lalala...

Eddie came by in the afternoon today. Brought Aye Mon along..finally got to meet her after 2 years..haa...very sweet gal...happy for him...

Just chatted, watched abit of TV and played with hammie too...

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Why do some people like to bear grudges?
And why do some like to think of the worse of others' intentions?

Isn't it easier to just live and let live?
Or ain't it easier to just not view others' intentions with a distrustful eye?

hmm...

Insomnia

Sleep eludes me yet again
As I toss, i turn
To no avail

The body is tired
But the mind ain't so
And so the cycle repeats itself as it has
For the past few nights

Eyes wide open
As I stare blankly into the ceiling
Fingers clasped tightly
As I hug my pillow tight in an embrace
Willing the tide of slumber to wash over me

But it comes not
And so I lay there still
Reflecting and just waiting

Sheep no. 1, sheep no. 2, sheep no. 3...
Warm milk and some food to dull the senses
Clearing the mind of any thoughts
Chanting Buddhist mantras
Walking around the house in the darkness
All tried and tested
To no effect

Little wonder why dark rings fringe my eyes
And tiredness encapsulate my day
Attempts to coax the Z-monster out of its lair will be made again now
With more gutso and perserverance

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It's suddenly dawned on me that it's the 3rd of Nov already...Zain's bday. Dear smart Zain...who left us all in 1995, at the tender age of 15....due to mouth cancer...

Nevertheless, Happy Birthday..wherever you are...

Rain

I look out through my windows
As rivulets of rain
Cut across them
Forming meandering trickles

My vision is blurred
As I try
To look out into the night sky
Bright pink and lined with fat heavy clouds

Somehow
In that blazing downpour
Of raindrops and lightning
I felt peace

As I sit here now
With the pitter patter all but gone
I feel a strange strange
Sense of surreality

The air still reeks
Of dampness and crispness
I think I shall hit the sack
Slumberland seems a good respite

Mr Jason Tan

haha....am finally writing about this buddy of mine..

Let's see...1st got to know him during the Great Singapore Surf in March 2004...when he was one of the temp helpers assigned to my team under the then NTUC Computer Training Centre...Can't exactly remember the sequence of events but we had each other's contacts and somehow we exchanged emails too I think and after the event was over, we added each other on MSN.

Since then...we've been pals..nice guy generally but can be a pain in the ass when he wants to...haha...Thanks for all the listening ears ya...and all the encouragements too...can be extremely sentimental too...avid lover of volleyball and a cracker of cold jokes..haha..

p/s: Happy boh? Writing about you leh...though it sounds kinda like a Friendster testimonial...=p =p =p

Night Out!

First night out...was raining cats and dogs & weather was frosty...cuddled my jacket & stepped outside the flat..woohoo...

Met up with Peiqi & TH at Cafe Cartel @ tmall...had my fav pasta as usual...and just chatted there for 3 hours...Also mentioned that I was looking wan & had an unhealthy pallour...i.e. sickly..

PQ got the 4 leaf clover charm thingy..the same one featured in this month's CLEO mah...damn...I wanted to get it too...but one necklace costs $48 buckss??? for a plain coated pendant and chain...haha...if and when she really strikes 4D, then me & TH will go get it too...

Kinda nice to get out for while...and yuppers, it's still amazing to me how so many people can converge in a single shopping mall and walk around aimlessly...was looking at the turnover for the restaurant too...they must be earning big big bucks..same goes for the other food places too I guess..the moment a table is emptied, another arrives to fill its place...and the cycle continues till the restaurant closes.

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Met Zhicong whilst at Cafe Cartel..quite funny at first cos I didn't recognise him...still undergoing training as a pilot...
Looked slightly different...maybe a little bit rounder..heh..

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Was wrong, he didn't go to Fai's place afterall...!! haa....

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Looking forward to Saturday..gonna get Jamie Cullum's new CD & Jay Chou's new album too...whoopee..more new songs to blast...

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Received a get-well-card from Rohlin & YS this afternoon...haa...so sweet...said she had to Guangzhou on a last minute thingy for her job...so couldn't pop by...

