feeling....calm

It's been a good day so far. I'm thankful.
Work has been smooth. I had a half-hour skype call with a potential reseller based in New York which went well, though at times it was a little awkward, maybe because of time lag issues with Skype.

I had mee hoon kueh for lunch and it warmed me up from the inside out. Perfect meal for a cold and rainy day.

Power Station accompanied me this morning during work and now in the afternoon, Jason Mraz has the honours of doing so.

The melodies of Mr Curiosity, A Beautiful Mess, 93 Million Miles, You and I Both....are filling my ears...some repeatedly haha.

I feel at peace and I am imagining the days when I can play his songs in my own home...while I am going about my chores...or just chilling on the couch...

Can't quite decide if the music or the rain is calming me...

心疼

Oh...心疼啊心疼...Little Baby has been on a blend of Zyrtec, Bambec and Singulaire...

The doc did a nose swab on her and it tested positive for bacteria and so now she has to be on antibiotics....and because she will be on antibiotics, the doc's prescribing her probiotics as well because the antibiotics might cause her gastric....

Sigh...so young and taking so much medication...:(

K & I are feeling 心疼 now...

Dreams...

Dreamt of Xingli last week but I couldn't remember what the dream was about. Dreamt of her again on Sat night and I distinctly remembered that she was expecting in my dream and it was a baby boy she was carrying. 

I texted her on Sunday, told her about my dream and jokingly asked if my dream was true. 

And she said it was half-true. 

She really was expecting her third but it's a girl. 

Got a shock when she replied me. Wah my dream is true! Although not so accurate on the details but it was true! How coincidental can it be? 

Mr Pen

Since Little Baby's second week after birth, we've been noting down all her feed times and poo moments, and all her medication times when she's sick. Now that she started on some solids, we're noting those down too and monitoring her intake.

This morning, Mr Pen's ink ran out....

Thank you Mr Pen..

You came from an opulent hotel (Four Seadons if I remember correctly) to our humble abode and you've served us well for almost 7.5months. 

29th May 2014

Yesterday was Granny's 49th day of passing. 

Nothing strange happened. Not did I see any moth. 

I hope she's moved on to Heaven smoothly. 

morning rambles

The boss' ficklemindedness is causing me anguish, anger and frustration.

One day he says this. The next day he says that.

If he changes his mind, and acknowledges it's his indecision, I'm fine.

But for this recent incident, he changed his mind and blamed me for making the initial decision. Like WTF? I reminded him that it was he who made the decision in the initial place and it was agreed during the team meeting where everyone was present.

And what's worse was that I've already communicated the initial decision to the external party. Now I have to backtrack and tell them errrr....actually cannot.

My reputation is affected. It's like as if I can't do my job properly.

ARGH.

Phew...

Feeling thankful and grateful.

The skies were very overcast and I was still on the bus on the way to work. I decided to take a gamble and wing it instead of stopping at an MRT station along the way and switching to the train.

The clouds held it in and the moment I reached the building and stepped under shelter, they let loose and the rains poured down.

Moth

A small black moth appeared on Friday at our area of the house and had stayed on. It was always on the high walls or near the ceiling. 

When I woke from the dream last night and went to tend to Little Baby because she was crying, the moth was just outside my bedroom. On an adjacent wall and at eye-level instead. 

This morning, when going down the stairs, I found it lying upturned on its wings. It must have died sometime between 3am and 730am....:(

Dreamt of granny

The dream started off nice.

It was our open house, a house-warming of sorts. I saw her approaching from a distance. She seemed spritely, cheery and healthy. A small smile lit her face and she had a twinkle in her eyes. She was wearing her gold-rimmed glasses. Her hair was short and neat and permed in those little curls she favoured.

She was flanked by two other ladies, one was my grand-aunt Ipoh (granny's younger sister) and the other I've forgotten who, though in the dream I seemed to know who she was. They supported her from each side, but it was a cursory gesture for she seemed strong enough to stand and walk on her own. 

I started towards them. And that was when the dream changed course. 

As I approached them the surroundings blurred increasingly. Noises faded out and suddenly the two ladies by her side were no more. It was just herself and me. 

She had become skin and bones, weak and fragile. Her knobby knees buckled under her weight and I found myself carrying her. She leaned in heavily on me, her head lolled on my chest and she felt heavy in my arms despite being only skin and bones. Her eyes had become dull. 

And then for some strange reason, I was on a road suddenly. Darkness all around. When I turned to my left there was a sudden appearance of bright lights, I winced. It turned out to be the headlights of a white van. 

I sidestepped and the van swerved as well. We narrowly missed each other. I remember thanking god for protecting granny and myself. 

The dream ended there though because Little Baby's cry suddenly pierced through the baby monitor receiver. It was 2:30am when I checked the clock.

I remember waking up feeling sad. I wonder what the rest of the dream would have been like had I not been awoken. 

Taking that first step

There, I did it. 

I've been wanting to say hi to someone whom I've seen for the longest time at my bus-stop. I see her pretty often and over time I've come to realise that she's our neighbour, 2 doors away. Through conversations with my MIL, I think she realised that I'm actually related to my MIL and hence am her neighbour too. She mentioned to my MIL that she found it awkward and didn't know how to introduce herself to me.

So it was a case of we know who each other is but each found it awkward to say hi to the other. 

Finally gathered my courage today when I saw her and went up to her and introduced myself. 

Took me awhile but I'm glad I did it. 

When I was 18 and fresh in uni, I used to be able to do this with ease and was a relatively social person. That was how I got to know many people in my hostel. But over time, and especially after I joined this organization, I found it increasingly difficult. Not quite sure why through. Maybe I'm getting older? 

