Try again

Lyrics extracted from "Try Again" by Aaliyah

If at first you don't succeed,
Dust yourself off, and try again
You can dust it off and try again, try again
Cause if at first you don't succeed,
Dust yourself off, and try again
You can dust it off and try again, dust yourself off and try again, try again


Yup.
My determination is not so strong...so I guess I have to try harder?

Laoniang was down

Laoniang was sick and having fever last Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday.
Was also having a stuffed nose, bad throat and dry cough.
Was on MC for those 3 days and went back to work on Friday afternoon for a meeting with my legal counsel.

Was still feeling feverish and lethargic through till Saturday and part of Sunday.
Had on and off slight nausea and soft stools.

I decided the Cetrizine and Panamol tablets were making me feel like shit and skipped them from Saturday afternoon onwards. I actually felt better thereafter.

Nevertheless, I took MC on Monday again and rested at home.
Back at work today.
Nose is pretty ok. Tummy is abit unstable still but I'm coping.

Heard that my boss was still at work the whole of last week and more even though he was coughing and having a runny nose. He's finally on MC today and tomorrow, having gotten fever last evening.

K was also down. His fever started a day or two before me.

It's the season.
I keep hearing of people falling sick and having fever. The extremely warm and humid weather isn't helping too. Please take care everyone.

Gwaen Chan Ha, Hae Su-issda

Sometimes
It feels like 3 steps forward and 2 steps back
At other times
It feels like 2 steps forward and 3 steps back

It's ok to cry
It's ok to take a break
But just keep going
However low your battery feels
However trying it might be

Keep going
One step at a time
Slowly
But surely

Emotional and tearful since last night
Get a grip
And keep going
Let's get it

Hae su-issda!

Bits and Pieces

Watch strap falling apart :(
Not sure what to do about it as it's some brand I got online...
I hope the local watch shops carry straps that fit this watch face...

Resorted to using a black rubber band to hold the strap in place this morning.
Lol...I look so cheapo and laopok hahaha....

===============
Went to Sora yesterday evening. We usually have ramen and the truffle mushroom pizza when there.

I ate half a slice of pizza before remembering that there's cheese in it. Stopped myself from gorging more and took it as an experiment to see how my tummy would react to it.

Ate most of the ramen and kept my fingers crossed that the rich (i.e. oily) soup base would not bring my stomach any issue.

Woke this morning and had to poo. Soft poo.
A little queasy this morning as well.

Not sure if it's the ramen or the cheese. Bah....

===============
Hair is getting quite dry and frizzy.
I think it's because of the length.
Lazy to go get a haircut at this point in time. Tahan abit more then see how............

The girls.....and me....

And so Nadya's fever came back last Wednesday evening. She also complained of pain in her calves and tummy. 

Thursday morning we brought her to KK. The poor girl had to undergo an enema (doc said stool stuck in her was probably causing her tummy discomfort) as well as a blood test. It was good that dengue was ruled out. But she underwent and xray as well and we were told she had a chest infection, likely due to the prolonged fever and nose congestion. She was put on a strong dose of antibiotics and sent home to rest. 

Her fever is gone but she is still somewhat whiny and a little sticky and cranky at times. She still has 3 more days of the antibiotics left...

===============

Alyssa....was doing ok....

But yesterday her nose started getting congested AGAIN. 

And she seems to be warming up. 

fingers crossed.

===============

Laoniang 累了...

Feeling a little off...body is 半烧半冷...

On and off slight sore throat....

Mind over body! Hang in there!!

Aim to take leave on Thursday or Wednesday to sleep and nuah abit...and do some colouring and soak myself in my favourite "Relaxing Guitar" Spotify playlist. 

Keep going

Past few days has been a blur.

Most of the weekend and Monday was spent looking after Nadya who was having high fever, and watching Alyssa, and entertaining them or breaking up their squabbles...I tried to stay upbeat. I tried to keep some harmony and balance at home. I tried to stay focused. I had to guide a rookie colleague on how to organise a Board meeting as well and had to spend some time overseeing his work, even when I was on child sick leave on Monday. I tried to keep up with my own goals and targets for healing. I tried, whenever I could, to do my own mental exercises as well.

Maybe I was tired or more distracted or I just needed the quiet but somehow for the past 2 nights, my breathing, stretching and meditation ended up being 20 minutes. That's quite long. I don't limit myself when I do my breathing and meditation and so far I usually average between 10-15mins, except for the past 2 nights when it ended up being a 20min session.

Was a little frustrated last evening and this morning as well. Lost my cool with Nadya this morning as she kept crying at anything and everything.

Feeling abit tired today. It's only mid-week?! But I have to keep going.
Friday's the Board meeting.

Hae su-issda Michelle. Hae su-issda!

Laoniang is 感动到.......

And so....a close colleague skyped me this morning.....

"do u know u are my pillar of strength

i mean u urself also gg thru bad times... but u still make the effort to comfort me which really comfort me alot

when i say this, is not just say nia... i really mean it.... times when i see ur msg... i feel more calm n i really feel strong.. and the whole mood lighten up.. u may not know how impt u are 

i just wanna let u know... u hv been a great comfort in my IVF journey"

Lao niang ish ish ish.....gan dong....lol...
but I told her....

"7 early 8 early....why you make me tear???!!!!"

Hahaha...

reminder to self

老娘。。。记得。。。

• 要看得开
• 要放得下
• 要忘得了 

不然会弄得自己更烦。。。

Alyssa

Alyssa...my poor baby girl...
She's been chugging medication like nobody's business since she's been a young baby. She's almost 4 already and still falling sick pretty often.

I remember Nadya getting much more stable when she turned 2 and the duration between each time she fell sick thereafter getting longer and longer...the intensity of each episode also decreased over time. For Alyssa though...it doesn't seem to like that....

The last few weeks have been tough on her. The constant cough and runny nose doesn't seem to be going away. They might taper off....and then suddenly come back with a hard vengeance. She just got off a round of antibiotics but has been put on another round of another type of antibiotics again, plus nasal spray, plus some saline wash, plus other new medications.

Hugs...baby girl...
Get well soon okay....
Mama loves you so much...

Ring Ring

Oh ya...!

Friday's dinner date was a bit more special haha....because I found that I could put on my wedding ring again lol....after 6 years of not being able to lol...

But I still can't put it on in the mornings when I have water retention HAHAHA...:D

Nadya

Nadya has been exhibiting "mean girl" bitchy behaviour in recent weeks.

I attribute it to:
(1) her getting older, and
(2) her mixing around much more with a classmate of hers.

I think it's more of (2). That girl can be rather mean, rude and bitchy sometimes.
I'm loathe to use the word "bitchy" to describe the behaviour of 6yr-olds but it really is how it is sometimes. The ostracising of another girl, the talking down to others whom they feel is not in their clique, etc. And I noticed that Nadya would act like this more and be more brazen when she is with this classmate of hers.

K spoke to Nadya last evening about her behaviour and attitude. I spoke to her last week and last night as well. I also told her that if her classmate wanted to be mean to others, it does not mean that she had to follow this classmate and be mean as well. We should treat our friends nicely....

I hope she improves soon.

Date Night

We had a simple dinner date last Friday. :)
Simple but lovely and meaningful.

We shared chye tow kueh and yong tau foo. And then went to buy some snacks and loitered a little in Parkway before making our way home to wash up and then go pick the girls from the inlaws'.

Although I took just a couple of mouthfuls of the chye tow kueh...my stomach wasn't very cooperative and acted up by the time Saturday afternoon came by...it may or may not have been the chye tow kueh....but I'm still glad I got to take some of it...:)

Onwards and upwards

4 June - took the bus home
5 June - walked alot alot more than usual, and half the time it was up a hill
7 June - had a meeting with external parties at a cafe below my office block

It's been a week of milestones and some breakthroughs.
I feel mentally tired though.

