The girls came home yesterday evening and were getting ready for their shower. Both started singing.
Alyssa: ~I love it when you call me senorita! Na na na na...It's true la-la-la..!!~
Nadya: ~They say ...na na na...I see the way you shine!...na na na...dance for me dance for me dance for me oh oh oh....move for me move for me move for me eh eh eh-eh!~
When I was 6 or 8, I think the songs in my head were mainly Tom Jones or Engelbert Humperdinck or at the most Michael Jackson or whatever oldies were playing on the radio at that point in time...
Now my kids are singing "Senorita" by Shawn Mendes & Camila Cabello, and "Dance Monkey" by Tones & I.
Lol...
I miss their chubbiness. Their chubby faces, chubby arms and legs, chubby fingers, chubby backsides, chubby everything!
I miss the times when I can easily carry them from room to room or from place to place. When they were so small they could fit into the nook of my arms or rest comfortably on my tummy.
I miss the times Nadya would fall asleep on my chest and tummy for her weekend afternoon naps.
I miss the days when I still had to put them into a high chair to they could eat comfortably at a dining table.
I miss the days when the blankets covered them easily from neck to toe.
I miss the days when a simple trip downstairs or to the playground would be enough to keep them occupied and be happy.
I miss the days when both of them would knock out in the afternoons for their nap.
I miss the tiny pattering of feet around the house.
I'm holding thin hands and fingers and hugging thin frames now.
I can only barely carry Alyssa now and trying to carry Nadya is out of the question.
Only Alyssa sometimes wants to lie on my thigh for awhile now, just before she goes to sleep for the night.
Both girls are in their own chairs now and wielding their own forks and spoons. Nadya uses her chopsticks pretty well now too.
While Nadya still uses the same blankets she's been using since she was a baby, they barely cover her now and her feet always stick out lol. She refuses to stop using them.
Books, chats, craft sessions, and more are needed to keep them occupied now.
Only Alyssa still naps now but that'll be a thing of the past when she goes into P1 next year and starts getting used to the primary school + student care routines.
I only hear loud shrieks and loud (heavier steps) around the house now haha...
But yes, while I miss those days when they were still young and oh so cute...But I do treasure the times now too...for who knows...they may not even want to hang out with their parents in a couple of years from now...
You grew up in a certain way. You were brought up in a certain way.
Some of these certain ways did not leave positive marks on your life and on yourself.
You tell yourself not to do it when you become a parent yourself.
You try and you remind yourself.
But sometimes, certain things are so ingrained in you.
You don't even realise you're doing it until you've done it.
You get discouraged and feel guilty. You wonder if you're any good at this parenting stuff.
You try again. You fall again. You try again.
And sometimes you fall again. Self-doubt creeps in as well.
Just.
Keep going.
Bossa Nova jazz accompanies me at work on this cold cold morning.
Streaming it from a 24/7 Youtube channel called "Cafe Music BGM channel". Been listening to their channel for 2 weeks now. Pretty good.
And...it's Youth Day today! A small part of me still feels young and impressionable. So.....I can still celebrate it right? ;p And this will include snacking on Frosties this afternoon ;p
Will try to start doing arm dips?...K (and online sources) said they're good for all 3 parts of the triceps...
Lapsed on the squats so I should get those going again too...lol...
Learning Korean online is going pretty well. A little slow-going at times, especially when work and kids take up alot of time, but I think I'm doing good enough. I can read and write some basic words and I think I can write simple words based on how they sound phonetically too. Will keep going on this!
Jiayou to me for today will be a day dedicated to planning, policy review and some policy research work. Oh, and maybe some workplanning & target setting work as well.
Fighting!
coming soon or probably already here...
my acid reflux and gastric issue...
signs to know it's here....sensitive throat, on and off coughing when throats gets irritated, tight throat sometimes that makes swallowing more challenging and I need to be more careful, upper arms on and off aching, sometimes feels like there's a lump in my throat, one ulcer starting up in my mouth, tight upper gut with some cramping up last night, general lethargy (couldn't get out of bed these 2 mornings)...
ok...I've been eating more frivolously in the last 1-2 months...and I wolfed down my lunch on Sunday in less than 10mins....
It's about time my stomach acts up...I can just about guess the cycle already...
Time to self-manage and control my meals more again...
Only thing is...I've ordered in advance Mac for lunch today lol...Ok it's gonna be my last indulgent meal....before a week or 2 of more light eating...
Took me awhile but I recently found this Korean-Chinese Youtuber, who's been around for at least 4 years I think.
Content's a little duh at times but overall good and happy vibes. Sincere and didn't look too forced, at least for some of the videos I've watched.
Unique mix of both Chinese & Korean speech and culture. I found that interesting.
Saw this on IG:
Had half a yew chak kueh late yesterday morning. And a packet of cold ribena during lunch.
And had a slight scratchy throat by the time afternoon came...
zzzz....throat's pretty sensitive these days...