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Simply love Blinkymummy's post today titled "One Freaking Big Experiment in the Small Everyday Way" Spot on.

dreams & the sub-conscious

It was yet another "can't get to sleep" night..tossed and turned for more than an hour...even sms-ed him at 2am..then when I finally got to sleep, I had to get up again an hour later...I remember seeing the clock and it read 3:40am...when I managed to get back to sleep the second time round..I had a bizarre dream. One which left me feeling none too good.

Dreamt that he left me. For another girl. And that other girl in the dream happened to be Peiqi. Liews...one of my best gal pals...I was heartbroken in the dream..Still remember sobbing violently when I found out about things...

It must have been sometime around 7 or 8am when I had that dream cos I fluttered my eyes open and noticed that it was light already. Am still feeling the aftermath effects of the dream...but well...to hell with it...

hmm....do dreams really reflect the sub-conscious?

last day of the month

It's already the last day of October...I've been on leave, MC, hospitalisation leave for more than a month..lemme count..1 month and 9 days to be exact. November will be here in 50mins time.
hmm..November..my baby will start flying to Indonesia already...each time for a week at least... =(

And on the same note, December, my fav month of the year, will be here in 30 days time. Looking forward to things in Dec..the festive season and all..year end.. the air always smells different..

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Hmm...wonder when our Bangkok trip can take place..our deadline for the vouchers' gonna be end May..just nice for our 2nd yr anniversary..hmm...see how...else maybe we can go during my transition period? Am thinking of going back to KL too...not sure if he's keen though haa....but gian to makan the claypot chicken rice there!!!!

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Listening to Sun Yan Zi, Michael Buble & Jay Chou now...potent mix of Chinese & English, jazz and pop...enough to at least liven up my room abit...Yan Zi rawks..Buble melts my heart and Jay never fails to prick at my innermost feelings with his alteernative melodies, rhythms and lyrics...

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was reading blinkymummy's blog this evening...some of her past entries...and realised that she called off her wedding to a guy she was dating for 2 years...sometime early this year I think..What a coincidence, I was just reading an article in Female this afternoon too, about this 26 yr old girl and her fiance who decided to call off their wedding about 4 months before they were to go through the rites and all...

It's heartbreaking hearing these things happening...especially if you've got a pair of rings, your wedding studio shots, your tux & gown, your hotel bookings still on hand to contend with...and worse still if word has gone out to all relatives and friends...admire them for their strength in making the decision to call things off when so much effort has been put in...

But as the lady in the Female article put it.."Your future happiness is way more important and way bigger than others' nosiness in your life, or money."

I think blinky's a pretty cool chick...got a great mind of her own & she's a smartypants too...very billingual annd unafraid of airing her own opinions...

yet again...

Great. Just quarelled with her again. Doesn't she understand the word NO??????? wtf. I said no to the piece of fish cos I was already done with my dinner. She insisted and dropped the piece of pomfret unceremoniusly on my empty plate and growled : "Finish it."

I mean seriously. What's the point of doing such a thing?? If I'm full, I'm full. If I'm done, I'm done. What's the point of forcing that bloody piece of fish down my throat????

I got up with my plate and walked towards the sink with the intention of stuffing that thing into my mouth midway through my route. Then she accused me of wanting to throw it away into the dustbin. Please lah, come on. Grow up can? At age 55, I think you can be capable of better thought processes.

God damn fucked up day. I can't help tearing. I find my own home stifling to the point of constriction.

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Ally gave me a buzz this morning to ask about how I'm doing...nice knowing you have people who care about you...

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Just received a call from ahboy...he just got off work...going for his dinner soon...his call brought me some joy...it's short-lived though cos I'm back to my grouchy self..

Am wondering if I should just hibernate in my room forever..The thought of having my own abode seems so juicy right now...piteous though cos I ain't have the financial means to do so...YET

happy halloween

Just quarelled with mum about the the issue of me who's not supposed to go out because technically speaking, I am still on MC. Whatever. Fucked up.

God damn pissed off.
I give up.

It's really driving me nuts. It's already been a month that I'm under such close scrutiny. It's stifling. I can't breathe.

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Was watching My Date With a Vampire III last night. Ren2 Wang2 Fu2 Xi1 (supposedly the 1st man on Earth - Chinese fiction style) said something which I'm still pondering over...quite interesting

Love breeds worries
Love breeds fears

When you're in love
Sometimes you know not yourself.

