Oh my sleep....wherefore art thou?

5 hours of sleep the night before with one 30mins interruption somewhere in between has rendered me a zombie on this 28th day of May in year 2015.

Trying to draft an email memo touching on policy issues and because this email requires more thought and consideration, my brain has started its own protest by simply refusing to work much.

I would type one sentence (or half) and then my mind would go blank.

Hope I survive the rest of the working day.

Boo.....zzzzzz........

I suppose it's also an accumulation of lack of sleep and tiredness...

zom. bie. fied.

Work

Dynamics are changing.

The boss is leaving his post as GM in October. He will likely stay on as an advisor or consultant till Feb next year and then it is goodbye.

This has not been announced officially and not all my team mates know. But I know and the other two who are more senior (in terms of rank) than me know.


I can sense he is slowly giving some decision-making leeway to those 2 folks.

I'm not too pleased though I can't do much about it. I don't want to acquiesce to their opinions and judgement, well, at least not one of them.

For something which I thought was more operational and simple enough to decide, I made a recommendation to him and sought his concurrence. Didn't expect him to rope the other 2 in and seek their opinions as well.


Bah.

When he leaves and when the new boss comes in, it will right smack at the start of my maternity leave. Which leaves me with little chance to get to know the new boss. The rest have 4-5 months of working with him before I come back again...

While I already know who this new boss is and that he is generally an easy guy to work with....I still feel apprehensive about my future here....

New week

And this too shall pass. 

Brand new day, brand new hope, brand new wishes, brand new fulfillment. 

It's the start of a new week and I hope that it will infinitely be a better one than the week before. 

Onward we go. Jiayou!

Drama Morning

Little Baby's face and torso was covered in rashes. Went to the doc and discovered it was a common rash called Roseola which appears in children after a bout of high fever or fever that lasts several days.

Anyway, at least now I know that high irritability and crankiness is associated this condition. At least I now know the reason behind her extreme crankiness and crabbiness. Just a shake of my head or a "no" from me is enough to start a tantrum or hissy fit.

================
Came back from the doc with my father-in-law. Thank goodness he was with me.

Opened the door to see my helper, who arrived the previous afternoon, covered in sweat, breathless and pale. She had apparently felt giddiness and had vomitted 3 times.

FIL brought her to the doc while I stayed at home to look after Little Baby.

================
I already had my hands full and then an SMS came.

From the boss. $#%^#$^$#

Asking me to submit something to him by Monday and to discuss another issue with him on the same day. I told him I would not be around in office on Monday.

His reply?

"Just get it done by Mon and send something to me."

NB. $#@%$#%^%#$

And so now, Friday night close to midnight,  I am sitting on my balcony trying to concentrate and settle this piece of work. It is a tedious work item though. I fell asleep in the afternoon while attempting to work on it....

下雨了

也没想到能耐到今天才哭。原本以为两天前就会哭。还算不错啦哈哈。

哭了，放出来了，也该坚强多一点吧美金。

话

有时候很多话想说，但对方不在，话也就渐渐地流失了。

有时候，试着把话藏在心里或记在脑海里，但终于等到对方出现时，也突然发觉原来话已经被忘掉了。

有时候，或许把话写下来会比较好，但写字条还算是健康的交流和勾通方式吗？

今天有好多话想说。

this week

Many things happening within a single week.
Many discussions which have yet to take place.
Some chats/discussions I am not looking forward to.

累了。
不过路还是要走。

bits and bytes

Exasperation
Desperation
And
Mainly Sadness

Is what you feel

When your child cries uncontrollably for almost 2 whole hours and you can't seem to provide much comfort to her.

========
Little Baby
Jiayou Jiayou

Mama and Dada will jiayou with you too.

========
Motherhood

is when you keep going on
even when you lack the energy to.

========
Tummy feels a little strange now.
I hope Little Baby didn't pass anything to me.

Lost in my dream again

Little Baby caught the fever bug yesterday. Cranky the entire day and during the night, she woke several times.

In between the short hour long sleep I had between 2 of her wakings, I think I had a dream....
Same theme of being lost.

Just that this time round it wasn't in a hostel setting or a university campus setting.

I just....can't....seem to.....remember the details...and who it was with me in the dream.
Though I clearly remembered the dream in full when I just woke from it.

Mama

There are good days and there are bad days.

There are days when I feel like I am doing a shitty job as a mother.
There are days when I feel like I'm a supermom with 8 hands and 8 feet.
There are days when I question whether I am doing the right thing as a mother.

There are other days when Little Baby makes me feel like I'm on top of the world and that I'm her one and only hero.
And there are other days when she makes me feel like an insignificant person rejected by her.

There are times when I feel so exasperated and tired and spent that I just want to flop down and cry my heart out.
There are other times when I feel like I'm an energiser bunny running on nothing but love and adrenaline.

There are days I feel absolutely ugly with panda eyes, snot, sweat, bits of food and saliva slathered on me, hair in a mess of a ponytail and spectacles askew on my face.
There are other days when I manage to doll myself up a little and hence feel that little bit better about my appearance.

There are times during the night when I try to haul my groggy pregnant self out of bed because she woke and called out for me.
There are also times when I drag my feet going to her room.
There are other times when I tell myself to hang in there. She is young only once. There will come a day when she does not even want you by her side that much.

