That special day

8th of October quietly slipped us by. It was our ROM anniversary. It was exactly a week ago, last Thursday. I guess the both of us were tired and preoccupied with the new baby, as well as Little Baby's 2nd birthday, which was on the 9th. 

K and I had our ROM ceremony on the 8th of October 2011, 4 years ago. It was a cosy affair with only 12 people in attendance. Well, 13 if you include the Justice of Peace. I still remember his name, Mr Simon Sim. Only our immediate family members were present. I remember I was very happy that my grandmother was still in relatively ok health and was able to attend the ceremony.  

It was an intimate and cosy lunch. We had wanted it that way. Simple, no frills and no fuss, with only our dearest loved ones witnessing our marriage oaths. 

It was a Peranakan lunch. I remember we scoured Google for a list of Peranakan places in Singapore. We went to several of them to try their food, view the suitability of their premises and of course, to check out their event prices. 

True Blue Cuisine at Armenian Street was our last visit and we fell in love with the place. At the time, I had only been to their original location before and not this one. We eventually booked their private dining room. 

In a flash, 4 years have passed. And now, by God's blessing, we are a family of 4. 

Baby, thank you for being with me and tolerating the temperamental me. Like what you said, there are ups and downs. What is more important is that there are more ups in our journey together. 

手牵手，我们一起走。

Let's create more ups in this journey, together with Little Baby and Peanut. :) 

Muacks!

Horrors!!!

Realised that I can't wear many of my clothes anymore. Even those stuff that I used to wear at home. And worse, my work clothes. 

Mega Bleah. 

And mega FML! 

Does this mean I need a major major major major wardrobe overhaul? 

Wah 没钱了啦!

*wails*

Ok wait....it's only been 3 weeks since Peanut popped from me...

Maybe....

Maybe I should calm down abit and give myself a month (or two?) more before I take stock of the situation again.....

Ohm...

Opps....

A few days ago, I was pumping milk and my T-shirt was hiked up. Little Baby walked in on me and saw me in that state. She understands now what "pumping milk" means. But I didn't expect her to comment on something else.....

N: Mama pump milk.
Me: Yes...
N: Mama never wear T-shirt. Shame Shame. *wags her finger at me*
Me: .....

Tio suan by my 2-yr-old daughter....

Work again

It has started. The wheels have started turning.

The part of my work which was assigned to be covered by The Coll has been re-assigned to LH, the lady who has been eyeing this part of my work for the longest time.

Win liao.

While she can handle the marketing portion of it, I am not that confident of whether she can handle the policy and paper-writing portions of it. Especially when I am not in office.

While I know I probably shouldn't be getting myself worked up and worried over this thing....I can't help but do so. Why? Because I started this particular work item and now it's being handled by someone else. AND....because future matters related to this w=sort of work could very well be taken away from me when I go back to work in Feb next year.

Sigh. Whatever lah.
Just a 打工仔.....:(


Seriously wondering if I can ever have a flexi job or a PT job or a work from home job in the upcoming years.....

Multi-tasking

Is when you are...

holding your 3-week-old baby with one arm,

breastfeeding her,

hugging your 2-yr-old daughter with your other arm,

singing "This Old Man",

and giving instructions to your helper...

...all at the same time. 

Work

I work in a niche industry. Too specialised actually, till most people don't really understand what I am doing in my work. I try explaining but most times I end up drawing blank stares.

My team is small. We are only a bunch of 10 people including the boss. Each person has a set of focused roles and areas to work on.

When I went on maternity leave, my duties were split up amongst 3 to 4 different people. As you can see, although we are focused in our roles, my role is still abit more cross-functional, to the extent that my work needed to be split up between 3 to 4 people. Chapalang? Perhaps. I deal with industry policy matters, international relations and policy matters, some corporate company-level matters, some aspects of marketing, and some aspects of operations. And a quarter of the time, like how my boss' PA says, I am also my boss' PA and consultant.

It is interesting to note how things are playing out now that I am on maternity leave.

Coll the Troll is covering me for a particular item. There is a particular lady, LH, who seems rather intent on taking over this piece of work from The Coll. She has even written to my boss to seek permission to take over from The Coll, but mentioned that she will "leave it to my boss' decision" as she does not want to "rob" this piece of work from The Coll. 

My work is so 强手 and popular meh? Might as well take it all.

A new boss has also just come in as my current boss has just retired. The new boss is understudying my old boss. Old boss has actually stepped down but will be around as a consultant for one more year so that he can guide the new boss. (Niche industry, the new boss needs to learn and pick up a lot of things. Old boss also has alot of legacy knowledge which would be of use to the organisation.)

Changing dynamics everyday. Who knows?
Maybe when I go back to work next year, my role will be greatly diminished with responsibilities taken away from me. Who knows for sure??

My Dad, the fan of Korean stuff...

It's the rage these days for parents to organise birthday parties for their kids who are attending classes in childcare centres. (And it seems the rage has continued to primary school classes as well...Hmm...)

Goodie bags are usually given out at these parties and over the course of the last half a year, Little Baby has brought home her fair share of these goodie bags. They are usually filled with snacks but one particular bag came with a pack of high-quality crayons from Korea. 

On that crayon pack and on each stick of crayon, there were cartoons of the characters in the below picture. 

I don't recognise them. I don't know who they are. To me, they are just cartoon figures. Cute cartoon figures having fun in the snow. 

My parents came over yesterday on Sunday. And Little Baby showed my Dad this particular packet of crayons. My Dad saw the packaging and the above cartoon characters and immediately said "Oh! Pororo!" 

"Simi Pororo?!" I muttered. 

"You don't know meh?!! Pororo is a cartoon from Korea...there, this penguin is the main character. He's Pororo.", came my Dad's response. 

Ok, I thought the penguin was a duck actually. Doesn't resemble a penguin to me at all. 

And well...my 73-year old Dad's obsession with Kpop and Girls Generstion has since morphed into K-reality shows and other K-stuff. 

You see? He knows more Korean stuff and Korean culture then I do. Goes to show how much time he spends watching YouTube and the Korean cable TH channel KBS. 真是佩服他.....

Mother's milk

I have come to realise that the breastfeeding journey is a lonely one. It was so back then with Little Baby and it is so now as well with Peanut.

While there may be friends around to provide some encouragement, ultimately it boils down to yourself and your baby, and how the two of you try to get in sync with each other. 

While there are lesser discouraging remarks from people close to me this time, there hasn't been overwhelming support as well. Perhaps staying neutral is their way of simply not being discouraging. 

The confinement nanny plays a part too. The nanny this time round is abit more open and neutral to the concept of breastfeeding compared to Little Baby's nanny. But today she said something which threw a bucket of cold water over me...sigh. "你要也是可以啦。可以给她吸一下咯。反正她只是吸爽而已，她哪里会吸的够?" 

Doesn't help much that Peanut is a voracious drinker and my body is taking a snail's speed to increase my milk supply. Supplementing with formula seems the only way to go right now. 

Oh well...all I can say is JIAYOU! 

Persevere.... 

Errrrrrr.....

I just spent a good 30mins clearing away some stuff from this organically growing pile in one corner of our master bedroom.

I can't see the effect the 30mins had on this pile. I can't see any effect actually. 

Ack! FML!

How Ah? :(((

Small house = not enough space? = not enough nook and crannies? 

