雪拼

Laoniang has been on a shopping spree lately.
On both Qoo10 and Shopee. :)

Besides stuff for the girls’ birthday party goodie bags...I got stuff for myself as well.
Cute stuff..stuff I couldn’t resist...

I think I still had a certain amount of set-restraint lah.....
Else my house would be flooded with stuff already :)

Succulents are not for me I guess

I really don’t do well with succulents.

One just went kaput on me. It lasted pretty long actually, maybe because it was in the office. The aircon probably helped it last more than a few months :)

Another one at home is around 80% kaput liao.

I have one last survivor at home! Let’s hope this particular succulent will last long long!

Winter Bear

Some of BTS' songs have brought me strength and comfort. And a recent solo song written and composed by V was released. It's called Winter Bear and it's captured my heart...
Partly because he wrote the song as a tribute to his grandmother for her 3rd death anniversary.
It made me think a little of my granny too...


Winter Bear - Kim Tae Hyung (V)

She looks like a blue love parrot
Would you come fly to me?
I want some good day, good day, good day
Good day, good day
Looks like a winter bear
You sleep so happily
I wish you good night, good night, good night
Good night, good night

Imagine your face
Say hello to me
Then all the bad days
They're nothing to me
With you

Winter bear
Ooh, ooh, ooh
Sleep like a winter bear
Ooh, ooh, ooh
Sleep like a winter bear

Breathe....

Seems like people always only wake up after June has passed.
Many things happen only after June...and now laoniang is abit swarmed...

Even the foreign folks whom I am dealing with too...

Ganbatte!

Yay!

ST shared good news with me today. For the past 3-4 weeks, she's been on hospitalisation leave and taking meds and injections for her 3rd IVF cycle. And today...she found out that the embryo has latched on!

She said she cried when she heard the news. I felt so touched and happy for her that I teared too.
Felt touched cos well...I've been with her since her 1st try and I know the ups and downs she's been through all throughout her IVF journey. Really not easy.

Praying for a smooth pregnancy and journey of motherhood for her!
I can finally pass her my maternity wear! Dump the whole load to her hahha...

Mindful walking

Mindful eating is one thing. Mindful walking is another thing altogether.
It is much more difficult to do!

Mindful walking entails just walking and focusing on your steps, your breath, how you feel, what you feel the ground is like, and/or focusing on the air and trees around you...not letting thoughts cloud your mind and just focusing on all those things...

Difficult. Been trying it on and off for some time...I can't do it for long, just a few minutes and the I'll get distracted by something or someone walking by or a dog barking or what not...

Shall try it out and practice more...

Chloe & Atom

Happened to meet Chloe and Atom yesterday when I got off the bus. 

There were at the same bus-stop waiting for Bus 26 to bring them back home. :) 

Was so happy to see Chloe. I was also very glad to see her happy, smiling, contented and .....grounded...for lack of a better word. She seemed in a good place. A very good and happy place. And it was heartening to see that. 

They looked good together too. Both were so happy and cheerful! And in sync with each other. :) 

I miss the times when we would chat on MSN (yes, it was that long ago). I could talk to her about anything and everything, literally everything, even the grossest stuff haha. 

When they got on their bus, I left with a smile on my face. :) 

Conversations with the girls

Both girls were quite cranky last night and anything and everything would trigger them. 
And so...Nadya had an argument with K ...

N: I already had a nightmare in school today. Do you want to give me another one tonight?
Me: I have nightmares too.N: You are giving me a nightmare and headache!Me: I have two headaches.N: They are not real!Me: Believe me, they are very real. One big, one small and they walk all over the house.N: Not talking to you!


===============
Before bed, Alyssa and Nadya got into an argument as well...I don't remember what they were arguing about but it came to this....
Surprisingly, the smaller one "won" the argument! It was hilarious to me but I couldn't laugh out loud in that situation haha. 

N: I will shoot you!
A: But you don't have a gun.
N: Then I will throw you into the swimming pool!!
A: But you don't have strength to carry me.
N: *huffs in frustration and starts to tear*

Sometimes

Sometimes you really don't need advice

When you say things or gripe a little, you just want a listening ear

Sometimes there really isn't anyone else who you think would understand or know

Sometimes you end up talking to yourself, which isn't very healthy 

Sometimes you end up talking to a wall, which is better 

Except that the wall reverberates at times and gives off other vibes you have to contend with

Sometimes you just want to express yourself but don't know what to say or how to say it

And you end up staying silent again, lost in your own thoughts

Sometimes you talk but get brushed off or feel invalidated 

And so you end up staying silent again

Sometimes you just write and let the words flow

Words which could not get past your mouth for whatever reason 

Sometimes you just listen to music, or that emptiness in your head 

And let it bring you somewhere, anywhere

Sometimes 

Sometimes 

Taiji

It IS a skill. A survival skill of sorts.

Of which The Coll is very adept in.

How she does it shamelessly is another skill.

Memorising

I used to be damn good at it. Especially in secondary school. Rote learning mah. ;p

I could memorise some Jap songs last time in my late teens and early 20s as well.

I'm trying to learn a Korean song now.....to no avail. Hahaha.
Still stuck at second sentence after a whole week lol...

The brain is not what it used to be I guess. Plus a w hole host of other things are taking up my brain and mind space. :D

Nvm...at least I will learn some bits of the song, if not the whole thing!
Paul Kim's Me After You....

Reminder?

"The best way to avoid disappointment is to not expect anything from anyone."

This came up on my FB newsfeed. It is a good reminder.
Though in reality, execution is not so easy. :)

For we often, knowingly or unknowingly, place expectations on others, especially those closest to us.

Mindful eating

I've been practising mindful eating whenever I can over the last 2-3 months. Usually it's lunchtime in office if I'm not eating with someone else. 

It started out awkward and boring. I started out with a short duration of 5mins only just to try the concept out. Then it increased naturally to 10mins and then to 15mins or so. 

Over time, it's been quite enjoyable actually. 

You clear your mind of all things and just focus on eating. You focus on the chewing, the sounds (if any), the textures of the food, the taste, the colours, etc. 

And when you're done eating, you just go back to whatever it is you want to do next...

LH

A little sad.
A close team-mate and ally just showed me her resignation letter. It's dated today...
I was her buddy when she first joined in 2014.

She has mulled over her decision for several months and it's now come to this.

I still hope she stays...maybe after a deeper conversation with our boss she might stay?

I can only hope.

Concidentally, just yesterday, I thought of making her a card today.

9 August 2019

It is the nation's birthday.

It is also Mei's birthday. I've been wishing her for 17 years and this year, out of habit I texted her to wish her happy birthday as well. After sending it out though, I wondered if I was doing the right thing.

Adrian was in Melbourne. In less than 10minutes, I got a text from him saying "I got a text from Marc. Please do not send Mei greetings anymore."

I felt hurt and disappointed. For some reason, I also cried. It was an immediate raw reaction.
I guess, I was hurt because all the things she'd said previously seemed to be just lip service.

"Keep in touch. Take care."
"I'll have a small housewarming and invite you when the house is ready."

Nada. Zilch. Zero. Nothing.
Just lip service.

Maybe she did mean part of it when she said those words last year but grew cold feet as time went by.

Anyway, she wants to cut off all communications. Ok fine. I respect that choice.
I'll tell myself and remind myself that. No point in trying to keep something when it isn't working or when the other party does not want to.

Just need to tell myself to move on.