There are situations when I lose my patience and my temper and everything else in between.
There are other situations when I hold myself back, telling myself to count to 10 and be more patient and not to fly off the handle so fast. She is just 18 months once. She is just 19 months once.

There are times when I feel guilty for enrolling her in infant care and childcare or leaving her with the inlaws.
There are those others times during the weekend that I relish spending the full day with her, although I do get frustrated with her boundless energy sometimes haha.

Polarisations.
And a rollercoaster of emotions, thoughts, feelings throughout this entire motherhood journey so far.

Whatever it is, I'm doing, trying, giving my best.
As most other mothers are too. 

A pat on my back she gave me this morning when I was carrying her.
It seemed like an acknowledgement.
"Mama, you're doing ok."
"Mama, jiayou."

I am 8 days late but.....
Happy Mother's Day to me....:)

Everyday is Mother's Day, no?

Mothers' Day Art and Craft Session at Learning Vision

It was her school's Mothers' Day art and craft session. I wonder why they held it after Mother's Day itself but oh well, I still appreciated being given the opportunity to be present there and to be a part of her school activity.

I hope she had fun as much as I did :)

I asked her to smile for me but she made faces instead and this was what I captured lol. 

failed attempt! haha.

I was a little disappointed yesterday evening.

I scooted off from work 40mins earlier, without telling my boss, because I wanted to get back to my inlaws' place earlier so I could bring the little girl back home to spend more time with her.

I was happy when leaving their place at 7pm. I thought to myself "This is great! I'll get to spend at least an hour or more with her before she falls asleep."

My happiness lasted all of 10mins. She got cranky in the car on the journey back home, rubbed her eyes furiously and alternated between bouts of screaming and kicking and of tenderly laying her head on my shoulder to attempt to sleep.

When FIL dropped me off at the carpark, she was already hugging me, with her head on my left shoulder and falling asleep.

By the time I got upstairs to the apartment, it was 712pm. And she was half asleep.
By 7:15pm, she was in her bed hugging her favourite bolster and snoozing, with little sighs emanating from her from time to time.

Bleah, so in the end, I didn't get to spend time with her afterall.

The good thing was that she slept for 11 hours straight without waking, except for a brief 10 mins when I woke her slightly to feed her milk.
A miracle in itself. She's never done that before I think!

It's back again

I have a recurring dream theme.
It usually is about me getting lost and trying to find my way, either in a university hostel setting or a university school campus setting. Sometimes I am with someone else in the dream and together we try to find our way, sometimes I am alone. Rarely is K with me whenever I have these dreams.

I had one such dream last night, or rather, around 5-plus or 6am this morning.

This time, K was with me. While we didn't take too long to find the hostel room assigned to me, I took a long time instead trying to figure out which key it was that could open the door to the room. I remembered holding a bunch of different types of keys in my hand, and fumbling through them while K waited next to me.

By the time we got into the room, we were tired and just crashed onto the dusty bed to sleep. I woke earlier than him and I remembered noticing that the room was located right next to a hawker centre so I could smell char kway teow, chye tow kueh and other local delights being cooked. The air in the room was dusty, oily, musty all at the same time.

I remember recoiling at the sight of the dirty hostel room toilet, which came attached to the room.
I had no choice but to use it as is though because my bladder was almost bursting. I held my breath and balanced precariously in my flip flops on the toilet floor. I was done quickly but before I could flush the toilet, I heard a tiny muffled voice from outside the room door.....

"Mama.....mama".

And that was how the dream ended.

The little girl had woken and was calling out for me from her room...while babbling some other undecipherable words...

The clock read 610am.

Bummed

Sometimes I feel a little bummed.

That I only get to see Little Baby for an hour (or less) in the mornings from Mon to Fri.
And that out of this limited time, more than half the time is spent trying to get her ready for school and trying to get myself ready for work.
On days like this morning, I only got to see her for 20mins.
From the time I woke her and dressed her, to the time we got her out of the door, it was 20mins flat.
Some hurried kisses, some stolen hugs, some liberal slobbering (of me on her cheeks), some amount of me carrying her.

Some reluctant waving and goodbye kisses from me. 
Her big eyes looked a little forlorn and bewildered.
More goodbye waves from me, with a promise of "Mama will see you this evening ok!"

And then poof.
She was gone.

Us into a waiting cab. To go to work.
She into my inlaws' car. To go to school.

The feel of her soft skin still lingers on my lips.
The feel of her thick hair still lingers on my cheeks.
The feel of her tiny, tubby fingers reaching out and grabbing my hand still lingers on my fingers.
The smell of her babyness still lingers in my nose.
The sound of her calling out "Mama, mama!" still lingers in my ears.
The sound of her feet pitter-pattering on the floor still lingers in my mind.


Sometimes I feel a little bummed.

That I only get to see or spend time with Little Baby for an hour (or less) in the evenings from Mon to Fri.
On good days, it will be an hour or so.
On most days, it is just 30 to 45minutes.
Some days, it is just a mere 10-15minutes before she falls asleep while I bring her home from the inlaws' place.

Sometimes I feel a little bummed.

And I am sure K feels the same way.
Especially when most weekday nights he doesn't get to see her, unless I call him on FaceTime.

Is this the agony of working parents? Of those working parents who hold a 9 to 6pm full-time job?

Monday morning sighs

Could do without the extra worries and effort trying to get other caregivers to be on the same path of thinking as us and to adhere to the parameters we have set...

