Sigh (I)

It is a struggle everyday to create and find a peaceful enviroment for Little Baby to sleep in.

Most people think living in an HDB flat would be a noisier environment compared to living in a landed area. I beg to differ. Or maybe I should say, there are (many) exceptions to the rule.

1. When you're living along one of the longest main roads in the East, Changi Road, escaping from the sound of traffic seems a far-fetched idea. Buses, cars, bikes, taxis, lorries, trucks, what have you...Even if the traffic were to slow down for just that little in the night, some smart aleck on a bike with its silencer removed would zoom by. And then the baby gets startled.

2. When you have neighbours with dogs, there is no escaping from the sound of their barks. We happen to be surrounded with such neighbours. And their dogs bark at anytime of the day. Let me paint a clearer picture. The dogs bark at anything and everything at anytime of the day. And then the baby gets startled.

3. Somehow, the neighbours take their turn to engage grasscutters to trim their lawn. Yes, grasscutters wielding those hand-held cutters that go "BUZZZ BUZZZZZZ BUZZZZZZ". Day 1 - neighbour to the left, Day 2 - neighbour to the right. Day 3 - neighbour opposite.....And then the baby gets startled.

4. In-laws. (Ok, this is not related to whether we are staying in an HDB or landed area but I just wanted to put it in). Too loud. Period.

To do or not to do

Was trying to get back to sleep at 3am this morning and my mind was in a whirl. Things which needed to be done was just running around in my head. 

I remember the last thing on my mind was: "I need to include 'do up a to-do list' as the first item in my to-do list". 

If that makes any sense at all. The mind can act in a bizarre manner at such ungodly hours.

Ohm mani pad me hum

Keeping hostility in check.

Praying for more patience.

Keeping face straight. 

Praying for a way out. 

不过，气憋太久我怕总有一天会爆。

到时候情况就会很难看。

Y u no sleep???!!!

This is probably my favourite phrase for today.

Nostalgia

Many articles say that successful (and highly successful) people tend to be forward-looking in their minds and hearts. I'm not like that, maybe that's why I'm not that successful? I tend to revisit the past from time to time. Afterall, the past is what made us today, no?

On Saturday night, I somehow found myself trawling through old emails. From way back in 2005 to present times. 

People

Looking through those old emails brought back certain memories. And it also reminded me of those people who were once actively present in my life. There were even emails from people who I now cannot even remember how they look like, nor fathom how I got to know them in the first place. Some are long gone from my life, whilst some others are still somewhere in the background, just not actively present in my life right now. Indelible or not, good or bad, whatever it is, I want to thank all these people for the imprint they've left on my life, however fleeting our connaisance and interactions might have been. 

Of course, there were emails from folks who are still very much in my life right now. I also want to thank these people for being with me all this while, and for blessing me with good times, fun conversations and merry laughter to mark my memories by. 

Needless to say, as we grow older, we somehow are all communicating less through emails. I'm not sure why, maybe Facebook and Whatsapp played a role in it? 

Language

Of course the other thing I noticed was the way I wrote last time. Much better than the way I write now. More emotions and feelings were woven into each sentence then, compared to my writings now. Maybe a good few years in a government agency has caused this to happen. My writing is so bland now. 

Frus Frus Frus

Feeling frustrated. And it's only 1030am. And no, it's not the baby making me this way. And K won't be home till 10-12 hours later. FML.

Wanted

It's strange but these 2 items have been on my "want" list for several years. But I've never really made a conscious effort to go buy them. 

(1) A pair of Converse sneakers (either black or white but probably black)

(2) A black watch (doesn't matter if it's a metal, rubber/plastic or leather strap but it should preferably be chunkier and not too feminine)

Bossiness

Every sentence need not be an instruction. I have my own thoughts and ways of doing things. There is no need to be so bossy.

==========

These two sentences/requests were made to me today. 

(1) Can I (do this and that).....?

(2) Let me (do this and that).

Ask me nicely and politely, as in (1), and I'll gladly accede to your request. And I'd even throw in a nice smile for you. 

(2) is a bloody bossy way of asking for something. Wth, it turns a request into a command instead. Do you know how rude and bossy it is??

Sometimes, all it takes is just for a person to tweak the way he or she speaks. And the world would be a better place.

God, grant me patience. 

Before I explode. 

==========

X: "You can just leave her there. She needs to learn how to play by herself."

Me: "I know. I do that from time to time. That is why I went out of the room and left her there alone."

UGH. You don't need to tell me what to do when I am already doing it. 

Cow sense

Me: *carrying baby and trying to put to sleep*

X: *starts talking to me in a normal voice*

Me: *in my mind* Wth? I'm trying to put the baby to sleep and you keep talking. You're not even making an effort to whisper. How is the baby going to sleep?

==========

Me: The baby is asleep in the other room. Just got to sleep only so umm...(please be quiet)

Y: ok I go over

Me: *hears Y talking and gushing over baby*

Y: *comes back to me* The baby just opened her eyes.

Me: *in my mind* Wth? Of course she woke lah. You were talking to her while she was sleeping!

==========

Me: The baby's having a slight fever. 

X: Is it?

X: *goes to see baby and carries baby when the baby starts fussing* 

X: *comes over to me* She feels feverish. Seems like she's having a fever.

Me: Ya. I just told you.

==========

Me: *standing somewhere in room*

X: *carrying baby and talking to baby* Did you drink milk today? When did you last take your milk? Hmm? When did you last take your milk? 

Me: *in my mind* if that question was supposed to be meant for me, then ask me directly. 

X: So when did you last take your milk?? *repeats 2 more times*

Me: *remains silent*

Me: *in my mind* If you want to know then ask directly. Don't speak in such an indirect manner when I am just standing in the same room as you.

Realization

Never knew that having a child drains so much from a woman's body. Forums and websites say so and even both my confinement nanny and my masseuse auntie say so.

And for those who went through c-section, their bodies need an even longer time to recover and most people say to wait at least a year or a year and a half for the body to regain its normalcy before having a second child. 

