early morning thoughts

忍一时风平浪静，退一步海阔天空

这算是doormat的行为吗？
还是宽宏大量？
还是以大局为主？

退太多会不会令对方不知不觉的残生得寸进尺(或为非作歹...? ok this is an exaggeration)的行为？

在工作上
在私人生活上
在家庭中

hmm...

learning...still learning

Be patient when dealing with some junior staff. While they may be older than you in age, you are much more senior in designation. Due to age and a certain mindset hat has been honed over many years, some may be more stubborn or have a "fixed" way of doing things or have a certain "attitude".

Be patient.
Be mindful.
Be aware.
Be respectful.

But.

Still BE FIRM and assertive when needed.

==========
Trying my best not to flare up at a certain older staff member who tests my patience from time to time. I admit that I do have some bias against her. I am aware, which is why I am consciously working on it.  I am also conscious of it when I am dealing with her and will remind myself.

Also trying to come to terms with it that....some time in the next 6 months...she will be reporting to me when I take on another portfolio within the team....

Yes I Can

Been a challenging day with 5-6 calls, including a 2-hr plus Board meeting where I felt like I bungled the 2 papers I presented. (Boss later told me he thought I did pretty ok, not stellar but ok enough)

Brain zapped. Fried. zzz.

But the cooler evening, some energy from the kids, a stroll with K along the park connector after dinner (sans kids) and a nice shower has brought some sanity and energy back to me....

Clearing one more email for the day....then I'll indulge in some K variety liao and then it's bedtime...

*pat on the back*
It's been a challenging, but good day.

Onward, forward!
Ganbatte!

Long hair no more

Finally went to cut my hair yesterday. Chopped off 6 inches and my hair has gone from reaching the middle of my back to just touching my shoulders...

Happy to hear from my hairdresser, whom I've gone to for the last 12 years, that my hair was still in a pretty good condition even though it had gotten so long. The ends were a little dry that's all but they've been cut off. :)

I created a big mess at the salon with all my hair on the floor hahha...

Stomach spoil

When I try to be careful with what I eat, I'm told to relax and try and don't be so uptight about things.

When I relax and let go and eat, then this is what happens lor.

Stomach goes haywire...

Last week...Buffet on Wed, Mac on Friday lunch, a scoop of ice-cream on Friday evening, tried some green curry on Sat evening, had more than a few ondeh ondeh tarts on Saturday evening also...

And then....

Tummy hasn't been well since Saturday...
Felt a little of the acid reflux symptoms here and there. Abdominal and stomach cramps, bloatedness, general upper gut discomfort. Bad tummy ache last night. The slight breathlessness. The general lethargy that comes along everytime I get tummy issues.

I stopped the anti-acid pills since 23 March. The thought even crossed my mind if I should take some again. But no I shouldn't...

:(

More airplants!

We popped by A Tilly A Day yesterday afternoon after our anniversary lunch at Gyu Kaku.

Really lovely shop. The terrariums there put my amateurish ones to shame lol. They had both open and closed ones. Many of the smaller ones were just of moss though and the shop had many UV lighting tubes for the plants. Maybe that's why they usually keep so well in these shops but don't fare well when they get back to someone's home.

I managed to get the Xerographica that I was looking for. A whopping $30 bucks for a small one that fit into my palm. I'd probably be able to get it cheaper from a farm. But lazy to travel there. I ended up with 2 more Caput Medusae airplants too. One was grown from seed and looks vastly different from the existing one I have. Shop lady said it might be from the Philippines while the one I had was probably from Guatemala. The other Caput Medusae I got was very similar to the existing one I had. Somehow like their structure...:)

So yeah, my balcony's filling up....hahaha...

22 July 2020

8 years my love. :)
Since we had our Chinese wedding dinner.

8 years and 9 months
Since we had our ROM.

11 years and 4 months
Since we got together.

Thank you sayang
For being around.

Muacks!

Yay!

Brought the girls for a quick dessert fix at Garden Slug this evening. And finally! The plant shop Potta Planta next door was open!

Went in to ogle at their stuff and walked away with a pot of asparagus fern.
Yes, I love this plant....but lost the previous pot that Ally gave to me. It had succumbed to a mealybug infestation a few months back.

I hope this pot goes well. Will repot it tomorrow to a bigger pot and remove some browned stalks and fronds. Will explore if I can declump it and split it into 2 separate clumps...hmm....

Would have bought alot more at the shop.....if not for the exorbitant prices....
The pots are really chio...my style, my type. Monochromatic and duller earthy tones. Very simple designs with matching pot plates. Just one single drainage hole that I like. Raw ceramic and unglazed. Really laoniang's style.

But so so ex...a pot of 10cm height and 10cm width could set one back by $29....:(
For now, I'll just ogle and salivate at the pots......

If I'm successful at declumping the asparagus fern, maybe I'll get one small pot as a present to myself.....I'll just make do with plastic Baba flower pots for now...

#06-443

Quite sad.
Yes, I am.
Quite sad I am.
Yes.

The Tampines flat.
Has been sold.
Sold it has been.
The Tampines flat.

Memories.
Nooks and crannies
Granny.
Many.

Home.
Heart.
Love.
More.

==========
Buyer's a family with 2 daughters who are getting older and hence need more space. Lady of the house is 2 years older than I am. So maybe her kids are just slightly older than Nadya.

I hope the house gives these 2 girls as many good memories as it gave to me.
Whoever gets my room.....I wish that the room gives her good energy and comfort. And that she grows up well in that house, in that room.

zzzzzzzombie

Relatively zombiefied today.

Slept with the girls last night. At 1-plus, Nadya flopped over and half of her body was hanging off her mattress onto my tilam on the floor. And needless to say, she was on me.

3-plus, Alyssa woke and stomped over to my tilam. Squeezed in with me in that little space. The space is barely 70 or 80cm wide so I ended up getting squished on my side in an awkward position. Crappy neck and shoulders when I woke this morning. Didn't help that she sleeps with "flailing" arms sometimes. Macham octopus. I got whacked a few times in the night.

My engine has barely started and I'm falling asleep already. It's 9:15am.

Tahan!! Jiayou!! Friday already!

Of Hands and Feet....

Funny (and yet maybe also quite natural) how we don't really notice certain things about ourselves or even the things and people around us because we've taken their presence for granted already.

Was staring at my feet the other day. And suddenly realised how dry they were. Heels were dry and while they were not cracked, they had deep grooves. And erm....wrinkles and creases near the base of the foot. Many small red and blue veins as well. Decided to use baby oil to moisturise them that night and wore socks to sleep. They looked less dry the next day. I should do this more often.

Ever since CB started and I stayed at home and worked from home, I skipped using hand and body lotion. Hands are dryer now. Compounded by the fact that I'm washing my hands more too (because of more wiping, cleaning, gardening while at home, etc) I should start using some hand moisturiser again at least.

Of IDs, passwords and account info....

The ridiculousness of it all...
But no choice...it's part and parcel of the digital world now...

I have 20 different login accounts (and of course passwords) for various apps and accounts in the course of my work. Some I only use once or twice a year. Some I use every other day.

I have maybe another 10-over or 20 online accounts and passwords used in my personal life. Be it for banking, or online shopping or journalling.

The girls have their own school stuff that we need to log in to...That's another set of dunno how many IDs and passwords...

zzzzzzz....I lose track of these things at times.

Ended up jotting down all work-related info on a document. No choice. I cannot remember so many stuff. Some paswwords require a min of 8 characters. Some require 12. Some require a mixture of upper and lower case character with numerals and special characters. Some don't allow special characters. zzzzz

Of birthdays....and my strange brain

Just wished a JC friend happy birthday. Her birthday today. I wish her every year...kinda like a thing that I would do since around 10 years back maybe (could be more?). Not sure why or how it started also.

I wasn't very nice to her when I was in JC though we hung out in the same clique. I was ok with her at times but at other times I would feel irritated by her and not be so friendly with her I think. Guess I was a mean girl.

Happened to meet her on the train a long time ago and got to talking to her and her colleague on the train ride all the way from Bugis back to Tampines. And from then on I think I wished her every year.

I don't keep in touch with her at other times. But only wish her on her birthday. I do that with some other people as well though I'm not quite sure why I do so actually.

It is very strange how I remember the birthday of some random kid who was in my class back in Sec 1. And whom I've not kept in touch with since 13. I believe his name is Hassan and his birthday falls on 17 Feb.

I remember the birthdays of some people from sec sch and of some folks whom I got to know during my early to mid-20s. But I don't even know where they are now or what some of them are doing. I don't even have some of their numbers!

It is very strange. Because I try to commit to memory some friends' birthdays, but can't seem to do so very well. Yet, these people are the ones still in touch with me from time to time. And they mean much more to me than that random kid from when I was 13!!!

Flexibility

Flexibility needs to be handled with a measure of restraint and consideration.

Working from home now seems to mean that people ask you stuff at odd hours of the day. 

Not sure why tonight is so "special".

MW asked me stuff at 930pm. Mas asked me stuff at 10pm.

For those of us on duty for the elections, we sometimes clear work during our shifts and I've been getting emails at 2:00am, 3:30am and 5:30am lol.

Plants

Uhm Jung Hwa said on "Master in the House" that....

"I love flowers and plants. Keeping plants makes me happy. It's a healing process watching the plants grow and keeping them healthy and well. And they beautify the whole place too."

Yes, I agree.