I'm grateful for the help given. But sometimes...sigh. 

========

The little girl is refusing to change clothes in the mornings since last week. Always results in some measure of struggle, fussing, fighting and crying before she gets changed. 

Hope it gets better soon. 

It's been a stressful time for her with the transition from infant care to toddler class. 

Bus rides

This is the second time something like this has happened to me.

Erm I'm seated on the bus and now that there're more people than seats, people are standing. There's a guy in front of me. 

In tight jeans.

And his fly is undone. 

Erm but I can't tell him....at least not in front of so many people? 

Err...

.....no words

Swallow. Breathe in. Breathe out. Swallow.

忍气。

Swallowing my words as well. 

Down but hanging in there

When the going gets tough

The tough gets going

But....I'm just a whiny wimpy woman. 

So how?

Suck thumb and cry?

Or give myself a pat on the back once in awhile to remind myself that I'm still doing ok?

Or give myself other reminders that sometimes I need not expect too much of myself? 

Or fuck care everything? (Knowing myself, this probably won't fly)

Or.....

A small liberation of sorts

On half day PM leave today. 

Been quite awhile since I did this. 

Feels quite liberating actually haha. I left office with a smile on my face. :)

Wish I could do this more often but I need to ration my leave and save them for use later on after I deliver. 

bubble simmer bubble simmer

Frustrations over certain issues.

Do I try to silently accept the things I cannot change or for which I have no control over?
Do I try to change my own mindset instead?

I have tried changing my own mindset for an issue and was pretty okay with it.....till tiredness crept in and sort of brought me back to square one.

I will try my best not to let these frustrations morph into resentment.
Because I am afraid when it does, I will become an unhappy person, more morose and negative than the dark me already is.

Oh bugger, is this causing more wrinkles?

Thank you Uncle....

Thank you cab uncle, for noticing my discomfort and the fact that I was feeling abit down, and for initiating a chat with me. 

You cheered me up alot and for that I am thankful.

I did not manage to get your name but you can be sure you have touched my heart and left an impression on me, however fleeting our connaissance was.

Thank you again and I wish you well.
Drive safe on this rainy rainy Wednesday morning.

Hurrah!

I am feeling really happy.
Many good news and celebratory events happening this year to both K and my closest friends.

TH - just got married and got their flat all done up already
PQ - her princess is arriving today!
Ding - going to propose within the next month or two and who knows? maybe a recep or banquet will be coming very soon!
Ah pui - Wedding banquet at the end of this year
Ms Tan - just received news that her bf proposed to her last month, they are getting the keys to their flat this Thursday and a wedding recep will be held by the end of this year!

Keep the good news coming....:)
Whee!

Peanut

Peanut seems a pretty strong baby. I could feel its kicks when it was only 3 months plus into gestation and now at 4.5 months I can actually see my tummy move when it gives one of its stronger kicks.

Grow well Teeny Baby. 

That's what K calls it. I'll stick to Peanut. Lesser syllables haha. 

Food glorious food

This mama seems to have done something right with the little one's food menu this weekend. She finished most of her food and said they were nice when I asked her. My fussiest critic has given me her marks of approval! Lol...

Friday: 

Rice with chicken stew. There were onions, garlic, carrots, potato, chinese white cabbage and radish in the stew. 

She finished the entire portion of rice I gave her plus the stew. When I asked her whether it was nice, she nodded and drawled "nice....". My heart soared lol.

Saturday:

Fried rice with egg, long beans and potato. Her reaction was more lukewarm compared to the chicken stew but at least she took most of whatever portion I had scooped out for her. :) 

Sunday:

Baby pasta in minestrone soup. In a bid to keep things interesting for the sake of variety and to expose her to different types of food and preparation styles, I ventured into the unknown and made minestrone soup for the first time in my entire life. I had discovered that she seemed to like tomato sauce/paste and decided to try making minestrone. I added tomatoes, long beans, onions, garlic, carrots and celery. I had bought zucchini as well but decided at the last moment not to add it in as there seemed to be too much ingredients already. After I gave her her first spoonful, she asked for more. I was so happy! 

This mama's a happy lark. :D

Now on to planning for her food menu for next weekend...Hmm....shepherd's pie? Kway teow soup? Fried mee sua? 

Digital oil painting

Progress has been made on the digital oil painting piece.....

The unfortunate thing is that the blue paint given for the boy's clothes is all dried up!! I'll see what I can do....

Previously

The Lord's Prayer

Reminder to self to also keep this prayer close to heart. 

Our Father who art in heaven,

Hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come,

Thy will be done,

On earth as it is in heaven. 

Give us this day our daily bread,

And forgive us our sins,

As we forgive those who have sinned against us. 

Lead us not into temptation,

But deliver us from evil.

For thine is the kingdom,

And the power,

And the glory.

Forever and ever.

Amen. 

Ohm

Sometimes certain things are "in your face" and grate on your nerves after awhile. 

And you can't really do anything about it. 

I should tell myself to suck it up.  

Maybe an excerpt from the serenity prayer would help....

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

Ol' Blue Eyes

I knew it wasn't that brilliant an idea but I still chose to have Frank Sinatra accompany me at work this morning. I haven't been as productive as I would have liked haha. I ended up googling his images and reading up a little on parts of his life.

Amazing talent. They don't come by in such packages these days no more...

Monday morning

Starting the work week missing the little girl. Enough said. :(

Talk. Chat. Talk Somemore

For some reason people seem to like talking to me today.

