Busy day...

Started re-watching "Meteor Garden" today...guess I'm still a teenybopper at heart..going ga-ga over F4..especially Jerry Yen and Zai-Zai..romantic phrasses gushing from their mouths simply melt my heart..

Been a busy day today..didn't get much rest..Peiqi, Hid, TaiHow, Eugene came over around 1pm..hsortly after, Ee-ma & Auntie Violet popped by..CMI, went for a nap around 4pm..was woken around 5pm..when Uncle Anthony, Auntie Theresa & Adelene came..gosh..cun believe mum n dad actually allowed them into my room when I was still sleeping..damn unglam..

Just when they were about to leave, Jen & Beng came..was pretty surprised Beng came...so sweet of her...=) And they brought a huge bouquet of lilies haa..wrapped in purple paper..Beng was really chatty haa...shared with us about her projects with The Sail & The Azure..great to hear she's doing so good with her commercial ad projects..Wa sharing stories about how God has helped her out alot too...They left at 7pm and we finally managed to have dinner. Ahboy came around 730...with 3 pkts of Cheng Tng in tow..the one from Bedok Corner Food Centre...haa..

Was slurping the Cheng Tng whilst watching meteor garden..got tired...and napped abit..hehe..got abit of back massage from him too...woohoo..really felt great..hmm..*notti thoughts*..=p Poor boy..think he's tired out too..hope he doesn't fall sick...

Was thinking of having a mini gathering at my place next Friday..with Ling & gang around..not sure if I should bring it up though...maybe just order some pizza & KFC...and then just hang around and tok cock...hmm..but have this feeling ahboy won't be keen on this notion..

birthday wishes

Bro messaged me on the night of my admission day (10th oct) into hospital..asked me what I wanted for my birthday...

Him: Hey sis, all the best for tomorrow ok. What do you want for your birthday?

Me: Thanks bro. Nvm lah, dun need anything. I just wanna roam the world, and leave my mark in every place I go..

Him: We will walk together and roam the world sis. We can always achieve what our mind can conceive. Cheerios.

I was about to sleep, was lying on the bed, huddled under the blankets..Just reading that last sms brought tears to my eyes...

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wtf. am feeling freaking restless..

Wanna go swim. Cannot.
Wanna drink. Cannot.
Wanna go Sentosa. Cannot.
Wanna eat seafood. Cannot.

A.R.G.H.
headache's back again..throb. throb.throb.
Don't feel like taking painkillers cos am afraid of getting to used to them.

Super gian for a lychee martini...

Letter to the Bosses

Dear Bosses,

How are things going with the business? How’s the strategic growth of the business? Are things going according to plans? Are we moving along in the correct route/path??

To tell you frankly, I am lost and directionless. You urge us to pledge our strength and allegiance to you. Most of us have. We run together with you. But what of that? We need a more specific direction to run towards...not just a generic compass point far away in the horizon. We have been hearing of this generic spot far away in the distance. We have been plugged with such cursory information since at least a year back...To the extent that I'm starting to have doubts about whether or not you guys are sure yourselves of where you wanna go.

We are trying our best to be with you guys but we cannot just only be running on and on…We get tired, we slow down, we pant and heave our chests and so do you. You urge and encourage us, you push and prod. We try on our end & also put in our efforts…

But I have to admit. I am weak. I am getting distracted. I am flailing…I am tempted by other pastures…whether greener or not I do not know….Also, I do not know what I want exactly as yet..But I can feel my morale ebbing by the minute as I bob my head up and down, taking in frantic gasps of precious air...Throw me a lifeline quick, the currents are pulling me farther and farther out…I need something to anchor me down and steady me…

Yours Sincerely,
Michelle
Marketing Dept

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Might be looking at 1st quarter of next year to move on...Maybe I can try sending cold letters to BluInc, SPH or even the banks and telcos...

Friday night

Dan, Chiewz, Yanling came around 845pm on Friday night...was quite hungry by the time they arrived...ANd then hey ho!! Patirick also came! Yup, my dear Patrick..it's been a long time since I last asw him..happened that he chanced upon Chiewz when she was at the airport...and he just departed from his flight too...she updated him and they all decided to troop down to my place...

Bah Chor Mee, chicken wings..heavens..=) hehe, indulgence..not suposed to eat chicken wings though...but bo chup...=p

Was pretty fun catching up and talking rot..haha jokes and laughter...snacks and more laughter..

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missing him now..

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Feeling abit tired. Headache's acting up again..Think I'll hit the sack soon..My bed has become my best pal...

broken thoughts...

Ahboy was a notti boy today...skipped a portion of his training ( at Tampines Junction) and popped over ofr a visit-cum-a-eat-snake- session..hhaha...had lunch here too....came at around 1115am...left at 115pm....terrible..tsk tsk...haha

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Wound is getting damn itchy......irritating....itchy but can't scratch...piangz...the feeling is soo.....argh....don't even know how to describe...

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Ipoh just popped by....sitting outside int he hall with mama...chatting away...I'm hiding in the room blogging...need a break from all the visitors at times...sometimes when I hear so many people talkig to much....I'll get a headache...think maybe it's also cos I didn't get good quality rest last night...Hope I'll do better tomorrow...

I'm expecting the weekend to bring in more visitors...Jen mentioned she might come, no sur eif she's bringing any of our colleagues though..Rohlin, Kym, Yongwei, Gary. Sherwin, Ally, Peiqi too...hmm....aiyoh...so many people to see the unglam side of me..haha....bespectacled...hair in a bun like a bird's nest..eyes still slightly swollen and bloodshot...in Tshirt and shorts...haa...

Thursday's events...

Yesterday afternoon was a farce...mum was cleaning my wounds when she noticed that eh?? how come there are still 2 or 3 more staplers in my scalp wounds? We panicked and called the hospital immediately..we were promptly told to go down immediately and get them taken out..

In the end, we found out that they actually forot about 10 of those staplers and had left them in my scalp for the past 3 days!! tsk tsk....mum n dad were quite apalled that such a thing could happen...started nagging at the nurses and Doc Fong...heng they didn't create a big scene..else I wouldn't have known wherer to hide my face...

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The Duckie gals came over in the evening around 845pm...Vincent came along too..Selin didn't manage to make it...super busy girl...haha...we're still the same squeaky, crazy bunch of girls when we're all together...ame thing, gossipping and luffig like crazy last night...sharing gross stories with them about taking blood samples and getting injextions...haha..was sharing with them my supernatural story too...and showing them my wounds...

I had a craving for french frie and fish mcdippers...hehe, sms-ed Tricia to help me get...woohoo...had a nice time munching on the fries..haaa...long time no eat...really perked me up man! =p but notti lah..haha.....not suppposed to eat actually cos i'm having a sore throat..

brought them for a walk around the house too...showed them my room..showed them some pics on my pc...blah blah...all the girlish stuff..

They left around 10-plus..almost 11pm...

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p/s: yesterday was Kym's birthday...

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Was MSNing with Chiewz n Dan till quite late last night..haha....had quite an interesting conversation with Chiewz...tokking about sexual stuff....stories...experiences...anecdotes...things we heard from friends...blah blah blah...tokking about brazilian waxing ....yada yada....

Same thing again...I wanna try waxing...but damn scared of the pain leh....somemore she said she bled...liews....that really made me reconsider..hmmm...

