Niam Niam Time

Need a simple rant early in the morning. I know it's Friday but...

I guess the one who stays the longest in an organisation ends up bearing the brunt of the missteps, irresponsibilities, nonchalance (or intended avoidance), bad planning of past staff who have since left or taken on other roles in the organisation. 

Let's see. The painful and cumbersome things on my plate which were a result of others' doings:

1. Cluster Server Project with International Organisation - this has given me ALOT of grief since mid-2019, and I am expecting another 6 more months (or more?) of work to be done for this project. KNN sibei long-drawn, and not my core work scope, and not value-adding to my work portfolio also.
2. Mandatory technical testing for partners - someone else's project from 3 years ago but my side is bearing the brunt of it. Leading to contractual issues and negotiations and many headaches for my overseas partners. 
3. Many other compliance, enforcement and policy matters - supposed to be done by The Coll. Laoniang quite TL over this. Just because she didn't want to do, she siam-ed many years, she sat on things for so long, but then now they end up on my lap?! Where's the justice? Each of these issues takes time and effort to work through. Even small policy issues need some time and effort for me to run through, think through and then propose a solution or way forward. Some entail research to be done. 

But nevermind...

Laoniang will bite the bullet and 继续走继续坚持...

I complain. I rant. I spew vulgarities. 

I accept. I take deep breaths. I stretch and meditate. 

I continue plodding. I continue taking things in my stride. I continue moving forward. 

Food for thought. 

To think through whether some of these things should be brought up during my 1-on-1 appraisal/feedback session with my boss. 

Call. From School.

2nd time I received a call from Alyssa's childcare centre this week. Every time they call me...I jump, then take a deep breath and brace myself. In case I need to drop everything and get her from school. 

More so this week cos K is away for reservist. 

Anyway, I am thankful both calls were just to inform me of her falls and tumbles. No bruises or scratches or bleeding. Just slight aches and pain at the areas that were bumped. 

May the little girl continue to be blessed, healthy and happy always....

Grammar Grammar

I wrote “….has come back to us on….”

Boss changed it to “….has came back to us on….”

Sigh.

To tell him he’s wrong? Or leave it since it’s internal minutes only.

Pick your battles…..

Think I’ll just leave it....

School bag

When you tend to be a zombie in the mornings
When your attention is divided between getting the kid to put on her shoes and trying to get a taxi on Grab
And when you're also trying to listen to what your kid is trying to tell you

When you're relaxing downstairs waiting for the cab to come
And then when the cab finally comes
And you realise to your greatest horror

That you've forgotten your kid's schoolbag
That you need to seek the taxi uncle's understanding to wait that few minutes more
That you need to unlock the gate again and sprint back home with kid in tow 

That you need to call your helper while sprinting
To get her to at least bring the bag down to the 1st floor lobby to save some time
That in the midst of this sprinting through the carpark you still need to ensure your kid is safe and not in some car's way

Oh....what a morning lol...

Kinda winded me a little and made me breathless, partly cos of the sudden rush of things and party cos of the sprints to and from the gate...

Said kid was Alyssa and she was a little bewildered by the rush too haha...

Note to self: please don't be so blur tomorrow morning.....

Of hope and decisions and control

So the thing that got me upset and sad last evening....was that my cousin Brenda has chosen to take back some control of her life and stop all medical treatments for her cancer and focus on palliative care at home instead. Granny was her god-ma too...

She's such a strong person, always so positive and cheerful in whatever situation she may be in. She's smart and articulate, writes very well, cooks very well, draws very well. She's very good with gardening and all sorts of crafts too. 

She'd been updating all her friends on FB all these while on her journey with cancer, how it was first diagnosed, her hopsital visits, her recovery, the relapse in 2018, how she was battling it, how these 2 weeks have been very challenging. For awhile, she also documented her journey when she was a writer with The Smart Local. 

And finally yesterday, she posted on FB that she'd decided to just focus on palliative care instead. 