Hmm....either I need to de-clutter more and maybe throw out some stuff....or I need to be more creative in creating more storage spaces...

Plus the kids' things and clothes and toys are another pile that is growing organically and exponentially...I cannot imagine when Xmas comes...

干-妮-那

Auntie, 你平时讲话直接，我就当作是你没经过大脑才重复地说了那句话。我也可以当作你在放屁。

我虽然没你那么多年的经验，但我至少也已经是个两岁大孩子的妈妈。Give me some credit can??? 

妈的。本来心情还好的，就这样现在有了个小乌云。

======

I'm rather suay too. This morning marks the first time I am changing Peanut's diaper. The nanny was cooking so I thought I'd just do it myself. 

Prank #1. And so she decided to pee a second time while I was changing her out of her first soiled diaper. She sprayed her face and clothes with her pee. I have no idea how she sprayed so high up but whatever, I'll leave the figuring out to another day. 

Prank #2. So then I needed to wipe her down and change her out of her clothes. She decides to wail big time, her face got so red she looked like she'd just climbed out of a sauna or something. And then she decided to give a huge fart. The type that releases a big dribble of poo along with its explosive escape from the butt. 

And so Peanut wailed even louder. The nanny came in and took over at that point. I suppose she could bear no more that her charge was in the hands of what she deems as an inexperienced mother. She said to the baby several times "妈妈不会抹啦!" It grated on me in the end. 

I eventually said "为什么不会抹？不会抹meh? 我以前也是这样抹她的姐姐。"

Enough said.

======

Peanut seems rather attached to the nanny already. Praying for a peaceful time when the nanny leaves on the 25th of this month. 

Nabeh

I can seriously do without insensitive remarks and comments at this point in time. 

I'm trying my best. Why do some people, men in particular, treat a 9-month long pregnancy and the eventual delivery of a baby like as if it's a piece of cake? 

Do they know what is the toll a pregnancy takes on a woman? If pregnancy takes a lot from a healthy woman, what more me? I'm not exactly a very fit and healthy woman with a clean medical history. 

Don't dismiss my efforts. Don't write me off. Don't belittle me. Don't do this all the time. 

否则，我怕有一天我会爆。

Food preferences - part 2

K and I had a conversation recently about my nephew. 

My nephew doesn't dare take anything that resembles chilli or any chilli or curry/related food dishes. He is 12 this year. K felt that my parents and brother need not come down so much on my nephew just because he doesn't dare take spicy foods. 

I agree somewhat. No one should be made uncomfortable of his or her own choices and preferences. No one should impose his or her opinions and expectations on another. Nor try to shove it down their throats. 

I don't take durian and I don't like yoghurt. I did not write them off after a single try. I've tried them on multiple occasions and reached the conclusion that I simply do not like them. My tastebuds don't deal well with these foods. Most people around me know I don't take these foods but there are still some who still ask me, rather seriously might I add, to try these foods. Enough already. Argh. 

Food preferences

For the longest time, well, for all my life actually, I've met with people who react in  over-the-top ways when they find out I can't take chinese herbs or anything similar to those. 

There are the nice folks who just accept what I tell them and don't force me to try new foods or try to explain to me that I am missing out on things. Maybe they might ask why I can't take herbs but after a simple short explanation, they simply accept it and leave it at that. That is good with me. I like it that way. No bossy or nosey reactions. And I do expect this from people close to me. 

And then there are others who give me grief. Some alot, some little but all still make me frustrated. Some of these folks were relatives actually, one of whom actually went into a 15min lecture (during a festive gathering of all times) about what I can eat or cannot eat. Hello, I decide what I want or don't want to ingest alright. Don't go imposing your thoughts and opinions on me. 

Relatives aside, some people whom I might have only just met also feel that it is their duty to dig deeper and influence my eating habits. They try to "educate" me on what is considered a herb and what is not, or what is used in TCM and what is not. Some other people try to probe deeper into my medical condition and cannot sense my unwillingness to continue the conversation any further. 

It's been all my life that I've faced these people. I've learnt to brush it off. 

Maybe my hormones are out of whack now so I feel rather irked and perturbed by it today.

Conversations with a 24-month old

It was Thursday morning, K was getting ready for work when Little Baby wanted him to carry her. He was topless.

N: Dada wear T-shirt.
K: Ok.  *proceeds to take the T-shirt which he wore while sleeping the night before*
N: No, not this one. Smelly. Take new one.
K: .........

==========
With Peanut's birth came the SG50 government goodie bag. In it was a muslin cloth, a blanket of sorts. Little Baby took a liking to it and hugged it while walking around. She eventually wanted to hug it to sleep as well.

Me: Nadya it's warm. Let me keep the blanket, ok?
Me: *proceeds to pry/pull/take the item from her*
N: Mama, no! Don't pull! Don't touch! Cannot.
Me: .........

==========
It was night, I was putting Little Baby to sleep when she heard the main door close. She thought it was K and wanted to go greet her Daddy. She got out of bed, and scampered outside the bedroom. She came back pretty quickly.

Me: Was that Dada?
N: No. Not Dada. Auntie Maryann (my helper) only.

==========

Sometimes, I feel like I'm talking to a 3 or 4 year old.

Happy Birthday!

Today is the 9th of October 2015.

How time flies. 2 years ago on this day, Nadya aka Little Baby was born at 9:58am, weighing 2.75kg and measuring 47cm in length. Now 2 years later, she's an energetic little tot, weighing 12kg and measuring 83/84cm in height.

From a colicky and fidgety baby, she's since morphed into a wonderful and intelligent little girl. Insightful, observant and a fast learner, never a day passes these days where I do not get surprised or amazed by something she says or does. She is strong in her speech and extremely observant. She's got a good memory as well and loves her raisins and egg tofu. Affectionate when she chooses to, emphathetic when the situation calls for it, cheeky and mischievous when you least expect it, quirky when she decides to be, I couldn't ask for more.

Of course, there's the other side of her. The rebellious, cantankerous and stubborn little girl but I guess that's how things balances out, the yin and the yang. Without these cranky traits, she would not be able to learn and test limits, nor get acquainted with rules and boundaries.

Carry on growing well my baby...you must remember always that Dada and Mama love you a lot a lot a lot.

Happy 2nd Birthday Sweetheart!

Post-partum II

13 days post-partum

- Linea nigra and darkened spots are still there 

- Facial skin, while still bumpy and lacklustre, is doing better from the loooong break of not wearing any form of makeup. 

- Hands and fingers and even feet are rather dry but I am lazy to apply moisturizer while at home. 

- Belly has gone down a little. I am looking 5 months pregnant instead of 6-7months. 

- Milk supply has increased only slightly. I need to try to pump more frequently. 

- it's been 5 days since I stopped taking Ponstan (the painkiller suspected of giving me an allergy rash). It has been 2 days since I weaned myself off Panadol as an alternate painkiller. Glad I am still doing alright. Pain is transient. I do fine if I don't overstrain myself. 

- Allergy rash is finally subsiding after being stubborn for the first 3 days. The minor areas have faded while the more stubborn and angry areas are showing signs of darkening and drying up. May they all go away by the end of this week. 

- Panda eyes are still there....

- New patches of spider-web looking varicose veins have shown up on my left foot. Oh well.....