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Hee...Looking forward to Chiewz and Dan's visit tonight...they promised to buy Blk 85 BCM for me for my dinner....WOOOOOO!!!! just thinking about it makes me salivate like crazy...=)))))
Am thinking should I get them to buy my fav porridge too?> Then at least I can keep for tmr's breakfast or something....=))

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Realised I'm really getting flabby...tummy area and thighs and upper arms....sighz...what to do?? help help!

anecdotal instances...

some anecdotes from the past week or so...

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saturday when HB, Mao n Seng were around...cun remember what exactly we were talking about when i pointe my middle finger at him in jest...hahha...and they subsequently made a comment...that they are confident that I am well on the road to recovery...cos I can still curse n swear n point middle finger..haha.....

and you know what? ahboy sgrees wholeheartedly....haha...he said the exact same thing to my brother adrian, kel & ling...

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some patients asked me :"eh, u kena accident ah??" ...."choi choi choi!!!" i would tell them...i told mum..."damn it..means my face really looks like kena bang wall for people to ask me such a question..."

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There was a time after I just woke from the op...the anesthetist asked me a question: "Michelle! What's your name?" I remember thinking to myself...."duh...*rolls eyes*...you just called me by my name and now u're asking me what my name is?????"

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When one of the nurses were shaving me down there...she suddenly gave a shriek and screamed out to the other nurses: "Aiyoh! Jialat! I cut her!" yeah...she gave me a small cut man....should have just grabbed her by the shoulders and shouted "OUCH!!!!"...hahaha....

visitors

Steady streams of well-wishers and concerned friends and relativves thronged my bedside when word got out that I was out of ICU already and back in a normal ward. And they brougt with them cards, toys, flowers and tonics...haha...Form what I can recall...They included people like:

Uni:
1. Debra
2. Daniel
3. Yanling
4. Mao Mao
5. Ah Seng
6. Hong Bing
7. Chiewz
8. Kym
9. Sing Lee
10. Nancy
11. Eric
12. William
13. Eddie

Misc:
10. Auntie Mimi
11. Uncle Albert
12. Auntie Irene
13. Uncle Edward
14. Auntie Lucy

Relatives:
Uni:
15.Uncle Tom
16. Auntie Pat
17. Uncle David
18. Auntie Angie
19. Suli
20. Celine
21. Ee-ma
22. Auntie Violet
23. uncle William
24. Ah-Dioh
25. Ah Gor
26. Paul

Colleagues:
27. Winnie
28. Zenne
29. Siva
30. Ah San
31. Ah Kok
32. Peter Pan
33. Chloe
34. Mun Kitt
35. Serene
36. Lawrence new colleague
37. Brother Lawrence
38. Elaine

Sec Sch:
39. Ally
40. Peiqi
41. Tai How
42. MingJie
43. Evelyn
44. Eugene
45. YanHui

Others:
46. Ling
47. Kel
48. Julie

And of course...dage, dasao, mum, dad, ahboy.....
thank you mum, dad, ahboy...for taking such great care of me...must have been really tiring on them....

Ward 74 Room 10 Bed 2

Was quite relieved when I saw the room (4-bedder with air-con) to which I was transferred to from the ICU. I was given the bed just next to the window...as least it was not next to the washroom...

Plonked myself on the bed and started snoozing away...then dinner came..makaned...mum n dad left...ee-ma,auntie violet, ahboy came to visit....then left...and after that I was alone..so..next best thing to do is to....SLEEP. Sleep interruption is a thing to get used to whilst being warded.. nurses doing their rounds..the fella next doorcoughing/sneezing/wanting to pee or poo..the nurses themselves chatting...blah blah blah...

Slept badly on Fri night..partly cos I think I hahd a super natural encounter....or at least I think it was....from my vantage point...I kept seeing this lady dressed in the hospital patient gown...pink colour...she was standing at the sink...diagonally across the room from where I was...I kept looking at my handphone...1am morphed into...2am which morphed into....4am...and she was still there...still remember she was bespectacled...grey hair curly till shoulders...she was leaning against the wall...and peeped over the wall to look at the people in the room...It was werid...when nurses and doctors came in to do their rounds on other patients...nobody gave her a second look...which I found to be extremely weird...

It was dawn when a nurse came in to check on my blood pressure...I asked her in a hushed tone..."How come that lady has been standing there for so long already??? Doesn't she need to sleep??" And the nurse went:" Who? Where?? There's no one.." Freaked me out man...damn..shouldn't have asked her anything..haaa....anyway...huddled deeper into the covers after that, muttered soem prayers and tried to get back to sleep....thank god for drowsy medicine...haha...managed to sleep...Didn't encounter this weird thingy on subsequent nights......heng ah....

12, 13, 14 Oct

Was in ICU till Friday evening where I was transferred to a normal ward.
My memories of those days in ICU are abit sketchy...probably because I was drifting in and out of consiousness, in and out of sleep...popping painkillers, feeling nauseous & there were quite a number of people going in and out of my room...

Nurses and my parents were ever so often checking in on me..I remember Auntie Angie, Adrian, Ahboy & Eddie coming to visit me..and I remember someone telling me that my face looked so puffy...On and off one of my assigned doctors would pop in and tell me I'm recovering fast...On and off, I would be requesting for more pain killers for my headaches...

One thing still vivid in my memory..haa...There was a point in time where they were sponging me and trying to clean me up...and I was stripped bare for the world to see...and then!! they took out a razor...and started shaving my pubic area...gosh.........would have rolled my eyes if they weren't so swollen in their sockets...no wonder after that felt so cold..no more fuzz to keep me warm...was naked as a baby's bottom down there...

Wednesday evening was my first meal since sunday night 12am (or more rightly Monday morning)...porridge with stir fried cabbage and some funny chicken and egg thingy...a nurse was trying to feed me...i couldn't feed myself cos 1. I was hooked up to various tubes which was uite a mess of tangles...and 2. I was wearing specs so couldn't really see what the hell I was eating...

After not earing for so many days...and then suddenly food was introduced back into the tummy...I got quite distended I think...Almost couldn't keep the food in..Had to pop anti-nausea pills just to keep the food down where it should be...Spent the rest of the night hugging a vomit bag to sleep..just in case I puke...Almost did for a few times...but luckily didn't..

Was abit sad that Ahboy couldn't make it down on Thursday evening to visit me...

By Friday, the nurses were telling me that I was doing pretty well...and should be fit to be transferred to a normal ward already...Around 5pm...I made the transfer...went over to Ward 74 Room 10 Bed 2...As usual..I ws the youngest in the room...the other 2 occupants being 2 other old aunties...

post op

Next day : 12th Oct

"Michelle! Michelle!! This is Doctor Ng here..." You are now in ICU...the operation was successful...You did good.!.."....Woozy as I was...tried to garble a reply...but my throat was too sore...couldn't talk..just made some raspy sounds..

These were my immediate recollections of what happened after the surgery... and from what mum n dad told me...the op took a whole lot longer than expected...I went through 10 hours of it..instead of the 5-6 initially predicted by john thomas...Slept the howle of Tuesday night...and by the glorious time I woke..it was already Wednesday..and I was parked in ICU...nooked up to a respiraory machine and a few other funny machines....and yeps..I was freezing away as usual...and huddled under 3 blankets..Gingerly lifted up my head..hwoa...huge bandage..And there was this irritatingly thick oxygen pipe in my mouth going down my throat...gosh..that was horrible...

