Of ballet & gymnastics

Nadya is having her ballet Grade 1 examination this morning. Good luck sweetie!! Months of preparation and practice for this 30-45mins session today. May it go smoothly for you baby girl!

Just realised she started ballet 5yrs ago and I've been a "ballet mum" for that long haha. But this is her first formal graded exam by the Royal Academy of Dance in the UK. :) 

I've gotten better at tying hair buns too ;p And using hair gel and hair spray haha. 

Alyssa started ballet when she 3 as well. The dance teacher said she was doing pretty ok but I guess Alyssa's heart wasn't fully in it. Alyssa just stopped her ballet lessons in school, and is now taking gymnastics elsewhere. Still taking baby steps in gymnastics but we're happy seeing her smile and enjoy the lessons so far. :)

Sick. Was.

Was down the last few days. Haven't been this unwell since a long time back. 

Had a bad congested nose which was constantly leaking last Wednesday. I filled up my wastepaper basket with used tissue and had to put aloe vera gel on my nose to prevent it from getting too raw. 

K wasn't doing too good either and woke on Thursday morning with a bad throat. We went to the clinic and....ended up getting swabbed and given a 5-day MC with a mandatory order to stay at home at all times. 

The swab wasn't painful, but it felt weird. I didn't know something could go so far back into my head through my nostril lol. Going through it made me cry involuntarily though. The doctor commented that it was ok as it was natural physical reaction, and that he had made many people cry this way already haha. 

In any case, we both received negative results 24hrs later....and had the mandatory stay home order lifted. 

It's been 6 days since my nose started leaking badly and I'm glad to say I feel alot better today. Nose is still congested a little but I can breathe alot better compared to the start when I was mostly breathing through my mouth. Sore throat's gone as well. There's some lingering cough which I think will clear up on its own soon enough. Voice isn't back to normal yet but getting there. :) 

May I heal fully in the next 2-3 days!!

*crrrack*

On the last day of my 5-day MC.

It was sunny earlier on but now extremely dark and cloudy, with a slight drizzle. I wouldn't even call it a full-fledged rain yet but there was a sudden lightning flash followed by a huge-ass crack of thunder. 

It was strange but I wasn't that surprised by the sudden loud sound. And my immediate thought was actually "I hope the girls are ok in their schools and didn't get a shock." 

Wish I could give them a hug and tell them that it's ok, it's just thunder...and Mama loves you...

4th time back in office since March 2020

Been in office since 9am this morning. It's 3-plus now. 

I feel exhausted already. Many things going on this morning and I had to speak to various people in person. (2 colleagues and 1 IT support guy). Not interacting in person for a whole year has made me even more "anti-social" lol....Talking F2F for long periods makes me tired...

I want to hide in my corner and be quiet...and do my own things....lol.

Reminder

This week has been strange for me. 

Fatigued, lembeh, stomach cramps here and there, bloatedness, grogginess, difficulty concentrating sometimes, calves aching sometimes...

Taking things slowly now...

I think the symptoms are there...some of them are what I felt back in early/mid 2019. 

Need to manage myself better...

要记得， 不能再让自己进入那年的状态....

Borders, cut-offs, delineations.....

Either that or my hormones are acting up alot this time round before my cycle arrives....

Weird dream

I had a dream. A weird one. 

I dreamt I was recently hired by Tan Jian Hao, the Singaporean Youtuber. For some reason, he owned a resort/spa and I was hired as the Operations Manager to help turn it around. It was quite a run-down place and the previous manager obviously didn't do a good job at upkeeping the place. Sand was all over the place; fountains, water features and jacuzzis weren't working as they should; dustballs were all over; rattan furniture pieces were frayed and in need of repair; water in pools were not filtered and recycled but stagnant and a little smelly, etc.

Gosh... haha....what a strange dream...

But even in the dream, I felt a little stressed. 

Body & mind telling me to take things easy? Note to self...and reminder to self...

Star Pupil!

Nadya was conferred the title of Star Pupil for Term 1 for her class. She was given a magnetic badge that could be attached to her attire as well as a certificate!

Needless to say, she was proud and happy. She was skipping around all evening haha. 
We're proud too. :) As are both sets of grandparents haha. 

I asked her what does it take to become a Star Pupil and she rattled off a bunch of traits including: needing to be a responsible and respectful person, helpful and kind to others, etc.

Well done Nadya. Keep it up!

Onwards and upwards!

Loud sounds

I have this thing about loud sounds and noises. I get very scared. 
If I'm given sufficient warning, I can steel myself and I'll be fine. 

I'm not sure how this all started but the earliest incident I know was when I was 8 and at an annual Xmas party at my Uncle's place. I was told I ran out of the house flustered and in tears when they started blasting Xmas carols loudly. I only vaguely remember being in great fear, feeling lost and afraid even though all my relatives were around, and that I couldn't handle it. 