I'm sure she had her reasons and she'd probably already discussed things with her doctor team and immediate family. 

The news broke my heart though. She'd been fighting for so long and keeping up with her upbeat and positive attitude. 

I started crying. 

But I was also handling the 2 girls and their homework at the same time. They didn't understand what happened to me. I tried my best to handle their work and managed to read a Chinese story to Alyssa first before I sent them to the dinner table and took some time out to myself. 

I called & informed my parents, then spent 10-15mins crying and then tried to compose myself, before going back out again and joining the girls for dinner. 

They asked if someone had passed on. Nadya was old enough to know such things and Alyssa just mimicked her question. I said no and explained the situation to them as best as I could. Alyssa gave me a hug and Nadya patted my hand. I don't think they understood much of what I was saying but they got an overall gist that my cousin was very sick, may pass on and I was feeling sad over it. 

===============

Brenda,
You won't see this but I wish you and Noel all the very best in these few days, weeks, months. I pray that the biggest E will continue to grow and excel in his job and contribute to the family. I pray that E2 and E3 will grow up well too. May E2 inherit your cooking and creative genes and whip up lovely dishes and do up lovely craft projects. May E3 do well in his studies. May Noel stay strong. And lastly, I know when you are weary, you will go Home into His arms. That is your wish. I want you to know you have touched the hearts of many of us with your positivity and strong spirit. 

Oh...$^%$@&**(#@

It was an emotional day for me yesterday. I'd already started out abit emo during the day but the day still went well overall. And then evening came and ....

1. I found out a piece of sad and upsetting news. I bawled my eyes out. More in another post. 

2. I discovered a pot of aloe on my balcony was toppled over. It might have lain there for a day or two already given that the strongest winds blew on Monday or Tuesday. 

3. While trying to save that pot, the clumsy me overturned another pot of byrophyllum. Nabeh, so then I had 2 pots of plants to save and to clear up all the soil from the ground. 

4. After settling the pots (the girls were so sweet and helped me out) and showering, I put on my favourite pair of pants I wear for sleeping, tugged on the drawstring to tighten it and then...TMD....*SNAP* the drawstring broke....Put on another pair of pants. Glad that I still managed to salvage the pants by using a spare black shoestring I had and using that instead....

Suaku

I just topped up my EZ link card via the EZ link app. Suaku. a year ago when I was still taking the bus home, I'd still be topping up my card via those machines at the MRT station. 

I only just discovered today that I could actually top-up via the app. Yeah while it may be a little risky cos my card details is in the app now....but still.....oh the convenience!

Wonder what other stuff this frog in the well hasn't discovered yet....:)

I should add Nadya's card to my app so that I can top-up her card this evening...

Happiness

Started crying when I heard Ryan from NOC mention this in a video:

"There was a period of time when I felt guilty to be happy. Like I shouldn't be too happy and I can't be too happy. Because who knows, sadness is just creeping up in the corner. Someone out there will "punish" you for being happy. This happiness and success will not last long and you better be prepared for the bad things that are about to come. 

It was a toxic mentality and it took me a long time to get out of those thoughts. 

A friend reminded me that you should live in the moment and appreciate what you have achieved. Celebrate the small wins. Stop worrying too much about the future or about what might come. Life is a series of ups and downs. That's how life works. Any ups are not meant to last forever anyway so own it and enjoy it when it comes. Just don't keep focusing on the what-ifs and the downs that may come. Because there will still be other ups that will come after those downs.

We deserve to celebrate when a milestone is met or an achievement is reached. And we need to stop constantly looking for the next thing to do or the next achievement to reach because it will never end. And it'll all just get too taxing eventually."

Maybe I cried because it was very authentic. And it resonated with me because sometimes, I have these thoughts too. 

Still learning and trying and reminding myself each day to be thankful and appreciate what I have right now, not to worry too much about what may come and to celebrate victories, however small they might be. Go for it, make things happen. 

