Conversations with a 3yr 9month-old

We were in the car, talking about dinner for the day.

Me: Nadya, Popo will be cooking your favourite fish for dinner tonight! What's your favourite fish?
N: Pop friend!
Me: ??? You mean pomfret.
N: Ya, pop friend!

lol....

Biggest wish at the moment

Right eye is turning red again.
I can see blood vessels snaking out from my inner eye to my pupil. And some redness emanating from the pupil area back to the inner eye area.

I've been woken up anywhere between 2 to 5 times a night for the past week or so....or has it been longer? I can't remember.

Both girls wake multiple times a night. At times, Nadya wakes because she was disturbed by Alyssa's wails.

I'd cringe inwardly with envy whenever a new parent tells me that his or her baby has been sleeping through the night from the age of 3 months, 4 months or 5 months. At times, when they announce this to me, I cuss in my mind too...alot.

My older kid is turning 4 in 3.5 months. She still wakes at least 2-3 times a night. Once or twice to pee. And sometimes once or twice to drink milk. I can't refuse her milk because either she can't get back to sleep thereafter or she would kick up a fuss and slowly dissolve into a pool of toddler manic.

As for the younger one, she's recently either been having bad dreams or she's not eating enough dinner or I don't know..........but she wakes up screaming in the night at random times. One night it could be at 12am and 3am. Another night it would be at 1am and 5am. While she's not hysterical, she does scream and cry loudly and half the time, it seems like only Mama can get her to shush up.

I don't know what to do really.
I've tried feeding them more. I've tried turning on the air-con. I've tried it with only the fan on. I've tried laying out less toys and bolsters on Alyssa's bed. We've even changed mattresses.

It's been almost 4 years. In that amount of time, I've not had a single stretch of 6 or 7-hour sleep on a single night.

God, please bless and protect the girls so that can finally sleep well on their own and not wake so many times each night............

give a man a fish or teach a man to fish?

There is a junior officer who tends to ask for help before even trying to figure things out for herself.
Maybe she's trying to take the easier way out. Maybe it's become a habit after more than 20 years of working.

She asked me a question today. While I could have given her the answer in 30 seconds. I gave her a URL and made her read through to find the answer herself, with some guiding questions I gave her.

I used to tell her whenever she looked to me for answers: "Then give me part of your salary lah...since I'm doing some of your work for you."

But I have recently changed tactic and provide her indirect answers or a general direction to go so that she has to work her brain abit and figure out the final answer herself.

Am I mean? I don't know.
I just felt I couldn't just keep giving her answers so easily and must make her work for it.

Oh well. My style.

What gives?

Today was good. Just didn't expect the evening to be yet another challenging episode.

2 crying kids. 4 frazzled adults. Frayed nerves all around.

Mama trying to keep the kids, especially the older one, settled down.
Mama being "educated" by the mother-in-law about what to do and how to handle the situation.
Mama faced with either scowls or concerned furtive glances from various folks.
Mama being told that the older kid is only like this when mama is around. (So my fault ah?!)
Mama being told that she is not firm enough. (You have not seen me scold my kid in my own home. You might also have a different parenting approach to me so let's agree to disagree ya.)
Mama feeling frustrated at various things and at the situation but still needing to stay or at least show herself in a calm and happy state so the kids don't spiral down into a crying abyss again.

I'm happy. But at the same time, I'm frustrated.

What gives?

Hoorah!

I woke this morning feeling more energised and rested.

Maybe both body and mind know that today is the last day of work for the week.

Maybe it was because Nadya only woke me once instead of twice.

And maybe it was also due to my tummy feeling better. From Mon to Thursday, my tummy was bloated and uncomfortable. It made me nauseated at times. My heart was also palpitating from time to time and I was groggy half the time. My allergies (to dunno what) were acting up too and I was itching at various places, including my eyes and nostrils. I was a walking, itching zombie with a bloated tummy.

I took anti-histamine pills for the last 2 nights. Maybe those helped a little. I still feel itchy but less so.

Anyway, hoorah to feeling better today!

心里不平衡？ lol...

Male colleague.
Older than me by 4 years.
Same rank in the company.
Possibly earning more due to NS and that he has worked longer than I have.
But I feel I'm doing more work.

I know.

人比人气死人.

But how not to 比when he asks me for help on things and issues that should be common sense. Or that should have been foreseen and planned for. Or that should not even be asked in the first place?

Bah.

Simisai

The floodgates open too easily these days.

I teared up when I watched a local video about how members of the public and the OtterWatch group came together to protect the Marina Bay otters from being hurt by the Bishan family of otters. The public had stepped in because the Marina Bay otters had 5 young pups in the group and they had also recently lost their alpha male (affectionately named Marina Dad) to poisoning by some inconsiderate asshole.