Yet

Rivulets
Yet, dry

Crowded
Yet, alone

Happy
Yet, sad

Forwards
Yet, backwards

Growing
Yet, stagnant

Staccato
Yet, monotonous

Moving
Yet, still

Yet


==========
Drafted
On a day, at a time
When I was feeling down, tired, sad, alone, a little frustrated and out
Just a small being in this big universe
But who knows for sure
The best is YET to be

God has his plans for us
Probably written out
I wonder if they are in drafts or finalised versions
I wonder if he will rub off some text and re-write our future stories
As the scenes unfold slowly

Still popping up

Still happening after so many months...the number 44 keeps popping up. I take less note of it now though...used to it already perhaps....

• When I tap my phone to check the time, more than half the time, it'll be the hour and 44 minutes. e.g. 2:44pm, 5:44pm....
• Took a walk with K yesterday and when I glanced at the lamp-post next to him, it was numbered 44....
• The other day again when I checked the microwave to see whether my food was going to be done soon...the timer showed that 44 seconds was remaining..

Goosebumps lol!

Sunflowers!

The sunflower seedlings are doing good so far....one of them is getting quite tall...almost 20cm already.

Germinated them from seeds so I'm proud of them! Transplanted them from the starter kit pot to an actual pot a few weeks ago and I hope they survive long enough to mature into adult plants....:)

I forgot to label the exact date of when I planted the seeds....so I forgot how "old" these seedlings are already. But I know that I planted the seeds in early July...So they should be around 1.5mths old now?

==========
Got myself some other flower seeds over the weekend....of plants called Rose Fairy and Celosia (Fairy Fountain). Those Horti brand seeds that you can get off the shelf in Giant.

Will sow the seeds one of these days with the girls...They take at least 10-14 days to germinate though...I hope the girls are patient enough to wait lol....

And I should remember to label these pots with the dates of when the seeds were sown....

Succulents

Succulents are supposed to be very easy to care for.
I've never had much luck with them though. I somehow kill them quite easily.
Not sure why too....overwatering?

I just bought 2 tiny pots over the weekend and transplanted them into a bigger pot.

Hope they survive and thrive...

Conversations with an almost 4yr-old

On Saturday afternoon, while in the car waiting for K to pick Nadya up from Berries....

Alyssa: Mama, what is tree plus house?
Me: Treehouse?
A: Ya correct! What is water plus melon?
Me: Watermelon.
A: Ya correct! Very good!
Me: Ok, my turn. What is ice plus cream?
A: Banana cheese!
Me: ???!!!

She might be eloquent sometimes....but the logic....erm.... lol...
Either that or she purposely wanted to snook me and play punk with me haha....

Please...get better soon...

It's become sort of a family tradition to eat pizza or order food in on National Day each year and watch the parade on telly.

The rest of the family had pizza from Domino's and I had the leftover rice and dishes from lunch instead. I took 2 or 3 garlic breadsticks though. I was full...and might have overeaten a little...oh well...in the spirit of the day and our nation's birthday...

And then the next day....stomach spoil. In fact, the next few days...:( Couldn't eat much, was constantly bloated and I even had cramps in the upper abdominal area. When Nadya patted my tummy, she said I had air in there...even she now knows how to tell if there's air in the tummy or not. She said I sounded hollow like a drum.

After just a few days of eating light, eating less and having stomach issues...my weight went down by almost one kg to 45.7kg this morning. I've never been below 46kg since more than 10 years ago. zzz...

My dear tummy...please get better ok...
You've been giving me issues for 8-9 months already...I've cut out so many types of food, including my favourite spicy food and my favourite HL milk, just to appease you....
Please cooperate okie?

Rice!! My rice!!

Our helper went back to visit her family for a week. She left on 29 July and only came back on 6 Aug. It would have been 2 days earlier if not for the airline cancelling her 4 Aug flight due to low air pressure in the Davao skies.

During the period she was away, I realised I didn't eat much rice, save for the dinners at my inlaw's place. And even then K and I skipped dinner on 2 days to have our own dinner date....and there was another night when they cooked porridge instead.

On the weekend, we ate out for all meals and we mostly ate noodles and MacDonald's.

From 2 Aug Friday till 5 Aug Monday lunch, I didn't have any rice for my meals at all. It was all either bread, toast, noodles, or pasta. Easy stuff that I could prepare at home, or dabao from the stores below my office block.

Today, I finally had rice for lunch. Helper started cooking my lunch again for me to bring to office. :)

I didn't realise I missed rice soooo much!

True Asian heart. Lol....we need our rice!!

Conversations between a 4yr-old and a 6yr-old

On Saturday morning 3 Aug. The girls had a squabble.

A: Jiejie your poo is so smelly!
N: No! You are smellier!

A: I will flush you down the toilet!!
N: But I can’t even fit in so how can you flush me down? That doesn’t make sense!

A: *screams in frustration*
N: *smug face*

Wonder how their squabbles will evolve next time. Lol...

Right now, Alyssa's at the losing end because her eloquency and thought processes are not on par with Nadya's yet. :) We will see how as time goes by. 

Laoniang needs some love

Laoniang kena poked once on 23 Jul for a CT scan. This is a 5-yearly scan and the SGH staff nurse who inserted the plug for me did a good job so I am thankful.

Laoning kena poked twice on 30 Jul at CGH for another medical test. One for a plug and another time to draw blood for testing. The staff nurse...couldn't save my vein to insert a plug in after drawing blood for testing. I had to poked elsewhere for the plug to be inserted. I don't know what she did but....she caused me a big bruise at the initial site. She told me it'll be gone in a week.

Nabeh. One week liao. Bruise still there. One big orh-cheh and blood beneath the skin. Sometimes still sore to the touch. Laoniang not happy. I asked a doctor (whose field is totally unrelated to the blood test) how long the bruise would take to go away....he said 2-3 weeks at least.

Laoniang needs some tender loving care....the girls have been giving me kisses to the bruise area each day...

Of conversations

Out of work, I don't like discussing with people on how certain systems and processes should be like this or like that. Or how things should be done in a certain way instead of this way. Or how some of the nation's policies should be like this or like that.

I dislike the back and forth and the constant spewing of opinions. And the laments and complaints. Like that talk so easy, then everybody go become policy-maker lah. Maybe I'm a Libran and I can see from both points of view. Both from the policy-makers' perspective and the man on the street. Maybe it is because I am a public servant and I understand it is impossible to please everyone all the time. Maybe my mind is just not so equipped to have strong views of my own as well.

I step away. I steer the conversation away. Or if it's a virtual conversation. I just don't reply to any such discussion.

I just want to have simple and sometimes mindless conversations about the person himself/herself, and the things they are going through and of life in general. Simple slices and nuggets of information here and there. That is palatable to me. I like light soups. Not heavy cream, stomach-churning, acid-inducing stuff.

Don't get me into discourses on policies (and politics) and how the gahmen should be doing this or that. It tires me and I switch off almost immediately. It also stresses me out.

I just ghosted a good friend on Whatsapp. Because of this. He sent me several texts on what and how the government should do to improve the process of whatever he is dealing with right now. That is not an answer to a question I asked him. Oh well....sigh. Let me see how it goes.

Reminder to Self

• 3 steps forward and 2 steps back, is still a step forward. 
• It is a choice. You have a choice. 
• You can do this! I can do this! We can do this! 

Preparations in time to come...

And the preparations will begin soon...

• Logistics of sending to and from school, etc
• After-school care
• Meals in school
• Need to ensure she can count her $$$ lol
• Uniforms
• School books
• Stationery
• School socks!
• School shoes! 
• School bag!
• New water bottle? 
• New watch? 

That Little Baby....

Little Baby...is no longer that little....and no longer a baby...