Glad I found a part of myself today. 

And so we sleep...

Was supposed to head out and run errands but the little girl decided to sleep right in the middle of her toys. And so.....we sleep.

Spot the Baby

Feeling sad

Broke down just now.

We chanced upon a Catholic bookshop along Katong and I dropped in to get a gift for Adrian and family. They were baptized more than a month ago and I'd yet to get a gift for them.

Being in the shop brought back some memories of my Granny but I managed to keep my composure. 

Right until the point when they started playing "Amazing Grace" over the sound system. 

The same song that was played when we marched behind her hearse as it drove away from the Singapore Casket House. 

The guy manning the cashier point must have felt awkward. I was tearing up as I paid for my item and was biting my lips. My brows were scrunched up and I think my face was somewhat contorted from the effort of stopping myself from crying in the store.

Completely let it go only when I stepped out of the shop. 

Sigh. This coming Thursday will be the 49th day after her passing. 

9th visit (I think)

又病了. :((

I think this is the 9th time I've been to the doc this year.

Fever and throat infection. 

Docs these days usually don't prescribe antibiotics that easily so I was taken by surprise when the doc looked at my throat and said immediately: "Oh this one must take antibiotics. Swollen already. Infected. Must take." 

Shell ah Shell...你要加油啊! 

要照顾好自己不然怎么照顾小baby呢?

Emma Lim

Little baby Emma was born to Eric & Desiree last night at 11:25pm, weighing in at 2.9kg and measuring 50cm long.

Feeling really happy for them. :)

I can tell Eric's pretty excited as well. Haha, he mass-whatsapped 50 of his friends to make the announcement at midnight yesterday.

Congratulations to them both!

cheerios

I took a cab and swung by to pick up K yesterday afternoon. Before reaching K's office, I'd engaged in conversation with the cab uncle. It was just mundane friendly small talk.

When K got on, I spoke to K instead. We soon reached our destination and I bid the uncle a friendly goodbye and wished him that his two kids would grow up well and obedient. 

K asked how come I was so friendly to that uncle.

I don't know really. I am friendly to all cab uncles unless I feel they have done something wrong.
I open myself up to people who open themselves up to others. If I can be friendly and make someone comfortable, why not? Every smile you receive makes you feel happier too right? :)

Every little bit counts. A small positive gesture can create bigger positive ripples.
So for every smile that you receive, pass it on. It'll make the world a nicer place.

人间有爱

While the online world seems to be increasingly filled with vitriol and complaints and general dissatisfaction with various issues, little random acts of kindness and courtesy that I witness each day in real life give me hope and the assurance that there is still much good in this society.

I was on the bus on the way to work yesterday when a man in his 50s or 60s sitting directly in front of me started coughing badly.

I contemplated offering him my Stepsils lozenges but was slightly embarassed and didn't know how to go about it especially since I was behind him.

A lady in her 50s two seats to his right then got up and offered him some mint sweets, which he politely declined.

I was not the recipient but still, I truly appreciated her act of kindness.

Orange

The sky took on a brilliant orange hue this evening during sunset. 

Everything was swathed in an orange tinge...it was almost surreal. 

A pity my camera could only capture this. Doesn't do the sky justice....

hmm....

I saw this on TV and found it quite interesting and meaningful.

山不转， 那就路转
路不转， 那就人转
人不转，那就心转
凡事都有出路

To me, this means the need to be flexible and accomodating in going about our lives. And also, life always works itself out...somehow...

Silent prayers

Just met Selin's husband, G, earlier on during lunch. G had come by my office area to attend a briefing.

Heard a piece of sad news. They had just come back from New Zealand, from visiting his sister who was in hospital there. She had gotten into a car accident while on holiday there.

Unfortunately, she was very badly injured. Her lower spine was crushed and the prognosis is not good. She will likely be paralysed from the waist down. She's been in hospital for almost a month already and will still be there for another 2 to 3 months. Her mother is now staying there with her and looking after her.

It will be a tough time for G's sister. I hope she stays strong. I heard she is an outgoing person and is now in a rather depressed mood. I don't know her personally but I sincerely hope she gets her spirits up again soon. It helps in the recovery and healing process.

Life has its way of working things out. I hope she regains her mental, emotional and physical strength in the days or months to come.

I will keep her in my prayers.

Note to self: Cherish all that you have now...and don't take anything or anybody for granted.

tuesday morning nagging

Sigh. there are 3 main policy documents each having 30-odd pages and in total more than 100 pages.
"You are supposed to know everything at your fingertips you know!!!"

You are the boss, you do it first lor. If you can manage to do it then I salulte you and I will admit I am seriously lacking.

If you can't do it yourself, then don't expect me to do it.

七早八早语气那么坏，那么重。

我只能跟自己说要学会看开多一点。

And yes, I am disliking policy work more and more. Give me project work and research or operations more please.

Costs

Just spent $1000 buying milk powder, diapers and a playmat for the little girl.

好多钱啊!!! 

*sweat*

-_-" 

Mother's Day

Ah...I received a belated Mother's Day card. Still heartwarming to receive something for my very first Mother's Day.

Her handprints are so cute! 

Am I gushing? Hmm. -_-"

But so cute lah!

The greens

After a long long hiatus of maybe a year, I finally decided to do something about it. I guess looking at whatever was left of my bedraggled plants spurred me. I dug out my old gardening stuff from a corner of the cupboard and I got K to bring me to the nearest nursery along Bedok South Road.