If I were to have a second one, that'll be when I'm 35-36 years old? Gosh that sounds old...sigh

I'm too old to be doing this. Back ache, neck ache, shoulder ache.

The Great-Grandmother

I'm someone who gets nostalgic and sentimental easily. I reminisce often as well, which was why I was happy when Dad dug out old albums for us to look through yesterday when Adrian and I were there for dinner with our own families.

Those pictures were taken 30 years ago. Yellowed but still visible. And it was mainly about our family excursions out to the zoo, the park or the beach or the shopping mall.

And Granny was in those pictures as well.

I miss those days when she was tubby and chubby with a wobbly belly. When she had her full glorious head of hair. When she kept it in waves and swept her fringe back with black bobby pins. When she went everywhere in her sarong kebaya and sandals and kerosang. When her eyes were still huge and sparkly. When she could still carry me in her arms and make me feel so loved.

Although physically she is now a shadow of her former self, I believe she still has spunk, spirit and gusto somewhere deep down in her.

She "fought" with the nurses in hospital the other day. So I'm sure she still has lots of spirit in her.

Keep fighting Granny!

Maiden visit to Tampines

We brought Little Baby back home to my parents' place yesterday.

It was her first time there and she must have been a little bewildered. She was strangely still and quiet but very alert when I first stepped into the house. She was snuggled up close to me but her eyes were looking all around at the new surroundings and of course also at her grandparents who were fawning over her.

I'm glad she takes to others carrying her. Dad, Mum, Adrian and Mei all took turns carrying her and she ddn't fuss at all. Good!

Soon she'll be heading there more often I guess.

Metamorphosis. Post-partum.

And so the physical changes are still taking place...albeit very very slowly. Some for the better, some for the worse.

• The tummy's shrinking ever so slightly BUT, it's still there. To think I used to pride myself for having a moderately flat tummy. Now I can't fit into many of my form-fitting clothes anymore but like most women, I'll still keep them in my wardrobe as "motivation". Wishful thinking? We shall see!! Lol...this seriously limits my workwear now though...hmm....I have not tried putting on my skinnies...prolonging the moment of truth I guess? *wails* And CNY is around the corner too. 4kg more to lose to get back to pre-pregnancy weight. Fighting!
• The discolourations are still there. Some areas have faded just a little but they are mostly still there. Unsightly dark patches on the skin, thankfully, most of these patches remain hidden underneatth my clothes....
• My cheeks have started to get itchy, which is not good. It is the same feeling I had back in 2011 when a dermatologist said I had acne rash...I'm also getting more bumps on the skin in that area. I'm hoping my medicated facial wash will keep my skin under control...*fingers crossed*
• The dreaded C-word has wormed its way into my life. I mean, it already did previously but even more so now. Cellulite. I hate you.
• My eyes seem to be quite sensitive now. I can't wear my contact lenses for too long. Maybe I've been in specs for too long already, almost 2 full months of not wearing lenses and the eyeballs have gotten used to not having a lens over them. I used to wear lenses for more than 12 hours each working day. Now I can't last more than 4hours....:(
• My feet have gone back to their usual size and shape though. They are no longer swolen from water retention and I can wear all my shoes again!

Please go back to sleep darling

The little one seems quite content in my arms now, at 5am, after fussing for the last hour and a half. She sure knows how to choose the "best" times for fussing. Zzzzz.

Granny

Granny was discharged from hospital yesterday afternoon. 

And I thank the Lord for that. 

She's at her thinnest ever I think. Sigh. 

Fuzzy Wuzzy

You know your brain is quite muddle-fuddled from lack of sleep when, at 445am in the morning while trying to put a struggling, fussy and wide-awake baby to sleep, you start thinking about the most random of things and feeling a little sorry for an acquaintance who happens to be named Penny. 

I can imagine the taunts and ribbings she might have gone through during her school years. I mean, I went through a phase when silly hormonal teenage boys kept saying to me "Michelle, do you know where my pen is?" (Translation: pen is = penis)

I mean. 

"Do you know where Penny's pen is?"

Wonder if she went through it. Hmm..,

Growing up

"Sometimes, you have to shut up, swallow your pride and accept that you are wrong. It's not called giving up. It's called growing up."

Siphoned this off a friend's Facebook status.  

I wonder how many people can do this? 

And yes, it gets harder to do this the older you get. 

This past week

This past week has been...not sure how to describe it...

There's the rigour of looking after Little Baby.

And the various health scares she gave us.

And then Mum wasn't feeling well and even went A&E twice. 

And today, Granny was warded for urinary tract infection and a mild heart attack. 

Sigh. 

Dad has been running around. I hope he's doing ok. 

May God bless my family and keep them safe and sound. 

There's a first time for everything

Changing a soiled diaper for a squirming and screaming baby in a moving car. At 9am on a Monday morning on the CTE amidst the morning traffic.

Sibei challenging! lol...

But I did it! 

4G

One of my wishes has been fulfilled.

We brought Little Baby to visit her great-grandmother this morning. Dad was there as well and I made sure we took a photo for posterity. 4 generations in one pic. 

It was regrettable though that the oldest was half asleep. She saw the little one but probably couldn't and didn't register in her mind that this is her youngest great-grandchild. Heck, she couldn't even recognise Dad and I. The youngest too was sleeping and didn't really "see" who her great-grandma is.

Well, at least they've "met". And I am very glad for that.

Fiak

Rant post.

Patience wearing thin. Feeling very very stifled today. The room seems to be getting smaller. Too many hands. Too many voices. Too much noise. Too much of others trying to be in control or attempting to "help". Too many unspoken words hidden in other words. Need to vent. Right now the only avenue is this virtual space. Wishing really badly that I was alone in the house with just the little one. Waking up on the wrong side of the bed really jars up the system. God grant me patience. 

Wahlan.

NB NB NB NB NB NB. 

Ahhhhhh Shitfuck.

What's the point of saying "call me if you need help?" when you don't mean it? I don't call and you still come up anyway. So what's the friggin point of saying it? 

There, I feel slightly better. I think.

