Monday, November 20, 2023
C & D
Friday, November 03, 2023
8 October
Alamak I forgot...the daily grind and dates and enrichments and family stuff and and and.....
Happy 12th ROM anniversary! :D
Lol.....better late than never
Happy birthday
3 Nov - Happy birthday Zain, wherever you are.
My P4, 5 & 6 classmate who left us back in 1996 or 1997.
You were a pain to deal with at times given your propensity to talk rubbish and play tricks on others. But you were nice and cool too. You were loyal to your classmates and "defended" those within your circle against other classes.
Heart
Senior heart consultant said I don't have whatever they said I had over the last 20years.
20years ago they said I didn't have whatever I had 35+years ago but I had a mild version of something else, mild pulmonary valve stenosis. 20yrs of this mild something...and now it seems I don't actually have it. According to this senior doc. I was referred to her by my regular doc and I'm not sure if I still need to go back to him to close the loop on things. Senior doc said my heart is fine in all aspects, as far as she could tell from my echo scan.
Don't quite know what to make of this news today...
Being the pessimist/complainer that I am, my immediate thought was to lament. The number of yearly checkups and on and off scans and fees that came along with these. The antibiotics that I've had to take before dental appointments over the last 2-3 decades. The constant informing of my condition to new doctors or GPs that I meet along the way. This thing that has been part of my identity for more than 35 years.
The other side of me is telling me to be positive and throw away the negativities. This is good news afterall. Senior doc told me to start getting active since she feels I am all clear.
Thoughts...
Thursday, October 26, 2023
C
cancer...
One of my bosses diagnosed with lymphoma
MIL had something this year
My insurance agent had thyroid tumour, removed it and now it's back again this year
Friends' fathers or FIL had some form of it
Ex-boss just passed on because of it
Cousin who succumbed to stomach cancer
Another cousin-in-law fighting breast cancer
:(
Rest in Peace Jenaline
Just found out. Sudden and shocking and upsetting.
Jenaline just passed on today. My ex-boss in a previous company.
Not sure what happened. But she was a good person...ever vibrant, cheery, active and energetic. She was one of those who tried to keep things going the proper way when we were in our ex-place. 傻大姐 demeanour at times but smart & intelligent.
Last saw her in 2018 at an ex-colleague's wedding. I remember her birthday each year but have not been wishing her the last few years. Thought about her recently but did not reach out. Maybe I should have.
Rest in peace Jenaline. Thanks for all the laughter, good vibes and advice you gave when I was in my 20s...You touched the hearts of all you met and I'm sure you are home with the good Lord now.
======
update: it was due to cancer
Jiayou
When you are used to having a cool cucumber as your big boss for more than 2 years...one who is steady and very cool and calm to hold the fort. So calm & collected that even other Senior Directors try to ask him for help to present to Minister-level folks.
When your new big boss is a kan cheong spider and younger and more energetic and the whole team has to oscillate to the other end of the spectrum to accomodate his style....
When it has been 6 months since your new big boss came in, and you are still trying to adjust to his ways...
When he replies emails within 30mins of you sending them out...and asks 5-10 questions for each case....
When...
When....
When....
Sigh...
Jiayou.
I can only trudge on. And breathe...and continue moving forward...bit by bit...though the counter forces seem to be growing more these last few months...
Friends
Been a strange month. Where emotions & stress levels are high.
And where I am somehow meeting up with old friends. Last 2 Sunday afternoons were spent meeting up with Ally & PQ, and then Kah Hui. Folks whom I've been meaning to catch up with for a looooong time but never managed to get down to.
Had a sudden invite that came in yesterday for a coffee date with Chiewz and Dan for this Sunday afternoon. It's been 4.5 years since I saw them. Hope it won't be awkward...shouldn't be la hor? We've all known each other for 24+ years already....
Much thanks to K...to be with the girls while I'm out for abit these 3 Sundays...
Wednesday, October 25, 2023
Reminder
Thoughts affect your feelings, which in turn affect your behaviour & actions.
Let's try to stay positive.
Happier thoughts.
Happier thoughts.
Happier thoughts.
Monday, October 23, 2023
17 Oct 2023
Laoniang si chap sar huey liao...
Not quite sure what to make of it. On the cusp of "middle-aged" but still called "young" by folks in my parent's generation.
As usual, the Toysrus' theme song rings in my head "I don't wanna grow up...I'm a Toysrus kid"...
Yea, I don't want to get older though I don't have much of a choice. It'll be better for me to accept it gracefully though and embrace it. Guess a part of me still wants to be in my mid-20s and early 30s...pre-kids...when I'm building myself at work and in personal life...when I had more confidence and felt I was ready to take on the world...
Fine lines, saggy skin, hair fall, white hair, rough skin...can you guys take your time to come....don so fast can...
Monday, October 16, 2023
thoughts
Colours
Was out for tea yesterday with Ally & PQ...They gave me a pretty bouquet of preerved flowers...lovely muted purplish & greyish colours.
They could decide which colour and eventually settled for this one.
They asked me what's my fav colour and I couldn't answer them too lol. I don't have a particular favourite colour. Ally said "I don't recall ever associating you with any particular colour". LOL LOL. She's right.
Clothes...I'd go for monochromes or blues, khaki and the occasional nudes and dusty pinks.
Flowers...I think pastels & dusty neutral colours work well...
Shoes...blacks, whites, pale pinks again...
Easy to match colours I guess....
Laoniang is boring. :)
Thursday, October 12, 2023
冷
Yesh...laoniang can be pretty lame sometimes...
===============
K: 你要不要我的鸡肉?
Me: 不要。我也有我的肌肉。*flexes arm*
================
K to N: You need to push yourself ah and focus..2 weeks later you have 4 exams in that single week. Push Push Push!
Me: Next time the girls no problem when they 生孩子。
K: ???
Me: Everytime push mah...by that time when they are giving birth they'll be damn good at pushing.
================
LJS
It has literally been DECADES since I had anything from Long John Silver's...I think the last time was when I was in secondary school or JC probably because that was when LJS still had an outlet at Tampines (was it Century Square? I cannot recall also)
Anyway, for the last 2years, I've been to Heartbeat at Bedok on and off for various things...and always passed by the LJS outlet there...each time I stared at the menu but eventually slunk away lol.
This morning, I gave it a try and got one of their breakfast sandwiches to go.
Got home and found out they gave me the wrong sandwich. :(
What was supposed to be a double pollock ended up being a spicy texas chicken.
It was still kinda nice though I felt it was quite salty and there was too much sauce. K & I felt that the chicken tasted like BK's tendergrill...He said maybe it came from the same supplier haha.
Will try more of their things next time!
And the knee again...
Went to the polyclinic today and got an x-ray on the right knee.
Doc said there's no hairline fracture. Which is a good thing...and yay! But that I strained 2 tendons...boo...
Scheduled for a physio appointment tomorrow. I hope it heals soon...
Tuesday, October 10, 2023
Knee
Right knee is worrying me. I fell on 20 Sept. It's 10 Oct now, around 3 weeks have gone by.
The swelling is gone but there are still aches, especially when I stopped using the Fastum gel about a week ago.