You're Still You

Josh Groban - You're Still You

Through the darkness
I can see your light
And you will always shine
And I can feel your heart in mine
Your face I've memorized
I idolize just you

I look up to
Everything you are
In my eyes you do no wrong
I've loved you for so long
And after all is said and done
You're still you
After all
You're still you

You walk past me
I can feel your pain
Time changes everything
One truth always stays the same
You're still you
After all
You're still you

I look up to
Everything you are
In my eyes you do no wrong
And I believe in you
Although you never asked me to
I will remember you
And what life put you through

And in this cruel and lonely world
I found one love
You're still you
After all
You're still you

mid-day rattlings..

Dasao might be right..the medication might be making me moody..extremely moody
Anyway, aiming to get out of the house by the next weekend. Think I'm in perfect condition to go out, just that I'm on house arrest.

spoke to them of the banking idea...don't think they seemed to like it...but were still relatively encouraging lah...asked me to try it out lor...and see how it goes...

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Marc was running around the house just now and delivered a toy personally to my hands...am abit touched. If you ask him "What's your name?" He can reply and tell you "Marc!". If you ask him "How old are you?" He can also reply and say "Two!"

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Just washed my hair again today. Feels good. Used shampoo on the left side...But damn, think I'm developing dandruff...especially along the parting line...ugghh...unsightly man...

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Last night, I was reading the blog I had last year...though that blog lasted only a meagre 2 months, it still brought back certain memories to me...whether happy, intense or sad thoughts...

I miss...

...the late nights spent in hall
...the boliao gossip notes me, Eddie & Chiewz scribbled to each other during lectures
...the crazy times we had during hall activities
...the late night suppers we had when we had the mood for them
...the LAN network we had then & the MP3s and movies we shared with each other back then
...the prawn paste chicken in hall 5 canteen
...waking up to the sound of birds chirping in the dimly lit dawn morning
...hearing the sounds of machine guns in the night when the nearby army camps are having training
...sitting by the doorway & just chatting with Xingli or dreaming about what we wanna do
...washing clothes and hanging them out to dry with her too
...waking up and deciding to skip classes
...organising various hall activities
...the mee hoon kuay at canteen A
...the camaraderie we had with each other and staying just above, below and around each other
...the absolute freedom I had back then
...those rainy cold nights when I would just lie huddled under the covers listening to the pitter & patter of raindrops
...walking to lectures and tutorials in tanktops, cropped pants and flip flops
...the mini gatherings we had in each other's rooms
...having dinner together in canteen 1 and it's chicken chop and honey dew sago
...crapping, bitching, gossiping with Chiewz and laughing hysterically with her
...having FYP discussions in either my room or Chiewz's room
...cooking pasta in my room with my rice cooker
...having mini steamboat sessions in my room or sky's room
...rearing hamsters illegally in my room
...working out in my room
...the privacy of my single room
...climbing up 3 flights of stairs to my room
...cheering my hall on during inter-hall activities
...the buzz of studies and hall activities back then
...blasting music from my speakers when I was in a bad mood
...mugging for the exams with sky and hongbing at Canteen B till the wee hours of the morn
...mugging at the library too and sneaking in packets of french fries when the librarian wasn't looking
...getting to know exchange students from other countries
...that 3 years of my life in hall 1 (numero uno)

of viewpoints and other possibilities...

the more you think
the more you imagine
the more you paint pictures
the more you assume
the more you presume
the more you envisage

........
the more your vision gets clouded
the greater the delusion
the deeper you get submerged
the harder you fall
the easier you crash

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the older I get...the more disillusioned things become...life in SG seems to be a rat race with momentary junctures of happiness and equal momentary points of sadness and disappointments..

or maybe it's just the way I view things...yeah..think it's the way I see things...the "bottle is half-full or half-empty" theory...or the "some days you're the pigeon, some days you're the statue" theory...all these make sense...but I just find it abit difficult to see things in a more positive light..

...ah well...the melancholic pessimistic me...
aw man...listening to Jay Chou now...simply heaven...

