dunno whether to laugh or cry

I'm a dinosaur maybe. I'm not too tech savvy. (an irony considering the place I'm working at)
And I'm lazy. The phone was not backed up for a long time...many months....

Which brings me to a problem now. Getting an authorised vendor to do data recovery from the fried phone will set me back by $642. !@$#$%@@$%$^%

K is exploring other vendors and I hope they can do something just as well but for a better price...

My photos and videos of the girls....of the Osaka trip...of their outings....
My notes...my personal notes detailing stuff I wanted to tell my doctors during my upcoming consultations with them, my weekend meal plans for the family, my Korean vocabulary list, my medical checkups list....

Sigh....

To Ti Gong

够了hor, 前四个星期平均每一个星期都有一两件事情发生...
Tolong lah...go easy ok.....please please please? :)

17/18 Jan - tummy issues
22 Jan - eye laser + vasovagal attack + AnE
24 Jan - eye clinic visit
30 Jan - throat issue + AnE + ENT + Nasal Scope + Acid Reflux
31 Jan - giddiness and nausea in office + blood test for thyroid
1 Feb - giddiness and nausea in office
4 Feb - fainting spell in office
6 Feb - fainting spell in restaurant
7 Feb - poly visit for thyroid test review
11 Feb - saw GP again for tummy issues
13 Feb - phone conked off!!!

Fried Phone

Laoniang's phone conked off last night. While I was viewing a PDF file sent by Nadya's form teacher.

K and I tried everything. Till this morning we were still trying.

We finally brought it to the service centre during lunch today. The lady did a connectivity test of some sort....and we were told that the motherboard was fried.

????!!!!!

Nabeh.

The phone's only 1yr 2mths old. I am barely over half the mark for my M1 mobile contract. And I am just past the deadline for the phone guarantee. FML.

Recontracting now will cost me an extra $350 early re-contract fee. >:(

I'm worried about the data in the phone...K is trying to get someone to recover the data. And we're wondering how to move forward....I'm using my old Iphone 6 but that's abit wonky too...the battery drains pretty fast....

Today's the what? CNY Chu10....sigh.....

Weight

And so...laoniang is now at 48.8kg.

Down again from the 49.7 that I was consistently at over the last couple of days...and down from the 51.5kg that I was at maybe 3-4 weeks ago....

That's more or less the weight that I was at pre-Alyssa...I shed in 2-3 weeks what I couldn't shed over 3 years....hmm...

Reflux

Acid reflux acted up quite strongly last night.

Not sure if it was the food I ate last night though I think unlikely. I had tang oh vegetable with fishballs, some soya sauce chicken with tau kwa, a braised egg and some other veg. Light enough and not spicy or sour or oily. Plus watermelons.

K said it could be the amount I ate. Mum said it could be because I didn't chew the food into emall enough pieces.

Whatever the reason, throat started feeling constricted last night again. Top of the stomach was quite uncomfortable and when I woke this morning, I had some loose stools. After 12hours, my throat still feels a little constricted and when I had breakfast earlier on, some slight chest pains when the food went down...

Bah...acid ah acid...don't disturb me can?
Very xinku leh...can't eat so many things...

Another milestone

Alyssa drew an owl last night...She got the shape absolutely correct.

She even drew a pair of eyes that were quite accurate. One big circle with a smaller circle inside for the pupil....

She even drew a triangular beak...She also tried to draw feet and talons!

And she can write capital A, O, V, E and L quite well now...

So proud of her lah!

What to do...we're her biggest fans! (I'm her biggest fan!)

Milestone

...of sorts...

Alyssa self-declared that she wanted to go diaper-free for last night's sleep. I checked with her a few times and she was resolute in her decision. Steady lah. Let's go for it!

Before sleeping, I reminded her that if she needed to pee, she had to wake and let us know.

11pm..Nadya woke to pee and fussed a little. The noise stirred Alyssa up a little so I took the oportunity to ask her if she wanted/needed to pee. She said no and went back to sleep.