Drifted off into sleep again..with a throbbing head & woozy eyes...and the next time I got up was when nurses were trying to get that pipe out of me...I gagged and sputtered..thought my throat was gonna be ripped apart man...face and eyes were swollen too...couldn't even open my right eye...swollen shut...could only open the left one..they finally managed to get the tube out....and then I went off into slumberland again.....the GA coupled with the effect of the tablet pain killers really zonked me out major man.....

...............

D-Day

D-Day 11th Oct

Was woken up at 5plus am by a nurse who took my temp and blood pressure...couldn't really get back to sleep after that...kept checking the time for 6am to approach....it finally did...and I started getting myself prepped up for the op...mum reached around 610am..poor thing..got up early to catch a cab..nurse came in soon after to gt me to chang into an operation gown..literally those greenish blur ones that you see in ER or those HK drama shows...Had to strip fully underneath..

An attendant came around 645am with a trolley bed...had to climb unceremoniusly into it. and await for ther surgery whilst lying in this thing..trepidation..thud thud thud..deep breathes...hands clasped tightly at my stomach as I lay on that trolley..felt myself wheeled out of the ward and into the corridoors...couldn't see a thing for nuts...cos I wasn't allowed to wear my specs...and I'm a blind bat without one..

Still remember the trolley making alot of noise as it rolled along the linoleum floors of along the corridoors...the attendant's sneakers squeaked along togther with the trndling noise..made me have a headache..and those sounds combined didn't do any good at to soothe my frazzled nerves...mum followed close behind when I was being wheeled into to the OT...

I remember looking up at the ceiling and seeing rows and rows of small soft-orange-coloured halogen lights...and I remember thinking to myself: "..gotta blog this down after I get discharged from hospital..." So drama...it was lietrally one of those scenes lifted from a HK drama of sorts...the halogen lights slowly gave way to rectangular piercing white lighting..I stare at the white-washed walls as I passed by rows and row of corridoors...finally felt my trolley coming to a halt..I was being wheeled into another huge room and parked in a small waiting area..mum had to wait outside...I felt absolutely alone..shivering, cold and naked...

A chirpy plump malay nurse came by..checked my name & IC & address & if I was pregnant..and if I knew what I was in for...and if I knew who was gonna do the surgery...yada yada...was made to wwear an operation cap..looked kinda like a shower cap but with paper material instead of plastic)...another layer of blanket ws thrown on me..I simply don't understand...why do such environments have to be so sterile and unfriendly and so so so cold?? it must have been like wat...10degrees in there?? and I was naked save for one blanket and one operating gown of thickness 1mm..satisfied with my answers..the nurse then walked off...and left me waiting alone there...muttering a silent prayer of courage and hope under my shivering breath..

A half hour more and I was then transported into my OT..was made to wait again...as I stared at the ceiling and heard the OT attendants preparing whatever things the surgeons had to use during the op.. Could hear metallics things clanking together...could hear liquids sloshing in containers...could hear tables/chairs being wheeled into place...could see them preparing syringes too...aw man...I was wondering...do they have to do it in full view of the waiting patient?? That wait seriously made mme more nervous..haa...

Doc Ng the anaesthetist came soon after..did a puncture in my left wrist and I felt myself going slightly woozy.....heard him say this:"..this is just the minor anaesthetic...before we give you the big whammy that will make you sleep the daylilghts off...sprry ah..I know the injection's painful..." Then next thing I knew, I was being shifted from the trolley bed into the OT bed itself...and I was thinking...this is it liao...the time has come...Whilst on the OT bed, I looked up and could see so many different metallic gadgets and lightings...very much like those in ER...nervousness was growing by the minutee man...the longer they took to prep me for the op, the more nervous I got...

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lor soh ramblings...

Kinda feels weird to be blogging again after a week-long hiatus..But..nevertheless..am mighty glad to have Internet access again..haa..just a recap of the events of the past week...

Monday 10th Oct..day of admission...had a jittery day..was walking around with a thudding heart & ringing ears..and little beads of anticipation running through my veins...as is the bureaucratic ways of most public hospitals and healthcare...the admission queue took me 1.5 hours...and by the time i got to my ward and my bed...it was about 230pm already..

Eddie surprised me by turning up..with two pints of ice-cream in tow to try to "cheer me up" in his words...from Rohlin's place haa...one's Nutella and the other flavour's Cookies & Cream..was 1/3 way into my Nutella when I had to stop for a doc to draw blood from me...one of those dreaded but bo pian have to go through it times...poked a hole in my right wrist..inserted a plug in there...tried to draw but my blood refused to flow...tmd...poked another hole into the bend of my right elbow..still no flow...wriggled the tubing abit...and by then i was cursing him silently already...in all sorts of languages..finally managed to get it over an done with...

then another doc came..Doc Fong..the unfriendly insensitive young indomitable male doctor wielding a red electric razor...my heart flipped in my chest...and my spirits sank in dismay...damn...I thought wildly..."Thought they said I didn't have to shave my hair off????" Turned out the op was gonna be computer-aided and they needed to place some electrodes on certain prime spots on the right side of my head..so that they can path the route into a soft copy route on the PC. and in order for teh rlectrodes to stick onto my scalp..they had to shave off certain parts..as the whirring sound of the darn razor whizzed into action...i tried hard to keep my emotions in check..every buzzing sound just brought more heartache to me..at the end of it..felt that Doc Fong was quite insensitive..i was littered with remnants of some hair..and looked pretty messed up...with electrodes on my forehead and some part of the head...After he was done..he didn't even wait for me to dust myself off before he drew open the curtains and just walked away..And only left a nurse to help to dust me off...I went back to the guest chairs wheere mum, dad n eddie were seated...and then my floodgaztes just unleashed themselves..just somehow..my face turned damn warm...and i just cried my heart out..yeah..in front of poor hapless Eddie..haa..poor thing..

Gathered my wits later on and survived through dinner...then Ahboy came..and mum n dad left..did a series of tests before the next day's proceedings...did my MRI scan at 915pm..my 12 lead ECG at 1030pm and had my chest x-ray at 1115pm...poor ahboy only left at 1130pm...think he was real tired..

Tried to have a good night's rest..abit difficult considering I was half praying, half chanting, and half hyperventilating..and also considering the fact that nurses were in and out trying to monitor your blood pressure and body temperature...didn't help that the room was god damn cold...slept under 3 blankets..and a jacket..

ramblings..

Got up this morning and missed him terribly..dropped him a naughty message...haa...
Yeps..he's my man.

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listening to Jay Chou now..not sure of the title though..but simply adore his songs..fast ones are unique..slow ones are so full of emotions..just tugging at your heartstrings..

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Just finished packing the stuff I'll be bringing to the hospital..trying to maintain a cool, calm exterior...don't want mom and pop and gran to worry too much.
But inside, I am still a jitterbug..nervous and anxious in a way..slightly frazzled

~Dear God, please grant me the strength and courage~

the impetuous me..

You've learned that being depressed about the past only delays your progress.
Remember all that tact, diplomacy and congeniality you were tossing around like there was absolutely no end to your personal supply? Well, it's still there, still quite accessible, and still endless. The thing is, if it's not exactly what you're thinking, it won't be exactly what you'll say. Fortunately, this only happens once a month or so, and only for a couple of days. Hiding out might be your first impulse, but wouldn't it be more fun to see them squirm?

My horoscope for today. Hmm..the words in bold..meaningful..
As for the rest..well..I consider myself a tactful, diplomatic person..(disclaimer: which doesn't equate to being hypocritical yah)..just that I don't wish to hurt anybody or anything..Kinda slipped up today. Lashed out at a dear friend..(So sorry TP..)