Though I still call her "baby girl" sometimes...She would respond to me still but sometimes, she'd roll her eyes instead and say "I am not a baby...ugghhh!" Haha.

And so...this little baby...has now secured a spot in a primary school for next year when she starts Primary 1. How time flies.

I think she will look really cute in the school uniform...the light blue pinafore. :)
I remember last year she told me she wanted to be in a school that had pinafore for the girls haha...so it's a wish come true for her.

Never thought we'd reach this stage so soon....
As some say, the days and nights are long but the months and years are short.

Jiayou

A long time back, I used to call myself Aunt Agony...various people would share their concerns and worries with me...strangely enough more guys than ladies spoke to me...

And then as we all grew older and got busier, lesser people came to me...
Recently though...more are starting to share their concerns with me again...wonder why...

I'm not in a good state to listen to them to be honest...but I try. What are friends for?

Jiayou to them...and jiayou to me too....

Uncle's Philosophy

I met a cab uncle the other day.

When we passed by a plot of land in front along Pasir Panjang Road, he told me it belonged to Singapore Power and that they were going to redevelop the area to something else. He proudly shared that his son was one of the engineers who helped draw up the area map for the redevelopment.

And then he shared his work philosophy with me...told me he worked for 35 years at a company (but didn't tell me his role there)...and that he had a strategy to survive that 35 years in that company. His strategy was......

做少一点，少做就少错
说你不会做，那别人就会去做
笑一笑就过， 这样才不会shiong

He said he shared this philosophy with his son but his son didn't agree with it lol...
I don't really agree 100% with it too...but sometimes, it is a good "strategy"...
Afterall, I've seen cases where "taiji masters" survive long and can even get promoted...

CT Scan

Laoniang went for a CT scan this morning. For the brain. I last did an MRI 5 years back...
Time flies. This time round, the doc called for a simpler CT scan instead. If this scan result is also an all-clear, like how it is every 3 or 5 years from 2005, then I likely won't need anymore CT scan or MRI scan for the brain anymore. Fingers crossed! And yay in advance!

Laoniang kena poke again today. Had to insert a plug in my right inner elbow again. (Maybe the veins are better there). The plug was for them to pump saline and contrast into me so for the scan to take place. Lost track of how many times I kena poked by needles this year liao...

Laoniang will jiayou !!!
I can do this!!

*muacks*

And....we are 7 years!

If you count from our Chinese customary tea ceremony and Chinese wedding dinner lah...
If it's from the ROM date then we're almost 8 already....:)

Happy Anniversary Sayang!

Went for a yummy beef bowl lunch at Yoshinoya! K wanted to go to a better restaurant...but to me...
Yoshinoya's good enough...doesn't mean that only atas restaurants dish out good stuff...:)
Maybe my tummy craved for the beef bowl today :)

Here's to many many more years ahead Baby!

Jal haess-eo

Took a long route through the last stragglers of the lunch crowd.
It was more crowded that what I was used to and I did feel abit light-headed.
Still, I did step out. I did walk through those remaining crowds.
I did go the longer way and not seek a shortcut.
And I did not ...for lack of a better word...get kancheong.
And I was okay.

Jal haess-eo, Michelle.
Good job, Michelle.

Reminder to Self

Baby Steps 
- One step at a time, don't run before you learn how to walk

Track Accomplishments
- See your small wins, see how you've progressed and moved forward

Focus
- 3 things, not 10

Take Care of your Body
- Do better

Produce X 101

Kim Yo Han hwaiting!
Han Seung Woo hwaiting!
Lee Jin Hyuk hwaiting!

I've yet to watch the latest episode so I don't know who are the remaining 20 trainees...
But oh well...:)

I wonder who Kyler's fav is....Need to ask Ally....

Conversations between a 4yr-old and a 6yr-old

The other night just before bed.....

A: I am a witch!!
N: Then that means you're a bad girl you know? A very bad bad girl.
A: Ya! I am bat girl! I will ask all of my bats to spit fire at you! Then you will be surrounded! Ha Ha Ha! *evil laughter*

This conversation stood out to me because....

1. Alyssa's honest and utterly cute misunderstanding of Nadya's word "bad" for the word "bat" lol....
2. Alyssa's use of the phrase "spit fire at you"...wah...where did she learn that from? 
3. Alyssa's "Ha Ha Ha!" was done in an evil laughter tone....she's never done that before! It was so cute hearing it from her haha....

Fever? No Fever?

Felt a sore throat ocming on last weekend but with enough water, it went away.
It seems to be coming back.

Feeling a little warm and slightly feverish these 2 days as well. But 37.3C doesn't count for a fever yet right? I was brought up to think that anything above 37C is a fever but GPS have told me that only 37.5C is then considered a fever. Google tells me that anything between 37C and 38C is a low-grade fever.

Laoniang dunno lah...so confusing. Bah....*pouts*
Laoniang just wants to zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz the whole day.

But I am still in office.

Nvm....jiayou!!!
Mind over body!!!!!

Mindful eating

Been practising mindful eating when I lunch in the office the last week or so. Hope to keep it up.
Nothing much.

I'm just setting aside 15mins or so to eat my lunch. Although I'm at my desk, my PC is off. And during this 10-15mins (or however long it takes to eat my lunch), I won't touch my PC and my phone.

I won't do anything else except eat or drink. And with each mouthful of food, I try to focus on the textures, taste, temperature or colour of the food. And I try to chew purposefully and chew more too since it's supposed to help me digest my food better.

Today's lunch was butter mushroom rice with pumpkin, cabbage and minced meat. The bright happy orange colour of the pumpkin contrasted with the green cabbage quite nicely. It made for a happy colourful meal instead of the usual drab brown looking lunches that my helper makes haha.

*heart*

K and I had dinner outside yesterday instead of at his parents'.
It was a short one but I enjoyed it much.

I thought about why I enjoyed it and had a nice time. And I realised...

We were alone, just the two of us. No kids to distract (or nag at).
We were relaxed. We were having simple and yummy food.
And most importantly....We were not on our phones.
We were present. We talked. To each other.

It was meaningful. :)
It was nice.

Change...people...things...

There was a lady I knew in office when I first joined 12 years ago. 

She was 3 years older than me. She was a scholar and quite down to earth and unassuming. She'd always wear the same type of clothes, a simple plain top and plain black or brown or grey pants. She always wore flats, some of which were scruffed up and worn out. She wore no makeup and kept her hair up in a messy ponytail. She'd slouch her way around the office and cruise around in her office flip-flops. She was smart and capable. 

While we were not close last time, we knew who each other was and would nod to each other as a form of greeting. Sometimes, if the setting was right, we'd exchange a few words as well. 

Maybe 6 to 7 years ago, being the scholar that she is, she was pulled to a senior management role at a newly established agency. She was 2nd from the top there I think and stayed there for 3 years maybe before being pulled back to my agency. 

I guess, being in top management does change you somewhat. She came back to our agency and looked different. She was slimmer and wore dresses and heels. She also wore make up, handled her hair better and generally looked sharper and more chic in her outlook. I don't even wear lipstick but she does now...haha...

And then I realised a couple of months...we don't greet each other anymore...On the rare occasions that we crossed paths, she didn't even look me in the eye when she walked past me. I did call out on one or two occasions. But I somehow didn't get a response. To give her the benefit of doubt, she might not have recognised me since I'm in glasses now, or she might not have heard me....

In any case, while her outlook has changed alot, I hope her heart and inner core is still the same...

