The Untitled Poem

You don't know it little one
But Mama is starting to miss the days when you were even more little
The heady smell of your newborn skin
The creases and wrinkles in those first weeks after you came crying and fist-punching into this world
The thick fuzz you had on your head
The big unfocused eyes you had then
The way your head turned to me when you caught a whiff of my smell
And of course....your tiny fingers and toes 

You don't know it little one
But Mama is wondering why you are growing so fast
Where did all the time go? Can it slow down a little?
One minute you're helpless on your back
The next minute you're on your tummy already
One minute you're stuck in the same spot
The next minute you're leopard crawling all over the place
And of course....now you're walking all around

You don't know it little one
But Mama wishes she could keep each and every memory of you etched deeply into her mind
Your first smile, your first gurgle
Your first flip onto your tummy
Your first expression when you first tasted solid food
Your first babble, your first real word
Your first crawl, your first step
And of course, your first hug to me and your first utterance of "MaMa"

You don't know it little one
But Mama is afraid and unsure sometimes
Am I doing the right things?
What more should I do, can I do?
Am I doing enough?

Are we making the right decisions?

Are we teaching you right?
And of course, what if I turn out to be a terrible mother?

You don't know it little one

But Mama loves you so so much

And of course, you're living in her heart.

=======

Inspired.

By an article I read from another mother. 

I can't give credits because I've forgotten where that article appeared in. 

Comment: This was written and posted a year back in August 2014. I have NO IDEA how it came to be republished today in Aug 2015. So strange.....

Mid-day musings

I think I have not handled 2015 very well so far.

The early months were spent grappling with getting a rhythm in our lives in our own home and figuring out how to engage Little Baby more in her meals and development. Weekends were spent cooking and doing chores and looking after Little Baby. It did not feel to me like as if we had much freedom or social life.

And then later on, it seemed to me that I spent most of my time just trying to keep my head afloat and above water. Frantic paddling of feet underneath the water's surface. Juggling work, Little Baby and a burgeoning belly. It did not help that for the period of April, May, June and July, she fell sick once a month. I used up quite abit of both my annual leave and childcare leave during this time.

Then there was the period from May till July when I was trying to settle issues related to getting a helper in and then doing onboarding for her.

Plus my medical check-ups every now and then. zzz.

If 2014 had its challenges, then 2015 is somewhat comparable too haha.

There are definitely also good and happy times.

Just wondering what can be done to revamp our humdrum lifestyle a little so we can inject abit more fun and excitement into it. Glad we did things like bring her to the beach and eat breakfast at Starbucks at ECP haha. And glad we brought her out for brunch at The Bank a few months back too.

Of course, maybe any changes to be tried and implemented could only come after Peanut is out and after I have recovered from my csec.

Food for thought.
Food for thought.

fml

For the life of me, I simply cannot cross my legs in the lady-like way anymore i.e.  with thighs overlapping each other.

I can only place my left foot over my right thigh i.e. doing it the men's way.

And it makes for pretty uncomfortable positions in office lol. My bum hurts after a day in the office.

Factoid of the Day

My mum was sharing this with me the other day.

She was having lunch at Tampines Mall. My Dad was at the gents. Next to their table in the foodcourt was seated a mother and her toddler daughter.

My mum, being the auntie that she is, was curious and started observing the little girl.

And being the auntie that she is, she started a conversation with the mother. Turned out that the girl was around Little Baby's age. At 20 months, she's around 2-3 months younger than Little Baby.

My mum mentioned to the younger mother that her daughter had a nice almost full set of teeth, vis-a-vis Little Baby who is till now only sporting just 8 teeth. The younger lady told my mum that her daughter was refusing to speak though and only says some words like "milk", "mama" and "dada". In response, my mum told her Little Baby was chatty and talkative although she is trying to pronounce words well enough.

The lady said, "Oh yes, babies whose teeth pop out earlier and fuller will end up being late bloomers in speech. And those whose teeth take a longer time to pop out will end up speaking much earlier and better!"

So there you go, factoid of the day.

Or old wives' tale of the day? Hmm. :)
My mother had never ever heard of this before haha. Neither have I.

Suddenly

Time has a way of suddenly popping up in your face and telling you that Dday is near. Be it school or work project timelines, wedding dates, etc....and of course, pregnancy delivery dates.

Suddenly, there are only 4 weeks left. 

Jitter. Jittery. Jitters!

Still some more things to be done before I feel more ready.
Still at least 2-3 more gynae visits before D-day.

Breathe...

thoughts of...granny

Woke with tired eyes and a stuffy nose this morning.

Mainly because I bawled hard for a good 5-10mins yesterday. I was re-reading an old blog post I made last April, about the day my granny left us.

There were other subsequent posts relating to the proceedings for her wake but I decided not to read them. Otherwise I would have been bawling for more than that amount of time.

On hindsight, I can only conclude that either I was already feeling emo, or that I am a writing maestro and my written words were simply too fantastic and powerful and could evoke such strong feelings in someone.

I choose the latter. Hehe :p

Sun shiny day

"It's gonna be a bright, bright, sun-shiny day!"

Got onto the cab earlier on and Kiss 92FM was playing this song. 

Awesome start to the day. :) 

Definitely perked up my zombified self somewhat. Why am I zombified? Cos Little Baby woke at 12am, 130am and then 530am....zzzzzz. She had a heavy dinner and we had initially thought that we would be having a smooth night ahead of us. Guess we were wrong...

Anyway, Jiayou to both K and I!!

FB Memory Feature

FB has this new feature where it shows you your previous posts made on the same day in past years. 

So nostalgic and sentimental. Perfect feature for me. 

A short look back into the past. To remind you somewhat, of where you came from, how things and people have changed from then till now, and how much you have traversed in body, mind and spirit within that few years. 

Taking some stock too. 

Like? Don't like?

She had her first taste of durian today. It wasn't from an actual durian fruit but it was close enough. She was licking and chewing on a piece of Mao Shan Wang durian snow skin mooncake from Goodwood Park Hotel.

She gave a cringey look but continued licking and nibbling anyway. And son after she rejected it lol. Not sure if she liked it or not. 

Photos for posterity! 

Male chivalry

Popped by Opera Estate's Baker & Cook branch for breakfast this morning again. A convenient place to head to since they are open for business very early. Before we discovered them, we only had MacDonalds as an option.

Left the place after a happy meal or croissants, scrambled eggs, ham and cheese. Kyne was carrying N and had gone out first. I, being the slow and shuffling one now, was trailing far behind and by the time I reached the exit, the door had already closed. I reached out to push open the door and was then pleasantly surprised when a Caucasian guy popped out of nowhere to help me open the door. 

I said a big thank you. Felt totally grateful and appreciative of his gesture. If the cafe had been full of local guys, I doubt any of them would do it. (Ok, K begged to differ though haha) 

Anyway, thank you sir. For helping me with the door. And for putting a smile on my face so early in the morning. 

Counting Down

Approaching 34 weeks.Time really flies.

While most of the pregnancy has been relatively smooth and manageable compared to when I was having Little Baby, I didn't count on feeling much much heavier (and more breathless) in my last 2 months of pregnancy this time round.

Pelvic pressure is building. There are days when I walk awkwardly due to aches in my loins and at the thigh joints. The belly seems mighty heavy too.

And since around 2-3 weeks ago, there are days when Peanut seems intent on sucker-punching me form the inside once every few minutes till I feel winded. She must be having a ball of a time stretching, kicking, somersaulting, and basically trying out every conceivable gymnastic and pugilistic trick in the book. She stretched me so much last night with a mighty kick that I instinctively sucked in my breath in shock.

I hope she doesn't turn out to be as feisty and stubborn as her older sister haha.

The jitters have been on the rise. Yes, even though this is my second pregnancy, I am still feeling the jitters. 

