Lost it

I lost it tonight.

It has been increasingly difficult to put both girls to sleep. I'd start the process with Alyssa at 9pm or before. After taking her milk she'd roll around for a long time. She'd still be awake by the time Nadya comes in to the room at 930pm or so.

Then both would simply refuse to sleep and do all sorts of things. Request for me to carry. Request for this. Request for that. Insist on going out to the balcony. Request to go to the washroom. Request to go to the kitchen to get something from the fridge.

I usually blow my top when my patience runs thin. I start raising my voice. Either both comply after several threats or one starts to fuss or both. This is usually coupled with passionate declarations of "I don't like Mama!" or "I don't want Mama!!"

By the time both fall asleep it would be 10pm. Alyssa falls asleep first followed by Nadya. These days, it goes all the way till 1015pm.

Tonight was not good.

My already-stretched-thin patience went through a more challenging stress test. It failed. Miserably.
I raised my voice. I shouted. And I eventually cried in front of them as well.

Both refused to listen. Both refused to sleep. Both insisted on me carrying them.
Both started fighting with each other again. Both declared that they did not like me after I spoke to them firmly. Both asked for more milk even though they'd each had a bottle's worth already.
Both were playing non-stop. Both were talking non-stop as well. Both were asking for my attention.

It dragged on.

I lost it. I cried.

Not good. Kids 1: Mama 0.

Alyssa eventually slept at 1030pm. Nadya maybe only 10-15mins later.

This sucks. Big time.

How can I do this better? Change myself?

Feeling.....

unmotivated

the recent shift to a temporary office location has left me feeling displaced and very dispensable.
not quite getting work done as efficiently as I used to back in my heydays.

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exhausted

enough said.
sleeping with both girls has left me feeling groggy and suffering from neckaches

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frustrated

a little
helper issues, career (non) progression issues, the girls' daily squabbling,

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thankful

i need to be
for I still have a job, a warm home and a warm bed to get back to at the end of the day
for I have 4 pairs of little hands and feet that want to clamber over or hug me at the end of each day
for I have K in my life
for I have the Sngs standing solid behind my back too

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quirky

wearing $20 cheap but chio shoes bought online and made by a China brand that was apparently super big in China back in the 1960s - 1980s before it opened up to the world

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young? old?

schizophrenic lol...
feel young when I talk to some of my peers, like I've not progressed or matured enough
feel old when I deal with people born more than 12 years after me. Gosh....

Baby Shark

Yeah yeah...the song that all parents of young kids would know....

We were at a foodcourt last Saturday and I sought Alyssa's help to hold on to a $10 note while we were waiting for our food to be done.

Me: Do you know this man?
A: No.
Me: His name is Yusof Ishak. Can you say his name?
A: Eee-shak. Baby Shark!!!
A: *doo doo doo doo...doo doo doo doo...doo"


小妹妹...He's our first President you know? Show some respect please....lol :)

Too young to be talking about marriage!

The other night, before bed.

A: Mama, I marry Ethan!
Me: *splutter* Har? Marry? Why do you want to marry Ethan??
A: I like him. He is so so sweet!
Me: Why is he sweet?
A: Because he eat gummy bear.

*facepalm*

LOL....

big baby?

Went to an online forum to seek urgent information regarding Filipino helpers and home leave. Came across this line someone said "Having an FDW is like taking care of a big baby."

Somewhat true, sometimes.

On a Roll

Tongue craving for kimchi and anything kimchi related like ramen, kimchi jeon, kimchi fried rice, jiggaes, etc.

Made kimchi jeon for the parents on Saturday haha. Dad didn't have much comment but munched silently on a piece of it so I don't know if he liked it or not. Mum couldn't take more than 2 bites because of the spice and sourness. (It upsets her stomach).

On a kimchi roll......

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EXO

recently stanning EXO's songs again and one of the members Do Kyungsoo or D.O. as his stage name goes...

you see? even the lingo I use is changing...stanning...sheesh...can't believe myself. :D

On an EXO roll......

