要来了

coming soon or probably already here...

my acid reflux and gastric issue...

signs to know it's here....sensitive throat, on and off coughing when throats gets irritated, tight throat sometimes that makes swallowing more challenging and I need to be more careful, upper arms on and off aching, sometimes feels like there's a lump in my throat, one ulcer starting up in my mouth, tight upper gut with some cramping up last night, general lethargy (couldn't get out of bed these 2 mornings)...

ok...I've been eating more frivolously in the last 1-2 months...and I wolfed down my lunch on Sunday in less than 10mins....

It's about time my stomach acts up...I can just about guess the cycle already...

Time to self-manage and control my meals more again...

Only thing is...I've ordered in advance Mac for lunch today lol...Ok it's gonna be my last indulgent meal....before a week or 2 of more light eating...

肌肉山山

Took me awhile but I recently found this Korean-Chinese Youtuber, who's been around for at least 4 years I think. 

Content's a little duh at times but overall good and happy vibes. Sincere and didn't look too forced, at least for some of the videos I've watched. 

Unique mix of both Chinese & Korean speech and culture. I found that interesting. 

Yes I can!

Saw this on IG:

1. I can overcome this by creating a safe space for myself.
2. I am worthy, valuable, and more than enough.
3. I deserve happiness, and I can achieve it. 
4. I become more resilient everyday that I push through.
5. I forgive myself for past mistakes and choices that didn't work out. 
6. I become better everyday as long as I get up and give my all. 
7. I don't compare myself to anyone else because I was meant to be different. 
8. I know that each day is a new start and a new chance for happiness. 

Reminder to self. 

Especially on 4, 5, 6, 8.

throaty

Had half a yew chak kueh late yesterday morning. And a packet of cold ribena during lunch.

And had a slight scratchy throat by the time afternoon came...

zzzz....throat's pretty sensitive these days...

We are spies!!

***Cue James Bond music***

Been awhile since I had a weird-ass drama dream haha.
It had funkiness, familiarity, nostalgia, jealousy, heart flutterings, disdain, and a whole load of other emotions all meshed together. 

And so......

***Cue some more James Bond music***

K and I were spies. Specifically, spies in a secondary school. As secondary school students. At our current age. (I know right...*roll eyes*) 

But I don't know what we were supposed to be spying about, who we were spying for, and who we were spying on! Lol...this premise wasn't "stated" in the dream haha...

Anyway, there was a girl student older than the usual age of Sec 3 or Sec 4 students cos she was a transfer student from overseas. She had quite a blatant crush on K as she found him alot more mature compared to the other Sec 3 & 4 guys. (I mean of cos lah, he's a 40-yr-old acting as a 16-yr-old). She followed him around and tried to have her recess meals with him. K tried to "fend off" this girl by hanging out with me instead lol.

And for me, I had a fresh graduate Math teacher who was somehow enamoured with me and tried to get close to me. He too found he could relate to me as I was alot more mature compared to other students. I don't remember how he looked like in the dream, but I think he wore glasses. I remember telling him to stay away from me and not get too close, and I almost blurted out that I was already married but bit my tongue and held back.....cos well...spy mah, cannot reveal real identity LOL. 

The dream cut to a scene where we were all hanging out at the school canteen after school. For some absolutely strange reason, the rest of my secondary school friends ended up there as well. And ALL OF US were undercover i.e. 40-yr-olds masquerading as secondary school kids. 

I saw Parwin and Peiqi sitting next to us and having their meals. We were all talking and chatting while having our meals. Ally was buying her food and bringing her tray over to sit with us. I don't remember who else was there specifically. It was a blur of faces around K and I and I had the impression Eugene and TH were floating around somewhere too. I remember thinking to myself "Wah, this spy project is growing to such a big scale that they (the spy organisation and folks behind all this) had to rope in my friends as well??!!"

I don't know which school we were in exactly. The guys were all in white shirts and long pants. Us girls looked like we were in KC uniforms (looks like Tao Nan's uniform too lol) but how could we have been in a co-ed secondary school if we were in KC? Lol....I heard someone mention Chung Cheng in the dream and also Dunman High but the uniforms look nothing like those schools. 

