Nausea, lightheadedness/giddiness.

Fainting spell in office on 4 Feb around 12-plus. K had to come pick me.

CNY Days 1 and 2 - I was just trying to keep it together when we went from house to house. Felt tired, light-headed and sometimes breathless. Nausea was on and off. Luckily there were only 3 houses in the day and 1 in the evening on Day 1. Skipped mum's house on Day 2 morning and only popped by my inlaws' place. Had a fainting spell on Day 2 evening when we went out for dinner. Walked from the carpark to the restaurant and I felt faint and was panting. Low sugar? Sigh..I dunno.

Days 3 and 4 were spent at home. Was on MC and on leave.

Weekend was uneventful though I wasn't feeling well still. Nausea and light-headedness came in dribs and drabs.

Monday - CNY Day 7 - aka everyone's birthday.... I was a little tired but otherwise ok in the morning. But by the time I reached office, I felt a little off. Thought it was because I didn't have anything to eat yet so I had some breakfast. The feeling didn't go away and the nausea came back. I felt like retching and slowly shuffled to the toilet. Don't think anyone would be happy if I really ended up throwing up in the office itself. Retched a couple of times in the toilet but nothing came out. Lightheadedness was still there and heart was beating faster due to the retching. Decided to go see a doc. (again).

I hope whatever is causing this goes away soon.

Animals

We talked about more animals in the last few days:

1. Rabbits (specifically giant Flemish rabbits and dwarf rabbits)
2. Vultures
3. Bears (brown, black, grizzly, sun)
4. Chicks
5. Anteaters
6. Boa Constrictors (Nadya requested for this)
7. Hippos
8. Guinea pigs
9. Pigs
10. Squirrels
11. Budgerigars
12. Monkeys (specifically macaques and gorillas)

Nadya, being older, seems to understand more of all the snippets of information about each animal that I try to share with them. Alyssa is content with looking at pictures of the animals and sometimes trying to share her 2 cents' worth. :) 

It's a whole lot of information sometimes but I hope they do learn and remember some of it...

Well, I know they do remember that flamingo babies are not born pink. :) 

Acid Acid Go Away....

The acid reflux choot alot of power today.
Even after medication, I still couldn't eat much for breakfast and that "lump in the throat" feeling (aka globus sensation) is quite strong. Constantly feeling like there's something stuck in the throat.

Only managed 1/3 or half an egg sandwich and then I felt maxed out. Tummy felt so stuffed and throat felt like it couldn't take in anything more.

Was it due to me waking up 4-5 times last night cos of the girls?

Fighting!

Weight this morning: 49.5kg....

Weight

Weighed myself this morning. I was sub-50kg. 49.8kg to be exact.

Not eating well and not eating much for 2-3 days made me lose 1-1.3kg.

Part of me is happy that I lost weight. Part of me is not so happy that I lost weight cos of health issues...But oh well, hope I can fit better into some of my old dresses now.....

Hwaiting

There are good days
There are bad days
Some days I do better
Some days I do worse
Then I wonder if I am losing my shit

The trembling
The nervousness
The unease or panic or terror that sometimes comes

The tightness in chest
The deep breathing needed
The urge to cry

The self-talk
The pep talks
The meditation music

The need to be stronger
The expectation to be stronger
The want to be stronger

Avoiding
Hiding
Cowering

The acid reflux
The stomach issues
The eyes
The heart
The brain
The mind

The worry of being a burden
The worry of bringing down others
The worry of ....

Don't dwell
Don't be afraid
Don't worry
Be happy
Be open
Be optimistic

Try
I'm trying
Try again
I'm trying
Try harder
I'm trying

Alone
But not alone
Alienated
But not alienated

Weak smiles
Forced laughter
Nervous laughter

Face your fears
Perservere
Hang in there
Fight on
Exercise

Waiting
Hwaiting
This too shall pass?

Losing weight
Losing appetite
Can't eat well

Hwaiting
Waiting
All these too shall pass?

The night is darkest before dawn comes?
May the sun shine
May the rainbow appear
May the birds chirp

Hwaiting

Alyssa's Milestone!

I had an unexpected proud mummy moment last night...

K and I were standing in our main doorway talking to our neighbours. Nadya and Alyssa were playing in the living room. The helper was in the washroom.

Suddenly Alyssa came over to me with her undies and pants in her hand, i.e. she was naked from waist down.

A: "Mama, I pee pee."

I thought she peed her pants and removed them herself but when I touched them they were dry.
Me: "Do you need to pee now? Let's go."

A: "Noooo, I pee pee already!"

Me: "Har really??!!"

She looked at me proudly and said:

A: "Yah!!"

I went to check my bathroom...True enough...
She did pee in the toilet bowl! All by herself! At age 3yrs and 4mths! Milestone!! Yay yay yay!

Somehow she put the baby toilet seat onto the toilet bowl, climbed up to sit and relieved herself, came back down, tore some toilet paper to wipe herself and then happily went outside to inform me about it. She also did everything in semi-darkness as she's too short to reach the light switch for the toilet.

Nadya was only wiling to do go to the toilet by herself when she was 4. That said, she's still only willing to do so during the day....If it's in the middle of the night, someone still needs to accompany her...

Ok....so now...all that's left is.....to train Alyssa up for going diaperless in the night...........
Major challenge...ganbatte to all of us!

health woes

Had trouble swallowing yesterday morning. Throat felt like it had a lump in it. Felt like this since Tuesday night.

Went to work on Wed morning, took a bite of my breakfast, and felt that sensation again. Food also took longer to go down the food pipe and I had to keep drinking water to make it go down. I felt a little gagging and also some nausea. Ended up going to a GP, who referred me to CGH's AnE (yes, AnE again). AnE doc said it didn't seem like anything was wrong or in urgent need to fix and so she referred me to the ENT doc.

ENT doc stuck a scope through my nose down to the throat and finally said....I had acid reflux. Said the acid was causing my throat to be irritated and due to the irritation, it feels like there's a lump in my throat. The esophagus was also irritated, which was why I could feel the food going down slowly as well. Like as if the food was getting stuck.

Was prescribed 3 months worth of Omeprazole to control the acid production. I've not decided whether to take the full 3 months...but I'll take it for at least 1-2 weeks...to quell the stomach hopefully.