Was on MSN in the afternoon with the "busy" sign on when TP sent me a hallo message. My first reaction was to lash out at him. Think it caught him off guard totally. I told him "Even when the busy sign is on, people still msg. Argh!!!" And rattled off a bunch of other stuff about why do people disturb you when the do-not-disturb sign is on...and cun remember what else. He kept apologising..and I felt bad at having such an outburst..shitty..

I know it ain't his fault..I do that all the time too..but he caught me at a wrong time. Guess I was feeling edgy and jittery...been like that the whole day...and well..he just happened by at the wrong moment..Hope he ain't mad at me...

sweetie...

Am longing for the warmth of your embrace..
That which would brush away all worries and uncertainties.
Wish that you could be with me right here, right now..
Wish that I could cuddle up against you..
In that safe cocoon where I know I'll be protected.

----

Am proud of you baby. For the person that you are.
For your accomplishments, for your strengths, for your weaknesses.
Love you..

summary...

On Friday..met him for lunch at Raffles Place..then popped by POSB then went temple..then had tea with mum at Bugis Junction..then had a second session of tea with Sherwin at TCC Raffles Exchange..then met up with him again...and caught a bus to his place...

He was walking around the house clad only in his jeans..hanging loose on his hips..almost falling off..tousled hair and impish grin..an absolutely delicious sight..titillating to the senses..haha...felt like devouring him there and then..

We walked over to the place for makan with Ling & gang..ws irritating me all the way..hahaa....stupid man...somemore called me a "fool" twice in a day..kicked his butt when we were in the lift in his block....supposed to have been my bday dinner..albeit a week and a half in advance..went to this HK style restaurant along East Coast Road..quite interesting..

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Had a movie marathon today..went to catch "Goal" in the afternoon...then had dinner at Manhattan Fish Market...then caught "40 yr old Virgin"...both shows were just mediocre..
nothing much to shout about..nothing that leaves an impression on the mind..just those kind of shows with a predictable plot and storyline..the second show was pretty slow moving.. was fidgety in my seat by the time I was 1/3-way into the movie..but must admit, there were some really funny moments where you just laughed your freaking head off...

Kinda just hung around at Pacific Coffee Company at Terminal 2 after that..tsk..boring way to spend a Saturday night..would have been better off having a drink or two somewhere...but didn't think he would allow that..so didn't bother suggesting..haa...

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feeling guilty. shucks.

promised yiyong that I would call him at 1pm my time..(12am his time) on his birthday...7th october...totally slipped my mind..by the time I remembered..it was already 5pm my time...which would mean about 4am his time...dropped him an SMs instead...hope he received it...

tried reaching him this morning...1030am my time..should be about 10pm his time I think? But nobody answered the phone... =( am feeling guilty about it...opps...

It's Time

Aiyo...heavy heavy...I can feel the flow...disgusting as it may be..
It's kinda weird this time round...first kena diarrhoea..
And now my legs feel like as if the energy's being zapped out from them..
Aching calves and thighs..Hell, even aching soles..TMD.

Maybe cos I missed it last month? So this month it hits in full force??

Just had a nonsensical thought.
I'm supposed to "stock up" on red blood cells for the op..by taking more red meat and such...
Now I'm losing instead!
High quality cells somemore..highly oxygenated and containing lotsa minerals..

To the Red Biscotti

Looking around the room, I noticed remnants of you here and there. The grey Tatty bear that sits on my bed. The floppy brown dog, my xmas present in either 1999 or 2000, given when I just finished a carolling performance at Bugis Junction. The little brown bear which came with a bunch of fresh flowers...delivered to my office for our 4th year anni in Oct 2003. The little white sundress you got for me. The precious moments alphabets spelling out my name, given for my 22nd bday. And then there’s those two Jap pictorial books hidden in one of my drawers. Still remember that I teared when I first read them.

I suppose all these little things were your way of saying ‘love you’ and ‘I care’. Reading your old blog entry that day evoked a lot of memories in me. Thank you for your love and commitment then. Things didn’t quite turn out as you expected and I apologise for the hurt that I might have caused you back then. I was curt to you and threw tantrums haa… paiseh for being so wilful, impatient and grumpy with you always.

Guess on my side, I was also not one who was good at expressing her thoughts and feelings. For the longest time (hmm…it was really a long time), I didn’t want to think about things and whenever those thoughts (of whether our relationship was going the right way) came up, I chose to shove them aside rather than confront them head-on. And I just clung onto whatever existed, whether out of habit, whether out of familiarity, I don’t know.

But trust me, many a time I wanted to speak to you, but never mustered up the courage to. Things got kinda bottled up and in the end, it just reached a max capacity where I had to do something. I must have wasted quite abit of your time and effort yeah?

Well, anyway, no use saying so much now yeah? A year and a half later. And I realized that maybe you don’t need anymore clarifications or whatever. You ain’t those that speak about things. More often than not, you think and ponder…but never voice out to the party in question.

We have both moved on. We have both grown. All the best in your efforts leh..lotsa moral support from me ok. You know that..haa..

Glad we’re still there for each other as friends.
Here’s wishing you well always.
Stay crappy, philosophical and creative ya.

p/s: don’t smoke so much lah…

Shell

first thoughts last thoughts

Awakened at 4am last night. To the smell of rain in the air…that bitter-sweet crispness that seeps into every of your sensory glands and flows into the synapses of your brain. Also to the sound of the curtains flapping lightly, rustling leaves, swaying trees, pink skies, flashes of lightning illuminating the dimness and...thunder reverberating in the distance. It was not long after that raindrops began to fall. Gently at first..then with increasing intensity..

Even in that groggy state of mind. My immediate thoughts were...Is he awake too? Does he know it's raining? Are his windows open? Will the rain splash in on him? Hope he’s covered up under his blankie.. Hope he’s wearing a T-shirt at least…Hope his sleep doesn’t get interrupted by the thunder.. Hope he’s not bothered by mosquitoes…

Couldn’t quite get back to sleep till much later..didn’t feel at peace..mumbled a mantra my aunt taught me..na mo am mi tuo fuo - om mani pad me hum…a Buddhist chant to ward off evil spirits..

Got up pretty late at 11am. Tired out by the previous day's activities..sun was high up in the sky..and hmm…first thoughts were..wonder if he’s going off for lunch soon? Hope his day has been okay so far..Hope his customer calling goes well too…Wonder if he's popping by the gym today?

Hmm…miss my baby..

from me to you

Things are abit different. Just feels abit different.
How different? Just like as if there's a shift in paradigm..
I don't know...less closeness perhaps?
Or some sightless burden weighing down within you..
There's still a chunk of you that I don't know..
That I've not seen..that I don't understand..
And I prolly might never will..
Quite some changes in your life this year..With another one impending.
(Same goes for me)
Just wanted to let you know..I am all ears here..With you..For you.
Just hope that you are happy..Just hope you are fine..
Just hope that things will all be aye-okay for us.

awwww.....

He : Just wanted to say that I really treasure you alot.

She : Even if it means giving up your work? Giving up your dreams?

He : Yes.

She : Even if it means not being able to have kids. Even it if means...watching me...die?

He : Yes. You mean the world to me and I will never let you go. I will never forsake you...

(hugging scene) (tears)

=======================
Aw man...sucker for romance...Just finished watching an old Jap drama last night. "Beautiful Life". Kimura Takuya as the main male lead. Borrowed VCD from wm's sis. Was crying throughout the whole of the last disc. That means an hour of non-stop leaking and gut-wrenching sobs. Which translates to predominantly swollen lids and extremely dry and tired eyes today.

