Chinese

Been catching Chinese variety shows on and off over the last few years and more in the past year or so. Wonder if it improved my spoken Mandarin or not...hmm. 

It's a lovely language.
Don't know how to describe it. How different words can be combined together to provide a certain feel. 

===========================

Anyway, N's been "invited" to attend Chinese curriculum support. It's only week 3 of the new school term. In the teacher's words "It's to encourage the child to improve". In most kids' mind, it means "I'm not good enough in this subject and that's why I need curriculum support." 

K spoke to the teacher and came away not feeling too happy about things. She couldn't fully articulate why N was shortlisted and whether N's standard was really that lacking. Felt very arbitrary to us. We are perplexed. The teacher mentioned her score for the year-end exams last year. She scored 81 leh?! Above 80 & still selected for curriculum support? 

We don't get it. 6 in her class have to attend these curriculum support lessons for Chinese. Means what? only these 6 scored below a certain mark? Means what? 80% of her class scored 85 or 90 & above meh? 

The teacher also told K "If you think she has many other committments and cannot attend the support lessons, it's also ok. She can skip." Err....then why have the support lessons in the first place? Messaging seems disjointed. 

Anyway, water under the bridge also. Don't think it's something we can opt out of. She'll just have to bite the bullet and go through with it. Luckily the lessons seem to average out only once a month and it's just for 45mins. (Which begs the question.....once a month at 45mins each lesson....enough to provide additional support to a child?)

病了

Felt off on Tuesday night while sleeping...nose stuck, woke twice, once feeling cold and once feeling warm. 

Was ok when I woke. Went to office. 

Got home in the late afternoon and felt feverish. 

By dinner time I was 38C and achey. 

The show must go on...things still need to be settled....system go-live date is something we cannot change

Laoniang 累了

Sibei Zuay Ming Gia Zoh.....

I can only suck it up and try to keep moving forward. 

My team is down by 2 pax and we're dealing with 2 folks from other teams who are draining our patience and energy. 

Ganbatte to Val & I...!!!

Piangzz

is when

you only realise at the end of the day when you get home from work....

that in the morning, you forgot to

blend in that blob of concealer you slapped on a zit on your forehead

and you threw powder foundation over it...

which made it cake up a little.

and so you were walking around the entire day with that small cakey patch on your forehead

maybe no one noticed

I hope no one noticed haha

But the girls did

When I got home and sat down at the dining table with them...

That was the first thing they pointed out to me. 

note to self: be more awake in the morning

Reminder to Self

Growth Mindset

Growth Mindset

Growth Mindset

View challenges as opportunities and learning experiences

I can't do it...yet. But I will learn how to and eventually I will be able to.

Keep going. 

大姨妈

Confirm Big Auntie coming. Just don't know when. 

Bloating, soreness, tummy ache and....I'm tearing while sitting at my office desk. Emo like shit lol. 

18 Jan

We had a video call with her as usual around 7plus SG time (10-plus Sydney time). She was abit more emotional compared to past evenings and seemed a little down. I guess tiredness and homesickness were kicking in. 

She teared up abit in the midst of our call but perked up slightly when we distracted her with questions about her day, what street food she had when they went exploring a "night market" area, etc.

I guess the excitement in the first couple of days was wearing off already lol. 

Firsts

13 Jan night. K, Peanut & I were at the airport at night to send Nadya off on her dance training trip. It's her first trip abroad without us. I was excited but also apprehensive/worried.

I only found out at the airport that there were only 6 girls going and all were her peers i.e. all of them are in P5 this year. 

Sunday was a day of excitement and nerves as all parents waited for updates from the girls. We were all in a group chat and updates started trickling in in the late morning. That they arrived safe & sound, that they were on the way to the serviced apartment, that they were going to head out for a meal and to the supermarket, etc.

We didn't hear a peep from N though lol. I was a little disappointed and thought she forgot to update us. Lo & behold at 5pm SG time, 8pm Sydney time (i.e. 7 hours after they arrived), a whole bunch of texts  and photos suddenly flooded our family WA chat group. Things like "Landed!" and "On the way to apartment!" came in...so she did update us! Just that the texts were somehow delayed for a loooong time. 

We've managed to have video calls with her each night so far. Said she was homesick yesterday morning and felt like crying. Hugsss little girl...you can do it!!

Spent close to an hour last evening on a video call with her. Her luggage's built-in combination lock couldn't be opened. It was somehow jammed up. K guided her teacher to no avail. Finally, the both of them decided to cut through the lock. He gave tips & pointers virtually, and the teacher used her Swiss Army knife to cut through some of the lock's mechanism. Kudos to her for managing to do so!! Really thankful.

It was an old old luggage but one that K treasured. No choice....

So now she's got no luggage to bring back. The teacher will try to get a duffel bag for her with a manual padlock. We'll see how it goes. 

Peanut

The peanut is sick. Fever and she vomited on 2 occasions yesterday. 

She's sad that she couldn't go to school today. Apparently their Science teacher was going to bring them to the Science laboratory today and she really wanted to see how the lab looks like. 

Told her last night that she'll have many other opportunities to go to the lab in the future, and not to FOMO about it too much haha. 

Nadya had fever on Monday last week and had some nausea. K had fever earlier this week. I hope I'll be ok. Tummy's not doing too good these few days too...but laoniang will hang on!!!

Hwaiting Lim family!!

Update

Just heard from Parwin that she had a recent fall. Her knees are in bad shape partly due to old injuries and the recent fall. We were supposed to catch up for a 2nd round on the 26th cos our previous meet-up in December ended up being slightly rushed. 

The 26th has been shelved, and might be for awhile since she's slated to go for surgeries on both knees, likely one after another with a few months gap in between. Wishing her all the best...

A little depressing to keep hearing of not-so-good health-related news from friends & family. The Rabbit year seems a little less kind to various folks. I hope for a better Dragon year ahead. 

Dai-lou

Just found out that Ryan's going for a triple-bypass tomorrow. Glad I reached out to him today to check on him and he informed me about it. 

A triple-bypass is darn major and I sincerely pray that it'll be a smooth and successful operation for him. May his recovery be smooth and fast too. 

He's 49 and seems quite young to me to be undergoing such a major heart procedure. 

Take care Ah-Tan! You'll always be the dai-lou we can rely on for rubbish jokes and sound business/technical processes. 

Nadya & many firsts

Nadya’s going on a trip to Sydney this coming Sunday with her ballet friends and some teachers from their ballet school. It’ll be an intensive 5-day training at The McDonald College. 

I was hesitant to let her go but we decided to go ahead anyway. It’ll be her first time taking the plane without us, and her first time taking care of herself for a whole week (and overseas somemore!).

I pray for a safe, smooth and fruitful week for her.

I hope I didn’t nag too much or remind too much and I hope she remembers what we’ve told her so far:

• Stay with the group, don’t wander off on your own.
• Drink water regularly.
• Keep warm. Cover up well at night in the aircon room.
• Handle your belongings well and don’t lose things. 
• Sleep on the flight there! (2am red-eye flight.)
• Make sure you get enough rest!

We just gave her a phone on Sunday evening and K gave her a crash course on how to use Whatsapp, how to connect to WIFI, how to check her email, how to call using various methods, etc. 

I know this is an invaluable experience for her and I am excited for her….

At the same time, I am also worried and apprehensive.

I hope she doesn’t have to catch up too much on homework and studies when she gets back from Sydney after a whole week there.

Fingers crossed.

Laundry & ironing will probably be madness too when she gets back (including having to handwash 3 sets of ballet leotards & tights) lol…

Xmas Day Brekkie

Alyssa was the mastermind and planned things several weeks in advance. It was initially supposed to be a secret but she also openly declared that she and Nadya would make breakfast for Mama & Dada on Xmas morning. Lol…

She asked us to buy eggs and sausages, and when D-Day came, K helped both of them out in the kitchen. Sunny-side ups for everyone and sausages too. 😊

Sweetest Xmas Day breakfast ever! 

Glad Alyssa is taking an interest in gardening and cooking, and has no qualms helping around in the house doing chores. She was game about cleaning the toilet bowl too and has helped K out on several occasions. 

Sigh

These comments are starting again.... 

You need to eat more. You’re too thin!
Kenapa gitu kurus?
你是不是又瘦了？为什么啊？你看你的手！I don’t think it’s a good thing you know. You need to eat more.

Sigh. Yes, these comments do get to me. 