After not eating much for the entire day on Wednesday, I weighed myself this morning and realised I lost a whole kg. Eating much better today...maybe the medicine is working to reduce the acid...
There is still some nausea and bloating (which I read online are also symptoms of acid reflux) here and there...which I hope can clear up in the next few days..

Doc said...to skip spicy stuff, caffeinated foods/drinks, citrus stuff, and oily stuff....Read online that chocolates, garlic and onions cause acid reflux issues to be worse also...sigh...

Need to eat clean clean clean...................................

BBC? Discovery Channel? Animal Planet?

In the recent 3 or 4 days, the girls and I have taken to talking about a few animals each night before they go to sleep.

In a bid to distract them from always asking me to show them cartoon videos before bed, and in a bid to minimise the crying and or fussing when I reject them, I tried this out and it surprisingly worked! I hope this becomes the new norm. Sure beats dealing with fussy and crying girls before bedtime haha.

I'd show them pictures of the animals we were talking about that night, and then share with them whatever information I knew of those animals. Depending on their level of interest, I sometimes dwell longer on some animals than others. The girls would also ask questions. Some are good questions actually. Good sensible questions that I didn't expect them to ask. For example, Alyssa asked me how to zebras drink water and whether they had to spread their front legs wider to reach the water like how giraffes did.

I kind of feel a little like a BBC channel or a Discovery channel or Animal Planet on legs haha. I hope they learn from these sessions

So far....we've covered the following animals:

1. polar bears
2. lions
3. tigers
4. cheetahs
5. leopards
6. wolves
7. foxes
8. flamingoes
9. baby owls (Alyssa specifically requested for baby owls and not the adult ones haha)
10. seals
11. walruses
12. giraffes
13. pandas
14. red pandas
15. swans
16. shetland ponies

Let's see....what animals should we do tonight...gorillas? eagles? hyenas? 

Eyes...windows to our soul?

2 weeks since my last post.

It's 28 Jan today. It's my first day back at work after last week's fiasco? happening? incident?.....

And so, on 22 Jan, I went for my eye checkup with the retina specialist. We reached at 8-plus and only saw the doc at 10am. Was told that the right eye's retina had some small holes that needed to be mended through a laser procedure. The procedure was to be done that day itself and would take less than 10minutes.

K and I waited till 12pm and then it was my turn for the procedure. As with all procedures and surgeries I've been through, including 2 c-sections, the doctor would explain what would happen next and run me through the whole thing. There would be preparations and pre-empts for the patient.

When I went into the room, I was told to sit down and a nurse put numbing eyedrops for me. I was told to put my head on a machine and look to my right. Then to my surprise (and horror), the procedure immediately started. No pre-empt, no explanation nothing. While fast, the whole process was uncomfortable and I felt pain from the laser shots.

What followed next was very unnerving. One of the scariest moments of my life actually. I wasn't even that scared when I went for my brain surgery or my c-sections...

I opened my eyes but couldn't see out of my right eye. I could only see the colour red. A solid wall of red. I was brought back to a seat in the waiting area and I sat down next to K.

I remember feeling very unwell. I remember telling K that I had no time to prepare myself and the procedure took place suddenly. I remember telling K that I was feeling very unwell. I was starting to pant and could feel myself becoming faint. When I opened my left eye I could only see grey/green vision. I think I told K I was going to puke and faint. I could vaguely hear him telling me that it was ok, that I should be thinking too much, that I should try to relax....I could feel the blood drain from my face. By then he'd called a nurse since I said I was going to throw up.

I vaguely know nurses were around me. I could hear one of them saying that I was very pale and that I should be made to lie down cos my BP was very low. (I found out later that my BP was only 75/37.) I remember breaking out in sweat even though I was in a cardigan. I remember a nurse pricking my fingertip, my left index finger to be exact, to check for my sugar level. I heard someone call out 7.4 (the sugar level reading).

I was subsequently looked at by a medical officer and had my ECG taken twice at the eye clinic. The ECG tests were normal. It was around an hour after I lay down that I was feeling better and they decided to wheel me to the AnE.

The AnE triage nurse took my BO twice and it was still low, around 88/43. Was monitored and shifted from the main area to the observation area. I had another ECG done and it was good too. Was pricked again to check my sugar level and by then it was 5.2, which is still a normal reading...

They gave me IV fluids to bring my BP back up. When I'd rested enough, K was also allowed to come in to see me. He bought some food for me. It was 3pm by then. I managed to eat the food he bought and my B subsequently went back to a normal reading of 113/72.

AnE discharged me at 4pm. The AnE doc in charge of me, a certain Dr Edwin Tan I think, explained that it was a vasovagal attack. A bodily reaction by the nervous system where the body reacts to a "shock" or pain by dropping the blood pressure and heart rate. Hence the fainting...Some other AnE doc told me that "eye procedures are notorious for such bodily reactions". Not sure about this comment though cos the eye clinic nurses told me this was the first time they'd seen someone have this kind of reaction to a laser procedure.

K just feels that my anxiety brought about this reaction. To be honest, this recent incident has brought my anxiety back. Trying to keep a control on myself and my thoughts/emotions.

It's been almost a week after the procedure, the eye is still having a slight redness, and slight aches from time to time. There is also still some swelling in the upper eyelid area. I'm without eye make-up today and a colleague said I look sleepier and a little woozy haha. So I guess eyeliners really do brighten up one's eyes quite abit. CNY is in a weeks' time. Not sure if I am able to use eye makeup by then....if not then...I'll just look less nice for this year.....

Sigh. The last 2-3 months have not been very good for me. I hope the Year of the Golden Pig will bring me better things.....Fighting!

Conversations

The other night they were arguing before bed...I forgot what they were arguing about but it somehow became....

A: I will tell Mama!
N: I will tell Dada!
A: Then I well tell Yeye!
N: You tell lor! I will tell Nai Nai!
A: I will tell Teacher Kelly! (N's form teacher)
N: I will tell Teacher Charlene! (A's form teacher)

And they went on and on and practically exhausted all persons that they knew....

============
Playing and arguing at the same time on another night....

N: EHHHH!!!! Why did you take my utensil!!

I was surprised she used the word "utensil"...didn't know she knew that word also haha. I turned to see them arguing over a pencil.

Me: Nadya, what did you say again? Pencil or utensil?
N: Utensil....
Me: Utensil and pencil are 2 different things......
N: Oh...opps...

No...dun wanna go....but I can't

Not looking forward to it.
I think the team wants to go Batam for a 1-day trip.