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ahboy just left to play bball with the other guys...felt lethargic the whole day...maybe cos of the horrible night's sleep..glad he came...planted a smile on my face..missing him already...
and he bought clay for me...good..I can start on making some handicrafts or something...

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had a brief conversation with dasao just now...discussed the possibility of having some sidelines...hmm...if things sound positive and if they arouse my interest...perhaps i might join in as well...why not..take on a new challenge...and at least it's a break from the monotony I feel right now...and well...it might be another lucrative source of income for me..

well...bro and her will be coming over tomorrow...maybe we'll take it up further tomorrow...see how the ideas flow... :)

financial independence haaa...am striving to be someone who can take care of her basic needs with not much of a problem..Maslow's hierarchy of needs...one of my fav theories...

definitely one of base reasons why I'm considering banking...though just the thought of horrendous sky high sales targets easily sends shudders through me...

what the??

fucking hell.. went to bed at around 1am last night...but couldn't get to sleep at all...and the most frustrating thing is that I can't toss and turn like last time cos I can't lie on my right side where the wound is..I can either be only on my stomach, my back or my left side...

So for more than 2 hours, I was awake...listening to the mild droning of my air-con and my mind was still busy thinking of weird things like...

1. cheetahs, cougars, panthers, pumas, lions...whatever you can name in the big cats family...I attribute this to the fact that I was watching National Geographic earlier in the night...

2. what is love? and what does it entail?

3. how I almost let slip in front of Jen that I was flipping through Recruit regularly...

4. the dumb email...and the possible repercussions it might have caused..

5. Creation's teriyaki chicken meatball pasta and their brownie...

I checked my clock incessantly..1am morphed into 2am and then to 3am...I think it was till 3-plus that I finally found my way to the gates of slumberland...tmd...slept till mid-day again..what an unhealthy lifestyle...argh..

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I seriously miss bitching... whether it be the insane childish bitching during uni days with chiewz or the office bitching with the other girls...Damn...and somehow all I wanna do now is to hurl curses and cuss my heart out...

crude, crass and banal...guess that's just me...but the least is that I don't hide or pretend to be what I ain't..what you see is what you get...silliness, wittiness, sincerity et al...

of marriage and committments...

The naggy me has been muttering on and on about having time on my hands...yeah..the synapses of the brain works wonders at times...hell, I'm even thinking about things like marriage..and having my own abode with my loved one...

to put it simply..think I'm ready for that lifelong committment called marriage...shared my thoughts with Jason over MSN just now and he laughed at me..said I'm getting desperate to "tie" my man down...nabei...does it always amount to such a viewpoint if a girl says she's ready for marriage?? Does it always amount to "enslaving" the other party?

I dunno...just that I'm having those "I wanna spend the rest of my lilfe with you", "I wanna build a love nest with you" and "I wanna bear you children" kind of feelings...mushy, icky and god-damn dramatic...but yet oh-so-true..
Well whatever...not entirely sure what these thoughts translate to...and anyway..guess it ain't the right time now too??

Hmm....wondering....

seedless rantings from a daft shell

two groups of peeps came by today...

jen, may, elaine and lawrence (the HR, not brother lawrence) came around 7pm...sat around and tokked cock...quite surprised that lawrence came...cos it's like wat...only the second time that I've seen him....they left around 8pm...elaine was so sweet...gave me a a sweet little pink crystal angel...those that you can hang on your handphone type...and a cute little card with those pop-up pics of dancing teddy bears and quaint gingerbread houses...

ahboy dropped by around 720pm..

then around 845pm...ling & gang came by....joyce, gail n adrian din come though..the pizza and KFC we ordered reached around 9pm...and our makan galore commenced...haa..amidst the watching of cable TV and tokking rot...

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maybe what MJ said is true...given too much time on their hands...girls like to think about unneccessary stuff...and worry about unneccessary details...

is that wat's happening to me? the ever imaginative one?

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at the dinner table just now..

Dad: "Look at her (me), it's like as if we're torturing her to eat."

yeah...well...the grumpy me at work again...what do you expect, being awakened from your nap to have such an early dinner which you don't feel like eating at all cos you're not even hungry at all...