Praying for a smooth csec delivery and a smooth recovery after that as well.
Praying for a smooth time in nursing Peanut.
Praying for sufficient rest.
Praying for a compliant, cooperative and understanding Nadya during the time of my confinement too....

Praying.

Hans Zimmer

Hans Zimmer accompanies me this morning...what an exceptional composer.

His pieces conjures up tonnes of emotions...

Inspiring, haunting, scary, uplifting, soothing, loving, you name it....

Currently in love with the following:

• "Gortoz a Ran" from Black Hawk Down (all time fav since a long time back)
• "Chevaliers de Sangreal" which is the main theme song for the Da Vinci Code
• "Time" from Inception 
• "The Way of the Sword" from The Last Samurai

Pls explain

I simply do not understand.

How does one BLATANTLY claim to be busy and have a big workload.

And still also have time to BLATANTLY read newspapers everyday at her desk?

Please explain to me.

I am too dumb to understand how such a contradictory situation can occur.

Conversations with a 22-month old Toddler

Scene: She stole my pillow. I was trying to take it back. We were both holding onto separate ends of my pillow.

Me: That's Mama's pillow. Can you give it back to me please?
N: Mama! No! Let go!
Me: *stunned*
Me (thinking): where did you learn that? we only ever use "give it back" with you....lol.

===========
Scene: She was sitting on my bed with K. I had just taken a morning shower and was walking out of the bathroom.

N: Mama come! Sit down! Bed!
Me: Ok, coming.
N: Mama come!!!
Me (thinking): you need more patience my little one......

===========
Scene: I was lounging on her bed. She had just gotten off it and was pacing around her room looking for something.

Me: Are you looking for something sayang?
N: Dada! Book! Where Dada put the book?
N: Where? Where? Where Dada put the book?
Me: Haha...Maybe it is under your bed? Underneath your bed. (She likes the word "underneath")
N: Oh...underneath....*proceeds to peer below her bed for whatever book she was looking for.*

Work in progress

Reminds me a little of my grandmother's sarongs for her kebayas. Not those she used for daily wear but those more intricate looking ones she wore for special occasions. 

Gratitude

We were in the cab on the way to work this morning. I looked over to K's side, out through his side of the car window and unknowingly had a small smile on my face. K asked what I was smiling about. I didn't quite answer him...:)

Truth of the matter? I was just savouring the moment.....


The moment when I took a deep breath and told myself that today will be a good day, a beautiful day, a wonderful day.

The moment when I caught the morning sun's rays falling on the trees lining the side of the expressway, turning their leaves from green to bright sparkling shimmering hues of gold and yellow.

The moment when I saw the bright blue sky, way up high with small fluffy clouds of white.

The moment when everything seemed right with all stars aligned.

The moment when I felt grateful for everything I have, including my loved ones and their unwavering presence in my life. 


Yes, those were what I was smiling about......

17 August 2015

How fleeting life can be.

While I can't claim I know you very well, I think you've had a relatively well-lived life.

You've always been fun-loving, smart and loving life.
You recently graduated and got your hard-earned MBA. 
You loved and were loved in return by friends and family and Wanling.
You mostly enjoyed your work and you had the chance to travel to some places these last few years. 

I hope you didn't suffer too much in the last few weeks.
And I definitely hope that you are in a better place right now.

Rest in peace Mahesh.
I wish you well wherever you may be.

And I'm glad that Nadya had the chance to see and play with you at least twice....

Newest obsession

Colouring. In an adult colouring book. :) 

So aside from a recent obsession with buying things from Qoo10, colouring is my newest hobby. 

I love the colouring book I got. It's called "Secret Garden" by a lady named Johanna Basford. She has a full range of adult colouring books, all filled with copious amounts of lined images of flowers and plants, animals, sceneries, fantasy images, etc, 

But I hated that the online vendor "cheated" me of my Staedtler colour pencils and gave me some low quality weirdass Mexican or Spanish brand of colour pencils. 

So I need and want to get a new box of either Faber-Castell or Staedtler colour pencils. 24 colours perhaps, if the 48 colour box proves to be too expensive. :) 

.......

I had originally wanted the last few weeks before I deliver to be more relaxed and smooth-sailing.

Turns out there are various things happening that are bringing me some form of stress and frustration.

2 colleagues "choot" pattern now regarding my covering duties. It's only regarding a small matter but now I seem to have to mediate between the two when it was of no fault of mine.

There are other things happening as well.

When can I get the chance not to think about anything at all?

Gynae visit this morning

Peanut is 32 weeks along and weighing 1.7kg now. Diameter of her head is at 8cm and she has wedged herself comfortably in a corner of my tum, with her head down already and her back/spine at the left my of tum.

My blood pressure was around 94-50. A little low by a normal person's standards but according to the doc and nurses, it's oerfectly normal for a pregnant lady. Good. 

I've put on 11kg so far. Just nice I think, considering I've about 6 more weeks to go.

The doc asked if there were 10kicks in a day. I told him it was uncountable, definitely more than 10kicks in a day lol. 

And he has also confirmed that Peanut's a girl. :) I'll have 2 princesses! More hair to play with too haha. 

And so I've also spoken to the doc and he (bless him) will be granting me a 2-week MC before the date of my csec. Which means my last day at work will be 4 Sept. 

With that I can safely put into action my leave clearance plan with my company. Good. 

Her Speech

I'm pretty stoked that Little Baby is speaking quite abit. I don't know if other kids are doing the same but I'm just rather proud of her haha.

Some examples of stuff she has said so far...

• Mama come, draw.
• Mama read the book.
• Nana feed horse, carrots. 
• Dada help Nana feed horse, carrots

And I just realised she can count from 1 to 10 in Mandarin! And that she actually knows a fair bit of Mandarin words and phrases as well like 大象， 牛奶， 睡觉，要不要，好不好，臭臭....etc.....

Proud mama...haha.

random thoughts

忍一时风平浪静
退一步海阔天空
有进的时候
也有退的时候

风筝的线
有时该拉紧 
有时也该放松一些
好让它飞得更高更远更久

Preps

Booties, socks and mittens see sunlight again after 2 years hidden away in a box. 

Today

It was a little scary. To have felt so out of sorts and out of breath this morning in office.

I'd taken the bus and trudged the 800m or so to the office building. I had to sit down when I reached the basement carpark. And I did, for a good 10mins. I could feel my heart pumping furiously. My heart rate was averaging 92 or so a minute. (Yes I physically felt for my pulse and counted it)

When I thought I could make the final "trek" up to my office, I did so slowly. By the time I reached my desk, I couldn't talk. Breathless and nauseous. A colleague came to speak to me but I could only stare at her a little and wave her off. I couldn't even muster a smile. I felt like if I'd moved my lips at all, bile would come spewing forth. I'm glad she understood that I was not dissing her and that I was feeling unwell. 

I thought I was feeling that way because I'd not taken breakfast yet and so I dredged up some strength to pluck my sandwich from my bag and started munching on it. The bread only helped a little. 

I was sitting there, half reading emails, half surfing the net and all the time trying to get my breath back. It was a good hour or so before I could talk some bit. By then I'd already half decided to grab a cab home. PQ happened to text me at that moment and she told me to go home too. 

I slept much today. An hour plus during lunch time and another hour plus before dinner. 

It is night now and while I am better, I am still actually feeling quite tired and rather bushed. The nausea has dissipated but it comes and goes. 

I didn't interact much with Little Baby tonight. Mainly because I lacked the energy to. She had clung on to me like a koala bear when my father-in-law and helper first brought her home. Apparently, she'd thought I was waiting for her in the car when they brought her out of my in-laws' house but when she discovered that I was not in the car at all, she kicked up a big fuss and wailed all the way on the journey home. When they reached my place, she was quiet and subdued in my father-in-law's arms. It was obvious she's been crying and was still visibly upset. Spent a good 15 quiet minutes soothing her before she became her normal mischievous self again. 