Ganbatte!
Hal su-issda!

4 June 2019

4 June 2019.
I did it that evening.
I achieved that goal I was aiming for.
K helped me out alot by being on the phone with me for 25mins and keeping me calm(er).

He said I need to give myself a pat on the back.
I shall, I will and by now, 2 days later, I already did actually haha.

Let's continue setting small targets to achieve each day.
Small wins maketh big wins.

You can do this!
Hal su-issda!

Jiayou!

Didn't manage to do something yesterday. Something that I've been meaning to overcome and conquer. For my own sake and the sake of my pocket.

I went home feeling a little disappointed but was still okay. Till I saw K. Then the tears came involuntarily. Small tears though. No big bawling.

He encouraged me to go for a walk instead. Get a small win.
And then try again the next day. To reach my target.

Yup, small wins to keep myself going. Small wins maketh a big win someday.

Jiayou Michelle. Jiayou!
You can do this!
Hal su-issda!

Thunder and Lightning

Raining cats and dogs now....
A loud clap of thunder just came....

It's 230pm. The girls are probably having their nap right now.
I hope the thunder didn't scare them. Alyssa is probably ok. Nadya's the one who's so afraid of thunder. I hope she's ok.......

Mama sends her thoughts to you girls ya...
Don't be afraid and just....continue sleeping. :D
Cover up well.........don't let your coughs get worse.....

The girls

Yesterday....the girls really tested my patience during dinner.
Alyssa had been a little grouchy since lunch time and was refusing to take her dinner.
Nadya was just walking around so often during her meal that she took rather long to finish it. And everytime I spoke to her, she'd either ignore me or take a super long time to respond or just not really do whatever I told her to do.

I don't know how many deep breaths I took to keep my composure lol...

Actually Nadya has been abit more difficult recently. Getting her to do things is akin to getting my blood pressure rise as well. Not sure if it's due to her new environment in the new school and her new friends/classmates.

Let's Get It!

And we're in June already.
Time goes by really fast the older we get.
Wonder why?
Because there are more responsibilities?
I dunno.
Ganbatte.
Ganbatte.
Ganbatte.
Hal su-issda.
Hal su-issda.
Hal su-issda.

Pointsettia

My pointsettia is still unstable.

Even after repotting into a bigger pot, another 2 leaves have yellowed and fallen off. On average, maybe one or two leaves have fallen off each week since 3 weeks ago...:(

It's not a very big plant...I hope it survives...

Maybe it's the recent high temperatures that it can't stand? Afterall, the plant came from a temperate climate...

My heart is full

I don't know if Alyssa noticed I was a little edgy this morning or what.

When we were in the car this morning, I had my eyes closed.

She took both my hands and hugged them tight. She then patted my hands while still hugging them....And she gave each hand a gentle kiss. Then she gave me a smile. It wasn't a cheeky smile or anything. It looked surprisingly mature. It seemed to be a "I know Mama. I know. But you can do it!" type of smile. A simple but emphathetic and encouraging smile.

She also gave me a bright smile and a "I love you Mama!" when I left the car to bring Nadya to school....

I was touched this morning and my heart, it melted...:)

Thank you my darling baby, Mama needed that. I love you too. Very much.

Though younger and more lacking in vocabulary, Alyssa seems to posses more empathy and awareness of emotions...And it is times like these when I feel, somehow amidst all the fumbles and uncertainties of parenting, we must have done something right.

What do you want to be?

When I was young...I actually wanted to be some of these....

• Receptionist - You're the first person and the first impression for anyone stepping into a corporate office. You make or break that first impression. How cool is that? Plus you get to dial those complicated phone systems to reach whoever your guest is trying to meet up with...:) 
• Cashier - At a grocery store. Back then when the cash register had a certain ringing sound whenever the cash till portion came sliding out. It impressed the hell out of me when I was a child and I always wanted to be the one handling the machine haha. Plus I thought it would fun to scan the groceries and see what  fooddifferent people bought. It would be fun to bag the items too! 
• Veterinarian - This was probably the only thing I wanted to be that required alot of studying haha. I loved animals alot when I was young and I wanted to be the doctor that treated them when they got sick... 
• Teacher - This was short-lived but it was one of my considerations when I was younger....largely because I was surrounded by teachers. My Dad, my aunt, my distant uncles, my parent's friends, my aunt's friends....they were all teachers!

I asked Nadya what she wanted to be last time. I think it was a year or two back. She said princess. LOL. 

Recently she said she wants to be a scientist. Wah...:)

I should start asking Alyssa what she wants to be when she grows up too....

Breathe

Headspace issues notifications to me from time to time throughout the day. Each time with little snippets and reminders. I find them useful sometimes. And they help to break some of the not-so-positive vibes as well.

Just got one. Which was a timely reminder.

"How chatty is your mind today? There is always your breath to help you out. Breathe in. Breathe out."

Breathe.
In.
Out.
Breathe.
In.
Out.
Breathe.

Of check-ups and....

Did a quick check and discovered that I've been to a GP or had medical appointments for a total of 24 times to date since the start of the year...

• Jan - 6 times
• Feb - 6 times
• Mar - 4 times
• Apr - 5 times
• May - 3 times

Actually, I may have missed out on 1 or 2 also...

Half of the year ain't even gone yet. And I know there are at least 8 to 10 more appointments and follow-ups that have been scheduled for the rest of the year....

Some people go through a whole year not seeing any GP at all, let alone a doc at the hospital. Sigh...

I don't want to think about how much I have spent so far. When people ask me what did I buy for myself after getting the mid-year bonus, I just smile and shrug and say nothing...because I'm saving up for my checkups. 

This is the year of the what again?? Year of the Pig I believe? 

Bah....not that good a year for me in terms of health...

It will get better...

It will get better...

Jiayou Michelle! 

You can do this! 

Medical Check

Went for a medical check this morning.

Thyroid and cortisol levels are not abnormally low and out of whack, but they are not within the normal range either....just borderline below the normal range.

Will be referred to the endocrine specialist for further assessment on hormone levels and my endocrine system.

And I have mild piles. zzzzz...had my bum poked by the doc this morning. Nvm, this is no biggie. Just need to take care, drink more water, take more vegetables and don't strain too much while pooing.

And apparently my liver is slightly fatty. Like really? Even after losing 5kg in the last 5-6 months? zzzzz....

Good thing is that stomach scope and pancreas scan are all ok and clear.

Was given omeprazole again to control the acid reflux and probiotics...

I wonder how many case files I have with CGH already........the clinics I have open cases with at CGH are at least 6 or 7....and I have another 2 at SGH...

Ganbatte...
I can do this...
I can do this...
I can do this!!!

Reminder to Self

1. Make little changes to your life - exercise, get out in nature, meditate 
2. Smile more - even if you don't feel like it
3. Relish, simple everyday moments
4. Perform random acts of kindness
5. Avoid comparisons and embrace your own imperfections
6. Build and maintain close relationships

Sunday's meals....and stomach spoil....and girl crush?

K and I both like this restaurant at Katong V. It's called Strong Flour and is part of the Group Therapy group of cafes. It also happens to be run by an acquaintance of mine whom I met at least 8 years ago due to work.

We brought the girls there for lunch yesterday. The girls like the truffle fries there. As usual, the food did not disappoint. It was good...though it could be abit oily at times....

And yep....the oiliness caused my stomach to react...

Alyssa was feeling a little queasy as well....