Like what? Simisai? Watch people protecting otters also can cry?

I am too emo today.

Getting too stressed and tired and emo.

Can I just drop everything, hide in a corner and watch 2 Days 1 Night the whole day?

Art & Craft time again

I was amassing a bunch of toilet rolls at home. The inner cardboard roll I mean, not the toilet paper itself.

I was intending to do some art and craft at home with Nadya for the longest time but haven't had the chance to. I admit, sometimes it was because I was lazy and bummed out.

So it's quite timely that her Chinese school teacher sent an email out to all parents last week, about a Chinese home DIY project that the children are supposed to do and submit by 23 June. Basically it's about recycling old or existing items at home into something else.

Voila. I shall do a toilet roll pen/crayon/art-brush holder with her. :)

I'll plan out a concept by this afternoon and then start on it tonight with her...
Do a little each day and hopefully by next week we'll have something nice for her to bring to school.

Balance. Not.

A part of me is happy.
A part of me is not.

A part of me is lost.
A part of me is not.

A part of me is settled.
A part of me is losing my shit.

A part of me is clear.
A part of me is fuzzy.

A part of me is calm.
A part of me is frustrated.

A part of me is......
A part of me is......

Bah.

A guy recently added me on FB. It took me quite awhile to remember him. His name was familiar but I'd forgotten how, when and where I knew him from. I think we went out for dinner once maybe 13-14 years ago too? Went to a restaurant in Dempsey I think. We were short-lived colleagues in DuckTours. 

We'd never kept in touch so I'm not sure how he suddenly appeared through FB. 

He dropped me a FB message too. I got cheesed off. 

Why?

Because it started with "Hey babe". 

Cue *roll eyes*.

Hello. One, I'm not close to you at all so don't act chummy and "hey babe" me. Two, I have zero liking for any guy that uses "babe" with a girl. Even my closest closest "known-me-for-25-years" guy friends don't "hey babe" me. Only some close girl friends do so. 

duh...

I do up a document. I send it to the team.
They come back with amendments.
And I have to amend their amendments because of grammar and other typo errors.

Abit waste time eh?

*pfffffttttt*

Oh but anyway....life's like that sometimes....

Of goodbyes and take cares....

These 2 weeks has been about departures and impending farewells.
Part of life I guess...people come, people go...and each leaves an imprint in your life in his or her own way.

And so Maryann our previous helper left on 31 May evening...we've been coping pretty ok so far.
Except for Alyssa being much more clingy to me. Especially in the initial 3-4 days after Maryann left. She's slowly adjusting to the new helper, Hope, and Hope has managed to put her to bed for the last 2 nights. That's really good I think. Anyway, I'm still giving Alyssa as many hugs, cuddles and kisses as I can. ;)

Boss just shared that a long-time staff of our team, Jane, has tendered her resignation....She's been with the team since 1999 I think. While she had pre-empted me of her plans 2 months ago, I didn't know when exactly she would be throwing in her towel. Well, apparently it's now....sigh...end June will be her last day....

My ex-boss, who officially retired in October 2015 but is still around as an advisor to the team....will likely not have his contract renewed and he will leave us in April next year. There will be 2 long-serving staff leaving soon...quite sad on one hand...but happy for them too if this is what they want....

小开心

Happiness at work is when.....

- Your boss called you and the other 2 colleagues (who are more senior than you, both in age and rank) into his room to discuss something.
- He listened to all our views and suggestions.
- And then he finally agreed whole-heartedly with your suggestion and dismissed the other 2's suggestions....

***WOOT WOOT***

Haha...cheap thrill.

Maryann

And so in a blink of an eye, 4 years has passed. 

Maryann first arrived at my inlaws' place in July 2013. Just 3 months later Nadya was born and poor Maryann had to assist the confinement nanny in the kitchen. That nanny was apparently a messy one and messed up the kitchen quite badly. 

When we shifted out of my inlaws place, Maryann was still around. Nadya was only 9mhs old then. 

She stayed for a total of 2 years at my inlaws' place and when my MIL didn't renew her contract, we decided to hire her instead. Especially since Alyssa was on the way at that point in time. 

She joined us in our home in June 2015, 4 months before Alyssa was born. I was still Alyssa's main caregiver in the initial months but after I went back to work, I left the nightly duties of caring for Alyssa to Maryann. I couldn't handle 2 kids at night. And both my kids happen to be milk guzzlers. They'd wake in the middle of the night asking for milk. 

In a blink of an eye, another 2 years has passed. 