One of those days

This is one of those days where you wake up feeling less than ideal - physically, mentally and emotionally.

But hey, life still needs to go on. The little one still needs to be cared for. People (read: in-laws) still need to be managed. My own parents still need my concern. Personal administrative things still need to be done. And, the list goes on.....

Ganbatte.

Fighting.

Jiayou.

!!!

P/s: looking like shit. Can't remember the last time I remembered to apply face moisturizer...or body moisturizer for that matter. Personal grooming has taken a backseat for now and the nest on my head seems to have morphed into a wavy mop.

Confinement Nanny

Feeling amused, touched, grateful and loved all at the same time.

The confinement nanny, Auntie Chiew Fong, left about a week ago. Her daughter works in sales and regularly drives into Singapore to deliver goods to her clients. Today auntie followed her daughter into Singapore and since she was in SG, she decided to give me a ring. Sort of as a follow-up to see how I am and how the little one is doing. 

She ended the call with "那你多多保重啊!"

So sweet lah...excellent customer service with after-sales support haha. 

Either that or she's feeling grateful that I recommended 2 friends to her or perhaps my angpow to her was generous? Lol...

Musings from a new parent

- You can't really consider yourself a parent yet unless you've been vomitted on, peed on, drooled on, farted at, sneezed at and...(insert other bodily excretions).

- You're disheveled half the time. Sorry, make that all the time.

- When your little one falls asleep in your arms, you feel like you're the greatest person in the world.

- When your little one gets extremely agitated and you can't do anything to soothe or alleviate whatever discomfort she is facing, you feel like the shittiest failure in the world. 

- You cringe when you hear others speaking and coo-ing in high-pitched baby talk, but you yourself somehow end up morphing into baby-talk mode as well. Oh well, double standards. ;p

- You suddenly discover a whole new creative side of yourself you never knew existed. And it usually appears right at those desperate moments when you're trying to entertain/distract/calm/soothe/pacify your little one. 

- You find the minutes, hours and days slipping by more quickly than they ever did before. 

- You never knew you could go on even when you're doggone tired and your lids are falling shut.

- You realise that most, if not all, mothers somehow naturally band/bond together. It's an unwritten code, an invisible glue of sorts. "I understand what you're going through. I've been through it. You'll get through it like how we all did. Hugs." 

Yay!

It's Tuesday today. Glad to say this: Yay! We survived a week without the confinement nanny already!

Many trying and tiring moments for K and I, but we're roughing it out together and that's what counts. 

Special shout-out to my mum who has provided much help too.

脸色差

当然啦，心里现在抱着不满，埋怨，愤怒， 不耐烦，等等不开心的feeling。。。

也有打抱不平的感觉。。。

害得我现在也睡不着。

也许，我的tipping point/boiling point 要到了。

News at 3am

Nanny forgot about my expressed milk and didn't feed it to the little one. Had to throw it away...:(

Wasted effort in pumping, Sigh. Sibei sad. 

"Control Freak"

The partial definition, pieced together from various sources, of which is:

Control freaks rarely know that they are one. They believe they are helping with their "constructive criticism" or taking over a project because "no one will do it right". They don't see their controlling behaviors as symptoms of what's really going on - their own anxieties running amok. 

In some cases, the control freak sees their constant intervention as beneficial or even necessary; this can be caused by feelings of separation or departure from one whom loved, believing that others are incapable of handling matters properly, or the fear that things will go wrong if they do not attend to every detail. 

In other cases, they may simply enjoy the feeling of power it gives them so much that they automatically try to gain control of everything and everyone around them.

Core elements of a controlling or bossy person include a lack of trust in others and their abilities, a feeling of superiority, a need to criticize and a liking of power. They tend to think they are entitled to being in charge and to bossing around others. 

If they are disrespectful, arrogant in tone, pushy and dictatorial, this is a sign that the person is controlling rather than requesting, negotiating and respecting. 

Keep going

"If you're going through hell, keep going. " - Winston Churchill

This was on a friend's FB status. 

Winston Churchill made this remark during WW2, when the UK was facing uncertainty about the war, with Nazi Germany conquering France. So in that context, in the face of adversity, have faith, hope and confidence in yourself. :)

I like this quote. 

Quite timely too. 

Midnight Gasp

Tmd! Supply dwindling again??!!

Now I have to restart the 3-hourly expressing again?? 

Mega bleah. 

Hope

I hope we manage to teach, guide and care for our child the way we intend to.

Others may have their own thoughts about how we should do things, but I do hope that they also respect our ideas, views and decisions made for OUR child. Not his, not hers, not theirs. OUR child.  

Going forward, I hope things will be followed through based on the parameters we set. If not, things will get ugly. 

Afternoon musings

Wonder if a person's lack of trust in the ability of others is the cause of bossiness in the same said person. 

But I do think that a person's lack of trust in the ability of others definitely exacerbates the said person's bossiness. 

*pant*

Challenging day so far. And it's only 2pm. Was thrown some curveballs as well. Great opportunities for learning although I still suck big-time at things.

Nvm, bring it on!! 

要拼才会赢!!

Fighting!!

-_-""

她要睡觉了你还一直跟她大声说话，哪她怎么睡得着??? 后来哭了又是让你抱走...zzz

Awkward Conversations

Filipino helper just walked in on me expressing my milk. By now I'm immune to flashing my chest at any and all ladies. While her English is passable, sometimes it is still hard to understand her.

She: Mam, small. *points vaguely at my belly/chest area*

Me: Huh? U mean my belly is getting smaller?

She: No. Small. *points to my chest and the breast pump*

Me: ???

She: Small, milk. 

Me: ???

We kind of switched topics after this because she couldn't convey her thought and I couldn't comprehend her. 

But. There can only be two ways to interpret "Small, milk". 

One, she's trying to say my boobs are small. If so, fml. 

Two, she's trying to say I have little milk flow. In which case, fml too. 

Hmmm....

The DWM

And the Double-Word Monologue starts again:

"Oh taking your bath-bath ah?"