- No more swollen feet from water retention since I started drinking more water instead of the longan red date tea.

- Mum helped to take out the waterproof plaster covering my csec wound 2 days ago. Wound is 18-20cm long this time round. Compared to 12-15cm previously. Discovered red nylon looking threads/strings at both ends of the wound. I think those are meant to be the dissolvable type of stitch threads. Hope they disappear soon. Will need to check with the gynae if they don't disappear by the end of the month....

Supper? Breakfast?

It is 3:00am. I have just finished pumping and o have also just devoured an anpan bun K had gotten for me earlier in the afternoon.

For some reason, my mouth (or was it my tummy?) told me to grab a red bean bun when I went out to the kitchen and I ended up having it for supper. 

Or is it breakfast since it is morning already?.....

Of sounds

Disclaimer: The below contains many references to breasts or boobs, milk or breastmilk and breastfeeding in general. Do not proceed if reading the previous sentence alone invokes any sign of disgust or queasiness in you. 

The Slurp

One of the nicest sounds in the world is the sound of your baby slurping and suckling at your breast. It represents fulfillment, that you are meeting some of her needs; and joy, being able to eat and drink is a blessing; and also wonder, that something that feels so beautiful feels so natural too. 

Yes, because I am cheesy like that. :)

The Whrrr

The whrrr-ing aound of the breast pump machine is ......rather annoying at times. I cannot imagine the irritation K feels when I use it in the middle of the night. 

Sorry sayang....hope I didn't disrupt too much of your sleep.....

The Cry

Hearing the baby cry can trigger a letdown. True story. Letdown in this case refers not to disappointment but rather to the boobs releasing their stash of stored milk voluntarily on their own. It's like they have a life of their own. 

Here's my theory and understanding of why it happens. Baby cry - Brain interprets it as "oh baby hungry" - Brain goes into problem-solving mode and translates that into "baby need milk" - Brain then transmits action trigger command to boobs - Boobs receive action command and releases milk.

Yes and the above process takes a split second to occur. Hence, the invention of breast pads. 

The Mew

One of the other nicest sounds in the world is when your baby mews. Like a kitten. For some reason, Peanut is mewing much more than Little Baby did when she was around the same age. I'm loving it hahha. She was mewing while searching for a boob to latch on earlier this evening when I was carrying her.  Awesome possum sound that mewing is.  :) 

Definition

And the definition of FML is....

The moment you realise that your belly actually protrudes out from your body more so than your boobs. 

Ouchness

Part #1

Last evening. Drank water and spluttered. Involuntarily coughed several times. Damn it, the wound hurt real bad! 

Part #2

This afternoon, N brought to me a $2 note crumpled up in her fist. 

"Mama, crushed already." She announced to me.

She then proceeded to open the note up and showed me the man printed on the note. 

"You suck suck." She said. 

"You suck suck???!!" I exclaimed. She nodded earnestly. 

And then it hit me. Darn. Yusof Ishak. She was trying to say his name. 

I broke into peals of laughter!!! 

And damn it, the wound hurt real bad lol. I was clutching the area and was sweating profusely by the time I stopped laughing. 

Part #3

I was breastfeeding Peanut when she decided to chomp down on whatever was nestled in her mouth. N was just next to me on the bed. Expletives flew across my mind but I could only grimace in person.....must set proper example for the children right? -_-''

Gratitude

It's 2:15am. 

The air is still, the night is dark. With it comes some measure of peace, calmness and clarity. 

I am thankful, for a relatively smooth pregnancy and delivery. I pray now for a smooth and quick recovery process. 

I am thankful for the love, care and well-wishes received from friends and family, from my neighbours and from the nurses at SGH. 

I am thankful, that Nadya has so far been a great jiejie who has been dishing out loving pats and "sayangs" and some kisses to her meimei.

I am thankful that my milk supply is still present and increasing, although rather slowly and not as fast as I wish it could be. 

I am thankful for having K around. He has run errands like nobody's business, looks after Nadya, and been my PA for the past week. 

I am thankful for having a helper at home who has been washing bottles and bottles and more bottles, and also doing laundry, laundry and more laundry. 

I am thankful for my mum who has also been running back and forth between her home and mine, helping me out and accompanying me whenever she can. 

I am thankful that I can feel the pain from the surgery wound, for it means I am well and alive. 

I am thankful that despite being "trolled" by a confinement nanny who went back on her word and told me a week before my delivery that she wasn't going to take up my case, she was at least nice enough to find me a replacement. 

I am thankful that Alyssa's jaundice is showing signs of improvement and that her eyes aren't as rheumy as they were several days ago. 

I am thankful.

Hives please go away....

Rash and hives are still present. Itch is still present though getting slightly lesser. Yes, only slightly lesser. Trying not to scratch. 

I'm still red and bumpy. This is how the back of my right thigh is right now. 

Really hope this goes off soon. 

Side note.

Pain level has increased since I stopped taking the painkiller. Panadol does not work much. I'm hobbling more again and I can't walk straight. Nursing the baby causes slight discomfort as well since she is lying prone on my tummy and there is added weight on the wound area. 

Willing myself to be stronger. This shall pass and get better with time. 

Jiayou Michelle...!

Itchy itchy

One of those xian-half moments occurred today. 

I've had rashes for the last few days. But it morphed into hives last night and this morning the rashes appeared on my arms and right hand as well. 

Went to a GP earlier this afternoon and was given anti-histamine pills to take as well as a steroid cream to apply on the affected areas. Rash seems quite a lot according to the doctor, with the worse hit being the back of my right thigh, and the hip areas below the support binder I am wearing after the csec op. 

I asked what might have caused the flareup. After some fact finding and discussion, we narrowed it down to two possibilities: (1) the rice wine the confinement nanny was using in my food and...(2) the painkiller I was taking, Ponstan. Was told to lay off these things and  only rely on Panadol as a painkiller. 

I hope the hives and rashes clear up soon. Don't want to spread unnecessary stuff to the two little girls at home....

Quiet moments - part two

I've not had as much time for bonding with Peanut as I would like. Partly because I know I should be resting more now when the confinement nanny is still around. And partly also because she is still sleeping like 90% of the time. 

I try to breastfeed her directly when I can. And I treasure such quiet moments.

Holding her in my arms with her head nestled in the crook of my elbow. Stroking her small round head full of soft downy hair. Breathing in her heady newborn scent. Taking in the feel of her velvety skin. 

I love how she gives out mewing sounds. So utterly endearing. I don't recall Little Baby mewing so much last time. 

I love how she stretches her arm and arches her back. Stretch more darling! You'll grow faster. According to all the nannies I've spoken to so far, stretching and arching of the back helps the baby grow faster physically. 

To be honest, it took me several days before I felt some bond with Little Baby last time when she was born. This time round with Peanut I felt it earlier, much earlier. 

I don't know. It could be that I am a second-time mum. It could also be that I know in my heart that this is my last pregnancy and this is the final baby that I will ever have to hold in my arms and call mine. Maybe, subconsciously, my mind knows that I need to treasure every possible moment with Peanut when she's still small for I won't get to experience it ever again...

Smiling in her sleep. Maybe her guardian angel just gave her a kiss. 

She seems to feel better sleeping with one of her arms out and not swaddled up. 

