Hmm....

Experiencing some symptoms and behaviour reminiscent of 2 years back. 

Thought I was managing myself alright. 

Ok..breathe! 

Remember....Thoughts --> Feelings --> Behaviour

Therefore, manage the root better....

24 September 2021

Alyssa turned 6!

She had a full day of activities that Friday lol. She wanted to travel by bus and train (since we usually travel by car) and she wanted to catch a movie and eat BK. 

K had a father-daughter date with her. He brought her out and took the bus to Paya Lebar, then switched to the train and went all the way to Nex to catch Boss Baby 2 with her. Lunch was at BK, hung around a little at a pet shop at Nex and then came back home. 

She was too buzzed to take her afternoon nap. Anyway, she's been trying to skip it once in a while these days, saying she's getting bigger already. :) So she and I spent some time in the afternoon doing some craft and conducting an experiment over what items found in my bedroom will float or sink. 

She wanted to eat Sushiro for dinner, so we all trooped down to fetch Nadya from her student care centre and popped by Sushiro. She indulged in all her favourite stuff like unagi sushi, prawn tempura, squid sushi, and crabstick tempura sushi. Nadya took her usual tamago sushi, chawanmushi, crabstick tempura sushi, and some others I cannot remember now haha. 

Got a rich chocolate cake and then went back home to sing her a birthday song, blow candles and have dessert. 

I think Alyssa thoroughly enjoyed herself that day. :) Happy to see her happy. 

Conversations with a 6yr-old and an 8yr-old

24 September 2021. Alyssa's 6th birthday. 
Both girls had an argument in the evening over something (I can't recall by now). 

Nadya came into my room with furrowed brows and asked me: "Mama, Alyssa told me that you said to her you wished you didn't give birth to me. Is this true?"

I was alarmed. Those were harsh hurting words. I said no such thing. And where on earth did the small one hear of such stuff? 

Had to allay Nadya's fears and reassure her first. I then went into their bedroom and spoke to Alyssa but couldn't find out much from her on where she'd picked up those words from. Chided her gently for falsely telling Nadya that I said those things as well. 

And had to reassure both girls that Mama loves them alot and would never say such things to them. 

I hope they're reassured. 

Conversations with an 8yr-old

27 Sept 2021. Monday.
Start of a 2-week HBL period. 

Nadya: Mama! We can eat Dada you know?

Me: Har?? 

N: Ya! Because he is Kueh Dadar! 

N: *guffaws*

-_-''  

Lol...lately she's been dishing out more 冷笑话s. Wonder where she's getting them from. Probably from friends in school or her student care centre....

Of Sumikko Gurashi and Tears....

We have Sunday evenings as mini-movie nights.
Mini because we don't do a full movie but just 30-35mins. So a movie is split over 3-4 Sundays to finish up. 

We recently did the Sumikko Gurashi movie. There was no spoken dialogue and most of the character's thoughts and feelings were captioned on the screen in Japanese words instead. There were English subtitles too. I wondered though, if Nadya could read the subtitles fast enough, and if Alyssa could even understand any of it at all. 

The movie ended on a sad note though, when one of the characters had to stay back in its own alternate universe. It had to be separated from the rest of its friends and could not join them in their world. 

When it came to that ending scene, I heard a whimper from Nadya (who was sitting next to me) and was surprised to see her tearing up and crying mildly. What shocked K & I even more was when Alyssa burst out crying as well and continued bawling for a long time after. 

It was full-fledged crying. Red eyes. Snot. Constant stream of tears. Heaving. Hitching. 

My heart felt so bad for her...She was so saddened by the movie's ending. She had latched on to K and refused to let go so he had to spend quite some time consoling her....

Now I know. They probably take after me when watching shows. I cry at every single shit. Lol....

Walk

It was a beautiful morning. 

The trees stood tall and proud. 

Leaves heavy with dew glistened under the sun's rays. 

Leaves fluttered down from the trees and dotted the pathways. 

The shrubs lining the path connector felt fresh and happy. 

Some plants were in full bloom and the bright flowers added pretty swathes of colours to the scene. 

It was warm and the sun was strong, but the air felt fresh and crisp as well. 

I walked with light steps. 

Refrains from Maroon 5's "Memories" and Jason Mraz's "Live High" played continuously in my mind.

I was glad I got to see a koel up close. My first time ever.

Well, 2m up in a tree but it was still the closest I've ever been to a koel. 

Dark brown feathers speckled with lighter brown spots. 

Its eyes were reddish with a black iris. And they gleamed in the sun. 

I stood there watching for a few minutes before I bid it goodbye and continued with my walk. 