And so we ended up ordering porridge for dinner lol...From this place called Li Fang Porridge in Geylang...It was our first time trying them out and we're glad we did! Their porridge was good...thick congee the way I like it...It did not turn watery even after an hour just sitting there on my kitchen counter.

Laoniang likes this type of "chok". Yummy!

My stomach though....I was still bloated, full and queasy at bedtime...:(
Even after just having light porridge for dinner....

Speaking of my acquaintance, the co-owner of Strong Flour and the Group Therapy chain....
She's young, thin and wiry. Tomboyish since my initial days of knowing her. But there's a certain charisma she has. In the Korean entertainment industry, they would describe her as being "cool" and a "girl crush" haha.

Here's wishing Wei Lin all the best in her cafes!

Coincidences - part 2

Still happening...the number 44 keeps popping up.

• 7 or 8 out of 10 times I check the time, it will still read as 2:44pm, 20:44pm, etc.
• I went for a medical appointment and it was in room 44 for that day, even though the doctor was usually in room 25. 
• I checked my phone another day and a Whatsapp message notification showed that it came in 44mins ago. 
• I glanced at the mivrvowave oven one day to see how long more till the food is heated and the clock showed it still had 44 more seconds to go....

Little little bits like that...on most days...

So 巧.....So uncanny....

Origami

Folding lilies and cranes can be rather calming.
Perhaps I should buy another pack of origami paper from Daiso and leave it in the office...:)

Me vs Me

At the end of the day
It can be lonely
As

It is a battle
It is a conversation
It is a compromise
It is a challenge
It is a journey
It is a process

Between me
And me

The thoughts
The feelings
The emotions
And also
The physical manifestations

I feel them
I experience them
Only I may fully understand
The impact they have on me

On a daily basis
On an hourly basis

I don't wish to explain
Certain actions or behaviour of mine
However strange or preposterous
They may seem at times

I am thankful though
For friends and family who
Accept me as is

Learning how to ground
Learning how to manage
Learning

There is still a long way to go
May my days be more manageable and fruitful
May my nights be more restful

Keep the faith
Keep going

Hal su-issda
I can do it!

Random stuff

Wanted to colour last night but ended up being rather tired so I went to bed earlier instead. Thought I could have a good night's rest but the thunderstorm at 330am kept me up abit I think. I remember I was still trying to get back to sleep and still hearing thunder clapping here and there.

Wonder if I can get 20winks later...a 5-10mins quick shuteye would be nice...

==============
Seems that The Coll is trying to push a piece of policy work to me.

A string of Hokkien swear words emanated from me when I heard about it.

How many times has she "siammed" work already? Either act blur or cook up excuses or siam....until the piece of work falls into a black hole.

NB she better don't continue pushing. Pek check enough already as it is.

===============
I met a lady from the far end of office at the washroom today. We seldom see each other as she's seated very far away. She commented that I'd slimmed down alot...and asked me to take care....

:(

===============
My new Nike cap came in the mail 2 days ago. Sibei like. Sibei love. Sibei chio lah the cap...

It's dark grey with the words "Just do it" embroidered on the front of it, just above the duck bill. no tick, nothing else. And the grey's made to seem a little washed out.

Loving it! :)
Brought me alot of joy unwrapping it from the packaging that day haha...:)

Pointsettia

Spent a short 5-10mins transplanting my pointsettia into a bigger pot last night before bed.
It was actually a small and very short plant with a single bunch of pointsettia red leaves...maybe around 10cm tall only? Given to me by Linda my colleague fro Xmas last year.

I brought it home and gave it some love and care. I wasn't expecting much but it somehow blossomed...most of the red leaves dropped off by February or March...but then new foliage started appearing in early April, which is actually spring time in Europe. The plant has since sprouted several new branches and baby leaves too...and is standing at 15cm tall and 10-12cm wide.

The plant was still in its original tiny pot and I'd neglected to switch it out to a bigger pot. Plus I was a little lazy. Some leaves started turning yellow end of last week and one or two actually shrivelled up and dropped off....

I got worried and quickly transplanted it last night. Let's hope that the plant roots will reach out to the new soil soon and the plant will discover that it has more space to grow into!

Breathe.

Sometimes when The Coll does things...

Especially when it is just a repetition of what you proposed or said or did.... 

Just so she has the "last say"....

I need to learn to let it go and just treat it as a dog barking...Yes, just a dog barking. 

Need to learn to walk away and save myself from being pek chek. 

Walk away 

Breathe

Walk away

Ignore

Walk away

Do better things

Walk away

Be bigger

Walk away 

Keep going keep trying

Nadya seems really sticky to me during bedtime.

When I suggested to her yesterday evening that K would put her to sleep instead of me, she immediately became all upset and whiny and insisted that I be the one to put both she and Alyssa to sleep.

Nvm, keep trying.

Weight

Laoniang is at 46.9kg.

Hoping to bring it back up to 48 or so....

Yummy....Fishy....Tuna!

Last Friday, I wanted to get 1 tin of tuna to try out its taste as I've not taken it before. Ayam Brand's tuna in olive oil.  K ended up getting 4 tins of it because he said there was some kind of promo lol.

So anyway I've been having tuna for breakfast these 2 days and I have to say it tastes pretty yummy. :)

The only thing about tuna is.......

The fishy smell it leaves in your mouth.........

I got abit conscious of myself these 2 days, especially in the first half of the day... hahaha

Of colours and inspirations

Feeling blessed.

On Monday, Kah Hui gifted me with a sketchbook. She'd gotten it from Denmark when she was on her course a month ago. She finally had the time to sort out her trip stuff and had the chance to bring it to office to pass to me.

It's a lovely sketchbook with a plain cover for you to design your own front and back covers. I don't think she realised it but the front and back covers are actually made with special watercolour paper. Haha...she only thought it was some unique rough or meshed paper. :)

I've not opened the book yet because I don't have any inspiration as yet on how to utilise it or what to fill it up with....and I don't have an inkling what to paint on the cover too...:) Will keep it aside till I find my inspiration!

===============
Spent 30-40mins colouring last night. Not sure what came over me but it's been a long long time since I coloured. Finished up a 3/4 coloured mandala last night and did up half of another mandala.

Maybe I might have some time tonight to finish the second mandala up.


Felt somewhat refreshed

===============
Still very much in love with my 48-colour Stabilo colour pencils.
Since it's been so long since I last coloured, I'd also forgotten how much I actually love those pencils!

I keep them hidden from the girls...I do get possessive over my special (and separate) stash of art supplies. I draw the line at things that are just solely for myself. :)

There aren't many of them though...Just 2 colouring books, my Stabilo 48 piece colour pencil set, my watercolour brushes and my watercolour special paper. :)

The rest of the stuff like coloured paper, coloured cards, origami paper, yarn, googly eyes, ice-cream sticks, watercolour paints, poster colour paints, finger paints, palettes, brushes, etc....are free for those two little girls to use (and abuse) hahaha.....

Bits and Pieces

Even a 1,000km journey starts from a single step...

A single step
A single breath
A single movement

===============
The girls both have runny noses and phlegmy coughs.
Alyssa vomitted on Saturday night and Nadya had a slightly infected eye on Sunday...
Hope they get well soon...

Nadya has been rather whiny and quick to get teary and upset these 2 weeks...
Sickness aside, when I ask her if anything happened in school or if there was anything that upset her, she'd say that there was nothing...or maybe she doesn't know how to articulate her feelings.
Hope she opens up and talks about it or sorts herself out soon....

===============
Homework
Get myself acquainted with more words describing emotions
Be more aware of what emotions I am feeling

===============
Bits and Pieces
I wonder if they are still around? The store selling silver jewellery?
I used to get all my stuff from them when I was in secondary school and JC...and maybe even during uni days? I cannot remember...