===============
Airplant - Tillandsia Druid
One of the Druids that came from Malaysia has a pup now. I had sort of consciously paid less attention to this particular plant. I didn't like the look of it when it arrived and it had many damaged leaves. I still took care of it though and trimmed off the damaged leaves or withered areas. I still misted it daily, sometimes twice daily and I still soaked it once every 2 weeks or so.

Suddenly noticed yesterday that 2 of its leaves seemed a little out of place and "loose". Took a closer look and voila! There was a little pup there peeking out. No wonder the mummy's leaves seemed a little displaced at that spot. Let's see how this pup develops. I'm hoping for at least one of the airplants to flower....I've never had one that flowered....

A Tilly a Day
I found this shop online. It has a brick and mortar shop at Waterway Point too. I want to go visit it and buy myself a small Streptophylla or a small Xerographica. K and I were at Chin Ling Nursery on Monday during lunch and I saw a very nice Xero there on display....but it was a large specimen and....the price was too exorbitant for me...$98...I'll be content with a small palm-sized one at maybe $25? That's seems like the usual going rate....

Water Plum/Jasmine
Grand dame has been flowering quite a bit these few days. :) And shedding all the blooms on the same day or the day after too so I've been picking up after her quite a bit too haha. Love the scent the flowers give off....

Japanese Bamboo
Seems to have stabilised somewhat, though it looks rather bald. No longer turning yellow and shedding leaves like nobody's business. Plucked out some brown stalks the other day. They came off very easily from the soil. Seemed like they might have been rotted at the bottom, just above the roots. Hmm....I hope the other stalks are not affected.

Ficus Ginseng
The small one in the bonsai pot is suddenly faring much better after I layered some organic compost as a topsoil 2 weeks ago. A whole bunch of new baby leaves sprouted and some new branches too. I added more compost this week. Wonder what new surprises are in store.

The big one in the normal pot...I don't know what to do with it. It is shedding leaves again and looks horribly sparse and bald. After feeding it with compost, new buds and leaves have appeared but I'm not confident it can be back to its former glory days a few years back. Deciding what to do with this fella. Should I give it a drastic trim back? Should I repot it? Hmm....

Airplant - Tillandsia Caput Medusae
This beauty...I like. It's blossomed a lot after I brought it back from the office. For 1.5yrs it was kind of dormant in the office. Now, in natural light and air, it grew visibly bigger and longer and looks much greener too. The layer of fuzz has increased too and last week, it sprouted roots! Always nice to see some indication of when a plant is growing...I hope this fella grows more and flowers....:)

Thankful

• For having the opportunity to spend more time with the girls over the last few months instead of a rushed 30-45mins in the morning and another rushed 1-1.5hrs at night during pre-covid days
• For having the chance to spend more time with my plants. When I need a break sometimes I find myself walking to the balcony to have a look at them or to mist them or to groom them a little or just to observe new shoots coming out and new flower buds forming
• For the flexibility to cook my own lunches, take a nap in the afternoons, walk around or flop on the bed whenever I need a quick rest
• For the smooth operations we've had during the GE period so far. 

The K world

What to do? I married a man named K....hehe....

Abit 走火入魔 lol....when you discover that when....

• You get a shock/surprise, you don't mutter "wtf?" or "omg" or "wah lau?!" to yourself and instead the thought "gabjagi?!" springs into mind
• You wanna say "wow" or "sibei sart" but the expression "heol!" comes into mind...
• You are hungry or 嘴巴痒....and "baegeupa" pops up in your mind 
• You think to yourself "it's ok" and "gwaenchanha" appears on the tip of your tongue....

Potting around

Butterfly pea
The butterly pea plant cuttings (that K and I helped ourselves to from a random bush along the lorong outside our place) are doing pretty well. I put 3 onto a bottle of water and 3 straight into soil.

1 from the bottle developed a strong root system and I transplanted it into a pot yesterday. I hope it does well. 1 from the pot didn't seem the doing well and I removed it but the other 2 are still going strong. Hope they do well!

While out on a walk with the girls yesterday afternoon, I stopped by a bush and spotted numerous seed pods which were already ripe for the picking. I was glad they had not yet split open! For if they id, I wouldn't have been able to collect any seeds...;p  Helped myself to 2 seed pods which yielded a total of 13 seeds! Yay! Planted 6 of them into a pot. Hope they germinate properly!
I didn't nick them or soak them in water first though....so it will probably take a long time to germinate. 2? 3? 4 weeks?

Airplants
I can tell they are much happier at home than in the office. 2 of them have sprouted roots and grown more leaves. :) The brachycaulus is a little limp though. Not sure why. The rest are doing great!

Rose fairy
Packed my table the other day and came across a seed packet I forgot about. It'a pack of seeds from Horti, with the label "Rose fairy". Threw the seeds into a pot in end June. Hope they germinate well. Need to watch...I've never been successful at germinating seeds last time. Fingers crossed!!

Of walks, chickens and explorations

The girls requested to head out for a walk and visit the neighbourhood chickens yesterday afternoon. Our usual practice these days would be to arm ourselves with a small packet of grains to feed the chickens. Yesterday, we had rice, barley and millet. I skipped the bread this time round...

I'd have to say that Alyssa is definitely the spunkier, braver and more adventurous one out of the two. Despite her being the younger one. :) Nadya was hiding behind her half the time haha. Nadya has improved though, compared to before. There was one time when she stormed off in a huff and incessantly muttered under a hefty pout "I WANT TO GO HOME NOW!!" because she got embarrassed and frustrated at herself and her fears.

In fact, both have improved lah. :) Both used to hide behind me when the chickens are around. I Suddenly realised that both were in front of me yesterday haha. Yay...baby steps to developing their curiosities and courage.

I enjoy such walks with them.
(Though I get quite pek chek if they start squabbling non-stop with each other along the way.)

There's a particular route I take when I bring them to visit the chickens. Along the way, I'd point out different trees, flowers and plants to them. We "hunt" for wild mushrooms. We spy on the birds in the neighbourhood. We scream when we meet buzzing insects. We step on mimosas. The girls pluck wild flowers. We observe what dogs we pass by, if any.

I'd try to explain things to them, as much as my limited knowledge can handle.

"This is a butterfly pea plant. The flowers can be used to.....It's a creeper and can be considered an invasive plant.....Look! Seed pods!"
"This is a mango tree! You can tell by its leaves...."
"This is a water jasmine plant..."
"Those are sunbirds! Doves! Pigeons! Parakeets!"
"Snails! Those black stuff are their poop!"
"Mushrooms!"
"Touch-me-nots! Another name for this weed is "mimosa". See what happens when you touch the leaves..."
"Hibiscus! Byrophyllum! Snake grass! Snake plant! Lalang! Spanish moss! Sunflowers! Airplants! Pomegranate! Ixora! Boston fern! Bird's nest fern!...."
"These are the spores of the bird's nest fern. That's how they propagate....errr...propagate means...errrrr...."
"There's a moringa tree here! Did you know we can actually eat those pods? They taste good in curry....Popo used to cook them...you can try next time..."

Guilt & Disappointment

Quite guilty for making Alyssa feel disappointed.

We have a morning ritual where I peep out of the window and wave bye to her when she's at the carpark (when she leaves for school). And we'd give each other arm and finger heart signs too. I cherish these moments for they give me strength, and I think she hold these moments dear to her heart too.

Been even more scatter-brained in recent days and I was late to get to the window this morning. (had to speak with the helper on something). By the time I got there, K & her were in the car already. And he was slowly driving off. I was hoping she was craning her neck to see my window from the car (not even sure if she can see my from that angle)....and I was waving frantically from the window. :(

K later told me that she had waited for me and stalled getting in the car. When she finally got in reluctantly, he said she was leaning her head on the side of her car seat looking glum...and she told him "I miss Mama."

I was quite upset at botching this morning's ritual. :(
Was beating myself up over it actually...though I recognise that I need to snap out of it and can't let it bog me down too much.

I'm really sorry my baby girl....
I can only take comfort in that I gave you a big hug and kiss this morning and said my usual words to you to start the day (another ritual of ours). And that you chose this morning to voluntarily tell me 'I love you Mam!" after you put on your shoes....

Mama will do better next time baby girl...

Music

Deulgukhwa - That Only is My World
Kang San Eh - Like the Salmon Swimming Up the River
周深 - 大鱼
Hacken Lee - 月半小歌曲

Friday morning music accompanying me...these songs as well as their various cover and duet versions....some soul-healing time

Just realised. They're all non-English songs...:)

Lunch Lating

Lunch date with K later today...after several months of not doing so!

Going to TGS. Hope the plant shop next door is open too.
I definitely want to get their spanish moss since I don't know where else to get them. And possibly their asparagus fern too if it looks healthy enough and free of pests (though it is difficult to see with the naked eye).
I also want to get nice pots and other holders if they're not too expensive. I remember that shop carries rather atas stuff...hmm.
I don't recall them having airplants last time though I wonder if they brought in new stuff recently. Shopping for a Tillandsia Xerographica or a Tillandsia Streptophylla, if they're not too expensive hahha....I think one can cost up to $50...hmm...depends on the size too I guess...

Deulgukhwa

There was a period of time I was into slow rock, soft rock or similar genres.
I think I was in secondary school or JC, and I had Wu Bai playing non-stop, as well as Bon Jovi, Aerosmith, Beyond, Scorpions, Guns & Roses, Pearl Jam and I think Eagles featured quite abit as well since my brother had their album.

Spent some time listening to Deulgukhwa tonight. A Korean rock band from the 80s.
Jeon In Kwon is the only member left who's still performing. Salute siah. 65-yrs-old now and his lungs are still so powerful....eccentric guy but vocals quite "sart".

