存在 - 汪峰

Not sure if I've posted this before....but this remains as one of my favourite songs with very meaningful lyrics....存在 (Exist) by 汪峰 (Wang Feng)

存在 - 汪峰

多少人走着却困在原地
duo shao ren zou zhuo que kun zai yuan di

多少人活着却如同死去
duo shao ren huo zhuo que ru tong si qu

多少人爱着却好似分离
duo shao ren ai zhuo que hao si fen li

多少人笑着却满含泪滴
duo shao ren xiao zhuo que man han lei di

谁知道我们该去向何处
shui zhi dao wo men gai qu xiang he chu

谁明白生命已变为何物
shui ming bai sheng ming yi bian wei he wu

是否找个借口继续苟活
shi fou zhao ge jie kou ji xu gou huo

或是展翅高飞保持愤怒
huo shi zhan chi gao fei bao chi fen nu

我该如何存在
wo gai ru he cun zai

多少次荣耀却感觉屈辱
duo shao ci rong yao que gan jue qu ru

多少次狂喜却倍受痛楚
duo shao ci kuang xi que bei shou tong chu

多少次幸福却心如刀绞
duo shao ci xing fu que xin ru dao jiao

多少次灿烂却失魂落魄
duo shao ci can lan que shi hun luo po

谁知道我们该去向何处
shui zhi dao wo men gai qu xiang he chu

谁明白生命已变为何物
shui ming bai sheng ming yi bian wei he wu

是否找个理由随波逐流
shi fou zhao ge li you sui bo zhu liu

或是勇敢前行挣脱牢笼
huo shi yong gan qian xing zheng tuo lao long

我该如何存在
wo gai ru he cun zai

谁知道我们该去向何处
shui zhi dao wo men gai qu xiang he chu

谁明白生命已变为何物
shui ming bai sheng ming yi bian wei he wu

是否找个借口继续苟活
shi fou zhao ge jie kou ji xu gou huo

或是展翅高飞保持愤怒
huo shi zhan chi gao fei bao chi fen nu

谁知道我们该梦归何处
shui zhi dao wo men gai meng gui he chu

谁明白尊严已沦为何物
shui ming bai zun yan yi lun wei he wu

是否找个理由随波逐流
shi fou zhao ge li you sui bo zhu liu

或是勇敢前行挣脱牢笼
huo shi yong gan qian xing zheng tuo lao long

我该如何存在
wo gai ru he cun zai

It’s happening all over again

The night terrors. 

It happened with Nadya when she was around 2 and lasted several months I think. She’d wake up screaming and crying in the middle of the night. Nothing you said got through to her and she would mumble a phrase repeatedly. Something like “don’t want” or “I want mama”. Either that or she would just be screaming, crying, struggling and rejecting everyone who tried to touch her. 

It’s happening to Alyssa now too. Sigh....she’s been waking up screaming for a couple of days now.

And for some reason, Nadya has had pee “accidents” during the night more frequently than usual. I think it’s happened twice in a month already. When she was doing very well over the last 6-8months! She just peed on her bed and dripped onto my tilam on the floor as well.

What’s happening here? Transition to new classes leading to behavioural and sleep pattern changes? 

Jiayou jiayou.....*fighting*

Of lollipops and charity

Lollipop time is always happy time!

Taken after a grocery trip to Giant at Parkway Parade the Saturday just past. We had gone there buying some items to be donated to an old folks’ home through their school. Stuff we bought were bath towels, fleece blankets and milo powder.

I tried to explain to Nadya why we were buying the things. I hope she understands. At least she could tell me that “the grandmas and grandpas were lonely and didn’t have money and that we were buying them Xmas gifts”.

yin yue

Is 37 too old to be falling into the kpop craze?

Mando pop/rock still holds a special place in my heart though. Afterall, I was fan of 933FM for a good 12-13 years?

Musical accompaniments

Not literally...but music was an accompaniment to my otherwise drab working day today...

Whose music was there with me?

1. GEM
2. Namewee (yes, surprising....but he has some nice stuff)
3. Wanna One (Daniel Kang is cute in a way...jialat I may be falling into a kpop abyss)
4. Henry and Yiruma's collaboration for "River Flows in You"

Monday 4 Dec - the day the chilli padi reared her head

We brought the girls to Kinder Clinic in the evening. For Alyssa's persistent runny nose and developing cough.

While waiting for Alyssa's turn, Nadya read a book that was in our bag. That happened to be Alyssa's favourite book. In her 2-year-old mind, that was her favourite book and hence, that was HER book. 

She saw Nadya reading it and got riled up. She went to grab it from Nadya who held onto the book and refused to let go. 

*bam* Beast mode. 

Alyssa scratched Nadya's face. That small little thing with the sweetest face....is actually a little chilli padi lah. 

Nadya was so shocked and in pain that she bawled immediately. Alyssa, after being scolded by yours truly, started wailing as well. 

And this was all unfolding in front of the other small kids and parents in the clinic. So paiseh....

In the end, Nadya suffered from 3 cuts/scratches to her lips and 1 bigger scratch on her nose. Poor thing...

As for Alyssa, she did say sorry on her own accord, but only 5-10mins later. And they ended up hugging as well so it was touching to see. 

Today's Thursday. Nadya's scratches are still visible but healing quite well. Scabs have already formed so I expect them to fall off by this weekend. 

Long weekend last week

It was a hectic weekend last week. The school was closed on Thursday and Friday so it became a super loooooong weekend for us.

Thursday 30 Nov - blowing bubbles in the carpark and then to the small playground below our block in the morning. Went to OneKM for an early dinner following by a 30-min kids show where we saw Angelina the mouse and her friend Alice, Mike the Knight, Thomas the Train and the highlight of the show, Barney and friends. Had waffles and ice-cream after the show, to the girls's delight. :) It was the first time ever that Alyssa had ice-cream I think. Mouthfuls of it haha.

Friday 1 Dec - we brought them for breakfast at Resorts World's Macdonald's and then to the SEA aquarium in the morning. The girls were wowed by the colourful fishes inside, by the dolphins and big manta rays and by the sharks. They got to touch starfishes but got scared by a black sea cucumber and refused to touch it haha.

Saturday 2 Dec - breakfast in the morning was at the new SingPost Centre, followed by grocery shopping at the NTUC there. In the evening, it was dinner as usual at my parents' place. The girls kinda went wild over there, screaming, squealing, laughing, giggling and running all over the place.

Sunday 3 Dec - For the life of me, I can't remember what we did on Sunday morning lol. In the afternoon, we went for Nadya's swimming class as usual. When we got home, the girls insisted on going for a walk. We relented. Which invariably led to them wanting to go to the big playground at the park near our place. And so we went...haha.

The Sisters

Brought the 2 girls to the doc last evening. There were many people at the clinic and the dispensary took a long time with the numerous prescriptions.

I brought the girls downstairs to wait while K settled the bill and their medications.

The girls were quite excited and ran around the lobby of the building. Nadya was on a high...buzzing here and there. Both were shrieking, squealing, laughing, giggling...

And there were moments when they hugged, held hands and played with each other. Short fleeting moments but they were sweet and I was glad I managed to witness them. Nadya gave Alyssa a peck on her cheek too at one point, to which Alyssa responded with a big cheeky smile that crinkled up her entire face.

Living for moments like these that make my heart go fuzzy-wuzzy.

And then of course right after such moments, they morph back into crazy little shrieking people and make me lose my patience.

Hmm

It was a thumbs-down moment for me. 

Someone I’d known for more close to 15 years texted me with a “How are you dear?”. He’s a guy. We were closer once but we’ve hardly kept in touch in the last 5-6 years.

I thought it was nice of him to have touched base and reached out. I responded with some stuff and asked him how he was doing too. 

There was no response for several days. 

And then suddenly there came a text. But all it contained was a reference to an article he had written on LinkedIn and a shout-out to read the article. 

I did not respond. I found it a little distasteful and a little...I don’t know...disappointed? Dismayed? 

I felt like as I had been disarmed by the initial text and opened up myself. I responded sincerely with genuine information. But for several days there was zero acknowledgement to what I had shared. He didn’t care a hoot about what I’d said. And then instead after that, I suddenly found myself becoming a recipient of unsolicited marketing. (He runs a training business, motivational talks and coaching that sort of thing.)

When I received the article link, I immediately wondered. Was I just one of the many he mass-texted with a “How are you dear?” And was I just one of many who received he article link too? 

I was also suddenly reminded of another occasion where the same happened. I brushed it off the other time and didn’t think too much of it. But a second time....bah...

Maybe I am judging too much here. Maybe I have mistaken his intent. I don’t know. 

Am I judging too much? 