The heck with it. Am starting with a new drama today. "Long Vacation".
Kimura Takuya again. Hunkalicious. *slurp*

fav song of the moment..

"Boulevard Of Broken Dreams" - Green Day

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah,
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah
Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I walk alone
I walk a...

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone...

prince keleng & princess shell

Had a funny feeling this morning when I got up. Not any weird premonition or anything untoward. More like this feeling that hmm...today is a special day. Made myself sit down at my desk and I started counting the days off the calendar. Bingo.

It's our 500th day together!

Though abit sad that I did not get the chance to spend it with him. What a waste. Should have noted it down earlier...As I'm typing..the clock's ticking away.. our 500th day is gonna be over soon.

5 4 3 2 1....ok, it's officially our 501st day together already...

I made a promise to myself a few months back. Of what I will do on our 700th day. Gotta remember that.

He's out boozing with a bunch of friends now. Miss him alot suddenly. Alot. Just yearning for a reassuring hug and a kiss. Ones that will make me feel like even if the world crashes down on me, he'll be there to hold it up and protect me.

Gaining Lost Ground?

Am in a more subtle frame of mind. Simmered down after the initial boil-over.

Read the post on quarter-life crisis which Heng passed to me in his comment. Spot on. Spot on. Came across a similar one eons ago too.
http://volition.blogspot.com/2004/05/being-twenty-something.html

A particular sentence caught me and lingered in furrows of my mind.
"The stupid ones plateau, the smart ones rise."

Guess I belong to the former. Though believe you me, I would very much endeavour to cross the fence. Hmm...though the fence seems abit high for me to clamber over at the moment. Been trying. Gotta plant some hand-holds and foot-grips somewhere. Some conscious effort, hard work and patience is needed definitely.

It's true how alot of us are going through the same things, the same changes, the same feelings, the same insecurities, the same confusion, the same thoughts. Been through these conversations with different factions of people. Older ones who say they’ve been through all this and just to be patient cos time will just straighten things out. My peers who are in a similar disarray and floundering around. I suppose, it’s how you handle it that makes the difference. And weeds out the stupid ones from the smarter ones. And as the boss likes to put it, changes don’t wait for us to get accustomed to them; we have to keep changing the wheels of the car even while it is running.

I have always succumbed to asking the provincial question: WHY? Why do things happen as they do? Why are things this way and not that? Are we just puppets on a marionette? Some say it’s pointless questioning so. And I agree. Even if you are on an inexorable quest seeking for answers to your WHY question, who’s there to answer it anyway? But somehow, it always ends up that this same question reverberates though my mind, despite knowing full well I probably won’t get much answers anyway. And invariably, I would end up mulling over things. Bad habit. Debilitating to the soul. Tsk.

Another bad habit I possess which the article touched upon as well. I’m a clinger. I hold on to the past tenaciously. Sometimes, over-zealously. Gotta learn to let go, pick yourself up and move on. I find comfort in the old and familiar though I know too for a fact we have to let go at times in order to move on. A friend once gave me a keychain which I treasured a lot. It held an inscription which read “Look at the past, learn from it and move on.” How apt now when I think about it.

Obstacles are meant to be crossed, not sulked upon.
Look forward and trudge on.
Yeah. Shall not allow myself to wallow and roll on a plateau.
I will be a smart one, soon enough.

Conscious effort. Conscious effort.

miniscule rantings..

itchy finger...was fiddling with the html codes on my blog...darn...now my profile links and the archive links are all shifted down to the bottom of my blog page..have absolutely no idea how to bring the back to the right side of the page...help help!! anybody got any idea at all??

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there's so much irritating people out there who post spam comments on my blog...
any idea also how to get rid of them??

the story of the perpetual pessimist..

There once was a girl
Who loved to laugh and play
With all her pretty little friends
Ho-Hum they went
As they skipped and danced
And giggled and sang

As she grew older however
She laughed less
As morosity and pessimism
And uncertainty and fear
Grew their tentacles
And kept their vise on her

Let me be!
She cried angrily
Away with you monsters!
I want to laugh and dance
And be merry again
Go away and never come back!

Try as she might
Hard as she fought
It was hard to get rid of them
At certain times
She did get peace
And the motivation to carry on was strong

She met others who told her
Look into yourself
Dig deep down
Where doth your faith lie?
Where doth your strength come from?
Seek it and nurture it

Still seeking...
Still nurturing...

=====================

Thought I handled things pretty well the 2nd time round. Kept myself busy and tried not to think too much about anything..and well..just let things be..Then the delay just got my defences all down again..found myself sobbing last night..at the slightest thing. yeah...the emotional, irrational me.

so many pple are going overseas..xl n kym are going japan, celebrating xmas there..win going taiwan..oso spending xmas there...radio going to pakistan soon...the cet girls are gg bkk in nov..pq just came back from bkk..lydia just came back from hk..just hearing all these made me weep last night..i know..shallow thinking on my part...but then it's quite frustrating when u can't go and dunno when you can go..and then u hear of all these people going...and sharing their joy with you..(wtf..hmm..selfish of me..)

there's a lot of pent up energy within me..dunno why..i go to sleep restless. i wake up restless...i go through the motions of the day restless. hmm...frustrating. my forehead is clasped in a perpetual frown and i'm having tummyaches cos of my constant tenseness and grumpiness..am i i just stressing myself for no apparent reason? and it's driving me nuts...nothing much to do at home..watch tv, read book, surf net, read papers and you repeat the cycle all over again. and today's only tuesday? I still have 10 more days to go at least before 11th oct..

i wake up thinking...it's yet another day..damn how am i gonna spend this day?

shit..i have to wash myself clean of such thoughts..i can't allow myself to get down in the dumps again..argh..BUT there's nothing to keep myself occupied!! there's nothing to keep myself busy!!! there's nobody to keep my mind off things!! there's no work to do to keep my thoughts from wandering!!! there's no colleagues around to talk trash with you!!!

it's been a week since i last saw him..exactly a week..offered to come on sunday but flew my kite. disappointed but anw, he's not obligated.

love is??

Got this off National Geographic last night

~Love is like knotting a tie
Cos you'll never know how it will turn out
Sometimes you have to loosen it
Sometimes you have to tighten it
Sometimes you even have to re-knot it~

Thought it was interesting...
How people can always come up with analogies or personifications...
To better represent abstract feelings...

==================
~When I need you
I just close my eyes and I feel you
I hold out my hands and I touch you
You're here in my heart
Night and day~

I am but a puppet...

~Fate plays its hands...am a puppet left to dangle~

I really don't know what to say anymore. I cannot take unexpected turn of events. The op has been delayed again. AGAIN. That is the keyword. AGAIN. 3rd time. For the fucking 3rd time. And this time round, it's me. Cos I fell sick. Out of 2 whole months to fall sick, I have to fall sick 3 days before D-day. I just wanna bang my head against a wall.

It's frustrating. Now I'm at a loss of how to handle my leave. I can't possibly be going back to work for like 8-10 days, then running off again? Think I'll have to eat into my annual leave..And it's difficult having to tell others again that it's been delayed again...macham as if I'm playing a trick on them...I know it's not within my control..but tamade gan suay lor...the timing has to be so bloody zun...Pple have been sending sms wishes since morning...since last night even..it's tiring having to tell pple about it..needless to say frustrating having to repeat everything a thousand and one times.