Saw a few puppies today as well. 3 of them. Really cute ones. 

A brown poodle, a black german shepherd looking puppy and a white one that looked like a maltipoo.

They happily smelt each other and interacted briefly before their owners led each of them away.

I wondered what the puppies said to each other. 

And if they felt sad they couldn't stay and play longer.  

I was glad I didn't meet any neighbour on my journey. 

I don't like being interrupted during my walks. 

It is my time away from others. A time to be with myself.

And if needed, a time to clear my mind of anything. 

Having to take my time away from my personal bubble to chat with someone else feels a little intrusive.

I was happy to see the willows keeping well and the papaya trees growing well too. 

Many of the bougainvillea shrubs were in full bloom. The pinwheel jasmines were flowering as usual. 

Was glad to greet my favourite clump of bamboo trees lining a pathway on my way back home. 

Me-time is nice. 

21 Aug 2021

We finally bought a table-top grill/BBQ/hotplate last month. 

And we did a mini home BBQ session last Saturday on our balcony haha. K was the chef, I was his assistant, helper was prepper, and the kids were.....the customers lol. 

Pork belly, swiss brown mushrooms, shabu beef, prawns, squid, beef patty, chicken, tau geh, scallion, lettuce, hot dogs...K made his own burgers too haha...

Anyway, it was fun and yummy (and oily lol) and we were watching the NDP performances at the same time too. 

Food was good, company was good, NDP performances were great...

It was a happy Saturday 21 Aug 2021 evening!  

bits....and...pieces!!

Went back to the office yesterday for a couple of hours. Was happy to catch up and spend time with ST. 

Was happy too to get my new laptop and catch up with some of the tech guys who were there. :) 

But I realised, being the introvert that I am, and having not physically spoken to so many people face to face for a long long time (save for meals with the extended family), I felt quite drained after that lol. Could literally feel my battery juice and energy run low. :D

==========

And so, after 10 years, I'll be back to using a Thinkpad. I started out with an IBM Thinkpad in this place in 2007, sought it over from the company when the 3-year refresh period was up and eventually passed the laptop on to my FIL who tinkered with it for awhile before it finally kaput. 

Pending some other set-up to be done and configured first before I switch over to the new laptop. It's a Lenovo Thinkpad now haha. 

==========

Pumpkin sprouts are growing well! But I have no idea what t do with them thereafter.... haha...Haven't had the chance to do any research also...will have to play by ear when they get bigger and taller....

==========

Meet-ups and gatherings in the next 2-3 weeks. Plus a much needed haircut. Hope my hairdresser is available on my off day. I've not cut my hair for 14 months. And it's getting very unruly at the ends...I need to lop off at least 4-5 inches I think....

Of bits and pieces

Dr Mok gave me an affirmation yesterday. 

"You are very self-aware. Some people don't even know what's wrong or which areas to fix. You are also a determined person and put in effort to manage things."

I just have to remind myself again and again not to overthink. Because our thoughts influence our feelings, which in turn influence our actions and behaviours. 

===============

坚持是雄壮的。- Dennis Chew, on Hear You Out Season 2 Episode 4.

Pushed myself hard back in Sec 4. Pushed hard in the last year of uni. Pushed hard on and off in the last 9 years. 

有时候觉得累， 有时候觉得骄傲。

有时候觉得不知道自己在干什么， 只知道自己只能往前走。

Keep walking, keep going. 

I might be slower than some others or taking a longer time but I'll keep at my pace and my comfort level, just as long as I keep walking. 

===============

A certain Mr Fernando told my friend during my internship when I was 21 years old that "Michelle will not survive in the corporate world when she goes out to work next time." 

His comment pops up from time to time. It can lie dormant for several years and then something triggers that memory and the comment floats up again. 

Not sure if my striving hard at work has anything to do with proving him wrong. Yeah, I'm not private sector corporate per se, but I think I'm still doing well enough in the public sector. 

And at my own pace. I am not very ambitious. I don't actively seek out chances or opportunities so I can shine. I don't look for work or new projects to showcase myself. I just sit and wait in my corner. If there is an opportunity that happens along, and I feel I can take it, then I do so.....

Just thankful for all that has come by in my working life....good or bad...

One of those days....

One of those days where I feel a little deflated, and wondering what am I doing at work, whether I'm doing things right, whether I'm doing ok as a team head, whether I'm growing at all and helping my team to grow and develop, and whether I'm doing things as I should be...

One of those days where I feel like I'm flapping around rather than "winging it". 

One of those days where I'd rather be taking orders 100% than making decisions here and there. 

One of those days where I wonder if I had any gumption at all. 

One of those days....

