Let Go, Let's Go

I recently attended a training on Becoming the CEO of Your Work and Life.

One of the running themes in the course was "letting go".

Let go of your emotional baggage.
Let go of things past.
Let go of unhappy incidents.
Let go of toxic relationships.
Let go of bad emotions.

And the list goes on.

For they cannot be undone.
And keeping them in your heart or mind will just gnaw away at you little by little.

Let go and the journey forward will be lighter and brighter.

I do have some things that I need to let go of.
I should learn to let go and when I learn how to do that better....I can then shout Let's Go!

Music

Meditation music accompanied me at work today. I have a particular 6-hour long Mv that I listen to from Youtube and it's by YellowBrickCinema.

Also making it on the list today are Tanya Chua, Wang Lee Hom, Beyond, Wang Feng and popular OSTs like Xia Hu's 那些年 and Hebe Tien's 小幸运....

Giving Kpop a rest today and going back to my Chinese stuff...afterall, I spent a good 15 years "chasing" Chinese pop...:)

Chronology

24 July 2011. 
K and I were having dinner at The Cliff in Sentosa. He popped the question. It was partly a surprise and partly not. Call it a woman's 6th sense. You just know when the atmosphere's a little different from usual. I said yes.

8 October 2011. 
Our ROM at True Blue Cuisine! I think we pulled it off nicely in just 2 months. From signing up a wedding studio and package, to finding a venue for our ROM, to engaging the Justice of Peace and attending a Love Language and counselling session with him, to doing our ROM dress fitting and bouquet....I was very happy that Granny was present at the ROM and that she was able to indulge in her favourite Peranakan dishes.

22 July 2012. 
Our Chinese wedding! Weeks and months of  preps. Budgeting, photoshoots, trial make-up sessions, dress fitting sessions, entourage planning, schedule planning, table and invitation planning, etc...K with his band of brothers...me with my band of sisters (and my good male buddy being a sister wannabe haha)...our families and friends and colleagues. Dinner was at the Four Seasons!


How time flies. It's been 7 years after our ROM and 6 years after our Chinese wedding. And in that span of time we went from a unit of 2 to a family of 4. It's also been 9.5 years since we first got together.

Thank you sayang, for being there with me and for me over the years. Of course it's not been entirely smooth-sailing and there are the usual ups and downs....but I'm just glad that it's you I'm journeying with. Like what we told each other a long time ago....我们手牵手一起走....:) To many more years ahead!

That feeling

That you want to do more.
That you can do more.
That you should do more.

To contribute and help others.
To give back to society.
To grow and develop yourself.

Dream

I had an awesome dream last night. Well, sort of. It was equal parts exciting and sinister.
It ended prematurely though...to my dismay. All because Alyssa woke me up. Bah.

I dreamt that for some reason or another, Baekhyun (of EXO) started woo-ing me. Oh imagine the euphoria I had in the dream! Mega Kpop star woo-ing the insignificant me leh! I was over the moon!

For the sinister portion....because Baekhyun and I ended up being together, one of his crazed fans went apeshit on me and started stalking me and trying to harm me.

She was chasing me in slow-mo through an abandoned carpark which strangely still had cars parked in some lots, though they were all old, broken or rusted.

Therein lies the commonality of alot of my dreams...I'm always on the run or trying to escape a place. "That place" is usually a school though from time to time it changes to something else. In this case, it was an abandoned carpark. And invariably, all these places that appear in my dreams where I'm running away or trying to escape, would have complicated architectural structures. Lots of staircases, lift landings, lifts, mezzanines, pillars, blind corners, etc. Maybe my sub-consciousness is trying to be a horror movie producer.

Sinister stuff aside...Baekhyun! One of the cuties from EXO. Erm...he is rather young though. I'd be deemed a cradle snatcher if I were really with him lol. He's a good 12 years younger than me and has a great voice. Wonder how he ended up in my dream though. I've not been listening to their songs recently and he's not my main bias too.

We were on a sweet outing to someplace nice and romantic...I'm not sure how we communicated though. He was speaking to me in Korean but somehow I understood and could converse with him as well...We were going off to another place...

And then "Mama!! Mama!!"