12am. I somehow woke and felt a little uneasy haha. I went over to check on her and voila...her underpants and bedsheet were all wet. She was still sleeping like a log. Lol, even when I was wiping her down and using towels to soak up her pee and throwing towels on her bed...I put on a pair of diapers for her and she continued sleeping peacefully....

Still, it was a valiant effort on her part! Let's see what she says tonight. :)

Now even the littlest one is growing up slowly but surely...where did all the time go?  Slow down girls.....;(

Nausea, lightheadedness/giddiness.

Fainting spell in office on 4 Feb around 12-plus. K had to come pick me.

CNY Days 1 and 2 - I was just trying to keep it together when we went from house to house. Felt tired, light-headed and sometimes breathless. Nausea was on and off. Luckily there were only 3 houses in the day and 1 in the evening on Day 1. Skipped mum's house on Day 2 morning and only popped by my inlaws' place. Had a fainting spell on Day 2 evening when we went out for dinner. Walked from the carpark to the restaurant and I felt faint and was panting. Low sugar? Sigh..I dunno.

Days 3 and 4 were spent at home. Was on MC and on leave.

Weekend was uneventful though I wasn't feeling well still. Nausea and light-headedness came in dribs and drabs.

Monday - CNY Day 7 - aka everyone's birthday.... I was a little tired but otherwise ok in the morning. But by the time I reached office, I felt a little off. Thought it was because I didn't have anything to eat yet so I had some breakfast. The feeling didn't go away and the nausea came back. I felt like retching and slowly shuffled to the toilet. Don't think anyone would be happy if I really ended up throwing up in the office itself. Retched a couple of times in the toilet but nothing came out. Lightheadedness was still there and heart was beating faster due to the retching. Decided to go see a doc. (again).

I hope whatever is causing this goes away soon.

Animals

We talked about more animals in the last few days:

1. Rabbits (specifically giant Flemish rabbits and dwarf rabbits)
2. Vultures
3. Bears (brown, black, grizzly, sun)
4. Chicks
5. Anteaters
6. Boa Constrictors (Nadya requested for this)
7. Hippos
8. Guinea pigs
9. Pigs
10. Squirrels
11. Budgerigars
12. Monkeys (specifically macaques and gorillas)

Nadya, being older, seems to understand more of all the snippets of information about each animal that I try to share with them. Alyssa is content with looking at pictures of the animals and sometimes trying to share her 2 cents' worth. :) 

It's a whole lot of information sometimes but I hope they do learn and remember some of it...

Well, I know they do remember that flamingo babies are not born pink. :) 

Acid Acid Go Away....

The acid reflux choot alot of power today.
Even after medication, I still couldn't eat much for breakfast and that "lump in the throat" feeling (aka globus sensation) is quite strong. Constantly feeling like there's something stuck in the throat.

Only managed 1/3 or half an egg sandwich and then I felt maxed out. Tummy felt so stuffed and throat felt like it couldn't take in anything more.

Was it due to me waking up 4-5 times last night cos of the girls?

Fighting!

Weight this morning: 49.5kg....

Weight

Weighed myself this morning. I was sub-50kg. 49.8kg to be exact.

Not eating well and not eating much for 2-3 days made me lose 1-1.3kg.

Part of me is happy that I lost weight. Part of me is not so happy that I lost weight cos of health issues...But oh well, hope I can fit better into some of my old dresses now.....

Hwaiting

There are good days
There are bad days
Some days I do better
Some days I do worse
Then I wonder if I am losing my shit

The trembling
The nervousness
The unease or panic or terror that sometimes comes

The tightness in chest
The deep breathing needed
The urge to cry

The self-talk
The pep talks
The meditation music

The need to be stronger
The expectation to be stronger
The want to be stronger

Avoiding
Hiding
Cowering

The acid reflux
The stomach issues
The eyes
The heart
The brain
The mind

The worry of being a burden
The worry of bringing down others
The worry of ....