I had chanced upon a glass bowl in Daiso last year and grabbed it first, not knowing when I would have the opportunity to do up another terrarium. So now a year later and after a 2-hr effort...here's the finished product. 

My greatest achievement to date in my terrarium experiments. :) 

I chose to do an asymmetrical one. And it's my first time ever using 4 different varieties in a single space. Introducing them, clockwise from the top: white ficus sunny, white-veined fittonia, pink-tinged fittonia and Christmas moss as the ground over. 

Am thinking of whether to add a top layer of stones but I'll hold on for awhile. Let it all settle down first then see how. 

I've seen smaller and much simpler creations selling for $30. I think this one might have a retail price tag of up to $60 or more? I did a quick calculation and estimated my cost to be about $28. And that's because I didn't get my things at wholesale price. Imagine how much those flower shops are earning....

I've never taken care of moss and ficus sunny before. I hope this pot does well and survives! 

Meanwhile it's sitting prettily on our desk at home. :) 

Credits: big thanks to K for looking after the little girl on his own while I took "time off" to indulge myself in this long-forgotten hobby ;p 

Mama - day 32

Today is the 32nd day since Mama's passing.

How are you Mama?

I hope you're doing fine wherever you are. I hope you're with Ipoh and Tuanku and your parents and grandpa happily playing mahjong or congkak or cher-kee or pak-gow.

I hope you're getting good Peranakan food there too. It's been many years since you could eat a good proper meal of buah keluak, nasi kunyet, telur gragoh, babi pongteh, pong tau hu, bubor cha cha, chap chye, itek giam chye teng, ikan assam, sayur lemak, sambal udang, etc.

I hope you're putting on weight, and back to your chubby self all those years ago...

I hope you have enough to live on, to wear, to use...

I hope you're sleeping well.

I hope you're happy....

I hope...

I hope...

gardening...the lack of...

I have not done much gardening since last year.

My mint is growing and growing and growing non-stop in the garden so that's fine. I'll probably be bringing one or two pots with me when we shift house in Q3 this year.

My basil died. Not sure if it was from lack of care or too much sun....

My gloxinia just died too. This was after I did a hurried re-potting because it was getting too scraggly and growing out onto my desk at home....sigh, maybe I shouldn't have re-potted it...should have left it alone.

And I've been wanting to prune my one and only open terrarium left with me. It is getting seriously overgrown and badly needs a refilling of soil. And I've been wanting to make a smaller closed terrarium. And I've also been wanting to create another bigger open terrarium from the fish-bowl like container I bought like a year ago....

And oh yes, I have not gotten the small pot of ______ (damn I forgot the name of that plant!! this is what lack of sleep does to you) from my mum's place....

Argh, time, where are you??!...

work

Am wondering how long I can endure my boss’ mood swings.

What do I really want? For a job? Honestly, right now, I don’t know.

I was pretty satisfied with my job from the start till about 6 years in. Sure, I’d have gripes about stuff but I didn’t feel “xian” about work.

After having Little Baby, things changed. And I don’t feel right in this job anymore. Going to work everyday is beginning to feel like a drag.

I wish to stay on in the parent organization, but don’t know which team to transfer to. If I leave the organisation entirely, it feels like a waste since I’ve built up 6 and a half years’ worth of credential here already. 

What to do about this...hmm....

Memories...from an era long gone...

My Dad was clearing out Mama's cupboard over the last week. And he came across an entire folder's worth of old notes and letters of his father's. His father whom he had never seen before. (Granddad was taken in the early days of the Japanese invasion in Singapore and was never seen again). My Dad was pretty excited because he'd never ever seen this folder before. Mama kept it well hidden away in a forgotten corner of her cupboard.

Some of these letters are older than my Dad himself. With the oldest being written in 1940. But there were also several documents dated between 1916 and 1940. Gosh...these are antiques.....relics from the past...from an era long gone.

I spent an entire hour and slightly more poring over the letters and documents. It was fascinating reading them. There were letters between my granddad and his close friends and relatives in Malaysia. There were death certificates and marriage certificates. There were school leaving certificates of my eldest uncle who died in an unfortunate car accident in 1956 (an incident which brought Mama much grief). There were letters concerning my granddad buying a rubber estate in Malaysia (he was quite well-off before the war). There were cemetery plot certificates and there were letters from advocates and solicitors.

Most of the letters were in English. Half were typed out. And the rest were in beautiful scripts. Handwritten in long flowing cursive strokes. It seemed as if the words were just dancing and gliding gracefully over the paper. It's a waste that people don't write like that anymore. I think learning to write in cursive handwriting was an actual subject back in those days.

A handful of letters were in Chinese. And they were written in beautiful traditional Chinese in vertical sentences instead of the current day horizontal rows. They were also written from right to left. Goes to show the age and era of when these letters were written in. So nice were the handwritings and strokes that the Chinese words looked as if they were printed on the paper itself.

The letters written in English were partly in Queen's English. Nothing quite like what we write these days. It was really lovely reading them and learning of the great extent of courtesy and formality accorded to even close friends when writing letters.

I remember a portion of a letter went "I feel extremely bad that our failure to call upon you when we were in Negri Sembilan brought you and your wife much disappointment. You will however forgive me for my slight, owing to special reasons which I will disclose to you later." And this was written from a friend to another good friend. Such formality. I would really love to hear how they spoke in those days.

The folder itself is an antique. The one holding all the letters and documents. It was probably taken from an office for it had the words "Straits Java Trading Co. Ltd" printed on the front of it. It must have been a pretty pink in its heyday all those years ago but it has since withered down to a dull brown-pink when I saw it yesterday. It was also mottled with some light brown spots of mould.