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...pressing on when the future is uncertain?
...trudging on come what may?
...clinging on for survival?
...life is tough..life is complicated?
...which way to go when you reach a fork?
...which path to follow..head..heart?
...life is pre-ordained..life is sardonic?

am not even sure what the hell I'm ranting on and on about...
Feel as if I'm in a perpetual state of uncertainty and bewilderedness...
Do I have too much time on my hands??

post-lunch post

just a fuddy duddy entry about somethng I was hankering about last night..

Was fiddling about with HTML codings and such stuff...trying to do some edits to my blog interface...and wohoo!! managed to get it done successfully...I'm a major klutz at such tech wizardry...so for the restless me, it was an accomplishment!! =))

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time flies, it's already been more than 2 weeks since my skull was scissored open and my brain invaded upon. 17 days to be exact.

my hair's like a patch of dried grass sitting atop my head...the chemicals used to clean my hair really zapped away whatever meagre shine and lustre my hair once had....now macham bird's nest...plus...the chemicals caused the hair colour to oxidise further...aiyooo.....=(( and I'm shedding hair like nobody's business...if I run my fingers through my hair...at least 3 to 4 strands drop off....argh!!!

worse thing is that I can't use shampoo to wash my hair as yet...let alone condition it...bleah...

the good thing is that the wound is healing nicely...at least that's wat mum says...I cun see...no matter how I twist my head in front of the mirror, I can't get a good look at it...but if she says it's healing well...then good for me...

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Ling & gang are coming over tonight..don't think they've ever seen me so lok cock before..haa...hope they dun get a shock...looking forward to some fun and laughter tonight...at least it'll be a different form of entertainment for me....and their antics will definitely bring smiles to my forlorn face....haa..

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on one of the nights in hospital, I dreamt that I was a UOB Personal Banker...maybe like wat brother says is true...It's a sign...haa...a sign to go in that direction....

The more I think about it or ponder over it...the more it seems like an okay plan to go ahead with...and ahboy has said he'll support me in my decision....

in the mood for love..

Was watching Meteor Garden late last night when a phrase was mentioned by one of the members of F4...

"It's weird when you lose yourself in the midst of loving someone else."

Yeah..losing yourself when you hit that irrational, emotional high..and start doing things or behaving in ways you never thought you'd indulge in or behave in...

of naggings and complaints..yet again..

It's irritating..it's been a week since I've gotten out of hospital..but I think my body clock's still attuned to the days spent in hospital..I get up 2 to 3 times in one fucking night. It's wreaking havoc on my sleeping pattern..so much so that almost everyday, I get up as late as midday..

Maybe another reason's that my pillow's gotten too soft..Just changed a new pillow this morning..hope it alleviates the problem..

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Wonder if you'll reply my new email...hmm...
Don't know what you're thinking..Don't know what your take on the future is..
Hope you'll share your thoughts with me..Loving you always..

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It's amazing...We snap at each other and more oft than not, argue with each other, yet we remain good friends...aye red biscuit?

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Sometimes I wonder...how does a bf, a gf and an ex-gf get along so well together...looking at dan, yl & chiewz...I don't get it at times...them 3 can just sit and chat/joke/have fun all together...hmm....perhaps I'm not a gracious one..that's why I can't comprehend?...

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am popping pills like candy everyday..7 pills after my first meal of the day...another 6-7 pills after dinner...and am getting abit tired of the food I'm taking in everyday..porridge, rice with bland dishes...tough-going for a big foodie like me....

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Things to look forward to after I'm well and dandy...

1. Conversational Malay
2. Blading
3. Sentosa
4. Pubbing
5. Settle my job switch thingy?
6. Swimming!
7. New haircut?

Nobody's Home

Nobody's Home - Avril Lavigne

I couldn't tell you why she felt that way
She felt it everyday
And I couldn't help her
I just watched her make the same mistakes again

What's wrong, what's wrong now
Too many, too many problems
Don't know where she belongs
Where she belongs
She wants to go home
But nobody's home
It's where she lies broken inside
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes
Broken inside

Open your eyes and look outside, find a reason why
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind
Be strong, be strong now
Too many, too many problems
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs
She wants to go home, but nobody's home
It's where she lies, broken inside
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes
Broken inside