..........

有心无力，要咋做才能更精力充沛呢 

That feeling of being stuck in a rut and just cruising along with no real growth & improvement. 

Mid-life woes?

Lack of exercise & hence motivation?

Shio........Pan.......

 I am not done with my shio pan phase. We're heading to Bedok Mall later today for lunch.....

A trip to Breadtalk is necessary. :D

7 February 2025

Happy Birthday Mama!

I miss you alot. 

From time to time snippets & memories of you float into my mind. 

Like how when I was in primary school and I often did my homework in front of the TV while sitting on the floor with my books arranged in a circle around me, with you sitting in your trusty orange armchair (with wooden arms) on my right. You'd have your eyes glued to the TV which was airing some rerun of a Channel 8 drama (and occasionally cursing in Hokkien at the baddie on screen lol). It was you whom I learned some choice Malay & Hokkien cuss words from lol. 

Like how I helped you to make kueh pie tee cups from scratch, dipping the metal mould into the flour mix and then quickly dunking the mould into hot oil and finding the right time to flick out the cup and fry it to a crisp. 

Like how we squatted in the kitchen to wrap bak zhang. I was too young & too clumsy to know how to  hold & fold the bamboo leaves properly but I helped to scoop up the filling & dump it into the small hole you made in the middle of the glutinous rice, and I helped to cover up the filling with more rice too!

Like how you'd make yummy yellow sticky rice with ikan kuning fried to a level of crispiness I cannot imagine, and other lovely side dishes to accompany the rice like egg omlette and sambal ikan bilis. 

Like how you'd make your own fermented rice and leave that huge bottle in the fridge...occasionally sipping on the liquid that resulted from it (I didn't know then but I think it might have been some type of rice alcohol.

Like how you always insisted on sleeping on your tilam on the floor next to my bed even though we had a proper pull-out bed for you with a proper thicker mattress. You always said you still preferred to sleep on the floor. 

Like how you regaled me with stories of when you were young, or stories from the war, or how life was back then in those days, etc. 

I miss you. It's been almost 11 years since you passed. 

Pondering

Wonder what will become of me next time. Me who is not a high flyer nor a super high achiever but just a regular office worker. 

We're in a performance appraisal phase right now. I'd been through a round of grading at my level with my boss. He went through a moderation with his boss already and shared the current results with me. 

One older staff from another team within our division seems likely to be given a lower rating. Just because of bell curve fixed quotas that we have to meet, and just because he is older and about to "retire" in another 2 months and be converted to a contract staff. I wondered if it was fair for someone to be designated a sacrificial lamb in such a manner. I wondered if his work performance was actually satisfactory. My boss wasn't sure about that staff's quality of work but it is not the first time this has been done within the organisation as a whole....sigh. 

Sad realities of life?

On the other hand, we'd given a staff  under me a low rating as well. But given that she had the lowest job grade designation out of the entire division, she was "saved" from this lower rating and given a slightly higher rating. Both good & bad news for me I guess. 

Oh...I dislike dealing with HR matters.....

The Bus

Took the bus to work this morning.

Nerve-wrecking given the long hiatus. I can't even recall the last time I took the bus to work. Might have easily been 3 years ago.

Glad that the bus was not crowded given that the usual bunch of school-going kids had probably cleared by then. 

Glad I had a nice corner seat by the window. 

Let's keep this up Michelle!!! 

Hope to

1. Read, Exercise, Reflect more
2. Maintain & nurture relationships with family, friends, colleagues
3. Continue being present for the kids 

2025

New year is here. 

I don't think I have any new year resolutions yet except to exercise more. 

And I wish for more stability, tranquility, peace, good health, happiness and blessings. 

Not just for myself, but for the family & loved ones too.

Staff

I'm on leave. But I am chasing one particular staff for her workplan submission. 

Angry. Testing my patience. I reminded the team at least 2 times. And I reminded her a 3rd & 4th time. She still missed the deadline. And amendments needed to be made to the rubbish submission. Amended submission is still not in after a week. 

$#%!@#$ 

"Scolded" her this morning and told her I should not need to have to chase you for this when it is your responsibility to look after your submission yourself. I don't want to have to do this while I am on leave! 

She is already on performance monitoring, and still not putting in enough attention to these things. I don't know what else to say or what else to do to help. Already given enough guidance & extended more flexibility than I should to support her. 

I pray for patience and direction on my end, greater effort and awareness on her end, and a tiny miracle. 

19 Dec 2024

Shifted. Back at JS. After 10.5 years. 

Myriad emotions. 

Movers came on 19 Dec morning 9am. My guesstimate was right...they were done with the shifting by 1030/11am. 

Unpacked 70% of my stuff over the past few days. But the girls' stuff and other common items are still 50% unpacked. 

Things are in a big mess with clutter everywhere. I hope to clear them soon. 

We still have things at our own place, and I'm wondering how to settle those things. Have pushed it at the back of my mind for now. Too many things. One at a time. 

Jiayou...

Emotions

Did not realise how emotional I might be packing things up for the shift.

A little piece of something, another article, yet another memento.

Each long forgotten till I set eyes on them again. And once seen, each triggering some long hidden faded memory and bringing to surface things from eons ago.

Also threw away various things. Things which I kept all these years, thinking they would come into use one day but somehow never ever did. 

Decluttering stirs up dust. Both literal & metaphorical ones. 

Slaps!!

Recently hired a temp staff. Over-qualified for the post cos she has degree (from distance learning) and a Masters from one of our local unis. 

She's 17 years younger but we get along pretty alright. I like her. Easy to talk to. 

Only thing is...I feel old sometimes. 

Gosh, the Gen Z slangs.....

For e.g. in a typed conversation over Teams....

She: The taste of the fried udon slaps!

Me: ah so it's ur go-to order

She: ya and what slaps even harder is the udon beef, then u add chilli....wah slaps!!

-_-''

Ok laoniang sibei old..sibei old school lol....

Resorted to google....In Gen Z, "Slaps" means something is excellent or amazing, and often used to describe food or music o rother items that are well made. 

Shio Pan

Laoniang's latest craze. 

I'm averaging 3-4 shio pans a week over the last 2-3 weeks...still not too bad la hor...not as if I am having it everyday. :) 

So nice..so buttery...so simple. 

Japanese version of croissant, with less mess & less oil lol. 

Didn't realise I was so into it till the Saturday just past when I went to a bakery and found out its shio pans were sold out. I got quite sad haha. 

Year-end

It's the year-end headache again. 

What to get for some people for Xmas. The rush and never-ending list of things to get. Coupled with the many things to do for work, and for the shift back to FIL's. Food items to plan for gatherings, venues to book, appointments to fulfil....and some obligations to try to fulfil also...

I wish I could have a few days of doing nothing. With no one to jump on my bed and annoy me. No incompetent colleague to test my patience. No responsibilities to meet or people to look or "chase" after. Wish I could just stay at home and do some stretching, some dumbbell exercises, watch videos, crochet, nap, etc. Something that feeds me and soothes me....

At this point, I can't seem to even find some time or space to reflect abit on the past year and to think about next year. 

Morton's

K wanted the girls to try a more fine dining experience. And, the last he & I went to Morton's Singapore was more than 10 years ago. And, he was craving for beef....

And so we went this evening. Lol....

Food was good like what we remembered. 