Hermit

老娘i今天anti-social。不想跟太多人说话或接触。 连好朋友KH和同组的同事想约我一起吃午餐我也都拒绝了。打包了pasta，想躲在自己的空间，自己的cubicle边吃边上网。

越老越像hermit crab哈哈。

或可能是前三天在周围太多声音，太多杂声，小孩子们也一直在身边叽里咕噜。。。前个星期同事的下属也一直在问我东西。。。现在我只想平静一下，平复一下。

niam

It's important to have good staff working under you. Otherwise....有时候真的是吐血.....

Conversations with a 25month-old

Earlier this evening. In the car.

Alyssa: Mama, I want keys.
Me: Oh, you want a kiss? *puckers up and leans in* *gets stopped by a chubby hand*
A: Noooooo!!! I want keys! *points*
Me: Oh. Keys. CHEY.....

===============
Earlier this evening. In the same journey. Nadya was fussing in the car.

Alyssa responded several times with “shhhhhh” to shush Nadya up.
K and I were frustrated with Nadya. But we couldn’t help but smile at Alyssa’s response haha.

===============
The helper had her day off today and when she came back, Alyssa was trying to tell her that we went out earlier in the evening.

A: Auntie Hope, we go out somewhere. We eat um-um. Yummy!
Helper: Where did you go?
A: There!

===============
On Friday evening.

Me: Alyssa, can you count to 100?
A: Yesh! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14.......100!
Super shortcut lol.....!!

I knew it!

Alyssa woke several times during the night last night. She was screaming and asking for me.

I was thinking that she might be coming down with a fever soon...

And voila. Her form teacher just called.

She's running a 38.4C temperature.

K's gone to fetch her home from the school already.....
My sweet little happy pill....sigh...:(

I hope she sleeps better tonight. And I hope Nadya will be ok. She was acting out last night as well...
May this Mama get sufficient rest tonight...!

The Dam

It finally broke. At 3am in the morning. 

Triggered out of pure frustration, anger and desperation. 

Nadya has been crying every single night since 2 or 3 weeks ago. Every single time she wakes up to pee. Which is usually twice a night. And on rare occasions, 3 times. And she takes long to fall back to sleep. Half the time she needs to fuss before she falls back to sleep. 

I don’t know what happened. What changed. It wasn’t so bad previously. 

She whimpers and kicks several times during the night and a he talks at times in her sleep as well.

I’m tired af. Finally cried. At 3am. Was so frustrated at her senseless crying and fussing earlier on after she got up to pee. 

She fussed a lot before she slept as well. I had to clench my fists to stop myself from screaming. I had to sit facing the wall for 5-10mins to keep myself sane and not lose it. 

Tired. Frustrated. Raw. 

Lagging on some work stuff as well. And on some personal things to do. 

I want a break. 

From everything. And everyone. 

Hurt is when

Your younger girl says “I don’t want Mama!”.

3 times.  

In her fussy, sleepy, crying, messy state.

While being carried by the helper.

She’s never done that previously. I’m upset. Quite upset. Very upset. 

My firstborn

I know I have a sensitive and emo girl - Nadya. But I didn't know she feels that much.

I promised her she could watch a short video the other day. It was a video of Belle (from the 1991 cartoon Beauty and the Beast) going out in the snowy wilderness and getting trapped in the waters of an icy lake when the thin layer of ice on the lake's surface broke. The Beast turned up at the last critical moment and rescued her. Belle was so exhausted and traumatised that she was limp in his arms.

It was a 4-min video I think. When it ended, I turned to look at Nadya and her eyes were already teary and red-rimmed. I got a shock and immediately hugged her.

Turned out that she thought Belle was going to die and she felt so sad that she started tearing.

:(  My sensitive little girl....
Maybe I should be more careful...

Kim Joo Hyuk

Kim Joo Hyuk's death in a bad car accident on 31 October was a shock to many in the Korean entertain industry. And to his fans as well as those who watch 2D1N Season 3.

It was somewhat of a shock to me as well and for several days after that I did feel a little down.
Afterall, I'd watched all 200 episodes (almost 200 I think) Season 3 episodes from end 2013 to date over the last 8 months or so. And I feel rather "close" to the 2D1N members of Season 3 (past and present)....

He was only 46, at the prime of his career and he was planning to marry his girlfriend as well...

Rest in peace KJH, Gutaeng-hyung.
I hope you are reunited with your parents now and having fun with them on the other side of the rainbow.

Me these days

Testy
Irritable
Sensitive
Impatient
Frustrated
Teary
Tired


Various things to be done
Various things to remember
Miniscule things
Bigger things
Some grating team-mates


Need more patience
Need more adrenaline
Need more zen


Need to learn how to pick my battles
Need to remind myself that some battles can be fought later on, at the right timing

Dad

My Dad's turning 75 in 2 weeks' time.

It doesn't quite hit me yet that he's of that age till I wrote it down. Our parents are really getting older...I'm glad they are still relatively mobile and independent.

He's getting old. But his bad temper is still there. Obstinate like an ox at times. Feisty and crabby too. He may throw a fit and complain till the cows come home but at the end of the day, he will usually still reluctantly give in to my mum if she is persistent enough.

The one thing that turns him into mush is probably his 2 grand-daughters hahahha.

Mum & Dad argued on the phone yesterday. We were having 3-way conversation and he slammed the phone down on the both of us. He's never done that before and while it didn't really surprise me, I was still a little taken back that he'd felt so strongly about the whether to buy a new fridge for their home or not.

Anyway....I'm hoping the both of them will work out something. As they've had for the last 40-odd years :)

Conversations with a 4yr-old

During bathtime last Friday.

Nadya: Mama! Look at my pee! It's yellow. *grins*
Me: Erm yup...
N: Is it only Singaporeans' pee that is yellow? Or (all) humans?
Me: All humans darling....depends on how much water you drink too...the shade of yellow will be different.
Me: I think animals' pee is yellow too....

Bio lesson? Lol...

Mum

Mum was discharged last Friday i.e. 27 Oct, after a couple days' stay in the hospital.

Her CT scan, ECG, heart echo, blood tests were ok. She didn't manage to do a proper stomach endoscopy though. And that was where they discovered what was wrong.

She has a narrowing of her esophagus, which explains why she had difficulty swallowing stuff in the 2 weeks before she was admitted. Each time she swallowed food or even water, she would experience pain in her chest. The hospital also discovered a small white protrusion within the esophagus, just above the narrowing. They managed to scrape a portion of it out to do a biopsy. She lost about 2-over kg.

They were supposed to get back to us this Monday on the biopsy results. It's Thursday already but we've not heard from them yet. I suppose this is good news. No news is good news right?

All we can do now is to wait till Nov 15 for her next appointment with the hospital.

In the meantime, she's eating rather light foods and chewing everything into very tiny pieces before swallowing. She's taking strong antacids and other strong anti-acid medication to combat her acid reflux.

She's a little frustrated at having to eat just mee sua or porridge everyday and has started experimenting with tiny pieces of pandan cake and chee cheong fun. All good so far so she's happy about that.

Jiayou mummy!
I hope you don't lose anymore weight.....

I don't mean to be mean but....

So a Facebook messenger group chat was set up like 4 years ago for my primary school class.
There was a gathering at that time but I didn't attend it as I was in my last few weeks of pregnancy.

Someone revived the chat this morning. To inform the rest of us that an ex-classmate's mother had passed on. Details of the wake were also shared and we were encouraged to send in messages of support and love to the chat. Someone suggested pooling funds and sending a wreath to the wake. 

I don't mean to be mean but....

• When the initial message came in to notify us that so-and-so's mum had passed on, I was wondering who that so-and-so was. I simply couldn't recall that classmate at all. When I finally remembered roughly who she was, I couldn't put a face to the name.   
• I've not seen nor spoken to that classmate for 25 years. After we went our separate ways after the PSLE, I did not keep in touch much with my classmates...
• I don't think I would (i) contribute anything to the wreath or the wake, and (ii) drop by the wake.

While she shared maybe 2-3 years of primary school life with me, she was not part of my life for the next and more important 25 years and I don't think we would reconnect anytime soon too.... 

To my P6 ex-classmate:

I'm sorry for your loss...My deepest condolences to you and your family. I hope your father is taking it well too. It sounds cliched but it's true, time does wash away some of the pain so take heart. Jiayou. 

Of red angry faces, heaving chests, hot tears and LOTS of screaming

I think...I will be hearing more squealing, shrieking, screaming and squalling in the years to come. The girls fight at least once each day. 

Last night was a big fight though. I was not present and the helper didn't seem to know how to pull them away from each other. By the time I heard the commotion and went over, the thing they were fighting over was torn.....

Before: A lovely document bag given by my brother to Nadya for her birthday. It was given on 7 Oct at their party. 

After: A huge gaping slit by one side of the bag.

Each girl was holding on to a bag handle and having a tug-of-war. By the time I reached them, both were on the floor. Nadya was half squatting. Alyssa was almost lying on the floor and using her legs as well. The small one was screaming like a banshee and both girls were crying like nobody's business. 