Quiet moments

I put Little Baby to sleep tonight. She wanted me to be with her. So I sat in her bed and hummed the song "This Old Man" softly in repeat mode. I stroked her hair while humming. She burrowed her head against my thigh. 

The lights were off and only the faint light coming from the neighbour's house opposite us illuminated her room. 

I love moments like these. Quiet moments. Just me and her. 

There was a special moment when she reached out a small pudgy hand and patted my thigh. The same thigh she was burrowed against. My heart melted. I felt loved. 

She fell asleep pretty quickly and lapsed into a steady deep breathing rhythm. I could have upped and gone back to my room at that point. 

But I lingered. I stayed for awhile longer. To savour the private time with her. 

Cheesy as it may sound, my heart was brimming with so much love for her I felt abit overwhelmed. 

Everyday, Mama misses the you of yesterday and looks forward to the you of tomorrow. 

Grow well little one. But don't grow too fast too......

Post-partum

It is 10pm now on the 1st of October. I gave up and took a warm shower about 45mins ago. Didn't wash my hair though. Will leave that for tomorrow. 

Chinese traditions dictate that  women in confinement are not supposed to bathe for the entire 30days of confinement. Some people follow the really traditional confinement period of 40days. I cannot imagine not bathing for that long an amount of time. Just a few days in this humid weather and I am getting a whole lot of rashes already. And actually, since I've been home, I've spent more than half my time holed up in my room with the aircon switched on. 

Anyway, I digressed. 

After my shower, I stood naked in front of the mirror. I look....what's the appropriate word to use? Sigh...

Post-partum.

Size

Still looking like I'm 6 or 7 months pregnant. Definitely bigger than after I delivered Little Baby back in 2013. Still looking pudgy and bloated. Cellulite seems to have found a home at the back of my thighs. My mum grabbed my thigh 2 days ago and quipped "still quite big." FML. 

With the amount of great tasting food (read: hard to resist) the confinement nanny is stuffing into me, doubt I'll lose weight anytime soon. Noticed too that I am getting hungry pretty easily. Perhaps due to my body producing milk...I don't know. 

Discolourations

The linea nigra dark lines and discolored patches of skin are still around. If my experience in 2013 is anything to go by, these discolourations take several months to go away fully. :( Don't like. 

The wound

The area around my Csec wound is still a little swollen. The Gynae vey kindly trimmed off my old scar during the op itself. I hope no scar tissue forms this time round. 

Milk

My milk supply came pretty quickly this time round. I got engorged on day 4 after delivery. Hope the supply maintains and hope it increases quickly too so I can ply Peanut with my milk to flush out her jaundice. I am not producing enough to match what she needs though. Supplementing with formula milk. 

Rashes 

Having them again. Same situation as back in 2013. Wore compression socks during the whole stay in hospital and the skin on my legs got quite sensitive after that. The night after I stopped wearing the compression socks, I was scratching non-stop behind my knees. Hope it clears away soon.

Water retention

I think I am having water retention. Worse than when I was pregnant. Perhaps I am not drinking enough water, perhaps I am drinking too much longan red date tea made by the confinement lady. My feet are slightly swollen. And I get a tingling feeling or slight aches in my feet from time to time. Ok, I shall resolve to drink more water. Heck what the confinement lady says. 

Home sweet home

It was home sweet home for me yesterday and for Peanut today...

It is 11 now and K has gone to the hospital to get her. What a relief it was to receive the hospital's call informing me that she could be discharged today. 

It is a little unfortunate though, that the haze is pretty bad. We have switched on the air purifier in Peanut's room and will leave the aircon on in there today. No choice. She's still too young to be breathing this air now...if adults are getting scratchy throats and teary eyes and runny noses....I worry for her. 

Both a relief and a worry that she is coming home haha. 

Mostly happiness though. My littlest baby is coming home very soon! 

Of boobs and milk

Just went through a marathon seesion with the aid of 2 nurses, one after the other. 

1 hour 15mins. 

Of painful massaging, manual squeezing and then machine pumping. I felt winded at one point when the nurse manually squeezed me. And yes I felt like a cow. 

My boobies were engorged. 

With all the effort, we managed to collect 20ml of breastmilk. Rather good for only the 4th day after delivery. 

But still below whatever Peanut needs right now to clear her of her jaundice. 

Not looking forward to 3hrs later. The nurse said I would need to massage and pump again later. And that engorgement takes around 24hours to clear. 

Zzzzzzzz

The kiddos

Missing Nadya badly. 

Missing Alyssa too. 

She's brought away to undergo phototherapy. And as such I'm staying a day more in hospital. A day more away from Nadya. 

Nvm...tahan...have to. Need to. 

2 kids - double the love, double the worries lol. 

Someday

Someday this little hand will grow bigger.

Someday these fingers will grow longer.

Someday this little hand will support my hand instead.

Day 3 of Peanut's Birth

Things are not as chaotic and haphazard as the first day. And I can truly say that I do enjoy the food and meals that are served to me. Pretty good actually. 

The nurses have been more than helpful, some more than others but generally all nice ladies. 

Peanut is doing alright and latching on me for long periods. I am still sore as a result. 

I am walking more. Forced myself to. Had another bout of physiotherapy and I'm glad I got a good one today. She was firm and knew what she was doing. Went to the washroom on my own earlier on. Achievement unlocked! :) 

The wound's still painful and I am still on painkillers. Not getting off them till at least a week plus later I think. 

Peanut is looking a little jaundiced. Hope she remains below the threshold level, otherwise she would need phototherapy. 

My appetite has improved tremendously today. I keep feeling like I am hungry. K bought quite a lot of buns and stuff for me in the afternoon and I initially thought they would last me till the middle of the night or even tomorrow morning. Erm, I finished them all before 1130pm this evening. Heh. 

Still looking pale...in slightly better spirits. But still as tired haha. 

月亮圆又圆

A little disappointed that I couldn't bring Nadya out for a walk this evening, the eve of the Mid-Autumn Festival. 

Last year we didn't walk around as well because she was unwell if I remember correctly. 

I'd gotten her a lovely Hello Kitty lantern this year which she initially loved but then grew bored of...zzz. 

Anyway, next year then. 

And anyway, we have Xmas to look forward to. :))

For now

Some peaceful moments before the humdrum of the day begins...it is 745am. 

It was a tough first half of the long night. The nurse gave in, like wtf after 5-6hrs of trying on my part to nurse, and agreed to top-up some formula milk for Peanut, who was still bawling hungrily at that hour. She was wheeled off at 230am and I finally could have some 3hrs of sleep. 

It is 745am now. I've already had my BP taken twice. Latched her for a short 15/20mins before she fell asleep and refused to latch further. 

And I've also had myself checked by 2 junior doctors, who clinically informed me that my "uterus has contracted". 

Um ok, right. I'm actually more concerned about the ache below my ribcage, I started. And the sore nipples, and the pain I feel in my wound area. And the....I went on. Oh it is "likely some musculoskeletal issue or the way you are lying down" they went....we will issue you some nipple cream. The senior registrar will be here later. And then they scampered off. 

Pshaw. They should have sent over more senior people in the first place who can answer my questions. Pffft.

Anyway, some peaceful moments for now. 

Little Baby will be coming to see Mama and meimei later this morning. Looking forward to seeing her. Missing her much. 

Sleeping soundly for now....

Shack, pale and zzzzz. 