I knew about their song "Don't Worry My Dear" from awhile back and I listen to it from time to time. But I just discovered that their "That's Only My World" is really good too....

Work on yourself

"A stylist can put you in clothes that can mask your your physical insecurities or imperfections. Or you could just work out and then you'll look good even in a simple Tshirt and jeans."

- Shin Seung Hun
(as expressed on Master of the House, ep 120 Ballad Emperor)

In other words, you can dress up your work or yourself with fancy words or packaging to cover up any flaws...but that fluff won't last. Work on yourself and build up your character and capabilities. Build up strong values and those will all carry you though in life.

Snooze

Went to bed at 2:20pm and woke on my own at 15:40pm, about 10 mins before my alarm rang at 15:50pm.

Thankful that:
- it was a long uninterrupted sleep
- the weather was cool this afternoon and it helped alot
- I woke feeling more rested

Behind the scenes

The work that some of us are doing for the elections...
The preparation for the various scenarios and of backup plans and holding statements...

Feeling like the army..

Lots of planning and meticulous preparations for days for something that might happen...
But which has not and is highly unlikely to happen but...

Of course...never say never...

And that's what planning entails?
Covering all grounds and angles and prepping for most scenarios

Ramblings

And we're officially into the 2nd half of the year already.
Dang. Time passed really fast this year.

The days flew by real quick in April, May and the first half of June as there was HBL for both girls and daily work they had to do each morning.

I've kind of "forgotten" what I set out to do this year as everything was thrown out of whack.
Things have improved though they've not gone back to full normalcy.
Schedules will be adjusted again as enrichment classes resume and Nadya now has an extra ballet lesson each week because she's been promoted to a different grade already.
And Nadya has also requested to go for Art classes. Alyssa is neutral about Art classes but we think she may have a greater propensity for it actually. (Alyssa has interesting and quite well thought-out concepts for her drawings)

I should take some time out to think through again what I wanted to focus on this year.
And how I should/could tweak them now in this new environment. Especially when things might be changing on the workfront too...maybe in the next 6 months?....

Wednesday only?!

Losing track of days a little. Especially when you're working at night as well and on weekends haha.
I thought today's Thursday and only discovered it's Wednesday when I turned on my laptop.
Earlier on I took the probiotics from the Thursday slot in the pill box lol.
Laoniang ish blur liao...

Not just the sleep cycle that's been disrupted. Surviving on 4.5hrs of sleep and then a 45mins nap during the day.

But the various multi-tasking too. And sometimes, I'd be having 3 (or 4) conversations simultaneously.
One on Whatsapp on the HP Envy, one on Skype for Business on the Lenovo Thinkpad, and another one (or two) on normal Skype on the HP Envy.

Ganbatte!!

Yada yada

Yesterday was Day 1 of my 9pm to 1am daily night shift.
11 more days to go....till 10 July night i.e. Polling Day night.

Holding up well so far with 4.5hrs of sleep.
Will need a nap after lunch. To last for tonight's shift.

==========
Water Jasmine/Water Plum
Happy to see the Water Jasmine bloom alot for the last 2 weeks. The sad thing is that the blooms only last a day or 1.5days and then they wither and fall. There were 2 or 3 consecutive mornings and evenings when I cleared up to 30 wilted flowers each time...short-lived joy in that sense.

Trimmed a stray branch off yesterday. My first time pruning it a little. That branch has been extending its way out of the shape of the uppermost pad. So thought I'd trim it back a little. Stuck the small cutting into a patch of soil. Just for fun. If it survives and grows, then yay it's a big bonus! :)

No more yellowed leaves for the last 2 weeks. Happy to see that .Fed it with some organic compost last week. Tested it with just a little scoop. In case it starts protesting and the leaves turn yellow again lol....

Moss Rose
Moss rose is doing good with one bright pink bloom every other day. Trimmed off some old dried up stalks the other day. Hope it grows bushier again. Kinda scraggly now.

Baby Aloes
The girls' baby aloes are doing good and have turned a healthy green colour after 1 or 2 months of turning a dull grey-brown shade. I changed their soil mix and they've gotten so much healthier as a result.

Rose Fairy
I sowed some flower seeds 2 days ago. 迷你玫瑰 or Rose Fairy was indicated on the packet. Hope they yield something. I last tried sowing them last year and nothing came out of it...Practising my germination luck and skills before trying to sow the Water Jasmine seeds that I collected 1 month plus ago. ;p

Indian Borage
Trimmed off another 6-7 stalks 2-3 weeks ago. Passed it to my neighbour who sadly has not planted them even though he said he would...I think...the cuttings probably dried up and got chucked in a bin and have probably been incinerated by now...:(

Local pomegranate
Need to find time to trim off the many dead branches. Hoping it will get bushier...hopefully the rains over the last 2 weeks brought it some natural nutrients too...

==========
Slightly scratchy throat. With a slight itch.
Exacerbated by K and I gorging on severla mouthfuls of Mint chocolate gelato last night after the girls fell asleep...;p

Revisiting Winter Bear

Fell in love with this song last year when it was released. It's by BTS' V.
I generally don't like English songs sung by Korean artistes. Most have poor grammar and broken English and sometimes the lyrics don't make sense.

Winter Bear treads the grey line. The short lyrics are mush at times but the melody tugs at my heartstrings ALOT...so I'll tolerate the lyrics haha. Plus, the song somehow reminds me alot of my grandmother. And for that I'll love the song. :)

Lyrics below...

==========
Winter Bear - BTS V

She looks like a blue parrot
Would you come fly to me?
I want some good day, good day, good day
Good day, good day
Looks like a winter bear
You sleep so happily
I wish you good night, good night, good night
Good night, good night

Imagine your face
Say hello to me
Then all the bad days
They’re nothing to me
With you

Winter bear
Ooh, ooh, ooh
Sleep like a winter bear
Ooh, ooh, ooh
Sleep like a winter bear

Revisiting Epiphany

Early morning pick-me-up.
Listening to BTS Jin's Epiphany. I'd love to blast it if I could.
But I have a neighbour who would blast English pop songs to counter anyone who remotely tries to play music at a louder than usual volume.

Translated lyrics below.

==========
Epiphany - Jin

It's so odd, I loved you so much for sure
I adapted myself entirely to you, I wanted to live for you
But as I kept doing so, I became unable to bear the storm inside my heart
I got to fully reveal my true self under the smiling mask

I'm the one I should love in this world
The shining me, the precious soul of mine
I realize only now, so I love me
Even if it's a little lacking, it's so beautiful

I'm the one I should love
(Even if I'm shaking and afraid, I walk on forward)
(I meet the real you, whom I had hidden inside the hurricane)

Why did I, like this,
Want to hide away my precious self
What was I so afraid of
That I had to hide my true self

I'm the one I should love in this world
My shining self, my precious soul
I finally realise it So I love me
Though I'm not perfect, I'm so beautiful
I'm the one I should love

I might be a little bit blunt and inadequate
You might not be able to see such things as a shy sparkle
But the fact that this version of me is my real self
My arms and legs, heart and soul that I have lived with until now

I want to love them in this world
The shining me, the precious soul of mine
I realize only now, so I love me
Though I'm not perfect, I'm so beautiful

I'm the one I should love
I'm the one I should love
I'm the one I should love

Thoughts. Of Work.

Reminder to self.

• 别管太多他人的事。别管太多他人的是非。别管太多他人的对或错。做好自己的本分。做好自己该做的事。 就够了。除非，他人踩到了你范围之内，或踩到了你的脚，那就是时候抛头露面反驳他人了。
• Integrity. Ownership. Honesty. Pride. Authenticity. Sincerity. Responsibility. Willingness to help. --> while these may not get you moving fast, at least, you're doing things with conscience and honesty. And more importantly, 你对得起自己。
• Build alliances and a support network. Of people who share the same values and principles. Of people who are unafraid of putting the team's and others' interests before their own. Of people who have your back (and likewise, you have theirs).

Practising Chinese. I don't know if the words are right or wrong. But, so long as I understand. 

whiter than white

And so Ivan Lim has pulled out of the GE.
Poor guy...I feel for him.
Whether he's really arrogant and elitist and not a good guy is one thing.
But having your name and reputation dragged through the mud at a national level....is another matter.
And having your family members endure the stress of this public scrutiny...is also quite a burden to bear.

He's a young guy. His political career is as good as zilch already.
But I hope his future in the private sector won't be too affected by this incident.
People forget over time.

This whole fiasco reminds me of an ex-colleague....
Steven Tan, who was introduced by the PAP at the 2015 GE and who similarly had to withdraw himself from running....
Due to some allegations of his past behaviour.

Like what SP said to me earlier today...
To be a politician, you need to be whiter than white.
LOL....how true....

Emo, tired. Need to pick self up.

Emo week, haven't had a proper chance to sort out my thoughts and 整理一下心情.

Mon 22 Jun - dental appointment
Prepping myself for a possible extraction done on the day itself. Took up a fair bit of energy.

Tues 23 Jun - work
Things gearing up but still not too bad

Wed 24 Jun - morning rush, packed my stuff at the Tampines flat and Night work duties started
Mad rush in the morning. Cleared work then rushed out of the house in the midst of rain and an (almost) lift breakdown and a fiasco with the cab I booked...
Packed my stuff at the Tampines flat while on a 1.5hr work call.  A little sentimental about my old things but not too bad.
Did my monitoring work shift from 4pm to 12am

Thurs 25 Jun - closed case with Ellen and night work duties
Somewhat emo but not much time to deal with it. Just accept and move on.
Another night till 12am. Clearing media statements at 11-plus in the night.