I do eat. I eat till I am full. When I am bloated, I can’t eat as much but I still eat. On days my stomach feels better, I eat more. In fact, I eat till I surprise myself.

There is no bloody way I am on a diet. And yes, for the umpteenth time, I am eating, I really am. I take all my meals. I am not skipping anything. Nor am I purposely eating less.

Legoland

We went to Legoland in mid-December. It was a 3D2N trip together with the in-laws.

We hired a 6 seater for the journey to & fro and I think it was a good decision to do so. The rides were comfortable and we could buy groceries & load up the back of the car. And we were picked up & driven back right up to our doorstep. 

It wasn’t a fancy or luxurious trip but it was still a nice time spent with family. I’m glad the girls had fun. I felt a little bad for my MIL though. We stayed at a service apartment opposite the theme park itself and had to walk maybe 600-700 metres over to the theme park. If it were a straight road, I think she’d be ok. There were stairs and escalators that didn’t work though. She had to traverse these on several occasions and I felt bad for her. :(

We took Grab to 2 malls on different occasions and I was amazed (really amazed) at the low cost of Grab rides in JB. A 6-seater during peak period around dinner time cost us around RM$20-22 for a 10/12-min ride. That averages out to be SGD$1 or so per pax only. In SG, that 10-min ride during peak period would cost at least $20-25 for a 4-seater.

MIL went mad at the 2 big grocery stores we went to hahaha. She loaded up on chocs, snacks, CNY cookies, and…more snacks. FIL grabbed his oats and 2-in-1 coffee sachets. K & I found Chips Ahoy there and were overjoyed. We grabbed 3 packs and finished them within 2 weeks after returning back to SG lol.

The girls as usual enjoyed the TV in the room we stayed in, enjoyed the aircon, and enjoyed just being away from home for awhile. They took various rollercoaster rides with K & FIL and were still excitedly talking about the rides the few weeks after we got back home. It was a waste though, it rained heavily on the 2^nd half of the day that we were at the theme park itself. Most rides were closed when it started raining heavily. WE had to seek refuge at a restaurant and stayed there for almost 3hours before we donned ponchos & headed out abit. Shoes & socks were all wet after we “sloshed” around for an hour or so and gave up lol.

Simple and nice trip. Thankful. :)

TY

And so TY has tendered.

Mixed feelings. 

Sad - cos he's not transferring out or anything but quitting & leaving the organisation. After 25 years there. And he's the only 大哥 I have in this organisation. 

Apprehensive - cos we have no idea yet who is taking over him. Whoever it is, we still need to brief him/her again, and understand his/her working style, etc. All over again. This will be the 3rd time in 4 years.....

Slightly happy - cos there's no one to stress us out too much. And some things he told us to do or review...I think we can shelve those items now. ;p

Panicky - cos the major project I am handling with him (where he is the main lead & I am just the pen-holder) is still underway and I have not much idea how to move things forward. Though things have already been set in motion, the administrative tasks ahead are...mind-boggling to say the least. 

Anyway, I wish him all the best...and may he beat the cancer and have it stay beaten. 

Oaty time

In a bid to get more fibre into my system....I've reached out to something I don't usually take nor like.....oats. Haha. 

Tried my hand at making granola yesterday afternoon. And I’d like to think it was a minor success!

The girls loved it! Alyssa requested it for her school snack break and Nadya requested that I pack some for her breakfast this morning. :) Yay, small wins, this mummy feels a little less inadequate now haha.

So the granola tastes pretty nice and has a nice fragrance to it but I guess I don’t quite like the texture of the baked oats. Mostly hard. Though K mentioned this IS how granola is.

I’ll tweak the recipe abit next round. See if I can add some water to the honey/maple syrup/oil mix, let it sit for awhile for the oats to get wet and soften up first, and then bake the whole thing. Saw a recipe online that said this was a way to soften the granola more.

Till the next trial!

Will try to make some simple oat porridge as well. Both savoury & sweet to see which brings more joy to my Aunty tastebuds....:D

My plants

The potting soil & peat moss were delivered yesterday, together with some prosperplast white pots.

Venus Flytrap
So I decided to repot the Venus flytrap. In the original pot, some of the leaves and traps were resting on the damp sphagnum moss and caused them to start rotting. At least I think that’s what I think happened. Decided to repot and place the new medium a little lower so that the leaves & traps are not resting on anything damp. Used a peat moss + perlite mix. Roughly 50-50.

I hope the Venus flytrap survives. I accidentally set off 3 traps though I’m not sure how or why also cos I ensured I didn’t activate any of the nodules/sensors within traps. Read online that I may have stimulated the traps by rubbing their exteriors. Will take note next time. I hope setting off these traps didn’t cause the plant to expend too much of its energy.

Indian Borage
Took the opportunity & time in the balcony to trim down one pit of Indian Borage. I usually trim off the tip and then replant them. One pot down…..3 more to go lol. Need to do them soon cos most of the pots are overgrown or scraggly.

Murraya (Orange Jasmine)
The tiny murraya I got in Dec seems to be doing ok. The clay pot it came in is really small though and I am not sure if I need to report it anytime soon. The plant doesn't seem stable enough yet. I think I may have to wire it down to the pot soon, especially given the recent drafts and big winds...Need to read up how to do so for this small specimen though. It's only 10-12cm tall and the pot's only around 9x4cm maybe (or smaller).

Aloes
The aloes are doing great...I see many babies as well...and babies of babies too. I'm not quite sure what to do with all of them...I've given away many aloe babies. Ex-helper also brought some back to the Philippines few years back. 

Bryophyllum
Enough said lol...I have no idea what t do with all the babies...I keep throwing them away or throwing them onto random grass patches at  my carpark or outside the development. Gave away to friends as well...I seem to have 3 types of ever-growing and ever-multiplying plants haha. 

Water Jasmine Bonsai
It's long overdue....I think I need to repot it but I don't dare to upset anything...I'm afraid too that I'd kill the plant if I repotted it. I don't really have any nice suitable bonsai pot too...That said, it's just there, stable and a little botak, would love it if I could encourage more leaf growth though...

......

The festive & holiday season left me quite exhausted.
Getting presents ready + Getting food ready + late nights + social anxiety +work matters….

It’s the start of the year but I’m feeling tired.

One can only trudge on and keep going.

A thought popped up in my mind the other day…that maybe the theme for 2024 could be “Invest in yourself”. It can be taken in many ways – mentally, physically, emotionally, financially…

Food for thought…

Prof Tan

Went to see the gynae early this morning. Managed to get a slot for the prolonged cycle issue. 

Happy to hear that everything is normal and looks "nice and healthy and all clear" in his words. 

Explained to me that it was likely due to hormone imbalance issues. 

We laid off taking any progesterone pills for the time being. Just monitor for the time being. The pills need to be taken for 21 days day and night, then break for 1-2 weeks and then need to be taken day and night for another 21 days. That's around 2 months...and there are possible side effects like nausea, etc. 

I'll prefer to monitor first then see how.

In the meantime, manage stress, exercise more, sleep earlier, cut down on sugar, take more healthy fats and protein, etc....

Decembers

Last Dec had no lull. Likewise this year. 

This year is more intense in other ways. Including 2 friggin projects that are bring me stress. And the fact that one staff is going on ML soon. 

深呼吸

船到桥头自然直

That said, still very thankful that I got to relinquish some duties. Stuff which I was double-hatting and carrying since March 2022, was finally and gradually offloaded fully on 15 Dec. 

==============

As usual, will be clearing leave in the last week plus of the year. But as always, I'm expecting some interruptions. Hope there won't be too much. 

==============

Thankful that at least CNY is not in Jan this year...there's more breathing space between all the hectic-ness....

Hala

What used to be one of my favourite time of the year is slowly turning into...something else. 

Overwhelmed with things to do and get. And the social aspects of it is unnerving. 

Brother is doing something extra this year and pulling in some distant cousins into the picture. Bracing myself for what I need to do to help buy or prepare, and for all the hala-ing. 

I pray that I have the energy and head space to deal with the next 2 weeks...

I actually do miss the Covid restrictions few years back. I'm very happy just staying at home and hiding in my corner. With the occasional meal with extended family and 1 or 2 other small social gatherings.

Thoughts...

We're a little late this year but we finally got the tree up yesterday. 

Thanks to K who dug the tree & decorations out from the deep recesses of our storeroom. 