First off, it takes 7am till 9pm. I can't send the kids to school and if K can't put the girls to sleep then I still need to put them to sleep when I get back home. Friggin tiring.

2. It's a seafood lunch. I'm allergic to some seafood stuff now...

3. I don't quite enjoy going to such factory outlets and/or souvenir shops. There's usually nothing to see or buy...

4. There's a 60-min massage session...Call me strange but I feel anxious when I go for such stuff, especially when it's a new place or person or environment. I usually don't feel comfortable if and when I go for massages....which is why I don't go for them at all. The last massage I ever had was in 2012 during my honeymoon.

5. There's a visit to a coffee luwak plant/factory with coffee tasting and all. I don't take coffee....

6. I don't think my energy levels are up to it....for a day to night trip.


I should be happy that I'm going on a sponsored day-trip right?.....
But I'm not feeling it.

Conversations

Alyssa's recent catchphrase - "Oh My Goodness!"

==========
I was showering Nadya that day at my parents place. We had gone back there for our usual Saturday dinner with them. Nadya snooked me with a question in the bathroom. I wasn't prepared for it....

N: Mama, how do babies get into their mummies' tummies?
Me: Err....errr....

I was thinking whether or not to go into the whole birds-and-bees spiel, and was also deciding what are the words to use to make the whole explanation age-appropriate for her.....
I probably took too long because she interrupted me.

N: Oh, you don't know ah? Nevermind, just ask Google lor!

I had a silly grin plastered on my face and she asked me....

N: Why are you smiling like that?

Me: Nah, nothing. You look so cute with your hair wet.


Ok...;p
I wiggled my way out of this one...But the time will come when she asks something like that again.
Guess I need to slowly try to figure out how to explain such stuff to her...:)

.....first post of 2019.....

And so I took a break from work from 21 Dec till 2 Jan. I had hoped for it to be a relaxing time.

In reality, it was part relaxing but also busy in a way as well. The festivities took up quite a bit of time, with gatherings to attend, family and friends to catch up with. The new year also brought about some administrative stuff to settle, especially with the girls' school stuff. 

It is taking while for my engine at work to rev up...

May the week ahead be more fruitful compared to today. :)

Merry Christmas 2018!

Sitting alone in the living room, having some quiet time. 

Came back from Uncle David’s annual Xmas party around 1110pm and after some protests and mini tantrums about wanting to open the presents they received, the girls were asleep by 1135pm. 

K is also asleep and snoring away. No one to wish Merry Christmas to at midnight...so I hugged myself tight and wished myself lol. 

The blur me forgot to take a family pic or wefie again at the party earlier on. We were dressed nicely. The girls had their hair tied up in high ponytails and they were in matching dresses. They were in a great mood and I guess I was so immersed in watching them run around Uncle David’s house that I forgot to take a family pic, again. Every year I lament after the party is over....bah. 

I hope everyone had a good Christmas and I wish that 2019 brings more good things for everyone! 

boo

The last few months have been a little....I dunno...xian? Ever since we came back from Japan. 

I was down with fever and cough. Fever went away but the cough lingered for awhile then came back. I was down with an unhappy stomach a few times. I was mentally and emotionally not so happy as well. Then I had a gum infection on my right molar that caused my right tonsil to be infected as well. Then I had swollen and sore inner left cheeks due to my misaligned crooked upper and lower molars. And then I had another less serious gum infection. 

And then now....I apparently have salivary gland stone. Like what?! The stone is blocking the saliva from passing from the gland through the saliva duct and out into the mouth. So when I eat now, the saliva gets backed up and can’t flow properly. As such, my left jaw area next to and below the ear gets tender and quite swollen, especially when I am eating. Wa prescribed antibiotics and told to massage the area with a warm compress 4 times a day to hopefully let the stone pass through and unblock the saliva duct. And I’ll need to drink a lot of water to help flush out the stone. If that all fails...they’ll need to refer me to a specialist. Read online that sometimes a mini day surgery needs to be done to physically make an incision and remove the stone. 

Simidaiji???!!! What’s happening to me???!! 

Praying for a smoother and healthier year in 2019....

:)

Voila.

Last day of work and last day of being in the office for the year 2018!

Here's to some rest and rejuvenation (and feasting?) ahead...:)

Conversations.....

With a 5yr-old:

N: Mama, I like your fatty thigh bolster pillow. It's so chubby wobbly!
Me: -_- '''

Sigh.....

===============
With a 3yr-old:

A: I love you Mama!
Me: How much? Alot?
A: Ya alot! I love you 5!
Me: Only 5? Thought you know the number 100?
A: Ok, I love you 100!
Me: Yay!

*beams*

===============
Between the 5yr-old and the 3yr-old:

Day 1
N: You better finish your milk ah. People in Africa don't event have food to eat or anything at all.
A: *grumble*

A few days later....
A: You better finish your food ah. Wait Mama scold. And Air-fee-car people ah-ah.....ah.......
N: They don't have food to eat....
A: Yah! *nods head*

Lol.....

HFMD

And so...both girls are down with hfmd.

After 5 years of Nadya managing to avoid it...she has finally gotten it. I think it started with Alyssa catching it from somewhere or from her class (since 2 other N2 kids have it as well). Alyssa must have spread it to Nadya since they play closely and sleep together.

Alyssa was running a fever on Monday night and it was only on Tuesday night that we finally saw a doctor and we discovered it was hfmd. We checked Nadya's throat on Wednesday morning, found red spots and hurried her to the doctor, who confirmed that it was indeed hfmd.

We're using Dettol to clean the house every morning now. Especially areas where the girls have touched. The adults are washing their hands often. For myself, my hands are getting pretty dry with the constant washing.

Anyway, here's praying for the quick recovery of both girls and that everyone, adults and kids alike, stay healthy and happy always!!

Jiayou!

Had a chat with Mas yesterday morning.

For some reason it became a sharing session of our thoughts, fears, worries, right smack in office. We were speaking in hushed tones. I love the new cubicles we have....a great departure from the open concept we had for the last 7 years.

Both of us ended up tearing and encouraging each other with hugs....

This morning, she texted me this nugget of encouragement:

Life could be worse so take the spills with a thrill and a smile!

So sweet of her...:)

How a 3yr-old and a 5yr-old argue

The other day before bedtime...the girls had an argument. Alyssa started fussing and Nadya was losing patience with her.