Fri 26 Jun - saw the video the housing agent did up for the Tampines flat, received a bomb of a news that Mum was starting catechism classes on that night itself. 
When realisation hits. When things start becoming real. When things have been put into motion and the agent comes and takes photos and videos of the flat to post online in his property listings. Emo about it. My childhood home. From Jan 1986 till Jul 2012 when I shifted out. Many memories. Many firsts. Many crying sessions. Many dance sessions. Many spaced-out times. Many moments with myself. My own valued private space in my room.

Granny's old cupboard was still there on Wednesday. The cupboard that had been in the family for more than 40 years. I didn't get a chance to touch it or look at it when I was over at the house on Wednesday. I didn't know they were going to get the town council to get it and throw it away today. Many many memories of me sitting in front of that cupboard while Granny packed her things. Many memories of her explaining what those things were and who gave them to her or how she came to possess those items. The cupboard's gone now. Just like that. Maybe I am placing too much attachment on physical items. In a bid to retain those memories.

Bombshell came in the evening. When Mum said she was starting catechism classes that night itself. Big news that I was not aware of till the very last moment. To be exact, around 2 hrs before her class started.  Macham just a cursory gesture to let me know. Felt displaced, out of place, out of the picture.

Worked till 10-plus.

Of milestones

I closed my case with MPFSC yesterday afternoon.
In the midst of the work chaos, I carved out a space for my chat with Ellen.
It was our monthly phone chat since February earlier this year.
And yesterday's session was our last.

Mixed feelings.
There's the apprehension of one of the safety nets being pulled away.
And this little bird being left to fly on her own.
There's also the understanding that I can't drag it out too long for her and MPFSC.
There's also the understanding at the back of our minds that we cannot let this turn into a form of reliance.

K said this is a milstone.
I'm glad he gave me this perspective.
Because I didn't think of it this way.

It indeed is a milestone, isn't it?
A 15-month journey with Ellen, where she guided, supported and helped me.
And slowly left me to my own devices.
I'm thankful for the journey and for her being around.
18 sessions, of which the last 4 were just 30min or less than 30min chats.
It was a bittersweet bye that I said to her.

Forward
Onward
Keep going

Reminder

Headspace gave me this little nugget this morning:

"Ultimately, there is only one thing that creates tension: wanting things to be different than they are."

And this other nugget came was from yesterday:

"Before being able to let go of an emotion, we first need to be aware of the emotion."

11:15pm

Drafting and amending drawer media statements together with the comms team in case we kena any issue. At 11pm at night.

Laoniang is zombiefied. I started my day at 6:10am...and turned on both work PCs at 630am...

Just thankful that I took a 45-min nap in the morning and another 30-45min nap in the afternoon...

I hope tmr will be a non-event with zero prep and/or background work....

Mixed Feelings

K had a whole bunch of old clothes that he wanted to throw away.
Helper asked if she could have them instead. She might want some and those she didn't she would go ahead to throw.

And so...it has become that she took some of his old T-shirts and...is wearing them now.

A little strange lah....to see another woman wearing your husband's clothes....

Brings me some measure of discomfort but nevermind....
I guess....over time....laoniang will learn to dull this weird feeling...hmmm...

Hectic day

Somewhat hectic day.

• Morning rush to get the kids ready. 
• Cleared some emails and then rushed out in the heavy rain to head over to the Tampines flat. 
• Cleared an email and read a doc while in the cab. 
• Reached Tampines with 10mins to spare before my 10am meeting started. I felt 
• Participated in the 1.5hr call while concurrently packing some of my stuff and discarding other things. (Received feedback later on that I was clear-minded and made good points when I sought clarity and made suggestions on some of the processes and issues being discussed. That made me happy!
• Boss texted me after that to ask me to cancel my leave today since I already spent half a day clearing emails and being on the meeting. And that I would be on night duty this evening too.  Told me to take my time and pack my stuff in Tampines. Told me no need to rush home to continue work. Felt so thankful that he's so flexible and understanding. 
• Had a good breather during lunch when I sat down with Dad and ate together. Chatted with him and all. It was good and I felt happy. 
• Continued with abit more packing and then K came to help bring the stuff back home. 
• Reached home and put aside some boxes. (There're more in the carboot though...and 2 more big boxes still at Tampines)
• Managed to get an hour shut-eye in mid-afternoon though it was interrupted 3 times. Still thankful for it. 
• Continued working and spent some time discussing stuff in virtual meeting rooms. 
• Had dinner....and back to clearing some work and being on standby. 

It's 10pm...2 more hours to go...though I may get off slightly earlier....

Shack liao...

The big E lai liao....

And so...with this latest announcement...Things have been set into motion.
The wheels are turning...the spokes are cranking...the gears are shifting...

And laoniang...
Has to start night shift work from tomorrow onwards...

Of covert missions and operations...

I'm lucky though. Boss has very kindly placed me on the 4pm to 12am shift for this week and the 9pm to 1am shift for the week thereafter.
The guys are taking the 1am to 5am shift next week.

That said, the WA chatgroup will still be buzzing quite abit I think...
Laoniang will be panda-niang in the next 2-weeks plus....

Ganbatte....
This will be "national service"...

The weather

It rained everyday last week. Sometimes it started out hot, humid and sunny in the mornings, then started drizzling in the late afternoon.

The last 2-3 days though, it's been dark and gloomy. I'd say for maybe 90% of the day. And heavy rains start from 630am in the morning.

It's been cool (and cold too actually haha) and I kind of like it this way....more comfortable to stay home this way...and it makes me mellow and sentimental.

On the flip side, the weather's making my nose get stuffed up (and to have your nose get this way during this sensitive period isn't exactly good lol).

And it's making me feel like it's December WHICH MEANS....holiday mood.....WHICH MEANS....I feel like taking 2 weeks's leave to nuah at home....WHICH MEANS....I don't feel like working...WHICH MEANS....I just wanna sleep or do my hobbies all day....WHICH MEANS....I don't wanna earn my keep....WHICH MEANS....you get the drift....

And...my plants...oh my plants...There's only that much space in my balcony to play around with and with the number of pots I have, I can't shift them around too much also. So some pots are getting wayyyyy too much rainwater.....I hope they survive. I've not watered most plants for close to a week now. And I'm only giving the airplants a light cursory misting each morning as opposed to heavy misting twice a day when it's hot and sunny.

And the heavy rains are causing more and more pools of water to form here and there. Be it potholes on the roads, crevices on the sidewalks, small holes in the grass patches along the sidewalks, flower pot plates, etc...it even pools on random litter strewn on the ground. With the rise in dengue, it does bring me some concern.

==========
It's 730am on a Tuesday morning. 23 June 2020.
Raining cats and dogs (and cows and chickens) outside. I've started work already, before taking a short detour here...now I'm routing back...

Many things to settle today.
Icann stuff, 11am poly appt, 2pm Teams call with a Beijing-based registrar, 3pm call with a Malaysia-based registrar, 4pm call with DBS relationship manager....

Signing out from here....

Rant

When you don't do your job properly, and I point it out to you nicely, don't give me that attitude face. I did not scold you. In fact, you have been missing many spots in the house.

We have been relatively relaxed and don't impose many rules or restrictions on you. We don't check on you and give you the flexibility to handle the chores on your own schedule and ways.

But.

If there are dustballs in that particular area, it means that you have not cleaned that area for months. If there are brown spots on the soap dish, it means you have not cleaned that dish for months. If there are stains on an area, it means you have not cleaned that area for months.

So don't give me any attitude when I tell you to clean those areas.

You're allowed full access to whatever's in the fridge, freezer and food cupboards.
You get to enjoy a 3 to 3.5hr nap and quiet time each afternoon. We don't.
You don't even need to get up in the middle of the night if the kids wake.

Sigh.

Sheesh.

ganbatte!

Spent the last 1 hr plus or 2 hrs....helping S and D with each of their stuff.
Spent 3/4 of yesterday helping J out for the upcoming Board meeting because it's his first time handling and his partner L (who was supposed to guide him) is out of action these few days due to family matters...

Laoniang is superwoman....
Or should I say...
Laoniang is jack of all trades?
Or...
Laoniang is dope!

Lol....
Ganbatte......!

work

On the workfront...Several projects are hitting snags.

There's one long-drawn project which hit several administrative obstacles last year...and then now yet another major stumbling block. Sensitive as this involves an international not-for-profit organisation and certain diplomacies are "required". Sigh...

Another 3 or 4 which are somehow taking a long time to iron things out...you fix one bit and move on and then another hole appears that you need to patch or a spur appears that you need to pare down.

Ganbatte....ganbatte...ganbatte...

I want to tick things off my to-do list...I have done so for some stuff but these few things....aiyoh...irksome!!

Of Maths.....and.....oh well....

When you are doing HBL with your kid
When you are near her side when she is having a live session with her Math teacher
When you realise some of her classmates have already shouted out their answers and your kid is still staring at the sum and trying to calculate....
When you realise this doesn't happen for just one sum but seems to be a pattern across most sums

You start wondering which part of the bell curve is she at exactly, both within the class and within the cohort
You start wondering if you need to do more and if so, how
You start wondering if your kid (and you) can survive primary school in time to come
You start wondering how your younger kid will be like in 2 years' time

LOL....
piangzzzz

Ganbatte!