Knn

Literally. In blood, sweat and tears. 

Latched from: 

8-830pm  left boob

850-950pm  right boob

1045-1110pm  left boob 

1245am-115am  right boob

Tired and sore. Aching and tearing. 

I thought the second kid was supposed to be easier?????!!!!  

Ppffffttttttt

Need to vent. 

Fuck this shit.

The pain. The panting. The breathlessness. The shuffling. The tenderness. The soreness. The sudden sharp pain that makes you gasp. The not knowing what time is it. The 'not daring to drink too much cos you don't want to spend half an hour making a trip to the toilet'. The weariness. The resignation. The fear. The lack of rest. The 'what the hell possessed me to go through this shit all over again' feeling. 

Is it only Day 2? 

Yes fine, I'm a weakling. 

/@&$7$>{^{*<¥}€{*]<|~?|!?!:@:((( 

Pain and painkillers

The regional epidural wore off pretty quickly this time round. 

Within 2 hours from when I was first given the shot, I could wriggle some of the toes on my right foot. And within 3 hours, I could feel the initial throbs of pain and discomfort from my contracting uterus and from where they cut me open to take Peanut out.

Within 4 hours I was breathless and panting from the increasing pain and requested for painkillers. For some reason, the pharmacists took extremely long to verify the type of painkiller I was to be given and I only managed to get my painkiller jab at 315pm, 5 hours after the initial epidural jab. 

By then I was holding the bed rails and not talking. If I had to speak, it would be in short huffs and puffs and in some sort of a whisper. 

This was what I was dreading the most. 

The aftermath. And the slow recovery process. 

Jiayou to me. 

Oh yes...

Oh, and for the record, Peanut's official name would be Alyssa. :) 

Meaning joy and happiness in Hebrew and noble in Getman, French and English. 

Chinese and dialect names are pending the fengshui master's expert advice. Akan datang. 

Peanut is here!

And so, we are four now. A family of four. 

Peanut arrived at 10:45am on 24 September 2015, Thursday, barely 30mins after I was given my regional epidural shot and roughly 45mins after I was wheeled to the operating theatre from my room in the ward. 

My first thought when I felt the baby being pushed and yanked out from my belly? 

"She sounds like a duck." 

Her wails resembled a duck's quack I kid you not. And yes, she's a screamer like her older sister. In fact, I think her lungs are stronger than her older sister's. 

They have the same hair at birth. Thick, black, waxy and oh so wavy...if Little Baby's hair sets a precedence of what is to come, then it means that by the age of 12-15months, 95% of Peanut's curls and waves would have disappeared. It'll be a waste I think. 

Peanut turned out to be a bigger baby. Gynae had predicted that she would be a small one like her older sister but...to her credit, she ended up being more than 3kg. 3.065kg to be exact. More than 300grams heavier than Little Baby. She measured 48cm at birth, just 1cm longer than Little Baby last time. 

Peanut had an extra piece of skin hanging from her left thumb. A "skin tag" is the official term for it. A narrow strip of skin with a knob of what resembles a ball of blood clot at the end of that string of skin. 

The paediatrician said the entire string of ball and skin would drop off on its own soon and that there would be no need to trim or snip that strip it off. And the PD also explained that the skin tag was likely an extra thumb that was not eventually formed. 

Gosh.

Anyway, I'm just glad that she has a full set of 10 fingers and toes where they are supposed to be. 

During our skin to skin contact nd bonding time, Peanut appeared to be rather content and comfortable to be on my chest. Naked, sticky and covered by numerous warm blankets, she fell asleep pretty quickly on my chest and bawled angrily when the midwife shifted her so that her mouth could be placed near my boob to encourage latching. 

She's a natural latcher like her older sister. I'm glad for it makes for easier breastfeeding. Only thing is...I only saw her for that hour of bonding time. 

She was then whisked off to a high dependency baby nursery due to low blood sugar levels, which could affect brain development. So she was being kept there for further observation. She seems to be doing better already and would likely be "returned" back to my room on Friday morning. 

While I miss having her with me, I think I appreciate more the opportunity to be sleeping peacefully tonight. Lol. I could do without bonding with her tonight I guess. Many a sleepless night filled with cries and milk and pee and poo looms ahead. 

We are stopping at two. 

Partly due to my age, and partly due to my health reasons. Even the gynae advised us to be content with 2 kiddos. 

I told myself to fully treasure Peanut's growth and developments going forward. And of course to love and appreciate Little Baby's progresses and achievements too. 

The plug

I've had a plug in me more times than I can remember. Well, definitely more than the fingers on my right hand. 

I've had it on both right and left hands, on the wrist, on the back of the hand and on the side of the wrist. 

This time round it's on the right hand, on the side of the wrist and done by a young man named Jeremy who seemed too nervous and young for my liking. He did not tell me to take a deep breath when he inserted the tube. I did it on my own, drawing from past experience. 

He took 5 vials of blood to run tests. I don't recall having so much taken from me during the previous delivery. :(( 

He then taped the plug in place. Didn't do that tidy a job I think. 

My wrist hurts a little now. :(  Hope it won't be too sore when the plug is eventually removed. I don't like it on my right hand. My master hand. Means I have to remind myself not to use or rely on that hand too much. 

Time check = 115am. 

F.O.O.D

It's the realisation of not being able to eat many things in the next few weeks that causes you to have cravings.....currently on my mind are....

- Hokkien mee 

- Char kway teow (have not had this for AGES)

- Chye tow kueh (both white and black ones!)

- Nonya bakzhang

- Fried beehoon with eggs

- My mum's fried rice

- BBQ chicken wings

- Simple tomato-based pasta 

- Chicken rice 

Ohm

In the words of Michael Jackson.....This is it!

K and I spent 2.5hrs waiting for admission. Worth the wait though. For we managed to get a private room. 

He has since gone home to look after N. 

It's 645pm now. Feeling kinda alone now. Good and bad. Having some me time but at the same time wanting some assuring company. Lol. Dilemma. 

I have no idea yet when the csec will be tomorrow. That is scary. It is like as if I can whisked off anytime to the OT. 

Trying to calm myself a little. The jitters are here on and off...as you can tell from my staccato disjointed writing. 

Day 0

Wearing unglam flip flops to the hospital...

Note to self: 

Need to buy nicer looking sandals or slippers to replace those I threw away...

Mama

Just saw this on FB: 

Mama: the glue that holds everything together even when she feels like she may fall apart. 

Loving it. 

Love my mum too. 

K is overseas these 2-3 days and so in this critical time, my mum came over to stay with me. :) 

The little girl has been relatively excited to have her Popo stay over. When she usually falls asleep at or around 9pm, she has been only falling asleep at 1015-1030 these 2 nights. I figure tomorrow night will be the same thing again lol. 

She now asks for Popo to be around during bedtime. My mum, who was lying in my bed earlier tonight, had to pretend to be asleep before the little girl finally gave up and agreed to go back to her own bed. 

Little (not so little?)

Little Baby is just about to turn 2 only. 

Yet, many people think she's 3 years old. Whether they meet her in person and interact with her or whether they have only seen her pictures. They all think she's 3 years old lol. 

Maybe it's the hair that makes her look more mature? She is of average height and size so I don't think those are the factors here. Hmm. 