The asparagus side dish was a little off for me though. N loved the onion bread & had tons of it. The girls shared a salmon main. A tried some of K's beef and really liked it. That's my girl! A meat-eater! hahaha...N as usual stuck to fish, breads & dessert, and refused any form of red meat (that is not cured or processed) lol. 

We had a bacon & onion mac & cheese side dish which turned out to be nice but quite "jelak". We didn't manage to finish it and dabao-ed it home. 

A requested to come back again for her 10th birthday...Errrr...we said "see how"....I calculated, the bill could probably feed our family of 4 around 15-17 sessions of McDonald's. 

22 November 2024

Company's Family Day! 

I brought Alyssa there in the morning and then K brought Nadya to meet us there around 12pm, after her Math class. 

Think I spent almost 5 hours walking non-stop with very short breaks of 2-3 mins at times. 

In the evening, I discovered that my shoulders were red lol. I got tanned but it was a fun day! 

Lotsa birdies and I had a nice "conversation" with a birdie friend too. It was some sort of duck which responded when I spoke to it. We carried on a "conversation" for almost a minute before I had to go lol...

???

I don’t know. Is it a must to go overseas for a trip during the school holidays? Or to have a short trip somewhere or even a staycation? 

Why am I viewed as an oddity and rarity when I say I am not going anywhere during this school holidays? 

Maybe the last big trip 6yrs ago put me off travelling. 
Maybe the anxiety is putting me off travelling too. 
Maybe I'm too lazy to plan when there are already so many things going on. 

There is that little bit of mum guilt though. When the kids see their friends going off here & there. 
Sigh. 

11 April 2024

I just reaslied something. 

I did not jot this down back in April. I must have been pretty occupied at the time with the new system refresh, staff on maternity, etc...

11 April 2014. 

Mama's 10th death anniversary. 

How time flies. 

I miss you Mama. 

It was a blessing to have had you around when I was growing up. You were a permanent fixture in my daily life. I came back from school each day and you were at home either watching TV, playing your poker cards, gossiping on the phone with your sister or preparing some yummy snack for all of us. 

Wish the girls had a chance to see you & play with you. The only very fuzzy memory they have of you is you in the family portrait back at the old Tampines home. But I don't think they can really recall that anymore too since that house was sold by Mum & Dad 5 years ago. 

May you continue having fun up there with Ipoh, Tuanku, Brenda...and now maybe Ah Dioh too...

Peanut Power!

Alyssa has done well!

Over the past week,

1. She was invited to attend the selection round to get into the E2K Science Programme
2. She was invited to attend the selection round to get into the BICEP Chinese programme unique to SHHK  affiliated schools
3. She was selected by her class teachers to get the Billingual Communicator Award for her class
4. One of her artwork was put up at Tampines Hub together with other art pieces from her school & 2 other primary schools
5. Her form teacher informed me that she nominated Alyssa to be a junior leader (aka prefect) next year though a student leadership committee would still be making the final decision whether to let Alyssa be one or not

Keep it up Peanut!

Mama, Dada & Jie Jie are proud of you!

3 November 2024 Sunday

It was a milestones day of sorts.

Alyssa had her 2^nd gymnastics competition. A more challenging and proper competition compared to the first one she did in Bangkok. She did well in some segment like the vault and beam but was apparently nervous and didn’t do as well as she could have.

At least this was according to her coach who said she was usually the strongest in the beam routine and all coaches were depending on her to ace that routine & get a high score. She was the last of all 35 competitors to go on the beam and I think she got quite nervous. Coach said she missed out some things but still did good.

Nadya had her first outing with her bunch of good gal pals from her P5 class! Zero parent supervision. They were all on their own and had lunch at 112 Katong’s SG Hawker, and then hung around shopping a little bit. They then went to catch a movie before ending up at the basement buying bubble tea. Some of them adjourned to Parkway to play at Timezone but Nadya & another girl didn’t join them for this portion. 

11 October 2024

11 October 2024 (Friday) was 九王爷's birthday. Lunar date was 9th of the 9th lunar month.  

And it was my lunar birthay!

I initially wanted to celebrate it a little....but...forgot cos we were busy with looking after a sick Alyssa...and getting Nadya prepped for her enrichment class. 

Oh well...happy belated lunar birthday to me! 

9 October 2024

And so my firstborn turned 11 on 9 October 2024 (Wednesday). 

Time flies and she can wear some of my old tops now. She's inherited at least 2 or 3 of my old Adidas sports singlets lol. 

She's into a little bit of kpop now, influenced by her girlfriends from class. Glad that she's found a good bunch to be with at school. They are good kids and strong in various aspects. I hope they bring good & positive influence to her. 

She's still "tantrummy" even at this age. I roll my eyes at times when she gets a certain way. She tests my patience alot as well though I have to say it's been better in the latter half of this year compared to earlier this year and even last year. 

I don't know if she's hit puberty yet as there seems to be no physical changes save for some pimples at her temples. And she still stubbornly refuses to use facial wash. I can only sigh. 

She's still passionate about her ballet, and reading her books. She's picked up crocheting after I taught her the basics and now she's experimenting with making her own things. Wish I had better skills to teach her more complex designs and patterns but oh well...this mama is a little of a jack of all trades but master of none. 

I hope though that she keeps up with these positive pursuits and learns more about other things as well. There's a lot the world has to offer! 

Happy birthday Nadya! Dada, Mama & Meimei love you!

Influenza A

Was swabbed at Healthway clinic this afternoon. Confirmed that laoniang has Influenza A as well. 

And so dear Alyssa passed it to me. Was given Tamiflu and a bunch of meds to deal with the fever, runny nose, cough and sore throat. 

Doc said fever for Influenza A is usually at levels of 39 or 40C...and that my immunity seems strong enough that my highest temperature for today was at 38.6C. K said Alyssa's high fever only kicked in on Day 2 or 3. I hope mine stays at manageable levels. 38+ C was already giving me bad aches...I cannot imagine crossing 39C. 

3 days MC. 

No urgent work matters. I shall nuah. 

Strange October

It's been a strange October so far. 

1st week
Quarreled with Nadya one evening and I got so frustrated with her that I teared up in front of her & Alyssa. Alyssa got pissed at Nadya over the situation as well and stormed out of the room. Cried quite badly another night due to some stress and anxiety felt over another personal issue.

On yet another day, found out that the junior officers in my team had skipped doing a piece of work for at least 5 months'. Nobody told me anything till we finally managed to have a F2F team meeting on 1 Oct. Trust has seriously been broken. And I also seriously question myself and my abilities to lead the team. Alot of self-doubt and reflection. 

Alyssa accidentally caught her little finger between a wall and the car door and effectively pinched off a chunk of skin from the tip of the finger. She bled quite abit and was teary but still handled the situation like a trooper. 

2nd week 
Spent most of my time focused on Alyssa who fell sick with influenza A. Whole of Wednesday night and Thursday was spent sponging her, sometimes while trying to clear work. I hope she didn't pass anything to me. I've a slightly runny nose and sore throat now...

We split both of them up, with K sleeping with Alyssa, and Nadya bunking in with me in our bedroom. Nadya sleeps like a starfish that rolls around. Sigh. I'll admit that I had to physically push her away from me many a time these last few nights. I hope Alyssa gets well soon so that Nadya can go back to their bedroom. 

Ended the week by stubbing my smallest right toe against a magnetic door catch on the floor. And broke off part of my toenail. I felt pain but didn't know I was bleeding till Nadya told me there were drops of blood on the floor. $#@%$#!^$%^

I hope the latter half of October brings better things for us. 