I'm usually feeling Christmassy by now. 

But there are things on my mind that are weighing me down abit - one work item that still has cloudy skies and hasn't cleared up yet, other things to do & errands to settle & things to buy and prepare, gifts to settle, monies to be accounted for, admin stuff to check, new school stuff to be sorted out, etc...

I'm tired. 

K is tired. 

We're trying, and trudging on. 

Milestone - 1 December 2023

Alyssa fried an egg for me today for breakfast!

*cue lots of shimmering hearts*

Silly me wolfed it down quite fast before I remembered I'd not taken a pic yet of the momentous occasion... -_-

Helped her a little but I'd say she did around 80% of the job. 

Well done little one! I hope this is the start of your great culinary journey!

She's sort of learnt how to do sunny side ups already and is now asking to learn how to do an omelette. 

Told her to learn how to make hard-boiled eggs first haha...

Pink!

I have 2 fashion consultants at home. I held up a pink/pale red dress against myself last night in front of the mirror. 

The younger consultant quipped: "Nice dress! I like it! Very nice."

Paused for 2 seconds, and then followed up with a "But I don't think pink and red suit you Mama. You look better in white, black and dark blue. Ya, so don't wear this dress tomorrow to work." 

Ok, Princess Alyssa spoke. Laoniang adhered to her wishes lol.

And I guess, my little attempt to venture out of the usual white/black/navy blue/grey mould has been thwarted haha. 

IMDA Family Day

IMDA had its Family Day last evening at USS, from 7pm to 11pm. 

I'm thankful the weather sort of held up. It didn't pour, and only had bouts of light drizzle here and there. 

We watched a performance at WaterWorld, which I didn't quite enjoy as there were loud sounds and flashes of light due to gunshots and explosions. And then....

The girls had their first amusement park rides!

Nadya - The Mummy, Puss in Boots, Transformers

Alyssa - Shrek, Puss in Boots, Transformers

Nadya seemed to love the rides and talked about them excitedly (and incessantly ;p) after each ride. Alyssa was excited as well though more subdued. 

I was the bag holder who waited outside each ride lol. Since I didn't want to get on them...Been on The Mummy ride once >10 years ago with K and that was well.....enough for me. Laoniang ham ji and bo ji to take anything else unless they're kiddy rides like small trains, etc. 

Happy to have met some ex-colleagues who were there as their spouses or close friends were still with the organisation. Met a lady whom I've not seen in 10 years. Happy to bump into Kah Hui too!

Thankful too that K finished his army meeting earlier than planned and didn't have to rush home to meet up with us. 

?

There is still a sense of inadequacy, lack of confidence, inferiority, fear even...you name it.

At this age. 

Is it due to upbringing? Due to being told since young that I cannot do various things because I have (insert medical condition)? Or due to something more innate? Character? Personality? Is it nature or nurture?

Am aware that it is self-limiting. Breaking that mould & mindset is hard though.  

C & D

Happy to have met up with Chiewz & Dan yesterday for a short hour-long coffee catch-up, while waiting for Nadya to finish her ballet. It's been 4 years since I saw them. 

Slightly awkward in the beginning but I guess we all warmed up thereafter. Afterall, we all go back 24years...:) 

A little alarmed to hear of Dan's possible skin cancer while pending biopsy results. I hope things pan out well, results are out tomorrow. 

Shocked to hear of Chiewz' experience in Bali and the medical evac situation. Admire her strength, courage and steadiness to handle all such things. I hope her Dad regains his strength too. 

It's at this age when we meet up and we end up talking about kids, jobs, parents and our own health issues. 

Just glad that this year I've had more interactions with old friends. Sometimes it does take up my energy and headspace, but at the same time, it warms me too. 

8 October

 Alamak I forgot...the daily grind and dates and enrichments and family stuff and and and.....

Happy 12th ROM anniversary!  :D

Lol.....better late than never

Happy birthday

3 Nov - Happy birthday Zain, wherever you are. 

My P4, 5 & 6 classmate who left us back in 1996 or 1997.  

You were a pain to deal with at times given your propensity to talk rubbish and play tricks on others. But you were nice and cool too. You were loyal to your classmates and "defended" those within your circle against other classes. 

Heart

Senior heart consultant said I don't have whatever they said I had over the last 20years. 

20years ago they said I didn't have whatever I had 35+years ago but I had a mild version of something else, mild pulmonary valve stenosis. 20yrs of this mild something...and now it seems I don't actually have it. According to this senior doc. I was referred to her by my regular doc and I'm not sure if I still need to go back to him to close the loop on things.  Senior doc said my heart is fine in all aspects, as far as she could tell from my echo scan. 

Don't quite know what to make of this news today...

Being the pessimist/complainer that I am, my immediate thought was to lament. The number of yearly checkups and on and off scans and fees that came along with these. The antibiotics that I've had to take before dental appointments over the last 2-3 decades. The constant informing of my condition to new doctors or GPs that I meet along the way. This thing that has been part of my identity for more than 35 years. 

The other side of me is telling me to be positive and throw away the negativities. This is good news afterall. Senior doc told me to start getting active since she feels I am all clear. 

Thoughts...

Yes....need to remind myself

 

C

cancer...

One of my bosses diagnosed with lymphoma

MIL had something this year

My insurance agent had thyroid tumour, removed it and now it's back again this year

Friends' fathers or FIL had some form of it

Ex-boss just passed on because of it

Cousin who succumbed to stomach cancer

Another cousin-in-law fighting breast cancer

:( 

Rest in Peace Jenaline

Just found out. Sudden and shocking and upsetting. 

Jenaline just passed on today. My ex-boss in a previous company. 

Not sure what happened. But she was a good person...ever vibrant, cheery, active and energetic. She was one of those who tried to keep things going the proper way when we were in our ex-place. 傻大姐 demeanour at times but smart & intelligent. 

Last saw her in 2018 at an ex-colleague's wedding. I remember her birthday each year but have not been wishing her the last few years. Thought about her recently but did not reach out. Maybe I should have. 

Rest in peace Jenaline. Thanks for all the laughter, good vibes and advice you gave when I was in my 20s...You touched the hearts of all you met and I'm sure you are home with the good Lord now. 

======

update: it was due to cancer

Jiayou

When you are used to having a cool cucumber as your big boss for more than 2 years...one who is steady and very cool and calm to hold the fort. So calm & collected that even other Senior Directors try to ask him for help to present to Minister-level folks. 

When your new big boss is a kan cheong spider and younger and more energetic and the whole team has to oscillate to the other end of the spectrum to accomodate his style....

When it has been 6 months since your new big boss came in, and you are still trying to adjust to his ways... 

When he replies emails within 30mins of you sending them out...and asks 5-10 questions for each case....

When...

When....

When....

Sigh...

Jiayou. 

I can only trudge on. And breathe...and continue moving forward...bit by bit...though the counter forces seem to be growing more these last few months...

Friends

Been a strange month. Where emotions & stress levels are high. 

And where I am somehow meeting up with old friends. Last 2 Sunday afternoons were spent meeting up with Ally & PQ, and then Kah Hui. Folks whom I've been meaning to catch up with for a looooong time but never managed to get down to. 

Had a sudden invite that came in yesterday for a coffee date with Chiewz and Dan for this Sunday afternoon. It's been 4.5 years since I saw them. Hope it won't be awkward...shouldn't be la hor? We've all known each other for 24+ years already....

Much thanks to K...to be with the girls while I'm out for abit these 3 Sundays...

Reminder

Thoughts affect your feelings, which in turn affect your behaviour & actions. 

Let's try to stay positive. 

Happier thoughts. 

Happier thoughts. 

Happier thoughts. 

17 Oct 2023

Laoniang si chap sar huey liao...

Not quite sure what to make of it. On the cusp of "middle-aged" but still called "young" by folks in my parent's generation. 

As usual, the Toysrus' theme song rings in my head "I don't wanna grow up...I'm a Toysrus kid"...

Yea, I don't want to get older though I don't have much of a choice. It'll be better for me to accept it gracefully though and embrace it. Guess a part of me still wants to be in my mid-20s and early 30s...pre-kids...when I'm building myself at work and in personal life...when I had more confidence and felt I was ready to take on the world...

Fine lines, saggy skin, hair fall, white hair, rough skin...can you guys take your time to come....don so fast can...

thoughts

You know in cartoons where there is both a devil and an angel floating above the character's shoulders, one on each side...each saying good & bad things into the character's ears?