Be mindful

• Stay focused 
• Be present 
• Put down your phone when talking to others
• Show compassion
• Have empathy
• One thing at a time 
• Be in the zone
• Feel it

Reminder to self

If it irks you when someone you are talking to or trying to talk to doesn't look you in the eye and have a conversation with you but glues his or her eyes on their phone instead and just gives cursory attention (if any at all), then you shouldn't do the same to others. 

out with the old, in with the new

Pointsettia is now officially kaput.
K.A.P.U.T.

After dropping ALL leaves, it's stem is now finally all browned out and somewhat shrivelled.
It's a shame really...when it survived all the way from December 2018 when I received it as a Xmas present.

My cousin gave me a DIY gardening kit for Xmas too. It was a sunflower kit.

Thought I'd give it a try 1 month plus ago.

The first batch of seeds yielded nothing. In fact, the seeds turned mouldy. It was probably my own doing because I'd wrapped up the pot surface with cling film to create a greenhouse effect and to retain moisture. Learnt it online last time....guess that method doesn't go too well with sunflower seeds.

So anyway, about a week ago I threw in the second (and final) batch of seeds and lo and behold!!
There are now at least 3 seedlings which have sprouted!

Yay yay yay!

I hope they grow abit stronger before I transplant them to bigger pots. And I hope they survive in the new pots as well and grow up big and strong!

kids these days

80-90% of the time, the kids' homework inevitably becomes your homework instead....
anyway since when did kids in nursery and kindy have so many activities?

i don't remember doing all these things and when i asked my parents about it, they don't remember such stuff too. it was mostly play and some learning..

we turned out fine didn't we? hmm.....

it wasn't like this 10 years' ago too cos my nephew didn't go through so much of these...

oh well....times change...

Even if you don't feel like it....

Get up
Wash up
Get yourself out there
And SLAY.............

Gumbat!

At the back of my mind, there are another 2 challenges that I wish to overcome.
One might take a long time.

The other...I need to find the right place and right time to try it out. I know who I want to accompany me for this challenge. At least I've identified 1 or 2 close friends at work to be with me.
Psyching myself up for it slowly.

Ganbatte Michelle...
Or as K puts is....Gumbat!

Korean

while I cannot profess to be remotely conversant of the language....
and I definitely cannot read any word of Korean except for the word for "ke" as in "kekeke" for happy laughter....
I think I've learnt quite a fair bit of Korean words over 2.5 years of listening to dramas and variety shows

while I am interested in learning the language
I don't have the time to do so
not when I haven't carved out enough time and space to go for walks even

while i bought a simple book to start reading and learning the language
I never got beyond page 5 of the book unfortunately

oh well...

mish mash

recently discovered that massaging the ears and earlobes helps the body as the ears have many nerve endings and many acupoints that are connected to various parts and organs of the body.

lemme go read up more!
sounds interesting and could be easy to do as well...

===============
22 July

our 7th wedding anniversary (based on wedding dinner and Chinese tea ceremony)
it'll also be the day we pop by the primary school to register Nadya for her P1 journey next year

oh how time flies

===============
laoniang ate alot over the weekend
and put on some weight in the process

yay!

laoniang wash 46.9kg this morning
back up from 46.1kg around 2 weeks ago when I fell sick

===============
laoniang is running out of lunch ideas liao
everyday is now just rice and a stirfry of mixed veg and mushrooms with one meat or fish item

laoniang ish sibei cold

raining heavily outside
freezing in the office now
brrrr
wearing 3 layers
office dress, cardigan, another jacket
with a scarf over my legs
fingers are still so cold
laoniang's lips are a little blue at the edges liao

The discomfort

It's been many months since I'd felt this. Almost the full works.
The slight wooziness, the nausea, the bloating, the discomfort in the upper stomach area, the on and off soft stool, the on and off tremors in the legs, the on and off slight breathlessness, the slight chest pain. This time round, there's also bitterness in the mouth for at least 3-4 days already.

My dear stomach...and not-so-dear stomach acid...can dun disturb me please?
I don't want to lose anymore weight...

I want to eat happily and be able to one day eat again all the stuff that I've not really been able to take in the last 6 months....

Please....

First movie for the girls

Sunday evening.

We brought the girls for their first movie experience. We watched "Secret Life of Pets 2" at Shaw Cinema at Jewel.

Truth be told, I am actually afraid of loud sounds and have been so since young. I used to be so afraid of balloons that I'd hide in a corner away from them and whimper. During an xmas party when I was 8, I ran out of my uncle's house into the garden because the Xmas carols being played in the house were too loud for me to handle. It makes me wonder why and how I actually enjoyed clubbing and pubbing I was in my 20s. Very strange.

It is part of the reason why I rarely go to the movies in recent years.

So anyway I digressed, I was prepared to walk out of the movie halfway if I could not take the loud volume of the movie. I was also very prepared to walk out of the movie halfway if any of the girls decided they didn't like the movie or the loud volume or the dark theatre.

The girls surprised me! Nadya thoroughly enjoyed the movie and was not afraid at all of the dark theatre. I honestly thought she would be afraid. She didn't need any assurance at all. Alyssa was pretty ok but when villains appeared in the movie, she didn't like them and clambered over to sit with me. On me actually. I had to hug her and hold on to her for the latter half of the movie.

All in all a good first experience for the girls!

Putting monkeys to sleep

Both girls tested my patience alot last night. It took me 1.5hours to put them to bed.
I didn't shout at them but my patience was really sorely tested.

On hindsight, they were especially sticky last night, especially Alyssa. Both were trying to cuddle me and get hugs. One was hugging my leg and the other my arm.

While I love the cuddles, I really do wish they'd go to bed easier and faster.

Here's to hoping tonight will be a smoother night.
Ganbatte!

Try again

Lyrics extracted from "Try Again" by Aaliyah

If at first you don't succeed,
Dust yourself off, and try again
You can dust it off and try again, try again
Cause if at first you don't succeed,
Dust yourself off, and try again
You can dust it off and try again, dust yourself off and try again, try again


Yup.
My determination is not so strong...so I guess I have to try harder?

Laoniang was down

Laoniang was sick and having fever last Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday.
Was also having a stuffed nose, bad throat and dry cough.
Was on MC for those 3 days and went back to work on Friday afternoon for a meeting with my legal counsel.

Was still feeling feverish and lethargic through till Saturday and part of Sunday.
Had on and off slight nausea and soft stools.

I decided the Cetrizine and Panamol tablets were making me feel like shit and skipped them from Saturday afternoon onwards. I actually felt better thereafter.

Nevertheless, I took MC on Monday again and rested at home.
Back at work today.
Nose is pretty ok. Tummy is abit unstable still but I'm coping.

Heard that my boss was still at work the whole of last week and more even though he was coughing and having a runny nose. He's finally on MC today and tomorrow, having gotten fever last evening.

K was also down. His fever started a day or two before me.

It's the season.
I keep hearing of people falling sick and having fever. The extremely warm and humid weather isn't helping too. Please take care everyone.

Gwaen Chan Ha, Hae Su-issda

Sometimes
It feels like 3 steps forward and 2 steps back
At other times
It feels like 2 steps forward and 3 steps back

It's ok to cry
It's ok to take a break
But just keep going
However low your battery feels
However trying it might be

Keep going
One step at a time
Slowly
But surely

Emotional and tearful since last night
Get a grip
And keep going
Let's get it

Hae su-issda!

Bits and Pieces

Watch strap falling apart :(
Not sure what to do about it as it's some brand I got online...
I hope the local watch shops carry straps that fit this watch face...

Resorted to using a black rubber band to hold the strap in place this morning.
Lol...I look so cheapo and laopok hahaha....

===============
Went to Sora yesterday evening. We usually have ramen and the truffle mushroom pizza when there.