又哭了

Sometimes, I wonder if I am just a doormat who goes along with anything and everything. Unless it’s something illegal or goes against my conscience or morals.

这是太随和还是没主见还是累了?

hmm...

Either I have unprocessed stuff.

Or Big Auntie is on her way to visit me. 

Teary.

24 September 2024

Alyssa turned 9 on 24 September 2024! It was a Tuesday.

The littlest of our family is now almost a decade old. Time flies. 

She is still as cheery, compassionate, emphathetic and affectionate as before. 

Though she had more breakdowns this year and tantrums as schoolwork gets more difficult. She gets upset when she can't solve a Math sum and then gets stuck in a whirlwind of frustration & unhappy thoughts , and can't get out of it. 

She is helpful and willing to handle her chores or help out where needed. Unless I disrupt her reading of an interesting book lol. 

She asked for a simple meal at Astons on Sunday evening. And a trip to Decathlon so that she & her sister could run amok there and try on skates, play with balls, check out other stuff, etc. 

Stay healthy and happy little one. I'm glad you made more friends this year, both within your class and in your gymnastics class too. 

Stay focused and keep going! Dada, Mama & Jiejie love you!

Reminder to Self

When you fixate on something, it becomes your reality.

Take that first step. Just do it. Get started. Just keep swimming. 

Don't let whatever was clinically diagnosed hold you back, box you in or constrain your thoughts,  behaviours and actions.

Try try try. And then try somemore. 

Wake Me Up When September Ends

2 cremation services in as many weeks...

September 2024 has been a strange month. 

人生不如意事十有八九....笑着带过吧...this too shall pass

20 September 2024

Received news of Ah Dioh's situation on 18 Sept. He was gravely ill and warded at CGH. I visited him and spent more than an hour there that same evening. I wasn't sure if his mind could register anything as he was already in a somewhat unresponsive state. But I still greeted him and said my hellos. Much of that hour was spent supporting & comforting my aunt (his wife), and chatting with my cousin (his daughter). 

I'm glad I rushed over that day and managed to see him. 

He passed away early on 20 Sept. 

I attended the wake on 20 Sept evening, and was also present at his cremation service on 22 Sept Sunday evening. 

And just like that....in a jiffy...he went from hospital bed to coffin and then the incinerator in less than a week...Things end quite swiftly sometimes. 

He battled bladder cancer for 3 years and had several operations over this period of time. He was quite resilient and still had a good appetite. His mind was good and was very lucid when we visited him during CNY earlier this year. 

Rest in peace Ah Dioh. I hope you're happily reunited with all your siblings in heaven..

Rest in Peace

Haven’t really had the chance to organise my thoughts or pen things down. Myriad emotions since MIL’s passing exactly 3 weeks ago. 

On one hand, I am glad she is no longer suffering. Being unable to eat, or taste much took a toll on her mind and body, given the foodie that she was. 

The other part of me, the selfish part of me I guess, feels the loss of a steady presence (& glue) on that side of the family. One who was always there and looking after the family in her own ways. One who was the more practical &  level-headed half, watching out for FIL, whether he knew it or not. One who was doting on the grandkids, yet also tried to impart key values and life habits to them, and emphasised the value of education and female independence.

Thank you Mum....

• for looking after the girls, for teaching them English & Chinese since they were young, for developing your own flashcards & guiding them to read & write, for sewing pajama pants and cute skirts for them since they were toddlers, for bringing them out to town or even to the zoo and bring them on MRT rides and bus trips, for showing them girl power
• for running around doing groceries and buying snacks or cakes or fruits or special food items, for making our favourite foods, for planning out all family meals during special occasions like CNY and Xmas, and for always remembering to create a non-herbal and non-seafood version for me for these meals if needed
• for offering to help whenever you thought we might need some assistance
• for showing us what being steadfast and staying true to your values and principles is like
• for just being there.....

Rest in peace...

17 September 2024 - 17th work anniversary

I joined the organisation on 17 September 2007. 

Voila. It's been 17 years. 

I'm more or less still holding the same role, with a highly expanded scope, and my own team now. 

I guess I've grown with this place. It's witnessed many milestones in my adult life.  

In these 17 years.....I went through a hurtful breakup and had to give up a flat I balloted for. I got to travel alot and sometimes to "exotic" places. I met K and we eventually got married. The girls came along. Granny passed away 6 months after N was born. A never got to see her. K & I got our own place. We also got our first car & second cars. I hired my first helper ever. I got clinically diagnosed with anxiety. I got promoted 3 times......amongst other things. 

I am thankful for the good bosses I've had, and good teammates. Thankful too for some friendships formed over the years with colleagues, and ex-colleagues. 

Wednesday 4 September 2024

MIL passed away.

While the eventuality was expected given the illness, it still hits hard when it happens. 

FIL & SIL called K & I at 230am. My phone was on silent mode and I slept through the calls till K woke me up to inform me he was heading to the hospital. I stayed back as the girls were still sleeping. But I couldn’t get back to sleep and was on standby mode, thoughts running through my tired mind. 

K finally texted me at 4:58am to let me know she had passed.

The wake was held over the next 3 days, with the cremation ceremony on 6 Sept evening, and scattering of ashes on 9 Sept morning.

In a way, I am glad that her suffering was not too prolonged.

Rest in peace Mum. I hope you're having a fun reunion with Ah-Gu and your parents. 

Unstoppable

Unstoppable - Sia

All smiles, I know what it takes to fool this town

I'll do it 'til the sun goes down
And all through the nighttime
Oh, yeah
Oh, yeah, I'll tell you what you wanna hear
Leave my sunglasses on while I shed a tear
It's never the right time
Yeah, yeah

I put my armor on, show you how strong I am
I put my armor on, I'll show you that I am

I'm unstoppable
I'm a Porsche with no brakes
I'm invincible
Yeah, I win every single game
I'm so powerful
I don't need batteries to play
I'm so confident
Yeah, I'm unstoppable today

Unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
I'm unstoppable today

Break down, only alone I will cry out loud
You'll never see what's hiding out
Hiding out deep down
Yeah, yeah
I know, I've heard that to let your feelings show
Is the only way to make friendships grow
But I'm too afraid now
Yeah, yeah

I put my armor on, show you how strong I am
I put my armor on, I'll show you that I am

I'm unstoppable
I'm a Porsche with no brakes
I'm invincible
Yeah, I win every single game
I'm so powerful
I don't need batteries to play
I'm so confident
Yeah, I'm unstoppable today

Unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
I'm unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
I'm unstoppable today

I put my armor on, show you how strong I am
I put my armor on, I'll show you that I am

I'm unstoppable

I'm a Porsche with no brakes
I'm invincible
Yeah, I win every single game
I'm so powerful
I don't need batteries to play
I'm so confident
Yeah, I'm unstoppable today

Unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
I'm unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
I'm unstoppable today

============

Summing things up? I dunno...

But anyway, the other day, K & I were debating what word it was (old liao both of us forgot lol)...

I said it was "Impossible"...he said it was "Unbreakable"...

The girls overheard....rolled their eyes and said..."Unstoppable lah!!!"

Lol lol lol....

Another conversation with the girls

How do you broach the topic of mortality with a 9-yr-old?

I am thankful that both girls had had pets (both hamsters & spiders) in the past who all passed on eventually. At least that helped to introduce the concepts of impermanence and mortality to them. 

We've both been slowly talking to them in bite-sizes, whether individually or together, about things and the eventuality. 