Thinking to swing by the polyclinic on Thursday morning. At least they have xray services there...maybe the doc can check for me to see at least in general what's going in.
Fingers crossed things are ok.
9 October
And so the older young un turned 10 yesterday....:)
She's a decade old liao. So fast.
I remember the trepidation when the csec date came....and the scary feeling of being able to hear all the surgical equipment and sounds of things happening in the operating theatre...All else was a blur after that and the weeks thereafter were a mix of joy, excitement, laughter, exploration and wonder...interspersed with frustration, helplessness, sadness and anger...
Hindsight makes all these seem less challenging now. How we've all grown.
It's been a trying time this year handling N. The attitude and downright plain rudeness at times has gotten to me many a time. I'm learning how to manage myself as well when in trying situations with her. I don't know how many deep breaths I've taken...countless lol. :)
Our Little Baby....Here's wishing you a very Happy Birthday. Keep up with discovering new things in the world and new facets of yourself! We'll always have your back and Dada, Mama and Mei Mei love you!
Stuff
Saturday, October 07, 2023
October babies
Nadya chose to go Sushiro for her birthday meal. I'm happy. I like Sushiro.
We're celebrating it on 8 Oct since 9 Oct is a Monday. She has an English exam on the same day too.
Welcome to the world of an October baby sayang....
One where your birthday hits the exam period every year from when you're P1 till you graduate from university lol. Jiayou!
Thin
Went to SP's Mum's wake this afternoon.
Received 2 "你瘦了" comments from 2 different pax. To which I responded "没有啊。Same as the last time you saw me."
Which is true.
But again. It makes me conscious. And it gets to me.
It's not that I don't eat or go on diets. I do eat, and I like my meats.
Dunno lah....pek chek...frustrated...somewhat helpless.
Friday, October 06, 2023
One at a time...breathe
It's been a week or more of alot of things...
Several celebrations, including a surprise birthday celebration this morning for my big boss TY. Coordinating this brought me some grief though...as meeting dates & rooms were changed several times and I had to coordinate the delivery of the cake. I happened to be the one doing this cos....I was the one who opened my big mouth to suggest this surprise to my immediate boss.
Had to order N's cake as well for this Sat evening's celebration with my side of the family.
Had a birthday lunch with my ex-boss and current immediate boss on Wednesday...
Trying to coordinate a congratulatory flower wreath to be sent to Sky's new jewellery shop....
And just received sad news that immediate boss' (SP) mum has passed away this morning. Had to coordinate with the executives to get them to re-arrange meetings scheduled for Monday, discreetly check with the team on "pek kim" contributions, and organise the condolence wreath to be sent over...
While trying to chase the never-ending pile of things feeding into my work to-do list....And trying to be patient with the older girl....and trying to get down to tackle that pile of laundry on the sofa lol...
Wednesday, October 04, 2023
Old boss
I had lunch with Choon Sai today...and SP.
Lol....lunch with retired ex-boss and new boss who took over him.
Felt nice seeing him...though he seems alot more frail compared to when he was still my boss....his voice is still the same.
Maybe I have a soft spot for him as he's born in the same year as my mum. Maybe it's cos he never really threw a tantrum at me, unlike some others I heard of. Maybe it's cos we had a little squabble before and we found a mutually respectful way to treat each other after that.
I hope his vertigo goes away soon and he recovers 100%. I hope his hearing loss doesn't deteriorate anymore (he has hearing aids in both ears now). And I hope he stays happy...
Of brains...
It's interesting. 18 years after I had a major brain surgery, I met someone who had the same brain surgery as I did.
Was having lunch with my colleagues at our pantry yesterday. I asked a guy if he went for surgery before as he had a scar on his head. Turned out that he had an aneurysm which burst 2-3 years ago.
He was lucky. Though he had bleeding in the brain and he collapsed, he managed to regain consciousness on his own and his wife took him to A&E. The bleeding stopped on its own, which was rare according to his doctors. But because it stopped bleeding, it also sort of saved his life as it didn't bring further damage or complications.
His surgery was smooth though the aftercare wasn't smooth. Apparently he spent another 2 weeks in high-dependency co she collapsed in hospital 3 days after his surgery due to low blood pressure and low sugar. Seemed like the brain function controlling his speech was also affected slightly and he couldn't talk for that 2 weeks. He made a full recovery after that though and was thankful that everything was ok. I feel happy for him too...and his wife and young son, who was only around 2 or 3 years old at the time.
I was lucky too. My aneurysm was discovered early before anything untoward happened. Thankful. Very thankful.
My colleague doesn't know if he has screws in his skull though lol....we concluded that maybe medical technology was more advanced during his time and maybe he didn't have any screws in. So I'm an old robot with 3 titanium screws...and he's the newer version 2.0 robot lol.
Monday, October 02, 2023
Time
Friday, September 29, 2023
To dance or not to dance
N is part of her dance school's scholarship programme and one of the soloists they are trying to groom.
Just received an email from them on her scholarship dance training/practice schedules starting from Oct onwards. They want her to do 3 solos and be part of 3 group dances next year....That's 6 items in total???!!!
They've put her down for three 45min sessions and one 3hr session each week. These are on top of her own normal ballet lessons which are at one 1hr session and one 1.5hr session each week.
Wah lau.
Really alot of time & energy...If we take them all up, that's ballet everyday except for Monday and Wednesday. I think we need to regroup....With the amount of time spent dancing, how much time does she have left for her school & enrichment homework? And she'll have zero me-time?
Need to talk to her too....the commitment needed is really.....alot if she wants to pursue dancing...
How do we balance this with her studies? She's not doing great in studies and next year she'll be in P5 already...she needs to get her foundations right before PSLE comes in 2025.
Breathe
Thursday, September 21, 2023
Ouch
Irony. I always tell friends, colleagues & my parents to be careful when walking, especially after rain when the ground is wet.
Was walking home yesterday at 5-plus when I fell. Ground was wet after the afternoon rain. Left foot slipped on a metal cover on the pavement, and I landed fully on my right knee with a loud slam on the metal cover. Happened in a second and I couldn't have prevented it at all. No reaction time.
I remember immediately uttering "SHIT".
There was a Malay uncle behind me who was fiddling with something from the box on his bike maybe 2-3 meters aware and he was quite sweet. He shouted to me: "You ok or not? Can walk? Must be careful ya! Don't walk on the metal covers! Aiyah, I also kena alot of times on these things, very slippery one! Next time don't walk on them ok! You ok? Need help or not? That's why lah, I don't know why they must put so many of these metal things on the ground. Aiyah next time don't walk on these already ok."
I got up, tested my knee and found I could still walk. Thanked the uncle and continued walking home, though slowly cos my knee was aching.
Went home and peeled my jeans off. Thankful I was in jeans else my skin would probably have had a bad cut. Kneecap was reddish, with some orh-cheh starting to show up. There were some patches of bleeding under the skin, and a small cut. Was wondering how the cut happened when my jeans was still ok and had no tear. Spent a few minutes wallowing then realised I should be icing the area.
Iced the area and felt myself getting increasingly anxious about it. Will my knee be ok? Got fracture or not? etc...Tried my best to calm myself down and manage myself. Felt ok enough to go out to the living room to have dinner with the girls. Ate halfway........and then I didn't feel right. Told K I had to go back into the bedroom to lie down....