I ate half a slice of pizza before remembering that there's cheese in it. Stopped myself from gorging more and took it as an experiment to see how my tummy would react to it.

Ate most of the ramen and kept my fingers crossed that the rich (i.e. oily) soup base would not bring my stomach any issue.

Woke this morning and had to poo. Soft poo.
A little queasy this morning as well.

Not sure if it's the ramen or the cheese. Bah....

===============
Hair is getting quite dry and frizzy.
I think it's because of the length.
Lazy to go get a haircut at this point in time. Tahan abit more then see how............

The girls.....and me....

And so Nadya's fever came back last Wednesday evening. She also complained of pain in her calves and tummy. 

Thursday morning we brought her to KK. The poor girl had to undergo an enema (doc said stool stuck in her was probably causing her tummy discomfort) as well as a blood test. It was good that dengue was ruled out. But she underwent and xray as well and we were told she had a chest infection, likely due to the prolonged fever and nose congestion. She was put on a strong dose of antibiotics and sent home to rest. 

Her fever is gone but she is still somewhat whiny and a little sticky and cranky at times. She still has 3 more days of the antibiotics left...

===============

Alyssa....was doing ok....

But yesterday her nose started getting congested AGAIN. 

And she seems to be warming up. 

fingers crossed.

===============

Laoniang 累了...

Feeling a little off...body is 半烧半冷...

On and off slight sore throat....

Mind over body! Hang in there!!

Aim to take leave on Thursday or Wednesday to sleep and nuah abit...and do some colouring and soak myself in my favourite "Relaxing Guitar" Spotify playlist. 

Keep going

Past few days has been a blur.

Most of the weekend and Monday was spent looking after Nadya who was having high fever, and watching Alyssa, and entertaining them or breaking up their squabbles...I tried to stay upbeat. I tried to keep some harmony and balance at home. I tried to stay focused. I had to guide a rookie colleague on how to organise a Board meeting as well and had to spend some time overseeing his work, even when I was on child sick leave on Monday. I tried to keep up with my own goals and targets for healing. I tried, whenever I could, to do my own mental exercises as well.

Maybe I was tired or more distracted or I just needed the quiet but somehow for the past 2 nights, my breathing, stretching and meditation ended up being 20 minutes. That's quite long. I don't limit myself when I do my breathing and meditation and so far I usually average between 10-15mins, except for the past 2 nights when it ended up being a 20min session.

Was a little frustrated last evening and this morning as well. Lost my cool with Nadya this morning as she kept crying at anything and everything.

Feeling abit tired today. It's only mid-week?! But I have to keep going.
Friday's the Board meeting.

Hae su-issda Michelle. Hae su-issda!

Laoniang is 感动到.......

And so....a close colleague skyped me this morning.....

"do u know u are my pillar of strength

i mean u urself also gg thru bad times... but u still make the effort to comfort me which really comfort me alot

when i say this, is not just say nia... i really mean it.... times when i see ur msg... i feel more calm n i really feel strong.. and the whole mood lighten up.. u may not know how impt u are 

i just wanna let u know... u hv been a great comfort in my IVF journey"

Lao niang ish ish ish.....gan dong....lol...
but I told her....

"7 early 8 early....why you make me tear???!!!!"

Hahaha...

reminder to self

老娘。。。记得。。。

• 要看得开
• 要放得下
• 要忘得了 

不然会弄得自己更烦。。。

Alyssa

Alyssa...my poor baby girl...
She's been chugging medication like nobody's business since she's been a young baby. She's almost 4 already and still falling sick pretty often.

I remember Nadya getting much more stable when she turned 2 and the duration between each time she fell sick thereafter getting longer and longer...the intensity of each episode also decreased over time. For Alyssa though...it doesn't seem to like that....

The last few weeks have been tough on her. The constant cough and runny nose doesn't seem to be going away. They might taper off....and then suddenly come back with a hard vengeance. She just got off a round of antibiotics but has been put on another round of another type of antibiotics again, plus nasal spray, plus some saline wash, plus other new medications.

Hugs...baby girl...
Get well soon okay....
Mama loves you so much...

Ring Ring

Oh ya...!

Friday's dinner date was a bit more special haha....because I found that I could put on my wedding ring again lol....after 6 years of not being able to lol...

But I still can't put it on in the mornings when I have water retention HAHAHA...:D

Nadya

Nadya has been exhibiting "mean girl" bitchy behaviour in recent weeks.

I attribute it to:
(1) her getting older, and
(2) her mixing around much more with a classmate of hers.

I think it's more of (2). That girl can be rather mean, rude and bitchy sometimes.
I'm loathe to use the word "bitchy" to describe the behaviour of 6yr-olds but it really is how it is sometimes. The ostracising of another girl, the talking down to others whom they feel is not in their clique, etc. And I noticed that Nadya would act like this more and be more brazen when she is with this classmate of hers.

K spoke to Nadya last evening about her behaviour and attitude. I spoke to her last week and last night as well. I also told her that if her classmate wanted to be mean to others, it does not mean that she had to follow this classmate and be mean as well. We should treat our friends nicely....

I hope she improves soon.

Date Night

We had a simple dinner date last Friday. :)
Simple but lovely and meaningful.

We shared chye tow kueh and yong tau foo. And then went to buy some snacks and loitered a little in Parkway before making our way home to wash up and then go pick the girls from the inlaws'.

Although I took just a couple of mouthfuls of the chye tow kueh...my stomach wasn't very cooperative and acted up by the time Saturday afternoon came by...it may or may not have been the chye tow kueh....but I'm still glad I got to take some of it...:)

Onwards and upwards

4 June - took the bus home
5 June - walked alot alot more than usual, and half the time it was up a hill
7 June - had a meeting with external parties at a cafe below my office block

It's been a week of milestones and some breakthroughs.
I feel mentally tired though.

Ganbatte!
Hal su-issda!

4 June 2019

4 June 2019.
I did it that evening.
I achieved that goal I was aiming for.
K helped me out alot by being on the phone with me for 25mins and keeping me calm(er).

He said I need to give myself a pat on the back.
I shall, I will and by now, 2 days later, I already did actually haha.

Let's continue setting small targets to achieve each day.
Small wins maketh big wins.

You can do this!
Hal su-issda!

Jiayou!

Didn't manage to do something yesterday. Something that I've been meaning to overcome and conquer. For my own sake and the sake of my pocket.

I went home feeling a little disappointed but was still okay. Till I saw K. Then the tears came involuntarily. Small tears though. No big bawling.

He encouraged me to go for a walk instead. Get a small win.
And then try again the next day. To reach my target.

Yup, small wins to keep myself going. Small wins maketh a big win someday.

Jiayou Michelle. Jiayou!
You can do this!
Hal su-issda!

Thunder and Lightning

Raining cats and dogs now....
A loud clap of thunder just came....

It's 230pm. The girls are probably having their nap right now.
I hope the thunder didn't scare them. Alyssa is probably ok. Nadya's the one who's so afraid of thunder. I hope she's ok.......

Mama sends her thoughts to you girls ya...
Don't be afraid and just....continue sleeping. :D
Cover up well.........don't let your coughs get worse.....

The girls

Yesterday....the girls really tested my patience during dinner.
Alyssa had been a little grouchy since lunch time and was refusing to take her dinner.
Nadya was just walking around so often during her meal that she took rather long to finish it. And everytime I spoke to her, she'd either ignore me or take a super long time to respond or just not really do whatever I told her to do.

I don't know how many deep breaths I took to keep my composure lol...

Actually Nadya has been abit more difficult recently. Getting her to do things is akin to getting my blood pressure rise as well. Not sure if it's due to her new environment in the new school and her new friends/classmates.