Alyssa just had to.

Oh well.

Bah. Who will it be tonight? D.O.? Chanyeol? Lay? RM?

p/s: To my darling K, I still love you much ok...:)

Of Starts and Stops

My walking journey (which I hope to lead up to a jogging routine) hasn't been very smooth at all since the start of the year....

There would be a few sessions where I would do ok and I could have the time and chance to go for walks. And then I'd either fall ill or one of the girls would fall ill and my routine would get haywire.

So it's been a start, stop, start, stop jerky effort since the start of the year. And once you stop, your stamina (or whatever meagre amount left of it) goes back to zilch again and you need effort to get your engine and motivation going again...

Hope it all works out well in the end....
Fingers crossed.

Need. To. Get. It. Going.

DEFTT

Desperate, Exasperated, Frustrated, Tired and....Tired....

Felt like crying last night but I had no tears...

Alyssa woke every hour from 1130pm till 530am. Each time she woke, she had to be placated by me carrying her. By the time I settled her down to sleep again, or gave her her medication, it would be anywhere between 10-30mins gone. And around 45mins to an hour later she'd wake again.

It's been like this since Saturday. Her best stretch was maybe a 2-hour stretch on one of the nights.

That's worse then a newborn's schedule.

Back to work today after 2 days of medical leave. Zombiefied.
Discovered I was running a slight temperature while on the way to work.
Popped panadol and am trying to get some things done. May head home thereafter to work from home. See how it goes.....

In the meantime, Alyssa...please get well soon and quickly...
Nadya, please get well soon too....

Michelle, jiayou....

rough week so far

Nadya vomitted once last Friday night but had no fever. PD said she had stomach flu. She then started having fever on Monday night and peaked at 39C on Tuesday evening.

Alyssa started having fever on Sat afternoon and vomitted twice in the evening. Her fever went quite high and peaked at 39.3C. It only broke the 38C mark on Tuesday afternoon. She is extremely cranky but I’m glad the fever is on a downtrend. 

As for myself, I vomitted 4-5 times on Monday night. LS-ed 3-4 times as well. The retching and expelling left me giddy, breathless, queasy and weak. I crashed for an hour from 10-11pm and felt much better thereafter though still queasy. Managed to still look after both girls that night. On 2 days’ MC for Tues and Wed.

Every night since Sat night has been rough. That makes it 4 nights already. Both girls take turns waking up, either due to tummy aches or wanting to drink milk (because they didn’t eat anything during the day), or wanting to pee or be carried, or because of a heavily stuffed nose, or due to a dream, or.....just because. On average, I wake every hour each night. Feeling quite tired zapped out by now. Though I’m thankful I managed to nap for 3.5hrs yesterday afternoon. (We’d left both girls with the inlaws.) 

Also...the car is at the workshop and seems like a lot needs to be done.

K’s aunt was warded yesterday due to a mild stroke. 

And my office laptop refused to boot up since last night so I can’t clear some of the work that I’d been intending to. 

Breathe in, breathe out. 

Sigh...

Of Fights and Squabbles and Tears and Tantrums and....Sisters

The 2 girls have been gong at each other for the past 2-3 nights before bedtime. I'd finish reading a book and leave the room to make their bedtime milk. It'll be approximately 2-3minutes later when I'd hear a cry or a shriek or a shout. 

Usually Nadya would come sobbing out of the room and telling/complaining to me about what Alyssa had done. And, usually it'll be that Alyssa took a swipe at her head or pinched her arm or scratched her somewhere. Sometimes the scratches really do draw blood. 

Sometimes though, after probing, being the honest girl that she is, Nadya would admit that she was the one who started the fracas. Alyssa, whether guilty or not, whether she's the one who started it or not, would always be quietly sitting or standing in the room, sulking and glaring at Nadya, while Nadya tells me the story of what happened. 

I'd make the girls sit down and apologise to each other for taking swipes at one other. And then I'd have to talk to the one who started the whole thing. And then if there was someone who didn't want to apologise, I'd have to spend more time and effort to wait it out or explain more, depending on the situation. (Last night, Alyssa refused to apologise and fussed/cried/sulked for more than 15mins before finally saying sorry to Nadya quite loudly.)