And then it came.
The symptoms I felt whenever I had a fainting spell. The warmth, the cold sweat, the clammy skin, the tingles in the palms & fingers, the light-headedness. The greying and blurring vision...Wah lau I thought to myself...Somewhere in the midst of this, I had the sense to turn on the room lights, and turn on the fan, before throwing myself on the bed and trying to breathe and control the fainting.
Called out to K and he came in. I think I was rather pale and breathing quite hard by then. I remember moaning a little and whimpering. He was my calm anchor and held my hands. I could him talking to me in the background, trying to calm me down and assuring me he was there.
I'm not sure how long passed before I opened my eyes. I don't think I blacked out. I remember being conscious throughout, just feeling very uncomfortable and quite out of it. When I finally opened my eyes, I felt tired...quite tired.
Rested another 1.5hrs before I got up & out of bed, and carried on with whatever else I could eat and had a shower before crashing into bed again....
This vasovagal episode has brought me much anxiety again...Feels a little like I regressed. May I have the strength to manage my thoughts, emotions and feelings.
Jiayou Michelle....
Wednesday, September 13, 2023
Sick
Been unwell for slightly more than a week.
Nose was runny, then just mainly stuffed. And because I couldn't breathe properly through my nose, I had to breathe through my mouth, which made my throat dry and I ended up having a cough as well. Been trying to get rid of whatever mucus I have. But the moment I step into office (i.e. aircon) my nose stuffs up again.
It is getting better...but very slowly...
Not sure if going to the doc another time would help though. The Zyrtec I was given didn't help at all.
May I get well soon...
Overheard
The songs I've heard N humming or singing over the last couple of weeks:
- "You're my wonderwaaa--aallll..!!" (Wonderwall - Oasis)
- "I'm a Barbie girl, in the Barbie world! Life in plastic, its fantastic!" (Barbie Girl - Aqua)
- "They'll tell you I'm insane...but I've got a blank space baby..." (Blank Space - Taylor Swift)
- "I've got the eye of the tiger....you're gonna hear me roar..oh oh oh oh...." (Roar - Katy Perry)
- "Yeah -eh eh eh...party in the USA!" (Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus)
- "I can buy myself flowers, write my name in the sand...Talk to myself for hours...." (Flowers - Miley Cyrus)
- "Lily was a little girl, caught in the big bad world...." (Lily - Alan Walker)
Saturday, September 02, 2023
Unfamiliar places
1 September 2023 was Polling Day in the Presidential Elections 2023.
This round, our polling station was at CHIJ Katong Primary. We dragged both girls along because...no helper, can't leave them at home along and so...all went together lor.
As with any new and unfamiliar place, I'd get fidgety. I usually can still stay calm enough though.
There was initially only one queue but as more people came and the queue grew and spilled out of the main gate of the school along the road, the polling station officials decided to get people to do S-queues instead so as to maximise some of the wider spaces within the school compound.
And that's when the anxiety got to me more. People on both my left & right sides, despite them being maybe a metre apart from me on each side. The increased noise levels from cramming more people into the same space, the humidity, the not-knowing-how-long-more-we-will-be-stuck-in-the-queue....I could feel the anxiety creeping up.
Tried to keep a straight face. Not sure if I succeeded or not. I remember N holding my hand at one point, maybe she noticed my discomfort. Then she let me go and continued chatting with her sister. I held onto K's hand for the next 10mins or so...I kept my eyes closed for awhile....till I calmed myself down enough. As the queue moved and we morphed back into a single file line, and as we moved into a more open area within the school, things felt alot better...
Grateful for the kids' and K's presence.
If it were just me alone there, I'd take a much longer time to calm down and may have spiralled more.
Thursday, August 31, 2023
Little Baby
Little Baby is almost 10.
So fast, where did all the years go?
A's having some ulcers and sore throat so we had both of them sleep in separate rooms over the last 2 nights. N camped out with me in the master bedroom.
We had some 悄悄话 chat before she slept. She told me apparently a boy in her class liked her. Seems some of her female classmates shared this with her.
Hmm..I guess we're starting on all these already...I remember having my first crush sometime in P4 also..
Welcome to tweenhood!
Wednesday, August 30, 2023
Jiayou.
- Staff A every other day texting and asking to WFH cos son sick, daughter got issue, auntie sick, washing machine spoil...and every other day making mistakes on the job...
- Staff B asking to continue WFH on a longer-term basis cos left knee meniscus tear, right knee ligament torn...but refusing to go for surgery and seeking alternative treatment like seeing religious teachers/healers and going for massage.
- Staff C happily on holiday now and going on maternity leave from Jan onwards.
- Staff D keeps updating me on various things but does not communicate properly and technically I am not her reporting officer also.
- Officer from Ministry just gave me snide remark...sigh.
- Hair fall issue...
- Kid still giving me attitude form time to time though we're both trying to accommodate each other more and better these days...
Friday, August 25, 2023
Peanut
Hair
At this point, I think I'd rather have white hair than hair fall....
Hair fall situation is still bad. Good thing is blood tests show I don't have any thyroid issue or anaemia. Just that some readings may be on the lower end, but still within the normal range for a lady of my age.
Doc thinks it is due to the hair's natural growth cycle and/or maybe stress. K & I read online tat some people experience this 2-3 months after getting Covid.
I've embarked on a hair fall treatment based on an OTC product recommended by the doctor. It used to be only available at clinics till recent years when it was approved to be sold over the counter. I hope this works.
It is distressing seeing large amounts of hair drop whenever I bathe, comb my hair after bathing, or comb my hair after a night's sleep.
:(
My hair is important to me...it's been something I love and am proud of since my teens...
Fingers crossed this is a temporary phenomenon and that it stops soon.
Here fishy fishy
Just realised that we went from having salmon at least once a week.
To not having had any salmon at all for the last 4 months, ever since we let go of the helper and hardly did any cooking at home.
Laoniang wants her omega 3 and healthy fats....lol
Monday, August 21, 2023
Dance Mama
Nadya started having her ballet competitions around 2-3years back. A few months back I jotted down all of these competitions and her placings in the various categories in a little note on my phone.
I should transpose them into a nice little excel file.
It'll be a nice record of her competitions and achievements.
Who knows, if she's really going to do DSA, this list will definitely come in handy.
Ang Moh
I took a read of some posts from 10years ago.
And it hit me.
The longer I am in the working world, the worse my English gets.
I can't say that I wrote beautifully last time, but I think I expressed my thoughts alot better than what I am doing today. Or am I losing touch with the sentimental side of myself?
*horrors*
Monday, August 07, 2023
Dating Shows
I think...I am addicted to Korean and Chinese dating shows...
Part of me enjoys the heart-fluttering moments they sometimes bring to me. Part of me enjoys the Chinese that I get to listen to and "learn" sub-consciously.
Catching both Heart Signal Season 4 (Korean) and Heart Signal 6 (Chinese) concurrently now haha...
And why all these people so hamsum and pweety one...and all so smart one...
Either double degrees or masters or undertaking PHD research...doctors, lawyers, finance folks, etc...