I had to pry Alyssa's fingers away from the bag. She protested vehemently. She usually comes to be for comfort though so even though I was wrestling with her, she gave up and kind of just wanted me to hug and comfort her. While still screaming like a mad banshee. 

Nadya needed less comforting though she was pretty upset as well. 

The bag was squirreled away and tucked in a corner of my room. So they both didn't get it in the end. 

15mins later after I calmed Alyssa down and distracted her with other stuff......I found them playing together again. Laughing and giggling like nothing happened just before that. 

I have Jekylls and Hydes in my home lol. 

Conversations with a 4yr-old

Nadya is getting more.....articulate and analytical and sometimes her matter-of-factness stumps me. Hahaha....here are some of our recent conversations....

===================
On 4 October, just before bed. Totally random.

Nadya: Mama, if Rapunzel's hair is so long, then how will she pee and poo? Won't her hair get into the toilet bowl?

I literally laughed out loud at her question. :D
It's a practical question to ask though. In all my 37 years, I never thought of it haha.

===================
On 17 October, when the school was closed and we sent her over to my inlaws' place but not Alyssa.

Nadya: Mama, is Meimei going there too?
Me: Nope.
N: Why?
Me: Yeye and Nainai might not be able to watch the 2 of you at the same time. (lame reason I know...it's just become a habit that we leave only Nadya with them there haha.)
N: Noooo. There are 2 of them. Yeye can look after me, because I like Yeye. And Nainai can look after Meimei. Right?
Me: Yeah...oh well...(changes subject)

She's getting to the age where we can't just randomly blurt out an excuse...

===================
On 20 October, some fuzzy wuzzy small talk while we were lying in bed about to sleep.

Me: Nadya, why are you lying so close to the edge of your bed?
N: Because I thought I could marry the edge of my bed.

I was stumped at that point because I thought it was a witty reply. "Punny" in a way.
Lay close together mah...you lie close to someone when you get married mah...right right?
But the more I think about it, the more what she said doesn't make sense to me hahaha.

===================
On 21 October, Saturday morning.

Nadya: I am here. It is here that I am.

So random again....and....so philosophical!
I really have no idea where she learnt this from. Maybe from school?

17 October 2017

I turned 37 that day. So I'm officially in my late 30s now.
A little scary to me though.

When I was in my early to mid-twenties, 37 years old seemed old, and established, and mature, and stable.

Now I'm actually 37. But I don't feel that established, mature or stable. And it scares me somewhat that 40 is just 3 years away. 3 more years and then I'll receive my Eldershield letter from the government. Yikes.

But I'm thankful.

For K, for the 2 princesses, for a roof over my head, for loving parents, for caring parents-in-law, for good friends, for a stable job, for relatively stable health.....

Embrace the 30s!

==========
The school was only operating for half a day that day, so I decided to just not send the girls to school. Alyssa stayed at home and Nadya went over to the inlaws' place. And while Alyssa had her lunch and afternoon nap, we went out for a nice lunch. (Don't worry, the helper was still at home watching her.)

We went to Strong Flour at Katong V. Lovely handmade pasta. We had 3 mains between the 2 of us lol. And then we went home and I managed to snooze for around 1.5 to 2 hours before Alyssa woke up!

Simple celebration. But it was enough for me.
No big bangs or pizzazz for me. I'm a simple girl who prefers quieter things. :)

Mum

Just got news that Mum checked herself into A&E this morning.
She asked to go because her tummy issues had been present for several days. Medication from the poly doctor didn't seem to have much effect.

She's been having trouble with her reflux and also had trouble swallowing. She has discomfort after eating and poor appetite.

Sigh...:(

Take care mummy....
Pending updates from Dad.....

a little....

disappointed.

that some friends of 24 years didn't wish me on my birthday.
do i expect too much? i don't know.
thoughts of "you shouldn't hinge your happiness on what others do" are floating in my mind.
rightfully so too.
chill babe.

==========
disappointed.

that after all these years, I am still a doormat at times.
i've improved much compared to last time.
just that when i encounter assertive or bossy people, I still sometimes acquiesce, especially if they are within family or close friends.
chill babe.

==========
hopeful.

nadya seems to enjoy dancing quite abit. and she seems to be into speech and drama as well.
i hope it brings her out of her shell more and helps her get more confident.
she is also opening up more these days. she managed to buy bread on her own the weekend just past, with some guidance from me.
kudos to her for trying. proud of her.
baby steps.

==========
hopeful.

although alyssa is in her "i don't care, i want it and i will scream if i can't have it" stage right now, she is more flexible and also open to alternatives compared to how nadya was at the same age.
even if i go ahead to do something against her will, and she bawls terribly, she takes a faster time to recover as well and with less pandering by me.
which is generally good. need to guide her more. but we're starting on an easier slate. 
baby steps.

Laments

frustrated.

lazy colleague looking for quick answers. bugging me for the simplest of things.

==========
exhausted.

but it's only 11am. tahan. had 5hrs of sleep with 3 interruptions in between.

==========
queasy.

bloated and nauseated. due to lack of rest and i don't know what else.

==========
groggy.

everything feels abit too bright today. the lights in the MRT, the lights in office, the sky outside.

==========
unmotivated.

maybe demoralised as well. the coll's team will be expanding soon. and i am still stuck as an OMO. difficult to progress like this.

==========
teary.

partly from yawning. partly from feeling a little emo.

==========
jiayou.

hang in there. tahan. hwaiting. you are not the only one dealing with such things.

7 Oct 2017

We held a birthday party on 7 October for the 2 girls. Same thing like last year, but bigger.

Although Alyssa's birthday had passed, we decided to still combine both their celebrations together since their birthdays were only 2 weeks apart. (Alyssa's birthday was on 24 Sept and Nadya's was on 9 Oct)

We invited some of Nadya's classmates (and their parents) and also one of Alyssa's classmates. We also invited our immediate neighbours and their kids. There was balloon sculpting and face painting as well. Food was great, thanks to the team at The Garden Slug.

We were in luck as well because there happened to be 2 art exhibitions taking place and the cafe walls were adorned with various art pieces. There were watercolour on wood pieces as well as oil on canvas pieces. There were animal paintings and portraints, and mermaid pictures and some of dolls too. It was a colourful atmosphere befitting of a birthday party!

I think Nadya enjoyed herself thoroughly. She was very well-behaved and fed herself her lunch while seated with her best friend. She responded confidently when engaged in conversation by the balloon sculptor and she was also able to hold her own when conversing with one of my neighbours. She danced on the mini stage in the room with her friends, sang loudly and pranced about too haha. It was lovely seeing her enjoying herself.

Alyssa was somewhat subdued this year though. I think the poor girl was a little overwhelmed by the number of people milling about and she couldn't understand why so many familiar faces were altogether in the same place, like both sets of grandparents, her paternal aunt and maternal uncle, and even her classmate and her classmate's parents haha. She clung to me like a baby koala bear most of the time and only agreed to take pictures with her schoolmates when Nadya was around. She was so tired when she got home after the party that she slept for a good 3 hours.

Thanks to all who attended....
The girls were happy and excited with the presents they received and.....
My house is now flooded with toys, books, clothes and other stuff from Frozen. I'm seeing Elsas and Annas everywhere lol....

8 October 2017

It was our 6th ROM anniversary on Sunday. So fast.

We held our ROM ceremony earlier and separate from our customary Chinese wedding. Mainly because of my Granny. She would not have been able to attend our Chinese wedding dinner and I wanted her to be part of our celebrations. So we did an ROM lunch instead.

We went to True Blue Cuisine and booked their private room. It was cosy, it was intimate, I loved it. Only immediate family members were present and we had a delicious Peranakan lunch.

I brought a pink diamante hairclip and pinned it onto Granny's hair. She looked so sweet and when she smiled, her eyes shone brightly. Her mind was a little fuzzy by then but I believe she had her lucid periods during the ceremony and she was aware that I was getting married.

Funnily, we've not gone back to True Blue Cuisine after our ROM there. Not once in 6 years I think lol. Maybe we should bring the girls back there for a meal one of these days.

Worry is

...when your scalp, the part where they cut open during surgery 12 years back, has ached for several days...

:(

waste of time

I don't profess to be someone who is extremely good in English. But I think my grammar is still sort of passable.

It pains me that I am editing 12 articles which we paid a professional copywriter to do up. Several thousand for 12 articles and anther 2 more articles in December. Chockful of typos and grammar mistakes which should not have been there in the first place.

This is not work that I would expect from a copywriter! No checks on quality? Goods were not delivered on time as well.

Heng. This is not my project. I'm just covering someone.

Past. Present. Future.

No. Not about tenses.

About the mind. My mind.

Too much focus on the past. Too much reminiscing.