My boss stopped by at my desk and "regaled" me with stories from his yesteryears in a time when people still used office boys to send memos from one level to another level of the office. That took 30-45mins.

A colleague stopped by my desk as well and we spoke about both work and non-work stuff. That took another 15-20mins.

I was then waylaid by a lady from another division located on the same floor, while on my way to the washroom. That took almost 30mins.

Ok, there goes my efficiency for the day.
Zilch!

Deeds

One does not need to do one big good deed to feel happy. Undertaking several small nice deeds each day also makes one feel good. If each of us did one or two nice deeds a day, everyday, I think the world would really be a nicer and happier place. :)

One small nice deed for today:
Bringing back (from the front of the queue) some of the metal tongs used for selecting food items for a yong tau foo meal.

I think the 3 ladies behind me in the yong tau foo stall today were pleasantly surprised. Well, at least they sounded quite surprised when I brought back the food tongs from where they had been left off at the front of the queue, took one for myself and passed the rest to them. They unanimously all said "oh wah, thank you!"

Lol, that put a smile on my face.

At least, they were appreciative.

Unlike some people who don't bother acknowledging me or thanking me when I hold the lift doors open for them.....Oh well, it does take time for us as a people to become more polite and friendly I suppose?

What other small deeds can one do to make someone else happy and also bring happiness to yourself? Hmm...holding the door open, bringing back your colleague's printout from a faraway printer, making a cup of milo for a colleague having the sniffles, etc....

Painting

I bought a digital painting kit from qoo10 a month or two back.

I've been wanting to try it out and well I finally did it tonight. Essentially its a mini canvas printed with an outlined image. Spaces within the image are numbered and you are given different coloured paints with are numbered correspondingly to the spaces. So you just match the colour to the numbered space and then paint away.....no brainer really but it does take patience to paint within the lines. The paintbrush given is a fine one so you can manoeveur it around all the curved outlines.  I think my fingers are still pretty deft and nimble haha. 

Painting in progress.....will probably take awhile since I can't afford too much time each time I paint...:) 

Breathe in, breathe out

It gets to me. It still does.

Is it because I'm more sensitive and emotional lately? Or because I'm more tired so I let things get to me more easily. 

I hope it doesn't show on my face too much when things happen and I feel irked. 

忍一时风平浪静

1.5years already. 

Sorry Mr Snail

I am usually careful when waking along this particular path, especially after a bout of rain. Why? Because snails usually venture out onto this particular path. 

I was mighty tired this evening and the only thought on my mind was to get to the bus-stop so I could go home. I wasn't concentrating on the ground. 

And then I heard a sickening cracking sound from underfoot. I knew instantly I just killed a snail. 

I looked down and there it was, not entirely crushed because I held back instinctively the moment I heard the sound and felt something beneath my foot. 

But its shell was damaged enough and I don't think it would survive much longer.

Sigh. 

Sorry Mr Snail. 

我不是故意的。

:( 

Lawyers

I do generalise sometimes.

Like when I think of lawyers, I usually expect someone witty, articulate, eloquent, smart, with an acid tongue when needed, assertive and possibly adversarial when needed, firm, cool and calm, imposing sometimes, generally you feel assured with them, etc.......you get the drift. And they usually speak in a certain calculated manner.

So far, most of the lawyers (old or young, experienced or fresh, partner or associate) I have seen, met or interacted with, whether in casual or formal situations, fit into the above descriptions.

The lawyer I saw yesterday however, sort of fell out of the above descriptions. He was a senior associate. After being in a meeting with him for 3 hours, somehow the word that came to my mind to describe him was "ditzy".

My own internal legal counsel was in the same meeting and today she shared with me that she felt the same way haha.

He was mainly taking notes of the meeting but did throw in some jibes and smart aleck jokes during the course of the meeting, sometimes while his colleague, a senior partner of their law firm, was talking. After making what he thought was a smartass remark, he would look around soliciting laughter or smiles from people....but um...to no avail.

Maybe I might change my mind about him when I interact more with him in the future.

He has been put in charge of the issues my company has assigned to their law firm, under the supervision of his senior partner. Right now, I can only keep my fingers crossed that he will do a good job with the tasks assigned to him.

Mdm Ong

In all my years of taking cabs, which means about 16 years or so, I don't think I've ever had such an enjoyable ride as the one I had yesterday evening.

Thank you Mdm Ong Sok Hwa.

You really made my day yesterday and perked me up so much.

I was having a headache, feeling tired and wanted to get back to the inlaws' place earlier to fetch Little baby who wasn't feeling well. I put in a Grabtaxi request and Mdm Ong responded.

From the moment I got on her cab, we sort of started chatting. All the way. We chatted in an easy and natural mix of Mandarin, English and Hokkien. Nevermind that my head was throbbing. She was such an easy person to speak to and a pretty cool mum. She was probably in her 50s and referred to herself as a "21st century open-minded mum" haha. I was only a year older than her eldest son.

She told me about her 3 kids and their love relationships. I could tell she was a proud mum. She told me about her Indonesian helper who had been with her and her family for 28 years. I shared some stories with her as well. We had open laughs and genuine guffaws.

When I reached my destination, we actually ended up chatting a whole 10 minutes more. Lol...I could hear her phone beep with incoming GrabTaxi requests but she waved them off and said "Later still can get business, talk to you first." So sweet haha.