Nvm...their countries are alot bigger...can find more of such folks around haha...
可以的。
Past 2-3 weeks. Feeling fatigued. Stomach also not doing too good.
Unsure how much of it is due to the stomach, or menses, or anxiety or not sleeping earlier. Or they are all feeding into and off each other in an undesirable cycle.
Chin up. Head up.
Jiayou.
可以的。
Hair
Wednesday, July 26, 2023
Balance
Struggling to find balance in this unbalanced world.
- work & family
- me-time to do certain things vs rest & sleep
- wanting to do more but lacking time, energy, motivation
- empathy & compassion vs needing to keep things going in the team
- objectivity vs bias when dealing with some people
- patience vs firmness with the girls
- wanting to eat everything vs taking care of a friggin sensitive stomach
- work vs no work or PT work
- headspace, mindspace, physical space
- building and doing vs dreaming
- cabbing vs bussing
- buy vs save
- and...the list....goes on....
Monday, July 24, 2023
ooof...
Emo + self-bashing mode seems to be on.
Ok, means 大姨妈 coming soon I think....
The older I get, the more emo I become when the cycle draws nearer.
Wednesday, July 19, 2023
Today's Teachings from a Buddhist Monk on YouTube
3
things to give up in life:
1 Give up excuses –
embrace your responsibility and face your fears
2.
Give up toxic
habits – because we become what we repeatedly do
3.
Give up fear of
failure – because success is not final and failure is not fatal
Monday, July 10, 2023
Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs
Self-actualisation – desire to become the most that
one can be, morality, creativity,
Esteem –
respect, self-esteem, status, recognition, strength, freedom
Love & belonging – friendship, intimacy, family,
sense of connection
Safety – personal security, employment,
resources, health, property
Physiological – air, water, food, shelter,
sleep, clothing, reproduction
I'm on Facebook alot less the last few years. Maybe it's to keep my mental well-being a bit better. On the occasions I’m in, I sometimes end up wondering why folks seem to be well-established in their lower tiers and moving on to their higher tiers.
I feel I’m stagnant in the low/mid-tiers and still focusing on some of my needs in those tiers.
Yup, I know that it’s not an absolute movement from one tier up to the next and things tend to be more fluid where people move up, down and in-between tiers. And yup, I know I should just focus on myself and my own pace as each person has his or her own path.
Reminders to self.
Just keep working on things, keep working on yourself, keep going.
Kaizen - little improvements, bit by bit...
Wednesday, July 05, 2023
Chin up.
Feeling a little lost at work. Feel like as if I am not putting in my best. Sometimes 有心无力.
Uncertainty and self-doubt is ever present and creeps up from time to time. Quite self-limiting when it happens. There are better days when it ebbs and I feel more confident of myself, and the things I do.
Just have to keep walking. Chin up.
Tongue Drum
My steel tongue drum has arrived.
Or tongue pan or tank drum...this instrument seems to have many names.
Bought a small one to try. 6-inch with 11 tones.
Not fully sure how to use it yet for meditation sessions but will slowly explore. Think I need to check out Youtube haha.
It's still in the box. Will open it tonight after the girls are asleep. Don't want them fiddling around with it just yet. :)
Monday, June 19, 2023
Dance!
Nadya had her ballet competitions on 5, 7 & 9 June. It was fun & tiring in a way for her. Also for the rest of us too. Alyssa who had to tag along with us. K who had to ferry us. And me, who had to settle her makeup and pack her costumes, etc.
Happy for her that she got placed this year.
- Beginner Solo - 5th (Fairy Doll variation)
- 9 & U - 4th (Candide fairy variation)
- 10 & U - 5th (Candide fairy variation)
- hand wash all leotards, leggings and any other inner pieces
- remind her to air out her shoes
- hand sew all ribbons & elastic bands on her pointe shoes (including figuring things out from Youtube lol)
- buying dance shoe bags
- sorting out all hair-related accessories like u-pins, bobby pins, hair clips, hair gel, hair spray, hair nets, etc
Friday, May 19, 2023
I...Don't...Know....
the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference
This too shall pass
11 May - Alyssa tested C+ in the morning. I isolated myself in my room with her. It's an SOP already since Nadya had it in Feb 2022 and I looked after her in my room as well. I spent 8 days in the room last year with Nadya and miraculously didn't catch the virus from her .
12 May - Night. I didn't feel good but was still -ve.
13 May - 5am. Was running a fever liao and I tested +ve. So after siamming the thing for 3 years +, I finally got it. Went to see the doc in the morning to get meds. There is apparently no official protocol anymore. Doc said if one feels fine with no fever, one can go anywhere even if C+. NO wonder numbers are sky-high...cos there are tons of C+ folks walking around outside...and probbaly half of them are not wearing masks also. zzz.
14 May - Spent Mothers' Day cooped up in the room. Throat was hurting quite abit, cough was quite irritating too. And then...Nadya tested +ve in the evening. So now there were 2 monkeys in my room. K being the last man standing had the rest of the house to himself. And he was quite busy looking after us and the house and doing the laundry and chores and getting our meals settled.
17 May - Last man down liao. K tested +ve as well.
18 May - Nadya only had fever for a day and was more or less ok by Tuesday. Maybe it was her 2nd time so her symptoms were quite mild. We checked with her teacher who allowed her to go back to school today. Alyssa was supposed to go back to school today but was experiencing nausea.
19 May - I went to the doc a 2nd time. I was having nausea too. And then diarrhoea in the afternoon. Doc said I migh tbe dehydrated and had to drink alot of water to clear the virus out from the intestines...
I hope Alyssa, myself & K recover fully soon....Today is Day 7 for me and I'm still +ve...I've not checked with Alyssa yet...maybe later this evening....
Monday, May 08, 2023
Helper-less
We've been officially without a helper for 9 days. Cancelled the work permit already.
It's been a period of adjustment. K & I have been taking stock of things...in the first 2-3 days, we threw away a whole bunch of items which were either spoilt, or in a bad state, but which were not brought to our attention. I've to admit that I did not check as well. Brushes, brooms, mops, pails, pegs, cloths, pans, ladles and mattresses and some bedlinen were all thrown out.
New ones were bought. K did a deep clean of both bathrooms, and has been doing daily cleaning of the bathrooms as well...and alot of laundry and dry & wet-mopping of the floor. 辛苦他了...
I've been doing the little things...the nitty gritty, the little bits and pieces...all the hidden areas that no one "remembers".....including wall skirting and other floor corners that can't be reached by the dry/wet mops, door rails, top of mirrors/shelves/fridge, inside the washing machine, below the fridge, inside the dustbins, top of railings, etc...Not sure how long these areas have not been cleaned but they were so dirty & dusty till I had to throw away a rag. Still not done with these areas...more to come...also the clearing of old clothes, etc.
It's a constant work-in-progress so I need to remind myself too that things cannot be done in a single weekend.
The girls have started their "training" lol. Happy to say Alyssa is adept at sweeping the kitchen floor (it's a tiny area anyway)....Nadya is pretty alright using the dry mop and can wash the plastic dishes well enough. She'll progress to washing the ceramic dishes in time to come...