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Due to the office shift and my team's temporary location in a meeting room, I've been feeling somewhat distracted and displaced. Been working from home more often and because of that....

I've had the chance to use more face masks too haha...I don't use them when the kids are around because I don't want them to start peeling anything off my face and I don't want them asking to use them too haha.

On a face mask roll.....

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I’ve recently been on a buying spree too. 7 tshirts, 4 pairs of shoes, 2 office dresses, 1 denim shirt, 1 bag...

Maybe more on the way......

On a buying roll.....

Melt

Reached inlaws place after work on Monday 23 April.
Alyssa was there at the dining area when I was having dinner. She came over and wanted to hold my hand.

She said: "Mama, why your hand so so cold?"
Me: "Because Mama worked in a cold room the whole day and the bus I was on was cold too."
She said: "Mama, I keep you warm ok! I hold your hands. Come."

My heart, it melted. :)

Thank you for looking after me sayang....

Afternoon WorkDay Energy Boost

Peanut is sick, running a fever which has tapered off and hopefully gets fully eradicated today.
She's not in school today. K arranged for a FaceTime session 30mins ago. :)

Seeing her and talking to her brought me much smiles.

"I miss you!" I told her.

"I miss you!" She parroted.

"I love you!" I told her.

"I love you!" She echoed back again.


Oh much love much love. :) *heartmelt*

Sometimes when I am putting her to sleep. She would just suddenly announce "I like Mama!" or "I love Mama!". Heartmelt moment too...haha.

Men

When there is dust accumulated on your things like your docking station, monitor screen, phone, etc, how would you clean it?

What I've observed in the recent packing frenzy in office is that some men just use paper (normal paper or tracing paper) or tissue paper to sweep off the dust from the items. Women generally use damp towels, wet tissue or wet rolls to wipe the dust off. 

Like hello? Men?!

You just sweep the dust off like that....it'll just end up all over the place and in the air right? No wonder my nose is stuffed up and irritable. No wonder my eyes are teary these couple of days. No wonder people are getting sore throats....

zzzzz.....

This is why I don't understand the use of feather dusters.

Trolling

Trolling their kids is something all parents do at some point in their growing kids' lives. :)

We were at the clinic waiting for Nadya's turn on Wednesday night. She had a persistent cough and phelgm. The clinic had a kitchen stove playset there.

N: Mama, I'm cooking. What do you want?
Me: I want grilled chicken breast glazed with a semi-reduction of honey and balsamic vinegar.
N: Ok!
Me: you know what that is?
N: No. But I think I will just make cupcakes for you.

Lol....:D

Alyssa

I think Alyssa speaks fairly well for her age.
She started speaking later than Nadya but in terms of advancement, she's improving at a much faster rate. Maybe having an older sibling helps.

The only thing with her is that we've all gone abit lax with regard to speaking Singlish. With Nadya last time, we made sure to speak clearly and rarely used Singlish except for the occassional lapse. With Alyssa, I think we've all somehow just used Singlish quite regularly.

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She's so cute and charming too. Even my brother says so.
She'd already eaten but was hanging around K and myself when we were having dinner last night.

She climbed into a chair and started scooping vegetables for us both.

"Mama Dada, do you want some?"

"Mama, do you want beans?"

When I declined the beans, she said: "Ok. Then you eat your vegetables lor. Finish your sausage. Finish your rice!"

Haha....now who's mothering who?

I want to....

1. Learn a musical instrument....a guitar or piano/keyboard
2. Take a class on drawing, calligraphy, watercolour painting or related stuff....
3. Cook. In an undisturbed kitchen free of children or helper. Something that I want to eat and not have to consider if the children can eat or not. 
4. Curl up in bed. And watch Korean shows. Especially variety shows. And laugh my ass off. 
5. Smile and be carefree. 