She called it fate that we could click so well with each other. She also described me as being "chu bee", which means friendly and likeable/approachable in Hokkien.

When we finally parted ways, she wished me well for the pregnancy, and shared some confinement tips with me.

What can I say? It was such a random encounter. But one which left such a deep impression on me.
Perhaps it really is fate that someone like that pops into your life, albeit fleetingly, and touches your heart and makes you feel better.

Nayda at 18 Months

Little Baby turned 18mths old on 9 Apr 2015.

Weight: 10.7kg (75th percentile)

Length: 80cm (50th percentile)

Teeth: 2 stubby lower front incisors and 2 stubby upper front incisors (all are stubby because they seem to grow out halfway and just stop there) and another 2 on each side of the lower front incisors.


Motor Skills

• I should say that it's pretty good now, though she still trips over her own feet from time to time.
• She can pick up tiny things quite easily.

Cognitive/Emotional Development

• Still throws a hissy fit when you take something away from her or when you don't give her what she wants. But you can reason it out with her sometimes.
• She's a stubborn one.

Communication/Social Skills 

• Speaks alot more now, I think her speech vocabulary count is around 70-80 words and she understand alot more words than that.
• Understands 2-part instructions like "Pick up your shoes and then give them to Dada"
• Still insists on having me put her to bed and insists on having me soother her back to sleep if she wakes in the middle of the night. (which explains my zombie-like state on most days)
• Knows how to identify plastic packaging or used tissue as rubbish and then helps me throw them into the dustbin. (yay, save my energy of walking to the dustbin on my own!)
• Loves music and sometimes insists on us turning on the radio. 
• Knows some words to certain songs like the alphabet song, the happy birthday song, row your boat, etc.

Food

• We are now giving her adult food. We cook our meals on the weekends and she eats what we eat. I try to cook healthier and less oily stuff for obvious reasons. I also need to consider sometimes that she only has a few teeth and can't chew harder or more fibrous stuff like asparagus....If we head out to restaurants, she gets to try the food there too. .
• She has not been introduced to chilli or spicier stuff yet though. Akan datang. This Peranakan mama wants her daughter to be able to eat chilli haha. 

Parenting

I need to control my temper, patience and emotions more.

Especially now when Little Baby is not so little anymore and is slowly exploring the world around her, its boundaries and limits, and discovering her own assertiveness and insistence.

Dinnertime yesterday started out peaceful and was smooth-sailing till the point when she decided to spit out her food. I thought she was full already even though she had only had a few mouthfuls of food. But for some reason she asked for more food and so I gave her more, only to have her spit the food out again and again. It was a game to her and I guess she was testing limits. I firmly reprimanded her and she responded by grabbing the bowl and spoon. She also managed to grab a fistful of mee sua, squished it between her fingers and was going to smear the food on the sofa in the living room.

I scolded her and then I snapped. And gave her a hard smack on her thigh. It was the hardest smack I’d ever given to her. It left red prints on her thigh. She was momentarily stunned and in the second moment she started bawling her eyes out.

I left her crying on the sofa, cleared up the food mess and walked away to cool myself down.

Went back to her 2-3 minutes later and she’d stopped sobbing by then. I was a lot calmer and she was distracted by a toy then. I felt bad to have left a mark on her skin. I held her hand and she squeezed my fingers. I gave her a hug and she rubbed her face on me. All was forgiven.

She might have forgotten the pain of the smack but I could not forget the rage and frustration I had felt at that point in time when I smacked her.

Learning point:

I need to control my temper, patience and emotions better. Also, now that I have the benefit of hindsight, one thing I should have done was to explain to her why I did what I did. It was a teachable moment and I missed the opportunity. Nevermind, move on. Just need to bear these in mind. There will be other incidents and teachable moments in the future.

Food for thought:

How could I have handled the situation better? Besides losing it and smacking her, would talking to her and reasoning it out with her have helped? While she is only 18 months old, she seems relatively more mature and mentally/emotionally developed compared to some of her peers, her teachers have said so too.

Further thoughts:

Parenting is a constant learning journey. A period of self-discovery for the parents as well. There’s a long way ahead for all of us, including Little Baby. May we all grow and develop ourselves into better beings in time to come.

Kindness was bestowed upon me and I am grateful

I'm a pretty passive person and won't ask for someone to give up their seat for me. It doesn't help that I am at the awkward not-here-not-there stage where people can't tell I'm just fat or really expecting.

I stood for several bus stops, knowing actually that once I hit Vivocity another 3 stops away, more people would get down and then I would be able to get a seat. 

But then a kind lady noticed me and gestured for me to go over. She gave her seat to me and gave me the sweetest and friendliest smile ever. She was probably in her 30s as well and totally reminded me of Diana, having that same sweet and endearing nature. 

My heart melted and I accepted the seat gratefully. 

Meanwhile, the men who were seated around me continued to sleep......

Bummer

I cried. 

At 3am last night. Or rather, early this morning. 

More out of frustration than anything. 

The lack of sleep and regular interruptions to whatever sleep I have left have affected my work performance. 

I am easily distracted at work. I can't concentrate well. I read 2-3 sentences and then I can't register much else after that. I can't think properly and I end up procrastinating on certain issues. Now my plate has piled up. Brought it upon myself. 

