Chloe

I happened to text Chloe on Monday to wish her Happy CNY and that I hoped she and baby A were doing well. 

And then voila, I found out that they were leaving for the States today. Guess the hairs on the back of my neck have some special sensors or what. It was a bittersweet piece of news for me. Part glad they were making headways in their plans, and part sad to see her leave Singapore.  

Glad to have had some short exchanges with her over Whatsapp on Monday and today. She was one of those whom I had no qualms sharing anything and everything with back when I was in my mid-20s. We shared some pretty wild secrets and MSN conversations during those days as well. She knew all, if not most, sides of me back then. And I'd always admired that good, strong mind of hers. She wrote pretty well too. Awesome vibes and flowy passages. Miss reading her thoughts on her blog. 

Life as it is with work and kids and her stint abroad and general busy-ness didn't allow much catch-up sessions in the years since then but I was happy to be at her wedding in end November 2018. 

I wish her and Atom the very best in the States and of course baby Alisha too! 

The pandemic situation's pretty rough in the US now and I hope all of them stay safe and healthy...if there's a chance he gets a job back in Singapore again, they may move back here...so...let's see. 

Like I told her this morning: "You always bloom everywhere and anywhere you go." 

May they settle down well there and may baby A grow up well!

Dream

I had a dream last night. It had the same recurring theme of me being lost. 

But it was in a different setting this time round. It wasn't set in a school or compound or office building. 

I was with a colleague and we were trying to get a cab to go home. We thought of cab-pooling and having the driver drop us off at 2 locations. Thing was, we were waiting at a bus-stop for a cab, I don't know why. And we were at a HDB estate as well, though the surroundings were very unfamiliar to me. The road was very busy and it was quite difficult to get a cab. I was increasingly desperate but a cab finally came. I can't remember its colour. I remember it was driven by an auntie though. She ended up going round and round, just not to our homes. She somehow couldn't find her way. 

I checked the phone on my map and kept trying to tell her where to go, but to no avail. We were scared shitless and she finally decided to drop us at a cab stand in the CBD area. She didn't take any fare from us. Said she was righteous and since she didn't bring us to where we wanted, she wouldn't collect any fare from us. It was late evening and there was a crowd at the cab-stand. Officer workers trying to get home after having dinner and drinks. For some reason, I lost contact with my colleague. I knew she was somewhere near but she just wasn't next to me anymore and I couldn't see her at all. I felt lost and scared. 

And the dream ended....abruptly...no conclusion, nothing. 

This theme of being lost in my dreams...has been consistent since many years ago...I may not dream for awhile or have other types of dreams...but once in a while this dream of being lost will pop up, sometimes more frequently, sometimes once in a blue blue moon. 

..........

Sometimes I don't need advice.

Sometimes, and in fact, most of the time, I just need a little support and a little encouragement. 

A listening ear.

Just being present and around. 

Words of comfort.

Words of encouragement. 

Words of affirmation. 

A calm presence.

Ganbatte

For some people, it makes them feel alive when they exercise and feel their heart rate increase, or when they feel their muscle ache after their exercise. Or when they feel breathless and pant. 

I don't. It makes me feel slightly accomplished for a few seconds, and then it makes me uneasy, uncomfortable and nervous. It makes me have thoughts and ask questions like: why is my heart beating so fast? Am I ok? Is this heart rate acceptable for someone of my age and (non)ability? What if I collapse now? Will anyone rescue me? I don't have any ID on me, will they know who I am? Will I be ok? Why do my calves hurt? I hope my legs are ok. I hope I am ok. ......

And that. Is the anxiety at work (and at play). 

It is something I work at overcoming alot of the time these 2 years. There are better times and there are worse times. And there are days I surrender to sleep at 930pm because I want to rest my physically tired body, and my mentally and emotionally tired mind. Sometimes, I think it's a form of "escape". And that is why I feel annoyed and exasperated when my sleep gets interrupted. Sleep is an essential recharge to me. 

That said, I am still thankful that I do still feel happy and alive when I ......

• feel the wind in my face
• feel the sun on my skin
• hear the girls' excited chatter and pitter-pattering of feet
• eat nice food
• watch the sky at dusk
• laugh out loud uninhibitedly
• act silly uninhibitedly
• have meals with my family and/or K's parents
• laugh out loud when I watch K-variety shows
• catch up with close friends
• have a small date with K...
• ......, etc

Onwards and upwards. 