This time round, it was she who didn't want to renew the contract. Maybe she was tired of the interrupted nights, maybe she missed her own 6 kids back home. Maybe she really wanted to go home for good.

Maryann just left the home at 1030pm. K fetched her to the airport for her 1am flight. She cried before she left, as she stood in Alyssa's dark room looking over the sleeping little girl. She gave her a kiss goodbye. She then went over to my room to give the sleeping Nadya a kiss goodbye as well.

It was a dramatic farewell. The skies opened up and poured the moment she left the house and brought all her luggage with her. 

"Take care madam. Thank you for everything."

I could only smile and nod. I'm bad at such farewells. I don't know what to say. But in my heart, I was saying "Thank you too. Thank you for helping us so much. I think you'll miss Alyssa a lot. She will miss you a lot too."

We promised to send pictures to each other either through Whatsapp or Facebook messenger. (Thank god for technology these days)

I think I'll miss Maryann. She's the only helper who has seen me pregnant and give birth to both my girls. She's the only one so far who has watched both girls grow up till now and who knows their likes and food preferences. She's the only one I trust leaving Alyssa at home with. I hope the new helper (incidentally named Hope) will be as good a help as Maryann was. 

I wish Maryann well and hope that her business plans and ideas do come into fruition when she settles back down in the Philippines. 

Take care Maryann. Maybe we'll see each other again someday. 

The Coll again....yes, I'm ranting.

I've come to realise some of Coll the Troll's strategies for survival in the workplace.

• bully the weaker
• if can siam, then siam
• just keep saying "I'm very busy"
• just keep saying "I don't know how to do" 
• if it's a strong arrow, initial effort is still to find excuses to siam first. Failing which, then reluctantly acquiesce 

I'm fair. She's not entirely without merit. She can work well if she wants to. She has some substance as well. But her EQ and teamwork is like f**k.

FFS, you're Grade 12. You're an Executive Manager. Please justify your grade can?

The Coll

Throwing your team-mate under the bus is not cool. 

Throwing your team-mate under the bus for an issue that you clearly know is not her area but yours, is downright dirty.

I'm cold, tired and still feeling unwell. And that's why I won't waste my energy fuming over your actions. 

Anyone could tell you were pulling a fast one. Even the boss. I'll leave it at that. 

You tried chatting with me after the team meeting. I only accorded you the barest courtesy I could muster up at that point, which manifested as "mm-s" and "hmm-s". 

My conscience is clear. And I know I'm a team-player. You're clearly not.

Monday Morning

Missing the girls terribly.

I miss hugging them.
I miss hearing Alyssa's happy, infectious laughter.
I miss hearing Nadya's maniacal giggles.
I miss the feeling of Alyssa patting my arm or shoulder when I'm carrying her.
I miss the feeling of Nadya's twiddling with my fingers.

I miss making milk and honey for Nadya.
I miss getting cheese for Alyssa.

I miss the pitter patter of their feet on our marble floor.

9 more hours till I see them again.

I don't miss their squabbles though. :)

Something strange

There was a strange blip in the blog stats.

From the period of mid April till 18 May, there were multiple views of my blogposts. Which is erm...actually quite unsettling. Cos who reads this blog these days anyway???

Traffic source was from some URL based in the US. Each blog post during that period averaged between 30 to 45 views. Which is unprecedented. Which is also why I feel unsettled about it.

Anyway, things seem to have tapered back down to normal already for the last few days.

Countdown

Last 3 days of current helper being around. 

I think I'll miss her somewhat. We've established a rough understanding of each other, after having known each other for 4 years and since I became her employer 2 years back. 

I hope the younger girl takes her departure in stride. Fingers crossed. 

I've pre-empted the older girl already but anyway, she's not as close to the helper as the younger one is. 

See how it goes....

Toes crossed too.

Ganbatte!

It's been an expensive 1-2weeks, what with the 2 girls taking turns to be unwell. My pockets are crying...

I've had to rush between home and office or between office and my inlaw's place or between their school and office. Nadya's mega tantrums on some mornings has made me need to grab a cab to go to work. Most times I need to take a cab during peak hours and the surcharges can amount to much. A trip from home to office is easily $22-24 in the mornings.

PD fees are mad-ex too. $220 for Nadya's visit to the clinic that day. (0_0)
That's around how much I spend on my lunch at work in an entire month!

My self-dev goals for the month of May is kaput. Patience and Posture was the focus for May.
With all the rush and work piling up and taking care of the girls...and the barebone sleep that I get (or sometimes don't even get), my patience has gone downhill pretty much. And I couldn't focus on getting my posture right too....that ache in my right neck/shoulder area is still present too.....

June is coming. May June be a smoother, less challenging and more peaceful month!
Ganbatte!