I hope they understand...slowly bit by bit...

Conversation with the 9-yr-old

Conversation with the 9-yr-old

A: I want 3 birthday cakes this year.

Me: Har? Why?

A: Because this is my last year with a single digit age number.

Me: Errrr ok…

A: I also need 3 birthday cakes next year.

Me: And why again?

A: Because next year is my first year with a double digit age number.

Me: .............

Reminder to Self

Don't buy things on impulse when you're not in a good mood. 

Ended up with 2 articles of clothing that do not fit me, and which are somehow non-returnable. 

Sigh. 

活该

Wonder if I should bring them to be altered? Hmm......

可以的

Wondering if I am doing an ok job as a reporting officer. 

Wondering if and how I can do more and how else I should handle this one particular staff, who is also bringing some amount of headache for my own boss. 

It's my first time dealing with this situation. He has seen more through the course of his work life....while he also finds this situation not ideal, at least it is not anything too egregious. 

I had a chat with him a few weeks back. We agreed that while we can show compassion and accord more flexibility to this staff, we need to also ensure work responsibilities get fulfilled, and we need to properly document our chats/counselling sessions/instruction emails with this staff. 

I'm still learning....

可以的

可以的

Trying to be best friends with my dumbbells. Kinda slow getting to know each other better. May we find each others' frequency soon. Lol....

可以的!! 

可以的

We’re almost midway through the 7^th lunar month already. Mid-autumn is coming soon.

The purchase and delivery of mooncakes is coming up soon. 

Time ticks away so fast.

I should be prepping for Xmas soon too. In fact, I think we were already done with a portion of the Xmas gifts by this time last year. 

Nvm....

可以的......

Best Buy

I've been buying some things recently...from crochet stuff to the kids' bedding, to sewing materials, etc. 

But the best buy has got to be....

A pair of prescription goggles. 

It was an off the shelf pair from View. Got it from the Sun Paradise shop and was told by the sales lady that it was a Japanese brand. The cheap pair I got online from Shopee didn't work for me. Water seeped in whenever I dunked my head underwater. And so without hesitation, I bought the View pair. I think from asking the lady, to trying it on, and then paying up, I only took probably 10mins haha. Fast purchase.  

Managed to try it out over the weekend and suddenly found that I could swim again! Yay! I could see underwater. Though it's not fully clear but better than not having any vision underwater at all. 

I stopped swimming ever since I had kids and it was even harder to get started again when I stopped wearing contact lenses about 7 years ago....I simply couldn't swim without knowing exactly where I was going or what I was seeing. It felt very scary to swim like that and given my high myopia, I just kinda forgot about swimming and gave up. 

I can't do 15-20 laps like I did 15 years ago. But oh well..baby steps baby steps...happy to even just do the equivalent of 1 lap for now...broken into smaller distances since the pool below my block is just a small pool lol. 

Ganbatte!

The Small One

Sick since Wednesday afternoon when she called us from school to announce that she was havign a fever and had a headache. Vomitted twice at home that afternoon. The doctor said she had stomach flu. 

We separated the big one from her. N slept with me and K bunked in with A. 

Fever broke by Friday morning but the cough...oh the cough. It's so persistent and the phelgm sounds so thick. 

Sigh....may the cough & phelgm go away soon. She's been cranky & moody the entire day today, claimed she's extremely bored. 

Back to school tomorrow so I hope the school, work, homework & friends occupy her enough....

The nephew

Marc's entering uni. He's going NTU. And he's starting his hostel orientation camp in 2 day's time. 

I'm getting all the feels. Feeling excited for him and all that he'll be going through over the next few years. For the new friends he'll be making, for the new experiences, for the new "freedom" of staying on his own and looking after himself. 

有一种莫名的兴奋和骄傲。。。

Adrian, me, and even K were all from NTU, my cousin and his wife as well...and now the next generation is going to NTU too...:)

It felt real nostalgic when Marc showed me a map of the current NTU on his phone. The place has changed so much and expanded in ways I never imagined too.

I hope he has a great & fulfilling time in NTU, and in his assigned hostel too. I hope he enjoys his orientation & hostel life thoroughly like I did! May he make long-lasting friendships too. 

 

Maybe

Guess we have to accept that as time goes by, as people grow & develop, as people live their lives and go about their own paths...

It is inevitable that some friends will be on a slightly different wavelength with different interests and pursuits. 

Maybe I am getting more gor tak too as I grow older. Maybe I've changed, especially in the last 5 years. 

Hmm...

Is this a Singaporean thing? Or an Asian thing?

To downplay, to be seen as humble, to be self-deprecating...when done too much though, it may be perceived as hypocrisy?

"My kid cannot make it. The Maths and Chinese wah lau eh...I wanna vomit blood"
Kid ends up in BICEP programme....

"I don't exercise, where got time? My stamina chui until...."
Posts on FB about a 7km run...

"No money lah, budget tight."
Buys a multi-storied townhouse with a lift...

"I'm chill lah, just let the kid try lor."
Kid comments that the parent is very strict with studies and makes kid do assessments...

Wondering if I do it too. Hmm..

Random musings

2nd half of the year already. So fast. 

Felt like we just celebrated Xmas & CNY and now it's time to prep for Xmas gifts again, after we settle the mid-autumn festival stuff. Do I have to prep teachers' day stuff this year? Sigh.........

Too quick. 

=============

I've been at this place almost 17 years. Over the last 2 months, thoughts of quitting creeped into my mind. First time ever. 

I don't know why. Frustration at recent happenings? The double & triple-hatting over the last 2 years? My staff having all sorts of things happening to them and having to take leave frequently? The 3rd change of the boss sitting 2 levels up? The frustration of some team members not pulling their own weight? Just me being tired? Me feeling like I don't know what I am doing at work and in life?

=============

Looking to fengshui-ise my cubicle. 

Himalayan salt lamp - checked

Little red something in southwest corner - checked

Live plant in northeast corner - coming soon......

Mid-life

Went through a period of awkwardness in secondary school and ended up being quite open & out-going in upper secondary, no thanks to a bunch of good friends whom I hung out with. 

JC was pretty weird an experience for me. Things were ok. There was a period of time where I apparently experienced anxiety issues according to my GP and was prescribed Xanax in JC1. JC life was meh to me....

Entered uni and for some reason, I took to hostel life very well. I was open, out-going and knew alot of folks in the hostel. I headed a committee, participated in activities, etc. Made alot of friendships there, several of which have lasted till now. 

Came out to work and was like a deer in headlights. Experienced some not so nice things but had a pretty good time still I think. Youth is energy. Social life was quite rich at the time. 

 Entered my late 20s & early 30s, stopped Friday pub nights with 2 friends...got together with K, got married, had kids and slowed down. And then the awkwardness set in again. The doubts, the worries, the wondering if you're good enough, the not knowing what the hell you're doing, the constant winging, etc. 

And then the full manifestation of anxiety issues when I hit 38/39. And then the continued on and off doubts & awkwardness & unsureness... 

Till now.  

Thoughts of how to continue my work/career in this organisation has also popped up recently.....

Is this mid-life crisis? Lol...

If I live till my 80s, this is just about mid-life....

Shifted Work Area

 Since 20-something June...our team shifted from Lvl 12 to Lvl 3. 

Half of my desk faces a pillar...a wall of sorts. 

Fengshui sites say it's not too good to face a "wall"....I hope my tilting my body a little to the left, I avoid this "wall"....