Of reminders and food for thought

如果你能够把你不是很擅长的做好
以后再做你擅长的东西的话
那你就是如虎添翼

感恩当下

我们生活的日常
就是要面对突如其来的无常

老了

K is having reservist these 2 weeks. While he can still send Nadya to school on most days, I need to send Alyssa to school and pick both girls up from separate places in the evening: one from childcare and one from student care. 

Then when we get home I need to settle their shower, work and dinner....

Yesterday, while helping the girls with their work, I was bending over most of the time...bending over their desks, which aren't exactly very high. When they were done and I was clearing up one of the desks...I bent over and then....

OW...

TMD.....

Right lower back started hurting...couldn't even sit properly...

It got better later on and I could sit with less difficulty but.....back's still aching after a night's rest. Can't do stretching much for now cos it aches when I stretch too much...

Sigh....

XOXO

Stared at the 2 girls last night while they were sleeping. And suddenly got overwhelmed by the love I felt for them. Started kissing their faces and stroking their hair. 

May you grow up well Nadya & Alyssa. Be strong and courageous and independent. Dream big and soar as high as you want to. Mama & Dada will support the both of you always. 

XOXO

大炮

Sometimes I get comments from colleagues like "It's Michelle leh! (of course the work is good)" or "Don't worry, we have our guru Michelle here with us."

I don't profess to know alot. I am still learning things and finding out little nuggets of info here and there, even after 13 years with the company. Neither am I exceptional, compared to some others out there and I am vastly pale in comparison to the scholars. 

So sometimes it does make me a little uncomfortable when I receive such comments. I may feel "shiok" when I first hear them but actually, I don't want this to create unnecessary false impressions and high expectations of me from others, especially people whom I've just met. 

I don't want to disappoint or fall short you know. Like..."I thought Michelle was a 9/10 but actually after working with her, I realised she's only a 7.5". 

When the plate is overflowing

Breathe Michelle. One thing at a time. 

One thing at a time. 

One thing at a time. 

One thing at a time. 

One thing at a time. 

4Fingers

I'm suaku. I know Korean Fried Chicken (KFC? haha...) has been around for quite awhile but I've never really tried it. 

Was at Ally's place on Boxing Day but I only had maybe 2 small pieces of the chicken that I ordered from ChickenUp. It was not too bad so I thought I'd order some today to try again. Ended up with 4Fingers as it showed up on my Deliveroo app that was near us. 

I ordered the fried chicken bites with soy sauce. 

I didn't enjoy it. Too heavily seasoned for me. Too salty, too sweet, too fried....I think I was fine with 2-3 bite-sized pieces or maybe 4 pieces if I stretch it a little. I was struggling beyond that...taste was cloying and over-the-top....Even MacDonald's (for all its junk/preserved/processed food titles...) feels cleaner & lighter to me haha. 

If all such Korean fried chicken have sauces like this...then I think it's not my cup of tea...
I prefer simpler chicken lol...grilled, roasted, BBQ-ed, lightly fried, not too much batter or sauce...simpler and more bland works pretty good for me lol....

I must be one of the rare folks around who doesn't like Korean Fried Chicken...

Of neighbours and friends and ...itching

Stephanie & Jeremy moved out 1.5mths ago. Serene & Chin are shifting out next Monday. Suddenly our 2 closest neighbours are gone. One rental tenant's coming in I think and Serene's unit was sold to a lady from China with a young kid and a husband from not sure where. 

I hope they're nice and that we can get along well with them like how we got along pretty well with Stephanie & Serene's families. 

===============
Been itching since 3 Jan. Not sure what triggered it. Dust? Hamsters? Food I ate?

Eyes itch from time to time and they feel better after eye drops. Face is itchy, especially the cheeks, and skin feels tight sometimes. Nose is flaky. Sometimes my forehead near the eyebrows are also dry.  Nostrils are itchy and sometimes I rub my nose so much it feels raw and the skin turns red. Sometimes my nose feels stuffed up and difficult to breathe. 