So one part of me is saying fuck things, just do it....dun think so much...for what?

Another part is saying...no cannot, must consider this and that...and this again, and that again...

No points for guessing which side usually wins. 

Colours

Was out for tea yesterday with Ally & PQ...They gave me a pretty bouquet of preerved flowers...lovely muted purplish & greyish colours. 

They could decide which colour and eventually settled for this one. 

They asked me what's my fav colour and I couldn't answer them too lol. I don't have a particular favourite colour. Ally said "I don't recall ever associating you with any particular colour". LOL LOL. She's right. 

Clothes...I'd go for monochromes or blues, khaki and the occasional nudes and dusty pinks. 

Flowers...I think pastels & dusty neutral colours work well...

Shoes...blacks, whites, pale pinks again...

Easy to match colours I guess....

Laoniang is boring. :)

冷

Yesh...laoniang can be pretty lame sometimes...

===============
K: 你要不要我的鸡肉？

Me: 不要。我也有我的肌肉。*flexes arm*

================
K to N: You need to push yourself ah and focus..2 weeks later you have 4 exams in that single week. Push Push Push!

Me: Next time the girls no problem when they 生孩子。

K: ???

Me: Everytime push mah...by that time when they are giving birth they'll be damn good at pushing. 

================

LJS

It has literally been DECADES since I had anything from Long John Silver's...I think the last time was when I was in secondary school or JC probably because that was when LJS still had an outlet at Tampines (was it Century Square? I cannot recall also)

Anyway, for the last 2years, I've been to Heartbeat at Bedok on and off for various things...and always passed by the LJS outlet there...each time I stared at the menu but eventually slunk away lol. 

This morning, I gave it a try and got one of their breakfast sandwiches to go. 

Got home and found out they gave me the wrong sandwich. :( 

What was supposed to be a double pollock ended up being a spicy texas chicken.

It was still kinda nice though I felt it was quite salty and there was too much sauce. K & I felt that the chicken tasted like BK's tendergrill...He said maybe it came from the same supplier haha. 

Will try more of their things next time!

And the knee again...

Went to the polyclinic today and got an x-ray on the right knee. 

Doc said there's no hairline fracture. Which is a good thing...and yay! But that I strained 2 tendons...boo...

Scheduled for a physio appointment tomorrow. I hope it heals soon...

Knee

Right knee is worrying me. I fell on 20 Sept. It's 10 Oct now, around 3 weeks have gone by. 

The swelling is gone but there are still aches, especially when I stopped using the Fastum gel about a week ago. 

Thinking to swing by the polyclinic on Thursday morning. At least they have xray services there...maybe the doc can check for me to see at least in general what's going in. 

Fingers crossed things are ok.

9 October

And so the older young un turned 10 yesterday....:) 

She's a decade old liao. So fast. 

I remember the trepidation when the csec date came....and the scary feeling of being able to hear all the surgical equipment and sounds of things happening in the operating theatre...All else was a blur after that and the weeks thereafter were a mix of joy, excitement, laughter, exploration and wonder...interspersed with frustration, helplessness, sadness and anger...

Hindsight makes all these seem less challenging now. How we've all grown. 

It's been a trying time this year handling N. The attitude and downright plain rudeness at times has gotten to me many a time. I'm learning how to manage myself as well when in trying situations with her. I don't know how many deep breaths I've taken...countless lol. :) 

Our Little Baby....Here's wishing you a very Happy Birthday. Keep up with discovering new things in the world and new facets of yourself! We'll always have your back and Dada, Mama and Mei Mei love you! 

Stuff

Was on leave yesterday 9 Oct. 

T'was a somewhat fruitful day. 

Did up an FD with a foreign bank. Did up an insurance policy. All done online and things which I've been thinking about for quite awhile but I hadn't yet found the time to do. 

Settled some work which needed my inputs before the team could proceed. 

Checked out some possible gifts stuff online.

Managed to take a 30-min nap though I should have taken a longer one....haha.

======================

SP is heading to Germany for a conference soon...and I probably have to cover him or at least be "around". End of month is likely new system UAT time again. 

Wondering if I could have a 2 or 3 day break (with no work interruptions or texts) sometime in Nov. 

Fingers crossed. 

October babies

Nadya chose to go Sushiro for her birthday meal. I'm happy. I like Sushiro.

We're celebrating it on 8 Oct since 9 Oct is a Monday. She has an English exam on the same day too. 

Welcome to the world of an October baby sayang....

One where your birthday hits the exam period every year from when you're P1 till you graduate from university lol. Jiayou!

Thin

Went to SP's Mum's wake this afternoon. 

Received 2 "你瘦了" comments from 2 different pax. To which I responded "没有啊。Same as the last time you saw me."

Which is true. 

But again. It makes me conscious. And it gets to me. 

It's not that I don't eat or go on diets. I do eat, and I like my meats. 

Dunno lah....pek chek...frustrated...somewhat helpless. 

One at a time...breathe

It's been a week or more of alot of things...

Several celebrations, including a surprise birthday celebration this morning for my big boss TY. Coordinating this brought me some grief though...as meeting dates & rooms were changed several times and I had to coordinate the delivery of the cake. I happened to be the one doing this cos....I was the one who opened my big mouth to suggest this surprise to my immediate boss. 

Had to order N's cake as well for this Sat evening's celebration with my side of the family.

Had a birthday lunch with my ex-boss and current immediate boss on Wednesday...

Trying to coordinate a congratulatory flower wreath to be sent to Sky's new jewellery shop....

And just received sad news that immediate boss' (SP) mum has passed away this morning. Had to coordinate with the executives to get them to re-arrange meetings scheduled for Monday, discreetly check with the team on "pek kim" contributions, and organise the condolence wreath to be sent over...

While trying to chase the never-ending pile of things feeding into my work to-do list....And trying to be patient with the older girl....and trying to get down to tackle that pile of laundry on the sofa lol...

Old boss

I had lunch with Choon Sai today...and SP.
Lol....lunch with retired ex-boss and new boss who took over him. 

Felt nice seeing him...though he seems alot more frail compared to when he was still my boss....his voice is still the same. 

Maybe I have a soft spot for him as he's born in the same year as my mum. Maybe it's cos he never really threw a tantrum at me, unlike some others I heard of. Maybe it's cos we had a little squabble before and we found a mutually respectful way to treat each other after that. 

I hope his vertigo goes away soon and he recovers 100%. I hope his hearing loss doesn't deteriorate anymore (he has hearing aids in both ears now). And I hope he stays happy...

Of brains...

It's interesting. 18 years after I had a major brain surgery, I met someone who had the same brain surgery as I did. 

Was having lunch with my colleagues at our pantry yesterday. I asked a guy if he went for surgery before as he had a scar on his head. Turned out that he had an aneurysm which burst 2-3 years ago. 

He was lucky. Though he had bleeding in the brain and he collapsed, he managed to regain consciousness on his own and his wife took him to A&E. The bleeding stopped on its own, which was rare according to his doctors. But because it stopped bleeding, it also sort of saved his life as it didn't bring further damage or complications. 

His surgery was smooth though the aftercare wasn't smooth. Apparently he spent another 2 weeks in high-dependency co she collapsed in hospital 3 days after his surgery due to low blood pressure and low sugar. Seemed like the brain function controlling his speech was also affected slightly and he couldn't talk for that 2 weeks. He made a full recovery after that though and was thankful that everything was ok. I feel happy for him too...and his wife and young son, who was only around 2 or 3 years old at the time. 

I was lucky too. My aneurysm was discovered early before anything untoward happened. Thankful. Very thankful. 

My colleague doesn't know if he has screws in his skull though lol....we concluded that maybe medical technology was more advanced during his time and maybe he didn't have any screws in. So I'm an old robot with 3 titanium screws...and he's the newer version 2.0 robot lol. 

Time

And we're in my birthday month already. 

Wasn't it just CNY...and then Nadya's big ballet competition in June...

And suddenly...

It's October. 

Time slips away so fast...I don't know what I've done or not done this year....

================

Anyway...Oct is here..I've had too much cake & desserts since last week lol.

More cakes this weekend for Nadya's separate birthday celebrations with both sets of grandparents. 

I hope my cough stays away...too much sugar aggravates it

To dance or not to dance

N is part of her dance school's scholarship programme and one of the soloists they are trying to groom. 