I don't like this. I used to churn out good work that I was proud of. Now I feel like I am just doing enough to keep myself afloat, just barely above he water's surface. 

Not good at all. I don't like this.

K says I need at least a week's break. I don't have this luxury at the moment.

A letter

Dear Coll,

If you claim you are very busy and cannot possibly deliver a particular paper by the end of May, then don't go for long lunches or don't read the newspaper after you get back from a shorter lunch lor. I thought that was simple logic? And also, how come you can go for 1.5hrs lunch but then your staff cannot ah?

Sighs,
Your colleague.

Church, Granny and Family...

There was a period of time when I cried very easily whenever I popped into Holy Family Church. It didn't matter whether I was attending mass or not, I'd find myself tearing up whenever I started praying and looking at the stained glass feature piece of Mother Mary. 

I'm glad I was more in control of myself this afternoon. I did tear up a little but that was that. Nothing too overwhelming.

Have I grown older? 

Anyway, Dad, Mum, Adrian, Ah Gor and I  spent some time doing our own prayers, in memoriam of Granny on her first death anniversary. 

I thought it was a cosy familial thing to do and I quite appreciated the outing. Cosy and intimate, yet each of us had our own private prayer session, our own time with Granny and our own time with God. 

Nevermind that 3 out of 5 of us are non-Catholics and 1 of us is only a silent non-practicing Catholic. I think we were all sincere and our prayers were heartfelt. 

I love my family. 

*wails*

It has to be true. Expectant mothers get more forgetful, clumsy and blur. And did I say clumsy already?

I scraped my knee against a piece of furniture this morning. There was a sharp pain and when I looked down at the offending furniture, to my utmost horror, a piece of my skin was on it. 

Needless to say, the wound, though not a big size, started bleeding almost immediately . :( 

The little girl was pretty inquisitive about the piece of plaster I had put over the wound after that and kept picking at it. Bah. 

Bathing brought a further sting to the wound. 

Just whining. 

But.

Me want TLC.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow will be a day of mixed emotions I think.

Heading out for brunch to celebrate K's birthday in advance. With his family.

Then in the afternoon I would be heading over to Holy Family Church with my family. A simple memorial of sorts, for my Granny's first year death anniversary.

I hope I won't cry too much. The sadness is still hidden somewhere within.

Those hormones, Those emotions

Out of whack.
Out of sync.
Tired?

Tears spring forth.
Easily.
Tumultuous?

And go away.
Just as quickly.
Harried? 

Crests.
And boughs.
Undulating?

Fears. Hopes.
And worries.
Too much?

Take a break.
From everything.
Yearning?

Love

You were once a wee fragile tot.

Now you're running around and commanding me to do things. How time flies. Mama loves you. A lot a lot a lot. 

Listening vs Dispensing Advice

Do you offer advice the moment someone talks to you about something? 

Do you stop to think and try to ascertain if the person is just trying to find a listening ear or is the person really trying to seek help and guidance? 

Do you impose your thoughts and ideals on that person before the person even has the chance to ask "what do you think?" 

I have said this before and I probably sound like a broken record now. But I guess this is something I feel strongly about. 

Don't assume that when someone talks to you about something, that he or she is seeking advice. He or she could probably just be seeking a listening ear and only wanting get things off their chest. Maybe the last thing they want is another person telling him or her what to do or how to do it or how to handle things. 

So listen first, stay neutral and don't be too quick to dispense advice, well intentioned or not. 

Reminder to myself too...

The 38 Lady

I was forced into a "small talk" conversation a few days ago at work. It quickly morphed into a chat session I wanted out of. 

The other party was a lady from another division on the same floor as I was. I usually kept my distance and only said hi and bye to her or at the most "the weather's hot these days". While I knew she had a penchant for gossip and constantly had her radar up for more news and rumors, I didn't know that she also had a manipulative and slightly malicious streak in her. 

At least not till that day when she "cornered" me into the conversation. She must have been desperate to find someone to listen to her. Either that or she was eager to share with the world her findings on a pair of colleagues from the same floor as us who were supposedly having an affair. Both are married. 

I have been pretty "anti-social" in recent years. I keep in my corner in the office and don't engage in deeper conversations with others. Unless I manage to find someone I am really comfortable with and whom I trust. This has turned out to be only about 3-4 people out of 100-odd folks on my floor. 

I digressed. So anyway, Because I stay in my own corner of the office, I had not even heard about the supposed affair till she mentioned it to me. 

She was speaking in a pretty self-righteous manner and maintained her position that those two colleagues were immoral and bad and yada yada...she must have expected me to concur with her. She looked at me expectantly through her babbling monologue. I refused to be goaded into any sort of position or comment which took sides and chose to remain neutral. 

She tried to bait me into taking a stand and offered more details like how she stalked the couple together with a few other colleagues from her division. Inwardly, I rolled my eyes at this. Like wtf? If they want to be in an affair, it's their business. Nothing gives you the right to do such sleuthing!

I was exasperated at this point and felt like giving her a slap. It's one thing that you are excitedly and passionately spreading news about this couple, it's another thing altogether to poke your nose into their privacy. Whether they are right or wrong it's not up to us to judge. You don't know the full background to the whole situation as well so don't go standing on high moral ground and preaching about morality when you have been doing not-so-right things too. 

Of course, I didn't voice out the above thoughts to her. 多一事不如少一事. I just maintained my neutral position and did not proffer much else. I guess that's the best way to deal with gossipmongers. 

