Granny

Gran was perfectly fine and doing well 2 weekends ago but she wasn’t doing too good during the last week. Her mind went off the radar again on Thursday afternoon. Come to think of it, it has actually been quite a long time since she had such an “episode”.

She was crying, screaming and shouting at the nursing home and demanded to be allowed to go home and see her father and mother (who have erm…been dead for at least 60 years or more). She was cursing at the nursing home attendants. She was in anguish, she was crying and she was sad. The staff there didn’t know what to do with her. They had to restrain her and tie her to the bed.

I feel sad just thinking about it. The fear, desperation and despair she must have felt. Her mind was not lucid.

The staff had to call my Dad who in turn had to rush down to the nursing home in a cab. The moment she saw him, she clung to him and kept calling him “Father”. Sigh. He managed to calm her down after 1.5hours of talking, cajoling and convincing. By the time he left, she was “back to reality” and knew who he was, and she could sort of identify her grandchildren and great-grandchild in photos as well.

On the Saturday just past, just like any other Saturday, I went to visit her. She was tied up again. Tied to her mattress with a piece of white string and a cotton band around her tummy.

Sigh. It really is quite a low feeling to see your grandparent in such a helpless situation. On the one hand I understand that they need to do it when she is unstable just in case she gets off the bed and hurts herself or others. On the other hand, I also wish for her to be granted more dignity. But I guess, at this point in time, safety and stability is still top priority.

Whatever it is, I’m happy and thankful that she can still recognise me and remember my name. Ultimately, my longtime wish is for her to be present at my wedding dinner……

Dunno why I always tear when talking about Gran. Now it’s just typing only and my floodgates are open. Argh.

Boo

Year-end blues? Fuse is short, patience is thin, irritability levels are high, tiredness is high.
Maybe the heart should be more open and generous?

Not concentrating well. Things on my mind.

No proper work done since morning.

Wines and Good Spirits (no pun intended)

I had wine at last night's gathering. More than usual because I didn't really bother about whether my stomach would "spoil" the next day. Plus, I had brought along my favourite Riesling wine as well. :)

Had 2 glasses of a very good 2002 American Spicy red, 2 of the Australian Riesling I brought, and 1 white Italian Stoave.

Coupled with camembert, cheddar, rocamadour cheese and good company.
It was really an enjoyable night with the Frenchies. :)

Looking forward to the CNY gathering with them!!

Pets?

I've liked dogs since young. I remember having borrowed tons of books on dog care, dog breeds, dog training, etc from the library. The first few times my Dad would ask me why I borrowed such books but he gave up asking after a while because it happened too often haha.

I also went through a phase where I had 20 imaginary pet dogs.

All the while, I told myself that I'd keep a pet dog of my own if and when I finally get a place of my own.

But I feel slightly differently these days. I am a little unsure now whether or not I would get myself a pet dog, or cat.

It takes commitment. Alot of it. And when the pet falls ill or dies, the amount of sadness I'd feel would be hugely unsettling. I know myself. I'd probably cry myself to bits.

And guess what triggered this?

The demise of Mr Orange, my pet hermit crab.

Strange but true.

A Petty Post

Sometimes, we take others for granted. Sometimes, we overlook things. Sometimes, we assume things wrongly. Sometimes, such little things get to you. Though you try to let it slide, it creeps back into your thoughts.

I had two presents for A. I'd passed A the first present. B, who was around, bypassed me, went straight to A and helped A open the present. B also took out the present and had "fun" with A, with the gift that I'd gotten for A. I felt excluded. What could I do except let it slide?

Part 2 of the present was given to A later on. And the same thing happened. But there was nothing much I could do as well.

I feel upset at having been sidelined. This might seem trivial, petty and incomprehensible. Maybe I don't have an open heart. Somehow I do feel upset about it. I guess nobody likes to be sidelined and I do hope this does not happen in the future.....