Why do I live in my memories? Both the good memories and the bad ones. I don't know the answer myself...

Is it because I find comfort in the past? Is it because I'm scared of what the future brings so I tend to dwell on the past?

Do I miss out on the present because my mind seems too centered on the past?

How do I re-jig my mind?

Ear Worms

What's drifting out of my earphones today?

1. Jung Joon Young's playlist
With my favourite song of his "Sympathy" on several repeats. And his duet with Roy Kim "Becoming Dust" on many repeats as well.

2. Jung Yup's It's Love
I'm very much in love with this particular OST from the drama "Doctors".

3. Goblin's OST
Because while there were some dips, the Goblin fever has quite ended yet....:) Chanyeol & Punch's "Stay With Me", Crush's "Beautiful" and Sam Kim's "Who Are You" are my favs from this playlist....

4. The King & I playlist
More because I miss listening to "Shall We Dance" and "Getting to Know You". :)


Suddenly realised I'm listening to more Korean stuff these days haha....

Wednesday

Happy Mid-Autumn Festival everybardee! 

Early morning tio giap between 2 man-spreaders on the train lol. Hope one of them gets off before me! Lol....

Get well soon sweetie

In gist:
Small wound on right elbow from hitting a door frame at home. Scratched the scab off. Wound bled again. Scratched somemore. Bacterial skin infection. Touched wound. Touched other parts of body. Now skin infection spread to torso and left elbow also. PD gave antibiotics yesterday and need to use antiseptic cream as well. Running a fever and nursing a phlegmy cough today.

Get well soon Peanut....:(

Music. Life.

So who's accompanying me at work today?

Fred Astaire and Frank Sinatra

and also....

Zhou Sheng and Jung Joon Young haha...

From jazz to Chinese and korean songs...

Yes, I listen to a wide range of music... :)

I hope the girls like music too next time.

Conversations with a 2yr-old

Peanut's speech is suddenly improving exponentially.

Each week...no actually, every other day, she seems to be saying something new or surprising me with something she says haha. She still babbles sometimes and mispronounces things but you can clearly hear her intent and there is also a structure to what she says.

====================
She poo-ed in her diapers the other day.

She came to me and said:
"Meimei poo poo. Mama change you. Auntie Hope no."

Translation:
"Meimei just had a poo. Mama, please clean me up and changed me diapers for me. I don't want Auntie Hope to do it."

====================
We were at Jalan Sayang just last night. We went to the opposite neighbours' place and stood at the gates looking at the dogs there. One was a Pomeranian, the other one was a Shih Tzu.

Me: Alyssa, which dog is cuter?
A: *blur* (I think she didn't understand the word "cute")
Me: Alyssa, which dog is prettier?
A: ME!!! (without any hesitation)

Lol....it was a hilarious "facepalm" moment.

====================
Some of her favourite phrases these days:

"Zard poo poo."
Translation: "The lizard poo-ed. Or the lizard is pooing."

"Who is that?"
And she would say this in a deeper voice.

"S'wan. I want s'wan."
Translation: "I want this one."

====================
Animals sounds that she can make these days:
Dog, cat, duck, chicken, bird, cow, goat, sheep, donkey, monkey, snake, bee, frog, owl, mouse.

Animal names that she can say clearly these days:
Dog, cat (though she still prefers to refer to them as "wou wou" and "meow meow"
Owl, mouse, duck, frog, elephant, bird, bee, sheep

Animal names that she is still trying to master:
butterfly (fly)
chicken (kern)

====================
And....her first Chinese words to me came over the last weekend when she said "喝水" to me. :)

====================
Some of the songs that she roughly knows and can either hum along to or sing the last word of some sentences....

Shall we dance - Yul Brynner & Deborah Kerr in The King & I
Do, Re, Mi - Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music
Because it's Singapore - our national day song for 2017
Where I belong - Tanya Chua
Let it Go - from Frozen
Rasa Sayang
Mr Sun - from Barney & Friends
BINGO - Nursery rhyme
Brown Bear - Nursery rhyme
Twinkle Twinkle Little Star - Nursery rhyme

....amongst others....

*breathe*

Stress is when........

1. You send out a draft warning letter to your legal team for vetting. It goes out to them 100% in black text in a word doc. Then it comes back to you with tracked changes. 95% of the document is now in purple amended text and yellow highlights. And many comments within the text as well. Now you need to go through the proposed changes one by one and reply to all the legal team's comments and requests for clarification. 
2. Your colleague was out of action for August and September. You've been covering her for some aspects of her work. And now your boss is asking you to suddenly take on more pieces of her work as her medical leave was extended till end Oct. Some of the work is not straightforward and requires you to read up and gather background knowledge on the project before you can do anything. But the project is already underway and there are deadlines to meet. Fixing the wheel when the car is running.....boo. 
3. Your kids' birthday party is coming up and the vendor screws up your order of goodie bag items. NB. Now need to waste extra time to work with them on a solution. 
4. Your younger girl's wound doesn't seem to be healing and now looks a little puffy. Kind of like a blister. It's worrying that her skin seems to be very sensitiv, especially to wounds and insect bites. A mosquito bite can swell up to a red bump of 5cm X 2cm and end up leaving a mark on her leg. :( There are several such dark scars/marks on her legs already....;( 

一只鸡，一只鸭

Instead of packing from home, I decided to get breakfast from Subway this morning for a change.

In front of me in the queue was an older auntie, maybe 50-plus 60 years of age. Poor lady couldn't converse much in English. And the unfortunate thing was that the entire staff were either non-Chinese or non-Chinese foreigners. I think there was only 1 local staff (who happened to be Indian) amongst the crew of 5.

I had to help the auntie order and was her proxy to decide which bread to choose, which vegetables to add to her breakfast sandwich and which sauce to take.

Sigh...wonder how many of such situations are there around Singapore?

The elderly who can't speak English and getting hindered at establishments where they only have English-speaking staff.
The elderly who can't speak Mandarin and getting hindered at establishments where they only have Mandarin-speaking staff.

Another good example. My Dad and his friends are all kantang Peranakans in their 60s, 70s and 80s who simply cannot handle Mandarin at all. They get extremely frustrated at foodcourts where stall staff are China-born Chinese who cannot speak English or Hokkien. My Dad came home one day and ranted his head off because a Chinese stall helper got his order wrong and he had to spend an extra 10-15mins trying to rectify his order...

More questions again

Had an hour-long Whatsapp chat with the mother of one of Nadya's classmates.

We lamented and also wondered if we were slacker parents. Because other parents were sending their kids to enrichment classes left, right and centre. I recently found out that another of Nadya's classmates is attending Chinese and ballet on Saturdays, and English and Math classes on Sundays.
And our kids were playing masak masak at home or hanging out in malls.

On one hand, I feel we need not tax the kids so early...On the other hand, I'm scared Nadya will start lagging behind.

How like that? ...... :(

Nevermind....I shall mull over it abit more....

First up, swim classes for her....this is a life skill she should have.

I hope she is interested in music classes too...Academic classes...maybe in the next 1-2years?

I didn't have such stuff when I was young. No enrichment and only Chinese tuition simply because my parents were hopeless in Mandarin. Sigh...we all still ended up ok right?
Hmm.....Has the climate changed so much in 30 years?

work

Not concentrating well at work these days.

Why neh? No idea....Could be any of the following or a combination of them.

• Just xian. Or in Korean "kern-yang" (no reason)
• Fatigued. Lack of sleep.
• Fatigued. No work motivation. 
• Boredom. No new stuff at work. 
• Just me.

zzz

This whole Presidential Election 2017 thing....is one big fiasco.

Enough said.

Jiejie

Never a good thing when your kid wakes you up at 2am and asks for tissue paper.
In my case, 99% of the time it means that Nadya is having a nosebleed.

And so yep....she woke me at 2am and then again at 530am. She had nosebleeds both times.

Complained of tummy ache at 6plus but couldn't poo. Made gagging sounds a couple of times and finally, she vomitted twice at 7-plus. She retched quite badly the first time round....sigh. Her vomit even had bits of blood in it. Remnants from the nosebleeds she had during the night.

To the doctor we went, after dropping Alyssa off at school.

I hope her tummy settles soon and that this was just a one-off thing.

Their birthday celebration in school is next Friday! Both need to stay healthy!

Terrible Twos are here again....

Alyssa got angry when K and I chided her for playing with the shoes in our shoe rack. She was rubbing the soles of the shoes on her face and body. She was throwing the shoes around as well.
She threw a shoe down in defiance and stomped on it.

When I chided her again for doing that, K chimed in as well. She got more upset and threw a smack on his face. I think she narrowly missed him but she immediately turned to me and took a swing at my face as well. I was at that point in time kneeling on the floor to be at her level. My glasses were hit. Luckily they were not damaged or she would have gotten it from me BIG time.

