Limbo. To-Do. Striking off.

Many work things are in limbo at the moment.
Things I want to get a hold on and finish up but can't seem to.
Projects big or small that I want to wrap up and move on from, but can't seem to.
And it's due to others e.g. the other party going MIA on me, or my boss not responding not me.
Or things are too complicated everyone is losing steam, or things that need to be done but have low priority but still need to be done and are eclipsed by other higher priority matters.

And so these work items end up still camping on my to-do list. More and more such stuff.
It's annoying when I cannot strike them off and move on fully to other things.
Because I cannot continue with these items, I have to start on other items.
And then I end up having many half-cooked items on the list.
There are things that have been squatting in my to-do list for 1.5yrs.
My list is turning into a slum.

And I'm hesitant and procrastinating on starting other items for FY20.
Because I don't the list to grow too large that I end up losing sight of stuff.

Rants. Rants.
Drats.

Resonation

"Anxiety and loneliness seem to be with me for life. I put alot of meaning on how I would work it out, but it seems like I have to study it for my entire life."

- Suga, BTS

6 May 20

Day 30 of the Circuit Breaker.
Wow, time passed so fast. Sunrise. Sunset. Ping! Another new day.

Mixed feelings.

Love that I'm getting more time with the kids and getting them to learn, and understanding where they are at in terms of their academic capabilities. On the other hand, they drive me nuts sometimes with their bickering and them not giving me space (to do my own stuff or sit with my own thoughts) even when I ask for some.

I love it that I'm working from home. No need to wake early to get prepped. No mad rush in the mornings to get the kids and myself ready. No time "wasted" on commute. More time for sleep...:) More flexibility. And of course, working from home means having more home-cooked food, which is good for my stomach...I don't like the juggling though haha. Sometimes there's too much of it. The constant need to switch the mind between work and home duties and teacher duties and child minding duties and other duties like responding to friends or colleagues who have reached out and checking in parents and in-laws...The lines blur too much and each aspect of life osmosizes together and then it becomes one big messy pool. I'd also bring the girls down for their daily outdoor time at 4-plus and then when I come home, I'd be clearing some more work, if needed, at 5-plus and 6-plus and/or 7-plus. Sometimes if there's no time....work will still be done at 9-plus.

Love it that I'm eating at home. Somehow feel more comfortable doing so. And getting to try outside food for 2 days a week when we order in for some variety. At times though haha...we aren't sure or run out of ideas on what to order. And then some monotony sets in.

Will CB be extended again? I don't know really...I forsaw the first extension. I'm leaning toward another extension at the moment. Let's see what the G says in time to come. Community cases are still not low enough...

Conversations with a 4.5yr old

This morning.

A: Mama! Here you go. For you!
Me: *reaches out my hand*
A: *drops a little piece of something onto my palm"
Me: What's this???!!!
A: My eyewax! Just for you! *big grin*

sigh.....lol.

==========
This is a little exchange we have sometimes.

Me: I love you alot alot alot alot alot alot alot!! You love me too?
A: Ya! I love you this big!! *stretches out her arms the widest possible*

Still gets me feeling warm and fuzzy each time, no matter how many times she does it.

Crumbs

Monday morning. The daily grind starts again!
WFH + HBL
A little rusty after the long weekend but still good...Nadya was a little whiny but got into it pretty soon too...
Then again...weekdays and weekends are all pretty blurred to me right now also....

==========
Water plum had a bumper bloom session over the last 3 days...the flowers are very fragrant but quite fragile as well. Heavy rain and strong winds these few days made at least 15-20 flowers and sometimes 30-over flowers drop each day...so sad...

Most flower buds are not forming or growing that fast anymore so I'll only get a few blooms each day over the next week or so....

==========
Moss rose is doing much better compared to a month ago. Many new shoots are forming after the tremendous trimming it underwent a few weeks ago to get rid of bugs.

This morning, I caught a big mealybug feasting on one new shoot with a new flower bud so I squashed it and squashed it and squashed it. Reminder to self to spray the moss rose with neem oil again.....

