HUH?

“You need to learn to pick up the skill of more passionate writing.”

This was in an email the boss sent to me this morning. 

Oh please. I used to write more emotively and passionately and he said the words used were either too strong or too emotional and needed to be toned down and made more neutral and objective.

Now he's saying that I need to be more passionate in my writing.

Boss, what do you want ah? Sigh.

We’re in the public service. I thought our tone should be more neutral and subtle?

Work Today

The classics are accompanying me at work today.

The tunes of Spanish Eyes, More, Big Spender, Chicago, and more are filling me up....and the silky voices of Dean Martin, Nat King Cole, Tony Bennett, Shirley Bassey, Louis Armstrong, Julie London and more are just so comforting...

Drafting a difficult email since this morning. I hope my mind clears up its block soon and this email gets drafted properly!

Planning a half day this Friday. I really need to get a haircut. My locks are unshapely, messy and getting all tangled up.

Absent-mindedness

Resulting from a lack of sleep.

I have been placing things somewhere and then forgetting where I placed them.

And this morning, after I showered and sat down to apply make-up....I realised to my horror......that my eyes were still smudged from the previous day's eyeliner. Apparently I had forgotten to remove my eye make-up the previous night.....zzzz....

jiayou!!

Ok, I backslided for a few days and became a grumpy grouch. Or is it a grouchy grump? Oh whatever, you know what I mean. I think it was due to a few reasons:

(i) I did not manage to get good sleep for a few nights due to the neighbours’ dogs kicking up a mad ruckus consecutively over a few nights…plus my FIL was watching the World Cup…plus I’ve been sleeping late and waking up earlier than usual….

(ii) I’ve both a tension ache in my shoulder and neck as well as a nagging ache on both temples. Actually even my jaws are aching. Tension aches? Or just heaty? Hmm….

(iii) I allowed myself to slide…and got overwhelmed by the number of things to do and the number of things to think about or decide on….

I promise I’ll pick myself up again.

Afterall, life is beautiful and I shouldn’t mar it with too much negativities. I should count my blessings everyday too…that I have a loving family, firm friends, a wonderful husband and a gorgeous lovable daughter. And I have an able body and an able mind.

Baby and Little Baby

K went to BKK again yesterday morning and will be back on Friday evening.

I'm glad Little Baby was pretty much a sweetie last night and was easy to handle. She knocked out at 7pm and only woke twice after that. Once at 12am and another at 130am for a feed. After the feed, she concussed on her full tummy all the way till this morning when I woke her up for her diarrhoea medication.

When I tip-toed into the room this morning, I found her on her belly in the starfish position i.e. spreadeagled with arms and legs fully stretched out. Head to one side, right cheek squashed against the mattress and mouth agape. I could her breathing deeply and slowly. It was really cute. Plus she was in a romper dotted with many many tiny pink hearts. Oh what a sight in the morning! My heart was filled with love. :)

But alas! My brain doesn't work well in the mornings. I forgot to take a picture...bah...

Anyway, I hope she'll be a sweetie pie this evening again and not fuss too much haha.

Little Baby misses Daddy. Dada come home quickly!

Fml

For some reason, I seem to always "meet" with worms or snails in my vegetables. Or ants in my soup or pebbles in my rice. Or other weird stuff...

K says I think too much or am on the watch for them which is why I spot them often, more so than the average person. 

I beg to differ. 

Case in point: I was not looking for anything in my broccoli this afternoon during lunch at Astons. I was listening to Kah Hui griping about work and happened to flip over the first piece of broccoli on my plate. And then there it was. A HUGEASS cream-coloured worm right smack in between the stems of that piece of broccoli. Boiled to stiffness. It was a good 0.5mm thick and 2 long. That's the biggest worm I've ever encountered in my veg. I made the staff change the entire plate of food for me. Thinking about it now still gives me the creeps. And I was slightly disappointed at their service. No service recovery except to change my plate of food. I only heard a single sorry. 

Just 2 weeks ago I encountered a dark grey worm in the veg in my fish noodle soup at the foodcourt. Like wtf. That was a long one too, also about 2cm. 

And then there was that stupid pebble in my rice which caused my molar to crack a few years ago, and which caused me to have one tooth less now. 

And then there was that snail in my watercress soup at home...that fried baby cockroach in my fried rice several years ago...that piece of metal in my noodles from the thing used to scrub pots....and the list goes on.....

Oh and guess what veg is being served for dinner at home today? 

Yes, broccoli. 

.........

Number 76

Mama, today's the 76th day since you left us. How fast time flies these days and 2-odd months has slipped by so quickly.