I think....I am quite tired...but I am content and I am happy.
Wednesday, May 03, 2023
Her Thoughts on Ballet
30 April 2023. Sunday evening.
We were having dinner at the Viva Business Park. At the Fish & Kopi cafe next to Berries.
We asked Nadya a random question on how she felt about ballet. What she said caught me off guard.
In a good way though. I didn't expect to hear such comments from her. I felt quite proud of her and I was touched by her words too. After the dinner, I had to jot down her thoughts in my mobile phone as I wanted to remember what she said, in her exact words. And now I am jotting it down here, for posterity....
(1) I feel happy when I dance. It makes me forget about everything else and all my worries.
(2) When I dance, I know I can trust myself.
(3) It feels exciting when I get promoted to a higher grade.
(4) I feel happy when the teachers say I have improved or that I did well.
(5) Ballet performances look beautiful.
(6) Sometimes I feel proud of myself. And sometimes when it gets difficult or I find it hard to do a certain move, I feel like I want to give up. But then I ask myself: why do I want to do ballet if I want to give up now? Then I tell myself to continue trying.
Friday, April 28, 2023
Notes from a podcast
Be mindful about (i) body, (ii) feelings, (iii) mind, and (iv) mental states.
How to be mindful of your mind.....
Observe your thoughts, become aware of them. It creates a space between you & your thoughts. It separates you from your thoughts. Your thoughts come and go, there is impermanence. You are you, you are unchanged, but your thoughts can come and go. When you separate yourself from your thoughts, your thoughts become like an outside object and you hold a more neutral non-judgmental view on your thoughts.
Ask yourself: what are you thinking of?
It is challenging but you have to practise this and be mindful about it. It gets easier over time after you practise and practise it. Your anxiety is always triggered by an emotion. It brings you to the future – what happens, what will happen what might happen?
What made me anxious? What made me fear? Then come back and think of this present moment.
Practise mindfulness and the separation of you & your thoughts.
Show some compassion for yourself. No one can be perfect always. Perfection does not equal success. Just do your best.
Wednesday, April 26, 2023
Breathe
choose your battles.
even at home? with the kids?
trying time with Nadya.
had to walk away just now before I lose it in front of her.
Tuesday, April 25, 2023
Quote
Tomorrow must be created. It cannot be concretised today.
- Sadhguru
Sunday, April 23, 2023
The back
Strained lower back on 19 Mar.
Since then, I woke everyday with bad lower back aches and soreness.
Been doing physio stretches and exercises since Apr 13.
Happy that on 19 or 20 Apr, I woke without the bad stiffness and ache at the lower back.
And the morning aches are mostly gone too.
Ganbatte...继续走...
Jiayou...
Broke down and bawled on Friday night.
The cause? A difficult case at work which is bringing me much stress.
I'd already been feeling a little low and unconfident. And this case just tipped me over
And so yeah...11pm came, I walked over to K...he looked at me and I ended up....
A blustering piece of mess.
Mood is still a little low now.
Been working on and off over the weekend cos of some query from the powers up there. Makes everyone along the downstream chain jumpy, and the minions at the bottom of the food chain (aka laoniang) ends up having to dig info and investigate the issue...I feel it's mostly for nought and a waste of time to tweak things to the preference of some and an overkill to try to do certain things. But I am just a small ant...I can't say much or refute much also. Just do.
Anyway, I digress.
I will keep going.
I have to.
Monday, April 17, 2023
Time flies
Mentioned to Ally & PQ that N has some blackheads on her nose liao....why so fast??
Ally said it's puberty already...
OMG lah...so fast meh? I am not ready for the girls to reach puberty so soon...
Not ready to get into conversations on the birds & the bees, menstruation, boobs, bras, etc...
And mostly I am not ready to have their baby-ness go away...
:(
Note + Reminder to Self
Was listening to something on YouTube while editing a document.
Keeping the list here as a reminder......
1. Identify your emotions (recognise, be
aware)
2. Take responsibility for our actions (hold
yourself accountable)
3. Find a role model (as a good guide, how
do they handle negative feedback)
4. Keep a thought diary (identity patterns,
realise that bad thoughts and worries are not true)
5. Learn to be open-minded (hear others out,
less judgement)
6. Embrace reality (accept life, accept
flaws, accept what can’t be changed)
7. Pause and be patient (pause &
reflect, consciously choose how you want to react)
8. Live in the present (be conscious, be in
the moment)
Tuesday, April 11, 2023
11 April 2014
It's been 9 years since you left us Granny. I hope you're doing well up there and having fun being with Ipoh, Tuanku and the latest (and youngest) joiner, Brenda.
I still think of you often.
And most recently, I was thinking of the handmade potato chips we made whenever CNY swung by. How we sliced the potatoes using the handheld slicer (which I never got to use by the way cos I was still quite young at the time), how we laid out each slice on huge metal trays and also rattan trays, how we blanketed all those trays with so many slices of potatoes and sunned them all in the balcony.....How we collected the slices and then how you & Mum deep fried each piece lovingly and then sprinkled salt on them...how Adrian & I stole chips while you guys were making them heh...
I love you and I miss you.
I wonder sometimes how the nurses at the Econ Medicare home are too from time to time...I thank them for taking care of you in your final years...
Take care, wherever you are..
Frustrating Morning
"Argument" with the grouchy older girl.
Who has been giving me an attitude since last night.
Affected my mood. Made me anxious and frustrated.
Younger one is slowly being influenced as well and has started giving grouchy faces and pursed lips these last 2-3 months.
Overly chatty
cab driver. One baby roach in the car too. Crawling on the ceiling.
Made for a slightly tense 25min ride.
Rushing things. With one staff who kept bugging me on stuff at the same time.
Boss’ boss
pushing for things.
Big frowns.
Not talking.
Just listening to my piano music.
And just taking
deep breaths and making a lot of frustrated sighs.
I hope I don’t
disturb YZ who’s in front of me.
Sunday, April 09, 2023
9 April - part 2
It is a milestone of sorts...
Today marks the first time I used the razor on the older girl. She refused it this afternoon but came to me on her own accord in the evening...and so yeah...it's a first!
Have to slowly teach her how to use it in the future though...
Parenting is quite the journey...lol.
9 April
14 years ago.
9 April 2009.
K & I got together that fateful evening.
It's been a long running debate on who conned who to get onto the pirate ship.
到底是谁骗谁上贼船的?
lol...
Thank you sayang for being around all this while.
To the many ups and downs and everything in between...
And to the many more adventures and experiences we'll have in the future!
也不求什么, 材米油盐平平淡淡过个日子我也开心!
Monday, April 03, 2023
With Love & Patience
I remind myself quite often these days
When I'm running out of steam or patience
That when the girls ask for me, when they need me or want me to be around
To be there if I can.
For they are only at this age and this stage once in their lives
Once this stage is over, there is no getting it back
If they want any hug or reassurance or listening ear
If they want me to lie in between them while they fall asleep
If they want me to play riddles with them
If Nadya wants me to massage her back
If Alyssa wants to hold my hand or nuzzle me
I will try my best and be there
For I've a feeling that
It will be sooner rather than later
When they start to stop being this way
When they stop wanting to hold my hand
When they stop wanting to snuggle with me during bed time
When they stop asking for hugs and kisses
When this time comes
I don't know how I will feel actually
Because sometimes
I needed that hug more than they needed it
Tuesday, March 07, 2023
Breathe Again
Monday, March 06, 2023
Breathe
Breathe.