I know ahboy will say "it's not within our control". And I know heng will say "ai zhai...". but I still can't help it..and mum is insisting that I try to change the date from 11th to 4th..cos 11th oct happens to be my lunar birthday. 9th day of lunar 9th month....arrggghhhhh....been bugging me...Please. Just spare me can?? Please? Just spare me.

Am leaking like a tap now. Just got shouted at. I'm on house arrest for the next 2 weeks. What the fuck? What the god-damn fuck??? %^$#^##!!%&~**~^(&

And I'll be spending my birthday in hospital. My 25th birthday. My quarter of a century brthday. How sweet. How exciting. And oh..How refreshing. Yeah.

I really can't help ranting now. Is 2005 a test for me?

I mean..things have just been going haywire after CNY. Home PC crashed on me, office laptop crashed on me, old handphone crashed on me, lost my new handphone, work ain't very smooth either, collapsed in office, got this stupid medical condition, need to go for op, need to be on medication everyday, op kena delayed 3 times, drifting apart from family, more arguments with ahboy, more quarrels with friends, blah blah..

I'm losing faith..
If everything happens for a reason...please enlighten me...what might that reason be??

retrospect : thursday night's story...

suddenly remembered the angst I experienecd on Thursday evening..and felt I had to pen it down..but the feeling's subsided already...so all that is penned down is probably just a teeny fraction of what i really felt that day...

somewhere along the line as the days go by ever since graduation...somehow..someday..it ended up that i was usually the one who organised gatherings for the uni gang..this time round was no exception..perhaps the baton should really be handed over to daniel..cos i'm quite sick of doing it already...y am i sick n tired of it? i mean..don't get me wrong here. i'm really glad that there are the regulars who turn up..and there are those who turn up even though for a short while..at least they make the effort to turn up and show abit of face as promised. And then there are those too who even though they are busy, they still make the effort to come...

But there are others. Others who promise that they'll turn up. And fly your kite at the last bend. Others who get your hopes up high..only to slam you down on the ground with a last minute sms to say "sorry i can't make it". Others who say "ya ya of course i will turn up" and when the time comes, they've gone MIA without even a single call from them. Others who promise the sky and heavens and at the end of the day, what you get is just an empty broken eggshell. And still, there are others..who do not wish to commit whether they can or cannot..and just give you "neither-here-nor-there" answers...

I booked a table for 18-20 pax. 10 or 11 turned up. Half the headcount. 50% dropout/ MIA/ fly-kite rate. How sweet. I remember calling daniel up...and the poor soul had to listen to me screaming over the phone..and hmm..was so irritated that there were cuss words flying around..

I implore you. Please. If you cannot commit, just say you cannot. Period. Don't give me any crap about how you will try to make it if possible...blah blah..It seriously hurts less if you just tell me upfront that you cannot make it. And it seriously makes for easier planning.

The one thing I cannot stand most is having my hopes up high and then having them dashed to pieces.

Throwing in my towel. Raise the white flag please.

counting down??

it's sunday already..am getting worried...fever ain't going down yet..hmm...am gulping lotsa water and undergoing intensive sponging sessions...hope things can go ahead as planned..

mumps are still swollen..even my tonsils are slightly swollen today... =( face looks like a god-damn beef patty! tmd...

feeling less sleepy now..maybe go watch vcd..then go snooze..

sighz..ipoh just called mum..family squabbles again..till ipoh even called mum...tsk tsk..and it all started with an innocent remark from adrian..that got mama thinking too much..which got ahgor trying her best to explain things to mama...till ahgor cried..and then somehow mum..and now ipoh has gotten involved too??...piangzzz...

wonder what weini is working as? her friendster pics always show her with lotsa HK stars..hmm...i dun mind working for her company man..haa...pics with gallen lo, jay chou, daniel wu, stephen fung...and the list goes on!!

squiggly thoughts..

heng's comment said : "the person who you will be with is the one whom you first think of when you wake in the morn..."

Lemme just add on to that. "The person who you will be with is the one whom you first think of when you wake in the morn and the person who's in your last thoughts when you go to bed at night."

food for thought..is this true? well...wonder what the burong will say...

==================
my blisters still hurt...*pout*...two on my right foot...and one on my left...argh...and they're so unsightly..haa...big red sores...think one is scabbing already..sighz...look wat vanity does to women...and damn..that new pair of shoes really "bites"...but i still love it anyway! haa....

==================
xl n kym jio-ed me to ice cold beer just now...CMI..Ling jio-ed me for breakfast tmr at 201....CMI....argh......okok..shall put these on my wish list...of things i wanna do when i settle this draggy issue....

Wish List:
- go pubbing like xiao! i will not aim to damage my liver but at least train it to tahan more...
- go clubbing with PQ and/or Ally..been talking about it for years...
- go swimming regularly & hit sentosa at least once a month
- eat all i want!
- stay out as late as i want
- have breakfast with Ling, Kel..and maybe ahboy (if he is willing to drag himself to Tampines haa...) at 201
- hang out more with sec sch friends...(..seem to have drifted apart abit..)
- take more pics!!
- learn blading
- save more $$

achievable? well...we'll see.....=))

aargggghhhhhhhh

god-damn uncanny...really don't know what to say..kinda at a loss for words...is it really fated? got up today..with my mumps swollen and by afternoon..was running a fever of 38.1...highest it climbed to was 38.3 at CGH A&E dept...it's since gone down to 37.3 to 37.5 thereabouts...and i've not had a fever for a very very long time..years in fact...and it has to occur now. 3 days before my op.

Just really hope the fever will totally subside before the op...seriously praying hard for it not to be affected..else i'll just scream my head off.

feel abit "cheated"...i booked tix for me n ahboy already...for two shows at PS "The Longest Yard" & "Cinderella Man"..had to gv both a miss...and ahboy ended up going home..with no place to go..there goes my $40 bucks..*poof*

Mum just sponged me..with lotsa TLC & cold cold ice...feel like an overgrown baby..haa.
hmm..must remember to set alarm..getting up at 4am for my medicine..


*praying hard*

Time for Mushiness???

Love the way your eyes crinkle
Love the way you laugh
Love your nose
Love it when you're around me
Love the silly grins you make
Love the brain sitting within your head
Love the narcissist in you
Love your side profile
Love your smart ass remarks
Love the way you look when you're sound asleep
Love the way you look when you just got up
Love it when you run your fingers through my hair
Love your smell
Love the way you swagger with confidence
Love it when you are at your gentle times
Love it when your dimples flash
Love it when you drop me sms-es
Love it when you buzz me and ask me how's things
Love the way you drive
Love it when you smell my hair
Love it when we kiss
Love the way you roll up your sleeves
Love the way it feels when I hug you
Love your wit

Love you...

~Loving you...comes naturally to me~

blah blah..

thursday was my last day in office..that is till i'm back with a vengeance in november ...haa...well..the intern came in on wednesday..she seems pretty dao..questions are answered with monosyllables and no smiles..other questions or comments are met with ultra sceptical raises of the eyebrow...like as if you're the one asking dumb questions..wtf is this kind of attitude?? simply puts me off..like as if we owe her big time...

hmm..find it abit of a waste..just when i was getting to get along better with allan..then it's time to go off on my hiatus..