~I love it when you call me senorita!~

The girls came home yesterday evening and were getting ready for their shower. Both started singing.

Alyssa: ~I love it when you call me senorita! Na na na na...It's true la-la-la..!!~

Nadya: ~They say ...na na na...I see the way you shine!...na na na...dance for me dance for me dance for me oh oh oh....move for me move for me move for me eh eh eh-eh!~

When I was 6 or 8, I think the songs in my head were mainly Tom Jones or Engelbert Humperdinck or at the most Michael Jackson or whatever oldies were playing on the radio at that point in time...

Now my kids are singing "Senorita" by Shawn Mendes & Camila Cabello, and "Dance Monkey" by Tones & I.

Lol...

Time flies.

I miss their chubbiness. Their chubby faces, chubby arms and legs, chubby fingers, chubby backsides, chubby everything!

I miss the times when I can easily carry them from room to room or from place to place. When they were so small they could fit into the nook of my arms or rest comfortably on my tummy. 

I miss the times Nadya would fall asleep on my chest and tummy for her weekend afternoon naps.

I miss the days when I still had to put them into a high chair to they could eat comfortably at a dining table. 

I miss the days when the blankets covered them easily from neck to toe. 

I miss the days when a simple trip downstairs or to the playground would be enough to keep them occupied and be happy. 

I miss the days when both of them would knock out in the afternoons for their nap. 

I miss the tiny pattering of feet around the house. 

I'm holding thin hands and fingers and hugging thin frames now. 

I can only barely carry Alyssa now and trying to carry Nadya is out of the question. 

Only Alyssa sometimes wants to lie on my thigh for awhile now, just before she goes to sleep for the night. 

Both girls are in their own chairs now and wielding their own forks and spoons. Nadya uses her chopsticks pretty well now too. 

While Nadya still uses the same blankets she's been using since she was a baby, they barely cover her now and her feet always stick out lol. She refuses to stop using them. 

Books, chats, craft sessions, and more are needed to keep them occupied now. 

Only Alyssa still naps now but that'll be a thing of the past when she goes into P1 next year and starts getting used to the primary school + student care routines. 

I only hear loud shrieks and loud (heavier steps) around the house now haha...

But yes, while I miss those days when they were still young and oh so cute...But I do treasure the times now too...for who knows...they may not even want to hang out with their parents in a couple of years from now...

keep going.

You grew up in a certain way. You were brought up in a certain way. 

Some of these certain ways did not leave positive marks on your life and on yourself. 

You tell yourself not to do it when you become a parent yourself. 

You try and you remind yourself. 

But sometimes, certain things are so ingrained in you.

You don't even realise you're doing it until you've done it. 

You get discouraged and feel guilty. You wonder if you're any good at this parenting stuff. 

You try again. You fall again. You try again. 

And sometimes you fall again. Self-doubt creeps in as well. 

Just. 

Keep going. 

Bits & Pieces

Bossa Nova jazz accompanies me at work on this cold cold morning.
Streaming it from a 24/7 Youtube channel called "Cafe Music BGM channel". Been listening to their channel for 2 weeks now. Pretty good. 

And...it's Youth Day today! A small part of me still feels young and impressionable. So.....I can still celebrate it right? ;p And this will include snacking on Frosties this afternoon ;p

Will try to start doing arm dips?...K (and online sources) said they're good for all 3 parts of the triceps...
Lapsed on the squats so I should get those going again too...lol...

Learning Korean online is going pretty well. A little slow-going at times, especially when work and kids take up alot of time, but I think I'm doing good enough. I can read and write some basic words and I think I can write simple words based on how they sound phonetically too. Will keep going on this! 

Jiayou to me for today will be a day dedicated to planning, policy review and some policy research work. Oh, and maybe some workplanning & target setting work as well. 

Fighting!

要来了

coming soon or probably already here...

my acid reflux and gastric issue...

signs to know it's here....sensitive throat, on and off coughing when throats gets irritated, tight throat sometimes that makes swallowing more challenging and I need to be more careful, upper arms on and off aching, sometimes feels like there's a lump in my throat, one ulcer starting up in my mouth, tight upper gut with some cramping up last night, general lethargy (couldn't get out of bed these 2 mornings)...

ok...I've been eating more frivolously in the last 1-2 months...and I wolfed down my lunch on Sunday in less than 10mins....

It's about time my stomach acts up...I can just about guess the cycle already...

Time to self-manage and control my meals more again...

Only thing is...I've ordered in advance Mac for lunch today lol...Ok it's gonna be my last indulgent meal....before a week or 2 of more light eating...

肌肉山山

Took me awhile but I recently found this Korean-Chinese Youtuber, who's been around for at least 4 years I think. 