Tmr's the start of a new week.
It'll be a busy Monday, with a meeting starting at 8am. zzzzz.....Another conference call at 10am
And then the company townhall at 1130am.

A parent-teacher conference at 2pm.

And a discussion that might happen but not confirmed yet.

And I would really like to head out for a walk. I've not done so for the last 3 evenings. It rained everytime! I hope it happens tomorrow. There's a barrier I'd like to cross. A barrier that is both psychological and physical.

==============
A team meeting at 9am (and likely till 12pm) on Tuesday morning.
A webinar at 12:45pm on Wednesday.
A potential dispute case that might go to the courts.
A tricky situation with an international partner....

==============
May the week go well enough!
Ganbatte!!!

Plant time

Spruce-up time
Spent some time in the main balcony today. With a little helper in tow. Nana.

Got her to do the simple stuff like picking up dead/dried leaves from the floor, and picking them up (with a gardening tweezer) from within the pots. Took the opportunity to teach her some stuff about the Byrophyllum plants we have, and how they produce their little baby plants. And showed her the leaf patterns of the Indian Borage, and she helped to point out dead leaves on plants so I could remove them.

It was fun for me doing this with her and I hope she had fun too.

She said to me "I wish we could have our own garden".
Yes, sweetie. I'd like a garden of my own too....but it's unlikely to happen...so we'll just have fun in our balconies haha...:)

Byrophyllum
Aside from the 2 small pots of baby aloe vera that the girls have, they now also have 2 tiny pots of byrophyllum as well. Planted them this evening. :)

I prepared the soil and pots and the girls placed the babies into the pots themselves. It's a very easy plant to care for and the plantlets root damn easily. You really don't have to do much at all. Just give them enough moisture that's all.

I've currently 2 or 3 pots of this....well 5 if you include the girls' pots. I've thrown away many many small babies...and I would probably have maybe 50 pots of this plant now (or more) if I'd bothered to salvage and plant all those plantlets. It's probably the only succulent that the klutzy me can handle lol....

p/s: just found out this evening while reading up some stuff on the Internet, that the Byrophyllum is also known as the Mother of Thousands or the Kalanchoe or the Devil's Backbone.

Moss Rose
This little lady is a sassy one with attitude. She's bounced back beautifully from her battle with the mealybugs. New shoots appear every other day and she's also grown long and tall new stalks. Tall because they reach out for the sun. Quite cute to see those stalks like this.

Since that day when a lone pink flower finally bloomed, she's been blessing me with one small but bright pink flower every 2 days or so. It's a far cry from the early days when she first came to me though. Back then, she'd bloom like 6-10 flowers each day...easily. Still, I'm happy that she's progressed well, compared to just 1 or 2 months ago when she was ravaged by those damn bugs.

Japanese bamboo
It is shedding less now, but still looks a little shaky. I hope no more leaves turn yellow or drop anymore. I didn't do much to this fella, except to shift its location from the main balcony to my own balcony. And it's placed in a shadier area with no direct sun. It's still in its pot. I decided against re-potting it. Didn't want to stress it further. Relocation can already bring stress to a plant. If I repot it as well, skali it gets more stressed.

Good thing is that its tallest and main stalk has a new leaf unfurling at its tip.
Will keep this fella under close watch and see how....

Ficus Ginseng
The original one I had in the normal pot recently started shedding. I don't know why...:(
It went almost botak a year back. And then it slowly started growing new leaves a few months back. Though it never got back to its original state and was rather sparse. I was still happy but then now it's started shedding again. Leaves turned yellow and kept dropping...Didn't really spot many new shoots too so...I'm just wondering what to do with it.

The ficus ginseng in the green bonsai pot is doing ok....an occasional leaf turns yellow and falls off but so far it seems ok. I see some new shoots coming out so I'm hopeful...

Water Plum
This lady...has sprouted many new shoots and I spotted many new bunches of flower buds or at least the beginnings of what would become new clumps of flower buds. I hope many many new leaves spring up soon. To replace the sudden leaf dropping episode last week...I'd never seen that many leaves drop from this lady before...It scared me a little and I was hoping she wouldn't go botak on me.

Anyway, I've not figured out what to do with the bunch of seeds that I'd collected from the 2 seed pods a few weeks ago. Hmm....my balcony doesn't attract any pollinators at all (being on the 4th floor, and less accessible to bees and insects? haha...) so even if I have flowers blooming regularly from this plant, it is unlikely I will ever get any of them pollinated and produce seed pods later on.

Local pomegranate
This old lady...is going strong, although she constantly looks like she's half gone, in recent weeks, she started sprouting new shoots and new leaves. Perhaps it's due to me fertilising her soil or due to the recent rains bringing more minerals and nutrients to her. But I noticed several areas where new leaves and branches forming. That's good...:)

Only thing is, she also has many many dead branches. I've tried trimming them off but there're just too many of them....I'll just leave her be...again. She seems resilient enough to weather most difficulties herself. ;p

Birdspeak

Just a random thought of thankfulness.

There's a wide species of birds residing in my area. At least to the layman me, I feel there's really many different birdies here.

Growing up, I only ever saw sparrows and mynahs. For some reason, in the past few years here in Telok Kurau, and especially in the past 3 months when I've been home all the time, I've discovered so many different birdies here!

Many parakeets around - blue ones, green ones, yellow ones.
Orioles too...yellow and black ones...I googled and I think they're called Black-Naped Orioles.
Hornbills and koels too...though koels seem to be around lesser these days.

Went for a walk yesterday and saw many sunbirds (I think they are sunbirds) congregating in a clump of bushes...playing around and darting about with each other...

And of course, the ubiquitous sparrows and mynahs and pigeons and doves....

And should I include the neighbourhood chickens too? haha....there's a family of at least 6 roosters 6 hens and maybe 3-4 younger ones hanging around about 500m from our house...

Listening to all the birds chirping each morning has been quite the luxury...:)
Brings more depth and cheer to the environment....

Support

It's important who your co-workers are.

We are a small team of 12-13 pax. At least 2 irk me. I used to think maybe our 八字 don't match...till I discovered that others in the team face the same frustration (or more) when dealing with these 2.

Still, I am very thankful I have the rest of the team whom I can get along with. And amongst these are a couple whom I am quite close to and have come to rely on both as friends and as colleagues.

I refer to them as my pillars in the team...for shelter, for support, for strength, for companionship, for comradeship, for fun, for laughter, for peace, for joy..

Here's to ST, DC and LH and to a lesser extent, SP and Mas as well....
Thank you!

Music

Music days are back, at least for this week...
Back to immersing myself in Chinese songs, every since I listened to mini live broadcast Sun Yan Zi had on Tuesday night.

Folks accompanying me these 2 days:

Wang Feng
Zhou Shen
Sun Yan Zi
Hacken Lee
GEM
David Tao
Tanya
JJ
Beyond
MayDay

A good mix of singers from mainland China, HK, Taiwan and of course....Singapore.

Gaining strength from music. :)

Fighting! Hae su-iss-eo!

It was a long day yesterday. Feeling a little out of gas today...the oven-like temperature these few days is not helping too.

Started work at 7-ish yesterday and lasted till 8-plus at night, due to an exercise that I was involved in.
Had to then nag at and help Nadya to pack her bag for school today, and tend to Alyssa when she sought my attention....by the time I got out the shower, it was 9-plus and I felt quite zapped out.

Nevertheless..fighting for today!

Tummy

Oh that sour acidic feeling in your tummy the moment you wake.
That breathlessness that it sometimes causes.
That chest discomfort that it sometimes brings.
That tightness in the upper gut.
And even that middle back ache.

Tummy...争气一点!
Get well soon pls!

Is the milo at night making you worse? If so....I'll skip it even though it brings me much warmth and comfort....

Did the apples bring more acid to you? If so, I'll skip them too....

Do you want more water? If so...I'll drink more today....

Feeding you with toast this morning...it's been said that toast helps with diarrhoea and other stomach discomfort....

Get well soon ok....

How Time Flies

We're into June already.
Time seems to pass faster as each year goes by.
And yep, I say this every year.
The days are long sometimes, but the years are short.
Still learning how to be more positive, manage myself and keep going.
Doing better.
Slowly but surely.
Yeah!

Tummy woes

Friday evening, I had too much for dinner. I could feel some discomfort in the gut. That unmistakable feeling of bloatedness and indigestion. I could only have my own greediness to blame.

Saturday, our usual ordering-in day. Domino's pizza. That did me in...
I've not taken pizza for a meal for a long time. Even during National Day last year when we last ordered it, I remember taking very little of it. I took 2 slices for Saturday's lunch. The cheese was probably too much for me.

Chui after that.

This constant discomfort in the gut, and slight diarrhoea. And other symptoms which have not appeared for a long time, including bitterness in the mouth (from the acid), and more difficulty swallowing (like there's something extra in the throat/oesophagus).

I'm thankful though that it's not a bad case. The niggling nagging discomfort and tightness in the upper gut is till somewhat manageable. It's Day 3...hope it goes away soon....

Of songs...and little girls

Been letting the girls listen to some songs recently...and getting them acquainted with oldies (but goodies) and other newer (but still as classic) songs :)

Amongst them:

• Goodnight Sweetheart Goodnight - The Spanials
• Yakety Yak - The Coasters
• Fly Me to the Moon - Frank Sinatra
• Lollipop - The Chordettes
• 温柔 - 五月天

What's up next?

Beyond The Sea - Bobby Darin

And other good stuff by Frank Sinatra, Nat King Cole, some Tom Jones and Engelbert Humperdinck maybe?