In the end, I thought the most meaningful of all the documents was.....Mama's birth certificate. Yup, my grandmother's birth certificate. Inked on brown paper and issued out the day after she was born on 7 February 1916. That piece of document is 98 years old. I am really amazed that it is still in existence.

I did a family tree last year and there were some missing bits of information. Reading through these documents provided me with some of these missing pieces of the jigsaw. I need to update the family tree soon. Hopefully I can find some time this weekend to do it.....

Dad is still clearing out some drawers of Mama's cupboard. Wonder what other forgotten gems would he find....

Memories

I'm just glad she attended our ROM lunch. 

This was 2.5years ago when she was still lucid. That clip in her hair was actually mine...simple black bobby pin with some pink diamanté flowers stuck on it. She was happy that day for she had the chance to feast on Peranakan food. 

........

After seeing the doc this morning, I still had 2 hours of free time to kill before my dental appointment. 

I thought to myself: "Maybe there's enough time to go visit mama at the nursing home."

And almost instantaneously I also came to realise my mistake. It was truly a WTF moment. 

Either I have a severe lack of sleep and my brain is below optimum performance or.......reality hasn't quite sunken in fully for me yet.....

Bah...

This year has not been exactly smooth-sailing. Must check zodiac again, monkey this year fan tai sui is it?! 

Maybe I need to pray more or bathe in flower water. 

Just went to see doc. I've an ear infection in my right ear. Never had it before in my 30-odd years of existence. And to think I pride myself for keeping my ears clean. Even the doc commended me and said my ears were very clean. 

Then how the hell did I get this ear infection?! 

Even the doc had no answer for me....

Sigh...

Sigh

I just saw a lady at the bus stop. She was very thin. Skeletal really. 

That was not the scary thing. 

What was scary was that she was wearing form-fitting clothes. She could actually find clothes that were form-fitting and not the least bit baggy. If those were adult women's clothes that she was wearing then I am quite perplexed. 

You mean they actually sell clothes that small? What message are these clothes manufacturers sending out? 

What messages are those airbrushed images of "perfect" models sending out? 

Another moth sighting

We ran errands at Parkway earlier today. As we were in the carpark and preparing to leave, K told me there was a brown moth on Little Baby's stroller. (I was carrying her by that point) 

He pushed the stroller hoping that the moth would fly away but it didn't. Only when he folded the stroller up did it fly away....

Another milestone of sorts

Little Baby managed to stay in her car seat for the entire journey between our place and my parents' place. No
fuss at all.

This was a far cry from before. Initially she could only last less than 5mins in the seat, and that was at home on the floor. 

Now it's a full 15mins in the car seat in the car! Goody! 

Another moth

It's getting a little too coincidental...

A moth appeared again today. Same type, brownish. Same size too. 

I was on the bus home, sitting on the upper deck by the window. Somewhere along the route, after the Old Airport Road hawker centre, a moth suddenly appeared outside my window. It was fluttering here and there and landed on the window quite a few times, right next to my face. And then it flew off. 

Today is the 14th day since Mama passed....

Oh, hello moth

A brown moth appeared again tonight. This time round it was in Little Baby's room, on a wall high up and near the ceiling. 

It's the 12th day since Mama passed on. 

And it is said moths represent the souls of the departed who come and visit their family and friends before moving on to whichever place or realm they are supposed to go to. 

Hmm...

Change of dynamics

These days I feel a little like a teacher's pet who has fallen from grace. 

Not sure if I am being sensitive or what. Ever since I told the boss that I don't wish to travel for the upcoming overseas meeting and ever since I had a small bust-up with him a few weeks ago, I feel as if he has something against me. 

Even his nagging has taken on a more unpleasant tone. Almost everyday I will kena something from him.

If things come to a head, I dunno....maybe I'll talk to him? Hmm dunno....

Sigh. 

Thank you gal

Came back to office after a week's hiatus. And saw this little fella on my desk.

Present from Kah Hui. Forgot to ask her if it was for Easter or just to cheer me up. 

Thank you gal....

Distracted? Emo?

Think I'm a little fragile now. Sigh.

Boss just called to scold me for a mistake I did. And now I feel like a small child wanting to cry. 

On another note, I feel a little stupid too for making that mistake. I have been around long enough to know how the process should be. I shouldn't have made that error. 

Not that smooth a Monday so far. Hope it gets better later....

Saturday morning

Father and daughter ruminating...so emo and poetic...no filter and no edits to the photo by the way.

Slow reaction

Turned out I had a delayed reaction. 

For some strange reason, after more than a week, my emotions chose to let loose last night. And let loose I did. 

I bawled. I spluttered. I bawled somemore. 

Was feeling upset about my granny. 

Sigh...

But I felt slightly better thereafter apart from the headache I had from the crying. 

18 April 2014

Her Daddy's birthday. And also the day that she tried pumpkin for the first time. More specifically butternut squash.

Strangely there was not much excitement or reaction. She was more excited the first time she tried rice cereal. Hmm...

And yes, the poor girl has got a red mark under her left eye because she scratched herself. She accidentally scratched off the scab this morning and it started bleeding again. :( see liao heart pain. 

It's been 7 days

How time flies. 

It's been a week already since Mama left us. Last Friday at this time of 11:15, Adrian and I were by her bedside just watching over her. A lifeless her. 

Strangely, a moth came by earlier on around 9-plus. It was flying around in our bedroom and then later on in our washroom. 

I asked K if Mama was maybe visiting us.....he said maybe....

The 2 Lovely Sisters

Adrian sent this wonderful photo out 3 days ago to us and some of our cousins. This was taken at his wedding 13 years ago. The two sisters, born 8 years apart, both resplendent in their sarong kebayas. 