I hope I'll be better tomorrow. 

Of transitions and......sleep.....and thoughts......

We had been wanting to transition Little Baby from her cot to her new bed for quite awhile but didn't get a chance to get round to it.

2 nights ago, in the middle of the night, she woke up feeling unwell and upset. She was cranky and looked to me to carry and comfort her. Being the whale that I am now, I couldn't carry her for long and chose to sit on the edge of her new bed instead, while hugging her in my arms. It soothed her for only a little while before she started fussing again. I was bushed and ended up placing her on her new bed while my mind frantically thought of ways to soothe her.

I started singing her favourite song (Wheels on the Bus) softly and patting her. Miraculously, she fell back to sleep. Right there on her new bed.

And so, that was how we started her transition.

I am glad she took to sleeping in her bed well enough. No refusals or anything. Although she does get distracted by the realisation that she has more freedom now and can climb down from the bed anytime she wants to. :)

===============

It had been a different night last night. She had been an energiser bunny who kept going till 1015pm. She usually sleeps around 830 or 9pm.

When she finally fell asleep, I was tired. So I just sat next to her bed for a breather and stared at her...

She was in her favourite sleeping position, on her side, with one arm wrapped around her bolster and that same little hand clutching a small red teddy bear my Mum had bought for her from Korea. Her fluffy hair spilled out behind her head, with small clumps of it stuck to her exposed cheek and wisps of it trailing her forehead. Her knees were bent and apart but further down her little feet met up again,little toes of one foot touching the other's heel ever so lightly. She slowly fell into a steady rhythmic breathing, her body moving slightly with each breath intake.

I continued looking at her.

When did my little puffball morph into something more like a little person?

She's even sleeping in her own bed now. No longer using a baby's cot. Maybe in a year's time she'll no longer be using diapers.

She is articulating her needs and voicing her thoughts to us now. And also describing stories to us now. At least to the best she can while limited by her vocabulary and lack of grammar.

She's growing up fast. Too fast.

While I am excited at her growing up and also her learning journey, I can't help but also feel some loss.

Her baby fats are melting away slowly. Everyday she is getting older, everyday she is less of a baby and more of a toddler, a child, a little person.

Do all parents feel this way? :)

Long Night

Expected it.

And expected that I would also need to try to find a way to carry her such that it wouldn't hurt my back or Peanut nestled in me. 

Just went through an hour long episode with her. I'm beat. I've put on 11kg so far, plus her current 11.5kg that's 22.5kg in total. 

Hope she gets well soon.

Her falling sick once a month for the last 4 months is extremely worrying. Sigh. 

Jiayou Little Baby. 

Mama will Jiayou with you too....

Birthday Celebration Preparations!

Since Little Baby's birthday will coincide with the time I am in confinement, I decided to hold her birthday celebration in school 2 months earlier lol.

Preps are underway and going well. All I need to do is to order the cupcakes. 

Goodie bags just arrived today and I added boxes of raisins to them. Snacks for her friends. Why do kids like raisins Ah? Lol....

Of online shopping, Terrariums & Gardening!

Been on a roll recently.

The amount of things I've ordered from Qoo10!

I cannot resist buying things related to terrarium building. I just discovered a local seller on Qoo10 who is carrying the most comprehensive terrarium-related paraphernalia and tools I can find in Singapore. I went a little bonkers and bought numerous items from her.

Only thing now is...how to find time to do up terrariums ah? Lol...I still have terrarium holders (glass ones) from previous purchases which are lying empty and have not been filled with love and plants yet.

Now that we're getting our own table and chairs for our own balcony (like finally after a whole year!!!), I think I shall put that table to good use! :)

Terrarium making akan datang!

And also, now that we're doing up our balcony finally, I think I need to start populating it with some pots and plants and maybe some of my open-air terrariums...:)
Otherwise the balcony will just look so drab and lifeless....some greenery will do it good. :)

Yay!
Something to look forward to!

Now....all I need is to find the time......

Hmm.....

That's um....challenging......

Hopefully I get to do some of these before Peanut arrives.

And hopefully also during my maternity leave.....

Earlier this morning :))

Reminder to Self

She is young only this once.

Tomorrow, she is one day older.
Tomorrow, today's moment has passed.

Be present.
Be thankful.
Be content.

I am her go-to person now...
When Dada scolds, she bawls, screams for "mama!" and runs to me.
A hug and a kiss and a stroke of her head and she feels better.

She then scurries away again.
In search of her drawing or musical or cuddly wiggly toys.
Or she searches for her Dada again, in spite of having rejected and pushed him away just minutes before.

I am grateful.
I am in love.
And I am still amazed at how K and I created this lovely little girl.

She can be a hard, stubborn and spirited nut at times.
A small but powerful ball of flailing, kicking limbs and screaming, screeching lungs.
A force to reckon with.

It's at times like these when we get tried and tested.
In all our tiredness and sleep-deprived state.
Our patience, our stamina, our grit, stretched and pulled in every direction possible.

Tempers flare, egos get trampled upon, sensitivities and mindfulness go out the window.
But we have to pause and breathe.
And we have to remind ourselves that.

She is young only this once.
Tomorrow, she is one day older.
Tomorrow, today's moment has passed.

I feel proud.
I feel happy.
I feel excited.

To see her grow.
To see her smile and run around.
To see her learn and explore and test the world around her.

I take heart in knowing that she finds comfort in my presence.
In knowing that she thinks of mama when she feels upset.
And in knowing that I am able to hold her close and cuddle her and offer her comfort and security.

Who knows how long this will last?
There will come one day when she will go to her Dada instead.
Or her friends, or her boyfriend, or ......

And so.
Be present, thankful and content.
Yes.

She is young only this once.
Tomorrow, she is one day older.
Tomorrow, today's moment has passed.

Today's Checkup

A combination of drinking less water and eating a lot more chocolate KitKat and Chips Ahoy cookies and drinking more NutriTea beverages has led to me having a higher level of sugar in my urine.

As evidenced by my health checkup today at the gynae's. 

My sugar level is usually pristine, as is my blood pressure. 

Anyway, the gynae waved off the results with a nonchalant hand but the nurse told me to drink more water. 

Note to self: 

Cut down on the Chips Ahoy chocolate cookies and the KitKat!

Drink less NutriTea! (For this I blame K for introducing their beverage products to me lol) 

Proud Mama

Little baby suddenly started mouthing off a whole string of words a few nights ago. And then I realised...those were the lyrics of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star". She recited the entire song!

Ok, so she was relatively out of tune and she mangled up some words......But still! She recited the entire song!

Proud of her....

So, at 21 months:

• She can rote-count from 1 to 10
• She can recite the full lyrics of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star
• And fill in the lyrics to some other nursery songs and rhymes like Humpty Dumpty, The Wheels on the Bus, Row Your Boat, Old MacDonald, etc...
• She can speak in 3 or 4-word sentences...
• She pretty much understands what we are saying most of the time
• Her active word usage seems to be in the 80-100 word range now
• She can say her "please" and "thank yous", although she needs to be prompted to do so 
• While she's not so keen on the alphabet, she can fill in some of the blanks when we sing the song for her 

I don't know if this is considered progressing normally or what.
I'm just happy she's learning and progressing! :)

Feeling

A little frustrated and restless.

Many things to do and consider and plan. And errands to run. And yet I don't feel like doing anything. 

Can't put a finger on it. 

Doesn't help that I am getting the "restless leg syndrome" quite often these days. It gets uncomfortable and irksome. A creepy-crawly niggling sensation in my upper arms, deep within the bones and muscles. It's hard to describe. Stretching helps alleviate the sensations for only a short while before they start again. 

Badly need a haircut. Horrible split ends. And it's reaching my lower back. Need to chop it before Peanut arrives. I've been trying to find the chance to. 