Today we will survive

From "Not Today" BTS
Verse sung by Jungkook, Jimin, J-hope & V


"If you can't fly, then run
Today we will survive
If you can't run, then walk
Today we will survive
If you can't walk, then crawl
Even if you have to crawl, gear up
Aim your gun! Ready! Fire!"

Every little step forward is still progress

Before the girls slept, I told Nadya to go the toilet on her own if she needed to pee in the middle of the night. Also told her that she need not fuss or cry if she needed to pee. Just go pee and then go back to sleep. Been telling her these since awhile back....

My intention is to have her be independent and to overcome her fear of the dark....and of course to minimise sleep interruption for me. Ok, the latter is my main goal lol....

She did very well last night...I heard her wake and go to the washroom herself. Was also glad that she did not fuss or what.

I thought I could just drift back to sleep when she came over after she'd peed.

"Mama!" She whispered and tapped my arm. "Mama!"
"Mama! I woke up and went to pee by myself!!" She said proudly.

"Ok, good job darling. Mama is proud of you. Now go back to sleep...."

So in the end I still got woken up........
*facepalm*

But nevermind.....Reminder to self. Every little step forward is still progress. :)

Alyssa the water baby

Alyssa has been rather taken with swimming recently. Ever since she gained courage and discovered she could swim (or more like dog paddle) around the pool on her own if she had her trusty arm floats on. I took some videos of her doing that last Saturday morning and now she wants to see those videos everyday haha.

She's been showing one particular video to different people and asked me to show her aunt last evening as well. She's proud of her achievement I guess haha.

According to Alyssa's form teacher, apparently Alyssa announced to her teacher and classmates 1 or 2 days ago that "My Dada swims with me with no Tshirt on."

And it sparked off a lengthy "My Daddy also never wear T-shirt" conversation in the entire class haha.

Imagine all the little 3 and 4 year olds talking about their daddies being topless....Lol...
So amusing!

Off with you!

The reflux was under control for awhile. But since last Friday, it kind of reared its head up again. And here I am trying my valiant best to quell it into submission.

These few days.......

• Stomach feels a little twisted up. 
• Stomach feels bloated more than half the time, especially after lunch. 
• Eating alot less again. 
• Wake up feeling a little nauseated sometimes.
• Difficulty swallowing.
• Lump in the throat feeling most of the time. "Globus sensation" is the medical term for it I believe.
• Heartburn on and off
• Chest pain on and off
• Tight chest on and off

Hope this episode clears up soon...
Mind over body? Yeah, mind over body. I can handle this....

Go to sleep now....close your eyes....

We finally tried it. Something I was hoping for a long time. 

K put the girls to sleep last night. Alyssa was pretty cool about it and was very ok with the arrangement. 

Nadya was not so cool about it. She bawled big time. It lasted a good 10-15mins. She cried herself to sleep I think. When Alyssa came out to pee and Nadya was still crying her eyes out, Alyssa told me: "Mama, I told jiejie no need to cry and to be quiet. Mama is just next door right?!"

Although my heart ached a little hearing Nadya cry, I think it is still a good step forward. For all of us. Baby steps. Do it 2-3 times a week and she'll get used to it. 

Having that extra 1-1.5hrs really makes a difference. That "me time" to settle down, tie up loose ends and round up the day.  I managed to settle some things including work and personal stuff and even watched 15mins' worth of a variety show. How cool is that? 

Boxy!

So so blessed.

ST just gave me a box from Miniso...it's a storage box but it also doubles up as a foot rest...
She's been blessing me with gifts every now and then since last year...I feel so paiseh.

And she always tells me she's very grateful I brought her into the team.

We recently got our bonus letters and she said it's the biggest she's ever seen in her entire working life...and she brought up the "being grateful to me" thing again.

My first time bringing someone into the team and I'm glad that things worked out well. She's a good worker and a very nice person. A good fit to the team and I'm glad my judgement of character was accurate in this instance. :)

She's turned out to be one of my closest friends in the team too...:)

Stomach spoil again

Just when I wrote about stabilising the stomach last Friday morning....

Then on Friday afternoon and evening, my stomach acted up. Been quite a long while since the acid reflux acted up so badly. I had the full works of nausea, slight dizziness, chest pain, lump in the throat feeling, bloatedness and upper tummy ache....

Had lunch at 1130am/12pm on Friday and had to skip dinner because I couldn't put anything in at all. If I did, I'd probably have thrown it up. My dinner/supper ended up being just a Maple syrup roll from a bakery, at 930pm or 10pm that night. Had to nibble on it slowly and split the bun into two or three portions instead of finishing it up at one go.

Since that evening, the tummy has not been that well...couldn't eat much over the weekend as well even though I was hungry and wanted to eat....

Because of skipping dinner on Friday and eating less over the weekend, I lost a little weight again...Boo....

Everyday is worth celebrating

Heard a song on Love 97.2 FM this morning...And there was a line which touched me.

"每天都值得去庆祝!"

Everyday is worth celebrating.

So motivating.

Also....find the good and the joy in every situation.
Note to self. Reminder to self!

Of Songs and Lyrics

Alyssa and Nadya were singing self-composed songs to their "babies" last night. They were trying to put their "babies" to sleep. "Babies" being Panda, Alyssa's favourite soft toy, and Bunny, Nadya's favourite toy.

Nadya sang a song which made me a little sad...One of her lines went like this...

"Mama needs to go to work....
I will see you later...
Somebody else will take care of you..."

:(  :(  :(

And then Alyssa surprised me with her own song...I was quite captivated and managed to jot down some of her self-composed lyrics....While not fully coherent, I was surprised at the language she used and how some of the phrases actually rhymed! Whether it was a conscious effort or not, I thought she did a very good job at the lyrics...for a 3.5yr old little girl. It was so....profound.

Here's how her song went.....

"I love you
I miss you
Sleep in the night
When the stars shine bright
Anyway
You cannot be in the way
And you can fill your day up
In the morning
You can talk about your day
In the night
That's me in the world
Shining bright
So fill your day up
To the sky
To the night"

This little girl is turning out quite well, tantrums aside....:)

zzz...zzz...

Too much talking this week...

Last Saturday night - more than an hour
Last Sunday afternoon - 30mins
Tuesday night - an hour
Thursday afternoon - 2-2.5 hours in total
Thursday night - 45mins
Friday afternoon - 1hr

No wonder I feel rather exhausted...
I want sleep and me time.
2 whole days of it. Maybe 3.

Weight...Diet...Changes...

Laoniang is weighing in at 47.1kg since last week...newest low. Sometimes the scale showed 46.9kg as well.

A little alarming considering it's been an average of 1kg loss per month since December.

Things that contributed:

• Stomach issues - Functional dyspepsia and acid reflux. Half the time I am walking around with either a bloated stomach or a stomach that feels knotted up or a stomach that is having indigestion.

• Diet change - major change. I have cut out 98% of snacks and biscuits and sweets. I'm still munching on raisin bread in between meals sometimes. It is my go-to for a quick energy top-up. No chocolates, cakes, tea, coffee, milk, spicy and deep fried food. Though I have no choice but to take fried food sometimes when we are outside and there are no other food choices. No tomatoes and other sour stuff (like pickles, oranges, etc) either. My lunch everyday now is either fusili, noodles or rice, with 2 or 3 types of veg and either chicken, lean pork or minced meat. Come to think of it, 90-95% of my meals are now home-cooked meals, with only the occasional ordering in or dining out. Wah.....

• Meal frequency - Taking smaller portions per meal or as much as my stomach would allow me to put in. Instead of 3 meals a day and munching on snacks in the afternoon sometimes, I'm doing about 4-5 meals a day now, with munching on raisin bread if I feel my energy and/or sugar level getting low. 