I can't say I think of you every single day but you appear in my thoughts often enough. And sometimes at odd times too...

I wish you well, wherever you are.

p/s: I have finally found out the name of your eldest sister, Tan Guat Sian.

pp/s: I miss your yellow rice dish...and many of your other dishes....

Savour the moment

The sky was gorgeous this evening and I'm very glad I got to see it with k by my side. He reached the station earlier than me and waited for me so we could walk home together. 

And we walked home to this beautiful sight....

The clouds were really lovely this evening. Anothero pic that I took while on the bus home.....

Oh sinful day!

Had both Old Chang Kee for tea and Mcdonalds for supper. 

Waistline expanding day. Horrors!!!

Sigh + Ugh + CMI

Nothing I can really do. 

So? 

Just keep it within. Till a point where I need to let it all out and then I'll find someway to flush it out. 

The little one

Quite like this pic of Little Baby.

Don't know why though. 

Side note: still not quite sure what to do with that thick "helmet" on her head. It's a waste to cut or trim it all off but sometimes it causes her to feel warm...

Our Nest

Its in its raw and infancy stages but slowly and surely taking shape....

mid-day thoughts

Sometimes when someone misunderstands you and your intentions…walk away or just let it slide…

Sometimes, the more you explain the more grimy it gets.

Those who matter, don't mind. They will still love you. 

Those who mind, don't matter I guess. 

Bah

It's one thing to be staying in your parents' place and have your mum walk into your room while you are sleeping. It's another thing altogether when you are staying with your in-laws and your MIL walks into your room in the dead of the night to check if you have closed the windows in your room and the baby's room. 

I got startled. I wasn't scared shitless but yes I was quite startled. 

Sigh...

:(

My body constitution is really weak now. It was weak before but I could still manage.
Pregnancy and childbirth must have zapped my body out of so much nutrients and energy that I feel quite weak now.

I fall sick easily and my stamina sucks. It's as if I am still pregnant and not able to walk quickly or climb the stairs without catching my breath.

A colleague suggested a whole list of chinese herbal soups guaranteed to boost vitality and the general "qi" of  a person. Sorry pal...I can't take herbs...Another suggested chicken stewed in brandy. This is more feasible...

Coupled with exercise (which I have yet to start....) I hope I can build myself up again...

........

The man's going away to BKK for a business trip tomorrow and will only be back on Thursday night.

Mummy will be on a solo adventure with the Little One for the next 3 mornings and nights. 

First time. Keeping fingers crossed! 

And may she be a good girl and sleep right through for all 3 nights! 

I've a board meeting on Wed afternoon and two of the tabled approval papers are mine. Hope I am not too "stoned" on that day. 

And my stomach isn't doing well these few days, especially today. May my tum feel better very soon. 

Jiayou!!

看开看开

凡事都要看开....

Even if there are irritating folks in your team...

看开看开...

And your world will still remain beautiful...

(Well, hopefully)

看开看开...

看开看开...

看开看开...

============
Not trying to be mean...but recall someone saying something about The Coll. It went something like this...

"Earn so much and still so lazy....With her attitude, no wonder she's still unmarried...Better find a guy for her. Hopefully she'll be better after that...."

I remember it came as a shock to me because the person who said the above is a mild-mannered and very patient lady. For her to say something like that means The Coll probably stepped on her toes once too many times...

开工大吉！

They dismantled the wallpapers on Wednesday and today the hacking officially starts. :) 

May everything go smoothly and be 顺顺利利! 

Looking forward to our little nest. 

A place where Little Baby will grow up in. :) 

Resting bitch face

I've long known that I have a "resting bitch face" aka chau bin and that I frown when I am concentrating hard at work or thinking about something. 

This was yet again affirmed by what the office cleaner auntie told my boss' PA. She said that I have a chau bin and look extremely fierce and unfriendly and that she didn't dare talk to me. Knowing how she usually speaks and gossips about others, she probably made it sound quite bad. 

Oh well, I'm actually just a harmless meek lamb. Really. 

feeling....calm

It's been a good day so far. I'm thankful.
Work has been smooth. I had a half-hour skype call with a potential reseller based in New York which went well, though at times it was a little awkward, maybe because of time lag issues with Skype.

I had mee hoon kueh for lunch and it warmed me up from the inside out. Perfect meal for a cold and rainy day.

Power Station accompanied me this morning during work and now in the afternoon, Jason Mraz has the honours of doing so.

The melodies of Mr Curiosity, A Beautiful Mess, 93 Million Miles, You and I Both....are filling my ears...some repeatedly haha.

I feel at peace and I am imagining the days when I can play his songs in my own home...while I am going about my chores...or just chilling on the couch...