Keep walking. Keep moving. 

Keep trying. Keep going. 

You can do this. 

I can do this!

It. Has. Started.

Reno. 

Unit directly opposite us. 

Drilling started this morning at 930/945am. 

According to the notice put up at the lift landing, reno is supposed to be till 1 June. Though my new neighbour dropped us a card (with some chocs) saying they'll be shifting in sometime end May. That is still at least a 3mth long renovation. 

*wails*

noisy & dusty...

hope my skin sensitivities don't flare up....*fingers crossed* 

Reiki

There is a particular piece of Meditation music that I usually listen to when working. 

Recently stumbled on a piece that is purely on Reiki music and Zen meditation. Wah sibei like!! 

Reiki music is my new go-to music now to for when I need calmness and focus...:) 

Reading up more too on what Reiki actually is and how it harnesses the body's and Earth's natural energy to boost and improve one's physical, emotional and mental well-being.

That. Chapter.

that long awkward period

where you are no longer a spring chicken

but can't quite count as an old hen either

that strange season

when you discover that your hair can turn white as well

and that wrinkles and crinkles start appearing in your dictionary

that phase

when you start feeling awkward and exposed in spaghetti, tube and halter tops (which were past staples)

and instead prefer to be in loose T-shirts and even looser dresses

that period of time

when you realise your skin no longer "boings"

and that cellulite, sebum, varicose and gravity have started to leave their (unsightly) marks

that hugeass BLT sandwich of a time

when you are worried for both your young ones and your older ones

and are also worried for your own health, be it mental and physical or emotional 

that passage of time

when you can no longer hide under the guise of "youth" and "inexperience" at work

and instead are now responsible for others reporting to you

that stage

when you've grown up somewhat

but don't really wish to 

that. chapter.

Moody

Mood's not that great on CNY Day 5.

(1) New dress ruined. I kept it for 3 or 4 years at least cos I couldn't wear it last time when I put on weight. Wore it once on CNY Day 3 and just got told this morning it's got patches of stains on it that cannot seem to be washed off. Nabeh.

Hepler claimed she handwashed. And somehow the other dress that she handwashed was fine but this particular dress had stains on it that came from "dunno where". It was perfectly fine when I took it off on Sunday night. How the hell did the stains suddenly pop up??

(2) Bits and pieces of things here and there. All outstanding. Looking after and watching own team members and their work. Now looking after another 2 guys. One of whom is testing my patience. Level of work is not there. Just 4 years younger than I am. I hope he bucks up....

(3) Getting chased by a law enforcement agency for some pieces of work.  >:(

Mortality....and CNY...

MIL, K & myself did our LPAs 2 months ago in December. MIL did up her care plan and wishes too in January. Such issues and myriad thoughts abut mortality were floating around in my head a little since then. 

Didn't help that 2 weeks ago, I lost a cousin and 5 days ago, K lost an uncle. Losing my cousin brought back sad memories of when my Granny passed. This cousin of mine was actually my Granny's god-daughter as well. 2 days ago, I found out another cousin's wife (on my Dad's side of the family) found out she has breast cancer and just started chemotherapy, their son seems to have some medical issues as well (young kid of maybe 20 or so?), and my cousin himself is having cataracts and some spine/neck issues. And another much older cousin on my mum's side of the family is having issues with his young daughter (19 yrs old) who seems to have left home to live a life she wants (including switching courses in poly and focusing on her online luxury accessories business).

It's been a unique CNY this year. Heavy on the serious stuff. Making me think alot more than usual. 

Yet, I've to say it's been nice on the light-hearted stuff as well. Met up with the Chias & Sam for a quick lunch before CNY, met up for dinner with the Hans as well. Met up with PC & Ally last night at PQ's new place and gorged ourselves silly. The kids had fun playing games as well. Things were not as rushed this year with lesser houses to visit but it still felt fulfilling. 

We were inundated with cookies and other goodies this year. Past 2-3 years we only had 1 or 2 jars of cookies, max. This year, we had 3 jars of pineapple tarts, 1 jar of florentines, 1 jar of macademia cookies, a box of taro pastries, a box of egg tarts, some egg rolls, etc...Lol...