==========
Kids at home =
Crumbs on the floor =
Ants are happy =
Lizards are happy =
Mama not happy

of stomach and gum woes...

It is amazing how reflux or an imbalance in the gut brings me various types of discomfort...

• stomach cramps at times
• breathlessness at times
• a general lethargy which can be mild or strong
• upper stomach discomfort
• bloatedness
• diarrhoea at times
• chest discomfort
• throat/neck aches if the reflux gets quite bad 
• bitter taste in mouth, sometimes just on its own, sometimes when I burp
• irritability, when too many symptoms occur at the same time, or when a single symptom shows up strongly, or...just because

At times, it can be just 1 or 2 symptoms, at other times, it's a combination of different symptoms. 

I weaned myself off omeprazole over several months and I've been completely off it (finally) for the past 1 month and 1 week. I was happy that I had no major discomfort, perhaps helped by the fact that I am WFH now and having light home-cooked meals with soup almost everyday. 

Maybe the strong doses of antibiotics (for my gum infection) are putting pressure on my stomach. I couldn't sleep well last night due to stomach cramps. Certain sleeping positions made me feel worse. 

Woke this morning and resolved to manage the stomach well today. So far it's manageable and doesn't make me feel too horrid. 

Fingers crossed that all will be well. 

That my stomach will hold up and that my gum will heal soon so I don't have too feel too worried about it and I don't have to contend with chewing only on the right side of my teeth...

bits and pieces

I miss Mama, aka my granny. That's what we call her. More specifically, Ma3Ma2.
But then again, in these unique times, I'm glad she's not around and at risk of catching the virus.

I still remember in the week after she passed on, I kept seeing a small brown moth hovering around my room and Nadya's room, especially at night. Nadya was only 6 months old at the time. I've never seen a moth hang around for so long in the years since.

==========
A little woozy from the antibiotics. 2 different types taken at the same time so maybe it might be strong....

On the brighter side of things, maybe it'll get rid of some of the bacteria that was making my throat a little scratchy...:)

==========
Suddenly realised that 不知不觉 I've stopped spending time each day to list down things that I feel grateful and thankful for that day. And it's been for several months...oops. ;p

Made a conscious effort to do so last night before I slept..Initial goal was to list down 3 things but 不知不觉 again....it became a list of 6-7 items haha, some of which included...

1. Nadya didn't cry yesterday morning when doing her work
2. A dentist was willing to see me! Even though he wasn't allowed to provide any cleaning or scaling services.
3. I took an hour off work in the afternoon and witnessed Nadya riding a bike! She rode the pedal bike for the first time ever on Monday afternoon but I had not been around to see it...So yesterday when I was present, and K was assisting her, I managed to take videos of it! Yay, so proud of her...she'd only been using the balance bike for less than a month and suddenly she could ride the pedal bike already!
4. I have a good working relationship with ST. (spent almost whole day with her yesterday to discuss how to handle one messy customer-reseller-reseller-registrar-registry issue)

==========
Trying to see how I can make some hanging holders for the airplants....

Owwww...

Not a good time to get a gum infection.

Made 2-3 calls to a hapless, clueless, not very helpful and inexperienced receptionist at the usual dentist I go to for "emergencies". I was still rejected by her in the end and not allowed to go and see my dentist. Because apparently I can still chew on the other side of my mouth, and I can still sleep at night.

I asked her: "This is your criteria for determining whether or not I am allowed to go in to see your dentist? What if it's a gum infection and travels to my bloodstream and infects the rest of me?"

Her response: "Would you like to call another branch? The staff there are more experienced. But no, don't think it will infect your blood. Actually, I don't know. but I don't think so. Would you like to make an appointment for after CB ends?"

@#%#$&^%

Finally found another dentist willing to see me at Bedok Mall.

So yeah, I've an infection caused by leftover food particles which were not cleaned off properly. It's at the upper left corner, where the last molar and the wisdom tooth is at. Hard to reach, even with floss and interdentals....