Can't quite decide if the music or the rain is calming me...

心疼

Oh...心疼啊心疼...Little Baby has been on a blend of Zyrtec, Bambec and Singulaire...

The doc did a nose swab on her and it tested positive for bacteria and so now she has to be on antibiotics....and because she will be on antibiotics, the doc's prescribing her probiotics as well because the antibiotics might cause her gastric....

Sigh...so young and taking so much medication...:(

K & I are feeling 心疼 now...

Dreams...

Dreamt of Xingli last week but I couldn't remember what the dream was about. Dreamt of her again on Sat night and I distinctly remembered that she was expecting in my dream and it was a baby boy she was carrying. 

I texted her on Sunday, told her about my dream and jokingly asked if my dream was true. 

And she said it was half-true. 

She really was expecting her third but it's a girl. 

Got a shock when she replied me. Wah my dream is true! Although not so accurate on the details but it was true! How coincidental can it be? 

Mr Pen

Since Little Baby's second week after birth, we've been noting down all her feed times and poo moments, and all her medication times when she's sick. Now that she started on some solids, we're noting those down too and monitoring her intake.

This morning, Mr Pen's ink ran out....

Thank you Mr Pen..

You came from an opulent hotel (Four Seadons if I remember correctly) to our humble abode and you've served us well for almost 7.5months. 

29th May 2014

Yesterday was Granny's 49th day of passing. 

Nothing strange happened. Not did I see any moth. 

I hope she's moved on to Heaven smoothly. 

morning rambles

The boss' ficklemindedness is causing me anguish, anger and frustration.

One day he says this. The next day he says that.

If he changes his mind, and acknowledges it's his indecision, I'm fine.

But for this recent incident, he changed his mind and blamed me for making the initial decision. Like WTF? I reminded him that it was he who made the decision in the initial place and it was agreed during the team meeting where everyone was present.

And what's worse was that I've already communicated the initial decision to the external party. Now I have to backtrack and tell them errrr....actually cannot.

My reputation is affected. It's like as if I can't do my job properly.

ARGH.

Phew...

Feeling thankful and grateful.

The skies were very overcast and I was still on the bus on the way to work. I decided to take a gamble and wing it instead of stopping at an MRT station along the way and switching to the train.

The clouds held it in and the moment I reached the building and stepped under shelter, they let loose and the rains poured down.

Moth

A small black moth appeared on Friday at our area of the house and had stayed on. It was always on the high walls or near the ceiling. 

When I woke from the dream last night and went to tend to Little Baby because she was crying, the moth was just outside my bedroom. On an adjacent wall and at eye-level instead. 

This morning, when going down the stairs, I found it lying upturned on its wings. It must have died sometime between 3am and 730am....:(

Dreamt of granny

The dream started off nice.

It was our open house, a house-warming of sorts. I saw her approaching from a distance. She seemed spritely, cheery and healthy. A small smile lit her face and she had a twinkle in her eyes. She was wearing her gold-rimmed glasses. Her hair was short and neat and permed in those little curls she favoured.

She was flanked by two other ladies, one was my grand-aunt Ipoh (granny's younger sister) and the other I've forgotten who, though in the dream I seemed to know who she was. They supported her from each side, but it was a cursory gesture for she seemed strong enough to stand and walk on her own. 

I started towards them. And that was when the dream changed course. 

As I approached them the surroundings blurred increasingly. Noises faded out and suddenly the two ladies by her side were no more. It was just herself and me. 

She had become skin and bones, weak and fragile. Her knobby knees buckled under her weight and I found myself carrying her. She leaned in heavily on me, her head lolled on my chest and she felt heavy in my arms despite being only skin and bones. Her eyes had become dull. 

And then for some strange reason, I was on a road suddenly. Darkness all around. When I turned to my left there was a sudden appearance of bright lights, I winced. It turned out to be the headlights of a white van. 

I sidestepped and the van swerved as well. We narrowly missed each other. I remember thanking god for protecting granny and myself. 

The dream ended there though because Little Baby's cry suddenly pierced through the baby monitor receiver. It was 2:30am when I checked the clock.

I remember waking up feeling sad. I wonder what the rest of the dream would have been like had I not been awoken. 

Taking that first step

There, I did it. 

I've been wanting to say hi to someone whom I've seen for the longest time at my bus-stop. I see her pretty often and over time I've come to realise that she's our neighbour, 2 doors away. Through conversations with my MIL, I think she realised that I'm actually related to my MIL and hence am her neighbour too. She mentioned to my MIL that she found it awkward and didn't know how to introduce herself to me.