Anyway.......

While we were hanging out at the canteen, the girl who had a crush on K was still in the background trying to join us at the long table and sit next to him. I gave her dagger eyes, not that she cared haha. The rest of us "complained" that we all flunked our tests...(cos who the hell at age 40 remembers their secondary school syllabus? haha.....)

And then....

My alarm rang....

And the dream ended abruptly so I never knew what happened to that teacher who had a crush on me, or what we were spying on or who paid us lol.....

SO amusing and fun hahaha. :D

Staff

Dealing with 2 staff that needs alot of hand-holding zaps energy and patience out of my workday sometimes. 

Glad that I have a manager in between them and myself to weed out more nonsense stuff. But somestimes things like HR and interpersonal matters, and more complex operational issues still come to me. 

Reminder to myself to take deep breaths and not let these 2 staff affect me and my thoughts too much. 

Age, EQ and level of competence are some things I cannot control and I just have to learn how to accept things, and with various pinches of salt as well. 

I have various spurts of optimism and try to guide and teach and hope they improve. I don't know if I'm setting myself up for disappointment because the higher the hope and expectation, the more disappointment and frustration there will be. Sometimes I still try, and then I find banging against the wall, and I get pek chek, and....the cycle repeats. 

Maybe one day I will really give up. I don't know...Just cos someone's 50+ yrs old doesn't mean they can't learn and better themselves right? 

Vaxx

1st jab done on 9 June. 

Took alot of energy out of me trying to manage my fears and worries. Still taking some energy out of me but I will manage myself and I will get over it. Because I can. 

Yes I can. 

Jason Mraz

Jason Mraz accompanies me for work today. Specifically his Live showcase @ EBS in 2014 in Korea. 

I used to be enamoured with him. And managed to see him live back in 2012 when he came by to perform at Gardens by the Bay. Somehow got to listening to him again recently. 

Dad

Adrian texted me this morning at 745am. Rare for him to text me, even rarer for him to text me so early in the morning. 

He wanted to tell me he's trying to get Dad to get hearing aids. Apparently Dad's hearing is getting quite bad, especially his right ear. Told Adrian that I hope Dad won't be as stubborn as how Granny was back on those days. I remember it took my Dad & Aunt YEARS to nag at her before she relented, and also because she couldn't hear the TV anymore. 

Told Adrian to get Mum to speak to Dad as well. It's funny because Adrian shared that Mum can't talk to Dad much. Either he cannot hear her properly and misinterprets what she's saying and they both start arguing, or either one loses patience with the other and they end up arguing again. Whatever it is, they both end end up arguing lol. 

I'll see what I can do...told Adrian I'll try to do some research on my end as well...on cost, types of aids available, brands and providers around...

As we watch our kids grow bigger, we ourselves grow older day by day...and our parents get older and older too...Such issues are coming up slowly...I'll need to learn how to adapt and handle them too..."parenting" the parents is one of them... 

Jiayou Michelle

Got abit overwhelmed and light-headed earlier on. With slight chest pain.

5 people reaching out to me at the same time, including Nadya asking me stuff about her offline school work. 

Got quite frustrated with 2 of them. One's a complaint on work attitude and ethics between 2 of my subordinates i.e. HR matter. Another's a query which should not have been handled by me but by another of my subordinate. But somehow came to me.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe. 

Hot Hot Sibei Hot!!

The weather is @#$@$&%^*#$W^%$.

Sibei hot. 

I toss and turn at night cos of the heat and humidity. Back of my neck and my back gets sticky and it makes me uncomfy. Turning on the aircon makes my nose get stuffed. The fan helps a little but I still get sticky....

So....suck thumb....

Bah..!!

I hope it rains today!!

Reminder to Self

Can feel myself backsliding a little. 
Had a small episode where I freaked out at the possibility of a loud noise happening. It's been a year since something like this happened. 

Reminder to self to take things in stride, take things easier and self-manage more.
记得，要拿得起放的下，看开多一点，放开多一点。 

Trying your best is ok. Just don't try your best till you neglect yourself and your own well-being. 