Oh well...will just continue to do my best and whatever I can in my work....

Just that my "sea, Sentosa and expressway" view has morphed into a "pond and tree" view. 

Get the Beat

Nadya spent 3 days competing last week. 

3 solo dances:

1. 10&U Intermediate Lyrical  - No placing. Platinum score (within 80-89)
2. 10&U Elite Ballet - 5th place out of 20-odd girls. Diamond score (> 95 or 95+). Fairy doll variation. 
3. 11&U Elite Ballet - No placing. Double-Platinum score (within 90 - 94). Aurora variation. 

3 group dances

1. 10&U Contemporary - 2nd place. Diamond score.
2. 10&U Classical - 5th place. Diamond score.
3. 12&U Classical - 1st place. Diamond score. Most Promising Technique prize. 

Proud of her. Happy for her. 

Just a little bewildered why she didn't get a placing at the 11&U Elite Ballet cos I felt she did pretty well. But then again, I'm not a professional dance judge. :)

One more competition on 13 June. 

Jiayou!

Alyssa was such a good girl. She spent many hours together with K & I watching many many performances just to get o Nadya's turn or just to wait till the awards section to see if Nadya got anything. Sometimes it was just plain waiting with nothing to do. While she was bored and tired, she didn't complain too much. 

Math!

And so the girls have been home. 

And so K has been drilling them on Math & Chinese, their weaker/weakest subjects, for a certain amount of time each morning. 

And so N came to me for help on Math sums this morning. She couldn't do 3 questions on ratio. The 3 questions also touched on geometry and money. 

I have to say those questions were quite complicated for a Primary 5 kid. 

I was proud to say I could do them! 

And then I realised....

Piangz...my standard seems quite low haha...cheap thrill to get so happy over solving P5 Math questions lol... 

A was assigned science work for the school hols...and it involves completing several small and big tasks to earn points to qualify for a Young Scientist badge. 

$#!%$!$#@%

I dislike such long-drawn projects and I am trying to get all the tasks over and done with sooner rather than later. 

I've had to work with her on them since last week and we still have at least 2 more tasks to go before we hit the minimum number of points we need to get. 

Ganbatte...

Dance Comp

 'Tis the season…dance competition season.

 Laoniang’s needlework tested again, as I had to sew on a special support structure for one of N’s tutus.

 Dance mom. Lol.

Happy colours

Was in a cab on the way to work.

Cab uncle suddenly exclaimed "Eh got rainbow!"

There was indeed one in the sky. Two-thirds of an arch. It wasn't vibrant and held more gentle, subtle hues. 

Still, it was beautiful. I liked it this way. Very beautiful & gentle amidst the clouds and the blue sky. 

I was happy to see it. It was a great start to the day!

This

Verbatim extract from LHL's interview with CNA in the past. Not sure when it was exactly....but I think he summed up alot of our thoughts perfectly. 

=================================
In the West, they’ve got a movement called “Wokeness” where you are super sensitive to other people’s issues and you become hypersensitive when other people somehow or other say things or mention things or refer to you without the respect which you or your super sub-group feel you are entitled to. It leads to very extreme attitudes and social norms, particularly in some academic institutions, universities. You talk about safe spaces, you talk about appropriate pronouns. You talk about “I’m about to say something which may be offensive to you. If you don’t want to hear it, perhaps you would like to leave now.”

 And life become very burdensome, and I don’t think we want to go in that direction. It does not make us a more resilient, cohesive society with a strong sense of solidarity. We must be more robust.

~ Singapore ex-PM Lee Hsien Loong
Extracted from a CNA Interview
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eb6Qv4rPiIk 

=================================

Buay balen

Not in a good space for the last few months, especially in the last several weeks. 

Unbalanced and "stuck". 

Unsure how to get "unstuck". 

Wiggling slowly. At times when I see some success, I get pulled back by stuff again. 

迷茫的时候不如慢下来，让风吹散前路的雾。

不过，现状能让我慢下来吗？

When you're a minion

Was so frustrated by work yesterday I cried again. 2nd session in as many months.

Big friggin arrow coming. All because of one person's comment and expectation. All cuss words I knew were floating around in my mind when I read those emails relating to the matter. 

I hope it can be deflected. Only my 女神 (aka the number 2 in my organisation) can save us I think. 

I have tried and am still trying to counter, deflect, oppose....and counter somemore. My RO is trying as well. 

I can only hope. Fingers crossed. 

I can only say to kill an ant with a sledgehammer is a MAJOR OVERKILL. And you need a team to procure that sledgehammer, and also need to find someone to swing that sledgehammer, and probably also other manpower to clean up the ground thereafter......just to kill one ant. And that bloody ant, may not even appear at all on that path. 

Fingers crossed. 

Toes crossed. 

Single Line

Pretty fast this round. Am thankful. 

Yesterday was Day 4...tested myself at night using an expired ART kit and it turned out negative. 

Was wondering about the kit's efficacy and did another test this morning with another kit which hasn't expired. Result was negative as well. 

Yay!

Leaky nose has morphed into just a stuffy nose (pretty much like my usual sinus stuffiness anyway).

Irritating one is the cough which is usually the last one to go away. 

Hope I recover fully soon! 

That...yearly SMS

Income tax payment SMS came in. 

O.

U.

C.

H.

Another big outflow. 

This week has many 泪点 .....

真的是要把老娘哭垮是吗？

只能默默的承受默默的消化

Rants

We're in May already. 

Too fast. 

It's been almost 6 months past Xmas. 

Which means.....the cycle of brainstorming for Xmas is starting soon again. 

Can dun so fast or not ah?

Laoniang barely took a breather....everytime take leave also my plans get "ruined" by urgent stuff or staff looking for me or....the kids not letting me nap or.....................

Recently had 1-on-1 conversations with my immediate reporting officer (whom I'm quite close with) and his boss, who is new to the team. Think I was pretty candid and when they asked how I was, I told them "Tired. Quite tired, and frustrated at times too." 

Unbalanced...need to recalibrate...but can't quite figure out how also....

Rattling...just rattling off....

While having fishball noodles at my desk....can't join the girls cos I don't want to spread anything to them. 

Chinese

The girls' school did something new this year for their Chinese Weighted Assessment 1. 

Instead of sitting for a normal paper test, they had all the students from P3 to P5 voice their thoughts in Chinese and submit their audio recordings through the SLS. Each cohort was given a topic/theme and accompanying guiding questions and encouraged to voice their thoughts on the topic. Sort of like the discussion section in an oral exam, just that you are given ample time to prepare (and write a script) and then do an audio recording. 

Been a long time since I "flexed" my Chinese muscles....but I'm actually kinda proud of some of the stuff I came up with for both their scripts haha...

I guess watching Chinese variety shows over the last 2-3 years does help a little. 

2 Lines

When 2 lines does not bring happy news. 

No I'm not pregnant. But I'm C+. 

2nd time to kena...one week shy of a year when I had it for the first time. 

Achey, slight fever, fairly leaky nose, scratchy throat. 

But on the whole, I think the symptoms are more manageable compared to the first time. Fever is lower too. Throat doesn't hurt as much as the first time as well. 

I just feel bad (and a little worried) as I had lunch with TY yesterday. He's a cancer patient and while he is in the clear right now, he's still undergoing preventive treatment where he's going through a round of chemo once every 2 months for the next 2 years. 

I pray that he is resilient and that I did not pass anything to him. Fingers crossed. 

I missed my brother's convalidation of marriage ceremony this morning too...