"No need to cry-cry lah"

"Auntie wipe-wipe you only lah"

"Auntie help you clean-clean, no need to cry-cry ok!"

"You will smell nice-nice after this!"

"Okok, dry-dry now"

"Do you need to burp-burp?"

"Nai-nai carry-carry ok?"

"Do you need to poot-poot?"

"You look so sweet ah, soooo sweet-sweet"

"Cannot put you down is it, wait you cry-cry again ah?"

"Don't need to be so upset-upset lah"

"Do you want to eat-eat?"

"Orh Orh Orh Orh Orh Orh Orh"

Ohm...God grant me patience.

Monologue

"You want to drink milk-milk ah?"

"Why you cry-cry so much?"

"Give you drop-drop you want?"

"Okok, burp-burp you now ok?"

"You're so sweet-sweet lah"

"Give you milk-milk already"

"Why so upset-upset?"

"Are you hot-hot?"

"Are you cold-cold?" 

"你热-热啊?"

"Orh Orh Orh Orh Orh Orh Orh"

Sigh. The baby's trying to drink. Disturbing the baby with so much one-way dialogue is not going to help. Grammatically wrong and weird double-words will not help too.....

Oh yes, patting the baby's stomach and head while she is trying to drink will not help too! Sigh. 

累了

Feeling appreciative

Grateful and thankful for all the gifts and visits from friends and relatives.

I've got many many boxes of bird's nest and essence of chicken now. If I open all the boxes of essence of chicken, I think there'd be at least 100-120 individual bottles....not counting the 20 bottles I've thereabouts already consumed so far. 

And the little girl now has many many booties lol. And more additions to her (burgeoning) wardrobe. 

Storage seems to be an inevitable and upcoming challenge for us lol....

On leave...by right

But "by left"....there are still some work-related questions being directed my way. Not that I am complaining, for it gives me something concrete to focus on and it stops my brain from becoming mush. It'll probably keep me on track too, easier for me to get back into the daily work grind after my maternity leave is up. 

Tired

All I feel like doing now is to have a good deep sleep.

This is probably a period when I'm at my most drab. Few have seen me like this. Only close friends and family maybe. But in the last 2 weeks, everyone has seen me in this state - sans make-up, with thick glasses on, chapped lips, white and blackheads in their full uncovered glory, greasy hair in a ponytail with stray strands falling out of it, unplucked brows, exposed nursing bra straps, unshaved legs, dark eye rings, and of course....wearing my worn-out tattered FBT shorts. 

Strangely, I don't care. Or maybe I'm too tired to care about how I look to these visitors. 

This is the raw me. 

.....

The feeling of rejection has never been greater. 

Happy Two Weeks Precious Girl

How time flies.

Your cheeks have grown chubbier.

You're still as feisty. 

You've developed more facial expressions.

Your hair's turning a lighter shade.

Your toes are still wriggling all the time.

Your face is getting more squarish.

You're liking the music from the cot mobile now. 

You still don't enjoy bathing.

And daddy and mummy love you even more each day. 

This Morning

Horror is when

You accidentally drop the milk bottle

Without its cover on

Sadness is when

You know the milk bottle contains 

Your own milk

Exasperation is when

You find that you need to clean the floor 

And squat with your still slightly aching wound

Relief is when

You realise that the milk bottle

Contains only 10ml of your milk (and not 80ml)

Thankfulness is when

You realise that you still have 

Enough supply to pump out for your child

Acceptance is when

You tell yourself that this is just a tiny incident

Get a grip and move on

6 different emotions

Fleeting by all within 3 seconds 

Such is life

Periphery

The edge

The outskirts

The outer boundary 

The shadows

The sidelines

The perimeter

The brink

The verge 

The outermost 

Me-time Thoughts

Too much noise

Too many people

Too many hands 

Too much for 

This introvert me

Need a peaceful

Sanctuary of sorts

K, N and I 

Three of us

Still a dream 

To be fulfilled

I Wonder...

By the time my confinement ends...

- How many litres of longan-red date-ginger tea I would have consumed.

- How many kampong chickens were used to cook my meals or to make soup for me.

- How many cups of brown rice were used for my meals.

- How many kilograms of ginger, red dates, black dates, dried longans and lemongrass were used to make my meals, drinks and bathing water. 

- How many eggs were used for my daily breakfast.

- How many millilitres of Martel VSOP were used to brew soups for me.

- How many bottles of chicken essence I consumed. 

- How many cups of Milo I consumed. 

- How many slices of ngor hee, cod and sang yu fish slices I had

As a New Mum

You come to realise several things:

1. Every drop counts. This has never taken on more meaning for me than it has now that I am breastfeeding and expressing milk.

2. Everyone wants a piece of the action, be it just seeing and touching the baby, or taking care of the baby, or feeding the baby, or cleaning the baby, ....

3. The number of people I've physically exposed myself to over the last 11 days is way way way more than the number of people who have seen me naked/semi-naked in my entire life. Flashing my boobs to others while breastfeeding or expressing milk in the house (except my FIL of course) seems the norm these days. 

4. Frustration, being upset and having some form of helplessness sets in pretty easily. I guess the phenomenon of postnatal blues is true, especially in the first 2 weeks after delivery. Trying to keep a positive and calmer mindset, although external factors are difficult to control. 

5. While it is perplexing not being able to understand your baby's cries and trying to learn how to care for your baby, seeing your baby smile or sleep peacefully in her cot is enough to shoo away any negativities there might be. 

6. While there are guidelines, advice and suggestions, ultimately a lot of things are based on gut feel, and trial and error. It becomes a perpetual on-the-job-training, which makes sense in a way, since it is a lifelong responsibility raising a child. 

Wise Words

照顾baby要有三个心：爱心， 耐心，专心。

- Auntie Chiew Fong, the super confinement nanny

So so true. Maybe I'll add on another 心：恒心

Happy Birthday

17 October 2013.

My 33rd birthday must be my most memorable ever, although it was spent quietly at home. Well-wishes and greetings from friends and family warmed my heart and I received 2 surprises at the same time. Dear K got a red velvet cake for me and it was adorned with pretty red rose buds on the top. Ally and PQ arranged for a lovely bouquet with purple-pink roses to be sent to me and it was accompanied by a cheese and salted caramel cake.