==============
been a helluva makan week for me...monday wedding dinner..tuesday went manhattan with the dept for lunch..wednesday went buona vista for duck rice during lunch..thursday night with uni gang was at swensons suntec and went rohlin's cafe for an ice-cream bonanza plus booze..went indochine: forbidden city after tt with xl for more drinks..the friday..went dinner at rice table with joyce n ling..and hung around coffee club after that.....*burp*....gosh.........the sins of eating..makes u so full..you don't whether to sit or stand or lie down to make urself less gorged...haa...

thursday night with xl was a nice one..2 girls chilling out..both dun need to work the next day..spent like 3-over hours just talking over iour dumplings n martinis...been a long long time since we hung out together like that...the feeling's just great!! hmm...the last time was during...hmm...hostel days i think?? 3 yrs ago?? or maybe sometime last yr during one of our sentosa trips...anyway...tokked mostly on relationships n bfs...yada yada...girl talk...got hm at 330am..ahh...the luxury of not having ur parents in town...

friday night..haa...joyce n ling...same thing..girl talk..whoa..haa..found out much more things and the whole group..who knows what, who knows who..how who got to be in the group..blah blah..sibei complex....joyce is cool..really think she's got so much strength and level-headedness in her...ling too..frank n outspoken..not afraid to show her thoughts n feelings..

19th september! it's a monday!

got back not too long ago from Teck Seng's wedding dinner...he and his wife looked so good together...and their wedding photos looked so nice...=) kinda made me wonder when's my turn...haa... (hmm...??)

===========
times flies...it's already past mid-September..am handling it better this time round..less emotional and well..am thinking about it less too..good in someway...doesn't make me feel so weak n vulnerable..

mun kitt told me something just now.."when you're back from your hospitalisation leave..it's time to cheong"...aw man...i've been earmarked for battle!!...haa...abit apprehensive..not sure how things will be like when i get back..what with so many changes taking place...hell..they're gonna hire at least 10 new people leh...HR mgr, CET mgr, WSH Biz Devt Mgr, Cust Svce Mgr, another new SM, 1 more PE for WSH, MIS Mgr...and at least 2-3 others..which i cun rmb their job scopes...

asked mun kitt a dumb question..will i still be sitting at 35th floor...and he said..yah..i would be..i'll be mktg but helping out in WSH...hmm...so kinda like my job scope doesn't change that much after all...wonder what'll happen to lian though...

===========
meeting ahboy tomorrow...=)

alienation...

Am feeling a tad alienated..don’t wish to speak too much or anything…just wanna be by myself…quietly hanging out in my own space…can’t do that on Sundays though..bro, dasao & marc are here…and my room becomes the centre of activity..cos that’s where marc’s toys are kept…can’t listen to my music..can’t chill by myself…and I’ll get irritated by the gurgles, shouts and screams..that is..till 2plus when they leave….

But nah..today’s a slightly different story..marc didn’t wanna go home..so bro n dasao left him here…hope I don’t get too disturbed haa…

Hmm…yeah…alienation is the word…can’t connect with them as much as I used to be able to…sighz…when I’m at home…I just don’t feel like talking...attempts at conversation will be met with short responses from me…and sometimes curt ones..know it’s not right of me..and know it’s definitely not fair of me…and know it’s not polite of me…but somehow can’t help it…it’s like as if I’m re-living teenage angst in my mid-twenties…

But I also try lah..to engage in some conversations which are more cheery…perhaps the focus in our lives are all too different?? Me being the youngest, I still wanna have my fun and all…whereas mum n dad are in a different era…and bro n dasao are in the stage of life where building a family nest is the all important key…

Marc’s just gone off for a nap in mum n dad’s room…peace for the moment…the solitude within my own four walls is reassuring…can’t help wondering...think I’ve built up the barrier myself..fencing myself from their side of the pasture…holing myself up...hmm…

senseless mutterings...haaa....

this is what happens if you're not out on a saturday night..you end up hiding in your room..with the PC as your constant companion..and music as salvation to your soul...and blogspot as your outlet for senseless mutterings...lotsa scattered thoughts...

=================
feeling abit lonely now...the room's all dark...listening to josh groban & charlotte church "The Prayer"....charlotte church's voice is really good..so young and so talented...moving on to Kevin Kern now...shucks..this really brings back memories man..6 years ago...1999 hall one hall ball pageant..haa...gosh..that was like eons ago...still remember those dance practices and catwalk sessions in the oldd canteen one...and well..that was where i met dan, kym n xl... =)

==================
meeting the whole uni gang this coming thursday..haa...forced the whole gang to turn up cos so many peeps' bdays are in Sept...made them feel guilty if they don't come...so far attendace is 95%...only seng has not reverted...hope no drop-outs or no kite-flying on the actual day...wonder if my own boy will turn up?

==================
mum made me throw away all my dried flowers...3 bouquets in all....sigh....2 from ahboy... nagging about how there's germs clogged up in there..and breeding ground for all other types of insects...and it's smelly and all...sigh...

==================
need a drink now...give me anything..feel like opening up the absolute sitting in my cupboard..it's smiling at me...help!

==================
hmm..what's the right word to use?...i feel...i dunno...content? touched? that there's so many pple out there who care....

==================
aw man..ever since graduation..i gave up on neopets and have not signed in since then..that was lkike what..3 yrs ago?? haa....somehow..decided to pop in and see how are things now in this site....and well...my virtual pets are still around...hmm..now trying to see if i still remember how to play the things...and exploring the new features and new things they have in there...man..i am really bo liao...

went Starhub Waraku on Thursday night...with th, ally, pq and kae min (this one's a rare guest! haa...)...notti me...had beer with my meal...damn..think i've been drinking almost every week for the past 4 weeks?? though not heavy drinking or what...but erm..haa...abit notti...drinking on the sly...

booked the tatami private room..hmm..not exactly private unless you pull down the blinds..haha...had my lovely oyako-don..think i'm doing my rounds...makaning all the food which i like which i might not get to eat till much much later...well..normal simple dinner...tok crap...listen to crap...bunch of peeps basking in each other's company...

===================
ah boy "signed his life away" liaos...on friday afternoon...and gegelai's once again his boss...hmm..indonesian market...wonder how often he has to fly there next time?...am happy for him...great exposure...will def learn a lot of stuff in this new position...

sighz...where am i heading in my own career path? just wondering how things will possibly pan out? the risk-averse me?? the tak-garang me? the...??...focus is def on $$ and exposure..my learning curve has definitely room for expansion..but i'm not getting to learn much...don't have a proper mentor to guide me along...what i have are bosses who do things themselves or bosses who ain't clear on their own direction...will things be different when i move more into WSH? hope so...a different ball game altogether...and a different reporting officer...hmm....sighz..

===================
quite a fun bday dinner we had for joyce n ahboy on friday night..went to tian tian steamboat..hmm..didn't have enough of my wanton though...but gorged myself silly on the luncheon meat and the lotus root..haa...and the mushrooms...woohoo!!

was tokking to joyce about her india missionary trip...really puts us all to shame..here we are...in a rat race...chasing for riches and material comfort, bemoaning about the lack of this and that...whilst others are giving up all these and in their simplest purest faith..and in their moment of calling from God...setting up help shelters for strangers...there was this brit family who set up a special school for autistic children in a super ulu place..8hr car ride from new delhi...and they've been there for 5 yrs and counting...just pure faith, determination, belief, grit, and gumption...

was really nice tokking to joyce...her coolness, steadiness and aptness to express herself in verbal communication never fails to astound me...super cool lady...really hope her scholarship comes in soon...but if she really goes overseas...am gonna miss her man...

retrospect...

tried to post something on Thursday whilst in office...then the blospost server wasn't too friendly..when I clicked "post"...it redirected me to a "Requested Page Cannot Be Found" apge...and whatever I typed...was gone to the world forever...darn...still remember my first reaction was "har?"...followed by "tamade" and then "%^*&$*60%^&".....couldn't do much about it cos i had to rush off for dinner appointment liaos...