Just received an email from them on her scholarship dance training/practice schedules starting from Oct onwards. They want her to do 3 solos and be part of 3 group dances next year....That's 6 items in total???!!!

They've put her down for three 45min sessions and one 3hr session each week. These are on top of her own normal ballet lessons which are at one 1hr session and one 1.5hr session each week. 

Wah lau.

Really alot of time & energy...If we take them all up, that's ballet everyday except for Monday and Wednesday. I think we need to regroup....With the amount of time spent dancing, how much time does she have left for her school & enrichment homework? And she'll have zero me-time?  

Need to talk to her too....the commitment needed is really.....alot if she wants to pursue dancing...

How do we balance this with her studies? She's not doing great in studies and next year she'll be in P5 already...she needs to get her foundations right before PSLE comes in 2025. 

Breathe

Feeling overwhelmed these few weeks. 

Work

Personal stuff

One particular staff texting every other day...seeking permission to WFH or to come in office later in the day cos son/daughter/self [insert situation].....

Recently I've also been inundated with calls & texts from DBS relationship managers, and now even my insurance agent is reaching out to me on some illness & early cancer coverage plans. 

Some friends asking for meet-ups. Another updating on his work interviews. 

I still have a thermal bag stuck at a friend's house....which I've not collected since Jan 2023 I think. 

Clothes to be folded or ironed. 

Project manager that doesn't seem to be doing his job adequately and now me and another team member are doing more work...

Trying to improve relationship with N.....

Too many birthday presents to get and cakes to order....

This....

And that....

And these.........

And those...............

呼.......

吸.......

呼.......

吸.......

呼.......

吸.......

Ouch

Irony. I always tell friends, colleagues & my parents to be careful when walking, especially after rain when the ground is wet.

Was walking home yesterday at 5-plus when I fell. Ground was wet after the afternoon rain. Left foot slipped on a metal cover on the pavement, and I landed fully on my right knee with a loud slam on the metal cover. Happened in a second and I couldn't have prevented it at all. No reaction time. 

I remember immediately uttering "SHIT". 

There was a Malay uncle behind me who was fiddling with something from the box on his bike maybe 2-3 meters aware and he was quite sweet. He shouted to me: "You ok or not? Can walk? Must be careful ya! Don't walk on the metal covers! Aiyah, I also kena alot of times on these things, very slippery one! Next time don't walk on them ok! You ok? Need help or not? That's why lah, I don't know why they must put so many of these metal things on the ground. Aiyah next time don't walk on these already ok."

I got up, tested my knee and found I could still walk. Thanked the uncle and continued walking home, though slowly cos my knee was aching. 

Went home and peeled my jeans off. Thankful I was in jeans else my skin would probably have had a bad cut. Kneecap was reddish, with some orh-cheh starting to show up. There were some patches of bleeding under the skin, and a small cut. Was wondering how the cut happened when my jeans was still ok and had no tear. Spent a few minutes wallowing then realised I should be icing the area. 

Iced the area and felt myself getting increasingly anxious about it. Will my knee be ok? Got fracture or not? etc...Tried my best to calm myself down and manage myself. Felt ok enough to go out to the living room to have dinner with the girls. Ate halfway........and then I didn't feel right. Told K I had to go back into the bedroom to lie down....

And then it came.

The symptoms I felt whenever I had a fainting spell. The warmth, the cold sweat, the clammy skin, the tingles in the palms & fingers, the light-headedness. The greying and blurring vision...Wah lau I thought to myself...Somewhere in the midst of this, I had the sense to turn on the room lights, and turn on the fan, before throwing myself on the bed and trying to breathe and control the fainting.

Called out to K and he came in. I think I was rather pale and breathing quite hard by then. I remember moaning a little and whimpering. He was my calm anchor and held my hands. I could him talking to me in the background, trying to calm me down and assuring me he was there. 

I'm not sure how long passed before I opened my eyes. I don't think I blacked out. I remember being conscious throughout, just feeling very uncomfortable and quite out of it. When I finally opened my eyes, I felt tired...quite tired. 

Rested another 1.5hrs before I got up & out of bed, and carried on with whatever else I could eat and had a shower before crashing into bed again....

This vasovagal episode has brought me much anxiety again...Feels a little like I regressed. May I have the strength to manage my thoughts, emotions and feelings.

Jiayou Michelle....

Sick

Been unwell for slightly more than a week. 

Nose was runny, then just mainly stuffed. And because I couldn't breathe properly through my nose, I had to breathe through my mouth, which made my throat dry and I ended up having a cough as well. Been trying to get rid of whatever mucus I have. But the moment I step into office (i.e. aircon) my nose stuffs up again. 

It is getting better...but very slowly...

Not sure if going to the doc another time would help though. The Zyrtec I was given didn't help at all. 

May I get well soon...

Overheard

The songs I've heard N humming or singing over the last couple of weeks:

1.  "You're my wonderwaaa--aallll..!!" (Wonderwall - Oasis)
2. "I'm a Barbie girl, in the Barbie world! Life in plastic, its fantastic!" (Barbie Girl - Aqua)
3. "They'll tell you I'm insane...but I've got a blank space baby..." (Blank Space - Taylor Swift)
4. "I've got the eye of the tiger....you're gonna hear me roar..oh oh oh oh...." (Roar - Katy Perry)
5. "Yeah -eh eh eh...party in the USA!" (Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus)
6. "I can buy myself flowers, write my name in the sand...Talk to myself for hours...." (Flowers - Miley Cyrus)
7. "Lily was a little girl, caught in the big bad world...." (Lily - Alan Walker)

This girl is turning out to be quite the pop music "guru" haha.

Unfamiliar places

1 September 2023 was Polling Day in the Presidential Elections 2023. 

This round, our polling station was at CHIJ Katong Primary. We dragged both girls along because...no helper, can't leave them at home along and so...all went together lor. 

As with any new and unfamiliar place, I'd get fidgety. I usually can still stay calm enough though. 

There was initially only one queue but as more people came and the queue grew and spilled out of the main gate of the school along the road, the polling station officials decided to get people to do S-queues instead so as to maximise some of the wider spaces within the school compound. 

And that's when the anxiety got to me more. People on both my left & right sides, despite them being maybe a metre apart from me on each side. The increased noise levels from cramming more people into the same space, the humidity, the not-knowing-how-long-more-we-will-be-stuck-in-the-queue....I could feel the anxiety creeping up. 

Tried to keep a straight face. Not sure if I succeeded or not. I remember N holding my hand at one point, maybe she noticed my discomfort. Then she let me go and continued chatting with her sister. I held onto K's hand for the next 10mins or so...I kept my eyes closed for awhile....till I calmed myself down enough. As the queue moved and we morphed back into a single file line, and as we moved into a more open area within the school, things felt alot better...

Grateful for the kids' and K's presence. 

If it were just me alone there, I'd take a much longer time to calm down and may have spiralled more. 

Little Baby

Little Baby is almost 10. 

So fast, where did all the years go?

A's having some ulcers and sore throat so we had both of them sleep in separate rooms over the last 2 nights. N camped out with me in the master bedroom. 

We had some 悄悄话 chat before she slept. She told me apparently a boy in her class liked her. Seems some of her female classmates shared this with her. 

Hmm..I guess we're starting on all these already...I remember having my first crush sometime in P4 also..

Welcome to tweenhood!

Jiayou.

Let's see if Big Auntie comes to visit in the next 1-2 days. 

Getting emotional & frustrated and I just want to cry at anything & everything. 

This seems to be an indicator in the last 6 months or a year maybe? Don't think I had this as my pre-menses symptom last time. 

• Staff A every other day texting and asking to WFH cos son sick, daughter got issue, auntie sick, washing machine spoil...and every other day making mistakes on the job...
• Staff B asking to continue WFH on a longer-term basis cos left knee meniscus tear, right knee ligament torn...but refusing to go for surgery and seeking alternative treatment like seeing religious teachers/healers and going for massage. 
• Staff C happily on holiday now and going on maternity leave from Jan onwards.
• Staff D keeps updating me on various things but does not communicate properly and technically I am not her reporting officer also.
• Officer from Ministry just gave me snide remark...sigh. 
• Hair fall issue...
• Kid still giving me attitude form time to time though we're both trying to accommodate each other more and better these days...

Just take deep breaths.

And keep moving.

Even if it's a slow step at a time. 