Never knew the diet change and switching to smaller but more meals in a day could have such an effect on my weight. That's all my pregnancy weight and more that has been lost. 

But I think I'll still give it another 1-2 more months of cleaner eating before I slowly try to eat some of these foods again to identify which ones are more tolerable and which are the clear no-nos. 

Anyway, ganbatte Michelle...

Don't worry too much about the weight loss...most important thing is to stabilise the stomach first and then see how it goes......Jiayou!!

Epiphany | Self-love

Epiphany by BTS' Jin has been a fav of mine since last year...
Came across an article today that recommended a list of K-songs for self-healing. And Epiphany popped up in the list, together with G-Dragon's Untitled, which I also like. 

Anyway....here are Epiphany's lyrics...


Epiphany
- BTS Jin aka Kim Seok Jin

So weird, I for sure loved you so muchAdapted to you with everything, I wanted to live my life for you
But as I keep doing that I just can't bear the storm inside my heart
The real myself inside the smiling mask, I reveal it entirely

I’m the one I should love in this worldShining me, precious soul of mineI finally realized so I love me
Not so perfect but so beautifulI’m the one I should love

I’m shaking and afraid but I keep going forwardI’m meeting the real you, hidden in the stormWhy did I want to hide my precious self like this?What was I so afraid of?Why did I hide my true self?

I’m the one I should love in this world
Shining me, precious soul of mineI finally realized so I love me
Not so perfect but so beautifulI'm the one I should love

I may be a bit blunt, I may lack some things
I may not have that shy glow around me
But this is me
My arms, my legs, my heart, my soul

I wanna love in this world
Shining me, precious soul of mine
I finally realized so I love me
Not so perfect but so beautiful
I'm the one I should love

I’m the one I should love
I’m the one I should love

Coincidences?

Something's been happening in recent weeks and months...The coincidences are sometimes so uncanny and mysterious it's a little unnerving.

The number 44 appears very often. Sometimes it's just 4 but most of the time it's 44.

• I'd glance at my phone or my laptop for the time and it would be something along the lines of 9:44am, 1:44pm, 2:44pm or 5:44pm. This happens all the time. And my phone is on a 24-hr clock display so when it's 2:44pm, it actually reads as 14:44pm. There were at least 2 to 3  occasions when I woke in the middle of the night to pee and the clock read 4:44am or 3:44am or 2:44am. 
• I'd stop reading my book to find that it's at page 44 or 64 or 74. 
• I had a medical appointment on 4-4-19.
• My brother just turned 44 a month ago. 
• A cab I booked came with licence plate number 2844
• And so on....

Relax

Sweaty palms
Sweaty feet

Just saw this on my boss' cup...how apt.

"Relaxation is an art. Practice. Practice. Practice."

Touched

One of the paragraphs that resonated with me the most when I read Desiderata.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself. 

Strip away some words and the underlying key points that touched me come through.....

Take kindly the counsel of the years.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Be gentle with yourself.

Desiderata

Written in 1927 by poet Max Ehrmann. But still very relevant for how we should live our lives.


DESIDERATA
Max Ehrmann, 1927

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Roasting

We were at the basement of 112 Katong and making our way to Nadya's ballet class.

Alyssa suddenly said to me: "Mama, I want to roast the man!"

Me: ??? Roast the man? Huh???

She pointed to something. I followed her gaze....and...

Oh. CHEY!!

She was referring to the table soccer machine just outside the supermarket. Those with sticks/handle bars sticking out from the sides of the machine and where you twist those sticks so that the different-coloured little plastic men attached to them would hit the plastic soccer ball in the machine.

So smart lah this girl...
Haha....Roast the man...LOL LOL....

Reminder to Self

It's ok to reminisce once in awhile.
It's ok to run through some past memories in your head once in a blue moon.

But it's not so good to live in the past or wish certain things would go back to the way they were.

Because time and space and people have moved on.

And so should you.

While it is true that the past has helped shape you, it is also true that we should live looking forward and moving forward.

Sure, you can pause and take a look back to see how far you have come, what you have overcome and what you have achieved.

Then take a deep breath, collect yourself and move on again.

Keep moving forward.
Trudge on.

You can do it.

When....

When you put on a brave front and meet with an external party (for work purposes) whom you get along with rather well but have not met for maybe 7 to 8 months or so.

When the heart is very willing but the mind wreaks havoc with you.

When you catch up with the other party but you can feel your legs trembling as well.

When you are chatting but also feeling your hands turn clammy and a little sweaty.

When you are talking and at the same time feeling yourself go a little light-headed.

When you are present with the other party but at the same time trying to get a grip on yourself.

When you realise that it was only a 30mins catch-up and you were willing to go on longer...but the mind seems to be getting more impatient as well.

At least I did it.
I went downstairs. I met with my registrar for 30mins.
I can do this.

Heartwarming

It was a heartwarming moment. Happened this morning.
I guess these moments are made all the more special when you don't expect it at all.

I was on my bed and putting on my concealer. Nadya happened along and was playing with some toy when I mentioned to her that it was rather hot. The fan was at the time fixed at another spot away from me.

I didn't ask her to but Nadya then skipped over to the fan, pressed the button to release it from its position and tried to then fix the fan so that it would blow at me.

感动.

I thanked her and mentioned that I really appreciated that action. She smiled proudly.

Seek and you will find

Wonder what happened to my "mind over body" mantra over the years.
It kind of fizzled out when I didn't rely on it much over the last 6, 7, 8 years...

I forgot all about it but it suddenly popped up in my head this morning.

It is ironic that having gone through a few more years of life, the mind seems weaker now than it was before. Maybe ignorance and a certain foolhardiness and bravery fueled the mind a decade ago. That courage to trust and believe in yourself and let things be come what may. That courage to keep moving and keep going even if things go awry.

I should search within for that courage again.
Strength. Yes, I need that too.

Peanut

Even though she's already 3.5yrs old, I still see Alyssa as a baby.

I was really caught by surprise when I found out by chance last night that she could read and recognise the Chinese words 狗， 羊， 红， 妈， 爸，六 , and 白.

Her Chinese class teacher had returned a worksheet that they used in class and there was an attached paper detailing how well she knew some of these Chinese words...I think she may know more words than these....

Way to go Alyssa!!

I think we did not spend as much time teaching Alyssa as we did to Nadya couple of years ago....
Maybe that's why everything that Alyssa can do right now, I find fascinating...like how she drew her classmates and even added in details like their shirt buttons, shoes and coloured hair....

Bosses

I am thankful for having had nice bosses over the years....

Some of them may have been cantankerous, obnoxious, or quirky and strange in their ways...
But they were flexible, nice and genuinely cared for me in their own ways too...

James
Guinevere
Jenaline
Choon Sai
Ser Pheng

Thank you for being in my life at various stages...and thank you for imparting some of your knowledge (whether knowingly or unknowingly) to me...

I can.

The journey of a 1,000 miles starts with a single step.

A single step.

Just. Need. To. Get. Started.

For now, it is......

Not about how far, how long, how fast I can go.

But about taking that first step.

That first step.

That first single step.

Need some courage and motivation.

Promotions...nope not me

Been receiving pieces of good news from here and there in the recent 1-2 weeks...

Ally received a promotion!

Linda received a promotion!

And now...Kah Hui received a promotion as well!

Happy for them....

Kah Hui was promoted to SM after me and now she's an AD. Am a little envious. But not too much also, cos I know that their scope of work and what we're doing in my team is vastly different and on a different scale and level altogether...
I'm just happy that she's got more $$ now for her housing loans and renovation...!!