Been having nightmares and other unpleasant dreams over the last couple of nights as well. Even though Little Baby miraculously slept through last night, I feel as if I've only had snippets of rest. I don't remember any of the dreams. Except one involved a whole bunch of Rohingyas, the ostracised race and culture which has been in the news recently. And another dream had myself featured in it. I was a bad-ass in it. With a hugeass tribal tattoo covering my left shoulder. (like ???!!)

Need to do this and that and make sure things are settled soon. 

Too many things floating around in my mind. It's getting convoluted and disorganized. 

Many I should sit myself down and write it all down. 

To do up a to-do list is on my to-do list. 

Makes sense? 

是有那么一点点pek chek. 

Suck thumb. 

Try my best. 

Whatever. 

Ganbatte.

Yes, jiayou!

Local Youtubers

This is probably something few of my friends are in touch with. Or maybe I am just making an assumption. :)

I am loving our local youtubing scene these days. Getting quite vibrant and creative. Check these people out if you have the chance to....

Night Owl Cinematics
Wah Bananas
Eden Ang
Tosh Zhang
TreePotatoes
Gentle Bones (his songs are really good...and I only just discovered him...)

and the list goes on...

Once you start on a channel...you start to realise they are actually a pretty close-knit group supporting each other....and then you find out that there's more and more of them....

Some individuals in the above organisations have their own individual channels which are pretty good too....

A Poem. Of Sorts.

Prata craving.
Prata craving.
Prata craving.

Chips Ahoy craving.
Chips Ahoy craving.
Chips Ahoy craving.

Shepherd's pie craving.
Shepherd's pie craving.
Shepherd's pie craving.

嘴巴痒
嘴巴痒
嘴巴痒

Ed the Buddy

I've known Ed since 1999 when we were were freshmen in uni. Somehow we ended up in the same hostel. Somehow we clicked. Somehow we ended up in the same 1st year business tutorial classes. Somehow we both ended up majoring in Marketing. And somehow we ended up being Final Year Project mates.

A lot of somehows haha. Fated to be friends I guess.

I remember the time he accompanied me in a campus security car to identify some Bangladeshi worker from a lineup of suspects. That worker had flashed at me twice on separate occasions. -_-''

I remember the times when we skipped lectures to sip milo in the school canteen.

I remember all the times I was his Aunt Agony. For all his relationship woes and tribulations. Till now actually hahaha.

We didn't keep in touch frequently after we graduated but our friendship was one that was strong enough to withstand long periods of non-communication haha. He spent 4 years working overseas and we hardly communicated during that time. Yet we are still good friends now.

We've even more in common now that his son is just 6 weeks younger than Little Baby.

He popped by my office for lunch earlier on and I had a good 2hour lunch with him. Going over things like kids and jobs, to parents and in-laws and cultural differences (his wife is non-local).

Thankful for having him as a friend. :)
One of those friends where things just pick from where we left off previously without missing a single beat.

Where did the time go?

Someone asked me this morning when I was going to start my maternity leave.
I replied that it should be around mid-September.

And then it hit me.

Damn, that's only like 2months and a week more to go....

OMG.

Only 8-9 weeks left to start of ML and maybe 10-11 weeks left before delivery.

ZOMG.

Open Letter 2

Dear Peanut,

Till now we are still not 100% sure you are a girl. It's an 80% chance and we were sticking with that till recently when some aunties seemed so sure that you were a boy based on the shape of Mama's tummy.

Girl or boy. I just want you to know that Mama and Dada love you loads.

You were growing fast in the initial months and seemed to have slowed down later on. Recently though, you seem to have picked up pace again. Mama really feels quite stretched and bloated now even though there is slightly less than 3 more months to go. Mama is also becoming more clumsy and walking into door frames and such.

You are an active kicker like your jie jie. Mama hopes you will cooperate abit more though....and not kick or punch or attempt any pugilistic moves when Mama is sleeping or trying to get to sleep.

Please grow well sayang.
Till here for now.....


Love,
Mama

Open Letter

Dear Little Baby,

Mama is very sorry to put you through this. It breaks our hearts to see you cry and struggle. We have no choice but to hold you down and give you your medication. Otherwise how would you get better?

We really hope that you could take your medication like how you used to - one big gulp from the teaspoon. And that's it, one simple mouthful followed by water to cleanse your palate.....

Mama really hopes that you will get well quickly. Let's jiayou together ok....


We love you.....
Mama

Midnight thoughts

If you can't be at your most honest and truest even in front of your closest, then what gives? 

Words. Depends on how you use them. They can be a salve but they can also cut you deep. Different words can still convey the same meaning and deliver the same intent. 

It's late. Unsettled. Tired and somewhat still a little sick. But unable to fall asleep as easily as other days. 

Bite the bullet. 

Oh there you go, found a neutral phrase.

Rivulets

... ... ... ...

Packing time

Packing her older clothes away again. Those that she has outgrown over the last 6months. I've never had the time to do it till now when I'm on MC.

*sniff* 

Her socks used to be so small! And her undies were so tiny! And and and ....

:( 

Little baby you are growing up too fast...

Upset

Does it bother me that people don't think I'm trying my best?
Of course it does.
Because it undermines my efforts.

Does it bother me that people think I am pulling a fast one?
Of course it does.
Because it invalidates me.

Shouldn't it suffice that I know myself that I am doing what I can?
Perhaps it should.
But it does get to me still.

======
Still, I will only allow myself to mope over this for a short while.
Then I'll bury it somewhere.

Might not be a good idea to sweep it under the carpet.
Dust balls can and do grow organically over time.

But it will suffice for now.
For I do not have the energy and strength to deal with it now.

tuesday morning snippets

3 to 4 consecutive nights of crankiness, grouchiness and constant waking.
I have already not been performing at my best at work....It's no wonder I am even more lacking now.

Totally zombiefied. All I wanna do is to curl up in bed and sleep for 6 or 7 hours straight.

==========
I hope N gets well soon. And that her fever breaks and stays away permanently.

I hope her nose clears up quickly. The mucus seems to be perpetually flowing non-stop. Thick and viscous at times, watery at other times.

I hope her phelghmy cough clears up when her nose clears up. 

I hope...I hope...I hope.

==========
心酸 again this morning.

I had to leave for work. I passed her to K. She didn't like it and started bawling and screaming and calling out for "MAMA!! MAMA MAMA!!!!!"

That red sweaty, snot and tear-stained face...:( Hair plastered to her forehead, eyes and face squished and contorted from crying.

Sigh...

==========
Jiayou to K....

Jiayou to Little Baby....

Jiayou to me....

Heartbreak

Is when your daughter is screaming and crying for you in her father's arms. She's red-faced with tears and snot on her face. And you have to walk ahead and away from her and wave goodbye without even giving her a kiss and a hug.

Brought her to the PD this morning. K is on leave and will watch over her at home. I need to clear stuff and will need to be in office. 

And that's how it ended. Mama leaving and only giving the girl a big goodbye wave....while the girl is crying her lungs out....

:((((

Upsetting. 

i spy

It's cute really.
When you observe people who are by themselves in a restaurant or on public transport.

They naturally take out their mobile phones and start fiddling with it.
Probably either SMS-ing or Whatsapping someone else.
Or surfing Facebook.
Or taking a selfie.
Or reading other articles.
Or....
The list is endless.

What's interesting is the expressions they have on their faces.

From drone-like, stoned or spaced out looks to serious and stoic expressions to dopey grins to flat-out big smiles stretching from ear to ear. Haha.

I especially like watching those folks with dopey grins or silly smiles. 
It makes you want to smile yourself.
And it does bring a sense of happiness to you too knowing that that person is feeling happy.