***Cue James Bond music***
Been awhile since I had a weird-ass drama dream haha.
It had funkiness, familiarity, nostalgia, jealousy, heart flutterings, disdain, and a whole load of other emotions all meshed together.
And so......
***Cue some more James Bond music***
K and I were spies. Specifically, spies in a secondary school. As secondary school students. At our current age. (I know right...*roll eyes*)
But I don't know what we were supposed to be spying about, who we were spying for, and who we were spying on! Lol...this premise wasn't "stated" in the dream haha...
Anyway, there was a girl student older than the usual age of Sec 3 or Sec 4 students cos she was a transfer student from overseas. She had quite a blatant crush on K as she found him alot more mature compared to the other Sec 3 & 4 guys. (I mean of cos lah, he's a 40-yr-old acting as a 16-yr-old). She followed him around and tried to have her recess meals with him. K tried to "fend off" this girl by hanging out with me instead lol.
And for me, I had a fresh graduate Math teacher who was somehow enamoured with me and tried to get close to me. He too found he could relate to me as I was alot more mature compared to other students. I don't remember how he looked like in the dream, but I think he wore glasses. I remember telling him to stay away from me and not get too close, and I almost blurted out that I was already married but bit my tongue and held back.....cos well...spy mah, cannot reveal real identity LOL.
The dream cut to a scene where we were all hanging out at the school canteen after school. For some absolutely strange reason, the rest of my secondary school friends ended up there as well. And ALL OF US were undercover i.e. 40-yr-olds masquerading as secondary school kids.
I saw Parwin and Peiqi sitting next to us and having their meals. We were all talking and chatting while having our meals. Ally was buying her food and bringing her tray over to sit with us. I don't remember who else was there specifically. It was a blur of faces around K and I and I had the impression Eugene and TH were floating around somewhere too. I remember thinking to myself "Wah, this spy project is growing to such a big scale that they (the spy organisation and folks behind all this) had to rope in my friends as well??!!"
I don't know which school we were in exactly. The guys were all in white shirts and long pants. Us girls looked like we were in KC uniforms (looks like Tao Nan's uniform too lol) but how could we have been in a co-ed secondary school if we were in KC? Lol....I heard someone mention Chung Cheng in the dream and also Dunman High but the uniforms look nothing like those schools.
Anyway.......
While we were hanging out at the canteen, the girl who had a crush on K was still in the background trying to join us at the long table and sit next to him. I gave her dagger eyes, not that she cared haha. The rest of us "complained" that we all flunked our tests...(cos who the hell at age 40 remembers their secondary school syllabus? haha.....)
And then....
My alarm rang....
And the dream ended abruptly so I never knew what happened to that teacher who had a crush on me, or what we were spying on or who paid us lol.....
SO amusing and fun hahaha. :D
Dealing with 2 staff that needs alot of hand-holding zaps energy and patience out of my workday sometimes.
Glad that I have a manager in between them and myself to weed out more nonsense stuff. But somestimes things like HR and interpersonal matters, and more complex operational issues still come to me.
Reminder to myself to take deep breaths and not let these 2 staff affect me and my thoughts too much.
Age, EQ and level of competence are some things I cannot control and I just have to learn how to accept things, and with various pinches of salt as well.
I have various spurts of optimism and try to guide and teach and hope they improve. I don't know if I'm setting myself up for disappointment because the higher the hope and expectation, the more disappointment and frustration there will be. Sometimes I still try, and then I find banging against the wall, and I get pek chek, and....the cycle repeats.
Maybe one day I will really give up. I don't know...Just cos someone's 50+ yrs old doesn't mean they can't learn and better themselves right?
1st jab done on 9 June.
Took alot of energy out of me trying to manage my fears and worries. Still taking some energy out of me but I will manage myself and I will get over it. Because I can.
Yes I can.
Jason Mraz accompanies me for work today. Specifically his Live showcase @ EBS in 2014 in Korea.
I used to be enamoured with him. And managed to see him live back in 2012 when he came by to perform at Gardens by the Bay. Somehow got to listening to him again recently.
Adrian texted me this morning at 745am. Rare for him to text me, even rarer for him to text me so early in the morning.
He wanted to tell me he's trying to get Dad to get hearing aids. Apparently Dad's hearing is getting quite bad, especially his right ear. Told Adrian that I hope Dad won't be as stubborn as how Granny was back on those days. I remember it took my Dad & Aunt YEARS to nag at her before she relented, and also because she couldn't hear the TV anymore.
Told Adrian to get Mum to speak to Dad as well. It's funny because Adrian shared that Mum can't talk to Dad much. Either he cannot hear her properly and misinterprets what she's saying and they both start arguing, or either one loses patience with the other and they end up arguing again. Whatever it is, they both end end up arguing lol.
I'll see what I can do...told Adrian I'll try to do some research on my end as well...on cost, types of aids available, brands and providers around...
As we watch our kids grow bigger, we ourselves grow older day by day...and our parents get older and older too...Such issues are coming up slowly...I'll need to learn how to adapt and handle them too..."parenting" the parents is one of them...