So it was a case of we know who each other is but each found it awkward to say hi to the other. 

Finally gathered my courage today when I saw her and went up to her and introduced myself. 

Took me awhile but I'm glad I did it. 

When I was 18 and fresh in uni, I used to be able to do this with ease and was a relatively social person. That was how I got to know many people in my hostel. But over time, and especially after I joined this organization, I found it increasingly difficult. Not quite sure why through. Maybe I'm getting older? 

Glad I found a part of myself today. 

And so we sleep...

Was supposed to head out and run errands but the little girl decided to sleep right in the middle of her toys. And so.....we sleep.

Spot the Baby

Feeling sad

Broke down just now.

We chanced upon a Catholic bookshop along Katong and I dropped in to get a gift for Adrian and family. They were baptized more than a month ago and I'd yet to get a gift for them.

Being in the shop brought back some memories of my Granny but I managed to keep my composure. 

Right until the point when they started playing "Amazing Grace" over the sound system. 

The same song that was played when we marched behind her hearse as it drove away from the Singapore Casket House. 

The guy manning the cashier point must have felt awkward. I was tearing up as I paid for my item and was biting my lips. My brows were scrunched up and I think my face was somewhat contorted from the effort of stopping myself from crying in the store.

Completely let it go only when I stepped out of the shop. 

Sigh. This coming Thursday will be the 49th day after her passing. 

9th visit (I think)

又病了. :((

I think this is the 9th time I've been to the doc this year.

Fever and throat infection. 

Docs these days usually don't prescribe antibiotics that easily so I was taken by surprise when the doc looked at my throat and said immediately: "Oh this one must take antibiotics. Swollen already. Infected. Must take." 

Shell ah Shell...你要加油啊! 

要照顾好自己不然怎么照顾小baby呢?

Emma Lim

Little baby Emma was born to Eric & Desiree last night at 11:25pm, weighing in at 2.9kg and measuring 50cm long.

Feeling really happy for them. :)

I can tell Eric's pretty excited as well. Haha, he mass-whatsapped 50 of his friends to make the announcement at midnight yesterday.

Congratulations to them both!

cheerios

I took a cab and swung by to pick up K yesterday afternoon. Before reaching K's office, I'd engaged in conversation with the cab uncle. It was just mundane friendly small talk.

When K got on, I spoke to K instead. We soon reached our destination and I bid the uncle a friendly goodbye and wished him that his two kids would grow up well and obedient. 

K asked how come I was so friendly to that uncle.

I don't know really. I am friendly to all cab uncles unless I feel they have done something wrong.
I open myself up to people who open themselves up to others. If I can be friendly and make someone comfortable, why not? Every smile you receive makes you feel happier too right? :)

Every little bit counts. A small positive gesture can create bigger positive ripples.
So for every smile that you receive, pass it on. It'll make the world a nicer place.

人间有爱

While the online world seems to be increasingly filled with vitriol and complaints and general dissatisfaction with various issues, little random acts of kindness and courtesy that I witness each day in real life give me hope and the assurance that there is still much good in this society.

I was on the bus on the way to work yesterday when a man in his 50s or 60s sitting directly in front of me started coughing badly.

I contemplated offering him my Stepsils lozenges but was slightly embarassed and didn't know how to go about it especially since I was behind him.

A lady in her 50s two seats to his right then got up and offered him some mint sweets, which he politely declined.

I was not the recipient but still, I truly appreciated her act of kindness.

Orange

The sky took on a brilliant orange hue this evening during sunset. 

Everything was swathed in an orange tinge...it was almost surreal. 

A pity my camera could only capture this. Doesn't do the sky justice....

hmm....

I saw this on TV and found it quite interesting and meaningful.

山不转， 那就路转
路不转， 那就人转
人不转，那就心转
凡事都有出路

To me, this means the need to be flexible and accomodating in going about our lives. And also, life always works itself out...somehow...

Silent prayers

Just met Selin's husband, G, earlier on during lunch. G had come by my office area to attend a briefing.

Heard a piece of sad news. They had just come back from New Zealand, from visiting his sister who was in hospital there. She had gotten into a car accident while on holiday there.

Unfortunately, she was very badly injured. Her lower spine was crushed and the prognosis is not good. She will likely be paralysed from the waist down. She's been in hospital for almost a month already and will still be there for another 2 to 3 months. Her mother is now staying there with her and looking after her.

It will be a tough time for G's sister. I hope she stays strong. I heard she is an outgoing person and is now in a rather depressed mood. I don't know her personally but I sincerely hope she gets her spirits up again soon. It helps in the recovery and healing process.