I hope I am not sounding like a pervert staring or sneakily observing others.
Haha. :)

July TV galore

Looking forward to July for 2 simple reasons:

1. The Journey's 3rd instalment "The Journey: Our Homeland" will be shown on Channel 8.

2. Voice of China Season 4 will start! Jay Chou, Na Ying, Wang Feng and Harlem Yu will be the judges this season. Totally looking forward to seeing Jay Chou and Harlem Yu!

zzzzz. again...

Zombiefied.
Little Baby woke at least 5-6 times last night. I hope she's fine and I hope that she's not coming down with something. She eventually woke this morning in an extremely cranky state.

Wonder if we overloaded her senses yesterday by bringing her out twice? Hmm, I don't think it's because of that though. 

Meanwhile, I am tired. Tummy is not doing too good these few days as well. Crampy and having indigestion and some heartburn. I hope I can concentrate long enough on the tasks I set for myself today. Going through some policy documents....heavy and dry stuff....ganbatte.

I hope Little Baby sleeps better tonight......ganbatte little girl...

Zzzzzzzz

It's 240am. Peanut is wide awake and so is Mama. :(

Peanut thinks it's time for exercise and stretching. :( 

Mama just wants to go back to lala land. 

counting down??

K mentioned that it's only 3 more months to go.

Shit, I didn't realise that. And now I am getting the jitters. It's not my first time but it doesn't make it any easier.

*scared scared*

Lunchie

Had a lovely lunch with Chloe today. Picked up from where we left off in September 2012 when we last had a one-to-one meal together.

Grateful for friends like these, where conversation can be easily and comfortably picked up again, despite a long hiatus in between. Love this girl. :)

We were at Harry's and the poor girl spilled curried lamb shank gravy on her white blouse and grey shorts...Kudos to the male manage on duty who spotted the incident and brought over soda water and napkins for her to try to remove the stain.

She texted me afterwards to say that she smelt of curry haha...

 

Conversations with a 20-month old

Since she was several months younger, we taught her to say "please" if she wants something or asks for something. She's been on a roll recently and we decided to teach her some more things. We taught her to attach a person's name after the "please" and also to say "thank you" when she receives something from someone. Glad to see that she is picking it up real fast.....

This morning's conversation:

N: *blabber blabber* bed bed!  (which means she wants to get on our bed and needs help doing so)
Me: what must you say?
N: peesh!  (her word for "please")
N: mama!
Me: Ok...(lifts her up onto our bed)
Me: Mama helped you get up already. what must you say now?
N: Too Too!  (her word for "thank you")
Me: Good girl!

Planning breaks

Trying to plan when I can slot in some days of leave for a break.

Next week seems a good chance: Wed & Thurs going for medical checkups and Friday I will probably take MC from the gynae so I can get a breather and stone at home.(And I don't need to touch my leave at all heh)

Trying to plan when a staycation is possible as well. We initially wanted to do it over the Fathers' Day weekend but with our own families' Fathers' Day dinners, it seemed that weekend was not a good idea....Maybe end of the month instead? Or in early July?

I also need time to......

• go cut hair
• get trained for and take the online employers' test for hiring of a helper
• plan what else is needed to be bought or prepared for Peanut's arrival
• clear up that organically growing pile of boxes and other stuff in the corner of our bedroom
• rest myself (and maybe indulge in some pizza or pasta cooking...)

:)

Thank you Little Baby

Thank you Little Baby.

For showing Mama the little things in life that Mama would otherwise have not noticed.

That aeroplane in the sky, just a little shape against the blue backdrop, seemingly only an inch long to the naked eye. Moving ever so slowly but steadily across the sky and in and amongst the clouds. I had not even noticed before, and neither did K, in all the 10-over months we have been staying in our home, that we can actually see commercial aeroplanes flying in the distance at regular intervals, right across my bedroom windows.

That cheh-cheh sleeping in her father's arms, her tired head resting on his shoulder, her arms hanging limply by her sides. We were driving past them when Little Baby saw her and pointed her out to me.

That little ant crawling on the kitchen counter.

That two black mynahs by the roadside, hopping and pecking about in the grass. We would have driven right past it without giving a second look.

That piece of dried leaf on the ground which was fluttering about in the breeze.




Thank you Little Baby. Again.

For showing Mama that the simplest of things can bring much joy.

Drinking water when you're thirsty.

Running around in circles.

Having a blanket over your head.

Wearing shoes bigger than your feet. (And attempting to walk in them)

Giving a big sneeze.

Eating cheese sandwich.

Picking raisins off a raisin loaf.

Giving hugs.

Holding hands.

Jumping.

Rolling in bed.

............

.........

.....

...

Worry-wart

The bigger Little Baby gets, the more I am aware that I am getting older.
The older I get, the more I am aware that my parents are also getting on in years.

My Dad is turning 73 this November.

When I found out that he was going to attend the SEA Games Opening Ceremony together with my brother on Friday evening and that they were taking public transport there, I got worried and many questions flooded my mind.

Would he be able to withstand the (possibly) long hours of walking or queueing to get into the stadium?
Tens of thousands of people would be there, would it get too chaotic/warm/humid for him?
Transport to the venue shouldn't be an issue, but the transport home? Would he have trouble getting out of the stadium? Would he have trouble getting a seat on the train? Would he get too tired and breathless?
What if it was already very late by the time he got out of the stadium? Would he have to stand and wait very long to get onto a train?


I am a worry-wart. My mother as well.
I remember exchanging texts with my mother on the above questions.
Mother and daughter with furrowed brows.

At the end of the day......our worries were for naught....

Dad not only enjoyed himself alot. But he got home at 11:15pm, way earlier than I expected. He even managed a 3km walk with Adrian from the stadium to the Kallang MRT station instead of taking the train at Stadium MRT station on the Circle line, because he figured it would make more sense to take a straight train home than have to change trains somewhere along the Circle Line.

Ah, my Dad....ever young at heart. Ever energetic and excited.
An avid sportsman in his youth. I am glad to see his enthusiasm and adrenaline still going strong after all these years.

Auspicious year of the Goat?

This year seems pretty auspicious?

3 of K's close friends are getting married or planning their marriage.
1 of my close friends just got married.
Another of my close friends will be getting married in 2 months' time.

These are folks who have either been single for a long time or whom us close friends have been mildly concerned about.

And then suddenly they are getting married left, right and centre. Haha.

Happy for them!

Offering help

I did it again.

It was raining this morning, a heavy drizzle, when I got off my bus and walked to my office building. When I stopped at a traffic junction, everyone else there had their own umbrellas, except one Indian man. He was wearing a Fujitec polo T-shirt and I assumed he was working for them, perhaps as an engineer or technician.

I noticed him and wanted to offer to shelter him under my umbrella, at least for that one or two minutes while waiting for the green man to come on so we could all cross the road.

I hesitated, unsure of how to approach the man. I took a step towards him and hesitated somemore.
I sort of chickened out and by the time I came to that conclusion, the green man had already come on and the man was already preparing to run across the junction.

So there, I chickened out again. Not the first time this has happened, probably the second or third time and I still can't find the guts to approach someone to offer help.

Is it the way I was brought up? The way I was taught to mind my own business?
Is it my own personality? That shyness and hesitance and timidness?

How to have personal breakthroughs when I hold myself back and am so timid?

K would have probably said to me "Just do it."

Lunch Dates

Looking forward to my  lunch dates in the coming weeks! :)
Catching up is always nice.

TH just jioed me for lunch next week. Initiated by him for a "catch-up" session....I sense gossip and a complaint session coming up hahaha....Nevetheless I'm still happy and excited to meet him.

And I'm having lunch with Chloe the week after next. It'll be the first time I'm seeing her since our last meal 1.5years ago! Looking forward! I told her she would have to update me on EVERYTHING that has happened in the last 1.5years haha.

So so forgetful these days

Went downstairs from the office to the 7-11 store to buy bread and had originally intended to withdraw some cash from the ATM next door.

After buying bread, my feet promptly brought me back up to the office.