Mixed Feelings

Glad
That the girls are in school, getting social interaction with their peers and learning in a proper environment under the guidance of trained teachers and not this pseudo Mama-attempting-to-be-a-teacher-while-half-distracted-by-work person.

Half-worried
The virus is still out there and veiled in some asymptomatic carriers. Of course it's worrying. At the back of my mind, there's a niggling thought there. And I believe most parents have this thought as well. We can only keep our fingers crossed. Some parents seem to be intent on keeping their kids at home and home-schooling them for the time being. Can't say it's right or wrong. I can only remind the girls not to touch their faces, and to stay clean and sanitise or wash their hands regularly. But kids being kids, they may say "ok" now...and then forget about it 5mins later.

Glad
That I can work or take a break in peace now and not get distracted by not-so-tiny voices seeking my attention, or their shenanigans..

Half-Emo
Yeah, part of me is glad they are out of the house. And the other half of me is missing them. Missing their hugs and kisses and affections and mischievious grins and pretty smiles. Oh, the irony.

Birdie

Recently, a black and yellow bird has been visiting my balcony. Ever since I hung up a bunch of erm....half dead Spanish moss near the balcony railing. Not the living room balcony but the one at my room. I've seen that bird 3 times now in the past week. I hope it visits us again. Not sure what it is, an oriole? But when I Googled, it looks a little different from the black-naped oriole that is common in Singapore.

Share with K an idea I had and he said he thought about it before as well. I was thinking of getting a bird-feeder and hanging it from our balcony. To feed whatever birds that come visit us. We've had some sparrows and mynahs swing by as well, though very rarely.

There are cheap ones on Shopee...i might buy one soon....:)

Oh my plants...

Sigh...my plants...it's either one or the other who will give me a headache.

Miss Water Plum is now suddenly protesting and many leaves are turning yellow. Just when I thought I did a good job of nursing it back to health after the mealybug infestation. Maybe I shouldn't have put fertiliser on it. Maybe I shouldn't have sprayed it with the organic insecticide last week.

So which caused the yellowing leaves? The insecticide? The fertiliser?

Sigh...see how it goes.....

Moss Rose! One flower finally bloomed! I was so happy this morning when I saw that lone pink bud appeared. After 3 months of fighting against the mealybugs and trimming it almost bare...it started sprouting new buds and shoots a few weeks ago and over the past week experienced a growth spurt after the heavy rains...Grow well please! And may more flowers bloom!

Japanese Bamboo
This fella is still not doing well. leaves are dropping left, right and centre. It looks really bare now. Could be root rot.....cos I plucked out a stem just now....and it came off easily...
I need to find time to repot it....hopefully that solves the issue....

I need to find time to trim the main Indian Borage plant too and pass to our neighbour....

........

When you are still plagued by doubts, uncertainties and worries.
It is strange. I was worried too about making big chances when I was younger but I guess stakes were lower then with no commitments (except to self). My worries were not so great and my adrenalin and bravado (or foolhardiness) was much higher then. I was also more carefree and just went with the flow. I didn't hem and haw so much...

Stakes are higher now? With kids, with own age and health to consider, etc.

I think I am just muddling myself up.
Again.

Ruminating

Presented with an opportunity.
For the first time in a very long while.
Maybe 7-8yrs.
Hesitating.
Dilemma.
Can I handle it?
Do I want to remain status quo?
Am I brave and strong enough?

When in doubt, draw

I feel you

https://www.koreaboo.com/stories/seventeen-scoups-breaks-opening-anxiety/

"I hated myself so much at that time."
"...I thought I should hold on until I can push the limit."
"....as that anxiety increased, I felt more uneasy and scared."
"It's continued for a long time, longer than you would think."
- S.Coups


Even though I don't you personally, I feel you. And whatever you said in that article resonated with me alot. I didn't hate myself that much I think. I spent more time trying to calm the storm & gales within me.

I hope you're feeling better after your hiatus. You know yourself best. There's a reason why there's the phrase "being self-aware". If you need to take a break again, please do so. A breather goes a long way, even if it's a short one.

Burst. Of happiness.

When your table and new table lamp have arrived. From Lazada and Shopee.
And you’re happy and thankful to finally have a desk of your own.

When what’s been bothering you has lifted.
And you’re happy and thankful things are so.

When you had a good session reconnecting with some colleagues online.
And you’re happy and thankful they have your back at work.

You draw. :)

random

Japanese bamboo is really not doing well. Many stalks are turning yellow.
Not sure why...root rot?

Need to repot the girls' aloes as well...they are turning brown and grey and generally not doing well, unlike all my other aloes. Maybe the soil mix I did wasn't good...too much coco coir inside maybe and not enough potting soil...

Reminding myself that next time, I will not get another foxtail fern anymore...Their leaves shed like crazy...and each leaf is a thin strand of 0.5mm thick and maybe 1cm long...constant sweeping needed lol....

Waiting, anticipating, hoping for the moss rose to bloom again...there are big buds but they don't seem to bloom and sometimes end up drying up....:( damn those bugs....

==========
left cheek, left gums.
the swelling has gone down quite abit.
but there is still residual swelling.
it's day 5.
hope it goes away fully soon.
i really do need to do something about those wisdom teeth.
sigh.

==========
有时候觉得这家没有真正属于我的空间
上厕所有时都有人敲门要你
晚上要画画写字也不知可去哪里
有时只想一个人静静的躲在一旁听歌或做东西
 自己陪自己

Bugs

Discovered 2 mealybugs on the Water Plum this morning. Maybe I should switch to calling it the Water Jasmine instead as it seems to be the more commonly known name.

Guess I’ve not managed to fully eradicate the bugs. NB. #%}]>&$?!;@¥£^#!!!

My organic fertilizer was delivered yesterday. Will give the plant a good spray later this evening.
And will try to give the plant a good look over before that and pluck off whatever bug I can find.

War has started again.
Bah, just when I thought it was over.

Tenant no more

Just when the girls decided to name the caterpillar on my pomegranate plant Catty, it decided to kaput on us.

On Thursday morning, we noticed that it was hanging by its back legs from a branch. We thought it was getting ready to spin a cocoon. By evening, it was in the same position and nothing seemed to have changed.

Friday, it was still in the same position, nothing had changed except that it looked like it was drying up. I knew it had died but not sure why. Half of me was still wondering if this was part of the metamorphosis stage. But by Saturday morning, we confirmed it had died lah. As it was really drying up and was still in the same position.

We removed it from the plant and threw it away.

Bye Catty..May you get the chance to turn into beautiful butterfly in your next life.

Record-breaking

There was a record number of deliveries to our house today lol.

1. Airplants came (disappointing but I’ll leave the story for another day)
2. Salmon from Apollo Marine
3. One of K’s packages
4. Potting soil and organic insecticide from Greenspade
5. Surprise Aroma truffle chips from Ally!
6. My desk (Yes finally!! I’ll have a proper desk of my own!!)
7. Dinner lol

Our doorbell rang quite abit today and even Alyssa asked, “Mama, why today so many people ring our doorbell?” Haha...

CB - the good

Trying to keep my spirits up and be thankful...So listing down the good stuff that the Circuit Breaker has brought about to me & the family...

1. The girls have both been getting more physical time out of the house compared to before the CB. (Yes, what an irony) They've been going down at 4 or 5-plus in the afternoon each day to run around or to ride their bikes or skate scooters. 
2. The girls have both learnt how to ride on a bicycle! And within a month too..they are now stable enough to even go on the park connector and ride around 1-2km. 
3. The girls have not been slacking in terms of their work and studies. Although sometimes it is quite pek chek getting them to do their work. 
4. The girls have been reading books (or at least flipping through books) each day now. 
5. Nadya can bathe herself fully (except that she sometimes doesn't shampoo her hair thoroughly enough) and she can help to bathe or supervise Alyssa during bathtime too! 
6. We've been having more home-cooked food! And at the same time, we've also been trying out different types of outside food too, because for 2 days a week, we order in, instead of cooking. Just to add some variety to our lives. :)
7. We, or at least K, has been trying out some baking recipes.
8. I've been getting more time in the open as well, compared to when I had to go to the office. Talking walks each day or every other day. Short slow walks but better than nothing.... 
9. I've always wanted to have a WFH arrangement so this in a way..is like a mini wish come true for me. 
10. Took the opportunity during this WFH time to completely wean myself off Omeprazole. It's been 2 months since I stopped. Yay..!
11. I've also been able to spend more time to tend to my plants (and fight the bugs that recently came to disturb some plants).

Breathe

I usually fall asleep pretty quick. Unless the girls disturb me.

But this week, since Monday I think, my mind keeps running for more than 30mins...sometimes maybe 45mins before I manage to fall asleep.

Doesn't help that K wakes up at 6-ish each day and then I get woken up as well.

Feeling quite drained this week. Tummy acting up on several days, bottom left gum acting up as well.

Trying to do work but either the girls or ops issues keep cropping up and interrupting me.

Jiayou...
Head high...trudge on.

Tenant has reappeared!

We made a mistake! The tenant is still around!
Mr Caterpillar must have been super duper camouflaged when we tried looking for him the previous afternoon.

Alyssa found him again yesterday afternoon haha. Hanging from a branch that he's often on. WE're glad the rains 2 night ago didn't sweep him off his perch on the plant.
When we checked yesterday evening, he was still around, but on a different branch, basking in the evening sun amongst a bunch of leaves.