船到桥头自然直
Thinking, worrying won't get you anywhere much.
Stuck in a rut again. Worrying about upcoming things.
Maybe I should cut down on lurking on social media again. Many nice and happy (whether curated or not) photos out there that are making me subconsciously think?
Tuesday, February 28, 2023
Monsters
Read about a child abuse case in Singapore. And I was got quite....
Angry. At how the mother treated the poor child. At how the stepfather treated the poor girl.
Sad. At how the 11-yr-old girl felt during those last months of her short life.
Disappointed. That there are such scums around in our midst. That the welfare officer who had a video call with the girl just 3 weeks before her death, did not notice anything amiss. Even when he went to their house on several occasions and did not get to see her each time. Maybe he could not or did not have any means of issuing any harder enforcement against the parents. Maybe his hands were tied.
I hope justice is served. Even if the law lets them off more lightly then I would have liked, I hope God watches and sees....and metes out appropriate actions...
Rest in peace little girl. I think you're better up there in Heaven now.
Gave the girls extra hugs and kisses last night...
Thursday, February 23, 2023
Dear...
Dear Stomach,
Dear Gut,
It's been 4 years. I still don't know what exactly makes you upset. And I've already changed my diet alot to accomodate you. It's really a hit or miss sometimes. Please cooperate with me? I don't want to work so hard (over months) to increase my weight by a little, only to lose it again within a day or two when I get a bout of diarrhoea or "stomach queasy" situation.
I don't know how long I've not bathed my rice in curry gravy, gorged on a plate of tomato-based pasta, had wine, stuffed myself with a full plate of chye tow kueh or char kway teow......or drunk what used to be my favourite HL milk.
Let's work together ok? Let's work together with Mind too. And maybe Muscle too.
I believe we can...and I still look forward to curry-filled days.
Fighting!
Tuesday, February 14, 2023
For Posterity
Thursday, January 12, 2023
Ganbatte
Just realised I've neglected this space quite abit.
In all 17 years I've had this space, 2022 had the least posts. 74 in the entire year.
2022 was challenging and I felt like I was being pulled from all directions.
I am expecting the first 4 months of 2023 to be hectic as well. And I am really hoping that there is more breathing room thereafter. The new head of the unit I am covering is in, and I hope he picks up fast so I can throw most things to him soon.
Ganbatte Michelle.
Keep going.
Teary morning.
But.
Keep going.
Keep walking.
You can do this.
Tuesday, November 22, 2022
Keep going
Week of end Oct and early Nov was tough. Worked in office, got home, put the girls to bed, and then continued clearing things.
There were 1 or 2 nights I felt like puking. I think my body was protesting.
I can breathe slightly better now. The newest perm staff recruited specifically for this project has caught up well enough and can run most things on her own already. Helps that she's smart and understood most gaps and policy issues raised. LSE grad 果然不同.
There are still things to settle on the workfront but I am cutting myself abit more slack these few days...Physically tired. Mentally a little.
But.
Keep going.
Keep moving.
Keep walking.
Keep showing up.
Ganbatte!!!
31 October 2022
It was a Monday.
Fishball's left eye was swollen since the day before and by midday, it had protruded out of its lids. She couldn't close it and slept with that eyeball exposed. It seemed uncomfortable, she was scratching around that area, and I was squeamish as well. I asked K to bring us to the vet. We called several around our area and finally got one that was willing to look at hamsters.
Popcorn was losing weight over the last few weeks and bled from time to time from her bottom area also so we brought her to the vet too.
Spent a bomb on anaesthesia for Fishball so that the vet could drag her lids back into place. And also on her meds to clean the eye, eye drops, and pain medication (which I could not successfully administer and gave up on).
The vet didn't do much for Popcorn though. Old age too and he said best not to try any procedures on her. She seemed ok and deemed the bleeding as part of skin infection. She seemed quite lethargic at the vet.
Fast forward to later in the afternoon.
31 October was the hamsters' designated birthday and the girls prepared some veggie "birthday cake" comprising of sunflower seeds, pek chye, and some other vegetables I can't recall. Both hamsters happily nibbled on their cakes in each of their cages.
Sometime later during dinner time.
I noticed it first. Popcorn was in an awkward position and I went to check.
Jialat. She had passed on. Her eyes were half-closed. Mild rigor mortis had already set in as well and she seemed stiff.
Nadya was quite upset and bawled her eyes out. Alyssa seemed alot more composed and didn't shed a tear. Or maybe it was just that she didn't understand as much. I comforted Nadya....well at least Popcorn passed away happy...she had a big "birthday cake" and passed away chewing on her fav pek chye!
Armed with 2 small shovels, and a screwdriver to break up the soil, we wrapped Popcorn in tissue and brought her down to the carpark, and buried her next to a tree.
2years old. Popcorn.
Lover of seeds and pek chye and most foods.
Saturday, October 15, 2022
What gives?
Been double-hatting since early March. Things are getting quite hectic. started to cover someone who left from this month onwards....
Plate's overflowing and I think I am dropping things. I hope things settle down abit in November/December.
Also feeling guilty for not being able to be there for the girls sometimes or not being fully present. Sitting there doing things with them is different from sitting there with a laptop on my lap...
My patience wears thin at times.
Although I am on leave on some days, I still cover work or get disturbed. I am on birthday leave next Mon but there is an important meeting that I cannot skip.
What gives?
How to set boundaries when there are responsibilities to settle at the same time? Do I throw the team to flounder and flail? Do I disappoint the kids? Do I stretch my own mental capacities and mental health and physical health?
Losing weight. Breached the 45kg mark and am now at 44.5kg. I think I am eating...maybe I am sub-consciously eating smaller amounts cos my tummy doesn't feel well half the time. I dunno...but I hope to be back to 47 or 48 again...Maybe stress burns fats hmm...
Ganbatte Michelle.......
Thursday, September 29, 2022
"Stalked" by a 9yr-old lol....
Nadya gave her classmate my mobile number. And I am getting spammed by this girl now. Called me 3 times today. I refused to pick up. Call me bad but....
I'd already arranged with her mum that the girls would only be chatting at 715pm today for a short while and just this once....
But this girl has already called me twice in the morning, and once at 330pm.
I hope she doesn't call me anymore tmr....
Sunday, September 25, 2022
Buy buy buy!
I think I am stressed.
I went on an online rampage today.
And bought $400 worth of stuff.
Some were for gifts. Some were to replace my existing clothing items. Some were for the girls.
And some were cos I just wanted to try out the Shein platform.
I think I ish stressed.
Nvm....unboxing in the days ahead...:)
Friday, September 23, 2022
45....not age but.....
Laoniang is now 45kg.
TMD. I spent a year plus getting it back up to 47+kg...and in 1-2 months, it dropped back to 45kg cos of recent acid reflux issues...:(
Maybe I should check my scale...see if the battery is working properly or not....hmm....