The area around it is reddish which according to the dentist who saw me....was due to the fact that bacteria from the fermenting food had gotten into the bloodstream and infected the surrounding tissue...so not only the gum area was infected, part of the root of my mouth and another area near the back of my throat was also infected...

Given mouthwash and 2 different types of antibiotics. 2 different types because 1 was needed to protect my heart just in case it brings issue to my existing (minor) heart problem. To complete in 5 days. 2 types of antibiotics X 2 tablets each time for each type X 3 times a day = 12 tablets a day....zzz...

On the brighter side...while he was not allowed to do cleaning or scaling of my teeth due to the current covid CB restrictions...he managed to help me floss/dig out some meat fibres from that area....it was gross and embarrassing...but necessary....haha.

Hope the medication doesn't cause my stomach to go haywire...

Fighting!!

Of.....meals.....

Had a video call with the inlaws last evening.
MIL threw up an unexpected comment....that got me a little riled up.
Maybe I'm sensitive and emotional these couple of days. Maybe that's why I am reacting more.

K and I were in front of the camera. The girls were in the background playing.
MIL mentioned to K something along this line "Now that you are not eating at my place but on your own, I think you're not eating food that's healthy (compared to what I prepare)".

Erm...hello?

Ever since we moved into our own place, Laoniang spends alot of time each week making meal plans and planning menus ok. I try to meet both K's needs as well as the girls'. And I try to ensure there's different types of proteins and carbs and veg ok. Granted that there may not be as much fish or fruits as I would like there to be. But still it's a pretty balanced diet, with no deep-fried or overly oily stuff.

For someone who takes pride in meal planning, the comment definitely got to me. Especially when now during CB days we're cooking on an almost daily basis.

There were other potential sub-texts as well, stemming from that single comment.

"You are not taking care of my son and my grand-daughters well enough."
"You are not doing a good job."

K said that all mothers think the same and that in their minds, DILs will never match up to their expectations.

Whatever lah. Sigh.

Update:
Someone (who is almost an MIL already) offered me a different perspective. That my MIL made that comment because as a Mother, she misses her kids and grandkids eating at her place and misses taking care of her brood. And that all Mothers feel they (and only they) take care of the family best....

Thank you for giving me a different perspective LH....

Plants

Water Plum Bonsai
Many leaves started turning yellow a few days ago. It definitely alarmed me and I didn't know what to do. I spent some time this morning looking over it. Couldn't get a chance to do so over the last few days. Managed to get rid of one damn big mealy bug. But that was the only one I saw and I'm glad it is so. There may be some more lurking around that I could't quite see with my eyes but I'm glad the situation has improved.

I'm just wondering why leaves are turning yellow. And dropping. :(

I counted almost 40 bunches of flower buds. Some have bloomed and are getting older. Some are just starting out. Are these taking up too much nutrients and energy from the plant? And thus causing the leaves to turn yellow?

No idea...:( Need to monitor and see how it goes...fingers crossed.

Moss Rose
This fella's looking much better than before. New buds and new shoots are coming out.
There are still some greyish stalks here and there and I hope most of the mealybugs have gone off.
I'll need to give it a "spray-over" with the neem oil again this evening....

The Girls' Aloes
Ok these are not doing good. Could be the soil I'm using? Or the mix of soil that I did up? :(
Sad lah...Hope they hang in there longer...

Nadya + HBL

I start my work at 7:45am.
And then I get Nadya to start her work at 8:00am.

It's another "record" today.
I made her cry at 8:15am.
It's always when we're doing Math. Subtraction within 20 is still a challenge for her.

Ended up doing deep breathing with her to calm her down and settle her frustrations.
Held her hands and did breathing and counting together.
Guess I needed it myself.
Took the opportunity to inject some comic stuff while doing deep breathing.
Just to lighten the air.

And then we continued.

I hope I am guiding her properly.
Both in terms of managing her anxieties.
As well as in terms of her work.....