There are strange times when even the soles of my feet itch. 

Been holding off on popping any Zyrtec. Maybe I should pop one soon? To get rid of any allergy I might be having?

===============
Renovation at Serene's unit will probably start in the next 2 weeks. Heard that it'll be a major reno as the new owner mentioned to Serene that they want to do a major overhaul and remove all existing fixtures and fittings in the unit. 

:( I hope they don't hack away the marble and parquet flooring. I hope it doesn't get too dusty also. 

My nose, eyes and skin cannot handle anymore dust...*wails* 

Wishes

2021. For the year ahead, I hope to:

• Continue learning how to manage myself even more, and maybe discover new facets of myself
• Find the strength, courage and determination to keep up with walking and build it up to something more slowly
• Learn and grow more in terms of work, and how to manage people better
• Keep up with hobbies
• Keep up with relationships, be it family or close friends
• Continue with the decluttering here and there
• Stay grounded, positive and hopeful!

2 weeks' leave + decluttering

22 Dec 2020 to 5 Jan 2021. 

Still had to contend with clearing some work. Sometimes even clearing email drafts via Whatsapp or Teams on my phone. Ran various errands. Did some frantic Xmas shopping and wrapping of gifts. And packed parts of the house. 

Didn't get to rest or nuah as much as I hoped to. But oh well...just gotta suck it up. 

Spent some time to declutter my online stuff as well. 

• Unfriended some folks on Facebook
• Deleted some very old messages on Facebook Messenger
• Deleted some very old Whatsapp messages, group chats, etc
• Deleted some very old contacts in my phone as well
• Organised my emails abit more

K threw out half of the stuff in the storeroom. I was pleased haha. It was the first time anybody cleared it out. Stuff accumulated over 6.5 years. Gosh.

I cleared out bags of the girls' stuff as well - old books, old and broken toys, tons of random drawings and doodles, many old art pieces from school, old clothes, old this, old that....Threw out my own stuff as well and organised my letters and papers. Think I threw out at least 6-7 black rubbish bags worth of stuff. It felt good as well. 

Thing is, clear liao but...there still seems to be so many things in the house!!! Lol...

And I still have 6-7 boxes of stuff that I was forced to bring back home from my parents' place which they've since sold. Need to spend some time sorting through and repacking them into new plastic boxes we recently got from IKEA. 

Bienvenue 2021

2020 went by in a jiffy. It was a blur to me. Days and weeks and months melded together. 

While there were losses, there were gains as well and more importantly, I think the gains outweighed the losses.

I started working from home in March and my last day in the office was 21 March 2020. Circuit Breaker started in the first week of April and it was madness for that 1-2 months. Home-based learning took alot out of me. Juggling Nadya's online and offline schoolwork, with Alyssa's offline worksheets, and my own work brought me numerous challenges. I was a frantic octopus, kancheong spider and impatient bull all rolled into one. I suddenly had to deal with meal planning on a daily basis too, not just the weekends. And not just one meal a day but at least 2 out of 3 main meals.

April and May were challenging alright. I lost count of the number of times I made Nadya cry early in the morning when I was trying to supervise and guide her in her work. Math was especially challenging and my BP must have been higher in those 2 months too.

It was a big relief when June came and schools were allowed to reopen. No more videos for kindy lessons and no more primary school online lessons. No more lost tempers lol.

Other challenges included things like not having a proper work desk and chair, not having access to aircon the entire day, having discussions via concalls and video-calls, handling new bosses, etc. There was a period of time I was working on my bed everyday. Till I had various aches. I ended up with a very small desk and a swivel armchair that I managed to squeeze into a corner of my bedroom. The rest of the issues...well, you just live with things and get used to to them.

And...the good stuff that happened in the year that I am thankful for.