11 April

Hello Mama,

How are you? I miss you.

Hope life's been good up there. Are you still playing mahjong with Ipoh, Tuanku, Kimpoh and your other relatives? Are you eating, sleeping and drinking well? I don't know actually, do you guys get to eat, drink and sleep? :)

The girls are doing good. They are growing well, Nadya is getting more articulate and is learning things well. Alyssa is getting more expressive but she's also throwing alot more tantrums these days. Her body constitution is still not so stable and she falls sick easily. Please watch over the two of them ya...

The rest of us are doing alright. Adrian went through major changes last year but has since stabilised. There will still be more changes in his life this year too but they're all for the better I hope. Mum and Dad are doing good. They still have their health issues here and there but by and large, they've been pretty good and stable, and still going on their cruises and Genting trips. K is doing alright and has started running regularly again. He's been watching his food intake and is working hard at his venture. As for me, I've been having some health issues here and there over the last few months but I'm still doing ok for the most part. I will persevere and work hard to be well. Lastly, both Ah Gor and Ah Dioh are getting baptised at Bedok Methodist Church this Saturday at 3pm.

Please watch over  all of us too ya...

In the meantime, take care...and I'll "speak" to you again next time...


Love you...
Michelle

===============
Swung by Holy Family Church yesterday afternoon to say some prayers and to "speak" to my Granny for awhile. K was with me as well. My parents and Adrian had gone there earlier in the afternoon and left about 5mins before I arrived. Missed them by that mere 5mins haha.

It's strange. Whenever I step into this particular church, I feel emotional and I always end up crying when I sit in the pews to pray. I'd try my best to control myself but to no avail, the tears just come. Just a matter of many tears or some tears. I don't get this way when I am at Novena Church.

I wonder what's there at Holy Family Church that gets to me.....maybe it's the giant stained glass feature adorning the main hall's front wall. It's beautiful by the way. Very beautiful.

So anyway, it's been 5 years since Granny left us. Time flies. I remember Nadya was only 6 months and 2 days old when she passed. And I remember feeling thankful that at least Granny had gotten to meet Nadya when she was about a month old.

I miss my Gran's hands. They were pretty large for a woman, slighty calloused at certain areas but very warm. I miss that warmth. Whenever I felt cold, which was pretty often, especially when the family was out at a shopping centre, she'd hold my hands and rub them to keep them warm.

When I sing or hum songs for the girls at night before they sleep, I'd get reminded of her too, and the times when we lay together on the leather sofa at our old Bedok flat at night before bed and she sang me songs and nursery rhymes like Old McDonald and Baa Baa Black Sheep. That was one of the earliest memories of my life. I think I was probably 3 or 4.

Typing this and tearing up at work. Not so good. ;p
I should stop.

...........

Since December 2018, K has taken turns with me to sleep with the girls. Before that I was sleeping with the girls each night.

Now that this arrangement is in place, I look forward to the nights when it's my turn to not sleep with them.

I have no idea how I survived before......waking up each night multiple times over a period of almost a year. Maybe that's why I fell sick often and felt so overwhelmed with things. Maybe that's why or how I ended up with myriad issues. I guess sometimes, just trying to trudge on and persevere on your own isn't all that......smart. For lack of a better word.

Food for Thought

I was asked to think through these 2 questions last week. 

1. What are your expectations of yourself as a mother?
2. What are your expectations of yourself as a wife?

I thought alot about it on Wednesday evening and Thursday. 

And then my acid reflux acted up.....lol.

===============

One of my favourite episodes from Jibsabu Ilche (Master in the House) that got me thinking. 

It was aired earlier this year and featured Park Jin Young (CEO of JYP Entertainment) as the Master. 

He asked the members to ponder over the below 2 phrases and fill in the blanks with their own words....

• I want to be  _____________.
• I want to live for  ________________. 

His own sentences were:

• I want to be respected.
• I want to live for the truth. 

Ang Gu Gu....

Feeling happy...

Eric and Des are due in end June.
Dan and YL are due in early Oct.

ST is trying for one.
Par and Desh are trying for one too...

More babies = more love and joy around...

Good News

Just received a piece of good news...YL is expecting again!
 Charlotte will have a baby sibling soonnn!! Hahahaha...

I knew something was up when I suddenly thought of Dan & YL last week and when I suddenly thought of YL this morning again...
She also suddenly texted me around mid-day today....asking me out for lunch...

I wondered to myself if I would see her with a big belly.....

And then aha...! She told me about it....

Happy for them. :)

EDD in early Oct...yay! Will be a libran like me, Nadya and Alyssa!

Milestone Again!

This time...*drumroll*......it's US. :)

And so...10 years ago on a fateful Thursday
This innocent little (female) lamb stepped aboard a pirate ship ;p
And sailed away with the captain of the ship...(who happened to be another lamb)

Meh meh meh....Arrrrrr!
Yo ho ho! Ya ha ha!
Hardy har har har!

Over smooth waters
Over rough waves
Under twinkling stars
Under the shiny moon
Under the mighty sun
Under fluffy clouds

Rain or shine
The 2 sailed on
The 2 lambs have now become sheep
With 2 new lambs of their own...:)

Happy 10th Anniversary Baby!
Love you and thank you for being around
Thank you. Just because.

Milestone!

Peanut finally wrote her name by herself. :)
On 6 April 2019, Saturday.
On a magnetic board at the reading corner of Lorna Whiston School, the Parkway Parade branch.
While waiting for Nadya to finish her class.
Aged 3 years and 6.5 months. :)

Mama and Dada are proud!

Nadya

My firstborn.

There's something warm and fuzzy when you reach the stage when your kid is actually able to wear some of your old clothes. Yeah sure, it may look a little baggy on her but she's able to carry it off! :D

This pink T-shirt was probably from 2007/2008/2009. That's at least 10 years ago.

3rd April 2019

As of today, this blog is 13 years, 8 months, 1 week and 2 days old.

Wow.

It's like I've a teenage daughter in addition to the other 2 younger girls....:)

Random

While putting the girls to sleep last night....a random thought came into my mind....

Why do people say "....getting the shorter end of the stick....".

End of the stick got short or long one meh?
Thought the end of a stick is either sharp or blunt?
Length of a stick is just the full length of the stick lor...how to measure the end of a stick?

Hahaa...one of those things....

Scan

Went for an ultrasound yesterday morning for the pancreas, liver and kidney functions.
Ordered by the gastro doctor.

I'll only be seeing him in end May...so hopefully my scan is normal.
If they don't call me immediately means it should be normal right?

Girlfriends. Big Girlfriends.

Thankful for girlfriends who have been with me for :

• the last 26 years, 
• the last 9 to 10 years, and
• the last 1 year.

Thankful for some guy friends who have been with me for :

• the last 20 years, and
• the last 10 years.

A, P, K, Mas, Mi, LH, ST, Ed and Dan...

Lazy Daisy

Lol, I don't know how much lazier can I get.

I just visited my own blog after umpteen years....and realised that some free counter widget was still on the right of the blog....just that the free counter service has been discontinued. So all that's showing is just a placeholder....Two of these....

One of them was titled "The Countdown"...I remember doing it up when I was expecting Nadya...which was like 6 years back. Not sure if I used it when I was carrying Alyssa though...likely not.

Been ages since I tinkered with the html of this blog...don't remember how to do it also....

Maybe I should try again...and remove those ugly placeholders.....:)

Girlfriends. Little Girlfriends.

We had 2 of Nadya's friends over for dinner last evening. Together with their parents....

4 little girls make for ALOT OF NOISE. Lol.

Felt a little sorry for our neighbours with the amount of shouting, shrieking, screaming, running and jumping that was going on from 630pm to 830pm.