And of course, I gave myself a big present this year too. Went through some   hardship getting the present "delivered". Pun intended. BUT, it was well worth it. :) 

呼吸

忍一时风平浪静，退一步海阔天空

深呼吸一下

小事，没事

The Arrival

It was like how I remembered it to be. During the brain op back in 2005, I wasn't wearing specs when they wheeled me towards the operating theatre. I remembered feeling dizzy looking at the bright corridor lights above me.

It was the same this time round on the morning of 9 Oct 2013. Rows of white fluorescent lights flashed by in a blurry line above me while I lay in a trolley bed and the attendants wheeled me past corners, into lifts and past corridors. 

I was put in a holding area, more nurses and attendants came by, all asking the same questions. "What is your name?" " What is your IC number?" And then they would slip back into their own hospital speak to update each other on what or where I was supposed to be going through next. I had to sign some documents, all of which I can't remember what they were about. There were cheery, sincere, friendly nurses and docs, there was a fair share of stoic, rigid, straight-faced nurses and docs as well. 

The experience in the actual OT room was vastly different though. I was awake this time round, very fully aware of the large number of people in the room, the beepings of the monitoring equipments, the clanking of the operation tools, the very bright lights above the operation table, the very very cold air, the sound of people putting on surgical gloves, the sound of the main doc issuing instructions, the buzz of an electric shaver, the light banter between the docs and nurses and whoever else was in there....

I was given two jabs into my spine to numb me from the tummy area to my toes. I was given a shave down there. Different people were working on various parts of me. I was bombarded with questions and updates all at the same time. It was overwhelming. All I wanted to tell them was "Can you all stop making so much noise? I need space, give me space. I am feeling claustrophobic now. I am scared." 

Scary could be a word to describe the experience. Traumatising seems exaggerated so maybe overwhelming might be more appropriate. 

I did not feel the blade when they cut into me. But I could feel the swaying. My body was swaying from left to right when they made the incision. I remember telling them I felt nauseous and breathless. And I remembered someone saying it was a normal reaction to the anaesthetic. Some other lady told me to relax. Someone stuck a syringe into my drip plug and left it crudely sticking out from the plug. Someone else adjusted a wire snaking up my arm and onto my chest. I recognized my gynae's voice and he was telling me that they needed to push down on my belly. 

Push they did. I felt my belly emptying and the next thing I knew was that I heard the loudest baby cry ever. It filled the entire OT room and more and it kept on going. Someone above my head said "Congratulations." Someone else further away commented "Wow that's loud." Someone said "Female." And then Little Baby's genitalia was thrust into my view and then whisked away again. 

Someone else made her way to the side of my head and introduced herself and told me that my baby would be placed on me for skin to skin contact. 

And then suddenly, she was plonked onto my chest. This squirmy and somewhat sticky little thing, with blinking eyes and scratchy fingers. 

I thought I would cry the first time I saw her but I didn't. The speed and intensity at which things happened probably didn't give me time to react emotionally. I often wondered what my reaction would be and what I would say to her. 

In the end, I only managed a cheesy "Hello Little Baby". And I wondered if she heard it because I still had on my oxygen mask. 

I held her. She's so soft and small and red, I thought to myself. She was squirming and made little mewing and squealing sounds. She had long fingernails and was scratching at my chest. And then it hit me, she had a full head of fluffy, luscious, wavy hair! 

Welcome to this world Little Baby. Our little Nadya. Daddy and Mummy love you. 

The Month of October

October is usually a significant month for me, mainly because my birthday falls within this month. Two years ago, it took on an extra significance because K and I had our ROM on 8 Oct 2011. And now, October takes on an even greater significance for me because our precious little girl was born on 9 Oct 2013.

The other good thing to happen this October was that I got promoted at work. My boss called it a "double happiness" and that he "engineered" the timing of the promotion to help me celebrate the arrival of my little one. Lol...his uncle humour is so cute at times. 

Sweet K

Touched to the max. K was supposed to head home tonight and then call me when he settled down. He was supposed to come again to the hospital tomorrow morning at 7-plus. I waited for a long time but he didn't call. And then suddenly he appeared at my bedside in the ward again, armed with an overnight bag this time round. *touched*

Nobody stopped him from coming in to the wards anyway and so he settled down into the chair next to my bed and tried to get to sleep. Unfortunately though, an auntie nurse came by an hour later to shoo him away...:( 

Now poor K has to sleep outside in the general area...

Last nice meal before confinement begins

Well, Mac was the easiest craving to indulge in before I started my fast at 11pm on Tues night. :) Thanks to K who ordered it in for me.

Preggy Homer?

Can't help but feel there's a slight (physical/bodily) similarity between Homer Sompson and me at this point in time...hmm. :)

Wish I could sleep as soundly as him though. 

Awake

Tired. But I can't seem to sleep again. Been flipping around for the last 2-plus almost 3 hours, alternating between trying to sleep and fiddling with my phone.

Little Baby's squirming around. I can feel her ever so often. Maybe she knows d-day is drawing very near.

Oh Bleah, may the sweet whispers of sleep find me soon...

All set

Am loving the yellow hues and of course the lovely little bunny. :) 

Good news on a Friday morning

Dad called me excitedly this morning. From his voice, I could tell he was very happy and most probably had a huge grin on his face. :) 

He was at my granny's place and it seemed that she was much more alert today. She could recognize him although she was still not talking. When he showed her pictures of Adrian, Marc and I, she nodded. She actually had the presence of mind to point to the chair to get my Dad to sit down and she could also feed herself today. 

I was so happy to hear about all these. :D 

Wish I had been there to witness this. 

Go Mama go! 

Of books

I'm sorry Mr Lee. I respect you and all but your book is rather dry to me (I've only managed to read till page 20) and I've decided to switch to Mr Gladwell's book for the time being.