Content's a little duh at times but overall good and happy vibes. Sincere and didn't look too forced, at least for some of the videos I've watched. 

Unique mix of both Chinese & Korean speech and culture. I found that interesting. 

Yes I can!

Saw this on IG:

1. I can overcome this by creating a safe space for myself.
2. I am worthy, valuable, and more than enough.
3. I deserve happiness, and I can achieve it. 
4. I become more resilient everyday that I push through.
5. I forgive myself for past mistakes and choices that didn't work out. 
6. I become better everyday as long as I get up and give my all. 
7. I don't compare myself to anyone else because I was meant to be different. 
8. I know that each day is a new start and a new chance for happiness. 

Reminder to self. 

Especially on 4, 5, 6, 8.

throaty

Had half a yew chak kueh late yesterday morning. And a packet of cold ribena during lunch.

And had a slight scratchy throat by the time afternoon came...

zzzz....throat's pretty sensitive these days...

We are spies!!

***Cue James Bond music***

Been awhile since I had a weird-ass drama dream haha.
It had funkiness, familiarity, nostalgia, jealousy, heart flutterings, disdain, and a whole load of other emotions all meshed together. 

And so......

***Cue some more James Bond music***

K and I were spies. Specifically, spies in a secondary school. As secondary school students. At our current age. (I know right...*roll eyes*) 

But I don't know what we were supposed to be spying about, who we were spying for, and who we were spying on! Lol...this premise wasn't "stated" in the dream haha...

Anyway, there was a girl student older than the usual age of Sec 3 or Sec 4 students cos she was a transfer student from overseas. She had quite a blatant crush on K as she found him alot more mature compared to the other Sec 3 & 4 guys. (I mean of cos lah, he's a 40-yr-old acting as a 16-yr-old). She followed him around and tried to have her recess meals with him. K tried to "fend off" this girl by hanging out with me instead lol.

And for me, I had a fresh graduate Math teacher who was somehow enamoured with me and tried to get close to me. He too found he could relate to me as I was alot more mature compared to other students. I don't remember how he looked like in the dream, but I think he wore glasses. I remember telling him to stay away from me and not get too close, and I almost blurted out that I was already married but bit my tongue and held back.....cos well...spy mah, cannot reveal real identity LOL. 

The dream cut to a scene where we were all hanging out at the school canteen after school. For some absolutely strange reason, the rest of my secondary school friends ended up there as well. And ALL OF US were undercover i.e. 40-yr-olds masquerading as secondary school kids. 

I saw Parwin and Peiqi sitting next to us and having their meals. We were all talking and chatting while having our meals. Ally was buying her food and bringing her tray over to sit with us. I don't remember who else was there specifically. It was a blur of faces around K and I and I had the impression Eugene and TH were floating around somewhere too. I remember thinking to myself "Wah, this spy project is growing to such a big scale that they (the spy organisation and folks behind all this) had to rope in my friends as well??!!"

I don't know which school we were in exactly. The guys were all in white shirts and long pants. Us girls looked like we were in KC uniforms (looks like Tao Nan's uniform too lol) but how could we have been in a co-ed secondary school if we were in KC? Lol....I heard someone mention Chung Cheng in the dream and also Dunman High but the uniforms look nothing like those schools. 

Anyway.......

While we were hanging out at the canteen, the girl who had a crush on K was still in the background trying to join us at the long table and sit next to him. I gave her dagger eyes, not that she cared haha. The rest of us "complained" that we all flunked our tests...(cos who the hell at age 40 remembers their secondary school syllabus? haha.....)

And then....

My alarm rang....

And the dream ended abruptly so I never knew what happened to that teacher who had a crush on me, or what we were spying on or who paid us lol.....

SO amusing and fun hahaha. :D

Staff

Dealing with 2 staff that needs alot of hand-holding zaps energy and patience out of my workday sometimes. 

Glad that I have a manager in between them and myself to weed out more nonsense stuff. But somestimes things like HR and interpersonal matters, and more complex operational issues still come to me. 

Reminder to myself to take deep breaths and not let these 2 staff affect me and my thoughts too much. 

Age, EQ and level of competence are some things I cannot control and I just have to learn how to accept things, and with various pinches of salt as well. 

I have various spurts of optimism and try to guide and teach and hope they improve. I don't know if I'm setting myself up for disappointment because the higher the hope and expectation, the more disappointment and frustration there will be. Sometimes I still try, and then I find banging against the wall, and I get pek chek, and....the cycle repeats. 

Maybe one day I will really give up. I don't know...Just cos someone's 50+ yrs old doesn't mean they can't learn and better themselves right?