She eventually ended the conversation. She must have been disappointed that she did not get much concurrence or reaction from me. 

I just hope that I don't bump into her anytime soon again. A wide berth I will give her. 

Proud Mama

Little Baby is progressing well. She can fill in some words (or should I say letters) to the alphabet song now. She caught K & I by surprise last night when I tested the song on her...

Me: a b c d e f g......
N: *starts swaying to the tune"
Me: h i j k l m n o......*pause*
Nadya: pee......
Me: q r s t u....*pause*
N: vee.....
Me: w x y and.....*pause*
N: zee.......
Me: Now you know your ABCs, next time won't you sing with......*pause*
N: mee........

And she hits the right notes too...
Wondering if I can get the chance to take a video of her doing this...:)

She's proving to be quite strong in rhythm and music....and she likes dance as well...
She likes to colour with crayons too...although it is just messy scribbles and squiggly lines now...

This little one's going the artistic route I think...

Might be a good idea to start looking at music and movement enrichment classes for her for when she reaches 2 or 3 years of age....and see if she's interested in taking it further next time....

Conversations with a 17.5 month-old

This happened during one of the brief interludes between 2 cranky episodes.

Nadya: Pain pain.
Me: Pain pain? Where? Show mama.
N: *points to mouth*
Me: Nana's teeth pain pain is it?
N: Uhh. (yes)
Me: Nana's teeth pain pain is it? Yes or no?
N: Yes.

Her fever was no more by the time Saturday and Sunday came. We checked her palms and soles of her feet regularly and there were no red spots, rashes or anything.

We could only conclude that she is teething and the pain of her ivories cutting through her gums is causing her much discomfort and pain.


p/s: Nana is our pet name for her and she calls herself this too.

Jiayou

Kinda tired. Because of various things...

1. The state of my body constitution now and the physical changes it is going through.

2. I've teared up and cried umpteen times over this last week while reading through articles on LKY and watching videos related to him.

3. Little Baby was sick on Friday. She recovered quickly but was extremely cranky on Saturday and Sunday. She woke several times each night as well, an average of 4 times each night. During her cranky episodes (which was pretty often over the last 2 days) she would cry and scream at her top of her lungs and she only wanted Mama to carry or hold her. My back and arms ached badly at times and when I passed her to K so I could catch my breath and get some respite, she'd only scream louder and try to reach out for me while screaming "Mama! Mama! Mama!". And so after a minute of this, back to my arms she would go....

4. The thought (and action of) going back to work on Monday morning....is enough to make me feel tired haha.

Mid-day Wishes.........

I draft emails for my boss when it pertains to a certain scope of work.
Draft them directly for him in such a way that I am speaking/writing in his voice. Send them to him. He makes perhaps 10-15% worth of amendments and then sends them out. Sometimes he doesn't even amend them and replies others with my drafted reply.

I think through the policy positions and responses in order to draft these responses. Sometimes he does not even know certain consequences of different approaches till I highlight the nuances to him and explain to him why I drafted some emails in a certain way.

I sometimes do feel like I am doing this piece of his job for him.

Hmm.....can I request that he share part of his salary and recognition with me?
Well, at least the portion pertaining to this particular area of work. Afterall, he gets the glory but I am the workhorse behind him.

The LKY Procession

I think no one was really working much this morning in my office. I thought it was amusing. 

My floor usually bustles with activity. You can hear discussions going on, tele-conversations going on, people typing furiously at the laptops, people going in and out of meeting rooms, etc.

This morning, it was a hush as most folks were glued to the TV screen, our 2 biggest bosses included. (p/s: They are the 3rd and 4th biggest bosses in the entire agency by the way haha).
Most of us were gathered at the pantry area where the common TV was playing out the live scene of LKY's casket being transported from the Sri Temasek house at the Istana over to the Parliament House for the public to pay their respects. Some others couldn't squeeze in to get a good view and chose to watch the live stream over the Internet instead.

Mr Lee Kuan Yew

Lee Kuan Yew's passing has had a strangely deep impact on me.
I found myself tearing up many a time yesterday, on the day of his passing, while reading through many articles on him and tributes to him.

I can't say I personally witnessed how he transformed Singapore from a fledgling 3rd world country to a world-class one, because when I was born, the country was already doing relatively well. But I have seen how my parents and especially my grandmother revered and respected him. They were the ones who have seen first-hand how the country was transformed and built up almost from scratch by Mr Lee and his comrades. 

Perhaps that is how I developed a deep respect for the man as well, through their reverence of him. And why I feel sad at his passing. Perhaps I am currently more emotional than usual as well. Perhaps his passing comes too close to the first anniversary of my granny's own passing. Perhaps I am just caught up in the media flurry.

But anyway, thank you Mr Lee, for without the tenacity, foresight and spirit of you and your peers all those decades ago, we would not have the Singapore we have today. We would not have the clean and safe streets, the greenery and parks, the solid education system and first-world healthcare.

Rest in peace.
I hope you are reunited with Mrs Lee and the two of you are strolling hand-in-hand again, amongst the cempaka trees in heaven.

Time, Family, Work

It is necessary though for most families in Singapore these days to be dual-income with both parents working and K and I are no different.

But I do not want to become only a weekend parent. At least I hope I won't morph into one.