A: I don't want everything in the world! Don't want! *scream*
N: Then you go to space lor. I can kick you to space. You want??

I was frustrated with them for delaying bedtime but when Nadya uttered those words...I couldn't help but laugh. :)

Conversations with a 5-yr-old

Nadya and her magic ways....

N: Mama! Come, I show you magic!
Me: Ok..
N: See this water? *holds up a water bottle*
N: See ah....*proceeds to drink*
N: Tada! *opens her mouth wide*
N: See! Magic! No more water!

Wah...冷到.............

Anxiousness

My first brush with anxiety started back when I was 17. While it wasn't validated by a qualified doctor in the field, I was told by a GP that I might have anxiety. He said the signs and symptoms were there and gave me some Xanax to take for a few days. 

I think the pills did help. Since then, I try to tell myself to take things easier and tell myself to relax.

It's been pretty ok for the last 20 years. Although I did have a mini anxiety attack of sorts several years back. But I can't remember it was due to what issue already. 

Yesterday, I think I had 2 episodes where the anxiety almost overwhelmed me. Managed to quell it and control myself abit. 

One situation actually took place in IKEA. K was paying up so the girls were with me waiting at a corner. Nadya was irritating the hell out of me and wouldn't stop tugging at my clothes. I was feeling worried and anxious over my eye, and my patience was being sorely tested by her. I could feel this sense of "overwhelmingness" well up within. Managed to control it. 

It is scary when it gets like this. There is an overwhelming fear, and a feeling like you are going mad or out of control. The hearts beats fast and you feel light-headed sometimes. The stomach reacts as well and you feel nauseated. 

Reminding myself to keep a check on my own emotions and thoughts and not to let myself worry or think about things too much. Yes, need to ownself check ownself.

Eyes

10/11 November - I started seeing flashes of light in my left eye
15 November - managed to get a slot in to see the eye doc at the SNEC clinic at CGH. Degeneration of the eye and the retina. Weak areas in the retina. Jelly-like flap tugging at the retina whenever the eye moves.
24 November - flashes sort of disappeared. But there are more floaters in the left eye now.

Been feeling anxious about this.
Praying for the retina to stay strong. Praying for there to not be any tears.

Nothing that can be done at the moment. Just monitor. Next follow-up's on 3 Jan.
Hoping to get an earlier slot if possible.

music

DEAN
G-Dragon
Boyfriend
Henry
Taeyang
Jung Joon Young
Kang San Eh
IKON
BTS
EXO
Zion T
Wanna One
Taemin
Roy Kim
Akdong Musician

And many more accompany me on this workday.....

无奈

• eyes
• worries
• stamina
• rest
• career
• to-do stuff
• headaches
• the girls
• helper
• sleep
• everything?
• nothing?

Where Legends Are Born....:D

Dealing with parents these days is not easy. I salute teachers, principals, and all other academic and administrative staff who have to interact with parents.

And so, a mother of Nadya's classmate lodged a complaint with the principal and vehemently objected to their K2 class next year being called "Dependable Dingo". She shared with us her text to the principal and I thought her tone wasn't nice....It went something along the lines of "You're calling our children dogs??? Excuse me?!!"

Cutting the long story short, some of the other parents didn't like the name of the class as well (though they didn't voice it out to the principal). We ended up spending close to 2 hours having a virtual conference on Whatsapp brainstorming of better names....

We had Tenacious T-Rex, Loyal Lions, Determined Deer, Diligent Deer, Resilient Rhino.....

And then...K had a spark of brilliance....after googling....he came up with

Legendary Lions.

It wowed the socks off the rest of the parents lol. A father said "That's nice. They enter as infants but leave the school as legends!" And so the name was proposed to the principal, who liked the name too....

I met the principal this morning. She told me that the name was finalised and the kids would be informed today....:)

Her comment to me was "The name has alot of 霸气!"

I think so too...:) Fierce enough hahaha....

The Girls' Classes

The class names are out for the girls' school for next year...

Alyssa will either be in N2 Respectful Rabbit or N2 Grateful Giraffe.
Nadya will be K2 Dependable Dingos....

Erm...not the snazziest of class names....but well...I believe the teachers tried their best...


===========
Nadya was previously in...

• Infant Monet
• Infant Mozart
• Toddler Piaget
• N1 Katz
• N2 Trusmadi
• K1 Chicago

Alyssa was previously in......

• Infant Mozart
• Infant Mont Blanc
• Toddler Mount Eiger
• N1 Santorini

Not good

Don't feel like I'm in a good place right now.

My patience level is absolutely low. My irritability trigger is high.
I get affected negatively by certain people.
I lose my temper quite easily at the kids.

And I'm having a friggin headache right now.
Doing too much policy related work maybe.

Year-end

That certain smell in the air when year-end rolls around and when Xmas is in the air....
When there's a certain crispness and hope and anticipation....
When there's a certain jolly-ness in people's steps....

I can't smell it yet...but I can sense it's imminent arrival....

Xmas

I sometimes start my Xmas shopping as early as June or July if I see good deals or if I happen to chance upon something suitable. Some people say I am kiasu.

Oh well, I just did a count...Each year, I need to get close to 40 Xmas gifts...if I include year-end birthdays, then the count will be 40-plus...

If I don't start early, I'll go mad in the Oct/Nov/Dec period, which happens to coincide with the time the girls' school conducts all its parent engagement activities. Doubly busy.

Anyway, this year, due to planning and preparations for the Osaka trip, I am a little behind on buying gifts...

Ganbatte.........

Hmm.....cousins

It is strange.

I see the cousins on my mother's side at least twice each year. More often than I get to see the cousins on my father's side of the family. But I feel closer to the ones on my father's side.

Why ah?

Is it the Peranakan-ness that bonds us more? Or the fact that our grannies were very close as sisters? And hence the bond flowed down the generations?....Or maybe the fact that our lifestyles and the way we were brought up were more similar? Or maybe we're just more easy-going people? Maybe I feel closer to them because they are all much older than me?

Duck. Yum.

We had a 2-table dinner at Majestic Restaurant yesterday to celebrate EeMa turning 80 years old.
The Marina One branch, not the Gardens by the Bay branch.

Food was mostly good.

There was one dish that was interesting and stood out to me. I'm not a duck lover. I don't go for it actually. Not a fan of roast duck too.

But yesterday's Roasted Irish Silver Hill duck was really quite nice.