Mama and Ipoh, both of you take care up there ok. I think you have enough kakis to start a game of mahjong already. Have fun yah......(They used to play mahjong with my mum and aunt every Saturday or Sunday for many years) 

Smells like....

And so I have created my first reed diffuser ever.

I couldn't and didn't have the chance to find a nicer bottle. Anyway, since this was an initial experiment, I improvised and bought a rose essence bottle (Star Brand). Those used to flavour cakes and jellies. The bottle was only less than $1.50.

I ordered the essential oils from Qoo10 and the reed sticks as well. For the carrier oil I used grapeseed oil. Easier to find it compared to jojoba or sweet almond oil. Just step into NTUC and you can get a 500ml bottle of grapeseed oil for $5 or $6.

Composition:
- 4 drops of citronella oil
- 4 drops of lemongrass oil
- 3 drops of geranium oil
- roughly 90 drops of grapeseed oil

I used lesser geranium as it is a thicker oil compared to lemongrass and citronella and hence more concentrated. I chose to do a 10% dilution as this was an initial test, i.e. 10 drops of essential oils to 90 drops of carrier oil. If this works well as an insect repellant, I might do a more concentrated one of 20% dilution.

Purpose:
- Citronella - purifying, clarifying, anti-depressant
- Lemon grass - purifying, cleansing, energising
- Geranium - purifying, calming, uplifting

And all three oils have insect repellant poperties. This was my main purpose in buying them actually. It was only after I bought them that I discovered that the oils had other calming and purifying properties.

I did not put in any alcohol simply because I didn't know how to get any. Stop short of buying a bottle of Absolut. But anyway, alcohol is an optional item for a reed diffuser, it just helps the essential oils bind better to the carrier oil and travel up the reed sticks in a better way. But it's not 100% neccessary to put alcohol in it.

Let's see how this turns out.

Little kids. Little rich kids.

I spent some time alone in a Starbucks cafe yesterday afternoon. I was clearing some work and blogging a little.

I was caught by surprise at the number of young kids there. There were those from secondary school and JC, evidenced by the uniforms they were in. And there were even 2 or 3 from prmary school, sitting in a corner on their own.

So rich?

When I was in primary school, even McDonald's was considered a luxury. And I had no money to hang out with friends. We only probably hung out at a shopping centre or at a Popular bookstore just walking around aimlessly and didn't have money to sit in an actual cafe and order cakes and drinks.

Till now I still find it expensive to spend $5 each day buying a cup of something from Starbucks though I know many others do it.

Times have changed. Really.

I can't imagine how it will be when Nadya grows up.

The Proceedings IV - Tuesday 15 April 2014

Adrian picked up Dad & Mum before coming by to pick me. We made our way to the Marina South Pier where we met up with Aunt and my cousins, Celine and Randall. We waited for the Singapore Casket staff to arrive and they finally arrived, slightly later than the agreed upon 11am time.

Mama’s remains, ashes and bone fragments, were wrapped up within a red cloth which was placed in a brown basket. Dad held the basket while we waited for the boat to arrive to pick us up.

Mama had long ago instructed her children that she wanted a sea burial. Maybe Dad’s pragmatism came from her. She had said that she did not want to be a burden to others, not when she was alive and also not when she was dead. She did not want her descendants to have to go to her crypt or vault at the columbarium year after year to clean up her “flat” and pay respects to her. She said she would rather be thrown into the sea and we just kept her in our hearts.

And so we arranged for a sea burial.

The boat was soon ready and we headed out onto the bobbing jetty. Mum was prone to motion sickness and had already popped anti-motion sickness pills beforehand. Still she was fidgety and clung on to me when out on the jetty. So one arm of mine was holding onto her and the other arm of mine was trying to hold Dad, who claimed he did not need any support at all as he was a fisherman and used to all the waves and bobbing. (He used to fish a lot out in the open sea.) Still, he is 72 this year. I was going to hold on to him no matter what he said or claimed.

We stepped onto the boat and were brought to an NEA-designated area a short distance off the East Coast area.

When the boat stopped, Celine led us on a short prayer and we sang “Amazing Grace” again. The guy from Singapore Casket who accompanied us told us that before we put Mama into the sea. It was customary that we open the red cloth and touch her and say our goodbyes. And so we did.

We all kept our composure this time round. Though I could see Dad’s eyes were a little red. It was a little surreal. One day Mama was in human form, intact and dressed in her sarong kebaya. The next day, she was reduced to just ashes and fragmented pieces of white powdery bones.

We tied up the cloth again and then made our way to the edge of the boat. If it weren’t for the sombre nature of the event, it would have been quite comical. Each of us was trying to balance ourselves. I was supporting Mum. Adrian was supporting Dad who was clutching onto Mama’s remains. Mum was calling out to Dad to be careful. Randall was trying to take pictures on Celine’s camera. Celine was trying to say the last verses of the prayer. And all the time the boat was still rocking away.

Dad shocked all of us when he decided to lie down on the boat floor instead of squatting. Mum had a huge shock as she thought he was almost falling overboard. She yelled and I shushed her up. Dad finally dipped Mama into the sea water and when the bag was soaked through, he let her go. I did not manage to see her sink into the depths of the waters but I trust it was a peaceful trip down. Maybe some fishes (and plankton?) accompanied her on her journey down to the seabed….

We had loose flowers with us and each of us scattered some flowers into the sea as well as we bade our final goodbyes to Mama.

We went back into the sheltered area of the boat and sat down again, chatting while we made our way back to the jetty. It was an excursion of sorts too I suppose.

