Mandala - the lotus

Did this on Friday 11 March 2016. 

Did part of it while having a break during work and eventually completed it after work. 

I don't use a compass which explains why certain parts of the mandala look a little lopsided. 

Driving

Went for a car orientation cum refresher today. Who was the instructor? K. :)

Nail-biting experience. I was pretty nervous. The last I ever drove was 6 years ago and even at that point I'd only ever driven a manual car and only for a few measly times. 

Fast forward to today. Ok I discovered that an auto car makes for much easier driving. Yes I know I am suaku. 

More orientation and refresher sessions coming up...

P/s: I still can't park properly for nuts. 

The ring!

Somehow, I managed to wear my wedding band. It's a little difficult to take out though. But I'm happy to wear it still.

Been more than 3 years since I last managed to wear it. Omg. Lol. Since I became pregnant with Nadya. 

The little two

She's my happy pill...:) 

And here's another of my happy pill:

sigh

Feeling a little imbalanced, especially the last few days.

While at work I think about the 2 kiddos. While with them sometimes my mind wanders to work-related things.

I feel inadequate in both areas. Like I'm doing a disservice to both aspects. Not performing up to par in both aspects.

Need to find a balance somehow....

How?

Another mandala!

Another mandala that I did today. I think with my preference for symmetry, mandalas prolly suit me more than doing zentangle designs. Anyway I shall continue to explore.....

Today's mandala turned out a lot more detailed and complex than I expected it to be. Required a lot more effort than yesterday's mandala for sure. 

Qoo10

I love qoo10. Have I said it before?? I absolutely love qoo10. 

It sells just about anything lol. 

I was looking for a Sakura Pigma ink Micron pen and wondered where the hell to buy it. Popular seemed so far away. 

Online I went and someone was selling it on qoo10. 

I bought a black pen with a 0.35mm nib and another with a 0.45mm nib. 

Oh I love qoo10!! :)) 

P/s: when the pens arrive...I'll do more entangling and drawing of mandalas hehe...quite fun and therapeutic! Plus the notebook I am doing the drawings in is small and extremely portable. 

Voila

Promised myself I'd draw a zentangle mandala and here it is. Drawn on an A5-sized piece of paper. Better piece than the first zentangle tile but could still be improved. :) 

My designs are rather simplistic. Will explore further...hmm...this is turning out to be pretty interesting! 

Zentangle

Something new I discovered. 

A type of drawing philosophy which aims to be therapeutic. A drawing meditation of sorts. 

I did a test zentangle piece in office today. Finished it up in during short breaks I took. 

It's a horrible effort I think lol. A 3.5inch by 3.5inch piece. Rather raw and not sophisticated like those I saw online or on YouTube tutorials. 

But it's a start. :) I'll try to do zentangle mandalas tomorrow. 

P/s: yes I know...my interests can be rather fleeting at times. My colouring book is still sitting in its corner waiting for me to pick it up again...no time leh...:( 

My two loves

Times like this bring me much warmth, love and indescribable happiness. 

My two babies...may you grow up and be inseparable as sisters. May the love and care you have for each other be strong and tight. May the bond you develop be as deep as the deepest ocean. And may God bless the both of you always. 

So in love with this little girl

I feel more attached to Alyssa at this age than I was with Nadya when she was also 5 months old. 

Not sure why. Maybe it is because I breastfed Alyssa longer compared to Nadya. Maybe it is because I don't get to spend as much time with her as I would like because I have a sticky Nadya vying for my attention. 

Oh well. 

Stay happy and stay smiley always my little sunshine baby. 

Mama loves you! 

6 March 2016 - First Trip to the Salon!

At 29 months old, Nadya had her first ever haircut at a salon. 

Yes, I was always the one giving her trims and cuts all these while...sometimes she looked ok, most times her hair was just an unruly mess. Partly it was also due to her having some natural curls....

I didn't know how to cut her hair anymore and brought her to the salon. I started prepping her the day before, telling her that she was a big girl already and could go to the salon at the shopping center to cut her hair. 

She was excited about the trip tot eh salon actually. Right up till about 5mins before her turn came. She started fussing and kept mumbling "mama cut my hair. I want mama cut my hair. Mama cut my hair in the toilet."

When it was her turn and I brought her to the chair, she clung to me like a koala bear and in the end I had to sit with her. 

Still, I'd say she did well. :) Not sure if the salon's iPad showing cartoons, or me sitting with her, or the nice auntie did the trick. Maybe it was a combination of all three. She calmed down enough after a few minutes and could muster a small smile for her daddy who was trying to take pictures. :) 

She was proud of it after the cut and didn't allow me to touch her hair much lol. 

Her pouty, upset and apprehensive face....

Still apprehensive....

Ok, loosening up...small smile spotted!

After the cut. Ok I know it looks almost the same except for a shorter fringe. But well, the lady thinned her hair quite abit and it was much easier washing her hair after the cut. 

2 March 2016

Welcome to the family Mr Legacy. :) 

It has been several days and I hope you've gotten acquainted with the rest of the family well enough. 

I'm sorry if Nadya has already given you a few of her power kicks. She gets this way when worked up. Sorry about that! 

I've not been in your driver's seat yet. But I shall endeavor to treat you well okie? I hope you treat me well too. 

Teary Morning...Heavy Heart

Nadya was extremely sticky today. Refused to get in the car in the morning to go to school. Spent 20mins coaxing her into the car. When we reached school, she clung to me like a koala and when her form teacher took her away from me. She burst into tears immediately and tried to reach out to me....Her face was red, tears and snot were flowing within 10-15 seconds of me handing her over to the teacher.

I said a hurried "Bye sayang, love you." And left quickly to minimise anymore crying on her part.

If she doesn't see me, I think she would stop crying and be distratced by other things and her friends in class, right? Right?

Sigh. :(

Now I understand what my mum said when she had to fetch my brother to my grandmother's house last time in the mornings before work.

It really affects your day when your kid acts up in the morning. You feel uneasy and hope that she is ok. Your mind tries to focus on work but at the back of your mind you keep wondering how she is doing.

Maybe I'll give the school a ring later... 

Thoughts

Bracing myself for what could be a challenging year ahead.

Mentally. Emotionally. Physically.

Work. Family. Self. Finances.


Family. I worry almost constantly about the younger girl these days.
The older one is doing good now and developing well so that's good.
The parents are getting significantly older, especially my father. There is talk again between my mother and I, about how to handle their property. Namely, whether or not should they keep it and if they do sell it, should they downgrade to a smaller flat or co-own another dual-key unit with one of us two siblings.

Work. I need to close up a damn project that's been around since 2012.
I need to start up 2 other projects as well. Not quite sure how to start these at all.
New boss is in and expectations and working style is all different. Need to get used to him. I think this is a positive thing. New boss, new insights, new directions, more improvements. Fresh pair of eyes to look at things and suggest changes.