Both K and Nadya know that I am very sensitive about my glasses. I do not allow the girls to touch them at all. Alyssa will need to learn this. I'm sensitive because I used to only have a single pair of glasses. If that gets broken, I'd be blind as a bat. Given my high myopia, I'd only be able to see things clearly if they were like 10cm from my face. Anything further than that and it would just be blobs of colour in my vision.

Anyway, I digressed.

After Alyssa hit both K and I, I was furious and brought her to my room, away from the "crime scene", away from Nadya and away from our neighbour who happened to be standing near our doorway taking to us. That 5-10 second walk back to my room helped calm me down a little. I spoke to her again and explained what she did was wrong.

She refused to listen to me and walked away whenever I got within 1m from her. Her tiny lips were fully pursed and she stomped her feet while getting away from me. I guess she made sure to show me that she was not happy about the whole situation as well lol.

In any case, I managed to speak and explain to her after she had calmed down abit more. She then came over to hug me.

On hindsight, I realised I forgot to get her to apologise for hitting K and I.
Opps.

Oh the arrogance

Met a conceited and arrogant taxi driver this morning.

The proud cuckoo rejected my route (PIE/KPE/MCE) and confidently told me that "PIE got jam". "Anyway, your route is so long. Go one big round also. Uncle show you a shorter way."

He thumped his chest when he said "Uncle show you!"
If he were a peacock, he would have been fluttering his plummage in my face by now.

In my heart I was thinking that I've tried out all routes before and I think my route is still the most direct, even if there is a jam. But well...the usual doormat-that-doesn't-like-conflicts me just said whatever, we'll go your way if you're so confident about it. I was tired and couldn't be bothered to talk much.

My eventual fare of $25 ended up being $4 more than the usual $21 or $22 in the morning peak traffic.

When he stopped the car, he conceitedly asked me: "How??? Uncle good or not? Good or not?? Good right??!!" He said it with a straight face. It wasn't a simple proud moment. He was just being arrogant and downright egotistical.

I told him: "No. Not at all. My usual fare is just $21."

I still paid him $25 but left with no pleasantries. I usually wish the driver a good day before I exit the car.

He shut up as well.

Anyway, I didn't quibble with him over the extra $4.
Let that be a lesson to me not to give in to conceited taxi drivers in the future. I had no time anyway as I was rushing for a meeting too.

Just that I started the workday in a not-so-good mood. Bah.

Insurance

Met up with our insurance agent during lunch today near my office. K was there too.

Glad we finally met with her to get the edu plan settled for Alyssa.
So now H&S and edu plans are all settled for both girls.

Time to relook at my own stuff...

I hate these $$ and number issues because I simply cannot understand them.
Guess that's why the first D I ever got in my life was for Financial Management back in Uni year 1.

I'm spending a fair bit of $$ each year on these things...I'd better buck up on my understanding!!

rant

When I travelled frequently in the past, I cleared my work while on the go. It was only the rare minor task that needed my physical presence which I couldn't do and needed someone to help cover.

I wonder why I'm covering 2 person's job when they are travelling next week.

FML?

More questions

10 more days on 17 September, I'll be hitting my 10th year anniversary in this place.

I think my brain synapses have stopped forming or slowed down alot, given the long years spent doing almost similar tasks.

A part of me is content for things to be status quo. Afterall, family and the kids are of a greater priority to me now. And I'm also mighty afraid to try something new.

A smaller part of me is also wanting to transfer out and be in a new department to do something new. It has been at the back of my mind for the last few years.

In fact, I was due for a transfer when I found out I was pregnant with Nadya. I held back and did not go ahead with anything as I wanted to focus on the pregnancy first. And then after that, adjusting to life as a new working mum. The transfer thing just took a back seat. And then Alyssa came along and things just became as such...

Part of my fear of transfer is that I won't enjoy as much flexibility as I am having now. The flexibility to be able to leave on time to go home and spend maybe 30mins or an hour with the girls before they go to bed. The flexibility to work from home if needed. The flexibility to arrive late at work and not get chewed on by the boss when I get held up by the girls in the morning.

And then there's this other option constantly at the back of my mind.

Part-time work? Maybe work 3 days a week? Axe the helper and do all the chores ourselves? Will finances be affected drastically? What else can or should I do? Should I explore this now or when Nadya gets older and goes to primary school? So I can spend time with her on her primary school foundation studies as well?

Will I get myself into more of a fix with part-time work? Will I end up multi-tasking too much and not achieving anything in both work and home?

What gives?

What should I do?

Reminder to Self

Sometimes, things may seem common sense to you.
But others can't see it. Nor do they understand it. They need to ask. And ask again if need be.
Before they can comprehend and see the whole picture.

That staff has been around for the last 10 years.
And has worked for at least 15 years more than I have.

Nevermind. Patience. And understanding. And empathy.
Patience, understanding and empathy wins the day.

Another reminder to self.
Frown less when being serious.

Wednesday

Wet, weary, woeful, withering.

Dreary day.

Bad back.

Nasty nose.

Woe is me.

Dinner engagement this evening at 6pm.
Hope I can tahan!

*sniff sniff*

Telfast D to the nose's rescue?

Staycay

We had a staycation last Thursday & Friday. It was a 2D1N thingy at Rendezvous Hotel.

I'm not sure who enjoyed it most though lol...K and I were deadbeat tired.

We had room service for lunch on the first day. Nadya enjoyed it pretty much and fed herself quite okay but Alyssa was a handful. She was playing with her food and cutlery and climbing all over the sofa more than eating. Eventually, Alyssa vomitted her lunch out on the first day and we brought her to the PD clinic near our place in the evening. She had also vomitted the previous day and we were getting worried. Doc eventually diagnosed her as having stomach flu, on top of the cold that sh was already nursing and fighting.

So much so for a staycation hahaha....We dabao-ed dinner back to the hotel room to eat in the end.

When it was bed time, the girls' rejected the hotel's cots and they ended up on the queen-sized bed. K got relegated to the floor and he slept on the cot mattresses. I was on the bed with the girls and didn't sleep much at all because Alyssa woke every hour for the first few hours. Then Nadya threw a hugeass tantrum at 3am in the morning. The girls had also slept later than usual because they were not used to the room.

I'd always known that Alyssa slept in a "chor lor" manner. I didn't know she was THAT chor lor. Nadya pretty much slept within a particular area. At the most, her arms were spread wide. Alyssa on the other hand...rolled from left to right and then back to the left. She got up to a yoga child pose position, twisted herself, lay flat on her back and then lay flat on her tummy. And on and on. And of course, amidst all these "action sequences", she was sometimes on me, on my arm, on my thigh, etc. Plus I was punched by her a few times. Chor lor. Really chor lor. Lol.

Breakfast was pretty ok. Alyssa, after taking medication, managed to keep her food in. There being not much around the hotel in the morning, we just took a leisurely stroll to SOTA and Cathay and then back. Along the way, we ran a little, we took pictures, we played some games, we looked at trees and flowers and we took more pictures :)

Will we do another staycation anytime soon? I don't know haha...maybe not. ;p

Questions

Do well in a mediocre school or do mediocre in a good school?

Be in a mixed race school or in a school dominated by Chinese and whose curriculum is heavy on the Chinese culture?

audit period

My team is in the midst of an internal audit. Definitely not the first time we've been audited by the internal audit team.

But erm....it's the first time ever in our 20 years' history and in my 10 years tenure here that my area of work is being audited.

FML!

I have a feeling I will receive quite a few audit observations. Just a matter of whether the lapses are severe, moderate or minor. :( I admit I've not been the most compliant....but hey, I started out with no process in place ok...and I slowly built them up over the years....

*fingers crossed*
*toes crossed*

Hope I don't kena too many observations....

Of careers and jobs and progression? Or the lack of...

My current boss is a nice guy. A people person. He's more of a "get everybody involved and everybody discuss together" kind of boss. He's not afraid to get his hands dirty and muddied in operational matters and he is rather independent in terms of admin issues. He has a PA but doesn't rely on her much. 

He's a techie and he's also experienced, having assumed several different managerial and leader roles over the years. He's quite lor sor though and can be quite abit of a broken record at times. He was even seconded to Brunei and led their government tech agency as their Director-General for a good 5 years.

Despite his experience, when he returned to Singapore, he remained a Deputy Director and was not promoted to a Director. And I wonder why. At his age (he's in his early 50s)and in his current role as our boss, I doubt he has enough key and strategic responsibilities to be promoted to be a Director. 

I see some of his traits and work style in me. And I wonder what my path would be if I am still in the same agency 5, 10, 15 years down the road...

Of course, from my current SM position, I still have many years to go before I hit an Executive Manager or Assistant Director position...and only thereafter will I hit a Deputy Director position. In the current team where I am comfortably at, we are already quite top heavy and I am fully aware I won't progress anymore. 