Let's Get It!

And we're in June already.
Time goes by really fast the older we get.
Wonder why?
Because there are more responsibilities?
I dunno.
Ganbatte.
Ganbatte.
Ganbatte.
Hal su-issda.
Hal su-issda.
Hal su-issda.

Pointsettia

My pointsettia is still unstable.

Even after repotting into a bigger pot, another 2 leaves have yellowed and fallen off. On average, maybe one or two leaves have fallen off each week since 3 weeks ago...:(

It's not a very big plant...I hope it survives...

Maybe it's the recent high temperatures that it can't stand? Afterall, the plant came from a temperate climate...

My heart is full

I don't know if Alyssa noticed I was a little edgy this morning or what.

When we were in the car this morning, I had my eyes closed.

She took both my hands and hugged them tight. She then patted my hands while still hugging them....And she gave each hand a gentle kiss. Then she gave me a smile. It wasn't a cheeky smile or anything. It looked surprisingly mature. It seemed to be a "I know Mama. I know. But you can do it!" type of smile. A simple but emphathetic and encouraging smile.

She also gave me a bright smile and a "I love you Mama!" when I left the car to bring Nadya to school....

I was touched this morning and my heart, it melted...:)

Thank you my darling baby, Mama needed that. I love you too. Very much.

Though younger and more lacking in vocabulary, Alyssa seems to posses more empathy and awareness of emotions...And it is times like these when I feel, somehow amidst all the fumbles and uncertainties of parenting, we must have done something right.

What do you want to be?

When I was young...I actually wanted to be some of these....

• Receptionist - You're the first person and the first impression for anyone stepping into a corporate office. You make or break that first impression. How cool is that? Plus you get to dial those complicated phone systems to reach whoever your guest is trying to meet up with...:) 
• Cashier - At a grocery store. Back then when the cash register had a certain ringing sound whenever the cash till portion came sliding out. It impressed the hell out of me when I was a child and I always wanted to be the one handling the machine haha. Plus I thought it would fun to scan the groceries and see what  fooddifferent people bought. It would be fun to bag the items too! 
• Veterinarian - This was probably the only thing I wanted to be that required alot of studying haha. I loved animals alot when I was young and I wanted to be the doctor that treated them when they got sick... 
• Teacher - This was short-lived but it was one of my considerations when I was younger....largely because I was surrounded by teachers. My Dad, my aunt, my distant uncles, my parent's friends, my aunt's friends....they were all teachers!

I asked Nadya what she wanted to be last time. I think it was a year or two back. She said princess. LOL. 

Recently she said she wants to be a scientist. Wah...:)

I should start asking Alyssa what she wants to be when she grows up too....

Breathe

Headspace issues notifications to me from time to time throughout the day. Each time with little snippets and reminders. I find them useful sometimes. And they help to break some of the not-so-positive vibes as well.

Just got one. Which was a timely reminder.

"How chatty is your mind today? There is always your breath to help you out. Breathe in. Breathe out."

Breathe.
In.
Out.
Breathe.
In.
Out.
Breathe.

Of check-ups and....

Did a quick check and discovered that I've been to a GP or had medical appointments for a total of 24 times to date since the start of the year...

• Jan - 6 times
• Feb - 6 times
• Mar - 4 times
• Apr - 5 times
• May - 3 times

Actually, I may have missed out on 1 or 2 also...

Half of the year ain't even gone yet. And I know there are at least 8 to 10 more appointments and follow-ups that have been scheduled for the rest of the year....

Some people go through a whole year not seeing any GP at all, let alone a doc at the hospital. Sigh...

I don't want to think about how much I have spent so far. When people ask me what did I buy for myself after getting the mid-year bonus, I just smile and shrug and say nothing...because I'm saving up for my checkups. 

This is the year of the what again?? Year of the Pig I believe? 

Bah....not that good a year for me in terms of health...

It will get better...

It will get better...

Jiayou Michelle! 

You can do this! 

Medical Check

Went for a medical check this morning.

Thyroid and cortisol levels are not abnormally low and out of whack, but they are not within the normal range either....just borderline below the normal range.

Will be referred to the endocrine specialist for further assessment on hormone levels and my endocrine system.

And I have mild piles. zzzzz...had my bum poked by the doc this morning. Nvm, this is no biggie. Just need to take care, drink more water, take more vegetables and don't strain too much while pooing.

And apparently my liver is slightly fatty. Like really? Even after losing 5kg in the last 5-6 months? zzzzz....

Good thing is that stomach scope and pancreas scan are all ok and clear.

Was given omeprazole again to control the acid reflux and probiotics...

I wonder how many case files I have with CGH already........the clinics I have open cases with at CGH are at least 6 or 7....and I have another 2 at SGH...

Ganbatte...
I can do this...
I can do this...
I can do this!!!

Reminder to Self

1. Make little changes to your life - exercise, get out in nature, meditate 
2. Smile more - even if you don't feel like it
3. Relish, simple everyday moments
4. Perform random acts of kindness
5. Avoid comparisons and embrace your own imperfections
6. Build and maintain close relationships

Sunday's meals....and stomach spoil....and girl crush?

K and I both like this restaurant at Katong V. It's called Strong Flour and is part of the Group Therapy group of cafes. It also happens to be run by an acquaintance of mine whom I met at least 8 years ago due to work.

We brought the girls there for lunch yesterday. The girls like the truffle fries there. As usual, the food did not disappoint. It was good...though it could be abit oily at times....

And yep....the oiliness caused my stomach to react...

Alyssa was feeling a little queasy as well....

And so we ended up ordering porridge for dinner lol...From this place called Li Fang Porridge in Geylang...It was our first time trying them out and we're glad we did! Their porridge was good...thick congee the way I like it...It did not turn watery even after an hour just sitting there on my kitchen counter.

Laoniang likes this type of "chok". Yummy!

My stomach though....I was still bloated, full and queasy at bedtime...:(
Even after just having light porridge for dinner....

Speaking of my acquaintance, the co-owner of Strong Flour and the Group Therapy chain....
She's young, thin and wiry. Tomboyish since my initial days of knowing her. But there's a certain charisma she has. In the Korean entertainment industry, they would describe her as being "cool" and a "girl crush" haha.

Here's wishing Wei Lin all the best in her cafes!

Coincidences - part 2

Still happening...the number 44 keeps popping up.

• 7 or 8 out of 10 times I check the time, it will still read as 2:44pm, 20:44pm, etc.
• I went for a medical appointment and it was in room 44 for that day, even though the doctor was usually in room 25. 
• I checked my phone another day and a Whatsapp message notification showed that it came in 44mins ago. 
• I glanced at the mivrvowave oven one day to see how long more till the food is heated and the clock showed it still had 44 more seconds to go....

Little little bits like that...on most days...

So 巧.....So uncanny....

Origami

Folding lilies and cranes can be rather calming.
Perhaps I should buy another pack of origami paper from Daiso and leave it in the office...:)

Me vs Me

At the end of the day
It can be lonely
As

It is a battle
It is a conversation
It is a compromise
It is a challenge
It is a journey
It is a process

Between me
And me

The thoughts
The feelings
The emotions
And also
The physical manifestations

I feel them
I experience them
Only I may fully understand
The impact they have on me

On a daily basis
On an hourly basis

I don't wish to explain
Certain actions or behaviour of mine
However strange or preposterous
They may seem at times

I am thankful though
For friends and family who
Accept me as is

Learning how to ground
Learning how to manage
Learning

There is still a long way to go
May my days be more manageable and fruitful
May my nights be more restful

Keep the faith
Keep going

Hal su-issda
I can do it!