Words

A couple of days ago, there was a tragic road accident involving a BMW which crashed into a shophouse along Tanjong Pagar Road. All 5 in the car (including the driver) perished. All were guys aged between 26 - 29. Still young, they had many years ahead of them and I'm sure they had their aspirations and dreams as well. 

The accident happened in the early days of CNY and in the sleepy non-eventful days where Covid-19 seems to be the only news around...the accident shocked the nation and sparked many articles. And with articles of course came many online comments. 

There were sympathies, condolences, words expressing shock and sadness at such a horrific incident. And then there were the trolls and naysayers. Others with words of admonishment and anger. Some words were harsh, too harsh to be posted online in a public space. 

I cannot fathom how people, men and women alike, young and old alike, could muster up such cruel, evil and unfeeling words to admonish the deceased. The guys have already lost their lives, there's no need to say such unkind stuff. It disappointed and shocked me somewhat. That such vile words can come out of people. 

Like for the younger ones, do they speak this way or express their feelings this way to their parents?? Do they use such harsh language? Just because their words were expressed in an online space doesn't mean their words can be fully unadulterated. Hiding behind the veil of "freedom of speech" is nonsense as well. Freedom of speech does not mean you can be disrespectful and vile. You can still express your views in a civil, respectful and diplomatic manner. 

Gosh, I hope my kids grow up understanding this. It it not ok to be unkind under the guise of "freedom of speech". 

Conversations with a 5-yr-old

Early morning, before even brushing teeth. 

A: I need to poo. 

Me: Orh, go poo lor. 

A: *grunt* 

(then strange silence for a few minutes....)

Me: Alyssa, are you done?! 

A: No...there's still more...I am waiting for them to get changed, have breakfast and then get on their horses to gallop out....

Me: ...................

LOL.....luckily I don't have to rush to work or bathe or anything....

Working with others

I move fast when there is a need to, timelines to meet and bosses to manage. Am handling a small but important project right now, overseeing it with 2 other guys who are not my direct reports but were pulled from other teams. One of them seems ok. The other one is not so ok. 

If the 2 guys get lost and cannot keep up, even after an hour-long briefing session and 2 detailed emails with instructions, action items & milestones/timelines, I expect them to self-help and buck up. They can check with me on areas they are unclear of, I am open and approachable. 

But ask me things that you should already know, you may get a black mark from me. If I need to step in and move things along for you because you were blur, then you confirm kena orh-gong in my books. 

Sent out milestones and instructions yesterday, today you're asking me when I need the item by? What rubbish. Read your emails pls. Digest the info pls. Work things out on your own first. I cannot be mothering you. 

Patience. Breathe. Michelle, you can do this!

lines...

The horror when you brush your teeth and glance at the mirror and suddenly realise you have 2 horizontal lines on your forehead...you rub at them and they don't go away.....on closer inspection, they seem deep....and they seem like those forehead lines you see on older (much older) folks....

I'm ok with laugh lines and even eye wrinkles...but forehead...dun wan lah..............

Oh the horror. :( 

Will they fill up and fill out if I put on some weight? hmm...

Too soon...

Brenda passed on last night around 8 or 9plus. She was only 48.

I am saddened but a part of me also feels relieved for her for she has suffered physical pain and debilitating discomfort since a few months back. Her last weeks were even more intense. 

I looked up to her quite abit. Probably because she was many things that I was not. 

I always wondered why and how she had this insane buzz about her, a constant energy ball full of passion and zest for life and people and things she loves. An unstoppable indomitable spirit, really. Her cheerfulness, positivity, niceness, authenticity, genuineness and sincerity touched the lives of many many people. Oh and that infectious laughter and gorgeous smile of hers probably touched the hearts of all who have met her as well. 

Her FB page (and her husband's) last night was flooded with hundreds of tributes and messages of support from many people from all walks of life and from various countries. Tributes are still coming in. Even students she taught some 20 years ago have left their messages. Just goes to show how great a person she was, even from when she was much younger. All their testimonies and tributes say the same thing. They touch on her megawatt smiles and infectious laughter, her bubbliness, her faith, her optimism and strength, her creativity and talents. 