He doesn't look any bigger than before though. Thought they were supposed to gorge themselves then hibernate in their cocoon while they metamorphosise?

p/s: we really don't know if Mr Caterpillar is a guy or girl...I gave it a gender and called him Mister. :) The girls wanted to name him but....couldn't agree on one...yet.

Tenant

We had a new tenant.

3 days ago I discovered a brown caterpillar on my pomegranate plant. It was about an inch long and maybe less than a cm wide. Almost missed it if not for the fact that it was clinging on to a branch in a curved position.

I didn’t know whether it was alive or if it was just some weird branch at first. It was only a day later that I confirmed it was a live insect when it changed positions and went to a different branch. I’d never actually seen it move though. Would have been interesting to catch it in action.

Nadya, being the scaredy cat, refused to take a look at it. Alyssa, the younger but more garang one, was very curious and went up close to get a good view of it. She was also actively monitoring it and announced to me this morning that “the caterpillar is till there!”

Alas, when I went to check on it this afternoon, it was no longer there. Helper couldn’t find it either. Alyssa couldn’t too.

Tenant no more.

We were still hoping it would form a cocoon and eventually turn into a butterfly.
Oh well...it was still a nice experience for us. :)

Buy!

Laoniang...went on a “spree” today...
And bought gardening stuff online from various retailers...
Coupled with the airplants I bought 2 weeks ago (which have not arrived)....and the aluminum wire to make airplant holders (which have already arrived)
That makes it maybe $70-$80 worth of stuff?

Ok lah. Could have been more...;p

The spoils today?
- Mini tool set including cutters, widger, rake, pincers, shovel, etc
- 3 packs of potting soil (trying out the brand Greenspade, hope it’s better than OGL)
- Butterfly pea seeds (if these don’t germinate at all, then I’ll just be very busy paiseh and snip off those found along the Lorong outside my place...even though I think they belong to someone..)
- Gardening mat (been wanting one!)

La Mouton Douce

This blog is 15yrs old.
Gosh, it's like my eldest child. My eldest daughter. Who has been with me through thick and thin and witnessed the various trials and tribulations and happy moments in my life. Mouton has been with me even before K appeared in my life.

Suddenly realised that in the midst of all comings and goings, this little mouton has been a constant through it all....unwavering.

Thank you for being there all this while.
Thank you for listening without judging.
Thank you for being that constant and not asking anything of me.
And thank you for holding all of my moments and memories in one big weave, even if I have forgotten many of the threads within.

Conversation with a 4.5yr old

Today, while I was hugging her and tucking her in for her afternoon nap.

A: Mama, always when I sit alone then I feel like crying. The water droplets are heavy and feel like they are going to fall.
Me: Huh why? You mean you feel this way at home or in school last time?
A: At home and in school. Because nobody has time for me. Nobody wants to be with me. Nobody play with me. Then I feel sad and I want to cry.


My sweet, sensitive and emphathetic baby...

K & I are working from home. Nadya has her Zoom sessions with her student care service centre. Helper is sometimes handling must-do chores and cooking meals. So Peanut's left alone to loiter around the house...

Sigh...Mum guilt.

Of flowers and ....parenting

The previous night, I drew flowers for Alyssa and she coloured them. 

Last night, Alyssa requested me to draw a garden of flowers for her again. 

And emphasised that she wanted them completely plain so she could fill them in with colours and decorations. She then ran off while I was drawing and never did come back to colour them.

Except to glance at the drawing and say "Good job Mama! So pretty!"

zzzzz I ended up colouring them myself....

Wishlist

I think I had a wishlist of things that I wanted to do...or something like that..written last year...
This time round, it's a wishlist of furniture, equipment and tools that I wanna get, assuming that $$ and cost and storage space are of no issue hahaha....

• Dyson vacumn cleaner - yeah, the pretty handheld ones used in K-dramas cos I am superficial like that LOL
• Dyson fan - same reason...chio
• Standing garment steamer

• Hair styling set - I'm a low maintenance lady actually, I don't do such things on a daily basis so this is just for those rare occasions when I have a special event to attend
• IPL tool/machine - no explanation needed....

• Proper oven - for baking, roasting, cooking, etc (not sure though about the pros and cons between a conventional oven and a convection oven
• A nice and proper full set of dinnerware - with main & side plates, pretty cutlery and matching table runners and table mats
• Breadmaker
• Kitchenaid - for all that mixing and kneading and dough-making and pastry-making
• Steamboat pot & portable stove for it & accompanying steamboat ladles
• Smokeless grill
• Bruno! Or Ninja Foodi multi-cooker?

• Treadmill - for well....erm...exercise?
• Stationary bike - for.....hmm...

• A garden trellis and other similar stuff (mini gazebo?) - so that I can hang airplants and grow ferns and vines and creepers like money plant, tomatoes, butterfly pea and grapes!! 
• A walk-in storage garden shed, or a large shelf to store all such tools - with enough shelving to segregate between wet/damp and dry materials, and to segregate between the regular gardening stuff and terrarium stuff. 
• A small garden - ok, I know this is not considered a tool, equipment or furniture lol...

• A bunk bed for the girls
• A bigger wardrobe and storage where all my clothes and bags can be kept in the same place

Plants

Moss rose

Happy to see new shoots growing each day. There are 2-3 strong shoots that have grown in height and length. Even happier to see new flower buds forming! Yes!! Mossie and I are defeating the mealybugs! But we won't rest till the flowers bloom again...:) Looking forward to that day!

The small offshoot in the pink pot is still not showing any signs of flowering though. Wonder why....

Japanese Bamboo (Dracaena Surculosa)

This little fella was doing so well over the last 8 to 10 months after I repotted it. Many new shoots sprouted and new leaves formed. But in the last 1-2 weeks, a few stalks of leaves suddenly started turning yellow. Those leaves then dried up and dropped off too...:( 

There was a leaf that had a big white spot in the middle. Not sure what that means yet. Will try to find some time to google. I like this fella alot and hope it gets well and strong again.

Food plans...

I tried something different for our meal yesterday. Thought to switch things up a little and have aglio olio as out main instead.

Laoniang didn't plan properly. Sigh.

We ran out of mushrooms so we only had mushrooms for lunch but none for dinner. I initially wanted to have scrambled eggs as sides but we only had 2 eggs left so we couldn't use eggs at all.  We just ended up frying sausages and hashbrowns to go with the pasta. And some cabbage soup.
Dinner was worse because we ran out of hashbrowns and sausages so I told the helper to just use up all the frozen fish fingers, fry some luncheon meat with tau kwa and throw whatever remaining frozen meatballs we had into the remaining soup.

So last night was a meal high in processed food.

It's been awhile since I had a meal like that. While the meal was ok and sufficiently tasty (cos salty mah haha)...I felt a little "jer lak" after that. My stomach was a little bloated but manageable.

But I woke this morning with a puffier than usual face (cos salt does that to you) and a bad stomach...Could feel the acid swirling around in side...gosh...I hope I poo soon so I get rid of whatever's in me....and I'd better drink more water to flush things out....

==========
Today's Wednesday. Our order-in day.

Mac for lunch and The Garden Slug for dinner.

TGS is our evergreen go-to place when we can't think of anything else. Consistent and though slightly oily, their food somehow is still easier on the stomach and doesn't cause any bloating or indigestion for us! No "jer lak" feeling too...We've been having TGS every week since CB began haha...And prior to that we visit their outlet at least 1-2 times a month and sometimes more....:)

Reminders to Self

• Don't let someone else affect your level of happiness. You're in control of your own state of mind and being. 
• 做好自己的本分，别管他人。Unless they step on your tail or in your turf of course. 
• Pick your battles. Might feel good to "win" trivial stuff. But that's just petty stuff. 要赢就来个大胜. Sometimes, it's ok to back away while still keeping your head high. 
• Ask and clarify if needed. Even if it means digging further and irritating others. For knowing more is also key to understanding more. 
• Don't let your ego get inflated. Don't get arrogant. Don't get 头大. 
• Don't be afraid too of stating your stand. 

Wrightia Religiosa aka Water Plum aka Water Jasmine aka Shui Mei aka 水梅

This fella chose a special day to gift something to me.

It came to me more than 6 months ago, in early October 2019. I don't think FIL meant it as a birthday present when he gave that pot to me but I treated it as one haha. Seed pods appeared a few weeks later and I was elated!

They grew over 2-3 months and looked like wishbones. I spent the time waiting and anticipating. I tried reading up online on how long it would take for the seed pods to mature and burst open. But I never really found an answer.

And so I kept on waiting.

 A month ago, one pod started changing colour ever so slightly. It turned a little brown. I was worried it was drying up or was affected by the bout of mealybug infection a few weeks ago. I wrapped a ziploc bag around the seed pods just to be safe. I didn't know what the hell I was doing actually haha.

Then a week ago, the heavy rains actually caused the bag to fall off. The seed pods remained intact on the plant. I put the bag back on.

And then a few days ago, the seed pad that was slightly brown split open very slightly. I was a noob water plum owner and didn't know if that meant the seed pod was about to burst open soon and spread its seeds all around...or was that just the seed pod dying from dehydration.

I kept the bag on.

And then...miracuously...on Sunday 10 May akak Mother's Day...I woke in the morning and for some reason, I stepped out onto the balcony after washing up. And I saw that...

Both seed pods had burst open!

Probably the night before or at dawn. Seeds with fluffy white hairs were collected in the ziploc bag! Yay! My plan had worked!