Self. I have not exercised much. I have not used my new pair of running shoes though I bought them 2-3 months ago. I have not fulfilled my promise to K.
I need to keep myself calm as well. Keep my down times minimal.
I need to let go more as well perhaps. Find a direction. Somewhere. Somehow.
Need to grow.

Finances. Save save save.
Grow whatever I have. For myself, for the family, for the kids.
Plan things well. Manage things better. Learn and read up about things.


Evidently I can't concentrate at work. I am typing this out while attempting to draft out an important email. A lot of thought needs to go into that email and I can't seem to focus on it.

Jiayou.

Jiayou.

Typical Morning

It was a rushed morning as usual. Things went pretty okay. Nadya didn't fuss when my FIL put her in the car. Nor did she fuss during the journey. Alyssa was good too and was pretty much just being a smiley baby.

But when the lift door opened on the floor of their school, Nadya started fussing. Got a little messy here because the inlaws got abit jittery too haha.

MIL brought Alyssa to the infant care side and FIL and I brought Nadya to the nursery class area. She allowed him to bring her in so I thought I was not needed anymore and went over to the infant side to give Alyssa a goodbye kiss.

When I turned back to leave the infant care side and make my way to office, FIL was there waiting for me again. With Nadya in his arms.

She had apparently wanted to look for me and only wanted me to carry her.

And so back to the nursery class it was for me. Had to carry Nadya back there again before she finally could settle down and go romp around with her classmates....she was still somewhat reluctant to let go of me though...and said bye to me with big round pleading eyes.

Sigh. Hard to wave goodbye to such a face...:(
Jiayou mummy....

Keep well my nose...

The nose is stuffed. Sometimes it leaks. Not good.
I hope it clears up within these few days based on whatever medication I have on hand.

No...I don't want to see the doc again....:(

I seem to be down every week...

Now, where do I go collecting more mana to boost my life force? ...Haha....

人比人，气死人

So sometimes I wonder why I subject myself to comparisons.
It can serve as a simple motivational tool.
But lose track of things and then it becomes something that perpetuates envy and/or jealousy.

Not healthy.

Reminder to self again that I shouldn't compare too much.

I've gotten better at this over the years but I do need to remind myself from time to time still.

What Are The Odds?

I've taken many taxis, whether flagged down or booked.
And I have never come across such coincidence. :)

I booked a cab last Friday evening to ferry me from MBC to Kembangan. And I picked up K along the way at Robinson Road. It turned out to be a Transcab lady driver (Auntie Lim) who was rather chatty with me. She zipped up when K boarded the cab though haha.

This morning, exactly a week later, I booked a cab to ferry me to work and voila, it was her again. I had thought the cab's licence plate number was quite familiar but it didn't occur to me till I got on the cab and saw her.

Fated.

She had taken a booking somewhere near Bedok but when she arrived at the location, apparently the person who made the booking did a no-show. When she tried to contact that person, that person rejected her calls. And so, she had no choice but to leave and hope for another booking.....And yes, I was that next booking which came along haha.

真的是有缘。

Thanks Auntie Lim for the entertaining ride. :)
Now I not only know that you are living in Jurong, but that you are a huge animal lover.

Oh....My...Lips!!

I had some chicken curry for dinner last night.

And my lip eczema decided to flare up after that. Parts of my lips were itching last night. And when I woke this morning, my lips were rather red and blotchy at the areas which were itchy. I don't have a lip line anymore at those areas. More like a blurring between the lip and my facial skin.

Bah....

I don't like it when this happens. Because I feel conscious when I talk to people and they start staring at my lips lol.

I hope it goes away soon!!

p/s: But I'm thankful I don't have sausage lips like how some who have lip eczema end up getting...hehe.

Peanut.....

I am missing Peanut a lot. ALOT.

I spent almost 5 full months with her. I saw her everyday and spent hours with her each weekday. Now I can only see her briefly in the morning and then for a short while in the evening before Little Baby comes home and tries to monopolise me.

The guilt is there.

The mind is in the office but the heart is with the little ones.

I salute all working mothers.

Clearly, I have not gotten used to going back to work yet.

:(

The Brother

Adrian just got promoted to General Manager of Events at his organisation.
Happy for him...:) I do hope the additional workload and responsibilities won't swarm him.

He's doing well for himself and thriving. Even more so after he officially joined the Catholic faith.

Kinda glad he did not take up that job offer from our uncle all those years ago. I doubt he would have been happy in that company.



Am I doing well in my life? I don't know.
Good in some aspects, mediocre in others.
Overall ok I guess. :)

Chiropractic Issues

There was a free spine screening session by a chiropractor in the office today. I went for it and received some depressing news.

My scan showed a stress score of 1,293. In comparison, my colleague had a reading of 300-plus. FML.

So apparently I have horrible neck posture and I have super duper high tension and tense muscles in the neck and shoulder areas. To top it off, my lower back is apparently rather weak. Besides the electronic scan reading, he told me all these by just holding my back and asking me to do some simple bending positions.

The doctor told me to go book a chiro session with them to fix my issues.

Sigh.

:(

Tears

"A drop of clear saline fluid secreted by the lacrimal gland and diffused between the eye and eyelids to moisten the parts and facilitate their motion."
- Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary



They lurk
Just beneath the surface
Ever ready to fall
At the slightest provocation



"Tear are words the mouth can't say nor can the heart bear."
- Joshua Wisenbaker

The Now

Lines between night and day have gradually gotten blurred

I feel sleepy in the day and am kept awake at night

Life itself seems to be a blur

A constant heady mix of things happening and needing your attention

With nary a break in between 

Work is another constant blur

Distractions and deadlines 

People, mails, projects, bosses, the like

It is difficult to concentrate

I'm distracted

The mind falters, wanders or switches off 

The mind at times too travels into a deep abyss I try not to go to 

At such instances things take a noxious ominous note

I gag and I heave and I try to pull myself out

I remind myself 

There are people who still need me

There are people who still love and care for me 

I'm more blessed than others

I should be stronger and more content

I should think and worry less

There will be light at the end of the tunnel

The sun will still shine after the rain

Get Well Soon Peanut....

If I include PD and doctor visits for the kids in addition to my own, I think I would easily hit 1-2 visits to the doc every week for the last 2 months.

Brought Peanut to the PD this morning again. Poor girl has been having a badly congested nose since Saturday night. She caught a cold on the 1st day of CNY but it cleared up. For a mere 3 days before it started again.

She has been sneezing out chunks and dribbles of mucus. And she has been crying more than usual. I think she's tired too because she can't sleep well. See liao heart pain.  :(

I'm at work but my heart is at home now where she is being cared for by the helper.


Jiayou Peanut...!

What's up doc?

I've seen a GP an average of once a week for the last 4 weeks. And prior that, an average of 1-2 times a month since the birth of Peanut. 