Jiayou Michelle

Peanut

We had Mac for dinner today. 

Alyssa polished off an entire Double Cheeseburger on her own. With some fries and iced lemon tea as well. 

She's 8. I'm 43. 

She can eat more than me when it comes to burgers. 

(0_0)

I dunno which little corner of her stomach did that burger disappear into also...lost the abyss haha....

Our Little Peanut is not so little anymore. 

Hair

At this point, I think I'd rather have white hair than hair fall....

Hair fall situation is still bad. Good thing is blood tests show I don't have any thyroid issue or anaemia. Just that some readings may be on the lower end, but still within the normal range for a lady of my age. 

Doc thinks it is due to the hair's natural growth cycle and/or maybe stress. K & I read online tat some people experience this 2-3 months after getting Covid. 

I've embarked on a hair fall treatment based on an OTC product recommended by the doctor. It used to be only available at clinics till recent years when it was approved to be sold over the counter. I hope this works. 

It is distressing seeing large amounts of hair drop whenever I bathe, comb my hair after bathing, or comb my hair after a night's sleep. 

:( 

My hair is important to me...it's been something I love and am proud of since my teens...

Fingers crossed this is a temporary phenomenon and that it stops soon. 

Here fishy fishy

Just realised that we went from having salmon at least once a week. 

To not having had any salmon at all for the last 4 months, ever since we let go of the helper and hardly did any cooking at home. 

Laoniang wants her omega 3 and healthy fats....lol 

Dance Mama

Nadya started having her ballet competitions around 2-3years back. A few months back I jotted down all of these competitions and her placings in the various categories in a little note on my phone. 

I should transpose them into a nice little excel file. 

It'll be a nice record of her competitions and achievements. 

Who knows, if she's really going to do DSA, this list will definitely come in handy. 

Ang Moh

I took a read of some posts from 10years ago. 

And it hit me. 

The longer I am in the working world, the worse my English gets. 

I can't say that I wrote beautifully last time, but I think I expressed my thoughts alot better than what I am doing today. Or am I losing touch with the sentimental side of myself? 

*horrors*

Dating Shows

I think...I am addicted to Korean and Chinese dating shows...

Part of me enjoys the heart-fluttering moments they sometimes bring to me. Part of me enjoys the Chinese that I get to listen to and "learn" sub-consciously. 

Catching both Heart Signal Season 4 (Korean) and Heart Signal 6 (Chinese) concurrently now haha...

And why all these people so hamsum and pweety one...and all so smart one...
Either double degrees or masters or undertaking PHD research...doctors, lawyers, finance folks, etc...
Nvm...their countries are alot bigger...can find more of such folks around haha...

可以的。

Past 2-3 weeks. Feeling fatigued. Stomach also not doing too good. 

Unsure how much of it is due to the stomach, or menses, or anxiety or not sleeping earlier. Or they are all feeding into and off each other in an undesirable cycle. 

Chin up. Head up. 

Jiayou. 

可以的。

Hair

Since around early Aug, I started to experience hairfall in amounts that are getting me quite worried. 

Everytime I wash my hair, hair falls out...I dunno...50-60-70-80 strands? And the state of my hairbrush after I brush my hair after showering...it's making me quite worried too. 

I hope this is just a phase and it will be over soon. 

Saw an article mentioning some people experiencing this around 2-3 months after getting Covid. I hope this is the cause and it's just temporary.

Fingers crossed...

Balance

Struggling to find balance in this unbalanced world.

• work & family
• me-time to do certain things vs rest & sleep
• wanting to do more but lacking time, energy, motivation
• empathy & compassion vs needing to keep things going in the team
• objectivity vs bias when dealing with some people
• patience vs firmness with the girls
• wanting to eat everything vs taking care of a friggin sensitive stomach
• work vs no work or PT work
• headspace, mindspace, physical space
• building and doing vs dreaming
• cabbing vs bussing
• buy vs save
• and...the list....goes on....

22 Jul 2023

时间过得真快， 11年了！ 

Thank you sayang...:) 

ooof...

Emo + self-bashing mode seems to be on. 

Ok, means 大姨妈 coming soon I think....

The older I get, the more emo I become when the cycle draws nearer. 

Today's Teachings from a Buddhist Monk on YouTube

3 things to give up in life:

1    Give up excuses – embrace your responsibility and face your fears

2.      Give up toxic habits – because we become what we repeatedly do

3.      Give up fear of failure – because success is not final and failure is not fatal

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

Self-actualisation – desire to become the most that one can be, morality, creativity,

Esteem – respect, self-esteem, status, recognition, strength, freedom

Love & belonging – friendship, intimacy, family, sense of connection

Safety – personal security, employment, resources, health, property

Physiological – air, water, food, shelter, sleep, clothing, reproduction

I'm on Facebook alot less the last few years. Maybe it's to keep my mental well-being a bit better. On the occasions I’m in, I sometimes end up wondering why folks seem to be well-established in their lower tiers and moving on to their higher tiers.

I feel I’m stagnant in the low/mid-tiers and still focusing on some of my needs in those tiers. 

Yup, I know that it’s not an absolute movement from one tier up to the next and things tend to be more fluid where people move up, down and in-between tiers. And yup, I know I should just focus on myself and my own pace as each person has his or her own path.

Reminders to self.

Just keep working on things, keep working on yourself, keep going. 

Kaizen - little improvements, bit by bit...

Chin up.

Feeling a little lost at work. Feel like as if I am not putting in my best. Sometimes 有心无力.

Uncertainty and self-doubt is ever present and creeps up from time to time. Quite self-limiting when it happens. There are better days when it ebbs and I feel more confident of myself, and the things I do. 

Just have to keep walking. Chin up. 

Tongue Drum

My steel tongue drum has arrived.
Or tongue pan or tank drum...this instrument seems to have many names. 

Bought a small one to try. 6-inch with 11 tones.
Not fully sure how to use it yet for meditation sessions but will slowly explore. Think I need to check out Youtube haha.

It's still in the box. Will open it tonight after the girls are asleep. Don't want them fiddling around with it just yet. :) 

Dance!

 Nadya had her ballet competitions on 5, 7 & 9 June. It was fun & tiring in a way for her. Also for the rest of us too. Alyssa who had to tag along with us. K who had to ferry us. And me, who had to settle her makeup and pack her costumes, etc. 

Happy for her that she got placed this year. 

1. Beginner Solo - 5th (Fairy Doll variation)
2. 9 & U - 4th (Candide fairy variation)
3. 10 & U - 5th (Candide fairy variation)

There are other upcoming competitions in July & August. May she do well in those too!

========================

Other things a dance mum has on her plate:

• hand wash all leotards, leggings and any other inner pieces 
• remind her to air out her shoes 
• hand sew all ribbons & elastic bands on her pointe shoes (including figuring things out from Youtube lol) 
• buying dance shoe bags
• sorting out all hair-related accessories like u-pins, bobby pins, hair clips, hair gel, hair spray, hair nets, etc

If/When Peanut starts any competitive gymnastics next time, I think the same things need to be done too haha. 

I...Don't...Know....

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference 

I'd always told others I'd probably end up retiring in this organisation. 

But in recent weeks and months, that thought may have changed. 

Seeds of doubt have grown. 

And even more recently...and alarmingly...thoughts of quitting have sprung up as well. 

Never happened in my 15.5yrs here, except 4yrs ago when I was contemplating taking a few months break to work on my mental health. 

Starting to feel more and more inadequate and un-knowledgeable and lacking. 

Starting to wonder what the hell am I doing? and why? and how? 

Starting to wonder if I am up for more changes coming our way? 

Starting to wonder if I am better off doing an administrative or operational role with no supervisory or policy-related work. 

Mid-life crisis?

==========

Side note: 

Many %$%$$#Q things in both personal and work life ever since TY officially came onboard on 1 April. Did he really change the fengshui that much? It's not just me who has said this...even SP feels so...

This too shall pass

11 May - Alyssa tested C+ in the morning. I isolated myself in my room with her. It's an SOP already since Nadya had it in Feb 2022 and I looked after her in my room as well. I spent 8 days in the room last year with Nadya and miraculously didn't catch the virus from her .

12 May - Night. I didn't feel good but was still -ve. 

13 May - 5am. Was running a fever liao and I tested +ve. So after siamming the thing for 3 years +, I finally got it. Went to see the doc in the morning to get meds. There is apparently no official protocol anymore. Doc said if one feels fine with no fever, one can go anywhere even if C+. NO wonder numbers are sky-high...cos there are tons of C+ folks walking around outside...and probbaly half of them are not wearing masks also. zzz. 