According to the doctor....
Did the usual cholesterol & sugar level blood test on 9 Sept...and had a review with the polyclinic doctor on 19 Sept. In gist, here's what he said...
Blood test results were good for your age.
No major issues.
Not sure why the previous doctor only ordered the most basic test for you when you're already over 40.
I will put in a liver function test and a thyroid function test for you as well for your next test. It's better lah. You are in your 40s already. Better to check. That said, no need to check these 2 every year. Once in 2years is good enough.
In that short couple of minutes, he had to remind me I'm getting of age several times... -_-
不认老也不行了 lol...
Ganbatte
Keep going. Keep trying. Keep walking. Keep breathing.
Try. Try again.
You can do this Michelle...!
Wednesday, September 21, 2022
My Kids
Thursday, September 08, 2022
sigh...
Having mixed feelings.
When you're drowning in work, and things keep coming in. And your staff asked to take leave on Friday and the following Monday cos she has a long extended celebration with her husband for their anniversary.
Tuesday, August 30, 2022
Tummy
August hasn't been a good month for the stomach. Not sure what I can do now except to take smaller and more frequent meals. Sometimes hard to handle this too, especially if I'm in the office.
Chewing alot more now also as I'm having some difficulty swallowing when I eat too fast or take bigger mouthfuls. I'm taking long to eat a meal and it stresses me when my colleagues finish eating and I'm not done yet.
Wondering if I should get the helper to start making lunches for me to dabao to office again. A little anti-social but....nvm...see how first...
Praying for a healthier gut, and a more stable tummy....
Tuesday, August 23, 2022
not happy?
The older I get, the more I find myself rejecting ideas and new things.
The more I feel pressured at times to do certain things.
The more I feel myself withdrawing.
The more I just want to hide.
The more I just want to be in my own corner.
Maybe I should be a part of the Sumikko Gurashi.
Saturday, August 20, 2022
12 Aug 2022 - Snip snip time
Finally made time and went to cut my hair after 11 months.
Chopped off maybe 5 or 6 inches? I also don't really know.
But hair length went from boobies to now sitting above my shoulders and at least an inch above my collarbone.
One of the shortest hair length I've ever had in the last 20years.
Took some getting used to and I'm liking it more now. :)
Been cutting my hair with Sandy since 2008. Followed her from her salon near my parents' place till today at her own home when she switched to being home-based. Just realised she's been around since I changed to a new job, got cheated on, got attached again, got married, shifted out, had 2 babies, etc...Though I see her only once or twice a year...still, it's been a long time! 14 years and counting...
Reminder to Self
To listen more and understand.
To not interject or interrupt when others are talking.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To be less selfish and self-centered.
To not take people for granted.
To be more self-aware if and when I am becoming so.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To keep going.
To keep walking.
To keep trying.
Highs & lows and all the in-betweens
Experienced all sorts of emotions in a week.
- Last weekend all the way through till Monday afternoon was somewhat nerve-racking. Was trying to memorise and familiarise myself with the key points in a narrative, which had to be covered in a media interview I was arrowed to do on Monday afternoon with 2 key media papers in Singapore. I was thankful there was a more senior and experienced guy with me on Monday afternoon during the media interview and he helped fill in some gaps when I fell short. The whole experience probably brought me several more white hairs but I guess I took it up because (1) I didn't want to run away (although at times I regretted my decision much), and (2) When would I ever get such an experience again?
- Mum went to the A&E on Tuesday, was warded and only discharged on Friday afternoon. I couldn't go visit her as I was not one of the 2 registered visitors on the list. My Dad and brother were. Anyway, just glad there's nothing very major. At the moment, it seems like it's a stomach inflammation which triggered her acid reflux and brought much discomfort to her oesophagus. There's no obvious narrowing of her oesophagus and I hope the medication given will ease and solve what pain and discomfort she's having.
- Monday & Tuesday morning were HBL days for both girls. Took up quite alot from my patience bucket lol. Had to "run" back and forth between 2 laptops. They didn't spare me too when I was taking a dump. Nadya came by and knocked on the toilet door while shouting outside "Mama!! I need help!!!" zzzz...I replied "Can you at least wait till I'm done? I can't help you when I'm sitting on the throne!" Was on leave both afternoons but I still had to on and off clear work.
- Wednesday & Thursday was very hectic work wise. Flooded with things and I ended up working from 830am till 1130pm on both days, with maybe a combined 3 to 4hr break in between for lunch, dinner, a little time with the girls, showers, a short walk, etc. Tiring, stressful and frustrating at times for hitting brickwalls. But still thankful for having a boss and colleagues who are "chiong-ing" alongside me. Thankful too that K came back early each day from reservist and he could go fetch the girls home.
- Friday was a full day of calls. I was thankful that all went pretty smoothly. Had an emotional talk with K at night and ended up tearing.
Monday, August 08, 2022
Breathe.
Breathe. And keep going.
You can do this.
Saturday, August 06, 2022
Keep Going
A colleague has decided to retire early. Between me & the other Head who is dealing with Tech issues, of course laoniang will end up bearing the most brunt of covering her duties till a replacement comes in.
Not looking forward to it when she leaves officially at the end of September. Not the first time she's thrown her letter too and I've always been the one to be on standby to receive her handovers. Each time in the past though, she rescinded her letters.
Seems this time it's for real as emails have been sent to the big big boss and HR as well.
Am a little overwhelmed.
Current duties + double-hatting for another function since Mar and probably till early next year + covering duties for this lady.
I hope I can handle things.
I need to. Keep going.
Breathe. Keep going.
Breathe. Keep going.
Breathe. Keep going.
Tummy
This week hasn't been too good physically. Tummy's acid issues are back.
Nausea, bloatedness, indigestion, lethargy & tiredness, slight giddiness at times, feeling full even after eating less than usual, tight stomach, etc. Slight chest pains these last 2 days.
I hope this clears up soon.
In just a few days, I lost maybe 1kg already.
I hope it clears up quickly and I can eat normally again....
Wednesday, July 20, 2022
Hero
Am on leave today and tried to go ahead with my plans for the day.
Intended to start the day with a longer than usual walk. So goot lat! Left the house at 715am after getting the girls ready for school and then washing up.
The sky decided to pour...had to cut short the walk...it turned out really short lol. Got home drenched and cold...
Been a long long time since I was so drenched in the rain. My fav pair of shoes were soaking wet and my fav cap as well...
Thank you my dear cap, for shielding my eyes from the rain...I hope you won't get too damaged and will dry well...
Tuesday, July 12, 2022
New word of the day - Licence plate-plucker
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
Just wondering what was the licence-plate-plucking lady at the Causeway thinking when she confronted the other car. And wondering too, what was the boy thinking when he came charging out like that acting all macho but then scurrying away when the driver of the other car came out.
For him, maybe he couldn't handle his teenage emotions that bubbled over and since his mum was acting in that manner, I guess he followed suit? Afterall, he's only had 18 years of experience on Earth....For his mum though, I wonder what triggered her so much she was willing to use her body to stop the other car from moving.
Rash? Maybe. Obnoxious? Maybe. Just a road-rager unable to control herself? Maybe.