K reminded me too that it's a good sign that my "freaking out" happened after a long interval of a year, compared to the previous time when the interval was maybe in terms of months. True that.

Realised HBL escalated and sped up the stress. Especially when juggling work.
Thankful that HBL's just till the end of this week. 

Breathe. 
You can do this. 
Yes, you can!

Memories

What a coincidence. Previous post is also titled "Memories".

Today's post is about the song "Memories" by Maroon 5. Lovely catch tune. Lovely vocals from Adam Levine yet again. And I love the lyrics too. 

Here's to the ones that we got
Cheers to the wish you were here, but you're not
'Cause the drinks bring back all the memories
Of everything we've been through
Toast to the ones here today
Toast to the ones that we lost on the way
'Cause the drinks bring back all the memories
And the memories bring back, memories bring back you

There's a time that I remember, when I did not know no pain
When I believed in forever, and everything would stay the same
Now my heart feel like December when somebody say your name
'Cause I can't reach out to call you, but I know I will one day, yeah

Everybody hurts sometimes
Everybody hurts someday, ayy ayy
But everything gon' be alright
Go and raise a glass and say, ayy

Here's to the ones that we got
Cheers to the wish you were here, but you're not
'Cause the drinks bring back all the memories
Of everything we've been through
Toast to the ones here today
Toast to the ones that we lost on the way
'Cause the drinks bring back all the memories
And the memories bring back, memories bring back you

Doo doo, doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo
Memories bring back, memories bring back you

There's a time that I remember when I never felt so lost
When I felt all of the hatred was too powerful to stop (ooh, yeah)
Now my heart feel like an ember and it's lighting up the dark
I'll carry these torches for ya that you know I'll never drop, yeah

Everybody hurts sometimes
Everybody hurts someday, ayy ayy
But everything gon' be alright
Go and raise a glass and say, ayy

Here's to the ones that we got (oh)
Cheers to the wish you were here, but you're not
'Cause the drinks bring back all the memories
Of everything we've been through (no, no)
Toast to the ones here today (ayy)
Toast to the ones that we lost on the way
'Cause the drinks bring back all the memories (ayy)
And the memories bring back, memories bring back you

Doo doo, doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo
Memories bring back, memories bring back you
Doo doo, doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo (ooh, yeah)
Memories bring back, memories bring back you

Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, doh, doh
Memories bring back, memories bring back you

Memories

Spent an hour plus going through and re-packing a box I brought back from the old Tampines flat. 

It was labelled "Memories" and held many things inside, mostly letters and cards I'd received since I was in P4 and 5 onwards, some autograph books, some diaries and some stuff I'd made (with my Granny's help) for my Sec 1 & Sec 2 Home Econs hand-sewing projects. I think there were 2 or 3 secondary school magazines as well, because they featured interviews with me and Ally. Lol, we were the 2 with the highest number of distinctions in our O-levels. 

Brought back many memories going through that box. I spent a long long time flipping through a diary as well. Realised I started journalling since I was in P5 or 6...some years it was quite regular and some years I'd only have 2 or 3 entries. I think uni years were busy so I didn't write at all. Plus I remember spending more time online on a forum than journalling. I didn't as well when I started working. And only picked it up again in 2004...till now. Of course, the last 17 years of journalling has been an online thing on this blog. 

I think it helps...I'll suggest this to the girls next time when they get older. It'll be fun I think, if they are keen on it. :) 

That diary I was looking at today brought back many thoughts and memories. Reading through my own detailed descriptions, I could remember how I'd felt during those times when I was 15, 16, 17, 18, 19...Strangely, most of what I'd written was on teenage angst, BGR, and crushes that sort of thing. Family issues were simple mentions...Didn't realise I had my fair share of "suitors" when I was young...ahem. Hahaha...

I also found a pile of handwritten letters written when I was in P4, P5, P6 and one from when I was in Sec 2. They were letters to God. Most likely written at a time when my Granny was still attempting to get me to pray to God every night before bed. The letters were very short ones. But at least 2 were a little morbid...where I asked God to let me be reincarnated into a rich family next time or be reincarnated as a horse or a well-loved pet dog. (Strange thoughts for a young kid). 