30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself

This is an article reproduced. Original source is from the following URL -->
http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/12/11/30-things-to-stop-doing-to-yourself/


I think this article is an awesome awesome read. It's one of those articles which everyone can relate to. And which talks about things which I believe everyone is experiencing and is guilty of doing, whether consciously or sub-consciously.

I think, out of the 30 things listed, I am guilty of at least 75% of them...

========================

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” Nothing could be closer to the truth. But before you can begin this process of transformation you have to stop doing the things that have been holding you back.

Here are some ideas to get you started:

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends
2. Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on. No, it won’t be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems. That’s not how we’re made. In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.
3. Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself. Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves. Read The Road Less Traveled.
4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. Yes, help others; but help yourself too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.
5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else. Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you. Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.
6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.
7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success. You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.
8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future. Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive. But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.
10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either. You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else. Read Stumbling on Happiness.
11. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place. Evaluate situations and take decisive action. You cannot change what you refuse to confront. Making progress involves risk. Period! You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.
12. Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.
13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely. It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company. There’s no need to rush. If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.
14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you. But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.
15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others doing better than you. Concentrate on beating your own records every day. Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.
16. Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own. Ask yourself this: “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”
17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you. You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough. But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past. You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation. So smile! Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.
18. Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself! And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too. If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.
19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway. Just do what you know in your heart is right.
21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.
22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things. The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.
23. Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done. Read Getting Things Done.
24. Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile. Don’t take the easy way out. Do something extraordinary.
25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while. You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well. You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.
26. Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life. When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.
27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out. But making one person smile CAN change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world. So narrow your focus.
28. Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy. One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time? Three years? Five years?” If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.
29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen. Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story. If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.
30. Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life. Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs. Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

Transport

See lah. Backside itchy lah
Bring so many people into Singapore lah
Put big big stress on transport system
Then now MRT train always break down

Aiyo. Why like that?

Gahmen say must use public transport more
Because cheap, convenient and environmentally friendly
But then train always got so many people
Stand shoulder to shoulder
Cannot find seat and got weird people talk loudly

Aiyo. Why like that?

And then so co-in....so co-in-si-dense?
And then so "qiao"
Last week taxi up the fare
This week trains kaput twice
Force people to take taxi
Taxi uncles must be super happy, especially tonight

Aiyo. Why like that?

Some say
Cannot take train so take bus lor
But then bus also risky
Bus company hired lot of foreign drivers
What if they get lost then how?
Like the driver who brought his passengers
On a 2-hour journey around SG that day

Aiyo.
Really, why like that ah...?

=========
I'm just glad I was not on the Circle Line when it broke down yesterday. And I'm mighty glad I was not on the North South line today when it broke down too.

I saw a friend post pictures of his mini "adventure". He was on the train from City Hall to Dhoby Ghaut when the train stalled. He was stuck in it for quite awhile before SMRT staff came to lead them out. I think they had to walk through the underground tunnel to get back to one of the stations safely.

Defnitely an adventure I don't want to experience.

Koyok

I was rather touched yesterday when a colleague passed me a packet of pain relief patches otherwise known as "koyok" in hokkien. He knew that I'd been having problems with my aching neck and shoulders.

It was after 6pm, he'd just finished a meeting and he came over to see if I was still around so that he could pass me the patches. I happened to still be around. Heh.

Thank you DaGe TY!

Err, though I have never ever used a koyok before and am not quite sure how to use it, I still appreciate the gesture very much!

Sidenote:
TY's a father of two little girls, one aged 3+ and the other aged 1+ I think. A bunch of us used to call him DaGe. Unfortunately, only myself and another guy are still in the company, the rest have left. But anyway, we called him DaGe (Big Brother in Mandarin) because he was one of those who was friendly to everyone and would help us "young ones" out if we had a problem.

敢敢来

To what level should we be risk-averse and cover our asses during work?

When things are dynamic, there sometimes comes a situation which calls for flexibility and a certain amount of courage for a split-second’s decision to say “GO”.