Random stuff

Wanted to colour last night but ended up being rather tired so I went to bed earlier instead. Thought I could have a good night's rest but the thunderstorm at 330am kept me up abit I think. I remember I was still trying to get back to sleep and still hearing thunder clapping here and there.

Wonder if I can get 20winks later...a 5-10mins quick shuteye would be nice...

==============
Seems that The Coll is trying to push a piece of policy work to me.

A string of Hokkien swear words emanated from me when I heard about it.

How many times has she "siammed" work already? Either act blur or cook up excuses or siam....until the piece of work falls into a black hole.

NB she better don't continue pushing. Pek check enough already as it is.

===============
I met a lady from the far end of office at the washroom today. We seldom see each other as she's seated very far away. She commented that I'd slimmed down alot...and asked me to take care....

:(

===============
My new Nike cap came in the mail 2 days ago. Sibei like. Sibei love. Sibei chio lah the cap...

It's dark grey with the words "Just do it" embroidered on the front of it, just above the duck bill. no tick, nothing else. And the grey's made to seem a little washed out.

Loving it! :)
Brought me alot of joy unwrapping it from the packaging that day haha...:)

Pointsettia

Spent a short 5-10mins transplanting my pointsettia into a bigger pot last night before bed.
It was actually a small and very short plant with a single bunch of pointsettia red leaves...maybe around 10cm tall only? Given to me by Linda my colleague fro Xmas last year.

I brought it home and gave it some love and care. I wasn't expecting much but it somehow blossomed...most of the red leaves dropped off by February or March...but then new foliage started appearing in early April, which is actually spring time in Europe. The plant has since sprouted several new branches and baby leaves too...and is standing at 15cm tall and 10-12cm wide.

The plant was still in its original tiny pot and I'd neglected to switch it out to a bigger pot. Plus I was a little lazy. Some leaves started turning yellow end of last week and one or two actually shrivelled up and dropped off....

I got worried and quickly transplanted it last night. Let's hope that the plant roots will reach out to the new soil soon and the plant will discover that it has more space to grow into!

Breathe.

Sometimes when The Coll does things...

Especially when it is just a repetition of what you proposed or said or did.... 

Just so she has the "last say"....

I need to learn to let it go and just treat it as a dog barking...Yes, just a dog barking. 

Need to learn to walk away and save myself from being pek chek. 

Walk away 

Breathe

Walk away

Ignore

Walk away

Do better things

Walk away

Be bigger

Walk away 

Keep going keep trying

Nadya seems really sticky to me during bedtime.

When I suggested to her yesterday evening that K would put her to sleep instead of me, she immediately became all upset and whiny and insisted that I be the one to put both she and Alyssa to sleep.

Nvm, keep trying.

Weight

Laoniang is at 46.9kg.

Hoping to bring it back up to 48 or so....

Yummy....Fishy....Tuna!

Last Friday, I wanted to get 1 tin of tuna to try out its taste as I've not taken it before. Ayam Brand's tuna in olive oil.  K ended up getting 4 tins of it because he said there was some kind of promo lol.

So anyway I've been having tuna for breakfast these 2 days and I have to say it tastes pretty yummy. :)

The only thing about tuna is.......

The fishy smell it leaves in your mouth.........

I got abit conscious of myself these 2 days, especially in the first half of the day... hahaha

Of colours and inspirations

Feeling blessed.

On Monday, Kah Hui gifted me with a sketchbook. She'd gotten it from Denmark when she was on her course a month ago. She finally had the time to sort out her trip stuff and had the chance to bring it to office to pass to me.

It's a lovely sketchbook with a plain cover for you to design your own front and back covers. I don't think she realised it but the front and back covers are actually made with special watercolour paper. Haha...she only thought it was some unique rough or meshed paper. :)

I've not opened the book yet because I don't have any inspiration as yet on how to utilise it or what to fill it up with....and I don't have an inkling what to paint on the cover too...:) Will keep it aside till I find my inspiration!

===============
Spent 30-40mins colouring last night. Not sure what came over me but it's been a long long time since I coloured. Finished up a 3/4 coloured mandala last night and did up half of another mandala.

Maybe I might have some time tonight to finish the second mandala up.


Felt somewhat refreshed

===============
Still very much in love with my 48-colour Stabilo colour pencils.
Since it's been so long since I last coloured, I'd also forgotten how much I actually love those pencils!

I keep them hidden from the girls...I do get possessive over my special (and separate) stash of art supplies. I draw the line at things that are just solely for myself. :)

There aren't many of them though...Just 2 colouring books, my Stabilo 48 piece colour pencil set, my watercolour brushes and my watercolour special paper. :)

The rest of the stuff like coloured paper, coloured cards, origami paper, yarn, googly eyes, ice-cream sticks, watercolour paints, poster colour paints, finger paints, palettes, brushes, etc....are free for those two little girls to use (and abuse) hahaha.....

Bits and Pieces

Even a 1,000km journey starts from a single step...

A single step
A single breath
A single movement

===============
The girls both have runny noses and phlegmy coughs.
Alyssa vomitted on Saturday night and Nadya had a slightly infected eye on Sunday...
Hope they get well soon...

Nadya has been rather whiny and quick to get teary and upset these 2 weeks...
Sickness aside, when I ask her if anything happened in school or if there was anything that upset her, she'd say that there was nothing...or maybe she doesn't know how to articulate her feelings.
Hope she opens up and talks about it or sorts herself out soon....

===============
Homework
Get myself acquainted with more words describing emotions
Be more aware of what emotions I am feeling

===============
Bits and Pieces
I wonder if they are still around? The store selling silver jewellery?
I used to get all my stuff from them when I was in secondary school and JC...and maybe even during uni days? I cannot remember...

Today we will survive

From "Not Today" BTS
Verse sung by Jungkook, Jimin, J-hope & V


"If you can't fly, then run
Today we will survive
If you can't run, then walk
Today we will survive
If you can't walk, then crawl
Even if you have to crawl, gear up
Aim your gun! Ready! Fire!"

Every little step forward is still progress

Before the girls slept, I told Nadya to go the toilet on her own if she needed to pee in the middle of the night. Also told her that she need not fuss or cry if she needed to pee. Just go pee and then go back to sleep. Been telling her these since awhile back....

My intention is to have her be independent and to overcome her fear of the dark....and of course to minimise sleep interruption for me. Ok, the latter is my main goal lol....

She did very well last night...I heard her wake and go to the washroom herself. Was also glad that she did not fuss or what.

I thought I could just drift back to sleep when she came over after she'd peed.

"Mama!" She whispered and tapped my arm. "Mama!"
"Mama! I woke up and went to pee by myself!!" She said proudly.

"Ok, good job darling. Mama is proud of you. Now go back to sleep...."

So in the end I still got woken up........
*facepalm*

But nevermind.....Reminder to self. Every little step forward is still progress. :)

Alyssa the water baby

Alyssa has been rather taken with swimming recently. Ever since she gained courage and discovered she could swim (or more like dog paddle) around the pool on her own if she had her trusty arm floats on. I took some videos of her doing that last Saturday morning and now she wants to see those videos everyday haha.

She's been showing one particular video to different people and asked me to show her aunt last evening as well. She's proud of her achievement I guess haha.

According to Alyssa's form teacher, apparently Alyssa announced to her teacher and classmates 1 or 2 days ago that "My Dada swims with me with no Tshirt on."

And it sparked off a lengthy "My Daddy also never wear T-shirt" conversation in the entire class haha.

Imagine all the little 3 and 4 year olds talking about their daddies being topless....Lol...
So amusing!