I wonder what I would say to the 15-year-old me...or the 18-year-old me...  

13 May little adventure

Alyssa requested to take the train and bus one day and we thought it would be a good idea too since the girls are usually chauffeured around in cars. Only when K goes on reservist once a year or when the car is out for servicing then they'd get the chance to take the bus or taxi. 

We scheduled this little trip on Hari Raya morning. Walked down our lorong and took a bus to Paya Lebar Square, had breakfast at Mac and then took the train from Paya Lebar to City Hall. From City Hall, we explored on foot in the hot hot sun and visited the Civilian War Memorial. From there we crossed an underpass to get to Esplanade Park and we saw the Padang, Tan Kim Seng Fountain and the Cenotaph. We stumbled upon a small playground there and let the girls run around abit. I caught my breath there for awhile. 

We then turned back and took an underpass that connected to Citylink mall and ended up at Tim Ho Wan for a light lunch. I think it's been a good 10yrs since I've stepped into Citylink. Ever since my workplace shifted from Suntec to Pasir Panjang, I've not really been to that area. It used to be my "playground" lol and I hung around Bugis, City Hall, and Suntec so much. I was in awe of the changes there. 

I think the girls had a good time that day....and I am thankful for that. 

==========
On a separate note, I am thankful that I did well enough that day. I would have freaked out if I were to do that trip alone. K and the girls were with me and that alone gave me much strength and comfort. 

I still had some jitters though. It was pretty manageable when taking the bus, and I was ok till we got to Paya Lebar MRT station. The sudden throngs of people milling around just outside the station and the people walking around within the station did get to me. Slight sensory overload with the noise and chatter and comings and goings.  I kept my eyes mostly on the ground and focused on the girls...In my mind was a constant reminder to "Breathe. It's ok. You can do this. Focus on the girls. Breathe. K is with you." It got better on the train and thereafter things were pretty manageable. 

It was a good "challenge" for myself that day...both in terms of taking public transport and walking around outside...

Green morning

Spent some time this morning with some of my plants

Water Jasmine/Water Plum Bonsai
Happy with how this fella's turning out. It's come a long way, having survived an attack of mealy bugs a year ago and spider mites maybe 6mths ago. Earlier this year it starting shedding leaves quite vigorously and I got quite worried when it looked quite bald and weak at some point. 

I've been feeding it with organic compost every 1.5 - 2 mths in recent months and it seems to be doing alot better. Greener leaves, many new shoots and flower buds. I hope it stays this way and stays healthy too.

Airplants
The xerographica looked quite dormant and wasn't growing much. Gave it a soak a couple of days ago. It was supposed to be just a 30mins - 1hr soak but laoniang's bird-brain forgot about it and it stayed in the tub for a couple of hours instead. I was worried it would get too water logged or something but it turned out still okay. In fact, its younger leaves seem to have an extra spring and zest to them these 2 days. Maybe the extra long soak did it well haha...:) 

The druids and ionanthas with babies are all doing well. One of the caput medusaes spiked for at least 1.5 - 2mths before it finally flowered. The spike turned a very bright shade of red before the flowers started appearing. Several blooms, which popped out one after another with a few days in between...there were 5 flowers so far....so that means the flowering took place over maybe 3 weeks or so....coupled with the spiking, the whole process took almost 2.5 to 3 months...wah....I'm anticipating a pup to pop out soon...hopefully it does "give birth" to a pup! 

The tiniest baby which ST gave me for my birthday last year has outgrown its terrarium home. Its leaves were starting to curl a little due to the limited space it was in. I've brought it out to be in the wider open space with its other siblings now...hopefully its leaves will grow into a nicer shape again. 

Ficus Ginseng Bonsai
This little one is not so little anymore. I'm proud of it! Its leaves are pretty lush now and looking green and fresh! It wasn't doing very well in its first year and was extremely bald and shrivelled at one point. But it has since flourished after I had an epiphany and started feeding it with organic compost once every 1.5 to 2mths or so. :) This is the very first bonsai I created and it holds a special place in my heart. So far....it's the only one I created and managed to survive haha...I'm not even sure if I created it correctly as a bonsai plant but oh well....noob here. ;p Just mighty happy that it's doing well enough...and looking plump and happy again. 