I'll keep some for myself and pass some to my FIL. He's good at germinating seeds...:)

The Tillandsias - airplants

Tillandsia Caput Medusae
This little fella's faring very well and showing obvious signs of growth. Seems like taking this one out to the balcony did it a lot of good. It's greener and more vibrant and it's strands are curling much around much more now. Yay! Hope it grows more and branches out more! Till it really looks like Medusa's head!

Tillandsia Ionantha
I only know it's an ionantha but not sure of the sub-species... This one looks totally like a pineapple's top. It seems to be doing ok and growing...I think. Growing very very slowly. Still about the same size. And one leaf seems to have gotten a little rotten...:( but the rest are still fine.

Tillandisa Brachycaulos
This one had the most potential last time and I was elated when it started growing roots last year...but then it grew stagnant and some tips were browning. After shifting this one to the balcony, I still can't tell if it's doing better or not...still seems to be stagnant. See how this one goes.....

The Coll

Questioned her staff about an inconsistency in their department's processes.
Why the double-standard on the stringent checks done on others and such lax processes within their own team?

The staff kept silent. For 2 weeks.

Laoniang keeps track one ok. You can say I 咬死不放, even if it's a trivial and small thing.
It's the principle behind it and the mentality behind it that 我看不爽.

Sent a chaser today asking for a response to my query.
One staff replied, with rubbish irrelevant info.
The Coll responded and told me to ignore that staff's info and she herself gave me other irrelevant info.

咬死不放.
I questioned her again.
And she went silent on me.

Everytime like that. When she knows she is fighting a losing battle, she ignores and stays silent.
Nabeh. %&$^#%

Of bakes and...om nom nom

We've been baking banana bread 4 days in a row....

Day 1 - test bake, which turned out a little burnt on the bottom but was still relatively nice...
Day 2 - baked for the Chias, they were the ones who gave us the bunch of bananas...
Day 3 - baked for K's family, for Mother's Day...delivered over to Kembangan...
Day 4 - i.e. today...baked for my family, for Mother's Day and delivered over to Pasir Ris...

We still have a bunch of bananas left...Pisang Merah...
Not sure how we'll settle those...we'll prolly bake another banana cake again...lol...

==========
I still have 4 sheets of frozen puff pastry left.

Hope to do a proper sausage roll tomorrow if I have the time. I hope they do puff up properly!!

==========
We still have plain flour and potato flour and bread flour and yeast and baking powder and baking soda and blocks of butter and icing sugar and salted caramel chips and chocolate chips...and.....

I wanna make more of the salted caramel tarts I did 2-3 weeks ago and I wanna try making soft buns and pizza too...but...有心无力 lol...

Limbo. To-Do. Striking off.

Many work things are in limbo at the moment.
Things I want to get a hold on and finish up but can't seem to.
Projects big or small that I want to wrap up and move on from, but can't seem to.
And it's due to others e.g. the other party going MIA on me, or my boss not responding not me.
Or things are too complicated everyone is losing steam, or things that need to be done but have low priority but still need to be done and are eclipsed by other higher priority matters.

And so these work items end up still camping on my to-do list. More and more such stuff.
It's annoying when I cannot strike them off and move on fully to other things.
Because I cannot continue with these items, I have to start on other items.
And then I end up having many half-cooked items on the list.
There are things that have been squatting in my to-do list for 1.5yrs.
My list is turning into a slum.

And I'm hesitant and procrastinating on starting other items for FY20.
Because I don't the list to grow too large that I end up losing sight of stuff.

Rants. Rants.
Drats.

Resonation

"Anxiety and loneliness seem to be with me for life. I put alot of meaning on how I would work it out, but it seems like I have to study it for my entire life."

- Suga, BTS

6 May 20

Day 30 of the Circuit Breaker.
Wow, time passed so fast. Sunrise. Sunset. Ping! Another new day.

Mixed feelings.

Love that I'm getting more time with the kids and getting them to learn, and understanding where they are at in terms of their academic capabilities. On the other hand, they drive me nuts sometimes with their bickering and them not giving me space (to do my own stuff or sit with my own thoughts) even when I ask for some.

I love it that I'm working from home. No need to wake early to get prepped. No mad rush in the mornings to get the kids and myself ready. No time "wasted" on commute. More time for sleep...:) More flexibility. And of course, working from home means having more home-cooked food, which is good for my stomach...I don't like the juggling though haha. Sometimes there's too much of it. The constant need to switch the mind between work and home duties and teacher duties and child minding duties and other duties like responding to friends or colleagues who have reached out and checking in parents and in-laws...The lines blur too much and each aspect of life osmosizes together and then it becomes one big messy pool. I'd also bring the girls down for their daily outdoor time at 4-plus and then when I come home, I'd be clearing some more work, if needed, at 5-plus and 6-plus and/or 7-plus. Sometimes if there's no time....work will still be done at 9-plus.

Love it that I'm eating at home. Somehow feel more comfortable doing so. And getting to try outside food for 2 days a week when we order in for some variety. At times though haha...we aren't sure or run out of ideas on what to order. And then some monotony sets in.

Will CB be extended again? I don't know really...I forsaw the first extension. I'm leaning toward another extension at the moment. Let's see what the G says in time to come. Community cases are still not low enough...

Conversations with a 4.5yr old

This morning.

A: Mama! Here you go. For you!
Me: *reaches out my hand*
A: *drops a little piece of something onto my palm"
Me: What's this???!!!
A: My eyewax! Just for you! *big grin*

sigh.....lol.

==========
This is a little exchange we have sometimes.

Me: I love you alot alot alot alot alot alot alot!! You love me too?
A: Ya! I love you this big!! *stretches out her arms the widest possible*

Still gets me feeling warm and fuzzy each time, no matter how many times she does it.

Crumbs

Monday morning. The daily grind starts again!
WFH + HBL
A little rusty after the long weekend but still good...Nadya was a little whiny but got into it pretty soon too...
Then again...weekdays and weekends are all pretty blurred to me right now also....

==========
Water plum had a bumper bloom session over the last 3 days...the flowers are very fragrant but quite fragile as well. Heavy rain and strong winds these few days made at least 15-20 flowers and sometimes 30-over flowers drop each day...so sad...

Most flower buds are not forming or growing that fast anymore so I'll only get a few blooms each day over the next week or so....

==========
Moss rose is doing much better compared to a month ago. Many new shoots are forming after the tremendous trimming it underwent a few weeks ago to get rid of bugs.

This morning, I caught a big mealybug feasting on one new shoot with a new flower bud so I squashed it and squashed it and squashed it. Reminder to self to spray the moss rose with neem oil again.....

==========
Kids at home =
Crumbs on the floor =
Ants are happy =
Lizards are happy =
Mama not happy

of stomach and gum woes...

It is amazing how reflux or an imbalance in the gut brings me various types of discomfort...

• stomach cramps at times
• breathlessness at times
• a general lethargy which can be mild or strong
• upper stomach discomfort
• bloatedness
• diarrhoea at times
• chest discomfort
• throat/neck aches if the reflux gets quite bad 
• bitter taste in mouth, sometimes just on its own, sometimes when I burp
• irritability, when too many symptoms occur at the same time, or when a single symptom shows up strongly, or...just because

At times, it can be just 1 or 2 symptoms, at other times, it's a combination of different symptoms. 

I weaned myself off omeprazole over several months and I've been completely off it (finally) for the past 1 month and 1 week. I was happy that I had no major discomfort, perhaps helped by the fact that I am WFH now and having light home-cooked meals with soup almost everyday. 

Maybe the strong doses of antibiotics (for my gum infection) are putting pressure on my stomach. I couldn't sleep well last night due to stomach cramps. Certain sleeping positions made me feel worse. 

Woke this morning and resolved to manage the stomach well today. So far it's manageable and doesn't make me feel too horrid. 

Fingers crossed that all will be well. 

That my stomach will hold up and that my gum will heal soon so I don't have too feel too worried about it and I don't have to contend with chewing only on the right side of my teeth...

bits and pieces

I miss Mama, aka my granny. That's what we call her. More specifically, Ma3Ma2.
But then again, in these unique times, I'm glad she's not around and at risk of catching the virus.

I still remember in the week after she passed on, I kept seeing a small brown moth hovering around my room and Nadya's room, especially at night. Nadya was only 6 months old at the time. I've never seen a moth hang around for so long in the years since.

==========
A little woozy from the antibiotics. 2 different types taken at the same time so maybe it might be strong....

On the brighter side of things, maybe it'll get rid of some of the bacteria that was making my throat a little scratchy...:)

==========
Suddenly realised that 不知不觉 I've stopped spending time each day to list down things that I feel grateful and thankful for that day. And it's been for several months...oops. ;p

Made a conscious effort to do so last night before I slept..Initial goal was to list down 3 things but 不知不觉 again....it became a list of 6-7 items haha, some of which included...

1. Nadya didn't cry yesterday morning when doing her work
2. A dentist was willing to see me! Even though he wasn't allowed to provide any cleaning or scaling services.
3. I took an hour off work in the afternoon and witnessed Nadya riding a bike! She rode the pedal bike for the first time ever on Monday afternoon but I had not been around to see it...So yesterday when I was present, and K was assisting her, I managed to take videos of it! Yay, so proud of her...she'd only been using the balance bike for less than a month and suddenly she could ride the pedal bike already!
4. I have a good working relationship with ST. (spent almost whole day with her yesterday to discuss how to handle one messy customer-reseller-reseller-registrar-registry issue)

==========
Trying to see how I can make some hanging holders for the airplants....