Maybe next time I'll give your book a try again ok? No hard feelings ya. :) 

Je veux me coucher mais....

I'm tired but wide awake again. Sleep eludes me somehow. My eyelids are heavy and I've tried closing them for at least the past hour-plus. To no avail. 

I hope I won't be groggy throughout the entire day tomorrow, like how I was today. 

Wonder if counting sheep helps. 

One little lamb

Two little lambs

Three little lambs 

.......

.....

....

..

Bits n pieces

I am officially on leave from today till February next year, which means I can officially be "bochup" about work.

But my boss seems to not get it in his head yet that I'm on leave already and he is still sending me emails. He's an old man, maybe he needs loads of reminding or maybe he refuses to accept the fact that I won't be around for 4-plus months lol. 

===============

The countdown went from months to weeks and now it's reduced to days. Part excited, part jittery! 

===============

The ideas, comments and opinions are coming in already. To bring up your child, you should do this and that, you can't do this and that, you need to feed your child this and that, you must train your child on this and that, you must do it this way, you have to, etc....

Keeping fingers crossed that I have the patience to deal with all of these going forward. 

===============

Am wondering. Now that my appetite has expanded, will I be able to get it back to usual pre-pregnancy levels after I deliver? 

Hmmm...

It's interesting to note how some folks consciously or sub-consciously self-invite themselves to your functions. Functions which you have not even started planning for.

Before I had my wedding dinner, I heard these: 

"Must remember to invite me to your wedding ok!"

Or

"When are you holding your dinner? I want to be there."

And now, even before Little Baby is born: 

"I'm sure you'll be having a manyue celebration right? 记得要请我ok"

Or

"You're having the one-month old celebration right? You can return the stuff (which I lent you earlier) to me then."

Hmmm...lol. 

Big Smile of the Day - Part II

We saw Dr Tan earlier this afternoon and Little Baby is now 2.7-2.8kg. And she's still growing rapidly. Jiayou and grow well little one!

Tell Mummy what you wish to eat too so that Daddy can go get it for us. :D :D :D

Big Smile of the Day - Part I

Tada! A lovely pot of sweet basil. With big, fat and fragrant leaves lol.

Thank you Ally!! :))) I love the colour of the pot too! Yay! 

New perspectives

Oh lookie, I found me a new mini desk. :D

小猪猪

Cute ter-kia from 大中国. Given to me by a colleague last Thursday and gobbled up by Saturday. :) 

Voila...36 weeks

Let's see now...pregnancy changes your body in ways you didn't know quite possible lol.

1. The aircon is on right now. I'm still sweating like a pig and feeling like I'm in an oven. Yep, I know, I'm hot. 

2. I'm getting skin discolourations in several places, some of which I shan't mention here. Even the backs of my thighs have brown patches running down them now. Uglification. Is there such a word?

3. Little bumps, some colourless, some brown, seem to enjoy popping up all over my chest and belly. Most have been long term occupiers since several months back. A few new tenants seem to prefer setting up camp on my cheekbones instead. And I can't evict them at all, stop short of carving them out with a blade or something.

4. Sitting demurely is quite out of the question now. I can't even keep my knees together for more than 5mins. Oh, to hell with it, if I'm in a dress and my knickers are saying hi to the world, so be it. 

5. The last time I felt the coppery taste of blood running down my throat was when I was still in primary school. I felt it twice again in the last couple of weeks. The doc said it's common with expectant ladies. Afterall, we're carrying an extra 30-40% more blood volume than usual. 

6. I've always had a healthy appetite. But. I never knew I could eat so much. 

7. Breathlessness in these last few weeks is a definite bane. At times, the huffing and puffing I go through almost convinces me that I've morphed into an old woman. 

8. I'm pretty amazed at the elasticity of the human skin. Enough said. 

9. I seem to be taking copious amounts of water in a day, like averaging 2L or maybe more a day or so, and I still feel thirsty sometimes. 

10. And the list goes on...nausea, tiredness, on and off constipation...

Less than 3 weeks to go. 

Ganbatte Michelle! 

Slap in the face?

The irony of it. I made a big boo boo in my own paper. So maybe I don't have the right anymore to chastise people when they don't do typo n grammar checks for their papers.

SIGH. Bleah

O.M.G.

Woke this morning thinking:

OMG. 3.5weeks left to D-Day. 

职业病?

I have been editing and proof-reading alot of reports and papers since last week. It irks me immeasurably that people don't bother to check for consistency, typos, grammatical errors and other mistakes in their documents. These are to be submitted to the Board leh and you churn out such stuff with glaring errors? Sigh. 

Are my expectations high? I don't think so. It's kinda like, how can I take you seriously if you don't even bother with the most basic of report and paper writing? 

More Preparations

Kettles and flasks cleaned and used and ready.

Clothes, nappies and blankets washed and in the midst of drying. 

Unpacking the milk bottles now lol...and trying to make sense of them all. Different sizes and colours and shapes! 

Motivation

I have zero affinity with ironing. Never liked it, especially when my mum forced me to do it when I was a teenager. Spent awhile ironing this morning and was feeling bored and restless till I found a way to motivate myself muahahahha. 

I know I'm not supposed to snack while pregnant but once in a looooooong while is ok lah. Right? :D 

Besides, the last time I ever had Twisties was years ago! 

Preparations and Counting Down

The cot has arrived!

More preps are underway. Unpacking the things we'd bought and putting them away into storage boxes or shelves or drawers. Washing up the new hot flask, using the airpot, testing the warmer, washing the baby's clothes and linen, etc. Clearing up other things we don't need.

Counting down. Suddenly it went from a few months down the road to...ack....4.5 weeks down the road only. 

Improvisation

When you forget to bring your hair clip to work, a plastic paper clip works fine too! Lol. 

Early Morning Conversation

MIL: You're getting more tired is it?
me: Ya. I'm not sleeping well also lah.
MIL: How come?
me: *cites several reasons*
MIL: I see. Ya lah, it also happens when you're more advanced in age when you get pregnant.
me: *nods*


Ack...
This is the first time someone has used this term on me......."more advanced in age"........