It's nickname is apparently the Wagyu of Duck.

I ended up researching about it online today haha....
Glad to have been introduced to it! Maybe we could order it for K's family's CNY celebration...hmm...

Grouchy old woman

Irksome. 

The Coll irked me this morning.

And then one of her staff as well. 

Ugh. Irksome.

I admit. I am irritable. 

There are some folks out there, thankfully 1 or 2 only, whom I cannot speak to without feeling irritated. I try to minimise any sort of interaction with them. 

One such person is The Coll's staff, one particular lady who got off with me on the wrong foot in her first week here.

A case of 八字不合 maybe?

Or maybe my mind and heart are getting smaller. 

I am turning into a grouchy old woman. 

Realisation of the Day

Nadya's social life seems busier than mine. lol....

Yum Yum

People are treating me meals recently lol..I don't know why! The stars aligned and somehow I am receiving lovely treats. Many thanks and I truly appreciate it...

Could have been one more treat except I managed to intercept early and treated the person instead lol. It was Eddie...we ended up squabbling at the cashier and were shoving our cards in the cashier's face. :D

Love at 50

There has been rumours about my current boss and my ex-colleague for a long time already. Since 11 years back when I first joined the organisation. Back then, my boss was actually in another department and was stationed in Brunei for a couple of years.

Back then he was married and in the midst of a divorce. My ex-colleague, who was then already a divorcee, was apparently the third party...and since then, on and off, there has been rumours about them two. 

Fast forward to 2015. My boss was posted back to Singapore and took up a new position. He came over to my department to head it! Since he came back to Singapore, there has been sightings of them both in various places and shopping centres...

In mid-2017, my ex-colleague left our department. 

In recent months, my boss has been more blatant about their relationship...he even brought her along on an official trip. I happened to chance upon their photos when the meeting organiser posted photos of the event on their FB page. 

And today...this morning...after dropping the kids off, I bumped right smack into them at Paya Lebar MRT station. 

I've kind of already accepted that they were together since a long time back even though my ex-colleague kept denying it. 

I think they should just be open about it. :) Afterall, he has been divorced for so long already....it doesn't really matter anymore. 

They are both in their 50s. I wonder...how does love and being in a relationship feel when you're at that age? Is it more of a companionship thingy? Or there's still that passion and excitedness involved? Much like when we were in our teens...

Are there still late night phone conversations? Or late night back and forth text messaging? Are there still giggles and cuddles at that age? Do people still hold hands at that age? Will my boss and ex-colleague get married or are they just content with how things are right now? 

Chesty Peanut

Peanut's cough has lingered on for too long. 3 weeks or more maybe? Over Sunday, Monday and Tuesday, it seemed to have gotten worse again. She just finished a dose of antibiotics!

She slept very badly on Tuesday night. She was coughing every few seconds through the night and I was overjoyed whenever she managed to have a long stretch of sleep for an hour plus or so.

We brought her to the PD again on Wednesday morning. Although he heard nothing in her lungs, he suggested we do an Xray to be sure. Especially since we'd tried all sorts of medication and even a dose of antibiotics.

And so....it turns out that she's got mild bronchitis i.e. some phlegm in her lungs.

She's now put on another round of antibiotics, a different type from the one given previously.

My poor Peanut...真的是吃药长大 sigh....
Get well soon sweetie...it hurts Mama to see you cough so badly...
And yes, you must really get well soon ya...Mama looks worse than a panda these days...
(Concealer's my new best friend)

Session with Starcrash

Starcrash..aka Chloe!

Had dinner with her last night and it was a good session. :)

I told her "It always feels very nice to catch up with you." And I meant it from the bottom of my heart!

She said that she liked how we always just seamlessly pick things up from where we left off, even if it was a few years ago when we last met one-on-one.

Congratulations on your upcoming gal! I shall see a gorgeous you on that day!
And I know things are sketchy and uncertain at the moment but I believe things will pan out well and smoothly with you guys eventually!....

Of crocheting and Granny....

Once I successfully crochet a coaster using normal yarn...I want to start learning how to make doilies. 

Back to being Granny's girl...

Granny used to do some simple doilies when I was young and in primary school. I couldn't yet handle those at that point in time and so she only taught me basic crochet stitches and how to make a pouch. By the time I grew older and could probably master doilie-making tecniques, she was getting old and her fingers would not cooperate with her anymore. By then, she'd also stopped sewing her own blouses and even simple things like fixing buttons. I'd also been more occupied with friends and school and didn't learn it from her.....

Come to think of it, my mum didn't teach me much sewing, I think I learnt most things from Granny. Even my basic cross-stitch skills were taught by Granny....

Now that I've picked up my crochet needles again (and bought new ones of different sizes too), I can't help but remember some of those special moments with her when she taught me all these things....

Guess some of these crafts remind me of her alot. 

Laoniang is still sick

Went to the doc again on Saturday morning. Another clinic.
Was told my throat had pus near the left tonsil....i.e. a throat infection had developed.
Was put on antibiotics and given medicated lozenges. Was also given something for the congested nose and Fluimucil for the phelgm.

Still feeling under the weather but I think I'm on the mend already....slowly but surely....
At least I don't feel that feverish anymore...

Jiayou jiayou....

Laoniang is sick

Stuffed nose. Couldn’t breathe at night while sleeping. Had to breathe through my mouth. And that’s why I’m having a slight sore throat too. A secondary issue that popped up. 

Slight fever last night as well and I’m aching abit now though there is no fever. 

Went to the doc this morning. And the sweet lady doc gave me 2 days’ MC. I love her! Haha....

happy

Is when I spent 30-45mins this morning browsing through the shelves of a “macham macham” store, i.e one of those neighborhood stores where they sell anything and everything from sewing needles to plastic bags, and cigarettes to toilet seats. 

My mum calls these stores “macham macham” stores and the name’s stuck with me too. :) Macham macham means anything and everything in Malay. 

I bought several things to beef up my pathetic sewing kit at home. Yay! Now I’ve got silver and black press studs, a red coloured unpicker, a traditional tailor’s tape, and extra spoils of white and black threads. 

And I managed to find something I missed having. Those little metal scissors that we used when we were young. Yay yay yay! And it cost only 50cents! 

What's the sharpest thing in the world?

Knives?
Swords?
Axes?
Blades?


Words.