We parted ways at the jetty and Adrian dropped Mum and Dad and I at Bugis. He had to go back to work. I brought Mum and Dad out for lunch and accompanied them home. I stayed there for the afternoon before making my way back in the evening to begin my second “job” as a mum….

The Proceedings III - Monday 14 April 2014

Seeing how my Dad, Adrian and I had always been the first ones to be Mama’s wake, my Aunt assigned one of my cousins to be the first one instead on Monday morning.

After getting Little Baby ready for school, I managed to sleep some more. When I woke though, a sudden overwhelming grief washed over me. I sat on the edge of the bed and cried. And cried. I tried not to dwell on it too much though. I still had to get ready to go out. Forced myself to go wash up and shower. It was 11am or so when I reached the wake.

Being a Monday, there were not many people who came by. The afternoon still passed quickly though as we chatted amongst ourselves. It was soon 5:30pm.

At 5:40pm, Father Edward Lim from the Holy Trinity Church in Tampines reached. He conducted his service and by 5:50pm he was done. We got ourselves ready. 8 of us immediate family members followed behind when staff transported Mama’s coffin downstairs to the waiting hearse. Dad, Mum, myself, Adrian, Aunt, Uncle, Celine and Randall. The rest of the relatives and friends, maybe 15 in all, took another lift and waited for us downstairs.

When Mama was brought downstairs, it started to drizzle. The hearse was blaring out “Amazing Grace”. When her coffin was being placed into the hearse Aunt and Mum started to cry. I started as well. The staff handed out umbrellas to all of us. The 8 of us positioned ourselves behind the hearse and followed it as it slowly drove out.

It was a slow march. Adrian, Dad, Mum had their hand on the hearse. I couldn’t get a space and left it at that. The drizzle had by now turned into a downpour. It was as if the sky was shedding its tears for Mama. It was all quite touching, dramatic and sad at the same time.

We marched for just a little while till we reached the junction leading out to the main road. Staff said we could stop there and regroup. Those with cars would meet us at the Mandai crematorium. Those without transport would take the bus we had chartered. Adrian’s car and K and I were the only two cars following behind the hearse as a small convoy.

It was raining heavily for the entire journey from Lavender to Mandai. Adrian later said that Mama’s sending off was so dramatic.

Father Edward was already there in the service hall waiting for us when we reached. The room was very very cold when we stepped in. It was a quaint and peaceful room though. Mama was laid in the centre of the front of the room. Father Edward led his service. I could hear sniffling in the room and tissues being used. I was tearing myself.

We were instructed to each say our final goodbyes and were each given a stalk of pink carnation to lay on her coffin. We went one by one in a single file. I told Mama to rest in peace. I said goodbye to her. I told her to take care of herself while up there in Heaven. I told her to meet up with Ipoh, Tuanku and all her other dead relatives while up there.

When I went back to my seat, I saw that Dad was crying. He was clutching her photograph (the big framed one used for the wake) to his chest and he was crying. I’d only ever seen him tear up once in my entire life. And that was a few years ago when Mama had been hospitalised and the doctors told us to be prepared for the worst. This time round, it was full out crying.

I was upset. I didn’t know how to console him except to sit next to him and hug him.

We were then told to head to the viewing room. We made our way there. I followed close behind Dad. K was right behind or beside me all the time as well.

There was a loud silence in the viewing room, despite the more than 20 of us there. Silence broken by the occasional sob, the occasional rustling of tissue paper. It felt heavy and oppressive. Dad was still holding Mama’s photo to his chest and he looked at it from time to time. His eyes were red and teary.

We waited.

5minutes later we saw in the room down below staff placing Mama’s coffin onto a platform. A minute later the platform bearing her coffin started moving slowly towards another door, beyond which we would not have sight of. This really was the final goodbye, the last we would ever see of her. 

Dad started crying again. My Aunt cried out loud “Bye Bye Mak Cim (Peranakan lingo for Mother)! Bye Bye Mama! Bye Bye Ah Chor! Rest in Peace! Bye Bye! Bye Bye! Pergi carik Ipoh dengan Tuanku! (Go find Ipoh and Tuanku. They were Mama’s deceaded siblings).”

My distant cousins, Paul and Brenda, who were my granny’s god-son and god-daughter, also shouted “Bye Bye Kue Mah!”

Most were crying at that point as the platform inched closer to the door leading to the furnace.

 

Marc looked a little bewildered. At age 11, I don’t blame him. I don't think he feels very close to his great-grandmother. He'd never seen his grandparents cry before. And I don’t believe he had ever been in a situation where most of the adults in the room were crying. I wonder if he found it overwhelming.

The coffin soon went through the second door and then the door closed.

 

That was it.

 

The end of a story 98 years in the making.

We were ushered outside to an area with benches. Adrian was by Dad’s side this time. He looked like a broken man from behind. Instead of standing tall and proud like he always did, he looked hunched over. Adrian held Dad and supported him.

 

But Dad recovered quickly and being the practical people that my parents are, he soon started trying to arrange for logistics for a relative who had no car and had to find his way home.

There was a sudden change in mood. It felt strange. In the viewing room it felt heavy and oppressive. Once out of there, and as people were walking out, the mood lifted. I could hear small talk going on and some muted laughter as people huddled around in small groups.  

Life goes on I suppose.

We thanked the relatives and went our separate ways from Mandai. K & I dropped my Aunt off and her two friends before heading home ourselves. It was still relatively early when we got home around 840pm and I finally got to spend more time with Little Baby.