14 May - Spent Mothers' Day cooped up in the room. Throat was hurting quite abit, cough was quite irritating too. And then...Nadya tested +ve in the evening. So now there were 2 monkeys in my room. K being the last man standing had the rest of the house to himself. And he was quite busy looking after us and the house and doing the laundry and chores and getting our meals settled. 

17 May - Last man down liao. K tested +ve as well. 

18 May - Nadya only had fever for a day and was more or less ok by Tuesday. Maybe it was her 2nd time so her symptoms were quite mild. We checked with her teacher who allowed her to go back to school today. Alyssa was supposed to go back to school today but was experiencing nausea. 

19 May - I went to the doc a 2nd time. I was having nausea too. And then diarrhoea in the afternoon. Doc said I migh tbe dehydrated and had to drink alot of water to clear the virus out from the intestines...

I hope Alyssa, myself & K recover fully soon....Today is Day 7 for me and I'm still +ve...I've not checked with Alyssa yet...maybe later this evening....

Helper-less

We've been officially without a helper for 9 days. Cancelled the work permit already. 

It's been a period of adjustment. K & I have been taking stock of things...in the first 2-3 days, we threw away a whole bunch of items which were either spoilt, or in a bad state, but which were not brought to our attention. I've to admit that I did not check as well. Brushes, brooms, mops, pails, pegs, cloths, pans, ladles and mattresses and some bedlinen were all thrown out.

New ones were bought. K did a deep clean of both bathrooms, and has been doing daily cleaning of the bathrooms as well...and alot of laundry and dry & wet-mopping of the floor. 辛苦他了...

I've been doing the little things...the nitty gritty, the little bits and pieces...all the hidden areas that no one "remembers".....including wall skirting and other floor corners that can't be reached by the dry/wet mops, door rails, top of mirrors/shelves/fridge, inside the washing machine, below the fridge, inside the dustbins, top of railings, etc...Not sure how long these areas have not been cleaned but they were so dirty & dusty till I had to throw away a rag. Still not done with these areas...more to come...also the clearing of old clothes, etc.

It's a constant work-in-progress so I need to remind myself too that things cannot be done in a single weekend. 

The girls have started their "training" lol. Happy to say Alyssa is adept at sweeping the kitchen floor (it's a tiny area anyway)....Nadya is pretty alright using the dry mop and can wash the plastic dishes well enough. She'll progress to washing the ceramic dishes in time to come...

I think....I am quite tired...but I am content and I am happy. 

Her Thoughts on Ballet

30 April 2023. Sunday evening. 

We were having dinner at the Viva Business Park. At the Fish & Kopi cafe next to Berries. 

We asked Nadya a random question on how she felt about ballet. What she said caught me off guard. 

In a good way though. I didn't expect to hear such comments from her. I felt quite proud of her and I was touched by her words too. After the dinner, I had to jot down her thoughts in my mobile phone as I wanted to remember what she said, in her exact words. And now I am jotting it down here, for posterity....

(1) I feel happy when I dance. It makes me forget about everything else and all my worries.

(2) When I dance, I know I can trust myself.

(3) It feels exciting when I get promoted to a higher grade.

(4) I feel happy when the teachers say I have improved or that I did well.

(5) Ballet performances look beautiful. 

(6) Sometimes I feel proud of myself. And sometimes when it gets difficult or I find it hard to do a certain move, I feel like I want to give up. But then I ask myself: why do I want to do ballet if I want to give up now? Then I tell myself to continue trying.

Notes from a podcast

Be mindful about (i) body, (ii) feelings, (iii) mind, and (iv) mental states.

How to be mindful of your mind.....

Observe your thoughts, become aware of them. It creates a space between you & your thoughts. It separates you from your thoughts. Your thoughts come and go, there is impermanence. You are you, you are unchanged, but your thoughts can come and go. When you separate yourself from your thoughts, your thoughts become like an outside object and you hold a more neutral non-judgmental view on your thoughts.

Ask yourself: what are you thinking of?

It is challenging but you have to practise this and be mindful about it. It gets easier over time after you practise and practise it. Your anxiety is always triggered by an emotion. It brings you to the future – what happens, what will happen what might happen?

What made me anxious? What made me fear? Then come back and think of this present moment.

Practise mindfulness and the separation of you & your thoughts.

Show some compassion for yourself. No one can be perfect always. Perfection does not equal success. Just do your best.

Breathe

choose your battles.

even at home? with the kids? 

trying time with Nadya. 

had to walk away just now before I lose it in front of her. 

Quote

Tomorrow must be created. It cannot be concretised today.

- Sadhguru 

The back

Strained lower back on 19 Mar. 

Since then, I woke everyday with bad lower back aches and soreness. 

Been doing physio stretches and exercises since Apr 13. 

Happy that on 19 or 20 Apr, I woke without the bad stiffness and ache at the lower back. 

And the morning aches are mostly gone too. 

Ganbatte...继续走...

Jiayou...

Broke down and bawled on Friday night. 

The cause? A difficult case at work which is bringing me much stress. 

I'd already been feeling a little low and unconfident. And this case just tipped me over

And so yeah...11pm came, I walked over to K...he looked at me and I ended up....

A blustering piece of mess.

Mood is still a little low now. 

Been working on and off over the weekend cos of some query from the powers up there. Makes everyone along the downstream chain jumpy, and the minions at the bottom of the food chain (aka laoniang) ends up having to dig info and investigate the issue...I feel it's mostly for nought and a waste of time to tweak things to the preference of some and an overkill to try to do certain things. But I am just a small ant...I can't say much or refute much also. Just do. 

Anyway, I digress.

I will keep going. 

I have to. 

Time flies

Mentioned to Ally & PQ that N has some blackheads on her nose liao....why so fast??

Ally said it's puberty already...

OMG lah...so fast meh? I am not ready for the girls to reach puberty so soon...

Not ready to get into conversations on the birds & the bees, menstruation, boobs, bras, etc...

And mostly I am not ready to have their baby-ness go away...

:( 

Note + Reminder to Self

Was listening to something on YouTube while editing a document. 

Keeping the list here as a reminder......

1. Identify your emotions (recognise, be aware)

2. Take responsibility for our actions (hold yourself accountable)

3. Find a role model (as a good guide, how do they handle negative feedback)

4. Keep a thought diary (identity patterns, realise that bad thoughts and worries are not true)

5. Learn to be open-minded (hear others out, less judgement)

6. Embrace reality (accept life, accept flaws, accept what can’t be changed)

7. Pause and be patient (pause & reflect, consciously choose how you want to react)
8. Live in the present (be conscious, be in the moment) 

11 April 2014

It's been 9 years since you left us Granny. I hope you're doing well up there and having fun being with Ipoh, Tuanku and the latest (and youngest) joiner, Brenda. 

I still think of you often. 

And most recently, I was thinking of the handmade potato chips we made whenever CNY swung by. How we sliced the potatoes using the handheld slicer (which I never got to use by the way cos I was still quite young at the time), how we laid out each slice on huge metal trays and also rattan trays, how we blanketed all those trays with so many slices of potatoes and sunned them all in the balcony.....How we collected the slices and then how you & Mum deep fried each piece lovingly and then sprinkled salt on them...how Adrian & I stole chips while you guys were making them heh...

I love you and I miss you. 

I wonder sometimes how the nurses at the Econ Medicare home are too from time to time...I thank them for taking care of you in your final years...

Take care, wherever you are..

Frustrating Morning

"Argument" with the grouchy older girl. 

Who has been giving me an attitude since last night. 

Affected my mood. Made me anxious and frustrated.

Younger one is slowly being influenced as well and has started giving grouchy faces and pursed lips these last 2-3 months.

Overly chatty cab driver. One baby roach in the car too. Crawling on the ceiling. 

Made for a slightly tense 25min ride.

Rushing things. With one staff who kept bugging me on stuff at the same time.

Boss’ boss pushing for things.

 

Big frowns.

Not talking. Just listening to my piano music.

And just taking deep breaths and making a lot of frustrated sighs.

I hope I don’t disturb YZ who’s in front of me.

9 April - part 2

It is a milestone of sorts...

Today marks the first time I used the razor on the older girl. She refused it this afternoon but came to me on her own accord in the evening...and so yeah...it's a first! 