1. The girls learned how to cycle in the May/June period. They had their existing bikes and balance bikes. With nowhere else to go, they were on their bikes in the carpark most evenings. K eventually ordered kiddy bikes from Decathlon and the girls very quickly learned how to ride them.
2. I didn't have to contend with my anxieties of taking public transport to and from office. And I saved a ton of time with commuting out of the picture. Easily 2hrs plus of my time each day was freed up. And not having to go into office meant I didn't have to dress up or put on make-up or make sure my hair was nice enough. :) That saved time and effort too. 
3. I had to experiment and come up with some new stuff for meal plans. One of the best things I experimented with was rice balls haha. Delicious. Alyssa loves them and K does too...:)
4. I went off my anti-acid medication, having taken the last Omeprazole pill on 23 Mar 2020. Most of my meals are now home-cooked ones. My stomach feels better and I can take more things compared to the middle of last year. 
5. I got more time and flexibility and went for more (and longer) walks. I hope to continue this though and build up on it. 
6. K got to experiment with his baking stuff. We went ballistic and made tons of banana cakes over a week. One or two a day...lol...and gave them out to relatives and friends. 
7. We tweaked our daily schedules and now K fetches the girls back home from school everyday, instead of us heading to my inlaws' place for dinner. Now we settle everything at home ourselves. 
8. I took on a new challenge at work, expanded my portfolio by a considerable amount, inherited 3 new staff, hired another new staff for my team, and am learning and growing in terms of work. Blessed and thankful to have 2 good members on my team who are steady enough. The other 2 junior staff are a handful sometimes and miss the mark but...I'll see how it goes. Thankful too for the big lady boss who thought of me for the expanded role, the big boss who supported the idea, and my immediate boss who also supported the idea and has given me alot of support and encouragement. 

There are definitely some other good stuff that I am thankful for but I'll stop at these main ones...

May 2021 bring an abundance of good stuff to the girls, K and I. And may we stay blessed, happy and healthy always. Onwards and upwards!! Huat ah!

Boxing Day

And suddenly....whoosh! Xmas Eve and Xmas Day 1 is over. 

I think I've not been eating enough carbs these few days + neckaches + some measure of anxiety and frustration have led to me feeling a little fatigued and exhausted on some days. Especially on Xmas eve and even on Xmas morning itself. 

Some frustration because...I took 2 weeks' leave to have time to unwind and have some time to myself and settle the things I want to settle (packing the house, nuah-ing, etc)...but I ended up still having to handle some pieces of work, and there are also some team lunch obligations I have to deal with. I'm anti-social these days...I don't want to keep meeting office folks, especially NOT WHEN I AM ON LEAVE. But some obligations...I cannot quite refuse...sigh. I don't deal very well these days with too many social stuff. Drains me of my energy. 

A little grouchy, a little touchy, a little sensitive, and a little itchy. 

Itchy cos...I've been doing packing and throwing things away. And stirring up dustballs. My eyes are a little itchy, my nose is a little irritated and my face is itchy too. I wear a mask at home now when I'm packing lol.  

Just want some quiet time tonight...to either watch videos, listen to chill music, or colour or read...

And oh ya, reminder to myself to take more carbs like rice and noodles...I need the starch...it's like my battery fluid. 

And oh oh ya, K packed the storeroom yesterday and emptied half of it...We threw away tons of stuff. I'm happy. :) 6.5 years of accumulated junk. Reduced to half...yay. My own Marie Kondo...

To the Lady Who Was Crossing the Road While Using Her Phone

Please be careful. 

Please keep your eyes off your phone when you are crossing the road. 

If you want to kill yourself on the road, by all means, we will respect your decision. 

But please don't bring harm to innocent drivers. 

Don't suddenly appear from behind a parked tall van and continue crossing the road, head down and concentrating on the phone, like you own the road and the whole world will stop for you. 

Please be careful. 

You are someone's sister, daughter, mother, wife, friend and loved one too...