*wails*  :(

Losing some zen

Tigers and Monkeys are directly  opposite each other in the Chinese Zodiac. As such, people of these signs apparently don't get along with each other. 

I find it somewhat true, especially in my relationships with Tigers born in 1974. While things are generally ok, sometimes situations get a little testy. I'm fine with older Tigers though, maybe with age comes more tolerance as well and they are more toned down compared to their younger counterparts. 

Just had a testy conversation with a teammate. Well, at least I found it testy, my hackles were slightly raised, tone of voice was different from normal though I still kept a restrained, neutral face. 

Lun. Maybe it's just me who's been a little impatient and quick to fly off the handle this week. Maybe I should manage myself (and my surge of hormones) more. 

Laugh of the Day

My in-house legal counsel just realized that I'm pregnant. Lol and he has seen me on several occasions in the last few months, at least 5-6 times, if not more. It took him so long to realize and he called himself a dimwit hahaa.

Les Moutons

Found these pics online and I think they're hilariously cute.

Breathe in, breathe out

Bad Monday so far.

Bad jam in the morning. 1h15mins on the bus made me quite queasy. 

Then HR told me "too bad, public holidays during your maternity leave won't be compensated for." There's at least 3 days of PH during my ML. That's half a week!!

And then the bloody Yong tau fu stall got my lunch order very wrong. Redid my order and but then found out that they shortchanged me 2 items. NB. 

Breathe in, breathe out. 

Granny

Came by to see granny and found her in such an odd sleeping position. Well, whatever makes her comfy. :)

The nurses just applied moisturizing lotion all over her. I appreciate that as it helps keep her skin hydrated and not so dry. When her skin gets too dry, it gets itchy and she scratches herself, more often than not with too much strength and then her skin breaks and sometimes festers into small sores, which bring her even more discomfort. 

She has not called my name since the start of this year. In fact, she's not called nor recognized any of us since then as well. Breaks my heart. I think Dad feels upset about it as well but tries not to show it too much.

When I started to show a few months back, I told her that I'm pregnant with her great-grandchild and got her to feel my belly. I hoped she understood it then. She could still catch our gazes at that point in time. Now when I'm bigger, she doesn't even want to look at us at all and usually just sleeps. Even when having her lunch, her eyes are mostly closed. 

Right now, she's just staring into space and not responding when I try to speak to her. She just nods but she doesn't really register anything. 

And lately, according to the nurses, she's taken to biting things. She just chewed her pillowcase. It's really a second childhood of sorts, she's like a teething baby now. 

Sigh. When LB is old enough to be brought out, I'll bring her to see her great-grandmother first. And we'll definitely need to take a picture with my Dad as well, 4 generations in one pic. Yes, that has to be done. 

Need. To. Vent. And. Rant.

Met alot of fucking idiots on the bus today. Maybe it's a suay day. Simply cannot believe it. People vacated their seats for me only to have others rush to take the seats instead. Like WTH?? Happened twice somemore. And no, just because you're a foreigner doesn't mean you can act blur.

Wasn't feeling well and decided to catch a cab home. Spent 15mins calling and calling but couldn't get a single one. Took the bus instead and ended up meeting these ridiculous people and then now I'm caught in a bloody jam. 

Wah lan eh. Sibei dulan.

There, I feel better already. 

Introverts

Interesting article about introverts and their common traits.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/20/introverts-signs-am-i-introverted_n_3721431.html

 

While reading the article, I identified myself with around 12-15 of these traits. Showed up in my MBTI profiling as well. Double confirm! I am definitely bigger majority introvert, tiny minority extrovert.

Extracted for convenient reading. The 23 common traits of introverts.

1. You find small talk incredibly cumbersome.

2. You go to parties – but not to meet people.
3. You often feel alone in a crowd.
4. Networking makes you feel like a phony.
5. You've been called "too intense."
6. You're easily distracted.
7. Downtime doesn’t feel unproductive to you.
8. Giving a talk in front of 500 people is less stressful than having to mingle with those people afterwards.
9. When you get on the subway, you sit at the end of the bench -– not in the middle.
10. You start to shut down after you’ve been active for too long.
11. You're in a relationship with an extrovert.
12. You'd rather be an expert at one thing than try to do everything.
13. You actively avoid any shows that might involve audience participation.
14. You screen all your calls -- even from friends.
15. You notice details that others don't.
16. You have a constantly running inner monologue.
17. You have low blood pressure.
18. You’ve been called an “old soul” – since your 20s.
19. You don't feel "high" from your surroundings
20. You look at the big picture.
21. You’ve been told to “come out of your shell.”
22. You’re a writer.
23. You alternate between phases of work and solitude, and periods of social activity.

Have you eaten??

Lol this was a lame conversation I just had with a colleague. I had gone to dabo lunch and was on the way back to office when I met him at the lift lobby.

Him: eh hello! 你吃饱了啊？

Me: oh no lah. 刚刚去打包而以。

Him: orh, 我以为你吃饱了。因为你看起来很饱，肚子这样大！

Me: ah?? .......-_-"  你很lame leh!!!

Warm Morning

Feeling less cool and calm these 2-3 days. Maybe I'm getting warmer. 

Was a little annoyed that I missed my bus this morning simply because I couldn't cross the road in time to catch my bus on the other side of the road. So near, yet so far. 

And then I realized I might have been more than a little annoyed because I was muttering "big f*ck, f*ck, f*ck...." under my breathe lol. 

In any case, calmed myself down in a few minutes by camwhoring. 

Sidenote: Ally's down with cough and a bad throat, PQ had a bad throat yesterday too. And this morning I woke with a bad throat too. I don't think bad throats can be "spread" by whatsapp hor? Lol

mid-day rant

Any public servant not at an admin level would understand the pain involved in doing minuting.

It's alright if you're assigned to do minuting for matters you are familiar with. But when you're arrowed to undertake minuting responsibilities for things completely out of your scope and depth, it's almost sheer torture.