I can handle balloons and/or audio sets. But there are times when my defenses are "weaker" and I get triggered by them. A single balloon near me is enough for the fear to well up deep within me and I need to escape somewhere to do deep breathing to calm myself down. 

The aircon guys are here today to install a new system for the bedrooms, and change the old piping. 

I didn't expect the work to be that loud. The initial drill caught me by surprise. It was the type of drilling where you can feel the vibrations course through your body. I was stuck in the living room with nowhere to go. Could only plug my ears with my earphones. No music was playing though. 

I've managed to tune some of the noise out. I hope to be able to concentrate on my work soon.
Today's an assigned day for policy work....

all the tillies

I'm a proud grandmama.

A week before CNY, 2 tillies bloomed wondrously. 

The single druid - the "pineapple" I've had for the last few years which I brought home from office - gave no warning and turned yellowish for 2-3 days and then voila, out popped 3 long white flowers. The girls were excited haha. It has since sprung out 2 pups and I'm looking after both mother and pups with care now. :)

The ionantha clump of 3 I had was a mother with 2 pups. Not sure what species of ionantha this clump is....but when I first got it, both pups were smaller than the mum. They've since grown a lot and are bigger than their mum now. Both pups are now full grown and they bloomed a week before CNY too. They blushed into a nice shade of maroon beautifully and then had 3 long purple flowers each! Each of them now have pups of their own. One has 3 and one has 2. 

Gosh, wait....I just realised...I am a great-grandmama liao...not just a grandmama haha...

The rubra airplant that bloomed a few months back now has a thriving pup...and the pup's blushing slightly...the edges of its leaves are pinkish....so cute...:)

The xerographica's doing well. 

All 3 caput medusaes are doing well, with one of them blushing more than the others. This one had various hues of marron and purple...I wonder if it's going to bloom? If so, it'll be exciting! I've never had a caput medusae bloom before!

The brachycaulos is not doing well though....not sure what to do with it...can only just do the usual and hope it survives....

the heat...the tummy...

Since the weather turned quite warm over last weekend, I've been feeling a little out of sorts. 

Tired, half warm, half cold. 

Leaky and stuffed nose from the sudden change in weather and the dustiness from the next door's extensive renovations. 

Tummy's not doing too good either. Bloated for several days already. It's been manageable so far. Just the sluggishness that comes with it, the upper arm aches and slight breathlessness at times. This morning feels abit worse though. Maybe I'll purge soon, who knows. 

Weight's hovering around 47.5kg these few weeks. I'm happy it went up, even if just slightly. :) 

Reminders to Self

Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be.

 

Keep going! Keep walking! Keep moving!

A step at a time. Slowly but surely. 

Conversations with a 7-yr-old

During dinner...

N: Mama, do you know Steve Jobs?

Me: Yup...

N: Do you know that he quit college?

Me: Yeah I've heard that before...

N: He didn't graduate but he has a good brain and a very good growth mindset. I like it, I think it's good.

Simisai? Where did that come from? 

I probed further and found out that she learnt about Steve Jobs and having a growth mindset to "keep learning things" and "gain knowledge" at her school's morning assembly today. They have 30mins to an hour of assembly every Wednesday morning. 

Wow, they teach these to primary school kids? I can understand if it were for the upper primary kids but this was also shared with the P2 children? Wah....

......

Strange. After I took over, there's a sustained increase in weird cases and situations. Even situations that no one has ever encountered before in the 20-odd years that my department's been in existence. Zzzzz...even my staff attested to this....

From court orders served from the US, to an appeal case from a local entity, to phishing complaints and law enforcement agencies knocking on my door......to contracted parties pulling rubbish scenarios on us and other contracted parties giving us other operational headaches......

I hope these taper off soon...laoniang is quite tired...physically and mentally...

Jiayou....

Jiayou...

Jiayou...

Chloe

I happened to text Chloe on Monday to wish her Happy CNY and that I hoped she and baby A were doing well. 

And then voila, I found out that they were leaving for the States today. Guess the hairs on the back of my neck have some special sensors or what. It was a bittersweet piece of news for me. Part glad they were making headways in their plans, and part sad to see her leave Singapore.  

Glad to have had some short exchanges with her over Whatsapp on Monday and today. She was one of those whom I had no qualms sharing anything and everything with back when I was in my mid-20s. We shared some pretty wild secrets and MSN conversations during those days as well. She knew all, if not most, sides of me back then. And I'd always admired that good, strong mind of hers. She wrote pretty well too. Awesome vibes and flowy passages. Miss reading her thoughts on her blog. 

Life as it is with work and kids and her stint abroad and general busy-ness didn't allow much catch-up sessions in the years since then but I was happy to be at her wedding in end November 2018. 

I wish her and Atom the very best in the States and of course baby Alisha too! 

The pandemic situation's pretty rough in the US now and I hope all of them stay safe and healthy...if there's a chance he gets a job back in Singapore again, they may move back here...so...let's see. 

Like I told her this morning: "You always bloom everywhere and anywhere you go." 