Getting to be of some concern that her Chinese doesn't seem up to par and her Math subtraction seems to be a major stumbling block for her.

Guilt

• For making the older one cry when guiding her in school work 
• For neglecting the younger one 
• For leaving both to the helper when I need to settle work 
• For not being able to teach the younger one more stuff...and letting her roam around aimlessly 
• For feeling frazzled and sometimes wanting out 
• For raising my voice on more than a few occasions
• For lacking the physical and mental strength to do more for them, the family and myself 

Jiayou Mama!

Woke feeling a little fatigued and achey.
Maybe the warm weather and the daily multi-tasking is getting to me. Plus we can't get outdoor time in the condo carpark already. MCST issued a circular informing residents that we can't let our kids run or ride bikes or ride skate-scooters or play in the carpark anymore.....so I also don't get any 30min or 1hr each day to unwind anymore...

While I think we can bring the kids out to walk for a short 10-15mins at the lorong next to our condo, it also brings me some unease...and it makes me uncomfortable when some people stare at us.

Hope I can tahan the day ahead. And hope I can get a 30min nap somewhere somehow.

Laoniang's plants....

Managed to squeeze in 15mins of gardening time yesterday.

Water Plum Bonsai
Very happy to see that the water plum bonsai is doing much better. After 2-3 weeks' of TLC and one-on-one attention, at least 5 sessions of spraying the plant with neem oil, and at least 5 sessions of me scrutinising the plant like shit and personally going through each leaf and plucking out whatever mealybug I could find, I'm very happy to share that the plant has started growing new leaves and flower buds for the past week! In fact, there were 1-2 blooms some days ago already...:)

Still need to monitor though...some leaves are still a little on the yellowish side, which means it still isn't in the best of health yet and not fully out of the woods.

Moss Rose
Laoniang have it a very vigorous trim 1-2 weeks ago when I discovered that it was infected with the mealybugs as well. Chopped off all the dead or dying stalks. And sprayed the rest of the plant with neem oil...

And so I've been trimming affected parts and spraying the neem oil on and off. Happy to see that new shoots and leaves are sprouting. This one needs further work before it can be restored to its full glory again...right now, it has not flowered since Day 2 of CNY when it used to have at least 1 bloom each day. I hope to nurse it back to that state again!

Local Pomegranate
Despite looking half-dead, this plant never ceases to amaze me. It has 3 flower buds again...if no birds come to pick at them, I believe most of the buds will develop into fruits again...:)

Fox-tail Fern
Damn cute. It flowered...tiny little white flowers...so tiny...but they are drying up already....

Tillandsias
Right now, if I have the time, I'll try to read up more on tillandsia care...
I have 3 of such airplants which I brought back from the office....though I've not specifically identified one of them. One's a Tillandsia Ionantha, another's a Tillandsia Caput Medusae and the last one....no idea what it is haha....

Terrarium
Bruoght 2 back from the office. The almost 2 yr old terrarium....sigh...heart-breaking...the plants inside mostly died. All within a few days after bringing it back home. They must have been too used to the aircon in the office....plant shock given the warmth of the house...Now all that's left is the moss bed and a tiny scraggly green fittonia that seems like it's going going gone soon too.....see how....

CB Day #10

I still find it hard to say CB or CCB....Circuit Breaker and Covid Circuit Breaker...
Because I'm so used to the Hokkien version of these 2 acronyms....

Last night was a shiong one where I was woken up twice by Alyssa, once by Nadya who kicked me, once by Nadya again who got fed-up when Alyssa kicked her, and twice by the helper who was not so subtle when she woke to use the common toilet. Grand total of 6 times...I thought I'd be extremely zombiefied but....so far so good...running on adrenaline....

The day's gone by pretty ok so far. Hope it stays this way for the rest of the day.
I got Nadya to do her work. Managed to get Alyssa to do some work as well. Alyssa was also quite good today and read books (or rather looked at the pictures in the books) while chilling in between doing work. Managed to do some of my own work as well and also got Alyssa to watch 2 videos uploaded by her school for her learning.