The acronyms involved, the various parties and divisions involved, the way everyone speaks so quickly or mumble their way through, the scramble to jot down things you don't understand nor have an inkling about, the rush to deliver the notes of meeting within the next 2 days......Plus, because you are not familiar with the subjects discussed, you cannot catch the subtle nuances of the bosses who are reporting the issues on hand.

I was frustrated this morning during the 1.5hr meeting. I only understood 15% of it. The rest of the time I was feeling confused, lost and tired. And it didn't help that LB was having a ball of a time kicking and squirming around quite alot. She must have been excited at hearing new voices lol.

Anyway, enough of ranting. Back to my drafting of minutes.......boooo.

Heaviest I've ever been

Stepped on the scale this morning.

It's official, I've crossed 58kg. My guesstimate is that I'll hit 61-62kg by the time I'm due. 

Wonder how heavy Little Baby is right now. Jiayou with the growing LB! 

Beefy lunch today

Stocking up on iron and protein and eating more beef these days since we seldom have red meat at home. :) 

Food glorious food

能吃是福！

Realized that my pregnancy cravings are mainly: tomato-based pasta, hor fun, toasted bread, pork floss bun, cheeseburger and filet-o-fish. If chye tow kueh were easily accessible and not so oily, I think I'll be having alot of it as well lol.

==========

Looking forward to having my fill these last couple of weeks before I get stuck at home with confinement and plain foods...

==========

Maybe I should start planning my daily lunch meals so that I get the most kick out of it! hee...

Snippets from Parwin's wedding reception

This was on 10 Aug. 

Walking around in a sari is challenging. Walking around in a sari with a pregnant belly is doubly challenging lol. 

Loved the bling on the sari though the colour didn't suit me that well. Would have loved being in cyan/aquamarine or black! :))

Unfortunately I don't have any pics of the bride on my phone! Couldn't get good angles from where I was sitting. 

Breathe...

Slightly frazzled. Had a bad dream last night. 

Dreams are common for pregnant women. But some of mine can be a little disturbing at times.

Deep breaths. Need to stay zen.

Amidst everything.

Déjeuner avec Cher

I first met Cher when I joined her French class back in 2007. That’s 6 years already and we’ve had our share of fun moments with the rest of the Frenchies.

She’s a real cool lady even though she’s at least 15 years older than most of us.

 

She came by my office to have lunch with me yesterday. Said something about having to meet up at least once before I deliver haha.  Thoroughly enjoyed lunch with her and I really appreciated her swinging by. Simple meals can be made even more wonderful if you’ve the right company with you. :)

 

Merci beaucoup Cher, pour un déjeuner agréable et amusant! :)

Hehe

Awesomeness is when your mother-in-law buys you green tea KitKat. :D

无影脚

Yep, she's a feisty one.

Dr Tan was using his scanner on me yesterday afternoon. She must have hated being poked by the scanner and kicked back several times. Lol it was quite funny because he was trying to measure the length of her femur and she was kicking so furiously he couldn't get a reading at all.

He had to stop for a few seconds before trying again.

Keep growing well little one. :)

Thoughts

Self-doubt occasionally reaches out even to the best of us.

I’m just a normal girl and reservations about my own abilities float into my thoughts from time to time. More in recent days and I think it’ll be on my mind even more so as October draws nearer.

October. That’s when Little Baby arrives.

So what’s on my mind now? Plenty.

Will the wound hurt alot from the C-section? Can I manage holding her and feeding her without wincing in pain from the wound?

Will I produce enough milk? Can I handle breastfeeding? What if she doesn’t latch on? How the hell do I know if she’s had enough?

What if I run out of patience and feel like slapping her when she cries uncontrollably? Will I scream at her? Will I shout at her?

Will I be able to bathe and clean her properly? What if she inherits my not-so-good body constitution instead of her father’s robustness?

Will I be a good mother? Can I handle things? Can I handle her?

Will I be able to inculcate good values in her as she grows older? Will I be able to set a good example for her to emulate? Will I bring her up well?

I’d like to think I am not the only one to think or feel this way whether as a soon-to-be mother or a new mother. Or maybe some mothers questions themselves even when their kids have grown up.

Whatever it is, come what may, I’ll be winging it and doing the best I can.

Of course, with K charging on by my side as well. :)

Touched

I take the bus to work each day. The bus-stop is a distance away from my office and now that the belly's getting bigger, I usually take a short rest at a bench along the way.

I was sitting there this morning and an Indian lady in her 20s walked past me. I might have been panting or rubbing my belly for she did an about-turn and asked me if I was ok or needed any help. 

So sweet of her to check on me. *touched* Really appreciate her early morning kindness! Many people walk past me each morning when I'm sitting at that bench but none has ever done what she did. 

Argh

Bringing my water bottle out and realizing  I'd forgotten to fill it with water seems a common thing these days.

But I brought my blurness/stupidity/absentminded-ness to a whole new level just now.

I closed the car door on my own right hand earlier on. 

Luckily my left hand was doing the closing and it wasn't done using full force. Otherwise, the hurt to my right hand would have been much worse. 

Still, the top of my right hand's aching a little now and reddish. 

Argh.

Hitting the Big Three

The first time it happened was in 2010, the year I turned 30. I didn't think much of it then. Sure, it was a milestone in the story of my life but I didn't think about it much. At least not till I realized that more wrinkles started appearing, my dark eye circles became darker, dreaded cellulite started appearing and my stamina was no longer what it used to be.

And now I've hit the big three again. Another milestone in the story of my life. A special, significant one. And I should add, a special chapter in the story of K's life and the story of Little Baby's life too. :) 

Yep, we've hit 30 weeks. Another 8 weeks or so before LB leaves her dim, cushioned, watery, bubbly world and enters our world, one full of sights and sounds and other glorious things for her to explore. 

Grow well for now LB and be a healthy, happy, normal, big and strong baby! (Well um, not too big though lol) 

Parwin's wedding

Random shots from Parwin's wedding. First time ever attending a Sikh wedding :) Here's wishing her and Desh a blessed and blissful marriage!