累.泪

累
Alyssa woke many times last night due to her cough and phelgm and stuffed nose.
Part of me felt pained to see her in such discomfort.
Part of me was raw and irritable at having been woken up many times.
Another part of me couldn't sleep well too as my nose was a little runny as well. (She must have passed it to me already)
Despite the multiple interruptions, my frazzled mind somehow decided it wanted to throw in a highly disturbing dream to add into the mix.

泪
Been crying these few days. Due to shows that I watch, articles that I read, and just so.
The disturbing dream that I had last night threw me into a bit of an emotional disarray as well.
I am a pantang person. I guess I won't jot down all details here. The details are fuzzy to me now anyway, though I remembered them clearly when I just woke from it.
But it's suffice to share that it involved the death of someone very dear to me. :(

Wish List Part 2

If we had a new home, what would be the new appliances/equipment that I would like to have? In addition to what we're having right now.....

1. Standing garment steamer. I've been in love with these since my days working as a "management trainee" in a textile retail company. That was my first time seeing and using one. All of 16 years ago! :)
2. Bigger TV. This isn't for me. It's for K...who has been yearning for a big TV since I dunno when haha. 
3. Big oven. Convection, not microwave....Enough to put a turkey or a big chicken in :D
4. Airfryer! Something I've wanted but can't get because we don't have space in our kitchen. 
5. Pressure Cooker. On the fence for this one though...
6. Printer/Scanner. Something that's needed in our home but we somehow don't have it. This will definitely come in handy when the girls get older and start formal education. 
7. Hifi. I'm dated. I still refer to it as a hifi. I just want to have a small radio to listen to. And also a music system or some sort where I can play spotify or my own music list...
8. Threadmill. Yes, for keeping moderately fit....

Anything else? Hmm....

My list shows that I'm not that technologically advanced lol. 

No Google home device listed there or any of those fancy stuff. To be honest, I have no idea what those things do actually or how they can help make our lives more efficient. Sometimes, I find that having these devices around make me more stressed and complicate things more for me actually. ;p 

Maybe I'm traditional or maybe I am resistant to change. :)

Wish List

If I were to get a new home, and...
If I were to have sufficient funds...
I would like to have....

• Enough space for the 2 girls to run around and grow up in
• Enough space for the 4 of us to have common bonding spaces and yet, also have enough areas for each of us to have our own private spaces
• Enough storage space for my clothes and bags
• Enough storage space for the girls' books, clothes, art materials and toys
• A big kitchen! With enough space to store all the electrical appliances that we would like to get but can't because of our currently tiny kitchen 
• A mini indoor area for my indoor plants and terrariums
• A mini outdoor area for my outdoor plants
• A study for K for his trading and videos and reading
• A study for the girls when they start with projects and homework and mugging for exams
• A study for me to indulge in my hobbies, and to do work
• A dining area where we can put a proper dining table where at least 8 to 10 people can sit around
• Enough space for a coffee table for the living room 

Seems like I am big on space...

Pun intended lol. 

Too much to ask for?

One can always dream..............

想当年

Laoniang had a nice bum up till maybe 5-6-7 years ago...Yes, I sincerely believe that.
It used to be pert and perky and had erm...enough flesh on it.

These days though...it seems to have lost its perkiness...and it's gone flat.
Not sure if deflated is the right word but yeah...you get the drift.

I wore a dress yesterday to go out with K and when I looked in the mirror....it was almost like a flat line from the back of my neck to my calves....

Not "qiao" anymore....

:(

Laoniang is 38 liao!

When I was in my teens and even till my 20s, I used to think that folks in their 30s were “old”....not 60 or 70-yes-old type of old but yeah well, still old. 

I’d read news of crime and articles would always carry lines reading “the 36-yr-old woman slashed....” or “the 37-yr-old was caught...”. I’d think to myself that these people were way older than me. 

And then somehow, before I knew it, I’ve reached that age bracket too. Gosh. Like what I said to my parents. The youngest in the family is now already pushing 40! 

Laoniang 老了! 

Though in certain ways, I still feel like a young girl who is inexperienced and still has many many things to learn and experience for herself. 

I don’t have specific birthday wishes each year. I just wanna stay healthy, happy, blessed and loved. And I hope all my loved ones continue to stay healthy, happy and blessed with all the good things in the world too! And I hope for the girls to grow up healthy, happy, loving and smart. 

Ok then again, it seems I have quite a number of wishes haha. 

I got some shopping done today. Maybe around 1.5hrs of it? Short but it felt good to be able to browse through racks of clothing without little hands clinging on to you or little voices asking for your attention. It felt good to be able to grab some clothes and just head to the fitting room to try them on, without little feet rushing to follow you or little voices expressing their impatience. Lol.

Had lunch with K too! I appreciate the time spent together today...just the two of us...taking our own sweet time and not needing to rush things or cater to the whims and needs of the 2 little girls. :) 

We went home after lunch and I managed to catch at least 2-2.5hrs of sleep. 

17 October 2018. 

A simple day spent but a day to remember nonetheless. :)

What would I do if I was not working full-time?

Besides looking after the house and the children, I think I would be:

• Watching Korean dramas and variety shows
• Listening to various music
• Learning the Korean language
• Learning how to play the guitar or piano
• Learning pottery (and picking up where I left off 25 years ago)
• Learning and picking up on the art of bonsai
• Learning and doing more gardening stuff
• Learning how to crochet properly
• Learning watercolour painting
• Learning yoga (and picking up where I left off 13/14 years ago)
• Learning how to create and sustain an online business
• Brainstorming on potential online business ideas
• Catching up with friends dear to me
• Spending more time with my parents, brother and nephew

Yeah, I think I'd want to do all those things....though I wonder if I can get the chance to do so even if I was not working. Lol the list is quite long.....

9 October 2018

Nadya turned 5!
5 is a milestone.

How time flies. Really.
From a wee tot,
To an almost young lady.

She's pretty.
She's smart and speaks well.
She's hardworking and attentive in class.

And,

She's also emotional.
She's scared of new things and experiences.
She's lacking in confidence.

But I'm sure,
She'll blossom as she grows older.
She'll develop further.

Right now,
I'm just thankful that,

She's healthy.
She's happy.
She's grows steadily.