Only when I sat down did I realise I'd forgotten to draw money....

So so forgetful these days....

Food Glorious Food

K and I love our food. And we definitely hope to transfer some, if not most of that love for food, to Little Baby.

She is unfortunately cutting her teeth quite late. She has only 6 teeth now, at the age of almost 20 months. While she is able to chew with her gums, she is rejecting all types of meat and fish when she is eating outside of school. Her teacher says she is probably eating these things in school because of peer pressure. The rest of the other kids eat their meat and fish and hence she does so as well.

But she spits them out when they are given to her outside of school. Bleah.

Anyway, we make do with other types of food...and I've been racking my brains out about what to feed her so that she at least gets enough nutrition for growth and development. Glad to say I've so far survived several months or cooking various types of food for her....

Ranging from rice with various soups or stews....to pasta with homemade minestrone....to linguine with chicken soup...to fried rice....to fried noodles....to mee sua with vegetable and pork stew....

I am happy with all of my soups and stews and I am also very happy that she likes them too. Vegetable stews of various combinations, beancurd skin/tofu/egg soups, chicken soups, winter melon soups, tomato soups, you name it....

I am fast running out of ideas though for what other meals I can make....googling hasn't helped much.

She doesn't seem to like mashed potato so shepherd's pie is out....I hope to try macaroni and cheese soon....

Maybe I should explore pizza? Since she likes tomato-stuff.....

Hmm........

Oh well...

The other day, both senior and junior ultrasound technicians said there's an 80% chance Peanut is a girl.

When some colleagues subsequently ask me about Peanut's gender, I tell them the same news I received. I am not prepared for their reactions though.

90% of the reactions I get are either (i) disappointed looks, (ii) concerned looks followed by people asking if I am ok, or (iii) an outright "aiyah wasted!".And then all will finish up by saying something like.....ok lah, girl is also good, will be filial, anyway can try again.

I'm like ??!!

While having a girl and a boy makes a nice balance, I am equally happy having another girl. It is my child as well, borne out of me, a companion and best friend for Nadya, and a priceless result of the union between K and I, our flesh and blood.

I am somewhat a little indignant as well.

Who are you to give such a reaction straight in my face? Who are you to determine if I should prefer a boy or a girl for my second child? And who are you to assume that I wanted a boy?

By all these reactions, it seems to be like as if people still prefer having a boy compared to a girl?

pfffftttt.

apology

Sorry Baby...for causing your left big toe to bleed on Monday night. :(

我不是故意的! 

laments

It does get a tad frustrating when other care-givers of your child don't give a hoot about what you say or the disciplinary boundaries you try to impose, or the preferences you have for the way your child should be brought up.

Stop short of picking a fight (which I won't do anyway since I'm of a non-confrontational nature)...I'll just close an eye and kan4 kai1....

Yes, must kan4 kai1 more...else I'll turn into a bitter old hag and life will be miserable.
Should also remind myself that they have given us alot of help as well....

That niggling feeling that doesn't seem to go away

Having restless leg syndrome or RLS for short.

Except that the naggy tingling feelings are not in my legs but in my upper arms. Read that a possible of RLS in pregnancy is due to lower levels of iron.

Does this correspond to the fact that my blood pressure is lower than usual? My health check on Monday showed lower blood pressure compared to the previous time. The doctor said it was ok and not to worry but the nurse told me to just be careful and get up slowly from a sitting or lying down position.

I think the RLS is related to my lower blood pressure.

Which explains why I'm trying to incorporate more red meat like beef and pork into my meals.
Only thing is that my dinner on weekdays, which are at my inlaws' place, tend to have little red meat....and more chicken and fish...

I can only load up on red meat during lunches or the weekend.
I've taken beef twice in the last 3 days already.....

Hope I can reverse this situation soon. This RLS is getting on my nerves, like literally.

The tingling feeling is now even appearing during the day. Not good....
It's like an itch occurring on the inside of your arms and in your muscles. You can't scratch it away. It is just there...gnawing at your patience...

bus-rides these days

As with most Singaporeans, I fight and jostle with the rush-hour crowd in the evenings.
The bus I take is usually 70-90% full by the time it reaches my bus-stop.

I got on yesterday and all priority seats were taken. I looked around at the people sitting on them.
A young schoolboy just stared back at me, a local lady averted her gaze, another lady was sleeping.
No hope there.

An old uncle. Also no hope.

An Indian man, from India and a working professional. Definitely no hope there. (I've observed that they tend to be more selfish and less gentlemanly. Is it because of their patriachal society?)

And then voila, a foreign worker gestured to me and gave his seat to me.

Thank you good man. May the Good Lord bless you.

I didn't know if he was from Sri Lanka or Bangladesh or India.

But he was the only one who gave up his seat to me.

Thank you again Sir.

==================
Bus rides these days.
A constant stress that I can't get a seat.
And a constant stress because I am too placid to ask for a seat myself.

Je dois

Je dois être fort. Je dois être heureux. 
Je dois être plus patient. Je dois sourire plus souvent.
Je dois laisser aller. Comme la phrase en Chinois "看开".

 Pour moi-meme, pour K, pour mon petite bebe, pour l'autre bebe dans moi, et pour ma famille. 
 

Oh my sleep....wherefore art thou?

5 hours of sleep the night before with one 30mins interruption somewhere in between has rendered me a zombie on this 28th day of May in year 2015.

Trying to draft an email memo touching on policy issues and because this email requires more thought and consideration, my brain has started its own protest by simply refusing to work much.

I would type one sentence (or half) and then my mind would go blank.

Hope I survive the rest of the working day.

Boo.....zzzzzz........

I suppose it's also an accumulation of lack of sleep and tiredness...

zom. bie. fied.

Work

Dynamics are changing.

The boss is leaving his post as GM in October. He will likely stay on as an advisor or consultant till Feb next year and then it is goodbye.

This has not been announced officially and not all my team mates know. But I know and the other two who are more senior (in terms of rank) than me know.


I can sense he is slowly giving some decision-making leeway to those 2 folks.

I'm not too pleased though I can't do much about it. I don't want to acquiesce to their opinions and judgement, well, at least not one of them.

For something which I thought was more operational and simple enough to decide, I made a recommendation to him and sought his concurrence. Didn't expect him to rope the other 2 in and seek their opinions as well.


Bah.

When he leaves and when the new boss comes in, it will right smack at the start of my maternity leave. Which leaves me with little chance to get to know the new boss. The rest have 4-5 months of working with him before I come back again...

While I already know who this new boss is and that he is generally an easy guy to work with....I still feel apprehensive about my future here....

New week

And this too shall pass. 

Brand new day, brand new hope, brand new wishes, brand new fulfillment. 

It's the start of a new week and I hope that it will infinitely be a better one than the week before. 

Onward we go. Jiayou!

Drama Morning

Little Baby's face and torso was covered in rashes. Went to the doc and discovered it was a common rash called Roseola which appears in children after a bout of high fever or fever that lasts several days.

Anyway, at least now I know that high irritability and crankiness is associated this condition. At least I now know the reason behind her extreme crankiness and crabbiness. Just a shake of my head or a "no" from me is enough to start a tantrum or hissy fit.

================
Came back from the doc with my father-in-law. Thank goodness he was with me.

Opened the door to see my helper, who arrived the previous afternoon, covered in sweat, breathless and pale. She had apparently felt giddiness and had vomitted 3 times.

FIL brought her to the doc while I stayed at home to look after Little Baby.

================
I already had my hands full and then an SMS came.

From the boss. $#%^#$^$#

Asking me to submit something to him by Monday and to discuss another issue with him on the same day. I told him I would not be around in office on Monday.

His reply?

"Just get it done by Mon and send something to me."

NB. $#@%$#%^%#$

And so now, Friday night close to midnight,  I am sitting on my balcony trying to concentrate and settle this piece of work. It is a tedious work item though. I fell asleep in the afternoon while attempting to work on it....