Clarity

Prayed for health, happiness, strength, patience and clarity while at Novena Church yesterday afternoon.

Health and happiness for obvious reasons. :)
Strength to carry on when the going gets tough.
Patience when dealing with the 2 girls and when dealing with certain people at work.

And I prayed for clarity in both my work and personal lives.

For a long time I've been in a fuddy duddy muddled hesitant undecided state about the future of my career. I hope to have some clarity soon...to find a direction and/or goal to work towards...

11 April

Granny's 4th death anniversary.

I had taken the afternoon off to grab lunch with Ally at Novena. And then I took a 5-min walk to Novena church. It had been a long time since I visited this church. I didn't even know that it had recently been renovated. I found my way in and as usual, as with every time I step into a church, I felt like crying. It's gotten better over the years though.

Adrian had gone to Holy Family Church on Tuesday evening. Dad and Mum went to Holy Trinity church on 11 Apr morning and I was at Novena in the afternoon. Lol, this year we all went separately to do our own prayers. It used to be that we would all gather at Holy Family Church together my Aunt as well.

Anyway, I found a pew and settled down. I spent maybe 30-40mins there...speaking with Mother Mary, God.....and Granny of course. I updated Granny on my family's situation...updated her on how the girls were doing, how much they've grown...and of course, I sought Granny's help to watch over all of us. I hope she's having a good time with Ipoh and Tuanku up there.

I prayed too, for all those near and dear to me. For their health, happiness and strength. Especially for my family, K and the 2 girls.

For myself, I prayed for health, happiness, strength, patience and clarity. Patience with the kids and clarity in both my work and personal life.

9 April 2018

090409

Happy 9th anniversary Baby...:)

Friday PM Leave

Taking leave this Friday afternoon.

For a minute change of pace. For a tiny breather. For a tiny break.

What's my plan?

Thinking about having kimchi jeon for lunch that afternoon. Haha.
Kimchi jeon has been on my mind for quite awhile. Ever since K and I had a nice version of it at Yunga Katong V.

See how it goes!

Uncle T

I took a cab this morning. Again. Yes, I've backslided alot this year but that's a story for another day.

Recently many cab drivers like talking to me. I don't know why though. :) And then once in a blue moon, I would meet one who inspires me. I was so engrossed in our chat that I forgot to ask him for his name.

I'll call him Uncle T. T for Teochew since he's one. Uncle T is 73 this year, 3 years younger than my dad. He looks a little younger than his age and credits it to his exercising 4 times a week. He wants to start learning how to read and write Chinese and has started looking at various private learning centres. He can handle conversational spoken Mandarin but wants to learn how to read and write it. From the way he speaks, his English is pretty good.

Uncle T said to me that these days, it's not "活到老，学到老" but actually "活到老， 学到老， 学不完!". He also shared with me that his greatest regret is not doing what he wanted when he was younger. This is also the greatest regret of many on their deathbed. He told me that these days he wants to do, try and learn so many things but he finds that he has quite limited time.

He didn't say it outrightly but I feel that he is a little regretful too that he does not have grandkids. He has a daughter and a son, both in their 40s. The unfortunate thing was that his daughter-in-law passed had cancer and passed away when she was only in her 30s. His daughter doesn't seem to be married. That's why he has no grandkids.  But he is a proud grandfather to a furkid, a toy poodle named Chanel (who is 11.5 years old by the way). He's glad that at least he has someone to fuss over when he goes home each day. And he's glad that his wife, who is not working now, has someone to occupy her time each day too.

I got reminded of my parents and I wonder if they're lonely. Empty Nest Syndrome? I definitely hope not. And I am glad too that they've got a big bunch of friends that they hang out with and go on trips with. I hope I have a bunch of good friends too whom I can hang out with when I get to their age.