These are not counting whatever checkups I had. 

Argh. 

That puts it close to 10 or maybe even 10 trips to the GP in the last 5 months. 

So the lack of rest has made me susceptible and vulnerable to various ailments? 

Sigh.

I hope it only gets better from here on...

Headaches

I've been having headaches these 2 days. Basically, since I started work yesterday.

Popped Panadol earlier today and it helped for several hours but now the throbbing has started again. 

I can only attribute it to:

1. I don't wanna go back to work.

2. The constant glare of the laptop screen.

3. The constant glare of the fluorescent lights overhead.

4. Suddenly using too much brain cells when the brain has not been picked at in such a manner for many months.

5. The constant sounds and chatter throughout the whole day.

6. The small talk and banter when you meet other colleagues throughout the whole day.

7. Missing my bed too much.

8. Missing my girls too much.

9. Wearing contact lenses again after a long hiatus.

10. Lack of sleep.

Of cabs and taxis

I caved. 

I took a cab home after work again today.  

Are laziness and a splitting headache sufficient as reasons for doing so? 

:((( 

I've spent $100 on cabs in 2 days. Sigh. 

Of Monologues and Double-Words

And so, now that Peanut has started infant care and the inlaws have started sending and fetching her to and from school.....the monologues with double-words have started again. The same monologues we heard 2 years back. 

"Oh the sun glare glare lah!"

"You want to hold hold? Alyssa grab grab lah!"

"Oh you want to chew chew and bite bite!"

"You want to mum mum is it?"

"See the tree tree, bird bird, cloud cloud?"

"Look at the [insert noun twice]!"

Much noise in the car in the mornings. 

I need more patience. :)

The long drawn weaning process

It's taking a long time but I think I'm doing an alright job of weaning Peanut off my milk. 

She went from 100% breastmilk to now maybe 55% formula and 45% breastmilk.  

I went from pumping 6 times a day to the current 3 times a day. 

I will need to continue pumping at work for a few more weeks or maybe a month or two. 

I started Little Baby on cereal and other solids when she was 5.5months and I would be doing the same for Peanut. 

Hopefully that would be the time when I would be able to wean Peanut off completely. 

I'm half-hearted about it though....weaning her off. A little guilty about it. 

And also.....What if she doesn't recognise my smell anymore? 

As it is, with her starting infant care and Little Baby being so clingy to me, I am spending very little time with Peanut. :( 

Year of the Monkey

This year's CNY isn't much to shout about. 

Besides the fact that K flew off for work on 初一 night, Peanut and I fell sick on 初一 night as well. I also smacked Little Baby on 初一 night, and was the cause of her tantrum on 初三 night and 初四 morning. 

I hope tonight will be better. I shall rein in myself and attempt to be less harsh/strict on Little Baby. Sometimes, maybe discipline can take a backseat? 

Fingers crossed that the weeks and months and year ahead will be better. 

大年初二

Lunch was plain rice with some corn soup, plain tau kwa and some sotong balls. A little pathetic but the helper and I were looking back after Peanut and couldn't do much else.

My nose was starting to drip and so I popped a flu pill and promptly concussed for 1.5hrs. Helper was watching over the napping Peanut and besides, I didn't give her any instructions for dinner. And so voila...we don't have dinner. 

Instant noodles to the rescue. 

Yes a little pathetic again....

This CNY hasn't been all that rosy but I'm just happy Peanut is still smiling sometimes amidst her crankiness and general malaise.

Fingers crossed.

明天会更好啊!!

大年初一

I smacked Little Baby and shouted at her numerous times last night. 

(Besides the usual hugs and kisses she gets from me.)

Didn't want to do so on the first day of CNY but I guess there's no choice when the situation calls for it. 

:(

If there's any consolation. I explained why I had to scold and smack her and she seemed to brush off the incident within minutes. 

Sigh.

Alone with helper. K is away for a work trip. 

One girl is down with fever and runny nose and very cranky.

The other is recovering from diarrhoea but still fussy and volatile and sticky as hell to me.

Had dinner at 1015pm because Peanut was hard to put to bed. Put her down twice into her cot and each time she woke within 10-minutes. 

I eventually slept at 12am. Only to be awoken by her cries at 1230am. The helper settled her while I settled Little Baby who had woken up as well due to the noise. 

215am. Little baby woke again and was fussing like shit. No idea why, just incessant whining and fussing and kicking. 

I hope that's the end of tonight's challenges. 

FML lah. I know I 犯太岁 this year but no need to "choot" so much pattern when it's 大年初一 right?!

And now I feel the onset of a bad sore throat and a sniffly nose. Plus I seem to be growing a cyst next to one of my ears. 

Sigh. Argh. Bah. Bleah. 

%#<^*!!?!!><]#%£€¥!!!%#

Granny

Granny would have been 100 years old on 7 Feb if she were still around.

Ally said she was prolly enjoying herself and having a good game of mahjong up in heaven. 

I like that idea. :) 

And she's prolly playing with Ipoh, Tuan Ku and her eldest sister who passed on like maybe 60/70/80 years ago...

Happy Chinese New Year Mama...Selamat Tahun Baru Cina...

I miss your potato chips, buah keluak, hee peow soup and acar...these were all your CNY specialities...

When going out

Before kids

- In contact lenses

- With make-up

- Colour-coordinated outfit

- Matching footwear

- Almost flawless hair

After kids

- In specs (of which the bronze surface is incidentally starting to peel off to reveal the silver base beneath. Super obiang I know)

- No make-up

- Non-colour coordinated outfit

- Non-matching footwear

- Bed hair (it's a bonus if I manage to brush through it once before leaving the house) 

P/s: somehow these days I am not brushing my teeth before bed. I end up just crawling into bed....ok bad habit I know. :( 

Little Baby

CNY celebration in her school today. 

Her class was supposed to put up a number. A CNY song complete with accompanying hand actions. She was sitting with me when her class' turn came and a Chinese teacher plucked her out from my arms and brought her to the front of the large room where all teachers, parents and children were gathered. 

She was clingy today and promptly burst into tears. I had to sit with her in the front of the room. Thankfully some of her other classmates insisted that their parents say with them too so I was not the only adult there. 

Even though I was with her, she still refused to sing, let alone do the hand actions. 

She withdraws in front of strangers. She withdraws even more in front of a small group. And today's group was much larger than usual and noisier as well. She was frightened out of her wits I think. She kept clinging to me, sat on my lap and did not want to budge. 

My dear daughter...I know. Mama hates crowds too and doesn't really like performing in front of one. 

But hey, Mama did eventually participate in a dance performance item in front of the entire school. At the age of 17. It takes time and some effort. Jiayou ok...:) Dada and Mama are behind you all the way! 