下雨了

也没想到能耐到今天才哭。原本以为两天前就会哭。还算不错啦哈哈。

哭了，放出来了，也该坚强多一点吧美金。

话

有时候很多话想说，但对方不在，话也就渐渐地流失了。

有时候，试着把话藏在心里或记在脑海里，但终于等到对方出现时，也突然发觉原来话已经被忘掉了。

有时候，或许把话写下来会比较好，但写字条还算是健康的交流和勾通方式吗？

今天有好多话想说。

this week

Many things happening within a single week.
Many discussions which have yet to take place.
Some chats/discussions I am not looking forward to.

累了。
不过路还是要走。

bits and bytes

Exasperation
Desperation
And
Mainly Sadness

Is what you feel

When your child cries uncontrollably for almost 2 whole hours and you can't seem to provide much comfort to her.

========
Little Baby
Jiayou Jiayou

Mama and Dada will jiayou with you too.

========
Motherhood

is when you keep going on
even when you lack the energy to.

========
Tummy feels a little strange now.
I hope Little Baby didn't pass anything to me.

Lost in my dream again

Little Baby caught the fever bug yesterday. Cranky the entire day and during the night, she woke several times.

In between the short hour long sleep I had between 2 of her wakings, I think I had a dream....
Same theme of being lost.

Just that this time round it wasn't in a hostel setting or a university campus setting.

I just....can't....seem to.....remember the details...and who it was with me in the dream.
Though I clearly remembered the dream in full when I just woke from it.

Mama

There are good days and there are bad days.

There are days when I feel like I am doing a shitty job as a mother.
There are days when I feel like I'm a supermom with 8 hands and 8 feet.
There are days when I question whether I am doing the right thing as a mother.

There are other days when Little Baby makes me feel like I'm on top of the world and that I'm her one and only hero.
And there are other days when she makes me feel like an insignificant person rejected by her.

There are times when I feel so exasperated and tired and spent that I just want to flop down and cry my heart out.
There are other times when I feel like I'm an energiser bunny running on nothing but love and adrenaline.

There are days I feel absolutely ugly with panda eyes, snot, sweat, bits of food and saliva slathered on me, hair in a mess of a ponytail and spectacles askew on my face.
There are other days when I manage to doll myself up a little and hence feel that little bit better about my appearance.

There are times during the night when I try to haul my groggy pregnant self out of bed because she woke and called out for me.
There are also times when I drag my feet going to her room.
There are other times when I tell myself to hang in there. She is young only once. There will come a day when she does not even want you by her side that much.

There are situations when I lose my patience and my temper and everything else in between.
There are other situations when I hold myself back, telling myself to count to 10 and be more patient and not to fly off the handle so fast. She is just 18 months once. She is just 19 months once.

There are times when I feel guilty for enrolling her in infant care and childcare or leaving her with the inlaws.
There are those others times during the weekend that I relish spending the full day with her, although I do get frustrated with her boundless energy sometimes haha.

Polarisations.
And a rollercoaster of emotions, thoughts, feelings throughout this entire motherhood journey so far.

Whatever it is, I'm doing, trying, giving my best.
As most other mothers are too. 

A pat on my back she gave me this morning when I was carrying her.
It seemed like an acknowledgement.
"Mama, you're doing ok."
"Mama, jiayou."

I am 8 days late but.....
Happy Mother's Day to me....:)

Everyday is Mother's Day, no?

Mothers' Day Art and Craft Session at Learning Vision

It was her school's Mothers' Day art and craft session. I wonder why they held it after Mother's Day itself but oh well, I still appreciated being given the opportunity to be present there and to be a part of her school activity.

I hope she had fun as much as I did :)

I asked her to smile for me but she made faces instead and this was what I captured lol. 

failed attempt! haha.

I was a little disappointed yesterday evening.

I scooted off from work 40mins earlier, without telling my boss, because I wanted to get back to my inlaws' place earlier so I could bring the little girl back home to spend more time with her.

I was happy when leaving their place at 7pm. I thought to myself "This is great! I'll get to spend at least an hour or more with her before she falls asleep."

My happiness lasted all of 10mins. She got cranky in the car on the journey back home, rubbed her eyes furiously and alternated between bouts of screaming and kicking and of tenderly laying her head on my shoulder to attempt to sleep.

When FIL dropped me off at the carpark, she was already hugging me, with her head on my left shoulder and falling asleep.

By the time I got upstairs to the apartment, it was 712pm. And she was half asleep.
By 7:15pm, she was in her bed hugging her favourite bolster and snoozing, with little sighs emanating from her from time to time.

Bleah, so in the end, I didn't get to spend time with her afterall.

The good thing was that she slept for 11 hours straight without waking, except for a brief 10 mins when I woke her slightly to feed her milk.
A miracle in itself. She's never done that before I think!

It's back again

I have a recurring dream theme.
It usually is about me getting lost and trying to find my way, either in a university hostel setting or a university school campus setting. Sometimes I am with someone else in the dream and together we try to find our way, sometimes I am alone. Rarely is K with me whenever I have these dreams.

I had one such dream last night, or rather, around 5-plus or 6am this morning.

This time, K was with me. While we didn't take too long to find the hostel room assigned to me, I took a long time instead trying to figure out which key it was that could open the door to the room. I remembered holding a bunch of different types of keys in my hand, and fumbling through them while K waited next to me.

By the time we got into the room, we were tired and just crashed onto the dusty bed to sleep. I woke earlier than him and I remembered noticing that the room was located right next to a hawker centre so I could smell char kway teow, chye tow kueh and other local delights being cooked. The air in the room was dusty, oily, musty all at the same time.

I remember recoiling at the sight of the dirty hostel room toilet, which came attached to the room.
I had no choice but to use it as is though because my bladder was almost bursting. I held my breath and balanced precariously in my flip flops on the toilet floor. I was done quickly but before I could flush the toilet, I heard a tiny muffled voice from outside the room door.....

"Mama.....mama".

And that was how the dream ended.

The little girl had woken and was calling out for me from her room...while babbling some other undecipherable words...

The clock read 610am.

Bummed

Sometimes I feel a little bummed.

That I only get to see Little Baby for an hour (or less) in the mornings from Mon to Fri.
And that out of this limited time, more than half the time is spent trying to get her ready for school and trying to get myself ready for work.
On days like this morning, I only got to see her for 20mins.
From the time I woke her and dressed her, to the time we got her out of the door, it was 20mins flat.
Some hurried kisses, some stolen hugs, some liberal slobbering (of me on her cheeks), some amount of me carrying her.

Some reluctant waving and goodbye kisses from me. 
Her big eyes looked a little forlorn and bewildered.
More goodbye waves from me, with a promise of "Mama will see you this evening ok!"

And then poof.
She was gone.

Us into a waiting cab. To go to work.
She into my inlaws' car. To go to school.

The feel of her soft skin still lingers on my lips.
The feel of her thick hair still lingers on my cheeks.
The feel of her tiny, tubby fingers reaching out and grabbing my hand still lingers on my fingers.
The smell of her babyness still lingers in my nose.
The sound of her calling out "Mama, mama!" still lingers in my ears.
The sound of her feet pitter-pattering on the floor still lingers in my mind.


Sometimes I feel a little bummed.

That I only get to see or spend time with Little Baby for an hour (or less) in the evenings from Mon to Fri.
On good days, it will be an hour or so.
On most days, it is just 30 to 45minutes.
Some days, it is just a mere 10-15minutes before she falls asleep while I bring her home from the inlaws' place.

Sometimes I feel a little bummed.

And I am sure K feels the same way.
Especially when most weekday nights he doesn't get to see her, unless I call him on FaceTime.

Is this the agony of working parents? Of those working parents who hold a 9 to 6pm full-time job?