Took a 10-min nap when putting Alyssa to sleep for her afternoon nap....

And now...back to work while K is with Nadya doing her online learning stuff....

Ganbatte!!!

Nadya

Ok, so Nadya's max is 2 days.
Today's Wednesday. It's 8:45am in the morning.
She's less motivated to do her work. And keeps requesting help for simple stuff that she would normally be able to do on her own.
She just started crying.

The same last week. HBL started on Wednesday and she did well for the first 2 days.
On Friday morning she was whiny and cried as well.

They have it more difficult these days. Compared to when I was a kid I don't ever remember having to do any homework or stuff when I was in P1 or 2. I only remember having Chinese tuition and then half the time my mind was in the air during tuition also haha.

Ganbatte....to all

Breathe

Jiayou Mama.
You can do this.
Breathe....

Remind yourself not to get too anxious.
Else your stomach chui...and not good for your mind also....

Tough morning juggling 2 girls. I spent 3 hours writing an email and an hour out of that trying to read through a long email.

Hope it gets easier as the days go by....
Might need to reconfig a little.
See how.

Ganbatte
Hae suiss-da
Yu!

HBL + WFH days

Multi-tasking on HBL days means my already flighty brain is further tested...sometimes I feel more bird-brained than ever. Anxiety levels are up in the mornings too when both girls want my attention and my laptop screen is also blinking with DM messages from my team-mates.

Each girl has both online and offline stuff to do, for 3-4 subjects for school. And for their enrichment classes as well.  Sometimes the schedules and instructions given to us are clear and easy to understand. Sometimes the instructions and what to do are not clear and we have to spend some time figuring out what exactly the school or enrichment centre wants us to do. 

Meal planning is no longer for each weekend but for each day now haha. 

Glad that I have a helper to settle the physical chores and cooking. 

We've been experimenting with cooking as well, with the kids. I've taught Nadya how to make toast using a frying pan (we don't have a toaster at home). We've made chocolate chip cookies, pancakes and this afternoon K embarked on an endeavour to make pear crumble pie...hope it turns out well. :) 

(p/s: He is providing eye power and some helicopter instructions, helper is making most of the pie, and the girls are helping (or messing up) out here and here....)

Thankful too that work seems to have slowed down abit...maybe in large part because the higher-ups are roped in to settle Covid issues and other urgent matters like 5G. 

Fingers crossed for the days to come...:)

Of Arrows...and ECAs

Hats off and kudos to all my colleagues who were activated in the past 1-2 weeks to help out in various matters relating to the Covid-19 situation.

I've colleagues who were asked to be safety distancing ambassadors, and to help in other frontline and background work, which are not convenient to be shared here.

I was arrowed a small task yesterday as well. If the boss' boss calls you on a Sunday at 1pm, you better pick his call....and of course, I'd already prepped myself in case I had to go out to do something. I was thankful it was something that could be settled from home. Although it was something urgent urgent urgent.

Another Ministry was requesting information that wasn't readily available. Had to activate another tech colleague to extract the data out for me and has to sieve through and massage the data a little before I could get the info out. Settled the matter in 1.5hrs, with no follow-ups needed from that Ministry.

Phew.

Public and civil servants are being recruited left, right and centre to do all sorts of stuff now...But I think all teachers are spared this as they've enough on their plates what with all the HBL going on.

Day 1: WFH + HBL

Today is Day 1 of handling WFH + HBL at the same time.
We chose to put Alyssa at inlaws place. They can help her with her HBL there.
We'll concentrate on Nadya at home as she needs to access SLS plus worksheets plus other stuff like her workbooks.

Jiayou.

I think today's level of multi-tasking will increase by many folds....

It's 8:15am.
I made toast together with her earlier on and we had scrambled eggs as well for breakfast.
I've started clearing emails and gotten her parked at her writing desk. She's doing her worksheets now....and I've already gotten 2-3 questions from her...

May my patience remain as calm as it is right now...

Jiayou!!!