And then finally I'd go on a spiel about how they are sisters, how they should take care of and love each other, etc. They then hug each other, giggle and make up.

Only to have to repeat the whole thing again the following night. And sometimes Alyssa hits Nadya less than 10mins after they hug and make up. 

SIGH.

Let's see what happens tonight. 

Wannabe

Wannabe "artist".

I don't have much artistic talent. I don't have nice penmanship. And I don't have much artistic flair.
I am not that creative either. I doodle the same stuff over and over again.

But...I still like doodling abit here and there. And recently started watching some beginner videos on how to sketch.

Some initial sketches for posterity.
And it's my first time drawing a hand. It's looks like a hairy, wrinkly, old  and slightly misshapen hand though haha.

Reminds me of a young kid learning how to draw and shade. Like when I was in Sec 1 and my art teacher Mr Ling tried to get us to appreciate art....to no avail. Sir, I am more interested in it now than 25 years ago...not too late right?

Clarification

Whether at home or in the office. Part of basic communication is to clarify.

Someone told me this early in my working life "Ask and it will be given, Seek and you will find". I believe it is from the Bible. She shared with me this as she was encouraging me to do 2 things: (1) clarify when in doubt and (2) take charge of your own life and work, don't wait for others to spoon-feed you.

When things aren't clear, ask and seek clarification. It is the same at home or in the office or in a social setting.

But it does get demoralising when the other party you are seeking clarification from responds like as if you're an idiot or a slow person, or takes you for granted and barks a response at you, or loses patience with you just because he or she thought it was common sense.

When the initial communication inflow wasn't clear to begin with or was lacking, I should ask and seek clarity right?

Anyway. Whatever.

Hmm...

I was doing some research on the holding company of one of the partners I work with. And unwittingly stumbled across a photo of an ex-secondary school classmate.

Back then, she was a cheery, happy-go-lucky girl...ditzy at times, quick with her laughs and had a cheerful smile.

And.

She's the holding company's Group Financial Controller now. Wow.
Looking after the group's consolidated finances. That's operations and offices spanning across several countries both in and out of the APAC region. Wow.

When I encounter such instances, I sometimes wonder to myself....What have I done? What have I achieved? What am I doing? What will I be doing?

Sigh...

Then again, 人比人， 气死人....
同人不同命...?

Happy!

I had an appointment with a bank rep and then walked around abit after bao-ing my lunch.

I'm happy! I bought some stuff...My spoils are...

1. A small A5-sized sketchbook
2. 2B graphite pencils
3. An eraser
4. A sharpener
5. A black ink broad-tipped pen
6. 2 small storybooks
7. A doodlebook

Besides my terrarium stuff, my interest in sketching and doodling has recently been woken again. 

Learning how to sketch from whatever sources I can find both online and offline. The sketchbook, pencils and doodlebook will likely stay in the office for awhile as I don't think I can find time to indulge in any sketching while at home. At least in the office, I can spend some of my lunch time to do it. :) 

The storybooks will be with me in my bag. :)

Onward to more learning and sketching and terrarium-ing!

Reminder

I am still learning myself.

But I want my kids to grow up having empathy, honesty, sincerity, filial piety, respect for others, confidence and strength.

Changes

I hate to say this but I just realised that the Saturday evening just past was a milestone of sorts. For all of us. But especially for Adrian and Marc.

It was the start of many Saturday evenings going forward that Mei won't be with us at my parents' place.

Strangely, on that evening, I didn't realise she was not around, till I saw Marc sitting alone in the living room. And the girls didn't even ask about her or where she was.

In my eagerness as an auntie to "accompany" him, I may have unknowingly put some pressure or awkwardness on him though, as I tried to engage him in some conversation. Maybe he's not fully comfortable with me...maybe I should just take a step back...Back off a little and let things flow more naturally.

Afterall, this is a new situation everyone is still getting used to.

Let's try again this coming Saturday...

Genes

My brother and I are both sentimental people. But of course, he is the less emotional one with the steadier head and mind.

I wonder where we got our sentimental side from? Mum or Dad?