Life has its way of working things out. I hope she regains her mental, emotional and physical strength in the days or months to come.

I will keep her in my prayers.

Note to self: Cherish all that you have now...and don't take anything or anybody for granted.

tuesday morning nagging

Sigh. there are 3 main policy documents each having 30-odd pages and in total more than 100 pages.
"You are supposed to know everything at your fingertips you know!!!"

You are the boss, you do it first lor. If you can manage to do it then I salulte you and I will admit I am seriously lacking.

If you can't do it yourself, then don't expect me to do it.

七早八早语气那么坏，那么重。

我只能跟自己说要学会看开多一点。

And yes, I am disliking policy work more and more. Give me project work and research or operations more please.

Costs

Just spent $1000 buying milk powder, diapers and a playmat for the little girl.

好多钱啊!!! 

*sweat*

-_-" 

Mother's Day

Ah...I received a belated Mother's Day card. Still heartwarming to receive something for my very first Mother's Day.

Her handprints are so cute! 

Am I gushing? Hmm. -_-"

But so cute lah!

The greens

After a long long hiatus of maybe a year, I finally decided to do something about it. I guess looking at whatever was left of my bedraggled plants spurred me. I dug out my old gardening stuff from a corner of the cupboard and I got K to bring me to the nearest nursery along Bedok South Road.

I had chanced upon a glass bowl in Daiso last year and grabbed it first, not knowing when I would have the opportunity to do up another terrarium. So now a year later and after a 2-hr effort...here's the finished product. 

My greatest achievement to date in my terrarium experiments. :) 

I chose to do an asymmetrical one. And it's my first time ever using 4 different varieties in a single space. Introducing them, clockwise from the top: white ficus sunny, white-veined fittonia, pink-tinged fittonia and Christmas moss as the ground over. 

Am thinking of whether to add a top layer of stones but I'll hold on for awhile. Let it all settle down first then see how. 

I've seen smaller and much simpler creations selling for $30. I think this one might have a retail price tag of up to $60 or more? I did a quick calculation and estimated my cost to be about $28. And that's because I didn't get my things at wholesale price. Imagine how much those flower shops are earning....

I've never taken care of moss and ficus sunny before. I hope this pot does well and survives! 

Meanwhile it's sitting prettily on our desk at home. :) 

Credits: big thanks to K for looking after the little girl on his own while I took "time off" to indulge myself in this long-forgotten hobby ;p 

Mama - day 32

Today is the 32nd day since Mama's passing.

How are you Mama?

I hope you're doing fine wherever you are. I hope you're with Ipoh and Tuanku and your parents and grandpa happily playing mahjong or congkak or cher-kee or pak-gow.

I hope you're getting good Peranakan food there too. It's been many years since you could eat a good proper meal of buah keluak, nasi kunyet, telur gragoh, babi pongteh, pong tau hu, bubor cha cha, chap chye, itek giam chye teng, ikan assam, sayur lemak, sambal udang, etc.

I hope you're putting on weight, and back to your chubby self all those years ago...

I hope you have enough to live on, to wear, to use...

I hope you're sleeping well.

I hope you're happy....

I hope...

I hope...

gardening...the lack of...

I have not done much gardening since last year.

My mint is growing and growing and growing non-stop in the garden so that's fine. I'll probably be bringing one or two pots with me when we shift house in Q3 this year.

My basil died. Not sure if it was from lack of care or too much sun....

My gloxinia just died too. This was after I did a hurried re-potting because it was getting too scraggly and growing out onto my desk at home....sigh, maybe I shouldn't have re-potted it...should have left it alone.

And I've been wanting to prune my one and only open terrarium left with me. It is getting seriously overgrown and badly needs a refilling of soil. And I've been wanting to make a smaller closed terrarium. And I've also been wanting to create another bigger open terrarium from the fish-bowl like container I bought like a year ago....

And oh yes, I have not gotten the small pot of ______ (damn I forgot the name of that plant!! this is what lack of sleep does to you) from my mum's place....

Argh, time, where are you??!...

work

Am wondering how long I can endure my boss’ mood swings.

What do I really want? For a job? Honestly, right now, I don’t know.

I was pretty satisfied with my job from the start till about 6 years in. Sure, I’d have gripes about stuff but I didn’t feel “xian” about work.

After having Little Baby, things changed. And I don’t feel right in this job anymore. Going to work everyday is beginning to feel like a drag.

I wish to stay on in the parent organization, but don’t know which team to transfer to. If I leave the organisation entirely, it feels like a waste since I’ve built up 6 and a half years’ worth of credential here already. 

What to do about this...hmm....