Off with you!

The reflux was under control for awhile. But since last Friday, it kind of reared its head up again. And here I am trying my valiant best to quell it into submission.

These few days.......

• Stomach feels a little twisted up. 
• Stomach feels bloated more than half the time, especially after lunch. 
• Eating alot less again. 
• Wake up feeling a little nauseated sometimes.
• Difficulty swallowing.
• Lump in the throat feeling most of the time. "Globus sensation" is the medical term for it I believe.
• Heartburn on and off
• Chest pain on and off
• Tight chest on and off

Hope this episode clears up soon...
Mind over body? Yeah, mind over body. I can handle this....

Go to sleep now....close your eyes....

We finally tried it. Something I was hoping for a long time. 

K put the girls to sleep last night. Alyssa was pretty cool about it and was very ok with the arrangement. 

Nadya was not so cool about it. She bawled big time. It lasted a good 10-15mins. She cried herself to sleep I think. When Alyssa came out to pee and Nadya was still crying her eyes out, Alyssa told me: "Mama, I told jiejie no need to cry and to be quiet. Mama is just next door right?!"

Although my heart ached a little hearing Nadya cry, I think it is still a good step forward. For all of us. Baby steps. Do it 2-3 times a week and she'll get used to it. 

Having that extra 1-1.5hrs really makes a difference. That "me time" to settle down, tie up loose ends and round up the day.  I managed to settle some things including work and personal stuff and even watched 15mins' worth of a variety show. How cool is that? 

Boxy!

So so blessed.

ST just gave me a box from Miniso...it's a storage box but it also doubles up as a foot rest...
She's been blessing me with gifts every now and then since last year...I feel so paiseh.

And she always tells me she's very grateful I brought her into the team.

We recently got our bonus letters and she said it's the biggest she's ever seen in her entire working life...and she brought up the "being grateful to me" thing again.

My first time bringing someone into the team and I'm glad that things worked out well. She's a good worker and a very nice person. A good fit to the team and I'm glad my judgement of character was accurate in this instance. :)

She's turned out to be one of my closest friends in the team too...:)

Stomach spoil again

Just when I wrote about stabilising the stomach last Friday morning....

Then on Friday afternoon and evening, my stomach acted up. Been quite a long while since the acid reflux acted up so badly. I had the full works of nausea, slight dizziness, chest pain, lump in the throat feeling, bloatedness and upper tummy ache....

Had lunch at 1130am/12pm on Friday and had to skip dinner because I couldn't put anything in at all. If I did, I'd probably have thrown it up. My dinner/supper ended up being just a Maple syrup roll from a bakery, at 930pm or 10pm that night. Had to nibble on it slowly and split the bun into two or three portions instead of finishing it up at one go.

Since that evening, the tummy has not been that well...couldn't eat much over the weekend as well even though I was hungry and wanted to eat....

Because of skipping dinner on Friday and eating less over the weekend, I lost a little weight again...Boo....

Everyday is worth celebrating

Heard a song on Love 97.2 FM this morning...And there was a line which touched me.

"每天都值得去庆祝!"

Everyday is worth celebrating.

So motivating.

Also....find the good and the joy in every situation.
Note to self. Reminder to self!

Of Songs and Lyrics

Alyssa and Nadya were singing self-composed songs to their "babies" last night. They were trying to put their "babies" to sleep. "Babies" being Panda, Alyssa's favourite soft toy, and Bunny, Nadya's favourite toy.

Nadya sang a song which made me a little sad...One of her lines went like this...

"Mama needs to go to work....
I will see you later...
Somebody else will take care of you..."

:(  :(  :(

And then Alyssa surprised me with her own song...I was quite captivated and managed to jot down some of her self-composed lyrics....While not fully coherent, I was surprised at the language she used and how some of the phrases actually rhymed! Whether it was a conscious effort or not, I thought she did a very good job at the lyrics...for a 3.5yr old little girl. It was so....profound.

Here's how her song went.....

"I love you
I miss you
Sleep in the night
When the stars shine bright
Anyway
You cannot be in the way
And you can fill your day up
In the morning
You can talk about your day
In the night
That's me in the world
Shining bright
So fill your day up
To the sky
To the night"

This little girl is turning out quite well, tantrums aside....:)

zzz...zzz...

Too much talking this week...

Last Saturday night - more than an hour
Last Sunday afternoon - 30mins
Tuesday night - an hour
Thursday afternoon - 2-2.5 hours in total
Thursday night - 45mins
Friday afternoon - 1hr

No wonder I feel rather exhausted...
I want sleep and me time.
2 whole days of it. Maybe 3.

Weight...Diet...Changes...

Laoniang is weighing in at 47.1kg since last week...newest low. Sometimes the scale showed 46.9kg as well.

A little alarming considering it's been an average of 1kg loss per month since December.

Things that contributed:

• Stomach issues - Functional dyspepsia and acid reflux. Half the time I am walking around with either a bloated stomach or a stomach that feels knotted up or a stomach that is having indigestion.

• Diet change - major change. I have cut out 98% of snacks and biscuits and sweets. I'm still munching on raisin bread in between meals sometimes. It is my go-to for a quick energy top-up. No chocolates, cakes, tea, coffee, milk, spicy and deep fried food. Though I have no choice but to take fried food sometimes when we are outside and there are no other food choices. No tomatoes and other sour stuff (like pickles, oranges, etc) either. My lunch everyday now is either fusili, noodles or rice, with 2 or 3 types of veg and either chicken, lean pork or minced meat. Come to think of it, 90-95% of my meals are now home-cooked meals, with only the occasional ordering in or dining out. Wah.....

• Meal frequency - Taking smaller portions per meal or as much as my stomach would allow me to put in. Instead of 3 meals a day and munching on snacks in the afternoon sometimes, I'm doing about 4-5 meals a day now, with munching on raisin bread if I feel my energy and/or sugar level getting low. 

Never knew the diet change and switching to smaller but more meals in a day could have such an effect on my weight. That's all my pregnancy weight and more that has been lost. 

But I think I'll still give it another 1-2 more months of cleaner eating before I slowly try to eat some of these foods again to identify which ones are more tolerable and which are the clear no-nos. 

Anyway, ganbatte Michelle...

Don't worry too much about the weight loss...most important thing is to stabilise the stomach first and then see how it goes......Jiayou!!

Epiphany | Self-love

Epiphany by BTS' Jin has been a fav of mine since last year...
Came across an article today that recommended a list of K-songs for self-healing. And Epiphany popped up in the list, together with G-Dragon's Untitled, which I also like. 

Anyway....here are Epiphany's lyrics...


Epiphany
- BTS Jin aka Kim Seok Jin

So weird, I for sure loved you so muchAdapted to you with everything, I wanted to live my life for you
But as I keep doing that I just can't bear the storm inside my heart
The real myself inside the smiling mask, I reveal it entirely

I’m the one I should love in this worldShining me, precious soul of mineI finally realized so I love me
Not so perfect but so beautifulI’m the one I should love

I’m shaking and afraid but I keep going forwardI’m meeting the real you, hidden in the stormWhy did I want to hide my precious self like this?What was I so afraid of?Why did I hide my true self?

I’m the one I should love in this world
Shining me, precious soul of mineI finally realized so I love me
Not so perfect but so beautifulI'm the one I should love

I may be a bit blunt, I may lack some things
I may not have that shy glow around me
But this is me
My arms, my legs, my heart, my soul

I wanna love in this world
Shining me, precious soul of mine
I finally realized so I love me
Not so perfect but so beautiful
I'm the one I should love

I’m the one I should love
I’m the one I should love