Toe-smacking goodness

She just discovered her toes yesterday. :) 

Milky business

I took a massive amount of antibiotics for my dental appointment on 21 Jan last week and was advised to stop breastfeeding the baby for a whole week.

Anyway I had at least 25 packets of milk in the freezer that was enough to feed her for the week. I just resumed feeding her my milk again today, after pumping and dumping for the entire week. 

I calculated how much I pumped and dumped and my jaw dropped. 

I threw away 4 litres of my milk. 

Two things stood out. 

1) I threw that much milk away?! Gosh that's like 4 cartons of milk leh!! Heart pain lor....:( So wasted...mega sayang!! Sigh....

2) Omg you mean I am producing that amount of milk in a single week? 4L in 7 days? Whoa...I never knew because I never thought to measure or do a calculation. Plus this is when I am trying to wean her off and start her on formula milk somemore. Imagine last time when she was fully on my milk, I think I was producing more..possibly up to 5L in a week. Wow...

The Flying K

And so it has started. 

From today, K will be traveling once a week for the next 4 weeks. For 2-3 days each time. 

Praying for safe travels. 

And praying for a cooperative time from the two sisters. 

Peranakan Makan part 2

We were reminiscing this morning, my parents and I.

Of food that my granny used to make. 

Cincalok

Acar

Bee Hoon Titek

Fermented Rice

Her special Sambal

Her own potato chips

Yellow Rice

And the list goes on....

Peranakan Makan

Every year, just before CNY arrives, I would spend either a Saturday or a Sunday morning with my parents, slaving away in their kitchen to make buah keluak for CNY. This tradition has not stopped even though I moved out almost 4 years ago. 

I'm not sure when this started but it has become a given such that we would book the date way in advance. Like in December or November the previous year lol. 

K helped out last year and this year as well. This year, it was because I had to look after Peanut whom we brought over to my parents place as well. She was fussing and I had to tend to her and so K took over some of my cooking duties. :) 

Rudeness

I had someone send me a message through Whatsapp. He asked for my opinion on which design to choose for his corporate brochure as well as for my feedback, if any, on the designs available.  

I gave him my choice and provided him some simple feedback. And thereafter there was zero response from him. 

Like wtf? I took my time to help you evaluate and then there was no response? Not even a thank you? How rude can you be? And no, you are obviously not that busy if you have the time to type out a 300-word FB status. 

Why ask me in the first place if you are not keen or sincere enough to respond?

Simian lines

Suddenly wish that I knew someone with knowledge of palmistry. 

Why?

Because both my daughters are born with their head and heart lines joined together to form a deep single line on their left palms. And that line runs from edge to edge. 

Big coincidence I think. 

Because I know no one who has this, except for an uncle of mine. He happens to have both heart and head lines joined together to form a single line, on both palms. A fortune teller my maternal grandmother went to said that my uncle would have good fortune and luck. 

But if this phenomenon only appears on the left palm? Then what?

A quick search on Google told me that such lines are called Simian lines. They indicate great intensity but also a tendency to rush into things without thinking clearly or thoroughly enough. Folks with these lines apparently do achieve more than others but they also face more obstacles and misfortunes in their journey in life. 

Wish someone could read their palms for me and tell me what my girls will be like next time. 

But then again...que sera sera?

Little Baby's Assignment

And so Little Baby isn't so little anymore. She just received her first piece of "homework" yesterday. 

A white glove that she, together with a parent, is supposed to get creative with. We could colour, paint, embellish or dye the glove. 

I couldn't hold her attention long enough and we ended up just emblazoning the glove with multiple colours from her marker pens. Maybe we can do more tonight. Like stick some paper hearts on it or something. 

P/s: we're supposed to submit the decorated glove back to her teacher on Monday together with a family photo so that she can do a show-n-tell. 

Wahrau, I is noob!! Show what tell what ah??!! And we are supposed to practice with her I think. The instructions given by the teacher weren't very clear. :(

"This ish my mama, this ish my dada, this ish my meimei." Is it??

Pong Tau Hu

It's been a long while since I cooked something Peranakan. 

Well technically, I didn't cook this Pong Tau Hu soup today. But I gave detailed instructions to my helper lol. And popped by the kitchen from time to time to guide her along. What to do? Either one of us has to look after the baby. 

Turned out a little oilier than I wanted (helper has a heavy hand for oil) but the taste is pretty much there. 

What I would like to say

(Long long long post...)

To my 8-year-old self:

Sweetie, it is very rude to tell someone else "Byebye fat pig!". Even if that other person is really on the heavier end of the weighing scale. You have much to learn about respect, diplomacy, good behavior and social etiquette. And, you totally embarrassed your parents when you said that to their friends' kid. Be nice. Treat others the way you would want to be treated. 

To my 12-year-old self:

Stop comparing yourself with others. All girls develop differently and to each their own pace. You are unique and beautiful in your own way. Don't worry about being left on the shelf too, the boys will come next time....trust me.

To my 15-year-old self:

Rock on! Stay cheerful! Continue nurturing and developing those friendships of yours for they will turn out to be some of the best ones you will ever have. 

To my 16-year-old self:

It is okay to have some healthy competition amongst your peers in school. Just don't make it an all-consuming goal to best every single one of them in each test or exam. It burns you out way too quickly. There are still many years ahead of you, both in terms of schooling and then working. 

Pace yourself and learn to take it easy sometimes. Scoring a mark less than that other brainy girl is no biggie, save for the fact that your ego took a slight knock. And so what if you were the only student in the whole school to get an A1 for English Literature or if you were the top O-level student in your school for your cohort? It means little when you go out to work in the future. Really, it doesn't mean a thing. 

To my 17-year-old self:

Like I said. Learn to take it easy. Slow down. Smell the roses. Don't put too much pressure on yourself and don't have such high expectations of yourself. Don't put too many things on your plate either. It really does burn you out. Nobody is asking you to be top-notch at everything from studies to ECA. Your parents aren't even telling you to. Taking the anti-depressant Xanax for 2 weeks is fine. It wouldn't be good at all if you needed to take it for months or years. 

To my 19-year old self:

Enjoy the freedom doll. But bear in mind too that you need to be responsible for your actions. Don't lose focus. Getting the first Ds in your life was a sound wake-up call, right? Enjoy all the hostel activities but erm, do remember that all suppers eventually end up on your waist, thighs and hips. And well, I told you the boys would come. Choose wisely. Years spent and lost with the wrong person by your side would never be regained. 

To my 22-year-old self:

It is okay to not know what you want. It is okay to be lost and unsure of what you want your career to be. Go forth and explore but at the same time, don't shortchange yourself. And, don't be too naive. 

To my 24-year-old self:

Use your youth wisely. It is one of your biggest asset so don't squander it away. Sure, spend your days having fun and enjoying life but also, do spend some time enriching yourself and learning new things. In business and at work, treat others with respect. You'll earn theirs too. 