I was really glad to see Alyssa joining in the older girls' activities, and it was sweet too, seeing them look out for her...although she was usually the slowest amongst them haha. Shorter legs.
While she may not have understood 100% of what was going on during their play and make-believe sessions, she tried her best and they also included her in as much as possible. *hearts* The other kids' parents have never really seen this happy, squealing side of her hahaha...They're more used to her quieter and shy side and were surprised to see her running around and playing with the jiejies....:)

Laoniang's Foot is Better

The gel given by the AnE doc worked pretty well. The next morning after I used it for the first time on last Wednesday night, the soreness had lessened alot and the swelling reduced too.

Resting well from Wed to Fri helped as well and by Friday I was almost walking normally. The foot only felt sore at certain angles...

Over the weekend, I moved around more, cos of looking after the kids....and I also accidentally slammed the same foot against a cupboard on Saturday mid-day. The same exact spot. Wah, the pain I felt at that time was !@#$^%*&%*$E%#$. I was in the midst of helping Alyssa wash herself after a poop. She gave me a quizzical look when I suddenly inhaled sharply and scrunched my face up. The sweet little girl asked "Mama, are you ok?"

It's Monday again. A week after I hurt my foot. While i can walk pretty ok now, some soreness is still around, especially after the busy weekend. While there is a scab where the abrasion was, the scabs don't seem to be fully dry and flaking off as yet. There is also redness on and around the abrasion.

Wishing that the soreness and redness will fully disappear over the coming week ahead....
Ganbatte!

Laoniang's Foot

And so on Monday afternoon....IKEA delivered 2 boxes of Billy bookcases that we bought to store the girls' and our burgeoning stash of books and documents....Both boxes were 2m long...

The deliverymen left them in the room standing upright...and the blur me didn't have the presence of mind to get them to place the boxes lying down on the floor so that they don't topple over.

So after the guys left...laoniang and the helper decided to adjust the boxes...

Laoniang act hero....

One of the boxes was too heavy...

Laoniang's hands miscue....

The huge box toppled over.....

Laoniang's right foot was in the way....

Laoniang tried to siam....

But couldn't siam much....

And so.... the box landed on Laoniang's foot.

The top of my right foot swelled up immediately at the point of impact...There was a line of abrasion as well and a blue black outline formed immediately too....

It was uncomfortable on Monday night but I still made it to work on Tuesday morning. On Tuesday night I couldn't walk much and hobbled alot. Right foot had a throbbing pain on and off throughout the night as well. So on Wed I decided to get it xrayed....

No fracture...which is good...

Just given 2 days MC and some gel to apply to relive the swelling and pain.

In my parent's words...sigh...macham macham...

ENT Review

Went for the ENT review yesterday morning.

This new lady doc Joyce Tang was really nice and patient. Really appreciated her explanations to the various queries I had.

Had a nose/throat scope done again and that yucky numbing medicine sprayed down both of my nostrils and into my throat. Was talking funny after that hahha....

In gist....

• No nodules in the throat - good! 
• No lesions in the throat - good!
• Vocal cords are ok - good! 
• Lightheadness is not due to any inner-ear imbalance - good!
• Some "dirt" in the tonsils...which she said is probably due to past infections and can be ignored - good!
• Back of throat is slightly swollen, which is a sign of the acid reflux, but she assured me that this is a very common condition....and probably many people have it but they just don't know...
• Said acid reflux is very common in Singapore, probably due to our lifestyle and or local food...just need to manage it properly, make the appropriate lifestyle and diet adjustments and learn how to live with it...

Glad it went well...

On a sidenote, we were talking about G6PD and the nurse in attendance in the room happened to have it too...Same situation as me! Parents and older brother don't have it but we (as the younger sister) have it! Was so happy to have met someone who is like me...:) 

Love

Maybe I made a mistake yesterday, but yesterday’s me is still me. Today, I am who I am with all of my faults and mistakes. Tomorrow, I might be a tiny bit wiser and that’ll be me too. These faults and mistakes are what I am, making up the brightest stars in the constellation of my life. I have come to love myself for who I am, who I was, and who I hope to become.

— Rap Monster, BTS

Riding the waves

Riding crests and troughs
Sometimes all within half a day
In a day, a week, 2 weeks
Getting quite good at "surfing" I must say :)

Keeping head high even when in a trough
Need to, have to
Else how can I continue breathing?

The going gets tough sometimes though
The heart beats fast
The knees rattle
The mind races and wanders around
The fingers tingle
The palms get clammy

Hwaiting
Hwaiting
People are cheering you on too

Keep the faith
Keep the strength
With effort, you will see results

Eye Review

Went for a review of my eyes yesterday morning.

Good news.

Left eye - condition is the same as past months...

Right eye - laser scarring has healed well....

Next review will be in a year's time.

I hope my eyes stay well...the floaters, especially those in my left eye, cause my eyes to be quite strained and tired sometimes when I spend long hours staring at the laptop.

Jiayou!!

2D1N

Jung Joon Young, you are a smart intelligent guy.
You're talented in music and you've got a good voice.
I used to listen to your songs while at work. I had a whole playlist of your songs.

Why did you not put these to good use and chose instead to dabble in vice?
Did you let your "fame" and "celebrity status" get to your head?
Did you not think that all these unsavoury activities would ultimately lead to your downfall one day?
You narrowly "escaped" a sex scandal 3-4years back. We all thought it was a misunderstanding between yourself and your ex-girlfriend.
Now we know, it was likely she was bought off and threatened by that powerful "police chief" friend of yours and Seungri's.

It's enough to drag yourself down but why cause 2D1N to suffer along with you?
Now Cha Tae Hyun and Kim Joon Ho are also affected, and their 20-years careers brought to sudden halt just because of betting between friends.
Many believe their side news are just cover-ups and meant as a distraction from the real issues related to you, Seungri, Choi Jong Hoon and the whole Burning Sun fiasco.

I hope Kim Jong Min, Yoon Shi Yoon, Defcoon and Lee Yongjin won't be too affected by all these happenings.
I hope Kim Seong PD and the rest of the 2D1N crew will keep their spirits up.
The production of 2D1N has been put on an indefinite hiatus but I'm sure loyal fans are still supporting the show, cast and crew members.

Fighting!
#RememberEachMember

Celebrating Little Victories and Appreciating Little Steps Forward

Celebrating little victories and appreciating little steps forward. 

Yeah, bit by bit...one step at a time. Slowly but surely...!

• I got the call that I was hoping to receive. While it took longer than expected and the conversation brought me some amount of discomfort, I was still glad it took place because it allowed me to confront some of things I'd been feeling and it also means things are moving. Moving forward. And moving forward is always good. 
• I feel better today, only a slight lightheaded-ness and no nausea. Yay! Lunch is digesting nicely too with not much feeling of bloatedness in the upper abdomen. 
• Came into office today and received an unexpected email from the corporate office. It was an announcement that all staff could all leave at 430pm today because it's Eat with Your Family Day. Yay!

On a side note, things I wanna do if I do go on a hiatus from work...

• Start exercising. Start my walks again. Stretching...
• Hop over to 3Arts and take up a pottery course with them....with the electric wheel, not the manual wheel
• Build one small terrarium again. 
• Declutter the house.

加油！

你可以的!

Okapi

I've been scratching my head each night now thinking of what animal to introduce to the girls...

A lightbulb lit in my head last night....and I showed them photos of the okapi...

Hahaha....they were amazed at the half zebra, half deer? antelope? creature....

Family

This was drafted back in 2014. A good 5 years ago....I didn't complete the post but it's still a valid reflection of how and what I feel.

================================

I realised how selfish I was when I was younger.