Jiayou

I felt giddy and faint earlier today. It was late morning before lunch and my lips turned pale. I was scaring myself actually. I decided that it was probably because I didn't have enough food in me and also the humid weather. 

I sought my helper's assistance to bring lunch to me and I ate in bed. Scoffed down my rice and soup and then proceeded to concuss....for the next 4 hours. 

I'd woken up several times in between. Once due to N's teacher calling me and the rest of the time because I was alternating between feeling cold and feeling warm and switching on and off the aircon. 

When I finally woke at 430pm, I only felt slightly better. But at least I didn't have such pale lips anymore. I had heartburn though because I'd gone straight to lying down after my lunch, and as a result the food wasn't digesting properly. 

K is down with fever. I hope we hang in there. Just a week to go before I deliver. Praying to God that I keep well during these last few days...

Jiayou....

Incompetent fool

Strong words. But yes, I muttered them under my breath earlier. I was quite irritated. 

I'd gone to bed at 9pm because I wasn't feeling well. Only to be woken at 930pm by a call, from a banquet manager from a certain R_ _ _ _ _ _ z _ _ _ _ s Hotel. I am currently looking for a venue to host Peanut's manyue celebration and had written to them seeking a quote. 

So this guy called, identified himself and proceeded to tell me that I'd given him the wrong email address and as such he couldn't send me his quotation. 

Hello? Which planet are you from? If you managed to read my email enquiry in the first place, it means my email went through to you. Which means you just need to click "reply" to send over your information to me.

What do you mean I gave you the wrong email address?? 

He then insisted on verifying my email address and proceeded to spell it out in full. It reached a point where he realised he made a mistake in "copying and pasting" my email address wrongly, which was why his email bounced back to him. 

Hello? Which planet are you from? You do not call a customer up at 930pm for such a ridiculous issue when you could have double-checked your own work! 

Also, Sales and Marleting 101. You DO NOT call your customer after working hours unless you have been given the mandate and permission to! In this case, I am not even a customer yet, just a potential customer. 

How do you expect me to trust you to do a good job of handling my 80/100 pax event if you can't even handle my email query properly? 

So yes, I muttered those words out of irritation after I ended the call with this guy. 

Am I harsh? Perhaps. I am usually more patient but he caught me in a bad time. And the ridiculousness of his reason for calling grated on me too much. 

And now, thanks to his guy's interruption, I can't get back to sleep. It's been an hour since the call. Argh. 

Home improvement

Not quite how you would expect a home improvement to be but well...

Just did up a small wall in little baby's room. I bought this height measuring sticker and adornments way back in April but never got round to putting it up on her wall. 

Finally did it this morning. And realised that the measuring tape starts only from 65cm...strange. 

Anyway, hope she likes it, what with the dancing elephant, prancing monkey, lion, giraffe and stars. :) 

My small surprise for her. I shall see if I can video her reaction his evening when she comes home. :)))

Voila

3rd completed piece.

This end-product didn't quite touch my heart the way the 2nd piece did though. 

Guilt

There's that feeling of guilt. An awful lot of it. 

That I cannot provide Little Baby with enough comfort in her time of need. She has been cranky and a little unwell recently and had asked for me to carry her. 

I've had to reject her time and again. I could only offer to hug her on the sofa or in a bed or hold her hands...to which she would refuse. 

And the thought that I can't carry her till maybe 2-3 months later (need to let the csec wound heal sufficiently first before I can carry heavy loads) just makes me feel even worse. 

Boo. :( 

I miss the times when she hugs me or pats me or buries her head in my shoulder when I carry her....

Beanie pillows

What do you do when you are too heavy and achy to walk far, and hence can't shop? You go online instead and let your fingers do the browsing. 

Qoo10 has earned a huge pile from me over the last several months/weeks. 

My latest purchase just arrived. Realised I forgot to prepare beansprout pillows for Peanut. And voila...online I went about 6 days ago and ordered 2 pillows. 

2 days ago the pillows arrived...loving the designs...the owl one is pretty cute. 

Trying to sun them first but the haze has blocked out any semblance of the sun from my balconies lol...

That elusive thing

430am. 

After suffering the onslaught of several dipshit mosquitos, feeling the constant kicks of Peanut, and hearing the many (worrying) stirrings of Little Baby through the baby monitor, it is official, I can't get back to sleep. 

Been awake for at least 45mins. And it was a light sleep before that. Forsee a "panda-fied" me tomorrow. 

One last try to get back to sleep. 

Fingers crossed.....

Of rain and the little girl...

There was just a huge clap of thunder. I hope Nadya's not scared. I only wish I was next to her to comfort her if she was feeling afraid. :( But alas, she's not here with me at this moment....:( 

Little baby, mama misses you a lot...:(((((

Little baby

I hope little baby gets well soon. 

The haze must have gotten to her. Came down with fever on Sunday and she's still running abit of a temperature earlier this evening. 

Her appetite's pretty much gone for most of the day. She refused lunch and dinner and her afternoon milk and only took 1/2 a hot cross bun in the morning for breakfast and another 3/4 of a hot cross bun for teabreak at my inlaws'. 

I was elated when she actually finished the entire bottle of milk I made for her at 730pm earlier on. 

She seems to be refusing to take milk at my inlaws' place. Even when she is not unwell. Trying to figure out why. Helper Maryann said a possibility could be that my mother-in-law gives her too many options if she refused her milk. Eh biscuits, cheese, raisin bread, buns, fruits, etc. Hmm, sounds possible an explanation. 

Anyway, I hope little baby sleeps well tonight. K and I only managed to get maybe 3-4 hours of sleep last night....sigh. 

That's life...

Bossy folks will always be bossy folks. 

If you're not in a position to jeopardize relationships, then 就是 (1) minimize interaction, (2) lun and then (3) lun somemore. 

Enough said

I will be strong. 我会努力，会坚强。

Help!!!

Is this called sleep regression? 

Little Baby has been waking up at night and fussing and throwing mega tantrums which last an hour or so. Well, at least for the last few days of this week. She can wake anytime at 11pm or at 1am or in last night's case, 2am. 

She would wake and be relatively calm but it rapidly escalates to a meltdown. Or she would wake and straightaway be so irritable that she goes into a meltdown. 

She would scream, kick and cry. She would reject K, and then call for him several minutes later. She would call for me and many a time she would request to be carried by me. I would have to reject her due to my current state and offer to hold her hand or cuddle her in bed instead. Nothing works to calm her. There was once we gave in and ended up reading storybooks and looking at photos, at 130am in the morning. 

Last night, K and I stood firm and put up a consistent, united front. We did not allow her out of her bedroom. We did not allow her anything save for water, milk and some light food. 

She wanted to "on the light". "No" was the reply. She wanted to "eat raisin bread". No. "See photos". No. "Violet" (a toy). Yes, tomorrow morning. "Gong Gong house" (my parents' place). Yes, tomorrow. "Go outside". Tomorrow. "Raisin bread". Tomorrow. "See photos". Tomorrow. 

Battle of the wills. She was wailing non-stop. Took some breaks here and there but the fussing was pretty much continuous. She lasted 1.5hours before she finally agreed to have some milk and then immediately rolled over and fell asleep. 

I don't know why this is happening. 

Sigh...this is not her usual self...

Both K and I are rather tired out because of her waking up like this...several days in a row. 