The weather is @#$@$&%^*#$W^%$.
Sibei hot.
I toss and turn at night cos of the heat and humidity. Back of my neck and my back gets sticky and it makes me uncomfy. Turning on the aircon makes my nose get stuffed. The fan helps a little but I still get sticky....
So....suck thumb....
Bah..!!
I hope it rains today!!
Can feel myself backsliding a little.
Had a small episode where I freaked out at the possibility of a loud noise happening. It's been a year since something like this happened.
Reminder to self to take things in stride, take things easier and self-manage more.
记得，要拿得起放的下，看开多一点，放开多一点。
Trying your best is ok. Just don't try your best till you neglect yourself and your own well-being.
K reminded me too that it's a good sign that my "freaking out" happened after a long interval of a year, compared to the previous time when the interval was maybe in terms of months. True that.
Realised HBL escalated and sped up the stress. Especially when juggling work.
Thankful that HBL's just till the end of this week.
Breathe.
You can do this.
Yes, you can!
What a coincidence. Previous post is also titled "Memories".
Today's post is about the song "Memories" by Maroon 5. Lovely catch tune. Lovely vocals from Adam Levine yet again. And I love the lyrics too.
Spent an hour plus going through and re-packing a box I brought back from the old Tampines flat.
It was labelled "Memories" and held many things inside, mostly letters and cards I'd received since I was in P4 and 5 onwards, some autograph books, some diaries and some stuff I'd made (with my Granny's help) for my Sec 1 & Sec 2 Home Econs hand-sewing projects. I think there were 2 or 3 secondary school magazines as well, because they featured interviews with me and Ally. Lol, we were the 2 with the highest number of distinctions in our O-levels.
Brought back many memories going through that box. I spent a long long time flipping through a diary as well. Realised I started journalling since I was in P5 or 6...some years it was quite regular and some years I'd only have 2 or 3 entries. I think uni years were busy so I didn't write at all. Plus I remember spending more time online on a forum than journalling. I didn't as well when I started working. And only picked it up again in 2004...till now. Of course, the last 17 years of journalling has been an online thing on this blog.
I think it helps...I'll suggest this to the girls next time when they get older. It'll be fun I think, if they are keen on it. :)
That diary I was looking at today brought back many thoughts and memories. Reading through my own detailed descriptions, I could remember how I'd felt during those times when I was 15, 16, 17, 18, 19...Strangely, most of what I'd written was on teenage angst, BGR, and crushes that sort of thing. Family issues were simple mentions...Didn't realise I had my fair share of "suitors" when I was young...ahem. Hahaha...
I also found a pile of handwritten letters written when I was in P4, P5, P6 and one from when I was in Sec 2. They were letters to God. Most likely written at a time when my Granny was still attempting to get me to pray to God every night before bed. The letters were very short ones. But at least 2 were a little morbid...where I asked God to let me be reincarnated into a rich family next time or be reincarnated as a horse or a well-loved pet dog. (Strange thoughts for a young kid).
I wonder what I would say to the 15-year-old me...or the 18-year-old me...
Alyssa requested to take the train and bus one day and we thought it would be a good idea too since the girls are usually chauffeured around in cars. Only when K goes on reservist once a year or when the car is out for servicing then they'd get the chance to take the bus or taxi.
We scheduled this little trip on Hari Raya morning. Walked down our lorong and took a bus to Paya Lebar Square, had breakfast at Mac and then took the train from Paya Lebar to City Hall. From City Hall, we explored on foot in the hot hot sun and visited the Civilian War Memorial. From there we crossed an underpass to get to Esplanade Park and we saw the Padang, Tan Kim Seng Fountain and the Cenotaph. We stumbled upon a small playground there and let the girls run around abit. I caught my breath there for awhile.
We then turned back and took an underpass that connected to Citylink mall and ended up at Tim Ho Wan for a light lunch. I think it's been a good 10yrs since I've stepped into Citylink. Ever since my workplace shifted from Suntec to Pasir Panjang, I've not really been to that area. It used to be my "playground" lol and I hung around Bugis, City Hall, and Suntec so much. I was in awe of the changes there.
I think the girls had a good time that day....and I am thankful for that.
==========
On a separate note, I am thankful that I did well enough that day. I would have freaked out if I were to do that trip alone. K and the girls were with me and that alone gave me much strength and comfort.
I still had some jitters though. It was pretty manageable when taking the bus, and I was ok till we got to Paya Lebar MRT station. The sudden throngs of people milling around just outside the station and the people walking around within the station did get to me. Slight sensory overload with the noise and chatter and comings and goings. I kept my eyes mostly on the ground and focused on the girls...In my mind was a constant reminder to "Breathe. It's ok. You can do this. Focus on the girls. Breathe. K is with you." It got better on the train and thereafter things were pretty manageable.
It was a good "challenge" for myself that day...both in terms of taking public transport and walking around outside...