Monday morning sighs

Could do without the extra worries and effort trying to get other caregivers to be on the same path of thinking as us and to adhere to the parameters we have set...

I'm grateful for the help given. But sometimes...sigh. 

========

The little girl is refusing to change clothes in the mornings since last week. Always results in some measure of struggle, fussing, fighting and crying before she gets changed. 

Hope it gets better soon. 

It's been a stressful time for her with the transition from infant care to toddler class. 

Bus rides

This is the second time something like this has happened to me.

Erm I'm seated on the bus and now that there're more people than seats, people are standing. There's a guy in front of me. 

In tight jeans.

And his fly is undone. 

Erm but I can't tell him....at least not in front of so many people? 

Err...

.....no words

Swallow. Breathe in. Breathe out. Swallow.

忍气。

Swallowing my words as well. 

Down but hanging in there

When the going gets tough

The tough gets going

But....I'm just a whiny wimpy woman. 

So how?

Suck thumb and cry?

Or give myself a pat on the back once in awhile to remind myself that I'm still doing ok?

Or give myself other reminders that sometimes I need not expect too much of myself? 

Or fuck care everything? (Knowing myself, this probably won't fly)

Or.....

A small liberation of sorts

On half day PM leave today. 

Been quite awhile since I did this. 

Feels quite liberating actually haha. I left office with a smile on my face. :)

Wish I could do this more often but I need to ration my leave and save them for use later on after I deliver. 

bubble simmer bubble simmer

Frustrations over certain issues.

Do I try to silently accept the things I cannot change or for which I have no control over?
Do I try to change my own mindset instead?

I have tried changing my own mindset for an issue and was pretty okay with it.....till tiredness crept in and sort of brought me back to square one.

I will try my best not to let these frustrations morph into resentment.
Because I am afraid when it does, I will become an unhappy person, more morose and negative than the dark me already is.

Oh bugger, is this causing more wrinkles?

Thank you Uncle....

Thank you cab uncle, for noticing my discomfort and the fact that I was feeling abit down, and for initiating a chat with me. 

You cheered me up alot and for that I am thankful.

I did not manage to get your name but you can be sure you have touched my heart and left an impression on me, however fleeting our connaissance was.

Thank you again and I wish you well.
Drive safe on this rainy rainy Wednesday morning.

Hurrah!

I am feeling really happy.
Many good news and celebratory events happening this year to both K and my closest friends.

TH - just got married and got their flat all done up already
PQ - her princess is arriving today!
Ding - going to propose within the next month or two and who knows? maybe a recep or banquet will be coming very soon!
Ah pui - Wedding banquet at the end of this year
Ms Tan - just received news that her bf proposed to her last month, they are getting the keys to their flat this Thursday and a wedding recep will be held by the end of this year!

Keep the good news coming....:)
Whee!

Peanut

Peanut seems a pretty strong baby. I could feel its kicks when it was only 3 months plus into gestation and now at 4.5 months I can actually see my tummy move when it gives one of its stronger kicks.

Grow well Teeny Baby. 

That's what K calls it. I'll stick to Peanut. Lesser syllables haha. 

Food glorious food

This mama seems to have done something right with the little one's food menu this weekend. She finished most of her food and said they were nice when I asked her. My fussiest critic has given me her marks of approval! Lol...

Friday: 

Rice with chicken stew. There were onions, garlic, carrots, potato, chinese white cabbage and radish in the stew. 

She finished the entire portion of rice I gave her plus the stew. When I asked her whether it was nice, she nodded and drawled "nice....". My heart soared lol.

Saturday:

Fried rice with egg, long beans and potato. Her reaction was more lukewarm compared to the chicken stew but at least she took most of whatever portion I had scooped out for her. :) 

Sunday:

Baby pasta in minestrone soup. In a bid to keep things interesting for the sake of variety and to expose her to different types of food and preparation styles, I ventured into the unknown and made minestrone soup for the first time in my entire life. I had discovered that she seemed to like tomato sauce/paste and decided to try making minestrone. I added tomatoes, long beans, onions, garlic, carrots and celery. I had bought zucchini as well but decided at the last moment not to add it in as there seemed to be too much ingredients already. After I gave her her first spoonful, she asked for more. I was so happy! 

This mama's a happy lark. :D

Now on to planning for her food menu for next weekend...Hmm....shepherd's pie? Kway teow soup? Fried mee sua? 

Digital oil painting

Progress has been made on the digital oil painting piece.....

The unfortunate thing is that the blue paint given for the boy's clothes is all dried up!! I'll see what I can do....

Previously

The Lord's Prayer

Reminder to self to also keep this prayer close to heart. 

Our Father who art in heaven,

Hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come,

Thy will be done,

On earth as it is in heaven. 

Give us this day our daily bread,

And forgive us our sins,

As we forgive those who have sinned against us. 

Lead us not into temptation,

But deliver us from evil.

For thine is the kingdom,

And the power,

And the glory.

Forever and ever.

Amen. 

Ohm

Sometimes certain things are "in your face" and grate on your nerves after awhile. 

And you can't really do anything about it. 

I should tell myself to suck it up.  

Maybe an excerpt from the serenity prayer would help....

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

Ol' Blue Eyes

I knew it wasn't that brilliant an idea but I still chose to have Frank Sinatra accompany me at work this morning. I haven't been as productive as I would have liked haha. I ended up googling his images and reading up a little on parts of his life.

Amazing talent. They don't come by in such packages these days no more...

Monday morning

Starting the work week missing the little girl. Enough said. :(

Talk. Chat. Talk Somemore

For some reason people seem to like talking to me today.

My boss stopped by at my desk and "regaled" me with stories from his yesteryears in a time when people still used office boys to send memos from one level to another level of the office. That took 30-45mins.

A colleague stopped by my desk as well and we spoke about both work and non-work stuff. That took another 15-20mins.

I was then waylaid by a lady from another division located on the same floor, while on my way to the washroom. That took almost 30mins.

Ok, there goes my efficiency for the day.
Zilch!

Deeds

One does not need to do one big good deed to feel happy. Undertaking several small nice deeds each day also makes one feel good. If each of us did one or two nice deeds a day, everyday, I think the world would really be a nicer and happier place. :)

One small nice deed for today:
Bringing back (from the front of the queue) some of the metal tongs used for selecting food items for a yong tau foo meal.

I think the 3 ladies behind me in the yong tau foo stall today were pleasantly surprised. Well, at least they sounded quite surprised when I brought back the food tongs from where they had been left off at the front of the queue, took one for myself and passed the rest to them. They unanimously all said "oh wah, thank you!"

Lol, that put a smile on my face.

At least, they were appreciative.

Unlike some people who don't bother acknowledging me or thanking me when I hold the lift doors open for them.....Oh well, it does take time for us as a people to become more polite and friendly I suppose?

What other small deeds can one do to make someone else happy and also bring happiness to yourself? Hmm...holding the door open, bringing back your colleague's printout from a faraway printer, making a cup of milo for a colleague having the sniffles, etc....

Painting

I bought a digital painting kit from qoo10 a month or two back.

I've been wanting to try it out and well I finally did it tonight. Essentially its a mini canvas printed with an outlined image. Spaces within the image are numbered and you are given different coloured paints with are numbered correspondingly to the spaces. So you just match the colour to the numbered space and then paint away.....no brainer really but it does take patience to paint within the lines. The paintbrush given is a fine one so you can manoeveur it around all the curved outlines.  I think my fingers are still pretty deft and nimble haha. 

Painting in progress.....will probably take awhile since I can't afford too much time each time I paint...:) 

Breathe in, breathe out

It gets to me. It still does.

Is it because I'm more sensitive and emotional lately? Or because I'm more tired so I let things get to me more easily. 

I hope it doesn't show on my face too much when things happen and I feel irked. 

忍一时风平浪静

1.5years already.