Baking time

Things I do when I'm on home leave now preparing myself for Peanut's arrival in 2 weeks' time....

I'm not good at baking. Most things I bake turn out below expectations lol. From brownies to muffins to focaccia bread and chicken pie. 

I think the only thing I can bake is shepherds pie. But that is closer to cooking a normal dish than baking pastries and cakes. 

So anyway, the thought hit me to clear some of the stuff I have in my kitchen and  I ended up baking after lunch. Attempted a small batch of Choc chip and raisin muffins. 

They turned out a little too hard at the top, I think I need to lower my temperature a little. There was not enough oil and not enough sugar too though these are arguable. Maybe the recipe I followed was a healthy option recipe haha. 

But still a better attempt than the previous time I tried making muffins haha. 

Pics for posterity. Gonna let the little girl try one muffin tonight. She's my worst food critic so I'm keeping my fingers crossed lol. 

You can tell the tops are too brown and hard...when they should have been fluffier-looking!

My half-eaten choc chip and raisin muffin. :) 

Colouring

Completed my second piece which was a free flowing visual spanning across 2 pages. A much better effort this time compared to the initial piece. Kept it simple and colour coordinated most of the time without incorporating too many elements and colours. Kept details simple and only did more gradients and shadows. :) Satisfied with this piece. Ok onward to the 3rd piece!

Full piece

Right side

Left side 

Of cooking competitions, the American culture and parenting

I caught an episode of MasterChef Junior Season 3. 

The kids come from different US states and were put together in the competition. The oldest was 13 and the youngest was only 8. They definitely impressed me with their culinary skills. They sautéed, flambe-ed, baked, roasted, caramelised, julienned, chopped, layered, etc...and what have you. They all made pasta from scratch. And pasta sauces from scratch. They made gorgeous desserts of restaurant quality and even presented/plated their dishes beautifully. Puts me to shame man lol. 

But well, culinary skills aside, what struck me most was some of their attitudes and character attributes. 

Most of us know that people in the US can be loud and brash. Many of them, not all but I think many of them, possess a level of confidence way higher than an average Asian person. Some are so confident that other cultures see them as being boastful, arrogant, loud, overbearing and over-the-top. Some cultures feel their heads have gotten too big and that they think too highly of themselves, to the point of being a little delusional and having a superiority complex. Mind you, being self-assured and being confident are two different things. 

So anyway, seeing how some of those children carried themselves and how they spoke on the show, it is apparent that a lot of kids in the US are brought up with this "I am good, better than the rest, I am best!" mentality since young. They are probably encouraged to think the best of themselves, have high self-worth and to be confident. No matter what. 

A 10-year old girl on the show unhesitatingly declared herself a better cook than her parents, even though they were the ones who taught her how to cook. She batted her lids, crossed her arms haughtily and said she would go on to "win this competition since I am the best and because I have been at it (cooking) since I was 4!". It was an irony though, for she was eliminated in the first episode itself. 

I cannot imagine a child from Singapore or maybe Japan or Hong Kong saying the same thing. 

Asians are afterall, more subtle. Humility features high on the values scale and some Asian cultures even favour self-deprecation. 

To me, confidence is a good thing. Quiet confidence that is. Coupled with an understanding and appreciation of the self. "In-your-face" confidence (or over-confidence? Or arrogance?) is too much for me. I'd feel turned off. 

Food for thought. 

I'd want my kids to grow up to be confident and self-assured people. But nothing over-the-top. They still need to stay grounded, be humble and not let things get to their heads.

Then and Now

I was in a sentimental, nostalgic mood last night. I trawled through some of the older photos I was tagged in last time on Facebook. Some from way back in 2007.

岁月不扰人

I looked so much younger even back in 2010 and 2011, a mere 4 or 5 years ago. I looked more refreshed and my eyes were brighter too. I was slimmer then of course haha. But I guess what I had then  also was more vigour and energy, more zest and maybe a generally lighter and happier feel. 

Zip forward to 2015. More eye bags, more wrinkles, duller skin. Time and age has caught up. :) I look more tired in general and more....I don't know how to put it. More mature. More experienced. Less fresh-faced and doe-eyed. And...less happy-go-lucky. 

Maybe motherhood and more responsibilities played a part too. :) 

I was looking at my friends as well, those who happened to be in my photos as well. We've all grown older...no longer the bunch of folks who drink and have the occasional visit to a club together. 

大家都老了几年。比往年多了白发，多了皱纹，多了经验，多了见识。

I wonder how it'll be in the year 2020 when I look back at my current 2015 pictures. :) 

Go Away!

Slightly scratchy throat and itchy eyes.
I'm already breathless from time to time because of the pregnancy. Now there's more stuff in the air that's making it harder to take in deep clean breaths.

Haze ah haze, please go away soon ok...

Feeling tired

I slept from 315-500pm this afternoon. Was doing some colouring till my eyes 不争气 and fell shut on me. 

It's 1030pm now and I am already more than sleepy.

Seems Peanut is zapping away much of my energy today. Belly feels rather stretched and heavier than usual today. Growth spurt? 

2 more weeks. 

Jiayou. 

Laoniang

Laoniang had planned out this entire week's meals already. And even gave herself a pat on the back. 

Laoniang is a smug one.

Until now when Laoniang suddenly realised that Friday is polling day i.e. Little Baby is staying at home cos her school will be closed. Which means Laoniang forgot to plan what to cook for her meals for that day....

Ok Laoniang not so smug now. :((((

Laoniang racking her brains on what to make for the little girl...who is turning out to be a fussy eater. 

(How did she turn out to be a somewhat fussy eater when her parents are foodies ah??)

Dr Chee

I was watching Dr Chee Soon Juan's full speech that he gave on 3 Sept at the SDP rally at Choa Chu Kang.

Charismatic, cheeky at some points, passionate, clear and convincing.

I thought he spoke well. Very well. Better than many other candidates from both the incumbent and other opposition parties. A force to contend with?

Perhaps. Maybe that was why the pants was sued off him by the incumbent all those years ago. Maybe that's why he was incarcerated, not once but several times.

I don't know much about him then and not even now.
I only knew what the media painted of him last time. That he was a mad man, a vile creature who spouted incorrigible untruths about the men in white, and hence, a hot-headed crazy barking man who would be better off locked up and put away. For the good of the people.

Maybe his methods were too radical and in your face at that point in time.
Maybe he was too passionate about his cause. Maybe he tried shoving his ideals down the wrong throats. He certainly ended up with bile, very vile bile, all over him then.
He was made a bankrupt, he was locked up and he had to stay away from the scene for more than a decade.

Maybe time and family has mellowed him down much over the years.
Maybe he has had time to rethink everything. He seems more grounded now.
More restrained. More steady and stable.

I have to give it to him. The passion and fire remains.
To be thrown onto the ground and stomped on. And then to get up, dust yourself off, re-strategise and come back fighting again. It takes alot of guts, gumption, courage, committment and passion.

While I may be a neutral party in terms of Singapore's politics, while I may not be particularly supportive of any party per se, I do wish him well.

Morning thoughts

Some meaningful excerpts from an article that appeared in the Straits Times today.
No need for the entire article to be reproduced here for the crux of the article is captured by the below......

=================
Bad things don't mess you up but how you view them can

"Events do not disturb people - their judgments about them do."