In the meantime....drinking water like nobody's business. 

Thankful that it rained alot and it is not as warm as it was over the last 2-3 weeks. 

Hope I recover soon...

Pick your battles

What if one day comes and I don't want to care about anything at all anymore?

Let all issues drop into a black hole of oblivion. 

How nice that would be. 

Let everything be just rainbows and butterflies and fluffy clouds.

Caring too much. 

Have to let go. 

Can I learn to let go even more? 

Maybe I should carry a broom around and remind myself to sweep more things under the carpet.

:(

Saddest thing I've heard today. From ST.

"Actually you don't look too good. Got to love yourself more."

Chinese Poem!

Nadya's homework...she was supposed to do a writeup or poem or mindmap regarding the word "永远".

While munching on dinner...laoniang came up with the following, which she happily copied....zzzzzzzz.....

永远是友情

也是吃不完的冰淇淋

永远是亲情

也是玩不完的游戏

永远是爱情

也是舔不完的棒棒糖

To be honest....I don't know if it makes sense lol...

Knee

The right knee's feeling better and less stiff after re-starting physio exercises at home again. 

Reminder to self to keep this up. 

The other M

Had lunch with Michelle Ho yesterday. 

A little sad she'll be seconded out quite soon. Yet another familiar face from Suntec days will be gone for the next few years. 

I've always felt a certain affinity with her. Besides sharing the same first name and having had people send wrong emails to us during our early years in this organisation (just cos we share the same first name), we were both from the same primary school, grew up in Tampines (she is still staying there!), are Peranakans, had the same boss, liked the same stuff, etc...We each have 2 kids, and each had a helper and now both of us have no more helper too lol. 

Hard to find folks of the same wavelength and values. 

Sincerely wishing her well in her new place and may we catch up again in the near future. 

9 April 2024

15th paktor anniversary!

It was a Tuesday so we didn't do much on the actual day. The Sunday before, we went for a meal at Sushiro Bedok Mall. Dragged 2 (fairly noisy & "squabbly") lampposts along lol. 

I guess this is how I like it too. Simple, nothing too fancy or ostentatious. And just being together. 

大姨妈

Fairly emotional & anxious.

Groggy & sleepy.

Tired & quite bloated. 

Waiting for big auntie to come this round is quite a challenge.

Work snippets

Val & my little private joke. 

"We discover something new each day."

Referring to our new system. And the many bugs and defects that it still seems to have. We've taken stock, yes, it's 90% accurate that we're something new each working day. 

I hope things smoothen out sooner rather than later. 

===============
Glad ST is back from maternity leave tomorrow. 

My patience has been tested many a time over the last several months. I hope with her back in action, I will be able to regain more sanity, and have more time for myself too.

===============
Wondering ever so often. What am I doing? What is it that I want?

Mid-life crisis?

===============
It's a new work week tomorrow. I hope that particular colleague doesn't test my patience too much. 

I am irritable and my resting bitch face may not hold that much before it becomes a blacker face. 

Miscellanous

Prepping for chats with bosses. Not sure when they will be...but I hope my mind is in a better state when it happens. 

Currently feeling a little all over the place given the number of ops & technical issues that are cropping up and the various outreach by diff parties through the day. It's lessened these 2 days and I am thankful. 

Managed to go for a walk yesterday. Felt better & dragged myself out. Happy I did. To more walks and longer walks. 

Slowly starting my knee physio stuff again. The aches and stiffness hasn't abated fully, though they aren't there all the time. Will need another few more weeks I guess. I need to be more consistent. 

I need to find a day to take leave and go cut my hair. 

I need to take a few days off and just nua?

Just realised the Marketing colleague I am losing patience with...has stepped on the toes of several others within the team. To the extent that...for our upcoming shift to another level of the same building, at least 6 of us want to avoid having her cube near or next to us. 

Tbill cut-off yields are very good over the last 2-3 issuances. Laoniang is jumping on the bandwagon. Hope I can get a good rate for this current exercise. 

Physio

Was not consistent over the last 1.5-2months in doing my knee physio. I think I skipped it most of the time. 

Can feel the tendon there getting stiff and achy again. The area that I injured around 6.5months ago when I fell down on a slippery metal surface while walking home. 

Reminder to self....

Be consistent and continue with your knee physio and back physio exercises on a daily basis.

April

We've moved into April. 

Too fast. Too fast. 

April brings about K's birthday, and our 15th paktor anniversary....

And also the girls' weighted assessments, Nadya's ballet exam, my granny's 10th death anniversary....and more horribly warm weather lol...

Of sponges and family

K was with Alyssa in BKK yesterday for her 1st gymnastics competition. I was looking after Nadya and bringing her to her classes....

After her last ballet class, we met up with my parents for dinner at Bedok Mall Sushiro...My mum insisted on paying cos she said it was a rare opportunity to get to eat with me outside in a mall, and that she has treated my brother & sister-in-law on various occassions so she wanted to treat me too lol. After dinner, I went to get buns and she paid for those too,

Told my parents: "Wah thank you leh. Today I am sponging off the both of you!"

My mum replied: "It's ok lah my dear . Happy to be your sponge!"

At the moment, I thought it was the cutest comment haha....and laughed heartily.

....

...

..

.

And then when I went home and thought about it further.......

I was wondering......if I sponge off them....am I the sponge or are they the sponge? I am the sponge right? hmmmmmmmmmm LOL LOL LOL....

I love my parents haha...

Jiayou

Laoniang is in an emotional state today. 

7early 8early already feeling zapped out & teary. 

Many operational screw-ups to clean up after the migration. 

Jiayou jiayou jiayou...

This too shall pass....This too shall pass...

我可以的

Loudhailer

Empty vessels make the most noise. How true. 

I have a few good girlfriends who are born in the Year of the Sheep i.e. 1979 or early 1980. Strange that she is the only Sheep that I have no patience for and cannot hang around with. 

It is one thing to 唠几句 for anything & everything that others say. But it grates on my nerves if she acts like she knows everything about our work areas. When she's the one who isn't even clear of her own work stuff and relies on some of us to get things right. 

Ok, enough ranting. Back to work...

Work

工作上有些事情我占时实在是看不开。。。导致我现在有点儿心理不平衡。。。也弄得我有点儿暴躁不耐烦。 也导致了我对某个同事有更深的bias和不好感。 

得想办法调节一下自己的心态。。。否则会更“伤身伤心”。。。

Increasing bias and decreasing patience with a particular marketing colleague. Bringing me grief on certain things, and even simple things can be done wrongly. I pray for patience and the wisdom to let things go when things cannot be changed from my one-sided efforts alone. 

Tingkat

Tingkat starting from 25 March onwards. 

Dinner for 3 pax for 4 nights. Should be enough for our family of 4. 

Hope it's ok and I really hope they don't use wolfberries in their dishes. 

Feels like I am back to my late teens and early to mid 20s...where my family ordered tingkat for several years when my granny fell ill and couldn't cook and when my mum was still working. 

Weight

Was 47.5kg this morning. 

Yay! 

May I reach my goal or 48/49kg soon and sustain it...

Kyne laughed at me again...."人家是要减肥，只有你一个要增肥的".....:D 

============

Need to keep up with physio exercises, especially the knee. Been lax over the past month plus and I can feel the stiffness in my right knee again. 

Need to find myself

Need to keep up with the simple weights stuff

ISFJ

Read the descriptors for ISFJs a few years back. Suddenly remembered about it and re-read it earlier this evening. 