I did that this morning. I didn’t ask for my boss’ clearance nor did I consult anyone. It wasn’t a life and death issue, just some small measure of risk. I made a quick assessment. I thought it was alright. I went ahead.

And then I get picked on by a senior manager. He didn’t make a big fuss or anything lah. But said it was risky and should not be done at all in case we get complaints.

Sigh.

Scared to do this, scared to do that. Then don’t do anything at all lor. -_-"

Control

My temper has always been a bane. As is my lack of patience at times.

I lost it and snapped at a colleague this morning. My admin lady. Someone who has tried my patience many a time with her loudness, her always jumping to conclusions, her loud cackling laughter, her not knowing when to stop, her hypocrisy, her loud yawns in office......

She said I was fierce and I apologised immediately.

She's been a good help here and there. But I know there will be a time when her ways get to me again. I hope I will be able to keep my cool when it happens.

Now I know why I am retreating further into my corner at work. My patience is wearing thin for alot of things here. Sometimes a usually meek lamb can morph into a fierce tiger.

Not a good start to the morning.

Ewww. Mould.

Tiring day. :(

A few week ago, my wardrobe was hit by mould. I don't know why but patches of mould started appearing on the interior walls of my wardrobe and along some edges of the shelves. Quite gross.

Sigh, I spent a good 3hours plus today clearing out everything from my wardrobe and wiping my whole wardrobe down with diluted dettol. Had to air it out after that and then dump everything back in. But some of the clothes which I've not worn for a long time were hit by mould too. Had to disinfect them and then throw them in the washing machine. Argh...

Good thing was that I managed to throw out some old clothes and things in the process. One whole big bag of them actually lol...

All I wanna do now is have dinner and then crash into bed...

Oh wait, cannot. I haven't bathe yet. Argh!!

jog-a-walk, walk-a jog??

I did a 2.3 tonight. Yes, only that distance. Compared to what I was doing last time, 3.5 or 4 twice a week, I think I have a lot of catching up to do.

This is what slacking off does to you.

After my 1 night hospital stay last month, I tried getting back into a regular routine of jogging. Lungs and feet were still in sleep mode though and I couldn't even run 1km without stopping. Today's the best effort thus far.

Nevermind.
JIAYOU MICHELLE!
Slowly but surely you'll be hitting 3.5 or 4 again!

Empress Dowager

I think the older my mum gets, the more paranoid she becomes.

I cleared out the crab tank earlier tonight and was washing it clean in the toilet. She came over to tell me to use Dettol to make sure all bacteria is KILLED. Specifically told me to clean every corner of the tank properly. Hmm, I don't recall her asking me to use Dettol when I was cleaning hamster cages last time when some of my hamsters died.

Either my observation is true, or she simply hated the crabs lol.

Mr Orange

I woke on Tuesday morning to discover that during the night before, Mr Orange had dropped his main claw. I found it next to him, partially buried in the gravel.

It is serious business when a hermit crab drops his main claw because they use their main claw to act as the "door" to seal shut the entrance to their shell when they retreat into it. And it is also serious business when a crab drops so many of its limbs within a span of a few hours. It usually means the crab is dying.

I took his shell out and checked on him. It felt really weird seeing him with both claws and one of his legs missing. He wasn't moving and didn't respond as well when I tried to agitate him by blowing on him.

Sigh. I couldn't do much except put his shell (with him in it of course) and main claw into a small plastic bag and disposed the bag.

RIP Mr Orange.

You were the active vibrant one with your orange coloured limbs, always climbing here and there and especially up the netting I set up at the back of the tank for you. You liked having cornflakes and you enjoyed your baths. When Mr Grey passed on 2 months back, I had a feeling you were kind of lonely in the tank. Hope you didn't suffer too much when you passed on...May you have lots of cornflakes in wherever hermit crabs go to when they pass on...(hmm, crabby heaven?).

Breathe

Things are falling off my plate and my staff is chasing me for things.

My hermit crab, Mr Orange, has died on me.

My skin is erupting and I'm getting small spots of hives above my lips.