I remember all the way till I was in my late 20s or early 30s, I would be the one staying at home during CNY at my parents' place. It was because I was the assigned person to be at home with my Granny, to help with entertaining guests when they came over to visit my Granny. Every time Brenda swung by, the house would be filled with her laughter and giggles and happy jokes and sharing of life in general. A great storyteller she was, for she even made mundane bits sound rather interesting. ;)

She was a great cook. Sticking to traditions but also very willing to explore new ways and styles of cooking.  She had plenty of cooking "toys" and gadgets. Her 3 kids were fed very well. 

She was very creative. I wondered how she found the space to keep her crafts, especially her crocheting paraphernalia. Her creativity didn't stop at cooking and craftwork. She created fashion accessories. Tons of hairclips for her daughter when she was younger. Many badges and brooches. And scarves and beanies and berets and hats. Little bags and pouches. Even socks and mittens when they travelled to cold countries. And, she found work as a visual scriber. 

Oh, and she was lover of K-stuff haha. K-dramas and food. 

She was very smart. Not book smart for I know she was not interested in her studies when she was younger. Her grandma used to lament to my grandma. They were very close sisters :) But she was smart in the ways of the world. People who have worked with her in church, in her scribing & facilitating work, etc would probably all attest to this. 

She was eloquent and good with her words as well. Expressive but still respectful. She shared her opinions on various issues, even politics, on public platforms, but did it in a respectful way. Agree to disagree. 

She was staunch and steadfast in her religion, and as a servant of God she taught the ways of the Lord at church ministries when she was younger. She still did when she was older, just that perhaps parenting also took up more of her time and she couldn't do as much as she would have liked. She was grounded too. And very committed to her family and kids. I often wondered how she could pack in so many things in the 24 hours of a day. 

Brenda was a truly amazing lady. 

Rest in peace Brenda. 

I hope you've met up with Uncle Benny, Uncle Bobby, Ipoh, Mama, Baba Ku, and Granduncle John (Tuanku) already. You're the youngest of the lot up there. I think they'll look forward to whatever Peranakan dishes and desserts you can whip up for them. ;p 

The gut, the stomach, the digestive tract.....and everything else in between

半热半冷，是要病了吗？

昨晚泻肚子，隔了一晚肚子还是有点怪。。身体累累的。。。

希望再过一会儿会好些。。

Stomach felt a little off in the morning yesterday but it was still ok, so I think I subconsciously ate more (greedy)....... and I may have unwittingly overworked it thereafter. 

I had lunch outside (just simple fish noodles), pork floss bun in the afternoon, dinner....and then pineapple tarts (where I usually take only 1/4 of whatever jam is on the tart)...

When 845pm came...I felt those familiar but forgotten feelings...those stirrings and pain pangs that come and go in the tummy.....where you know and you tell yourself...."ok xiao liao...it's coming"....

And so...stomach spoil time again...

Dealing with functional dyspepsia is a pain in the ass. I eat clean most of the time...and get to cheat every once in a while with fast foods, and other junk foods...sometimes when I least expect it, it hits....but sometimes I know myself that I got too greedy and loaded up on too much junk...自找 sometimes....

Anyway, just have to accept this "condition" and manage it bit by bit....

Compared to 2019, I think I'm doing much better already....

Niam Niam Time

Need a simple rant early in the morning. I know it's Friday but...

I guess the one who stays the longest in an organisation ends up bearing the brunt of the missteps, irresponsibilities, nonchalance (or intended avoidance), bad planning of past staff who have since left or taken on other roles in the organisation. 

Let's see. The painful and cumbersome things on my plate which were a result of others' doings:

1. Cluster Server Project with International Organisation - this has given me ALOT of grief since mid-2019, and I am expecting another 6 more months (or more?) of work to be done for this project. KNN sibei long-drawn, and not my core work scope, and not value-adding to my work portfolio also.
2. Mandatory technical testing for partners - someone else's project from 3 years ago but my side is bearing the brunt of it. Leading to contractual issues and negotiations and many headaches for my overseas partners. 
3. Many other compliance, enforcement and policy matters - supposed to be done by The Coll. Laoniang quite TL over this. Just because she didn't want to do, she siam-ed many years, she sat on things for so long, but then now they end up on my lap?! Where's the justice? Each of these issues takes time and effort to work through. Even small policy issues need some time and effort for me to run through, think through and then propose a solution or way forward. Some entail research to be done. 