The Proceedings II - Sunday 13 April 2014

It was Palm Sunday. The orbituary was also published that day.

I brought the little girl to see her great-grandmother for the final time. It was 930am when we reached. I was glad that Little Baby did not fuss and was pretty much calm. I told her that Ah Chor was sleeping and that Ah Chor would be going to a better place. I told her that Ah Chor was going home to be with the Lord and that both he and she would look after us from above. I told her to wave goodbye to Ah Chor. And I held her little hand and we patted Mama’s coffin together.

It was emotional for me. While I am disappointed that Mama did not get to interact with Little Baby the way she had interacted with her other great-grandchildren last time, I was still glad that at least the both of them had a chance to meet when Mama was still alive. Even if Mama did not register anything in her mind, at least she saw Little Baby already.

K and my inlaws brought Little Baby home around 11am. It was relatively quiet till after lunch. Many people dropped by. We already expected it.

I was very touched that Tazzee popped by even though his own dad was recovering in hospital from an unfortunate incident. I hope his dad is healing well and that he is discharged by now.

Daniel and YL came by, as did the rest of the secondary school peeps.

Dad and Mum’s friends. My Aunt’s friends. My cousin’s friends. My Dad’s relatives. My Mum’s relatives. Adrian's church friends. Mama’s youngest brother came as well. (He’s 86 by the way. Spritely and very fit. He still plays tennis twice a week.)

It was hectic in a sense. I was hopping between tables, chatting with various groups, in between clearing and cleaning tables and giving out drinks and collecting contributions. Adrian, Mei and Marc had to be away for that afternoon because they had to go for their rehearsal in church. Rehearsal for their baptism during Easter Vigil this coming Saturday evening. Adrian shared with me that he was disappointed that Mama passed on before their family’s baptism.

By the time dinner came by, I felt a little woozy from the constant talking but more so from the lack of sleep. When the crowd thinned a little, I sat on a chair and "stoned".

I was worried for Mum and Dad too. Mum had caught a cold and fallen sick on the last two days of her trip to Korea. She was on medication and looked drawn and pale. She was napping on the sofa in the room whenever she could. And Dad had been running around since Friday night. He’s getting old too and I was worried that he would be very tired. I kept nagging at him to sit down and rest whenever he had the chance to.

After tabulating the contributions and clearing up the room, I managed to get home slightly earlier around 11pm. K was also very tired, he had been looking after Little Baby on his own for two whole days.

It was a busy day and I did not have time to dwell much on Mama.

The Proceedings I - Saturday 12 April 2014

Dad, Adrian and Aunt were at the Singapore Casket on Saturday morning handling all the administrative proceedings. From choosing the colour of the coffin to choosing the type of floral arrangements to the type of backdrop to use to the type of catering and snacks and drinks to have, they settled all of that.

I was in charge of the orbituary and went home to do it up and prepare her photo for publishing. It was a rush. In between taking care of Nadya and trying to shower myself, I tried to settle Mama’s orbituary.

By the time I settled things and reached the Singapore Casket premises, it was after lunch around 2pm.

The room had already been set up. The floral stands were there, the candles were there, Jesus and a large gold cross adorned the backdrop, and her coffin was there, right amongst the flowers.

Her coffin was white. It looked pure. The flowers were carnations. White carnations interspersed with pink ones for contrast and some colour. The candles were white as well. I thought the staff did a good job. The set-up looked quite good, pure and pristine.

She looked different however. Strange actually. Her hair was slicked back and kept in place with gel. That was not how she styled her hair when she was still mobile last time. She had on light make-up and a somewhat reddish shade of lipstick. I’d never ever seen her wear lipstick in all my 34 years of existence. We all agreed that the lipstick was somewhat too red and glossy and possibly garish. We requested for it to be toned down. The staff did a good job of toning the colour down to a more natural shade of coral pink. I felt it was still a little too glossy though but did not say anything.

She was dressed in her lavender pink kebaya top with diamante kerosang to hold it in place. Her sarong was brown with purple, white and blue accents. And she was wearing her blue Scholl sandals. Her hands were clasped together above her tummy and her rosary was strung between her fingers. She had her dentures put in and looked at peace.

By then, Dad and Aunt had notified all relatives. They started arriving in trickles from mid-afternoon onwards. In ones or twos or small goups of three or four. More swung by in the evening and at night.

We were kept busy with the relatives and trying to arrange for a sea burial (her wishes which she stated  a long time ago), trying to get a pastor down for a service prayer, trying to proof read and finalise the orbituary advertisement, trying to confirm the sea burial boat charter and timing and trying to confirm the catering arrangements for the next few days.

I was in charge of managing the contributions from visitors to the wake as well. My cousin and I took turns for this.

People paid their respects and mostly, time was spent chatting to relatives and friends. It was some sort of gathering and a time for catching up, especially for relatives whom we have not seen for a long long time.

Amongst the mundane chatter was a highlight that brought me much smiles. TH and Diana popped by and they shared with me that they were engaged already. I saw her beautiful ring. But apparently she was not too happy with the way TH did his proposal. Too pragmatic. Too practical. I think the older he gets the more he loses touch of his romantic side. So typical of him. Anyway, I was very happy for them. I think they make a very good couple.

Mum had just touched down from Korea that night at 1015pm. When she texted Dad to say that she had landed, Dad immediately called her and broke the news.

It was 1130pm by the time I got home that night. I missed the little girl a lot but didn’t get a chance to see her till the next morning.