It described how ISFJs are as a friend, a colleague, a subordinate, a manager, a parent, a lover/partner...and in general. 

Still quite accurate. 

Zombie

Monday 11 March 8pm - 1am - Dry Run

Tuesday 12 March 9pm - 1am Dry Run - some cock-up happened and work only closed at 3am. 

Friday 15 March 11pm - Sat 8am - Full Dry Run

Laoniang zombiefied. Clock abit screwed up....as a result tummy getting abit wonky also. 

Actual system migration happening on 22 March 11pm till 23 March 8am. 

Tahan....Tahan....

Jiayou

Many things to do & settle on the workfront. 

Tired. 3 nights next week for system migration dry runs. Right smack during the school holidays. I hope I can carve out sometime for the girls. I want to spend some time with them before they don't want to spend time with me anymore. Nadya is already at the stage where she doesn't want to talk to me at times...

Stressed. Just glad & thankful I have colleagues who are in this together with me. Pek chek that we have some deadweight around or blur toads that we have to spend extra time to handhold when we already are up to our necks. 

Hang in there. Just want to have some me-time. And a break to just don't do anything except maybe watch videos and go out for walks. Is a week too much to ask for? Sometime in April or May? Will I get the chance to do so? Just feels like the whole world has had their weeklong or 2weeks long breaks but I didn't. Had to work at night while I was at Legoland. 

Breathe. 一步一步来， 可以的， 你可以的, 要坚持到底。

No water

There was a notice from our MCST informing us that there would be no water supply from 2 - 330pm today. 

430 came & went and still no water. 

$#@%$T$^%#U&

FML moment came when....

Laoniang had to have a bad tummyache....right when there's no water...
(Laoniang long time no LS cos tummy was cooperating well over the last few weeks...Murphy's Law...Had to have a bad tummy at this time.) 

Desperate times calls for desperate measures. 

Anyway, let's just say I cleaned up well enough...

I am proud to say I am an experienced mother who has handled diaper changes and diaper blowouts in odd venues and situations. Ahem. 

Oh, and am mighty thankful the flush still worked haha. 

====================

When we received the notice 1-2 weeks back, K & I took the opportunity to share with the girls the water rationing exercise we had when we were young kids in primary school.

I remember helping my Mum & Granny fill up pails and tubs of water, and pots of water too for cooking and drinking purposes. 

A day or 2 without water is really quite inconvenient and I'm glad we're past those water rationing days. 

====================

Update: 530 liao. 

STILL NO WATER??!!

====================

Update: 7:00pm

Water finally came back. Had to run the taps for awhile as there were sediments and water was slightly brown/yellow. Even the water in the toilet bowls were tinged with brown....

深呼吸

My patience level is decreasing day by day. 

At home, dealing with a pre-teen who is testing boundaries and trying to counter everything I say or do.

At work, dealing with blur colleagues, staff, vendors, and dealing with people who are either trying to become taiji or arrow masters, and dealing with some people who 过河拆桥...

One of today's situations:

Me: Pls try PDF-ing 26 or 27 Feb registrations to see if it works. 

E: Ok, here's the PDF of 29 Feb registrations. 

WAH LAU EH. 

Which part of "26 or 27 Feb" do you not understand???

Laoniang 不行了...总有一天 I will explode at one of these folks. 

Big Auntie

There's only 1 reason why...

My lower back hurts

My thighs are aching

My abdomen is cramping up

My tears come so easily these 2-3 days

I felt so lethargic on 2 days last week

I had a breakout 

My weight increased slightly (yay!)

Of Locked Drawers....and Life

Mum pulled me aside on Saturday evening. 

Spent 15-20mins telling & showing me her 2 locked drawers and roughly shared with me their contents, some history & background, where her keys are kept, etc. 

Seems I'm the only one who "knows" for now, and she doesn't intend to inform anyone else. Don't know how to feel about this. 

At times like this too...you know your mum is aware of her age and my dad's age and the clock ticking...and you just listen but don't say too much about anything...and then you start thinking of your own life too and what to make of it so far...and what more to make out of it in the near (and far) future....

Will my life be summarised into 2 locked drawers and a mindful of memories as well? What will I leave behind Who have I impacted? What have I done?

不过，putting it another way...光想有舍屁用 lol...

Ache

Ok laoniang's body is probably abit 慢拍....

Right arm is aching more today after the "basketball" and other "throw ball" sessions on Wednesday afternoon. Lol...

Tummy feels more chui today also.

Teambuilding day

T'was a good day. 

Though I couldn't eat at least 3 or 4 dishes out of the entire Chinese 8-course lunch set, the company more than made up for it. I'm glad to have nice & fun colleagues. 

Teambuilding at Timezone Orchard was fun too. I didn't play many games but learnt some things along the way....no one said so but it's just in hindsight and after observing others....

"Heck, just try."

"Let loose once in awhile. Why should you care who is watching?"

"Grow some (invisible) balls"

Right arm might be slightly sore tomorrow from playing the basketball game...but I think K would be a little proud of me. I did put in some nice shots haha. ;p 

And I took the train home from Orchard to Paya Lebar, then switched to the feeder bus. Woot! Thought I'd be nervous out of my mind but I did it! Maybe having some colleagues around for the first 10-15mins helped to distract me from pulling myself down. 

Unstoppable - Sia

One of those "fight" songs that stirs me up. 

================

All smiles, I know what it takes to fool this town

I'll do it 'til the sun goes down
And all through the nighttime
Oh, yeah
Oh, yeah, I'll tell you what you wanna hear
Leave my sunglasses on while I shed a tear
It's never the right time
Yeah, yeah

I put my armor on, show you how strong I am
I put my armor on, I'll show you that I am

I'm unstoppable
I'm a Porsche with no brakes
I'm invincible
Yeah, I win every single game
I'm so powerful
I don't need batteries to play
I'm so confident
Yeah, I'm unstoppable today

Unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
I'm unstoppable today

Break down, only alone I will cry out loud
You'll never see what's hiding out
Hiding out deep down
Yeah, yeah
I know, I've heard that to let your feelings show
Is the only way to make friendships grow
But I'm too afraid now
Yeah, yeah

I put my armor on, show you how strong I am
I put my armor on, I'll show you that I am

I'm unstoppable
I'm a Porsche with no brakes
I'm invincible
Yeah, I win every single game
I'm so powerful
I don't need batteries to play
I'm so confident
Yeah, I'm unstoppable today

Unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
I'm unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
I'm unstoppable today

I put my armor on, show you how strong I am
I put my armor on, I'll show you that I am

I'm unstoppable
I'm a Porsche with no brakes
I'm invincible
Yeah, I win every single game
I'm so powerful
I don't need batteries to play
I'm so confident
Yeah, I'm unstoppable today

Unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
I'm unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
I'm unstoppable today

C-fied

Laoniang is morphing into the C-world. Slowly. 

Started with the Chinese reality dating shows. And now with some dramas. :) 

Jiayou

Irritable mood over the last 3 days. Very irritable.

Irked by work. 

Irked by folks who taiji alot. 

Irked by folks who seem to think they know about parenting when they don't even have kids. 

Mostly irked by work, which is not even in my job scope but was arrowed to do by TY who has since left the organisation. Stuck with this thing which was supposed to be a 3-month assignment. It's now been 9 months and counting. 

Abit 心理不平衡

Trying to control myself and come to terms with things as I have for the last few months. 