Dad is rather sentimental I think. I remember him toting his ukelele and strumming out songs. He had an entire big book filled page to page with handwritten chords and notes of various songs. We don't see this sentimental side of him often tough. He is the typical gruff and rough father, every sentence coming out from him would be with a grunt or grumble or complaint.

But he's the total opposite with the 2 little girls though lol...He'd gladly let them walk all over him and he'd go all high-pitched squealy-wealy with them hahaha.

I think Adrian and I both got our organisation skills from Mum. She's the planner, armed with lists of this and that and a to-do list of other to-do lists. She'd plan from Day-30 to Day +30 for an event maybe haha.

Have I digressed?

I can't quite recall now what I originally set out to write this post for. LOL...
Too early on a Wednesday morning.

I wonder what traits the girls inherited from K and I?

Note to self

Feeling quite zapped out over the past week.

Menses + Alyssa has been waking multiple times each night (She's having stuff nose and can't sleep well) + various engagements = An increasingly zombiefied shell

Ganbatte Michelle!

p/s: I should take that half day or full day leave soon.
p/p/s: I should take a half day leave soon to go cut my hair too...it's been 8 months since I last trimmed it. Hair's gone totally out of shape. :(

No more

And so it is final.

Adrian and Mae will split.

Things came to a sudden head. Discussions were swift and many took place in the last 1.5 months between themselves and between them and my parents. It didn't even take 2 months before everything was finalised.

It's all abit too sudden actually.

He came by the cafe near my place last night and we spoke for 1.5hrs. He gave me the lowdown on things, though it was unknown to him that I'd already known some of the details because Mum had updated me before he did.

I let him speak. I told him I was all ears. He said he may need to offload and download stuff to me in the future when and if the going gets tough and he needed an outlet to rant. I told him again that I'd be all ears for him.

I shared some of my concerns with him. He acknowledged them. I re-iterated Mum's concerns, which he already knew of, and he said he would assuage her worries.

He has lots of things to think through, plan and undertake in the next 6 months or more. The legalities, the Pasir Ris flat transactions, the Simei flat transactions and renovations, the Tampines flat, the moving in and moving out, the conflicts of interests at work,  the decision on when to move on from work, insurance, bank stuff, and a whole load of other administrative and paperwork that needs to be settled...

His workload is heavy enough and coupled with all these personal things to settle, his plate is overflowing. I hope he takes care of himself. It will be challenging for him mentally, physically and emotionally.

Jiayou brother...

Swept to the sidelines

Most people are generally nice.

But sometimes, along the way in the course of my work, I meet people who don't really give me attention or give me less attention, just because I am a senior manager and not an Assistant Director, or Deputy Director or Director...

Who says rank doesn't matter? :)
It does. Most definitely does...

Nvm...this 小绵羊 will just stay in her own corner and bide her time.

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Terrarium!

I devoted at least an hour each night over the last 3 nights to start a terrarium.

After I put both girls to sleep, I'd then scurry back to my room, huddle over the table in my balcony and work on it.

Things have been slow-moving. Mainly because I wasn't in a rush and I was taking my time. But also because I'd not done one in a long time and I felt a little rusty. And also because I was working in a new space with new materials and tools. And also because it was my first time using moss.

(Sidetrack: I really love Qoo10. Simisai also can buy from there. I got my live Holland moss from a very good seller on Qoo10. The same seller I'd been buying all my terrarium and some other craft materials from. For future reference, vendor on Qoo10 is "Zantelle".)

Day 1 - Built the bottom drainage layers of pebbles, spagnum moss and acitvated charcoal. Also put in the soil layer.
Day 2 - Transplanted the red and white fittonias. 4 shoots in all. 3 small red ones and 1 bigger white one. Trimmed their roots before transplanting.
Day 3 - Added in the moss. Topped up the soil. Tried to level the soil on all sides. Cleaned up the mess inside. Picked all dirt and soil off the moss pieces.

I doused it with quite alot of water last night because I was cleaning the dust and dirt up. Am letting it air out today before I bring it to office. Am going to display it at my new office cubicle.

My new corner in the newly renovated office. I've got more privacy now that they are giving us partitions between cubicles. Woot!

How the terrarium looks like now. May add some rabbit figurines soon...