Aghast

Recently read that in our closest country neighbour, there's been a long "culture" of schools and even madrasahs physically checking girls to see if they are really telling the truth when they say they are on their periods and hence cannot go for prayers. Apparently it has become the the teachers' quest to "catch" girls who they think are falsely proclaiming this so that the girls can "get out of" or "siam" their daily prayers.  

Both male or female teachers undertake various forms of checking including: feeling the girls' crotch area to see if they are really wearing sanitary pads, literally asking the girls to pull down their underwear, asking the girls to dab their private area with a tissue and showing the teacher the stained tissue later, etc. 

Some young girls recently spoke out on this matter and the issue has been gaining momentum. 

I was aghast and somewhat angry when I read of this "culture". Like what shitty thing is this? A school should be a safe environment, not one where your teachers feel you up. It's criminal if a male teacher does this! And even if it was a lady teacher doing the checks, it doesn't make it any more legit. No girl should be subject to such humiliating, uncomfortable and stressful situations!! No girl should have to "prove" that she is on her period or not. 

Maybe I have 2 girls and that's why I felt indignant. I hope MY's lawmakers and politicians take a stand on this matter and make reforms where necessary. Culture and mindset is indeed an ingrained thing and may take a long time to be eradicated or changed, but I sincerely hope they make headway on this. 

Big Auntie

She came to visit on Labour Day and brought me much discomfort. 

Was a little doubled-over on Saturday afternoon. I was bloated, crampy, had a bad lower backache.....and was....well....sibei bloated. I even considered taking panadol to manage the discomfort, a thought which had never crossed my mind once in all of the 30 years that I've been having menses. Didn't help that I had a bout of diarrhoea on Friday night. 

The older I get, the more jialat the effects are....especially this past year maybe? 

Was feeling crampy and bloated yesterday as well but it was better than Saturday. 

The bloatedness is still there today but strangely, now my thighs are sore like shit. 

Ganbatte....

(when does menopause set in again? 50? 55?......)

Nom Nom

K had Krisflyer miles that were expiring and since we aren't anywhere anytime soon, he swopped it out for vouchers at Fullerton Hotel's brunch service at the Town Restaurant. 

We went there yesterday since it was a Labour Day weekend and Alyssa didn't have her swim class. 

I think the girls had fun haha...Both were pretty adventurous yesterday and tried the following new things!

• lobster
• parma ham (Alyssa loved it so much she probably finished 90% of the portion that was given to our table)
• salmon sashimi (they'd been refusing to try this for years...and somehow the stars aligned yesterday and both of them tried it and liked it!)
• braised beef (which was rejected by both haha...Nadya made a face..)
• broccolini
• burrata
• rocket/arugula (Nadya tolerated this more than Alyssa but eventually still declared that she wasn't gonna try it anymore ahhaha)
• black caviar and some other orangey fish roe (both liked these alot!)

We took a walk at the area in front of the hotel after meal. Trudged across Cavenagh Bridge and walked through a tiny tunnel to bring us to the riverfront. I think it's called Jubilee Walk. Chanced upon a Lim Bo Seng memorial and explored a little more before we headed back. The weather was just too hot and humid to do more walking. 

Glad we did something different yesterday! 

Hair.....

In some areas, I am less autocratic. I will let the girls choose whether they want their hair long or not. 

I asked Alyssa this morning: "Next year you're going to primary school already and need to wake up early. I don't want any fussing ya. Because I need to get both you and Nadya ready."

A: ok

Me: Are you ok if we cut your hair short so you don't need to tie it? Or would you still prefer to have long hair like now?

A: mmmm.....I think I still want long hair like now...

Me: ok, then you'll need to be cooperative ya.

Handling 2 girls in the mornings next year...and having to get both their hair settled at the same time. Ok, it'll probably be just simple ponytails all the way lol....No time for braids or anything more complicated than a ponytail....

If it were my mum, or my MIL, both girls would probably be in super short bobs with super short bangs lol....