And, your parents might be a pain in the ass but that is because they've been through life and they sometimes really do know better.

To my 25-year-old self:

Life throws you major curveballs sometimes. You'll have to learn to live with it. Surround yourself with friends who love and support you. They make a difference to how wonderful your life can be. Plus sometimes you need their help to manage those damned curveballs. And, your parents, however callous or overbearing or naggy or argumentative they might be, really just love you to bits. That's just the way they show it. Love them back with equal ferocity, if not more.

To my 27-year-old self:

Everyone changes. Everyone has a different side to them. And everyone makes mistakes. If some of these people happen to be your closest friends, learn to accept their failings and more importantly, learn from their misjudgements. For those who are willing to change, be there for them. It may seem like there is no sanctity in marriage or relationships anymore but for every bad situation you come across, know that there are at least 20 other good ones.

To my 28-year-old self:

Remember again that life throws you curveballs. Sometimes it cuts deep and breaks your heart into a million shards. But that is so that you can heal again and be reborn as a stronger and wiser person. Go easy on the drinks by now. You're not as young as you used to be and your stomach is not as strong as it used to be. 4 small bottles of beer every Friday night for a year and more seems of little significance but trust me, cut down on the drinks and your health and stomach will be thankful later on in life. 

Embrace the opportunities given to you at work. Embrace the travel opportunities as well. Learn and experience things. It helps your mind grow. 

To my 29-year-old self:

Rejuvenation and recalibration sometimes go hand in hand. Be brave and open new doors. Be open and love again. Be courageous. Yes and keep up with the exercise.  Your body will thank you for it.  Feed your brain with new things too so it doesn't stagnate. Work hard, but do take a step back to smell the roses and play a little as well. 

To my 32-year-old self:

Live and let live. Sometimes taking a step back works better for the good of the whole situation. Changes may be for the better. They definitely test your limits and adaptability and they definitely give you an opportunity to learn and grow. 

To my 33-year-old self:

Don't worry. You are doing just fine. Yes, you may feel the need to step up but bear in mind too that motherhood is a learning journey. No one knows what to do immediately when they become a mother. Do take care of yourself too. When you are fine and well, you can then care for your little one in your biggest capacity. Oh, and I bet you didn't know your heart could be filled with so much love, right? 

Toothy affair

Glad I got it done. One off my to-do list.

I went to the dentist this morning. This appointment had been delayed for a good 20months. Mainly because of my pregnancy and Peanut's birth.

Admittedly, since the latest pregnancy, I've not been brushing my teeth regularly at night. So I am really glad that my teeth are ok except for a small chipped portion which was mended with some filling.

The only downside of this dental appointment is that I need to "pump and throw" my milk for a good 5-6 days after the appointment.

Why so?

Because I have to pop 8 antibiotic pills before each of my dental appointments. Today was no exception. And this is an unwelcome inconvenience due to my mild heart issue. Because of the strong presence of antibiotics in my bloodstream these few days, I need to lay off breastfeeding. Hence the "pump and throw" situation. :( I did a simple calculation. I will be throwing away at least 3 to 4 litres of my milk. Zzzzzz.....

Work

New boss = new pet

Hmm...with the change of guard, this shell has fallen out of favour and is now languishing in neutral territory again. Plus the rest have had 5 extra months to showcase themselves to him, during this period that I am away.

Well, at least I am thankful I am not on hostile ground or banished to some low-lying moor.

This time round, there's been so many changes and things happening during my ML. I hope I can keep up and get my engine back into shape when I go back to work in mid-Feb.

Psyching myself up already. It is less than a month to go....

White!

As far back as I can remember, all my life, I've never owned a white pair of pants or jeans or leggings. 

For 2 reasons:

(1) I thought they made my legs look chunky.

(2) I'm one of the clumsiest persons around and get my clothes dirtied easily. 

It is an irony then that I just bought my first pair of white legging pants, at one of my heaviest weights ever (sans baby). 

Heck it. Mother of 2. If I look chunky then I look chunky. 

It's for CNY, to match a kebaya top I bought. 

P/s: sidetrack, yes we are going Peranakan this year. Meaning it as a surprise for my parents. :) Nadya's got a lovely kebaya top and matching sarong. I'm going without the sarong though, can't move properly in it and it will make tending to 2 kids very challenging haha. Even K has got a batik top. :) Although I couldn't find a kebaya that fits Alyssa, I bought a batik hanky for her to use on that day. At least she will be in on the theme as well :) 

P/p/s: Oh yes, the leggings are from Uniqlo. No, they are not paying me to plug their brand. Though I wouldn't mind if they did. Just so happened that I took the pic without realizing their logo was showing....

The Flipped Peanut

Peanut has finally flipped today :) At the age of 3mths and 3 weeks. Well done baby girl! 

And it was such a coincidence that my mother was at my place today and got to witness this milestone first-hand with me. 

3 generations gathered in one room. When the youngest flipped, the older two clapped their hands in joy and excitement! The youngest one was wondering what happened and decided to bury her head in the bed and try to eat the bedsheet....lol. 

work...

I just cleared some work emails. More like sifted through them and saved the neccessary documents.

There was a particular document I read. I am usually the one handling this work item and someone is covering me for it now that I am away from office.

The document was sub-par. Grammar mistakes, numerous formatting mistakes, typo errors, spelling errors....gosh. And it was submitted to my boss for approval. Like wah lau, it's so unedited and obviously not proof-read.

I debated internally. Whether to amend and spruce up the document or not.
A year ago, I would have undoubtedly said yes. Heck, I wouldn't even be hesitating about it like how I am now.

But right now, my mindset has shifted slightly. Maybe I should just f*ck care. If the immediate boss is seemingly blind to such effort on my part, then why should I stupidly spend time and effort cleaning up the document when it should have already been done by someone else?? I was always doing this for others in the last few years. Maybe it is time I stop molly-coddling them or spoon-feeding them. They have taken me for granted already. "Oh anyway Michelle will edit and proof-read my document so I can just anyhow type now."

And so, I came to the conclusion. I shall not do anything to the document. Especially not while I am on leave.

Principles? Work ethics? Ah f*ck them.
Now that my old boss has left, I am the only grammar and formatting nazi left in the team. Not to my advantage to continue what I have done for the last few years. 

Playtime - Bonding time

I brought Peanut to the park yesterday evening.

Sitting at the playground there, I noticed one thing. There was a disproportionately large number of foreign domestic workers (predominantly Filipinas) who had brought their charges to the playground, compared to parents or grandparents bringing their children or grandchildren for some fun.

I am not sure if this is generally the trend and that I would see the same thing happening at another playground located within an HDB setting.

Or is this just due to the demographics of the area I am living in, where families rely more on domestic helpers than elsewhere.

Whichever it is, I feel a little sad that kids are unable to have fun at the playground with their own parents...sigh.

Mini celebrity?