Getting increasingly difficult. 

Jiayou mama. You can do this. 

Reminder to Self

Don't be too enthusiastic with the squats and calf and knee physio exercises when you know you're going for a walk the next morning. 

Pantry conversation

Morning chat at the pantry sink. 

Kelly: Wah lau I feel like retiring but must still tahan cos my youngest only having A-levels this year 

Shella: Chey, my youngest only 13 lor...I have to tahan longer. 

Me: -_-  my youngest still in primary school lor....you say leh??!!! And I am more or less around the same age as you both lor!!

Incompetence? Nonchalance?

Losing patience with a colleague. 

She's joined us for a year but is clueless half the time. Does things in a haphazard manner, very careless, and tries to smoke her way. 

Because of her, I had to apologise to a partner of ours last night. Even though it wasn't my fault, and I had no idea she sent an email out, and I had no idea she didn't clear the email content with my boss. But cos that partner knows me the longest, he reached out to me and ranted a little. Service recovery had to be done. 

I don't know how many times I've discovered her mistakes. I don't know how many times I've highlighted to her to be careful. 

I hope today I can take deep breaths and weed her out of my mind and work. Taking up too much space & energy since last night. 

If this continues, I may blow up at her one day. 

Boss & I arranged to chat about this when he gets back from his overseas work trip. My guess is the earliest will only be early next week. 

Ok, breathe....let it go first. 

There is another major meeting this Thursday to focus on first.....

Muttering

Besides the daily motivational self-talk that I try to have to prep myself for the day ahead, I find myself talking alot more to myself these days. 

I mutter to myself under my breath. I nag, complain, remind myself of things to do, or talk through the process/steps of what I'm about to do or need to do. Sometimes I talk to guide my thoughts, whether on work stuff or personal things.

Maybe talking verbalises my thoughts and clears my mind better. Allows me to vent off some steam as well sometimes. 

I dunno. 

Externalising my inner monologue?

Do people do this when they get older? 

老了. Cham.

Bleah

Rougher time at work over the last 2-3 weeks. Plus CNY preparations. Plus Nadya's camp preparations.

There was a whole week where I didn't notice that I'd neglected the plants and....

The Orange Jasmine murrata mini bonsai went kaput. Totally dried up. Though I'm not sure how it happened as Alyssa did help to mist & water the plants. Quite sad about it....but in her words "Just buy another one lah Mama!"....we'll see how, it was a nice one, tall, thin & straight with the top like a mini mushroomy ball. 

The Venus flytrap also suffered. about 7 to 8 traps started turning black and dying off.....I hope the remaining few survives enough for the plant to grow new traps. 

On a valiant attempt to rescue it now since the murrata is a gone-case situation. 

Chinese

Been catching Chinese variety shows on and off over the last few years and more in the past year or so. Wonder if it improved my spoken Mandarin or not...hmm. 

It's a lovely language.
Don't know how to describe it. How different words can be combined together to provide a certain feel. 

===========================

Anyway, N's been "invited" to attend Chinese curriculum support. It's only week 3 of the new school term. In the teacher's words "It's to encourage the child to improve". In most kids' mind, it means "I'm not good enough in this subject and that's why I need curriculum support." 

K spoke to the teacher and came away not feeling too happy about things. She couldn't fully articulate why N was shortlisted and whether N's standard was really that lacking. Felt very arbitrary to us. We are perplexed. The teacher mentioned her score for the year-end exams last year. She scored 81 leh?! Above 80 & still selected for curriculum support? 

We don't get it. 6 in her class have to attend these curriculum support lessons for Chinese. Means what? only these 6 scored below a certain mark? Means what? 80% of her class scored 85 or 90 & above meh? 

The teacher also told K "If you think she has many other committments and cannot attend the support lessons, it's also ok. She can skip." Err....then why have the support lessons in the first place? Messaging seems disjointed. 

Anyway, water under the bridge also. Don't think it's something we can opt out of. She'll just have to bite the bullet and go through with it. Luckily the lessons seem to average out only once a month and it's just for 45mins. (Which begs the question.....once a month at 45mins each lesson....enough to provide additional support to a child?)

病了

Felt off on Tuesday night while sleeping...nose stuck, woke twice, once feeling cold and once feeling warm. 

Was ok when I woke. Went to office. 

Got home in the late afternoon and felt feverish. 

By dinner time I was 38C and achey. 

The show must go on...things still need to be settled....system go-live date is something we cannot change

Laoniang 累了

Sibei Zuay Ming Gia Zoh.....

I can only suck it up and try to keep moving forward. 

My team is down by 2 pax and we're dealing with 2 folks from other teams who are draining our patience and energy. 

Ganbatte to Val & I...!!!

Piangzz

is when

you only realise at the end of the day when you get home from work....

that in the morning, you forgot to

blend in that blob of concealer you slapped on a zit on your forehead

and you threw powder foundation over it...

which made it cake up a little.

and so you were walking around the entire day with that small cakey patch on your forehead

maybe no one noticed

I hope no one noticed haha

But the girls did

When I got home and sat down at the dining table with them...

That was the first thing they pointed out to me. 

note to self: be more awake in the morning

Reminder to Self

Growth Mindset

Growth Mindset

Growth Mindset

View challenges as opportunities and learning experiences

I can't do it...yet. But I will learn how to and eventually I will be able to.

Keep going. 

大姨妈

Confirm Big Auntie coming. Just don't know when. 

Bloating, soreness, tummy ache and....I'm tearing while sitting at my office desk. Emo like shit lol. 

18 Jan

We had a video call with her as usual around 7plus SG time (10-plus Sydney time). She was abit more emotional compared to past evenings and seemed a little down. I guess tiredness and homesickness were kicking in. 

She teared up abit in the midst of our call but perked up slightly when we distracted her with questions about her day, what street food she had when they went exploring a "night market" area, etc.

I guess the excitement in the first couple of days was wearing off already lol. 

Firsts

13 Jan night. K, Peanut & I were at the airport at night to send Nadya off on her dance training trip. It's her first trip abroad without us. I was excited but also apprehensive/worried.

I only found out at the airport that there were only 6 girls going and all were her peers i.e. all of them are in P5 this year. 

Sunday was a day of excitement and nerves as all parents waited for updates from the girls. We were all in a group chat and updates started trickling in in the late morning. That they arrived safe & sound, that they were on the way to the serviced apartment, that they were going to head out for a meal and to the supermarket, etc.

We didn't hear a peep from N though lol. I was a little disappointed and thought she forgot to update us. Lo & behold at 5pm SG time, 8pm Sydney time (i.e. 7 hours after they arrived), a whole bunch of texts  and photos suddenly flooded our family WA chat group. Things like "Landed!" and "On the way to apartment!" came in...so she did update us! Just that the texts were somehow delayed for a loooong time. 

We've managed to have video calls with her each night so far. Said she was homesick yesterday morning and felt like crying. Hugsss little girl...you can do it!!

Spent close to an hour last evening on a video call with her. Her luggage's built-in combination lock couldn't be opened. It was somehow jammed up. K guided her teacher to no avail. Finally, the both of them decided to cut through the lock. He gave tips & pointers virtually, and the teacher used her Swiss Army knife to cut through some of the lock's mechanism. Kudos to her for managing to do so!! Really thankful.

It was an old old luggage but one that K treasured. No choice....

So now she's got no luggage to bring back. The teacher will try to get a duffel bag for her with a manual padlock. We'll see how it goes.