Don't dwell
Don't be afraid
Don't worry
Be happy
Be open
Be optimistic

Try
I'm trying
Try again
I'm trying
Try harder
I'm trying

Alone
But not alone
Alienated
But not alienated

Weak smiles
Forced laughter
Nervous laughter

Face your fears
Perservere
Hang in there
Fight on
Exercise

Waiting
Hwaiting
This too shall pass?

Losing weight
Losing appetite
Can't eat well

Hwaiting
Waiting
All these too shall pass?

The night is darkest before dawn comes?
May the sun shine
May the rainbow appear
May the birds chirp

Hwaiting

Alyssa's Milestone!

I had an unexpected proud mummy moment last night...

K and I were standing in our main doorway talking to our neighbours. Nadya and Alyssa were playing in the living room. The helper was in the washroom.

Suddenly Alyssa came over to me with her undies and pants in her hand, i.e. she was naked from waist down.

A: "Mama, I pee pee."

I thought she peed her pants and removed them herself but when I touched them they were dry.
Me: "Do you need to pee now? Let's go."

A: "Noooo, I pee pee already!"

Me: "Har really??!!"

She looked at me proudly and said:

A: "Yah!!"

I went to check my bathroom...True enough...
She did pee in the toilet bowl! All by herself! At age 3yrs and 4mths! Milestone!! Yay yay yay!

Somehow she put the baby toilet seat onto the toilet bowl, climbed up to sit and relieved herself, came back down, tore some toilet paper to wipe herself and then happily went outside to inform me about it. She also did everything in semi-darkness as she's too short to reach the light switch for the toilet.

Nadya was only wiling to do go to the toilet by herself when she was 4. That said, she's still only willing to do so during the day....If it's in the middle of the night, someone still needs to accompany her...

Ok....so now...all that's left is.....to train Alyssa up for going diaperless in the night...........
Major challenge...ganbatte to all of us!

health woes

Had trouble swallowing yesterday morning. Throat felt like it had a lump in it. Felt like this since Tuesday night.

Went to work on Wed morning, took a bite of my breakfast, and felt that sensation again. Food also took longer to go down the food pipe and I had to keep drinking water to make it go down. I felt a little gagging and also some nausea. Ended up going to a GP, who referred me to CGH's AnE (yes, AnE again). AnE doc said it didn't seem like anything was wrong or in urgent need to fix and so she referred me to the ENT doc.

ENT doc stuck a scope through my nose down to the throat and finally said....I had acid reflux. Said the acid was causing my throat to be irritated and due to the irritation, it feels like there's a lump in my throat. The esophagus was also irritated, which was why I could feel the food going down slowly as well. Like as if the food was getting stuck.

Was prescribed 3 months worth of Omeprazole to control the acid production. I've not decided whether to take the full 3 months...but I'll take it for at least 1-2 weeks...to quell the stomach hopefully.

After not eating much for the entire day on Wednesday, I weighed myself this morning and realised I lost a whole kg. Eating much better today...maybe the medicine is working to reduce the acid...
There is still some nausea and bloating (which I read online are also symptoms of acid reflux) here and there...which I hope can clear up in the next few days..

Doc said...to skip spicy stuff, caffeinated foods/drinks, citrus stuff, and oily stuff....Read online that chocolates, garlic and onions cause acid reflux issues to be worse also...sigh...

Need to eat clean clean clean...................................

BBC? Discovery Channel? Animal Planet?

In the recent 3 or 4 days, the girls and I have taken to talking about a few animals each night before they go to sleep.

In a bid to distract them from always asking me to show them cartoon videos before bed, and in a bid to minimise the crying and or fussing when I reject them, I tried this out and it surprisingly worked! I hope this becomes the new norm. Sure beats dealing with fussy and crying girls before bedtime haha.

