte-ne...
=====================
getting shacked out..walking around with droopy lids...everyday seems to be a blur..just whizzing by...get up..go to work..then after work..there's just so many appointments and meet-ups and gatherings to go to..esp when so many pple want to cram themselves into my schedule before D-day...
=====================
looking forward to friday...taking leave...envision it to be a slow lazy day with ahboy...
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