I took my family for granted. I took my grandmother's and my parents' love and care and concern for granted. They may not have shown it through the best of ways nor the most loving of ways nor used the best words but still, they cared for and loved me deeply.

Looking back, there were a few turning points and key events which happened and made me realise I was almost behaving like an ingrate.

I might have blogged about them before. Maybe even several times. I don't know, I can't remember.
But if so, then it is because I truly hold my family close to my heart and I always remind myself now that I cannot take their love for granted.

Medical....over the years.....

Sorted through my health documents...Realised that accumulated over the last several years....I have more than 10 folders related to health and medical stuff....some are no longer an issue, some are still there...

1. Dental
2. Respiratory
3. Dermatology
4. Neurology
5. Geriartric
6. Poly
7. Ear Nose Throat
8. Gastroenterology
9. Heart
10. Eye
11. Obstetrics & Gynaecology

Next stuff to sort out and consolidate properly....all my insurance papers and documents.....

Ganbatte.....

Clearing clutter

Learning how to break some things down into smaller bits. Easier to handle.
Learning how not to expect myself to finish everything in a single session. 
Learning how not to impose impossible expectations on myself.

So I'm recently clearing up the mess on my bedside table. It's a long table filled with books, the girls' hair accessories, my letters and documents, etc.

I should probably be abit more dilligent when it comes to filing away my official letters and documents.
One of my notice of assessment that I found was from 2017...SP power bills from 2017 were also in the pile...zzz.

Anyway, clearing and going through the pile of docs bit by bit each night.

Then I will move on to clearing and packing my bedside drawers and then the big drawers below my bed and then hopefully to the girls' cupboards and their clothes and toys.

When things have not been done for a couple of years...and the day to day dilligence to keep things as neat as possible was not really there...and when the girls have access to these drawers and constantly put stuff or take stuff from the drawers....the clutter and mess gets real...

Am I doing a Marie Kondo? Not quite actually. It's been on the cards for a long time...way before the Marie Kondo craze came about...

Will I throw things away because they do not spark joy? I don't know...maybe...I just go by gut feel and mood most of the time.

Things I am thankful for today

1. Helper prepared lunch
2. Boss allowed me to work from home 4 days out of 5 this week because I'm participating remotely in a meeting taking place in Japan....
3. My new phone should be coming soon?
4. While I may be lacking in various areas, the girls, especially Nadya, see me as a superwoman...
5. I have a roof over my head and aircon to beat Singapore's unbelievable humidity....

Woot...!

Happy that my left baby toe is no longer hurting...:) I can walk properly again!

Weight

Laoniang....is weighing in at 47.7kg liao.

Newest low.

Even I am starting to notice that my cheekbones and jawline are becoming more prominent.

That's 4kg off the 51.5kg that I was at a couple of months back...

I tried on my wedding ring this afternoon and found that I could wear it...though it still felt tight...
I've not been able to put it on for the longest time...I could if I wanted to but then it'd probably take a few hours to yank it out.....
This afternoon, I didn't have to yank it out...

Left Baby Toe

Nagging soreness/pain in my left baby toe.
Suddenly this discomfort appeared this afternoon during or just after lunch.

I didn't fall down or anything. BUt I think I got up from the floor a couple of times...
Somehow after lunch, I noticed I'd felt some pain in that toe...
I couldn't walk properly too. Couldn't rest my weight fully on that foot.

The baby toe seems very slightly swollen...
I hope it's just a small sprain or something...

But...

I love my kids.

I appreciate the chats we have before they drift off to lala land...that's when they sometimes tell me about their day and what they did in school or what their favourite friends did and so on...

But sometimes.

I can't help but think..

That the 1.5 to 2 hours I spend each night trying to get them to sleep.....including all the effort spent nagging and sometimes threatening them....

Could be better spent checking off the stuff on my to-do list.

Weight

On 14 Feb, I was 48.8kg.

Went down to 47.8kg 2 days ago on 6 Mar.

Now I'm back to 48.1kg.

Slightly yo yo weight but with a downward trend.....Hope it stays stable now at 48kg....

Girls.....

Nadya's current pet phrases when she knows she's wrong and at the losing end of an argument with me.

"Then I will roll my eyes at you!" OR
"I don't care what you do or say!"

And Alyssa being Alyssa, would just copy what Nadya does.

*facepalm*

Animal Planet

Tim flies. And so, it's been what...5 or 6 weeks since I started showing animal photos every night to the girls before they sleep.

Some other notable animals that I've shown to them...:

• marmosets
• narwhals
• the world's smallest frog
• beluga whales
• pangolins
• armadillos
• anteaters
• different types of snakes
• American bald eagle
• vultures
• great danes (the biggest dog)
• chihuahua (the smallest dog)
• lynxes (Alyssa seemed to like lynxes alot)
• sphynxes (the were intrigued by this hairless cat)
• mandarin ducks

Kind of running out of ideas of what animals to show them each night already haha....

This shall pass

It's a journey.
Times of ups and downs.
Times of more downs than ups right now.
But I believe that given more time, time itself will bring more ups back.
And I also think that given more time and effort and support, I myself will search for, find and bring back more ups too.

The floodgates open more easily these days.
Hair falls more easily too.

All I can say to myself is jiayou..ganbatte...你可以的!
This shall pass...

Conversations with a 5yr 5mth old

Nadya was talking to K the other day....

N: Dada, do you have air in your tummy?
K: Yeah, not feeling too good.
N: Mama has air in her tummy too.
K: Ok
N: You know, like this you won't need to carry a drum to a party. Just need to pat your tummy.
K: Trying to be smart is it?
N: No, Mama is smarter.

Haha thank you Nadya, for putting Mama on a pedestal...
Mama will strive to be someone you can look up to always...

Endoscopy + Tummy Issues.....

The endoscopy last Thursday went well. It might be a minor thing to some people but to me, it wasn't that minor...

Most people in Singapore undergo sedation to do the scope. I went without it because the doctor was afraid sedation might affect my existing heart condition, however mild that condition might be.

There was an LA given to numb the throat and oesophagus and that was it. The tube that they stuck down my throat was as thick as my thumb. I remember my gag reflex went into action the moment it felt the tube going down the throat....I gagged and retched...and gagged and retched somemore...The nurse covered my eyes and ears with a towel. Coupled with the tube stuck in my throat, it felt a little claustrophobic.

They pumped air into my stomach to distend it so they could see better. It was uncomfortable. Not painful but very uncomfortable. My stomach muscles contracted reflexively several times as well. I retched and the air came out involuntarily several times in big belches. It was pretty embarrassing. I sounded like a hog.

I was glad it was over in 5-7 minutes. It felt more like twice the time taken though.

There was nothing found. Which is good. All results came out normal from the scope. No lesions, no H. Pylori bacteria, no ulcer, no breaks in the food pipe.

I don't feel very happy though. Because while there are no major issues, the diagnosis of whatever I'm having is still a very abstract thing to grasp, and to manage, and to treat.

The diagnosis is still that I'm having "functional dyspepsia". A presence of symptoms affecting the upper gastrointestinal system. Symptoms include nausea, vomitting, early satiety, bloatedness, smaller appetite, reflux, etc.

No medication to cure. Just lifestyle changes to manage it. Medications can only help manage the symptoms abit. And the doc didn't put me on any...getting me to try adjusting lifetsyle first....only seeing him in 3 months' time. Good luck to me in the meantime.......

Feeling nausea, bloating and lack of energy (breathless) everyday. It's like I'm having morning sickness, just that there's no baby. Gets worse when I'm in office as I can't lie down to rest or anything...and the aircon and bright ceiling lights don't help much too. Taking each day as it comes.

Fighting.....