We spoke last week again. On the possibility of some role switching and some restructuring of our team. He mentioned he did consider putting the marketing function or customer service team under my care. Let's see how that goes...talk is just talk sometimes.....

人，大，小，天，口

These days, Nadya's scribbles and drawings include Chinese words and characters...
她长大了...*emo wail*

Number 2

Alyssa is progressing at her own pace. Slowly but steadily.

She's finally starting to speak in slightly longer sentences. "Mama, jie jie where?" or "Dada there. I want."

She can sing Twinke Twinkle Little Star fully though her diction is still rather unclear.

She is able to self-soothe a little. Sometimes when she gets upset over something, she wails and then runs into her room and grabs her blanket and her favourite teddy bear. And then she's okay, even if her lips are still pursed. :)

She is still our happy pill...Cheerful and happy and smiley and charming.

My firstborn

It started raining earlier tonight.

Nadya woke and said to me, "Mama, I think it's raining. Did you bring in the clothes?"

My heart melted. I felt touched that she actually remembered that this is what I do when it starts to rain.

It's at times like this when I don't feel like I have a soon-to-be 4-year-old girl. She seems so mature for her age sometimes.

Nadya

She's gotten a lot braver compared to before. At the goat farm a few weeks ago, she fed and petted the baby goats on her own. 

And at the Animal Resort, she fed the horse, the rabbits and guinea pigs on her own! She used to either cower behind me or I had to hold her hand to feed the horse!

She's growing bigger day by day. *beams*

Nosebleed...

Nadya has always given me middle of the night shocks with her nosebleeds. It happened more often when she was 1 & 2 years old...then it slowly tapered off.

Thereafter it was only once in a blue moon. For a long time, like maybe 6months to a year, she didn't get a nosebleed. Then suddenly 1-2 weeks ago she had an episode. And last night again. :(

I hope she grows out of it soon. And I hope she stops picking at her nose!

...

Seeking affirmation for my frigging whole life.

When will I ever be enough? For myself and for others? 

Patches

I did a patch test on 1 Aug to determine if there were any allergies which might have caused my lip dermatitis. I had to put on the patches for 2 full days before removing them. I couldn't wash my back and even after removing them, I still couldn't wash my back till after I saw the doc on 4 Aug. So the entire process took 4 days.



The result?

I'm allergic to Fragrance Mix and Cinnamyl Alcohol (which is found in Fragrance Mix as well). Fragrance Mix is a combination of 8 of the most commonly used chemicals used to create fragrances. Any combination of these fragrance chemicals can be used in a wide range of products like toiletries and toothpaste.

When I heard it, I wondered if I needed to change all of my toiletries and cosmetic products to something fragrance free. Thank goodness the doc only advised me to switch my facial wash and toothpaste to a fragrance free brand since it was only my lips that were flaring up.
Managed to grab some Simple products yesterday.  Using paraffin wax and steroid gel on my lips too.....

Here's to better and more chio lips in the days ahead!

Pek Chek

...is when you try to help a colleague with a piece of work to improve herself and to minimise customers getting back to her with questions because they simply don't understand what she is trying to say in her emails.....

....but the colleague doesn't get what you're doing and doesn't want to improve...

Feel like I'm talking to a wall.

Sigh. 

$$$$$

One of my business partners is a young guy. 4 years younger. But heaps richer lol.
He started his business with another guy, who is maybe 1-2 years younger than him. That makes them 33yrs old and 32yrs old this year.

They started their business back when they were 21 or 20. Built it to an impressive size....and yesterday, the first guy, who's on pretty ok terms with me, updated me that they'd sold their controlling shares to a publicly-listed company in Australia. I did not ask what the transaction value was. Nor did he share with me.....

After our conversation, I googled about it. And my jaw dropped.

The deal was valued at S$30million.

OMG lah. When will I ever see such an amount of money? Gosh.
Rupee and rupiah maybe can haha.

As it is they already came from well-to-do families, now their coffers are spilling over. The rich get richer.

But I don't deny as well these 2 guys are smart, entrepreneurial, hardworking and absolute go-getters. I know they worked their assess off in the early days of their business, pulling in 15/16 hour days or even more...becoming their customers own 24/7 technical support (their in the hosting and domain name business) when they couldn't afford to hire enough staff.

Hats off to them for pulling this deal off. :)

Alyssa

I was engrossed with our own wedding anniversary and our proposal anniversary....that I forgot about Alyssa's 22months special day.

She turned 22 months on 24 July!

Our little happy pill is picking up new words everyday. While her enunciation is still quite rudimentary, at least she can communicate with us alot more these days.

She's quite fearless and runs around in the playground or attempts to climb various things. Nadya used to stand and freeze at the playground, especially when there are many others around. Nadya also didn't dare to climb many things and has only started being more adventurous in the recent half a year.

She's still smaller than what Nadya was at the same age but I just upped the amount of her night-time milk and hopefully that helps to bulk her up a little. :)

She's still a charmer. So many have called her a doll and when she smiles, she melts all our hearts haha.

She's a protestor now. As all 2-year-olds are. The minute you say no to her, she wails and/or throws a tantrum on the floor. Quite the drama queen.

Looking forward to seeing how she's gonna develop over the next few months! :)

Conversations with a 22-month old

Me: Alyssa can you say "good night"?
A: goo nai
Me: I love you
A: urrf yoo

===============
Me: Alyssa can you say "elephant"?
A: fern
Me: air-lee-fernt
A: fern
Me: AIR-LEE-FERNT
A: FERN!!!

===============
A: *makes a buzzing sound*
Me: Bee?
A: *nods*
Me: You want the bee biscuit?
A: *nods*
Me: Say please.
A: Peesh. *waits expectantly*
A: Peesh mama. *waits somemore*
Me: *doesn't do anything*
A: Peesh mama. Kate. KATE!!! I want!!

Awkward Skype Call

My colleague and I had a Skype call yesterday with our Malaysian counterparts. The call was initiated by them as they wanted to find out some things from us.

The Chinese lady leading the call on the other end is quite a straight person. No nonsense. Policy-abiding type. She had 3 other colleagues with her. I was leading the call on my end, with only one other colleague with me.

So the lady tried to engage me in some small talk first before diving into the proper discussion. I'm all for making people feel at ease and setting a friendly atmosphere to the call...But, I don't wish to engage in forced small talk longer than necessary. It was a painful attempt by that lady yesterday...While I appreciate her effort, I think we'd all be better off if we limited that exchange. My colleague was grimacing and rolling her eyes at me.

It started simply enough with the usual pleasantries.

She: Hi Michelle! How have you been? It's been awhile (since we last caught up)
Me: Hi YL! Good good. Things have been ok on our end. And yourself?
She: Oh the same. You know lah.

Then it started getting weird. To me, we should have introduced our teams/colleagues to each other at this point and then gone into the discussion proper....but she apparently didn't think so...

She: So.....so......What's your working hours like? What time do you guys end the workday?
Me: Oh erm...6pm is the official knock-off time.

Then it started getting draggy too....

She: Oh so what's the unofficial knock-off time?
Me: Some people stay abit longer if they need to clear their stuff.
She: So what time do you guys get off work usually?

My colleague grimaced and rolled her eyes at me.

Me: I used to OT from time to time but with kids these days I try to knock off on time everyday.
She: Oh hahahaha.
Me: *awkward laughter*

And it went on for a few more sentences before I decided to kill the awkwardness and asked her what they wanted to check with us.

That is not how you do small talk and engage in pleasantries....
Nope...that was pretty awkward. :)

22/7

22nd July. T'was our 5th Chinese wedding anniversary.

Oh how time flies! 

I remember we kind of just missed it altogether last year cos we were busy with the kids and work and other stuff. 

It was not a rushed and hushed thing this year and we managed to get a lovely Japanese lunch at Ikoi! 

Muacks! 

We went from 2 peas to 4 peas in a pod within 3.5 years from our Chinese wedding lol. 

24/7

Today is 24/7 i.e. 24th July. 

A colleague told me that it's the day that married couples should reaffirm their love for each other and that they would love each other 24/7 always. 

So witty. Love each other 24/7 always i.e. 24hrs by 7 days always. 

I told this colleague that K proposed to me on 24 July 2011. And he said: "Wah! That means 'love you 24/7 一生一世' leh!!

I'd never thought of it that way haha. But it sounds so romantic when my colleague pointed it out. 

My response to him? 

"Nah. My hubby probably chose that day/date coincidentally and didn't realize what the date meant too! Lol!" 

;p

sigh

various things
myriad things
work
family
the girls
self
medical appts
home
helper
friends
kin-keeping
relationship-keeping
career
future
finances
insurance
eyes
health
........
.......
...
..
..
.
.