The blatant stares, the whispers, the sidelong glances, the wide-mouthed gapes, the sneaky furtive looks.

And also the open smiles, the cooing, the mini waves, the cheerful laughter.

I get all these and more whenever I bring Peanut out. Whether it is a walk to the park, at the park, or in a shopping mall, I get all these. 

All because of her hair. :)

Some would talk behind me "Wow look at that baby!" Or "你看你看！她的头发很多leh!" Or "OMG she has so much hair!" Or "Wah, ee eh tao mor jin juay!!"

Some would come up to me and comment on her hair. 

Some would just stare at her like she's some weirdo.

But most would just look at her and smile when they notice I have noticed them.

Lol...my little one, you connect much better with people compared to your elder sister. But even when you are not intentionally looking at others, they are also naturally drawn to you. The people magnet that you are.

Stay cheery and sociable! 

My sleeping beauty

Nothing's more satisfying than having your child fall asleep in your arms so comfortably. It shows that she trusts you too. 

Sleep well my baby...

Long night

Little Baby kept me awake most of the night yesterday. Erm or should I say, for most of the early hours this morning.

She woke at 1am after having slept at 9pm the previous night. She wanted milk. Usually after having milk, she would roll over and fall back to sleep quite immediately. This time round she tossed and turned and whimpered. I tried to pat her to sleep and hummed the usual lullabies I sang for her. It took me a long time to get her back into lala-land. 

She woke again at 2:40am. Barely an hour after I last put her to sleep. Oh come on, another long night? I thought to myself. 

I coaxed and carried, patted and rocked her back to sleep, to no avail. She whined and whimpered and fussed. She complained of pain and discomfort. She told me she wanted to poo and even made grunting sounds while exerting and trying to poo. I told her that it was okay and that she need not force it. She could still poo in the morning. 

She seemed to agree and calmed down. She flipped over away from me. Suddenly she tilted her head, made gagging sounds and before I knew it, she vomitted. Big time. I literally saw her spewing out a torrent of erm...stuff. She "merlioned", in Singlish speak. Two big liquid projectiles. 

I called K for help. When I switched on her room light, the poor girl had half her face covered in vomit. Half of her hair was slicked in slime and vomit as well. Her pillow was wet and hidden under a layer of semi and undigested rice, vegetables, milk and papaya. I thought I saw some fishcake too. Parts of the bed frame, mattress and floor were dirtied as well. 

Not a pretty sight. The smell was rather funky too.

I whisked her off for a bath. K and the helper cleaned up her room. 

By the time I brought her back to the room it was almost 4am. My job was still not done, I still had to put her to bed again. Which was not easy considering she just had a shower that pretty much perked her up and woke her from her slumber. 

I am unsure what time it was when she finally fell asleep. 

But she soon woke again at 630am. Sigh...

Anyway...I just hope she's fine and that her vomitting was only due to indigestion and over-eating.. 

Hehe...Hair-Hair

So this is what you do when you have some time...and when your baby girl has so much hair...:)

Buy Buy, Bye Bye

I've been on a roll these 3 months that's I've been at home. On a roll at qoo10 that is.

I think I've easily spent a high three-figure sum getting stuff from them. 

Erm....stuff including clothes (and more clothes) for Nadya, Alyssa and myself, breastmilk storage bags, children's stickers for Nadya, handphone pouch for K, umbrella to replace 2 which have spoilt, googly eyes for art and craft, special angpow packets, customized Xmas gifts for friends, gift tags, piggy bank for Nadya, bag, storage shelf for the house, etc...

Buy Buy

And then...

Bye Bye $$.....

Les Papillions

Butterflies. :)

Made these for Nadya. A surprise for her when she gets home this evening. These require some cutting so I'm not sure if I can make these with her. Maybe I should explore a non-cut version so it's easier for her to make. 

Bits and pieces

Parenthood is also a journey of self-discovery, growth and learning. I hope I develop into a better person because of my two girls. 

==========

There are those who feel they are always right and unconsciously impose their ideals and expectations on others. I have not found a way to manage them. Maybe patience and to a certain extent, avoidance? 

==========

CNY is approaching. Another time of the year when I feel happy meeting up with friends and relatives but when my pockets scream for mercy. 

==========

My granny pops up from time to time in my head. Christmas was a time when I thought about her a lot. My last gift to her when she was still somewhat lucid and before she passed, was a beige coloured teddy bear. She was sitting in a swivel armchair at Adrian's house and was gently opening the gift. She was amused at the teddy bear but it grew to be her good friend and companion while she spent her last days in the nursing home. 

Now that CNY is coming, I'm thinking about her again. I miss the times when we would make potato crisps, buah keluak and achar together for CNY. 

Tears

Eons ago when I was in my teenage years, I often found myself crying at night. I could not fathom why and thought there was something wrong with me. The days were ok, I had friends and we did things or I had school to occupy me. But sometimes at night I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness and I just let the tears flow. I did feel better after crying though I could not understand. When I was older and looked back, I attributed it to teenage angst.

I remember when I was 17, I sat on the floor of my mother's kitchen and bawled my eyes out on New Year's Eve. The lights were on and I think my grandmother was asleep in her room. 

Many years ago when I was hurt deeply, I found myself sitting on the steps of Harbourfront MRT, at the exit near Vivocity's taxi stand. Although it was a weekend, that exit was hardly used and I did manage to find some solitude amidst the weekend buzz. Sarah McLachlan's "Angel" was playing on my then IPod Nano on repeat. I sat there for at least 15 repeats of the song. I don't remember how long that was. I was hurt, extremely upset, angry and lost. I don't remember too how much tears I shed during that period. 

The last time I felt hurt several months ago, I cried myself to sleep. I felt wronged, upset, tired and frustrated. 

Yes, I am a crybaby. I've always been. I don't care what others say. There is no right or wrong way. Each person has his or her own way of coping with things. This is mine. 

Maybe I need a long good cry now. 

Reminder to Self

I shouldn't stifle or restrict Little Baby's thinking and creativity.

We have been playing with a sticker book over the last few nights. It has an animal/zoo/safari theme and there are animal stickers that you can paste onto the zoo and safari background themes provided on several pages.

She chose a zebra sticker one night and stuck it upside down on one of the pathways on the safari theme page. I intervened and told her the zebra was not pasted correctly and should have been pasted upright on its legs instead. She said no and that it was walking on its head. And then I thought why not?

Another night she picked a sticker of a flower pot and stuck it on one of the pathways of the zoo. She did it haphazardly and the flowers ended up not being sequence with the existing flower pots on the given theme. The OCD in me was screaming "That is so wrong! Pls rearrange the flower sticker!" Took me some resolve to stop my itchy fingers from trying to rearrange her sticker so that it would be nearly aligned with the rest of the flowers in the theme. 