Have to slowly teach her how to use it in the future though...

Parenting is quite the journey...lol. 

9 April

14 years ago. 

9 April 2009. 

K & I got together that fateful evening.

It's been a long running debate on who conned who to get onto the pirate ship. 

到底是谁骗谁上贼船的？

lol...

Thank you sayang for being around all this while. 

To the many ups and downs and everything in between...

And to the many more adventures and experiences we'll have in the future!

也不求什么, 材米油盐平平淡淡过个日子我也开心!

With Love & Patience

I remind myself quite often these days

When I'm running out of steam or patience

That when the girls ask for me, when they need me or want me to be around

To be there if I can. 

For they are only at this age and this stage once in their lives

Once this stage is over, there is no getting it back 

If they want any hug or reassurance or listening ear

If they want me to lie in between them while they fall asleep

If they want me to play riddles with them

If Nadya wants me to massage her back

If Alyssa wants to hold my hand or nuzzle me

I will try my best and be there

For I've a feeling that

It will be sooner rather than later

When they start to stop being this way

When they stop wanting to hold my hand

When they stop wanting to snuggle with me during bed time

When they stop asking for hugs and kisses

When this time comes

I don't know how I will feel actually

Because sometimes

I needed that hug more than they needed it

Breathe Again

Reminder to self-manage more again.

Back-slided quite abit. Manifesting through fatigue, slightly queasy tummy, some fogginess/grogginess, irritability and strong emotions.

Hang in there Michelle...just breathe and keep going...baby steps again if you need. 

你可以的！

Breathe

Breathe.

船到桥头自然直

Thinking, worrying won't get you anywhere much. 

Stuck in a rut again. Worrying about upcoming things. 

Maybe I should cut down on lurking on social media again. Many nice and happy (whether curated or not) photos out there that are making me subconsciously think?

Monsters

Read about a child abuse case in Singapore. And I was got quite....

Angry. At how the mother treated the poor child. At how the stepfather treated the poor girl. 

Sad. At how the 11-yr-old girl felt during those last months of her short life.

Disappointed. That there are such scums around in our midst. That the welfare officer who had a video call with the girl just 3 weeks before her death, did not notice anything amiss. Even when he went to their house on several occasions and did not get to see her each time. Maybe he could not or did not have any means of issuing any harder enforcement against the parents. Maybe his hands were tied. 

I hope justice is served. Even if the law lets them off more lightly then I would have liked, I hope God watches and sees....and metes out appropriate actions...

Rest in peace little girl. I think you're better up there in Heaven now. 

Gave the girls extra hugs and kisses last night...

Dear...

Dear Stomach,
Dear Gut, 

It's been 4 years. I still don't know what exactly makes you upset. And I've already changed my diet alot to accomodate you. It's really a hit or miss sometimes. Please cooperate with me? I don't want to work so hard (over months) to increase my weight by a little, only to lose it again within a day or two when I get a bout of diarrhoea or "stomach queasy" situation. 

I don't know how long I've not bathed my rice in curry gravy, gorged on a plate of tomato-based pasta, had wine, stuffed myself with a full plate of chye tow kueh or char kway teow......or drunk what used to be my favourite HL milk. 

Let's work together ok? Let's work together with Mind too. And maybe Muscle too. 

I believe we can...and I still look forward to curry-filled days. 

Fighting!

For Posterity

Happy Valentine's Day!

Came home last night and was stopped by Nadya from walking into the house further. She said I had to close my eyes and she'd lead me to my room. By then, I'd already spotted an empty plastic bag on a shelf nearby, the kind used to carry bouquets of flowers lol. So I knew what was coming up.

So my eyes were closed, and Nadya was leading me to the room in baby steps...Out comes Alyssa who took my other hand and chirped: "Come on Mama! Let's go to your room to see your big bouquet of flowers!!"

LOL LOL LOL...

My instant reaction was.. "Alamak, Nadya's gonna get real pissed at having the surprise spoiled." There was alot of grumpiness on her part but I guess the excitement of having flowers at home and them making cards for me & K still kept her spirits up quite well. 

Thank you sayang for the flowes...and for the little bouquets for the girls too..:) 

The girls made cards and bookmarks for me and K. Alyssa's card was particularly comforting and sweet. It read:

"Happy Valentine's Day! I know how tired you can be after work. I also feel that way after school but this card is to cheer you up! To: Mama, From: Alyssa.

Laoniang's heart is full...and thankful..:)

Ganbatte

Just realised I've neglected this space quite abit. 

In all 17 years I've had this space, 2022 had the least posts. 74 in the entire year. 

2022 was challenging and I felt like I was being pulled from all directions.

I am expecting the first 4 months of 2023 to be hectic as well. And I am really hoping that there is more breathing room thereafter. The new head of the unit I am covering is in, and I hope he picks up fast so I can throw most things to him soon. 

Ganbatte Michelle.

Keep going. 

Teary morning. 

But.

Keep going.

Keep walking. 

You can do this. 

Keep going

Week of end Oct and early Nov was tough. Worked in office, got home, put the girls to bed, and then continued clearing things. 

There were 1 or 2 nights I felt like puking. I think my body was protesting. 

I can breathe slightly better now. The newest perm staff recruited specifically for this project has caught up well enough and can run most things on her own already. Helps that she's smart and understood most gaps and policy issues raised. LSE grad 果然不同. 

There are still things to settle on the workfront but I am cutting myself abit more slack these few days...Physically tired. Mentally a little. 

But.

Keep going. 

Keep moving. 

Keep walking. 

Keep showing up. 

Ganbatte!!!

31 October 2022

It was a Monday. 
Fishball's left eye was swollen since the day before and by midday, it had protruded out of its lids. She couldn't close it and slept with that eyeball exposed. It seemed uncomfortable, she was scratching around that area, and I was squeamish as well. I asked K to bring us to the vet. We called several around our area and finally got one that was willing to look at hamsters. 

Popcorn was losing weight over the last few weeks and bled from time to time from her bottom area also so we brought her to the vet too. 

Spent a bomb on anaesthesia for Fishball so that the vet could drag her lids back into place. And also on her meds to clean the eye, eye drops, and pain medication (which I could not successfully administer and gave up on). 

The vet didn't do much for Popcorn though. Old age too and he said best not to try any procedures on her. She seemed ok and deemed the bleeding as part of skin infection. She seemed quite lethargic at the vet. 

Fast forward to later in the afternoon.
31 October was the hamsters' designated birthday and the girls prepared some veggie "birthday cake" comprising of sunflower seeds, pek chye, and some other vegetables I can't recall. Both hamsters happily nibbled on their cakes in each of their cages. 

Sometime later during dinner time. 
I noticed it first. Popcorn was in an awkward position and I went to check. 

Jialat. She had passed on. Her eyes were half-closed. Mild rigor mortis had already set in as well and she seemed stiff. 

Nadya was quite upset and bawled her eyes out. Alyssa seemed alot more composed and didn't shed a tear. Or maybe it was just that she didn't understand as much. I comforted Nadya....well at least Popcorn passed away happy...she had a big "birthday cake" and passed away chewing on her fav pek chye!

Armed with 2 small shovels, and a screwdriver to break up the soil, we wrapped Popcorn in tissue and brought her down to the carpark, and buried her next to a tree. 

2years old. Popcorn. 
Lover of seeds and pek chye and most foods. 

What gives?

Been double-hatting since early March. Things are getting quite hectic. started to cover someone who left from this month onwards....

Plate's overflowing and I think I am dropping things. I hope things settle down abit in November/December. 

Also feeling guilty for not being able to be there for the girls sometimes or not being fully present. Sitting there doing things with them is different from sitting there with a laptop on my lap...

My patience wears thin at times. 

Although I am on leave on some days, I still cover work or get disturbed. I am on birthday leave next Mon but there is an important meeting that I cannot skip. 

What gives? 

How to set boundaries when there are responsibilities to settle at the same time? Do I throw the team to flounder and flail? Do I disappoint the kids? Do I stretch my own mental capacities and mental health and physical health?

Losing weight. Breached the 45kg mark and am now at 44.5kg. I think I am eating...maybe I am sub-consciously eating smaller amounts cos my tummy doesn't feel well half the time. I dunno...but I hope to be back to 47 or 48 again...Maybe stress burns fats hmm...

Ganbatte Michelle.......