The Girls

Nadya. Head thrown back

Her laughter shrill and merry

A kid’s innocence

Alyssa. Joins in

Her big eyes bright and sparkling

Kids merry-making

Self-dev

July will still be a month focusing on patience and posture.

Maybe I'll add in "a haiku a day" into the mix for July too?....

A little demoralised

Middle of the year is when I feel this way. Cos that's when a majority of my checkups take place. 

• 22 June - dental
• 28 June - blood test
• 6 July - heart checkup
• 14 July - derma appointment 
• 1 Aug - derma patch test (may have another follow-up)
• 7 Aug - neuro checkup 

Not including the gynae and eye clinic checkups I had earlier this year. 

And so, after delaying for 2-3 years, I finally went to see a dermatologist this morning. For my lip dermatitis or aka peri-oral dermatitis, which seems to be getting worse over the past year. 

Was given paraffin ointment to use on a daily basis instead of petroleum jelly. Also given antibiotic cream if there are any fissures. And also given steroid cream for occasions of flare ups and inflammation. 

Jiayou...

Cabbing

Took cab to work 3 times this week.
And took the cab many times again yesterday afternoon when I had to rush from office to school to bring Alyssa to see the doctor and then fetch her home.

Too much cabbing this week.

Pockets protesting. :(

Ching-gu

Which means friend in Korean...

Had a longer than usual lunch with Kah Hui today. She had attended a course on Emotional Quotient last week and we spoke at length about it.

Like how she did a test and discovered that she seemed happy but actually wasn't, and that she scored low on confidence and how her usual perception is quite different from reality.

We're quite alike on various counts and it's nice to be able to talk to her and try to work out how we can improve certain aspects of ourselves, be it in the workplace or in our personal lives.

Some areas where we are similar include:

- low risk appetite
- delve into details (sometimes maybe too much)
- low confidence
- worrier
- seem happy on the outside
- emphathetic

Cheers to girlfriends and cheers to girlfriends in the workplace!

Time flies

Nadya hit 3years and 9 months old yesterday. She's turning 4 pretty soon.
And I've suddenly realised that she's grown up quite abit over the last 6 months.

She can help out around the house, sometimes even voluntarily helping me to clean up her own room. Though I think she trashes it more often than helping to clean up haha. She'll put her own dirty clothes into the "dirty clothes tub" in the utility area. She can bring her own dirty dishes or bottles to the kitchen sink. She can brush her own teeth and keep her standing stool when she's done....

She listens more these days too and you can reason things out with her. She still gets her mood swings and has her tantrum-throwing episodes but they've gotten progressively lesser compared to before...

She sometimes helps to look after Alyssa too and dishes out impromptu hugs to Alyssa. Though they still have their daily fights and squabbles, it is more than half the time initiated by Alyssa. (That little peanut is turning out to be quite a tyrant. Terrible twos are here...)

She is more confident of herself these days and is more open when meeting new people or being in new situations.

She still enjoys her books and now also enjoys practising how to write numbers and alphabets. She's learning to enjoy her new 4-wheeler bicycle too.

We can leave her alone for periods of time and she would go find her own activity to occupy herself. Be it playing with Alyssa and conjuring up some mischief, or quietly reading a book in a corner, or practising writing, or drawing/scribbling on a piece of paper...

She's no longer afraid of ants and even squashed one with her bare hand haha.

She's no longer as apprehensive at the playground near our house and the one near my inlaws' place. She can climb up the staircase made up of just metal rails with nothing in between...and can climb up the slide on her own. She used to be so timid and didn't want to attempt these things.

She's also taken to eating her chicken, pork and fish already in recent months!

She's slowly but surely blossoming....and it warms my heart to see her grow....

My firstborn. *hearts*
Who, though still sticky to me, is getting more independent day by day....

Grow well sweetie...!
Mama loves you so much...!

hmmm...

忍一时风平浪静, 退一步海阔天空

有时候, 就算你知道你自己是对的而对方是错的, 但也不需说太多做太多
硬强迫对方接受，和对方理论反而会弄得大家都不开心

take a step back and close the issue
no point in arguing or pursuing your stand too much
not when the other party can't see your view or refuses to budge
just close an eye and take it with a pinch of salt

of course, it also depends on who you're dealing with
loved ones or close relatives...yes I'd back off...
my relationship is more important to me than whatever petty thing we were talking about

will this cause 内伤?
cos sometimes I do feel a little indignant inside even though I choose to back away....
I don't know

maybe I'm just a true Libran....avoider of conflicts and just wants peace and harmony....

Conversations with a 21month-old

Alyssa started speaking later than Nadya did. But she's learning and picking up things fast, especially when she started toddler class. Her pronunciation and diction still needs alot of work though.

--------------------

Me: Alyssa, what's this animal?
A: Fern!
Me: Yes, it's an elephant!

--------------------

Me: Meimei, what do you want?
A: Zin.
Me: Huh?
A: Ziiinnn!!
Me: Oh you want raisins?
A: *nods*

--------------------

A: Mama shee! Mama shee! *points*
Me: Oh, that's a bird!
A: *nods excitedly*
A: cheep cheep!

--------------------

A: moon moon! where?
Me: oh there's no moon tonight. Maybe it's hidden by the clouds.
A: MOON! Where? Where? No more.

Conversations with a 3yr 9month-old

We were in the car, talking about dinner for the day.

Me: Nadya, Popo will be cooking your favourite fish for dinner tonight! What's your favourite fish?
N: Pop friend!
Me: ??? You mean pomfret.
N: Ya, pop friend!

lol....

Biggest wish at the moment

Right eye is turning red again.
I can see blood vessels snaking out from my inner eye to my pupil. And some redness emanating from the pupil area back to the inner eye area.

I've been woken up anywhere between 2 to 5 times a night for the past week or so....or has it been longer? I can't remember.

Both girls wake multiple times a night. At times, Nadya wakes because she was disturbed by Alyssa's wails.

I'd cringe inwardly with envy whenever a new parent tells me that his or her baby has been sleeping through the night from the age of 3 months, 4 months or 5 months. At times, when they announce this to me, I cuss in my mind too...alot.

My older kid is turning 4 in 3.5 months. She still wakes at least 2-3 times a night. Once or twice to pee. And sometimes once or twice to drink milk. I can't refuse her milk because either she can't get back to sleep thereafter or she would kick up a fuss and slowly dissolve into a pool of toddler manic.

As for the younger one, she's recently either been having bad dreams or she's not eating enough dinner or I don't know..........but she wakes up screaming in the night at random times. One night it could be at 12am and 3am. Another night it would be at 1am and 5am. While she's not hysterical, she does scream and cry loudly and half the time, it seems like only Mama can get her to shush up.

I don't know what to do really.
I've tried feeding them more. I've tried turning on the air-con. I've tried it with only the fan on. I've tried laying out less toys and bolsters on Alyssa's bed. We've even changed mattresses.

It's been almost 4 years. In that amount of time, I've not had a single stretch of 6 or 7-hour sleep on a single night.

God, please bless and protect the girls so that can finally sleep well on their own and not wake so many times each night............

give a man a fish or teach a man to fish?

There is a junior officer who tends to ask for help before even trying to figure things out for herself.
Maybe she's trying to take the easier way out. Maybe it's become a habit after more than 20 years of working.

She asked me a question today. While I could have given her the answer in 30 seconds. I gave her a URL and made her read through to find the answer herself, with some guiding questions I gave her.

I used to tell her whenever she looked to me for answers: "Then give me part of your salary lah...since I'm doing some of your work for you."

But I have recently changed tactic and provide her indirect answers or a general direction to go so that she has to work her brain abit and figure out the final answer herself.

Am I mean? I don't know.
I just felt I couldn't just keep giving her answers so easily and must make her work for it.

Oh well. My style.

What gives?

Today was good. Just didn't expect the evening to be yet another challenging episode.

2 crying kids. 4 frazzled adults. Frayed nerves all around.

Mama trying to keep the kids, especially the older one, settled down.
Mama being "educated" by the mother-in-law about what to do and how to handle the situation.
Mama faced with either scowls or concerned furtive glances from various folks.
Mama being told that the older kid is only like this when mama is around. (So my fault ah?!)
Mama being told that she is not firm enough. (You have not seen me scold my kid in my own home. You might also have a different parenting approach to me so let's agree to disagree ya.)
Mama feeling frustrated at various things and at the situation but still needing to stay or at least show herself in a calm and happy state so the kids don't spiral down into a crying abyss again.

I'm happy. But at the same time, I'm frustrated.

What gives?

Hoorah!

I woke this morning feeling more energised and rested.

Maybe both body and mind know that today is the last day of work for the week.

Maybe it was because Nadya only woke me once instead of twice.

And maybe it was also due to my tummy feeling better. From Mon to Thursday, my tummy was bloated and uncomfortable. It made me nauseated at times. My heart was also palpitating from time to time and I was groggy half the time. My allergies (to dunno what) were acting up too and I was itching at various places, including my eyes and nostrils. I was a walking, itching zombie with a bloated tummy.