*loves*

School Projects

Alyssa had to do a fruit hat and she chose to do a strawberry....:)

Nadya had a challenging project. To do up a lion or mouse costume. She chose lion. (Which meant alot more work for the parents). K did an excellent job of thinking about the structural design of the costume....And this Mama was in charge of execution and making it happen...lol. 

p/s: I'm starting to hate all these projects.....argh........3 more years of pre-school for Alyssa and 1 more year for Nadya. I hope primary school will have less of such things!

upset

Is when you happily forgot to keep your EZ Link card in its usual place and just shoved it into your back pocket. 

Is when you happily went about your day only to realize that your card is not in your back pocket anymore near the end of the work day.

Is when you search high and low but still can’t find it. You even went to the place where you had lunch just in case it dropped there. You searched the toilets and your cubicle and your lunch wallet and nada, zilch, no have.....

Is when you realize that you have got friggin a lot of money in your card. $90 or so. 

Is when you only have yourself to blame. 

Sigh.

As a colleague said. Nvm, treat it as 破财挡灾....

Friends....

It's strange but these few days seems to be a catch-up session with people whom I've not contacted for a long while.

Texts from Suli and Chiewz.
Text conversation with Nadya's ex-classmate's (Charlotte) mum.
Text from ex-helper who's in Hong Kong.
Lunch with Patrick today.

Patrick ended up treating me cos my birthday's next week. He got me a small terrarium too, complete with a Totoro figurine inside.
Luckily I managed to grab some birthday presents for his kids 10mins before our lunch appointment hahaha...Their birthdays are in November.

Laoniang Haiku 9-7-9

Laoniang was content with Qoo10 for a long time.
Laoniang just discovered the world of Ezbuy.
Laoniang is as happy as a lark now haha.

Plants

One of my terrariums wasn't doing well in the office and I brought it home to 疗养 before the Osaka trip. I kept it on my table during the trip and kept it closed. After I came back from the trip, some parts of 2 fittonia plants inside had rotted away. And it was stinking up the terrarium :(

I think it was too hot in the house, versus what it had been used to in the cool office. There was too much moisture within as well....I had to remove all the plants within, except the moss, and replanted new fittonias inside. This new one should be ok.

===============
I have a pot of papaya seedlings. Most of them are tall and strong.
There are a bunch of smaller ones that didn't get to grow as tall as the others.
Before I went back to work, I found some time to remove the stragglers.

The leave of the papaya seedlings remind me of Japanese maple. I could not resist and I took the two strongest ones of the stragglers and repotted them in a glazed pot. The end result was that it looked like a fake maple bonsai seedling haha....

Conversations with a 3-yr-old

The other morning in the car, while on the way to school.

Alyssa: Mama, we have not listened to "Circus of Life" for a long time.
Me: "CIRCLE of Life" darling....

hahah...this was so cute...

===================
In the same car-ride, Alyssa spotted a dog outside along the road....

A: Mama! I see a coolie dog...
Me: Collie sayang....It's a collie. Coolie and collie are different things ya...

*chuckle*

Osaka

It's been a 2-week hiatus from here...mainly because we went to Osaka!
We flew off on 28 September and flew home on 6 October.

Some stuff from the trip....

1. The Girls: On the Plane, Eating Habits, Relationship
I'm still amazed at how Nadya can watch 6 hours worth of cartoons going to Osaka, and another 6 hours worth of cartoon on the flight back from Osaka. I'd be doggone tired but she was still ok lol. She got pretty good at operating the touchscreen monitor and could make her own selections once I switched her monitor to "kids mode".

The girls ate well while there. They fed themselves mostly and there was not too much whining though they were sometimes still distracted. We brought a whole lot of milk powder for their before-sleep feeds and for Alyssa's middle-of-the-night feeds....BUT, for some reason, they didn't drink at all. Alyssa requested for milk sometimes but when we made the milk in a cup for her...she'd take a few sips and then reject the milk. Maybe it's because she still drinks from a bottle at home. Anyway, we ended up bringing back the entire pack of milk powder......

Nadya was a trooper...She walked alot during our stay in Osaka and although she sometimes complained of being tired, and whined a little, with some encouragement and goading, she still managed to trudge on. There were times that K had to carry her though, all 17/18kg of her, as she was really cranky and tired out from the walking.

Alyssa....sigh. I carried her alot and I went to bed each night aching and sore like f*ck. That's carrying 13kg and walking everywhere...sometimes up and down staircases too.

I think the girls grew closer during the trip. *hearts* And I think Nadya developed more of her caring side as a big sister. I'd like to think it was partly due to me asking her for help to look after Alyssa. Sometimes, if they were both walking, I'd ask Nadya to hold hands with Alyssa and make sure she keeps to the side of the road or the pavement. Or I'd seek Nadya's help to brush Alyssa's hair, etc...I saw her taking her own initiative and guiding Alyssa along and looking after her the other day...my heart felt so warm seeing that...:)

2. Dotonburi 
Tourist trap area haha. Some shops are pricier but there are still some places selling reasonably priced food. The area is busy and tourists mill around at all times of the day. Still it makes for a nice stroll, especially at night when all the neon signs and streetlights light up.

We of course had to take the obligatory picture with the iconic Mr Glico Man and the moving mechanical crab haha. K was disappointed that we didn't get to try many many types of food...but well, when you've two kids with you...sometimes ti does get difficult to queue up or step into different restaurants.

3. Chouette Owl Cafe
I'm glad we went to this cafe. We went out of our way to find 2 cat cafes on Monday but they both didn't accept kids below the age of 7 or 10 and we were quite disappointed. So I was really happy we managed to go the the owl cafe. The girls liked the owls so much K ended up buying them an owl feather each.

Alyssa's and my favourite owls were Azuki and Chip. K liked a white snowy owl called Arashi and Nadya didn't have any particular favourite I think. Alyssa was initially afraid and didn't dare to pet the birds but gathered up her courage after awhile.

I had mixed feelings about the birds though. While I appreciated the opportunity to interact and pat them up close, I also felt sad that they were chained to wooden perches and were not flying around in their natural habitat.

4. Nara Park
We took the Kintetsu Line out to Nara, a neighbouring town from Osaka. Nara Park had deer roaming around and we bought deer feed for them. Bad idea cos we were immediately swarmed by deer big and small, male and female. Alyssa was in my arms and clinging on to me for dear life. Nadya was spooked as well and started shrieking. Lol, other tourists were looking at us being surrounded by the deer. K got bitten on his belly by an aggressive male buck looking for food. We ended up throwing some of the feed on the ground to get away from the deer....I didn't even get to pet one because whenever I tried putting my hand out, one of them would think there was food and would try to chomp down on my hand...