I guess we'll never really know what truly happened to trigger the whole incident.
Wednesday, July 06, 2022
Merchant Court 3D2N
In the final week of the June school holidays, we had a 3D2N staycation at Merchant Court. Or Paradox Merchant Court as it is now known as.
The girls enjoyed themselves I think.
Alyssa loved the swimming pool and we visited it once each day we were there. She constantly asked to go to the pool haha. Nadya liked the dinner buffet (or maybe more so the chocolate fountain that was there lol). And they both loved the TV in the room, especially Nadya.
We also walked down to Funan to catch the new Minions movie, and showed them Clarke Quay at night with all its pretty lights and busy restaurants. K tried explaining to Nadya what Zouk is and why people go there, etc...to which she responded "Can we go now?" LOL....10 years later she'll probably appreciate the area alot more.
For me...I liked the distraction the staycay brought...and the exclusive time spent with K and the girls...and the buffet breakfast (with all its eggs and sausages :D)
Thursday, June 30, 2022
End of a legacy....a Subaru Legacy
Today is the day we bid farewell to our car. 小蓝as K calls it.
It served us well for 6 years and brought us to many happy places. It's also the girls' 1st car (excluding my FIL's car lol).
It's 14 years old and while it's not 100% broken down. There are key parts of it that wore down and which needed repairs but there are no replacement parts in Singapore. Importing the parts in from Japan and fixing it would cost more than the paper value of the car. K made the hard decision to let go of it...The guy came to bring it away this afternoon.
I forgot to big farewell to it this morning when I left the house in a hurry.
Thank you 小蓝 for bringing us around all these years...to the Zoo, to staycations, to school, to grocery runs, to makan sessions, to various malls, to birthday parties and playdates, to my parents' and inlaws' places each Saturday, to various enrichment lessons, etc...
Not sure if you'll be scrapped or refurbished and brought to another place...if it's the latter, I hope you'll have a fruitful new lease of life!
Friday, June 10, 2022
Sigh
Been mansplained and slighted a fair bit on several occasions this week.
Nevermind.
Jiayou.
Carry on.
Wednesday, June 08, 2022
Keep walking Keep going
At times I wonder how long more do I have to continue coping with the unsavoury thoughts in my head. The daily managing that needs to be done. And at times, on and off through the day...
Then I catch myself and remind myself not to ask that because....it is not something I can undo anymore....they are here, the condition is here and won't go away magically.
I just have to manage it...manage things...manage myself....and learn and unlearn some things if needed...and keep going...
Yeah...
Keep going..
一步一步往前走
继续走
Monday, June 06, 2022
Heart is full
Was on leave Wed to Fri last week. Had a fulfilling time during those days and over the weekend.
Wednesday & Thursday
Mostly spent prepping Nadya for her ballet solo competitions. Her first time and she was not so steady during her 1st performance on Wed. But it was a start and she was so much better and stable on Thursday! Prooud of her for having done this..All the hours of practice at her dance school. While she didn't place, I think it was still a good exposure for her. And it definitely opened up K's and my eyes to how hardcore (and possible regimental) some of the other ballet schools actually are.
Friday
I fulfilled one of my longtime wishes - to bring both girls out on my own and have a meal with my parents. Simple wish but it somehow took a long time to fulfil...whether it was time or scheduling conflicts or my inertia or my anxiety. But I did it! Finally! On 3 June 2022! It was a simple 2hours or so but it made my heart so full...:) Very very happy to have the girls spend time with my parents one on one.
Saturday
Had dinner with Adrian's family, my parents and our own family at Pasir Ris Park! First time ever. Was very happy with it and happy that I suggested it too...Some logistical hiccups and delays here and there but oh well...we made it in the end! Food was good, company was great. Heart and tummy are full...:)
Sunday
Simple day filled with usual routines. Glad we managed to squeeze in a game or two of Cluedo with Alyssa. Also glad we got Nadya's eyes checked out and her glasses made. Am a little worried for her as her myopia seems high. I really hope she doesn't take after me in this aspect...When she starts wearing her glasses, I think she's gonna look a whole lot more like me lol...And glad that I finally got the courage to get my eyes tested as well. It usually brings me alot of stress and I hate to admit but...I've not gotten my degree checked for 12 years. It increased a little but I'm pretty ok with it. Still thankful it didn't increase alot.
Monday, May 30, 2022
24 May 2022
Typing in points. Going into too much details will make me anxious.
Woke on 24 May and was ok. But shot while later had odd ring of light in left eye. Was supposed to go work but decided not to. Called K and asked him to send me to A&E. He was out sending the kids to school.
A&E. Eye doc saw me and said there was an area of weakness in the retina. Needed to go for laser procedure. Went to eye clinic, did the procedure. Fainted immediately after the procedure. Within less than 10mins.
I knew it was coming. Told K "Baby, I cannot already, I cannot already."
BP was low. bottom reading went down to 45 or so according to the nurse. Blacked out for 30secs or so according to K. Fucking scary. When I came to, I couldn't open my eyes but knew that I was clutching K's Tshirt very tightly. Left fist was in a ball and I remember moaning. Heard his voice comforting me. Was very thankful he was around.
BP 78/57. Lay me on trolley bed and was monitored till BP went back to 110/70. Vasovagal attack.
EXACT same thing happened 3 years ago when I did the same laser procedure for right eye. Nabeh.
====================
Am ok now. Next eye follow-up is 9 June.
But anxiety levels have increased alot. Trying my best to self-manage.
Certain things remind of the incident, like flashes of light. Woke on one or 2 nights with snippets of the incident appearing in my mind.
Trying my best not to think or dwell too much.
Move on Michelle. You are ok. Don't dwell.
You can do it Michelle!!
Yes I can!!
Ganbatte!!!!!
Friday, May 13, 2022
Reminder to Self
Wednesday, May 04, 2022
Office.
Heading back to office. Pros and cons.
It forces me out of the house and out of my comfort zone. I have to re-navigate taking the bus, walking to office, walking home, heading to lunch, etc. It also takes up alot of mental energy on my end. Sounds of the morning traffic overwhelmed me a little this morning. Too much "audio", too loud, too noisy, too many things happening in my line of vision and even my peripheral vision.
I get to enjoy the aircon. But I miss my bed, and miss being able to sit like a kan chia poh.
I actually get more things done at home than when I am in the office. More distractions in the office + time wasted on the commute + time taken to prep for work = less time for actual work. I don't get to decompress much if I take the bus home because I am trying to manage myself.
On the whole, going back to office is still more of a nay for me. Though I know I need to accept it.
I hope I find a balance. Soon.
Monday, May 02, 2022
Of a wedding and awkward first meetings
Attended QM's wedding yesterday. She's a cousin I've only seen twice in my entire life.
And at the same wedding, I was introduced to another 4 cousins whom I've never ever met. Imagine suddenly meeting a 52 year old, a 44 year old, and another 2 twenty-somethings.
Due to family dynamics, estranged relationships and possible misunderstandings over decades, we never ever got to meet.
It was strange, awkward and a little uncomfortable to me. Yet, a little intriguing too. That I finally got to physically see and meet that part of the family tree on my mother's side.