May they settle down well there and may baby A grow up well!

Dream

I had a dream last night. It had the same recurring theme of me being lost. 

But it was in a different setting this time round. It wasn't set in a school or compound or office building. 

I was with a colleague and we were trying to get a cab to go home. We thought of cab-pooling and having the driver drop us off at 2 locations. Thing was, we were waiting at a bus-stop for a cab, I don't know why. And we were at a HDB estate as well, though the surroundings were very unfamiliar to me. The road was very busy and it was quite difficult to get a cab. I was increasingly desperate but a cab finally came. I can't remember its colour. I remember it was driven by an auntie though. She ended up going round and round, just not to our homes. She somehow couldn't find her way. 

I checked the phone on my map and kept trying to tell her where to go, but to no avail. We were scared shitless and she finally decided to drop us at a cab stand in the CBD area. She didn't take any fare from us. Said she was righteous and since she didn't bring us to where we wanted, she wouldn't collect any fare from us. It was late evening and there was a crowd at the cab-stand. Officer workers trying to get home after having dinner and drinks. For some reason, I lost contact with my colleague. I knew she was somewhere near but she just wasn't next to me anymore and I couldn't see her at all. I felt lost and scared. 

And the dream ended....abruptly...no conclusion, nothing. 

This theme of being lost in my dreams...has been consistent since many years ago...I may not dream for awhile or have other types of dreams...but once in a while this dream of being lost will pop up, sometimes more frequently, sometimes once in a blue blue moon. 

..........

Sometimes I don't need advice.

Sometimes, and in fact, most of the time, I just need a little support and a little encouragement. 

A listening ear.

Just being present and around. 

Words of comfort.

Words of encouragement. 

Words of affirmation. 

A calm presence.

Ganbatte

For some people, it makes them feel alive when they exercise and feel their heart rate increase, or when they feel their muscle ache after their exercise. Or when they feel breathless and pant. 

I don't. It makes me feel slightly accomplished for a few seconds, and then it makes me uneasy, uncomfortable and nervous. It makes me have thoughts and ask questions like: why is my heart beating so fast? Am I ok? Is this heart rate acceptable for someone of my age and (non)ability? What if I collapse now? Will anyone rescue me? I don't have any ID on me, will they know who I am? Will I be ok? Why do my calves hurt? I hope my legs are ok. I hope I am ok. ......

And that. Is the anxiety at work (and at play). 

It is something I work at overcoming alot of the time these 2 years. There are better times and there are worse times. And there are days I surrender to sleep at 930pm because I want to rest my physically tired body, and my mentally and emotionally tired mind. Sometimes, I think it's a form of "escape". And that is why I feel annoyed and exasperated when my sleep gets interrupted. Sleep is an essential recharge to me. 

That said, I am still thankful that I do still feel happy and alive when I ......

• feel the wind in my face
• feel the sun on my skin
• hear the girls' excited chatter and pitter-pattering of feet
• eat nice food
• watch the sky at dusk
• laugh out loud uninhibitedly
• act silly uninhibitedly
• have meals with my family and/or K's parents
• laugh out loud when I watch K-variety shows
• catch up with close friends
• have a small date with K...
• ......, etc

Onwards and upwards. 

Keep walking. Keep moving. 

Keep trying. Keep going. 

You can do this. 

I can do this!

It. Has. Started.

Reno. 

Unit directly opposite us. 

Drilling started this morning at 930/945am. 

According to the notice put up at the lift landing, reno is supposed to be till 1 June. Though my new neighbour dropped us a card (with some chocs) saying they'll be shifting in sometime end May. That is still at least a 3mth long renovation. 

*wails*

noisy & dusty...

hope my skin sensitivities don't flare up....*fingers crossed* 

Reiki

There is a particular piece of Meditation music that I usually listen to when working. 

Recently stumbled on a piece that is purely on Reiki music and Zen meditation. Wah sibei like!! 

Reiki music is my new go-to music now to for when I need calmness and focus...:) 

Reading up more too on what Reiki actually is and how it harnesses the body's and Earth's natural energy to boost and improve one's physical, emotional and mental well-being.

That. Chapter.

that long awkward period

where you are no longer a spring chicken

but can't quite count as an old hen either

that strange season

when you discover that your hair can turn white as well

and that wrinkles and crinkles start appearing in your dictionary

that phase

when you start feeling awkward and exposed in spaghetti, tube and halter tops (which were past staples)

and instead prefer to be in loose T-shirts and even looser dresses

that period of time

when you realise your skin no longer "boings"

and that cellulite, sebum, varicose and gravity have started to leave their (unsightly) marks

that hugeass BLT sandwich of a time

when you are worried for both your young ones and your older ones

and are also worried for your own health, be it mental and physical or emotional 

that passage of time

when you can no longer hide under the guise of "youth" and "inexperience" at work

and instead are now responsible for others reporting to you

that stage

when you've grown up somewhat

but don't really wish to 

that. chapter.