There are other instances where I found myself intervening and trying to correct her supposedly "out of the norm" choices. At times, I only realise I am limiting her when I've already done the deed. These days I am getting better and learning to let loose more. I am also getting better at stopping myself from "correcting" her creative choices.

Because whoever said a sun can't be coloured blue? 

I dun wan!!

Supposed to start work on 15 Feb. 

Totally not looking forward to it. For the following reasons:

1. I'll miss Peanut. ALOT.

2. I'll miss lounging around in singlet and shorts for the entire day.

3. I need to finish up a long-drawn project. 

4. I don't like the long journey to and from office. (I live in the east and work in Pasir Panjang)

5. I'm not sure how I can continue pumping and expressing milk while working. Nor can I walk around with swollen boobs either. 

6. I have not much work clothes that I can still fit into. Wish I could wear casuals to work every day. 

7. I know that there are a ton of hard copy things and other items piled up in my desk. Clearing them would be zzzz....

8. I know also that I have some HR administrative issues to settle with them with regard to my long absence.

9. I don't like having to rush in the mornings. Now we not only have to get Little Baby ready for school, we have to get Peanut ready too. And that is before we can get ourselves ready. 

10. I have to start the routine rush home from work again. 

Proud (and amused) Mama

Milestone! 

At 3.5 months. 

Peanut laughed out loud for the first time today! For a good minute or so while I tried my best to entertain her hahaha. Glad I managed to catch it on video :) 

Little Baby

There are those who say she looks like me. Sometimes I see it, sometimes I don't. As for this photo....yeah, maybe she's my mini-me from certain angles...:) 

Pic for Posterity

Chubby mummy :) 

Went out for a quick lunch with Kelvin Han, Lili and Han Chuan on Monday at Prego. My ex-colleagues from IDA. 

Reflections

It's 3rd Jan already. I haven't had much chance to reflect on what 2015 was for me, much less plan for what I would like 2016 to be. 

2015 was several things all at once. Challenges, tantrums, love, restlessness, laughter, family.

I can't say it went jolly well throughout the whole year, nor can I say that the highs trumped the lows. Perhaps 2015 was a year of equal highs and lows. Looking forward to a better 2016.

(But hor...it's the year of the Monkey. I 犯太岁! Zzzz....Fingers crossed!!)

CHALLENGES

Work. A long-drawn project 3 years in the making. Damn, it's 2016 already. Make that 4 years in the making. If I don't lead this project to its finishing point by this FY, I'll much definitely be roast meat. FML. Also, pesky colleagues picking on your nerves. 

On the homefront. Being pregnant and having to look after a sticky, whiny, "tantrummy" toddler stretched my patience to the limits. I cried many a time. 

Hired a helper. Which ironically, lessened my physical toll of having to do chores but totally upped my mental toll because I had added responsibilities of erm....being responsible for someone else, making sure she understood her role and the parameters she could work within, and well....managing her and her tasks.

Pregnancy. I put on more weight and was also more tired, especially from the 6th month onwards. 

TANTRUMS

Enough said. Crying, fussing, kicking, flailing, whining, screaming, shouting, shrieking, struggling. Heaving chest, flared nostrils and angry big puffy eyes. Coupled with spittle, snot, tears, and more saliva. Doesn't help that I am Little Baby's go-to person when she is seeking comfort, even if I was ironically the one who caused her meltdown. Absolutely tiring carrying an 11-12kg little person. Even more so when you were carrying another one within you. 

LOVE

Need I say more? 2015 was a year when I discovered I had more love to give than what I thought I already had. Peanut carved out another huge chunk of space in my heart. She didn't need much effort. :) Maybe it was because I was more successful at breastfeeding this time round. Maybe it was because I was more experienced. Whatever it was, I developed a bond with her much faster than I did with Little Baby last time. 

Little Baby frustrates me to no end sometimes. But I still love her to bits. 

K? While I might not have professed much to him openly, yes he has a big space in my heart too of course. Heh.

RESTLESSNESS 

Not quite sure if tiredness had a part to play in this but yes restlessness featured in my life from time to time. More so in the last quarter of the year. Perhaps it was monotony and unresolved issues at work. Perhaps it was the perpetual clutter at home. Perhaps it was too much of looking after the kids. Perhaps it was a lack of social life. Perhaps it was my inner  self wanting something more extraordinary to happen. 

LAUGHTER

I had much laughter in my life in 2015 and I am thankful. Friends at work made workdays bearable. Laughter and hearty chats during lunch hours gave me some strength and added some zest to my life. 

Little Baby cheered me up with her silly antics and spontaneous dances. These days Peanut makes me laugh too with her toothless grins and gurgles. 

FAMILY

I love my family. They are always there for me and I am grateful and thankful for that. I look forward to the weekly Saturday dinners at my parents' place. 2015 was no exception and I was especially grateful for the help my mum gave when Peanut arrived or when K went on overseas trips. 血浓于水。:)

说不出

说不出的累

说不出的无奈

说不出的烦

说不出的纳闷

说不出的心思

The Father

Dad has been looking haggard of late. Well, at least the last 3weeks or so. His eyes seem more sunken. His eyebags are more prominent. His dark eye circles are even darker than usual. And his eyes seem a little lackluster. 

But his spirit's still the same. Old man with a cheery and cheeky disposition, loud voice and hearty laughter. 

I hope he is okay. I've brought this to the attention of both my mum and brother. Another 2 pair of eyes to monitor my observations of him. 

73 years old, 74 next year. 

Stay strong Dad...I love you. 

Bah

A cough can be persistent. And I hate it when I get one of those. 

This ticklish cough has been around for 10 or 11 days already. Lurking around and refusing to buzz off even after a round of antibiotics.

Made a second trip to the doctor's today. Now I need to take 2 types of cough mixture simultaneously. 

Mission: 

Eradicate. Annihilate. This irritating cough. 

Ganbatte!

*cough* *splutter* 

If

If I were granted a Christmas wish this year, I'd be greedy and wish for two wishes to be given. 

My first wish would be for everyone dear to me (and myself) to remain healthy, happy and blessed always and to have everything good going for them. This just about covers everything from K having a smooth career to my parents having a clean bill of health, to my dear friends having everything going smoothly for them in all aspects, to my two little girls having good health and good learning experiences, to other dear friends finding peace within themselves, etc....

And my second wish would be for D & YL to receive what they have wished for wholeheartedly over the last 6 years - a baby of their own. May they also receive good news of their wait in the queue for IVF treatment. And may their IVF treatment be a successful one. I know how much both of them want this and I really do hope they receive good news soon enough. May God bless them in this journey of theirs. IVF treatment is not an easy thing to undergo....

Converse Shoes!!

I've been wanting a pair of Converse sneakers since time immemorial...ok abit of an exaggeration...since several years back. Even before Nadya came along I think. 

I don't remember why but somehow I have never gotten to doing it. 