" It is our emotional responses to events, rather than the events themselves, that make us anxious and depressed."

"Healthy thoughts are direct responses to the events themselves. Unhealthy thoughts are focused on your own perceived inadequacy and ill-luck, or the unfairness of life."

"Assume that most times when you feel anxious, depressed or angry, you are not only strongly desiring but also commanding that something go well and that you get what you want."

"Very often, prolonged negative feelings arise not so much because of what does happen, but because we torment ourselves needlessly with thoughts of what should, ought to and must happen.

=================

I need some serious fixing of mindset.

Very often you read these articles, recognise the negative traits mentioned within as what you have as well, and agree wholeheartedly that you need to change...

Recognition and admittance of where you need to improve is one thing. It is the deliberate execution and constant reminder to yourself to follow through with the change that is key I suppose.

Interestingly, motherhood has helped in some ways. But I need to do more....

Om Nom Nom?

At this moment...craving for:

- Cheng ting. Cold. 

- Cha soba. Cold.

- Plain prata. With fish curry.

- Tosted white bread. With salted butter. 

- Filet o'fish. 

But too lazy to make any toasted bread or cha soba though I have them at home. 

Hmm....


Update:
K made toasted bread for me in the end hehe. Thank you baby....
But after I had that piece of buttered toast....I was still feeling restless and needing to munch somemore. But it was late already....I ended up just guzzling some milk and then surfing the Net...lol.

I wish!

Wished I looked as glam as these two preggies....

In reality, I think I am more like this.....

Unkempt hair (in all areas)
Be-spectacled.
Protruding belly (and belly-button) which seems to pop out from my home clothes too often for my liking.
Shorts sliding off my bum because the belly is pushing it way down....
Grouchy pimpled face (ok granted the pic above has a smiley face...I couldn't find a grumpy and pimpled cartoon of a pregnant lady lol).
Darkened skin in some areas.
Dark linea nigra appeared a few weeks ago...


Did I just share too much information?
Bah....don't care....already unglam....I can write unglam stuff in here too....

Voila....last 2.5 weeks....

And so, here I am. 36 weeks along.

It is the 7th of September. A Monday.
I am on 2 weeks official medical leave given by my gynae. Thereafter would be the week of the scheduled csec.

Where did all the time go?? I thought I just peed on the stick and saw the positive sign like what.... yesterday??

I do feel like a whale now. A whale with aches and pains. Neck, shoulder, backside, upper arms, lower back, lower calves, groin, fingers.....you name it.

Trying to clear some remnant work items. Trying to relax at home before D-day comes.
Trying to stay upbeat. Trying to not think about things.

I still feel like a first-time mom.
Sheesh. 

Of Little Baby, parenting and.....panting

Little Baby has been cranky of late. The last 3 days at least.

A small thing would trigger her fussiness and crankiness. Case in point: she has several water bottles. Bring her the "wrong one" when she's in one of her moods and you will trigger a partial meltdown, sometimes a full meltdown.

She has also been waking in the middle of the night screaming and kicking. Night terrors at work? Perhaps. Sometimes her eyes are shut. But eventually she will open them and continue with her antics. There was once when she requested for barley water and cheese. At 130am in the morning. Refuse her and she descends even further into her screams and bawls and kicks and what-have-you.

It is rather embarassing too, to know that your child's screams have pierced the otherwise still night. And more likely than not the entire block and the entire neighbouring block is hearing your child scream. At 130am in the morning.

One tough thing about this whole thing is that, she is refusing K at night. She is quick to say "Don't want Dada." And if he still stays within her line of sight, she can't pull herself out of her crying fit. I would then step in and try to defuse the situation. Sometimes I can do it within several minutes and she calms down enough to fall back to sleep. Sometimes it takes much much longer with much more effort..read: maybe an hour or more.

The other tough thing about all this is that, I am tired. Rather tired.

I'm into my 36th week. I feel like a whale.

I huff and puff and pant more than half the time. And then I pant somemore. The insides of my nostrils are getting more swollen, the blood vessels there are getting more swollen. It makes for heavier breathing just to get the same amount of air into my lungs. Hence, the huffing and panting.

I can't sleep well too. When Little Baby woke at 4am last night, she fussed but we were lucky for it was only for a short while. I thought it was good that it was a short episode and that I could probably get back to sleep quickly. I was wrong....I ended up tossing and turning for what seemed like a long time. Coupled with the warm weather and hazy skies...I was mildly irritated. I was half tempted to just pull myself out of bed and clear some remaining office work.

I hope these last 2-3 weeks before Peanut's arrival will be smooth-going.

Jiayou Little Baby.
Jiayou K.
Jiayou me....

Conversations with an almost 23-month old

We were looking through a book of cats. 

Me: Wow, look at the cat! Its tail is so long! Nadya, do you have a tail? 

N: No, no tail, backside only. 

Lol lol lol. 

============

K, Nadya and I were on our bed, just rolling and lazing around when she let out a fart. 

Me: Who farted? (Actually I was speaking to N but K answered)

K: She.

Me (speaking to N): Nadya, who farted?

N: She. 

So yep, she's a parrot these days...lol

....

有些话是空说的吗??

Conversations with an almost 23-month old

Nadya's lately taken to stopping K midway through his singing.
I find it hilarious the way she does it....you have to be there to witness it to know what I mean...
In the meantime, here's the "transcript" lol...


K: *singing*  Hush little baby, don't say a word...Mama's going to buy you a .......
N: *holds up one hand near K's face, palm open, fingers outstretched, arm ramrod straight*
N: Stop! Dada stop! Dada stop sing!

K: errr.....*continues singing*.....buy you a mockingbird...if that mockingbird won't sing.....
N: *more insistent*  Dada STOP! Dada no song. Dada stop sing song!
N: Mama sing! Mama sing song.

K: ok lor...
Me: err...ok...*starts singing the song*

N: *gives a small grunt of approval*  mmm.


And then she settles down on her bed...haha.
So our little girl is now dictating who sings what.....

La Coeur et L'esprit

发觉最近心胸又变得狭窄一些
需常常提醒自己
心胸要懂得放大一点，要学会放宽一点

Go Go Go!

I don't know if this is a good or bad thing. Somehow, when I am going on leave very soon (tomorrow is my last day in office), then important things come in.

My covering officers will have to bear the bulk of the work to be done.

Why do I ask if it is a good or bad thing?

Good because I can "siam".

Bad because...it doesn't reflect that well on me and.....I am donating away some bonus $$ to some of these covering officers lol.

And bad because I have a feeling that even when I am on leave, I will still get calls, texts or emails regarding some of these important issues. 

Oh well...take it as it comes.

我是 superwoman!!
Go Go Go!

Finally

Completed this piece...on hindsight, it seems a little gaudy haha. Maybe I'll tone it down for the next piece. Overall, good effort for a first piece I think!

Ahhhhh...

We finally got ourselves our own balcony table and chairs several weeks ago. 

Am on MC today. Feels good clearing work emails while having breakfast in the balcony. 

A neighbour is playing the piano. Thank you neighbour for providing me with some background music. 

Morning birds are up and about, chirping in the skies and in the trees below. 

The sun is getting stronger though, but some clouds have blocked it so I don't get the brunt of the sun's rays.

Good morning world!

Gambatte Michelle! 

And K, and Nadya and Peanut!