Shall attempt to re-enact what I typed that day...though think it would have lost almost 80% of its original essence...

=================
yiyong called me up from the Sates on Wednesday to ask how I was doing and also about the impending op...quite touched... =) haa...that wu gui actually remembered...dumbo..so late liao still haven't sleep..called me at 2am his time...

apparently he just came back from a mission a few days ago...kena activated to go help evacuate people from New Orleans with his Chinook helicopter...shared with me that it was quite a tiring experience..not to mention an emotional one..there was this lady who was hanging onto him, refused to let go..kept asking him to look for her husband and kid...but what could he do?? sigh..we are mere specks in this vast world...

haa...this fella...told me he did the mission for my sake..to help me accumulate more charity points in the eyes of god...so that he'll protect me in the face of anything...also told me he was praying for me everyday...awww.....so sweet.....haa....also made me promise to call him on his bday..7th October...10 days older than me...made a pact...will buzz him at 1pm SG time...over there it'll be 12am sharp..haa..=) 13 hours diff...

the only thing was that I couldn't help him with his problem...with that girl...sorry bro...these things..difficult to advise also..there's just so much uncertainty and probability and various permutations of how things might turn out...

wonder why matters of the heart are so complex at times?? you like someone...that someone is attached..but you're having such a great time with that someone...and that someone likes you too...and the world goes round and round...and the sun turns into the moon day in and day out...

==================
went for a kaya toast break on wednesday afternoon..whilst outside..received an sms from brian...told me he got me "poison" and left it on my desk..."poison" = our lingo for kopi or teh...caffeine...yada yada...helps lift someone out of boredom and monotony....

then when I went back to my desk..piangzz...i was expecting to see either kopi or teh..and it turned out to be a full box of chicken essence instead!! ...gosh...was damn touched man...and so paiseh....thanked him profusely later when i saw him at 6th floor...aiyooo....so paiseh...he said i should start drinking tonics to "boost" my health...haa...

ahboy says i should get him something in return...hmm...and then it'll morph into a never-ending cycle...hmm..haa...

mutter mutter...

received a call this afternoon...touched...devina...apparently she saw my blog and found out about the op..then gave me a buzz to chk out things are going..haa...sweet...simply sweet....put a smile on my face despite the bad day i was having...

=============
changed my msn sub-nick to "small thing blow big or big thing blow small"...didn't think much about it till ah-heng msg-ed me...haha..then i realissed..oh ya hor...sounds kinda crude..haha...changed it immediately....well..what i wanted to convey was this.."making a mountain out of a molehill or making a molehill out of a mountain"...

hmm....fodder for thought...

=============
had a nice dinner and chat session with lydia n ginger...haa...gossip gossip....=D

... ... ...

once the precedence has been set..does that mean it's ok for expectations to be of that same level... a year down the road? does that mean that there's no room for slack? or does that mean that expectations should be even higher cos the committment is stronger?

trying my best not to repeat what happened last year. What an anti-climax. TRYING is the key word..but things are not turning out like what I expected..who's to say? definitely not me. feel abit agitated.

felt maligned on 16th sept 2004...partly my fault, and definitely not entirely. but nevertheless, I was still blasted at big time. and as 16th sept 2005 approaches...well...sighz...trying is the keyword..but am directionless. abit give up..just tell me what to do, where to go...and i'll just do so...

or am i just a petty piece of shit who also does not like to share?

vexed
to the max

yada yada...

wanted to blog last night...had things to say...had stuff to mention...then the dumb server had something wrong...couldn't even get to sign in at all..fed-up...now..cun even remember what I wanted to say....

just that i'm a busy bee this week again...yesterday was my last photoshop class..kinda felt a tiny sense of achievement that i managed to "dong" and actually completed the course albeit it being just a short short course...

touched..haa...after my class last night..ah kok came from bishan, picked me up and sent me home...then went airport to fetch his wife...

=====================
feel like a dumb ass. just made the same mistake again...don't know how to say no..now i have a lunch date..with someone i feel i dun have the energy to go n entertain or bother with..hope he doesn't tok too much crap to jarr my nerves...hmm..so bad...he treats me real nice as a friend..was there to cheer me up when i was down n out....okok...will strive to be a good friend too...sigh...ganbatte-ne...

=====================
getting shacked out..walking around with droopy lids...everyday seems to be a blur..just whizzing by...get up..go to work..then after work..there's just so many appointments and meet-ups and gatherings to go to..esp when so many pple want to cram themselves into my schedule before D-day...

=====================
looking forward to friday...taking leave...envision it to be a slow lazy day with ahboy...

lost in the lalang...

the past few days have been a blur...been busy...

hmm..friday night..in the end..had dinner with James Heng..and then drinks with HB...You can call me 贱。But well..sigh..after all the kao-beh-ing...things turned out that way...and I still went for drinks with him...

saturday..got up and managed to get my butt into office for ICP launch...zombied my way around the whole day...haa..met up with ahboy in the evening...unexpected..but it made my day...watched "50 first dates" in the comfort of my room...heaven...never done this before actually..haa...been thinking abt him on n off for the whole day today...

sunday...was a lazy lazy day..spent my whole day sleeping....and generally doing nothing...and well....this morning...got up super early...to get to Yishun for the Maxtor thingy...managed to catch 40mins of winks enroute to BMSDC...

and well..stoned the whole day n office..haa....wondering how I'm ever gonna tahan till 930pm tonight.........i need toothpicks....to hold up my lids........

Wake Me Up When September Ends

...or when it's ending...

27th Sept..D-day...two and a half more weeks to go..think i'll literally wake up from the GA late on the 27th itself...and be stuck in ICU for at least 2 more days...which makes it....almost end of sept..

waiting...just waiting...

But when the time comes...

There are so many things
I come across daily
Which I wanna share with you
At the end of the day

But when the time comes
I forget all about it
Or am too tired to remember

There are other times
After I experience something
When I just wanna sms you
To share my joy or sadness

But when the time comes
I'm afraid of disturbing you
And that sms message remains purely in my mind

There are times too
When I am all ready, set, go
To hear you and speak to you
Just before I hit the sack

But when the time comes
It's an anti-climax cos you're a step ahead
And already snuggled up

There are instances
When I'm alone
I think of all which I wanna say to you
And all which I wanna blast at you

But when the time comes
Somehow all those words
Are beyond me
And my throat all but utters nothing

Argh. It's frustrating.
... ... ... ... ... ...

tired & pissed off

tamade dulan. sms, no reply. msn, no reply. sms again, no reply. it's always the same thing. it's no wonder why things didn't work out between us last time. AT ALL. fuck off for all i care. if cannot meet, just say cannot meet. if busy, just say busy. dun leave me hanging like a bloody rabbit. this thing was said like days ago. till now never confirm anything. i'm not a beck and call either.

swear i'm so bloody bloody pissed. pissed to point my throat's constricting on me.

====================
am tired. dragged myself home after class. and just collapsed on the bed..amidst my bag and jacket and pillows...then dozed off for like 20 minutes..jerked awake and forced myself up for a bathe..feel better now...in terms of cleanliness but not in terms of mood though..tmr will be another busy day preparing for ICP launch...