F*cked Up Day

I am not in good form today emotionally. Neither was I yesterday.

Been feeling shitty at work lately.

A potent combination of "xian-ness", of boredom, of anxiety, of stress and well, of being lost.

The day started out good with me feeling xian but also in some sort of high spirits as well. All thanks to the run of the night before. I guess the happiness was still awash over me. Enough to mask out some of the crappiness I felt.

Things were ok till after lunch. And then it went downhill from thereon.

Screwed by the boss very possibly in a state of health equivalent to menopause for men.

For something I meant well of and thought was a good thing to do.

He summed up his view in one single sentence manifested in a harsh voice.

"Why you go and do all these STUPID things????"

In all my life. No one has said that the things I have done is stupid.

Not even my parents. Not even my teachers.

And now this old man says I'm doing something stupid.

Well thanks for your inconsistency in instructions as well.

And your mood swings. And your caustic remarks.

I feel like I'm working with a female boss at times.

I've worked for 6 years. Not long, not short either. Not one single boss has said that I did something stupid. I have made mistakes yes, I have made dumb errors. But no one has labelled me stupid, even if by reference.

And no, definitely do not think what I did was stupid, nor was it a mistake.



Would you call putting a cover note on a submission paper you wrote stupid???

Pissed, hurt, sad and angry. I did the only thing I felt like doing. It was disdainful but I was so pissed I couldn't care less. I went to the washroom and bawled.



I have only done that once in my entire working life. And that was in early 2006.

But that was when I found out I had to go for an op.

I leaned against the wall and just cried. Dabbing toilet paper at my eyes...wiping snot dribbling from my nose. A woman crying is never a clean sight.

I only had the toilet bowl for company. And it couldn't quite flush away my hurt and anger.

Ah what the fuck. I went back to my desk red-eyed.

Not sure if anyone noticed. Or maybe they just kept mum. Which is good.

Definitely do not feel like heading to work tomorrow. And I definitely do not want to see him.

I respect him I do. Not as much as last time though.

Not for one who shouts at subordinates, has mood swings and loses his temper at staff ever so often.

I do not think a great boss has such traits.