I remember standing in a Converse retail store in 2013 thinking to myself "should I get it now?". I didn't in the end because I was pregnant with Nadya and it didn't make sense at that time to buy something I wouldn't wear during pregnancy. 

K fulfilled that wish for me today. So sweet. :)

(Thank you Sayang!)

He was running some of his own errands and included a trip to the Converse store in his to-do list. He also got a pair for himself and a tiny pair for Nadya. It is our 全家装of sorts haha. A footwear version. 

Nadya was excited about it for awhile. She was trying to tie her shoelaces for a good 10minutes plus. :) 

A Mother's Life

It's 930pm.

Alyssa is asleep.

Nadya is asleep.

The helper is asleep.

K is also asleep.

And here I am, about to take my shower. Then I need to express milk before I hit the sack.

Life of a mother?

First to wake, last to sleep...

Jiayou!!!

累了，病了

就知道会有这个情形出现。每天熬夜不够睡，再加上Nadya的runny nose 和cough, 我也中标倒了。

Self-medicate 了几天但似乎没什么进步。今早就去看了医生，讨了几种药回家。他还给了我antibiotics…

希望病能够快一点好。我怕会传给Alyssa…

Mother's Guilt

Nadya's stickiness to me and her crankiness is preventing me from spending more time with Alyssa, which I would really like to do actually. 

I hope Alyssa knows that I am her mother...

Sigh

Nadya

It was between the hours of 4am and 5am this morning. 

I found myself sobbing, and sitting on the floor of Nadya's room. 

She had woken at 4am, drunk milk, insisted on me carrying her and then refused to get back to sleep. And she was in one of her crankier moments. Cantankerous, obnoxious, fussy, demanding, unreasonable. 

She has been this way since the previous weekend. Probably a consequence of her not feeling well with a runny nose and a slight cough. Possibly also due to other reasons which we cannot confirm i.e. jealousy due to Alyssa's presence. 

She has also been waking up numerous times each night. It is taking a toll on me, physically, mentally and emotionally. Sleep deprivation sucks big time. It fucks the mind up too.

She has also been extremely sticky to me. Only I can feed her and put her to bed and do certain things with her. Even during playtime with my parents on Saturday at their place, she insisted that I be around near her. She went ballistic during a car ride because I'd chosen to sit in the front passenger seat with Alyssa. (I had to nurse the baby). 

She also wants to follow me everywhere. It is an "honor" I could sometimes do without though. I do not need a pair of saucer eyes staring at me while I take a dump or a piss in the toilet. 

I felt cornered this morning, sitting in her room with her door closed and curtains drawn. Backed up into a tight space with nowhere else to turn. There is no flight option when it comes to parenting. You can only stay and fight on. 

I was very frustrated at that point in time. Still am actually. Tired and frazzled as well. Hence the tears. While I cried, she continued sitting on her bed, whining and fussing away. I tried to keep a check on myself and only allowed myself a few short minutes of tears before tackling her again. 

She had insisted on me carrying her and going out to the living room or my own room. It lasted an hour before she finally settled down but still not in her bed. On the mattress below her bed (which we place there to catch her in case she rolls off the bed). And I had to sleep with her there.

Woke later on with aches and pains and a sore arm. She had used it as a pillow and her head is rather big. 

Taking care of a toddler is far more challenging than taking care of a baby...

I pray for strength, patience, tolerance and more love. 

Having 2 Kids Means....

1. An even messier house

2. Even crazier nights

3. Even shorter sleeping hours, if any (see 2)

4. A lot more love 

5. A lot more worries (on my part that is, not sure about K)

6. More bulk when heading out (think: extra diapers, clothes, milk, snacks, toys, stroller, etc)

7. More adventures when outside (think: a bawling baby and a screaming toddler)

8. An even fuzzier and blur mind from the lack of rest (see 2 & 3 above) 

9. You don't care if you have shaved or not and step out of the house praying your fur is really just invisible tufts transparent to the naked eye. (See 3)

10. Sometimes you don't have any idea what you are doing but you just do it anyway. Things can't be that bad right?

Achievement unlocked

A day shy of 26 months old.

Nadya pooed in her potty! 

Pic for posterity haha. 

Rivulets

Sometimes

You can't control it 

The rivers spring up 

And form their own meandering paths

Big sister, little sister

I've never had that much "mood swings" as I do now. 

Happy a moment, frustrated the next. Tired and grouchy one moment, roaring with laughter the next. 

Ah yes. Welcome to the world of 2 kids. 

Whatever it is. 

I feel blessed. Really. 

Freaky is when.....

Your 25 month-old wakes in the middle of the night and you are trying to put her back to sleep. She dozes off after a long while and then she suddenly wakes again and says with a whimper....

"Mama! Ah. Ah. Who beat me? Who beat my hand?"

"Nobody beat your hand sayang. Lie down and go back to sleep. Close your eyes."

"Mama! Somebody beat my hand...somebody!"

In my sleep-fuddled mind, I have to admit, I was a little spooked.

Conversations with a 25 month-old

A couple of mornings ago, I found a strange looking piece of something on Nadya's bed. It was somewhat round and a deep brown colour, almost black.

Me: Ew, what is this??
N: This is my pi sai. *nods sagely*
Me: -_-''

She knows pi sai means nose wax in Hokkien. I wonder where she picked it up from. Could me us, could be my inlaws or could be from school...

Mildly amused that she knows some Hokkien words like "chau chau" (smelly smelly) and "pi sai" (nose wax).

Tuesday night

Last night went alright. Not the most ideal but a great improvement from Monday night.

Each of the two girls woke only once, at around the same time of 230am/300am.

Nadya as usual came into my room. Hugging her blanket in one hand and rubbing her eyes with the other. It was 240am and I was expressing milk. Instead of going back to my room to wait for me, she chose to lie down on my pillow on the floor next to me while I finished up.

I hummed her favourite "This Old Man" song to her while the milk pump buzzed away. Not the most peaceful heartwarming scene but oh well, the best I could do given the circumstances haha.

Monday night madness

If Sunday night was a trying one then Monday night was madness.

Nadya slept at 915pm.
Alyssa slept at 1030pm.
I slept at 1130pm.

Alyssa woke at 12am, 2am, 4am and 5am.
Nadya woke at 130am and 530am. And each time she woke she came into my room to find me.

I think I only slept maybe 3 hours?
Broken into bits of 30mins, 30mins, 1.5hrs and a final 30mins.

After my inlaws came to pick Nadya up for school on Tuesday morning, I crashed into bed and got some sleep for another 1.5hrs before the grasscutter downstairs woke me up. Needless to say, I had a dull ache in the head for most of the day....and was somewhat grouchy for the first half of the day. 

Side snippet: 
When I asked Nadya on Tuesday morning why she kept coming into my room the night before, she replied "I want Mama."
Endearing and exasperating at the same time.