I'd show them pictures of the animals we were talking about that night, and then share with them whatever information I knew of those animals. Depending on their level of interest, I sometimes dwell longer on some animals than others. The girls would also ask questions. Some are good questions actually. Good sensible questions that I didn't expect them to ask. For example, Alyssa asked me how to zebras drink water and whether they had to spread their front legs wider to reach the water like how giraffes did.

I kind of feel a little like a BBC channel or a Discovery channel or Animal Planet on legs haha. I hope they learn from these sessions

So far....we've covered the following animals:

1. polar bears
2. lions
3. tigers
4. cheetahs
5. leopards
6. wolves
7. foxes
8. flamingoes
9. baby owls (Alyssa specifically requested for baby owls and not the adult ones haha)
10. seals
11. walruses
12. giraffes
13. pandas
14. red pandas
15. swans
16. shetland ponies

Let's see....what animals should we do tonight...gorillas? eagles? hyenas? 

Eyes...windows to our soul?

2 weeks since my last post.

It's 28 Jan today. It's my first day back at work after last week's fiasco? happening? incident?.....

And so, on 22 Jan, I went for my eye checkup with the retina specialist. We reached at 8-plus and only saw the doc at 10am. Was told that the right eye's retina had some small holes that needed to be mended through a laser procedure. The procedure was to be done that day itself and would take less than 10minutes.

K and I waited till 12pm and then it was my turn for the procedure. As with all procedures and surgeries I've been through, including 2 c-sections, the doctor would explain what would happen next and run me through the whole thing. There would be preparations and pre-empts for the patient.

When I went into the room, I was told to sit down and a nurse put numbing eyedrops for me. I was told to put my head on a machine and look to my right. Then to my surprise (and horror), the procedure immediately started. No pre-empt, no explanation nothing. While fast, the whole process was uncomfortable and I felt pain from the laser shots.

What followed next was very unnerving. One of the scariest moments of my life actually. I wasn't even that scared when I went for my brain surgery or my c-sections...

I opened my eyes but couldn't see out of my right eye. I could only see the colour red. A solid wall of red. I was brought back to a seat in the waiting area and I sat down next to K.

I remember feeling very unwell. I remember telling K that I had no time to prepare myself and the procedure took place suddenly. I remember telling K that I was feeling very unwell. I was starting to pant and could feel myself becoming faint. When I opened my left eye I could only see grey/green vision. I think I told K I was going to puke and faint. I could vaguely hear him telling me that it was ok, that I should be thinking too much, that I should try to relax....I could feel the blood drain from my face. By then he'd called a nurse since I said I was going to throw up.

I vaguely know nurses were around me. I could hear one of them saying that I was very pale and that I should be made to lie down cos my BP was very low. (I found out later that my BP was only 75/37.) I remember breaking out in sweat even though I was in a cardigan. I remember a nurse pricking my fingertip, my left index finger to be exact, to check for my sugar level. I heard someone call out 7.4 (the sugar level reading).

I was subsequently looked at by a medical officer and had my ECG taken twice at the eye clinic. The ECG tests were normal. It was around an hour after I lay down that I was feeling better and they decided to wheel me to the AnE.

The AnE triage nurse took my BO twice and it was still low, around 88/43. Was monitored and shifted from the main area to the observation area. I had another ECG done and it was good too. Was pricked again to check my sugar level and by then it was 5.2, which is still a normal reading...

They gave me IV fluids to bring my BP back up. When I'd rested enough, K was also allowed to come in to see me. He bought some food for me. It was 3pm by then. I managed to eat the food he bought and my B subsequently went back to a normal reading of 113/72.

AnE discharged me at 4pm. The AnE doc in charge of me, a certain Dr Edwin Tan I think, explained that it was a vasovagal attack. A bodily reaction by the nervous system where the body reacts to a "shock" or pain by dropping the blood pressure and heart rate. Hence the fainting...Some other AnE doc told me that "eye procedures are notorious for such bodily reactions". Not sure about this comment though cos the eye clinic nurses told me this was the first time they'd seen someone have this kind of reaction to a laser procedure.