So I  try to make it a point to go home on time every working day (sometimes to the extent of shutting down my laptop even while my boss is talking to me, just so he gets the point) so that I can get to spend that hour or two with Little Baby in the evening before she goes to bed.

And even then I feel like as if we are not spending enough time with her. And not showing her enough of this world. Hmm...how ah?

The idea of a part-time work arrangement is still very much at the back of my mind. Maybe not in the next 1-2 years but perhaps sometime after that? When the kids are older and moving into primary school.

I don't know. So many expenses to take care of and the home to continue paying for.

Nadya

The little girl can be quite entertaining these days, what with her antics, cheeky smile and baby babbles. Her enthusiastic responses when we ask her if she wants cheese, her dance routines whenever she hears music, her wide-legged toddles and her goofiness never fail to make us smile or laugh.

And of course, it takes great effort (well, at least for me) to keep a straight face if I am in the midst of disciplining her and then she flashes me a goofy cheeky smile or does something silly action.

Grow up well Little Baby.
Dada and Mama love you lots!

Canto

I had it in my mind to learn and pick up Cantonese eons ago.
And I have not managed to do it yet. :(

Listening to a classic Cantonese song from Hacken Lee  - 月半小夜曲

But I have only been able to hum along or voice out one or two words here and there. :(

Sek Teng Xiu Xiu, Mm Sek Gong.
(Can understand a little, don't know how to speak)

Mint? Not Mint?

My new colleague is an avid gardener and knows his stuff. He can rattle off plant names, plant species and sometimes the scientific family name of the plant type a particular plant comes from.

So when my mint plant started overgrowing its pot, I naturally offered him a cutting of it.

Gave it to him this morning.....and then chey!!!!

He told me that my plant was not a mint plant at all. It was a herb called Indian Borage.

And all these years I thought I was growing mint....-_-''

Bah.

And then I also discovered that there's actually a variegated version of the Indian Borage.
It looks absolutely gorgeous and I hope I can get my hands on it....But I have not seen it in the flower shops I go to....hmm...

Granny

Granny has been popping up in my mind quite a fair bit lately.

Sometimes it is because I stumbled across a lovely old photo of her.
Sometimes it is because I miss some of her cooking.
Sometimes it is because I see a small snippet about Peranakan culture in the news or on social media.
Sometimes it is because I pass by her nursing home.
And sometimes it is because her 1st year death anniversary is coming up in exactly a months' time.

I miss you Granny.
I miss your yellow rice and your potato chips.
I miss how you used to sing nursery rhymes to me when I was 4 years old and we were cuddling on the sofa.
I miss visiting you at the nursing home.
And I miss feeding you your mushy blended food when you could no longer chew.

They say time heals.
I don't think it ever heals. I think it just dulls more as we learn to live with it.

Thank you

Feeling a little queasy. I asked for a seat on the bus and managed to find one. It was the last available seat. 

Thank you God. 

爱心早餐

Egg and cheese sandwich made by K this morning for my breakfast. I usually prepare something to bring to work. He made me my fav sandwich. :)

The pic doesn't do it (and him) justice though haha. 

Oh well.

That awkward period has come early this time.
When people speak with you and their eyes start darting somewhere else.

Oh well.

I shall elaborate later.

ninja? not....

All parents find that at some point in time, they have actually morphed into pseudo ninjas.

• After the baby sleeps, you tiptoe past the cot and make a dash out of the baby's room.
• After the baby shifts its attention away from you for that split second, you grab your drink and gulp it all down to quench your parched throat and then put down the cup out of reach of the baby. Yes, within that few seconds. 
• After the baby gets distracted and you quickly keep its pacifier.
• When the baby is about to trip over something and you zip in front of it to clear the offending obstructing article from the ground.

I put Little Baby to bed each night. It used to be a more elaborate ritual where she would bounce all round in the cot before finally agreeing to lay her head down on her pillow or hug her bolsters.
These days, it is just several minutes of me either humming a particular lullaby or patting her back or stroking her hair or just being there in the room with her. Sometimes if I stop prematurely and think she's fallen asleep already, she would then remind me that she still wants me there. How? By turning around to face me with her eyes wide open haha.

Once she's fallen asleep, I'd then do an about turn and tiptoe out the room.

Just that.....

I don't make a very good ninja.

I have creaky knees.

And ankles.

And feet.

And I have no idea why.

So I end up taking a step and then pausing. Taking a second step and then pausing. Taking a third step *CREAK* and then pausing with bated breath to see if she stirred.

So instead of spending 4 seconds tiptoeing out the room, I'd end up spending much longer.

Ninja? Not really....*fail* haha...

precious moments

I had a medical check-up at SGH yesterday afternoon and it so happened that my Dad had his eye check-up as well. My mum was with him too and so we all met up for some tea before going home.

It’s times like these I treasure. Carefree and intimate moments with my dear and loved ones. Fully immersed in the moment and fully committed to the presence of the each other’s company. Much talk, much laughter. Some nagging (which is expected when you’re dealing with aging parents haha).

They were so sweet and sent me home by cab after that.

I love my laobeh and laobu. :)

prep talk

More adventurous and challenging times ahead. :)

Getting more emo the last few days and trying valiantly to keep a more balanced state of mind.

(Can't believe I bawled so much while watching a 10-minute SEA games infomercial on Fandi Ahmad's life story yesterday evening. -_-'')

So anyway, here's to keeping our heads up!
Onward we go and onward we charge!

Ganbatte!