Side story:
Uncle T's daughter-in-law passed away on 26 May 2012. several years later, his son got himself a girlfriend whose birthday happened to be on 26 May. That relationship didn't work out and now he has another girlfriend. Guess what? Her birthday is also on 26 May. Gosh, how much of a coincidence is that? Uncle T joked that he asked his son if having a birthday on 26 May was a criterion to be his girlfriend.

So anyway...Uncle T....thanks for inspiring me. It's really laudable that you're still so active, healthy, happy and hungry to learn at your age! Here's sincerely wishing you, your wife and puppy Chanel long lives ahead! May your son and his current girlfriend eventually get married too, I know that is your wish. :)

Joy comes when you least expect it

Despite all the frustration I felt yesterday, there were still moments of joy. Bright gleaming spots that pop up suddenly, catch me off guard and leave a warm trail in my heart.

• I was trying to mend a dress and sewed a portion wrongly. I had to redo it and gave out a big sigh. Nadya, who was sitting with me watching me sew (while in the meantime trying to stab herself with extra needles from my sewing kit), took my hand, patted it and kissed it. 
• I was putting Alyssa to sleep and lay next to her on her bed. She gave me several kisses on my cheek and declared " I like Mama! I love you...". She patted me, she hugged me, she snuggled close to me, she kissed my right palm, she kissed me some more. *melt*
• Nadya was running around shrieking like a mad woman when she suddenly stopped and gave me a bear hug....and yes, she continued shrieking like a banshee thereafter....
• K and I shared some goofy laughter at a lame joke I made in the evening...about mice and pussies...:)

Parenting don'ts

I guess I am doing everything that's listed as "don'ts" in parenting books.

I shout. I lose my patience. I threaten. I glare.

I have many internal sticky notes pasted on the inside of my brain reminding me not to shout or lose patience.

To no avail.

Some things that got to me yesterday:

• Nadya peeled off bits of tissue paper, rolled them into tiny balls and stuffed them into her ears. 
• Both girls took turns to snatch things from each other. Both irritated the other on many occasions. Alyssa slapped Nadya once (I have to give credit to Nadya for not crying). Nadya pinched Alyssa twice and nearly squashed Alyssa between the door and door-frame.   
• Nadya repeatedly tried to jump/climb on me when I was feeding Alyssa her medicine, despite being told not to. 
• Nadya refused to feed herself lunch or dinner. 
• Alyssa tore open a package of things despite being told not to. When I chided her, she announced "Don't like Mama!!"
• Nadya refusing to lower her volume at night even though Alyssa was already sleeping.

In the future, I might look back at these days and laugh at myself for being uptight or impatient. I might brush these things off with a wave of my hand or treat them as no biggies. 

But for now, for yesterday, the frustration was real. 

Sunday Screamfest

It was a Sunday screamfest yesterday. 

The girls were screaming and being 自high. There were many occasions of naughtiness, defiance and you know, general toddler bratty behaviour. 

This mother's patience was wearing thin and screaming/shouting as a result. 

I think the immediate neighbours probably heard me a gazillion times scolding, threatening, shouting in exasperation and attempted dominance, nagging on repeat, etc. 

They probably did not see nor hear me wring my fingers in frustration, take big sighs to let out steam and hide in the toilet for awhile to regain some sanity. 

They probably also did not hear the alternate sessions of softer speech with the girls, when I forced myself to calm down a little and speak  to them in a lower tone, when I tried to reason with Nadya, when I tried to explain why I was reacting in such a manner, when I tried to implore them (especially Nadya) to behave, when I tried to teach things like basic courtesy (but was royally ignored). 

Nobody heard my heart beating loudly in my chest. 

Nobody felt the throbbing in my head. 

Nobody knew how grating the girls' shrieks had become to my ears yesterday. 

I just need a day or two of not speaking to anyone. No one. Not even the kids. Not even K.  

To rest up. To cook a bowl of soba for myself. To sleep. To draw. To color. To cry. To stone. 

To just be. 

I don't think that's possible though.