K just feels that my anxiety brought about this reaction. To be honest, this recent incident has brought my anxiety back. Trying to keep a control on myself and my thoughts/emotions.

It's been almost a week after the procedure, the eye is still having a slight redness, and slight aches from time to time. There is also still some swelling in the upper eyelid area. I'm without eye make-up today and a colleague said I look sleepier and a little woozy haha. So I guess eyeliners really do brighten up one's eyes quite abit. CNY is in a weeks' time. Not sure if I am able to use eye makeup by then....if not then...I'll just look less nice for this year.....

Sigh. The last 2-3 months have not been very good for me. I hope the Year of the Golden Pig will bring me better things.....Fighting!

Conversations

The other night they were arguing before bed...I forgot what they were arguing about but it somehow became....

A: I will tell Mama!
N: I will tell Dada!
A: Then I well tell Yeye!
N: You tell lor! I will tell Nai Nai!
A: I will tell Teacher Kelly! (N's form teacher)
N: I will tell Teacher Charlene! (A's form teacher)

And they went on and on and practically exhausted all persons that they knew....

============
Playing and arguing at the same time on another night....

N: EHHHH!!!! Why did you take my utensil!!

I was surprised she used the word "utensil"...didn't know she knew that word also haha. I turned to see them arguing over a pencil.

Me: Nadya, what did you say again? Pencil or utensil?
N: Utensil....
Me: Utensil and pencil are 2 different things......
N: Oh...opps...

No...dun wanna go....but I can't

Not looking forward to it.
I think the team wants to go Batam for a 1-day trip.

First off, it takes 7am till 9pm. I can't send the kids to school and if K can't put the girls to sleep then I still need to put them to sleep when I get back home. Friggin tiring.

2. It's a seafood lunch. I'm allergic to some seafood stuff now...

3. I don't quite enjoy going to such factory outlets and/or souvenir shops. There's usually nothing to see or buy...

4. There's a 60-min massage session...Call me strange but I feel anxious when I go for such stuff, especially when it's a new place or person or environment. I usually don't feel comfortable if and when I go for massages....which is why I don't go for them at all. The last massage I ever had was in 2012 during my honeymoon.

5. There's a visit to a coffee luwak plant/factory with coffee tasting and all. I don't take coffee....

6. I don't think my energy levels are up to it....for a day to night trip.


I should be happy that I'm going on a sponsored day-trip right?.....
But I'm not feeling it.

Conversations

Alyssa's recent catchphrase - "Oh My Goodness!"

==========
I was showering Nadya that day at my parents place. We had gone back there for our usual Saturday dinner with them. Nadya snooked me with a question in the bathroom. I wasn't prepared for it....

N: Mama, how do babies get into their mummies' tummies?
Me: Err....errr....

I was thinking whether or not to go into the whole birds-and-bees spiel, and was also deciding what are the words to use to make the whole explanation age-appropriate for her.....
I probably took too long because she interrupted me.

N: Oh, you don't know ah? Nevermind, just ask Google lor!

I had a silly grin plastered on my face and she asked me....

N: Why are you smiling like that?

Me: Nah, nothing. You look so cute with your hair wet.


Ok...;p
I wiggled my way out of this one...But the time will come when she asks something like that again.
Guess I need to slowly try to figure out how to explain such stuff to her...:)

.....first post of 2019.....

And so I took a break from work from 21 Dec till 2 Jan. I had hoped for it to be a relaxing time.

In reality, it was part relaxing but also busy in a way as well. The festivities took up quite a bit of time, with gatherings to attend, family and friends to catch up with. The new year also brought about some administrative stuff to settle, especially with the girls' school stuff. 

It is taking while for my engine at work to rev up...

May the week ahead be more fruitful compared to today. :)