I took anti-histamine pills for the last 2 nights. Maybe those helped a little. I still feel itchy but less so.

Anyway, hoorah to feeling better today!

心里不平衡？ lol...

Male colleague.
Older than me by 4 years.
Same rank in the company.
Possibly earning more due to NS and that he has worked longer than I have.
But I feel I'm doing more work.

I know.

人比人气死人.

But how not to 比when he asks me for help on things and issues that should be common sense. Or that should have been foreseen and planned for. Or that should not even be asked in the first place?

Bah.

Simisai

The floodgates open too easily these days.

I teared up when I watched a local video about how members of the public and the OtterWatch group came together to protect the Marina Bay otters from being hurt by the Bishan family of otters. The public had stepped in because the Marina Bay otters had 5 young pups in the group and they had also recently lost their alpha male (affectionately named Marina Dad) to poisoning by some inconsiderate asshole.

Like what? Simisai? Watch people protecting otters also can cry?

I am too emo today.

Getting too stressed and tired and emo.

Can I just drop everything, hide in a corner and watch 2 Days 1 Night the whole day?

Art & Craft time again

I was amassing a bunch of toilet rolls at home. The inner cardboard roll I mean, not the toilet paper itself.

I was intending to do some art and craft at home with Nadya for the longest time but haven't had the chance to. I admit, sometimes it was because I was lazy and bummed out.

So it's quite timely that her Chinese school teacher sent an email out to all parents last week, about a Chinese home DIY project that the children are supposed to do and submit by 23 June. Basically it's about recycling old or existing items at home into something else.

Voila. I shall do a toilet roll pen/crayon/art-brush holder with her. :)

I'll plan out a concept by this afternoon and then start on it tonight with her...
Do a little each day and hopefully by next week we'll have something nice for her to bring to school.

Balance. Not.

A part of me is happy.
A part of me is not.

A part of me is lost.
A part of me is not.

A part of me is settled.
A part of me is losing my shit.

A part of me is clear.
A part of me is fuzzy.

A part of me is calm.
A part of me is frustrated.

A part of me is......
A part of me is......

Bah.

A guy recently added me on FB. It took me quite awhile to remember him. His name was familiar but I'd forgotten how, when and where I knew him from. I think we went out for dinner once maybe 13-14 years ago too? Went to a restaurant in Dempsey I think. We were short-lived colleagues in DuckTours. 

We'd never kept in touch so I'm not sure how he suddenly appeared through FB. 

He dropped me a FB message too. I got cheesed off. 

Why?

Because it started with "Hey babe". 

Cue *roll eyes*.

Hello. One, I'm not close to you at all so don't act chummy and "hey babe" me. Two, I have zero liking for any guy that uses "babe" with a girl. Even my closest closest "known-me-for-25-years" guy friends don't "hey babe" me. Only some close girl friends do so. 

duh...

I do up a document. I send it to the team.
They come back with amendments.
And I have to amend their amendments because of grammar and other typo errors.

Abit waste time eh?

*pfffffttttt*

Oh but anyway....life's like that sometimes....

Of goodbyes and take cares....

These 2 weeks has been about departures and impending farewells.
Part of life I guess...people come, people go...and each leaves an imprint in your life in his or her own way.

And so Maryann our previous helper left on 31 May evening...we've been coping pretty ok so far.
Except for Alyssa being much more clingy to me. Especially in the initial 3-4 days after Maryann left. She's slowly adjusting to the new helper, Hope, and Hope has managed to put her to bed for the last 2 nights. That's really good I think. Anyway, I'm still giving Alyssa as many hugs, cuddles and kisses as I can. ;)

Boss just shared that a long-time staff of our team, Jane, has tendered her resignation....She's been with the team since 1999 I think. While she had pre-empted me of her plans 2 months ago, I didn't know when exactly she would be throwing in her towel. Well, apparently it's now....sigh...end June will be her last day....

My ex-boss, who officially retired in October 2015 but is still around as an advisor to the team....will likely not have his contract renewed and he will leave us in April next year. There will be 2 long-serving staff leaving soon...quite sad on one hand...but happy for them too if this is what they want....

小开心

Happiness at work is when.....

- Your boss called you and the other 2 colleagues (who are more senior than you, both in age and rank) into his room to discuss something.
- He listened to all our views and suggestions.
- And then he finally agreed whole-heartedly with your suggestion and dismissed the other 2's suggestions....

***WOOT WOOT***

Haha...cheap thrill.

Maryann

And so in a blink of an eye, 4 years has passed. 

Maryann first arrived at my inlaws' place in July 2013. Just 3 months later Nadya was born and poor Maryann had to assist the confinement nanny in the kitchen. That nanny was apparently a messy one and messed up the kitchen quite badly. 

When we shifted out of my inlaws place, Maryann was still around. Nadya was only 9mhs old then. 

She stayed for a total of 2 years at my inlaws' place and when my MIL didn't renew her contract, we decided to hire her instead. Especially since Alyssa was on the way at that point in time. 

She joined us in our home in June 2015, 4 months before Alyssa was born. I was still Alyssa's main caregiver in the initial months but after I went back to work, I left the nightly duties of caring for Alyssa to Maryann. I couldn't handle 2 kids at night. And both my kids happen to be milk guzzlers. They'd wake in the middle of the night asking for milk. 

In a blink of an eye, another 2 years has passed. 

This time round, it was she who didn't want to renew the contract. Maybe she was tired of the interrupted nights, maybe she missed her own 6 kids back home. Maybe she really wanted to go home for good.

Maryann just left the home at 1030pm. K fetched her to the airport for her 1am flight. She cried before she left, as she stood in Alyssa's dark room looking over the sleeping little girl. She gave her a kiss goodbye. She then went over to my room to give the sleeping Nadya a kiss goodbye as well.

It was a dramatic farewell. The skies opened up and poured the moment she left the house and brought all her luggage with her. 

"Take care madam. Thank you for everything."

I could only smile and nod. I'm bad at such farewells. I don't know what to say. But in my heart, I was saying "Thank you too. Thank you for helping us so much. I think you'll miss Alyssa a lot. She will miss you a lot too."

We promised to send pictures to each other either through Whatsapp or Facebook messenger. (Thank god for technology these days)

I think I'll miss Maryann. She's the only helper who has seen me pregnant and give birth to both my girls. She's the only one so far who has watched both girls grow up till now and who knows their likes and food preferences. She's the only one I trust leaving Alyssa at home with. I hope the new helper (incidentally named Hope) will be as good a help as Maryann was. 

I wish Maryann well and hope that her business plans and ideas do come into fruition when she settles back down in the Philippines. 

Take care Maryann. Maybe we'll see each other again someday. 

The Coll again....yes, I'm ranting.

I've come to realise some of Coll the Troll's strategies for survival in the workplace.

• bully the weaker
• if can siam, then siam
• just keep saying "I'm very busy"
• just keep saying "I don't know how to do" 
• if it's a strong arrow, initial effort is still to find excuses to siam first. Failing which, then reluctantly acquiesce 

I'm fair. She's not entirely without merit. She can work well if she wants to. She has some substance as well. But her EQ and teamwork is like f**k.

FFS, you're Grade 12. You're an Executive Manager. Please justify your grade can?

The Coll

Throwing your team-mate under the bus is not cool. 

Throwing your team-mate under the bus for an issue that you clearly know is not her area but yours, is downright dirty.

I'm cold, tired and still feeling unwell. And that's why I won't waste my energy fuming over your actions. 

Anyone could tell you were pulling a fast one. Even the boss. I'll leave it at that. 

You tried chatting with me after the team meeting. I only accorded you the barest courtesy I could muster up at that point, which manifested as "mm-s" and "hmm-s". 

My conscience is clear. And I know I'm a team-player. You're clearly not.

Monday Morning

Missing the girls terribly.

I miss hugging them.
I miss hearing Alyssa's happy, infectious laughter.
I miss hearing Nadya's maniacal giggles.
I miss the feeling of Alyssa patting my arm or shoulder when I'm carrying her.
I miss the feeling of Nadya's twiddling with my fingers.

I miss making milk and honey for Nadya.
I miss getting cheese for Alyssa.

I miss the pitter patter of their feet on our marble floor.

9 more hours till I see them again.

I don't miss their squabbles though. :)

Something strange

There was a strange blip in the blog stats.

From the period of mid April till 18 May, there were multiple views of my blogposts. Which is erm...actually quite unsettling. Cos who reads this blog these days anyway???

Traffic source was from some URL based in the US. Each blog post during that period averaged between 30 to 45 views. Which is unprecedented. Which is also why I feel unsettled about it.

Anyway, things seem to have tapered back down to normal already for the last few days.