The Day She Left

The first time we were told to be prepared for the worst was back in June 2009. I still remember that night. I was in Sydney on a business trip. I was not feeling well and K was having a bad time as well back in Singapore. I just had a warm shower and was resting in the hotel room when my Dad called me. He sounded upset and worried and his voice broke several times. He said that Mama was in a bad shape in hospital and the doctor told us to be prepared. I was upset. I was overseas and didn’t know whether to rush back to Singapore or not. I prayed a lot that night. Thankfully, Mama pulled through.

Since that night, she had been in hospital on and off. Sometimes up to 3 or 4 times a year. There were many occasions when the doctors told us to be prepared. And there were many other occasions when the nursing home called my Dad to tell him that her oxygen levels seemed low or that she seemed to be not doing so well. In the past year, this happened even more frequently.

But each time, she ended up being okay.

She was more or less lucid and responsive up till the beginning of 2013. February or March 2013 was when she lost it completely. She could not recognise people anymore, not even my Dad or Aunt. She also stopped talking to us. She did not acknowledge us anymore and when we spoke to her, all she did was stare back at us. We did not even know if she registered anything in her brain or not. On occasions when she spoke, it was gibberish and mainly in Malay and mainly pertaining to her own dead parents. Two weeks ago, she had called for her mother to come and get her.

She went for her geriatric check-up on Wednesday 9 April 2014. The doctor told my Dad and Aunt that it would be better to ward her instead as she had low oxygen, low blood pressure and high sodium and urea content in her blood. So ward her we did.

On Thursday and even Friday afternoon, both my Dad and Aunt updated us that she seemed to be stabilising. She was fed a cocktail of drugs. More chemicals were pumped through her body through an IV drip. According to my Aunt, on Friday afternoon, when a nurse was administering something to her or adjusting a tube on her, she was still strong and feisty enough to resist and even gave the nurse a good pinch. It was not a simple pinch, it was a pinch coupled with a twist.

I had actually thought to myself that she would not be going this time round. I somehow had a feeling that she would be pulling through and would be discharged in a few days’ time.

But I was wrong. Very wrong.

At 9:45pm on Friday night, she had a seizure and her heart stopped. By 9:50pm, the nurses had called my Aunt and Dad to tell them she was in a critical state and to get immediate family members down to the hospital. By 9:55pm, my Dad had informed me and my brother. By 10:30pm, I was there at the hospital by her bedside. My Aunt was there already. Dad and Adrian arrived 5minutes later.

But it was too late. She was already long gone. The nurses and doctor had tried to resuscitate her since 9:45pm. The doctor told us that they would not be trying anymore and would put it in the records that the official time of death was 10:30pm.

When I saw her, she was still hooked up to the machines, the ventilator and the heart rate monitor. She was on artificial sustenance and her chest was still heaving up and down due to air being pumped into her lungs. She looked like she was sleeping and still breathing normally. The only thing was that her eyes were open and she looked pale.

I was tearing, Adrian was tearing. Dad and Aunt kept their composure.

I patted her silver hair. I spoke to her. I told her I loved her. I told her that she was going home to the Lord and may she rest in peace. I told her that she could now meet her two sisters and her brother and also her parents. I touched her hands. They were so so cold. Her fingers were rigid. It was less than an hour since she had gone and they had hardened already. I did not know rigor mortis sets in so fast. I touched her right cheek and her skin felt so soft. But she was cold there too. She was not stiff there yet but her face was cold and frigid. Maybe it was the aircon in the hospital. I don’t know. Maybe her warm soul had already left her body.

We waited for my other cousins to arrive and see her before the doctor removed her pacemaker. Her wishes were for her to be cremated and the pacemaker had to be taken out in case it exploded in the furnace.

It was a long wait at the hospital before all the administrative proceedings were done and before all the equipment were unhooked from her and removed from her bedside. The death certificate was issued. By then, at 1:00am, the rest had left. Only Dad, Adrian and I accompanied her in a room called the “Last Office” while we waited for the Singapore Casket people to come pick her up.

When the Singapore Casket staff arrived, Mama was wrapped up in a white cloth and placed in a cold, hard and grey metal box. It felt cold and clinical and detached. She was wheeled downstairs and we were escorted by the hospital staff through a long maze of corridors and service alleyways, following right behind her. You would not see these long corridors if you were a visitor to the hospital. These were all hidden from public view and only staff knew they existed.

When we reached the holding room next to the mortuary downstairs, she was placed on a metal table and was still covered by the white cloth. Her feet were showing though. They had been tied together with white string. Her skin looked waxy. The hospital staff asked us to verify that it was her before she could be taken away by the Singapore Casket staff. Adrian did the verification. She was then placed in the Singapore Casket van and taken away.

It felt surreal. It was 2:10am. In the dead of night, the three of us walked silently back to Adrian’s car. I decided to go back to my Dad’s place and spend the night there.

Adrian dropped us off and Dad and I spent the next 45minutes preparing her kebaya and sarong and shoes. For her to wear in her coffin.

It was 3:30am by the time I went to bed. I had been awake for 21 or 22 hours by then. I was exhausted and slept. For 3 hours.

 Dad and I woke at 6-plus. He could not sleep anymore and I somehow woke up as well even though I was still feeling quite tired. Adrian picked us up at 7:30am and we went to her nursing home to collect her belongings and clear out her cupboard.

We also wanted to collect her dentures, her spectacles and her rosary to be placed together with her in her coffin.

Dad and I broke the news to the staff nurse there. One of Mama’s neighbours kept asking me if “Auntie” was coming back and when. The staff nurse signalled to me from afar to keep the news from the rest of the old ladies. I told them that Mama was still in hospital seeing the doctor. They nodded to themselves and muttered “ok”. I think some of them knew deep down that she was already gone.