But nevermind...

Laoniang will bite the bullet and 继续走继续坚持...

I complain. I rant. I spew vulgarities. 

I accept. I take deep breaths. I stretch and meditate. 

I continue plodding. I continue taking things in my stride. I continue moving forward. 

Food for thought. 

To think through whether some of these things should be brought up during my 1-on-1 appraisal/feedback session with my boss. 

Call. From School.

2nd time I received a call from Alyssa's childcare centre this week. Every time they call me...I jump, then take a deep breath and brace myself. In case I need to drop everything and get her from school. 

More so this week cos K is away for reservist. 

Anyway, I am thankful both calls were just to inform me of her falls and tumbles. No bruises or scratches or bleeding. Just slight aches and pain at the areas that were bumped. 

May the little girl continue to be blessed, healthy and happy always....

Grammar Grammar

I wrote “….has come back to us on….”

Boss changed it to “….has came back to us on….”

Sigh.

To tell him he’s wrong? Or leave it since it’s internal minutes only.

Pick your battles…..

Think I’ll just leave it....

School bag

When you tend to be a zombie in the mornings
When your attention is divided between getting the kid to put on her shoes and trying to get a taxi on Grab
And when you're also trying to listen to what your kid is trying to tell you

When you're relaxing downstairs waiting for the cab to come
And then when the cab finally comes
And you realise to your greatest horror

That you've forgotten your kid's schoolbag
That you need to seek the taxi uncle's understanding to wait that few minutes more
That you need to unlock the gate again and sprint back home with kid in tow 

That you need to call your helper while sprinting
To get her to at least bring the bag down to the 1st floor lobby to save some time
That in the midst of this sprinting through the carpark you still need to ensure your kid is safe and not in some car's way

Oh....what a morning lol...

Kinda winded me a little and made me breathless, partly cos of the sudden rush of things and party cos of the sprints to and from the gate...

Said kid was Alyssa and she was a little bewildered by the rush too haha...

Note to self: please don't be so blur tomorrow morning.....

Of hope and decisions and control

So the thing that got me upset and sad last evening....was that my cousin Brenda has chosen to take back some control of her life and stop all medical treatments for her cancer and focus on palliative care at home instead. Granny was her god-ma too...

She's such a strong person, always so positive and cheerful in whatever situation she may be in. She's smart and articulate, writes very well, cooks very well, draws very well. She's very good with gardening and all sorts of crafts too. 

She'd been updating all her friends on FB all these while on her journey with cancer, how it was first diagnosed, her hopsital visits, her recovery, the relapse in 2018, how she was battling it, how these 2 weeks have been very challenging. For awhile, she also documented her journey when she was a writer with The Smart Local. 

And finally yesterday, she posted on FB that she'd decided to just focus on palliative care instead. 

I'm sure she had her reasons and she'd probably already discussed things with her doctor team and immediate family. 

The news broke my heart though. She'd been fighting for so long and keeping up with her upbeat and positive attitude. 

I started crying. 

But I was also handling the 2 girls and their homework at the same time. They didn't understand what happened to me. I tried my best to handle their work and managed to read a Chinese story to Alyssa first before I sent them to the dinner table and took some time out to myself. 

I called & informed my parents, then spent 10-15mins crying and then tried to compose myself, before going back out again and joining the girls for dinner. 

They asked if someone had passed on. Nadya was old enough to know such things and Alyssa just mimicked her question. I said no and explained the situation to them as best as I could. Alyssa gave me a hug and Nadya patted my hand. I don't think they understood much of what I was saying but they got an overall gist that my cousin was very sick, may pass on and I was feeling sad over it. 

===============

Brenda,
You won't see this but I wish you and Noel all the very best in these few days, weeks, months. I pray that the biggest E will continue to grow and excel in his job and contribute to the family. I pray that E2 and E3 will grow up well too. May E2 inherit your cooking and creative genes and whip up lovely dishes and do up lovely craft projects. May E3 do well in his studies. May Noel stay strong. And lastly, I know when you are weary, you will go Home into His arms. That is your wish. I want you to know you have touched the hearts of many of us with your positivity and strong spirit.