Small bout of diarrhoea on and off.

I don't know how to do some of my work.

I need to clear the bloody crab tank when I get home at night.

Vision in my right eye is blurry cos of the friggin toric lens.

My boss is SMS-ing me with looooooong SMSes to discuss work. WTH.

My neck & shoulder has started to ache a little again.

Office desk is a mess. I have a whole stack of 100 namecards which has not been sorted.

Stomach feels bloated.

Argh.

The King

K is back in Nice right now and should be in the midst of his thesis presentation right now or maybe his session is just done. I don't know and I don't dare to SMS him too lest the presentation is still on-going.

All the best baby!

======
Sidenote:
Not sure whether to get him to buy any bags from there. I'm half-hearted to part with the money and not too sure what type of design I want too...Hmm. *ponders*

damp, dowdy, low

It has been a period of self-bashing and generally feeling a little low.

I don't know if it's because my self-belief and confidence have taken a sudden steep dip, or the rains have put a damper on me, or that November and December are usually sentimental, nostalgic and emo months for me.

At work, I'm frowning alot more than usual, I'm fiercer and less patient with the two support staff, I'm feeling more stupid, I'm very much less motivated, I'm keeping to myself more, my irritability fuse is much shorter, I'm more detached and I'm just generally "xian".

Out of work I'm better but the self-doubt and "xian-ness" still lingers around.

I'd feel upset over the slightest thing too.

Am I menopausing??? Or am I just ovulating and the hormones are in a frenzy and wreaking havoc on me?

But hmm..it's been 2-3 weeks already?

Hang in there Mr Orange

Mr Orange isn't doing too good. He's been sluggish for the past week and hasn't been eating or drinking much.

He dropped 2 limbs today and that is definitely not a good sign. One of the limbs he dropped was his minor claw.

Either he's sick, or he's super stressed out, or he's got a disease or he's having problems moulting properly or the tank has got mites.

Other reasons include a bad living environment. But I've been doing the same thing since July so I hope I can rule out this possibility.

I read online that I should be placing him in an isolation tank for him to calm down and for me to assess the situation and to identify a possible reason. But the thing is that I don't have an extra tank, so how to isolate him from the current tank?

Sigh. I can only leave him be for now. And continue monitoring him.

My mum is nagging again. She's saying things like "Why don't you just throw it away? It's probably rotting away already" and "Can you please don't buy any of these things anymore?" and "I hope there's no germs coming from the crab. I hope the germs are not airborne".....

mega sigh.

OUCH --> AHHH

I had a much needed neck, shoulder and back massage earlier tonight.

7 months of not visiting my masseuse had led to me developing a bad tension strain running from the right side of my neck to my shoulder area. And this morning I woke with an ache down the left side of the spine.

I sheepishly went to see her after work today and she nagged at me for not going to her regularly enough.

Nagging aside, I'm mighty glad for her "iron fingers" for she ironed out some of the kinks in my back and shoulder muscles. There are still more knots to be undone in the tendons and muscles but I'll leave those to another session. 45mins of rubbing, kneading, pressing, pulling and poking is just about that much pain I can endure.

Yes, call me weak. Lol.

But I promised her I'll be back soon. For her to get my back into better shape and for her to get rid of the other knots in my back.

I walked home with a spring in my step after the session. Though painful, the massage was strangely invigorating. She said she applied pressure on my pressure points and acupoints to "release" the unwanted qi. I really felt lighter and like as if a burden had been lifted from my back.

I hope I sleep better tonight. :)

Encouragement

My colleague is so sweet. She sent me an email after I told her I was feeling xian at work.

==========
Sweetie,

Don't let life's opportunities slip through your fingers,
there are so many challenges you can find,
there are so many goals worth fighting for,
one of the best is PEACE OF MIND

LIFE COULD BE WORSE, SO TAKE THE SPILL WITH A THRILL & A SMILE

May the future ahead of you be brighter. Take care & stay healthy.