Things got alot calmer once we managed to get away from that main group of deer. We managed to explore parts of the surrounding park and I was glad we did so. Nadya acted up a little but soon found joy in playing with the gravel on the ground lol. Both girls were squatting down and grabbing handfuls of the gravel. The architecture of the temples and shrines there were quite nice...It was also a very bright and sunny day and it made for good pictures. :)

5. Kaiyukan (Osaka Aquarium)
This place really impressed me. We did not only see fishes, we saw other animals like seals, sealions, penguins and capybara too. Their main tank located in the centre of the building was a huge-ass tank which housed whale sharks, manta rays and giant garoupa as well as other types of smaller fishes. I was awed by this main tank and totally loved the visit to the Kaiyukan! The way they displayed the jellyfishes was also very artistic and cool. If the SEA aquarium in Singapore is rated an 8, I'd say the one in Osaka is a 9. :)

6. Kuromon Ichiba Market
We got lost when we exited the subway. It was only our 2nd day in the city and we were still confused by the mainly Japanese signs. We spent a good 15-20mins just trying to figure out which direction to go and where to walk. Only to realise that the entrance to the market was actually just a minute's walk away haha. K was excited to visit the market. There were loads of stuff to eat and try. I was erm,,,less enthusiastic though. I'm not so adventurous when it comes to food, especially street food. He tried fugu (puffer fish), eel, whale meat, eel innards and sea urchin. The girls were mainly just curious about the various types of seafood around and the different colours of the stalls...we ended up having udon for lunch at a small restaurant.

7. Food in general
K kept complaining that we didn't get to try sushi. I complained that we didn't get to try gyoza and okonomiyaki. But actually.....we did try these things - oyako-don, gyu-don, cold and hot soba, various types of udon, ramen, takoyaki, saba, rolled egg, and omu rice. We even got the chance to have dinner at a Japanese grill place where we grilled/barbequed our own food).

One thing that surprised me was that the food there was quite salty and heavily seasoned. I started having a sore throat after 3-4 days there. Too salty for my liking actually. As for it being heavily seasoned....well, what more to expect coming from the land that invented MSG? haha...

8. Subway
Way too many stairs haha. Some of the interchanges were twice (or more) as large as our Dhoby Ghaut interchange. We were lost a couple of times and most of the time, we had to walk very far just to change lines...Still, I'm amazed at how well-connected the city is. Even more amazed but the number of subway lines and privately run railway lines. The first time I saw the map while planning for the trip, I was utterly confused about how to get from point A to point B haha.

9. Weather
We thought the weather would be 15-25C and we went on a shopping spree to get heat-tech and thicker stuff for the girls. We stocked up on long pants and long sleeves for the girls. It ended up being around 27-28C in the day....with the sun sometimes being as strong or strong than that in Singapore. The only good thing is that Japan's not as humid as Singapore and you sweat less as a result. It only got cold on one night when it started raining and got chilly.

Last but not least....

10. Plants
I loved all the temperate plants and trees that grew there...so pretty...
Moss was also plentiful along the sidewalks and pathways...basically you could find moss anywhere you went. Sometimes they were thick and so fluffy I wanted to dig them out and bring them back to Singapore...I saw many types of maple and pine too...and other coniferous trees...They were all so pretty I was tempted to break off some branches to bring back to Singapore in the hope of rooting them....Alas, I didn't. But it made my heart full to see the pretty foliage there. :)

Sister Fight

The girls got into a quarrel yesterday. Well, actually it was more one-sided this time round.

Nadya was packing up a toy which they'd both been playing, because it was time for her to do her speech and drama homework. Alyssa was supposed to stop playing and go change into her PJs.

Alyssa got pissed that Nadya was packing up and started fighting with her. She tried to snatch the toy away from Nadya. Nadya, being the taller and nimbler one, managed to dodge and continued packing the toy away. I stepped in and took the toy away, announcing that no one would have the toy now but Dada and Mama.

Alyssa wailed big time. Screamed. Lay on the floor. Kicked. You have it.

Finally she got up, stomped over to Nadya and tried to grapple with her. Nadya was stoic and stood her ground. Alyssa screamed one more time and took a frustrated swipe at Nadya's head.

Gosh, it was a loud smack. I could tell Nadya was surprised and hurt. Her eyes widened and started turning red. She held back her tears though. I've to give her credit for that. I thought she would have bawled right there and then but she instead recovered pretty quickly and walked over to the writing desk to start on her homework. I think she didn't cry or fuss too much because she knew she wasn't at fault.

Alyssa on the other hand....Right after the smack, I scolded her and told her "No hitting!". She cried even louder in response. She then stormed back to her room. Kyne went to settle her while I stayed with Nadya to finish her work.

Eventually, Alyssa was still crying and wanted me. I had to go and be with her. She settled down quite soon after I went in to be with her. Had to go through the whole spiel of "no hitting of anyone", "need to apologise", etc....She requested me to be with her when she went to apologise to Nadya...

Finally all ended well...Alyssa said sorry to Nadya, Nadya said ok. Both girls hugged...Alyssa hugged K and me too...it was a hug fest lol...

Before we slept that night, Alyssa announced "I love jiejie"...lol.

I hope the two of you grow closer and look after each other next time ok? Have each other's back ya!
Watch out for each other...and love each other fiercely!

Like Those Lovely Salmon Rising Against the River Stream

I recently discovered a Korean folk rock song from 1998. It's got a long quirky title but the lyrics are only a little quirky and pretty meaningful....



Like those lively salmon rising against the river stream
By Kang San Ae

For the same mysterious reasons

that salmons rise against

the river stream of their own will.

 

I don’t know since when,

I’ve been walking, walking

and walking this road.

I wonder how much further

I have to go in the days ahead.

 

Among many prongs of a fork in the road.

Even if this path that I’m walking

is an inevitable detour onto a winding road.

Though it will harden my feet

if I keep walking, walking and walking,

I will be lying down in those wide flower beds to take some rest.

 

Among many prongs of a fork in the road.

Even if this path that I’m walking is in the pitch black dark, even without starlight

I cannot just give up now.

If I keep walking, walking and walking

I will be able to see the sunlight

That’s passionately shattered for me

 

Even so I know I have been blessed so much

with so many roads to choose to walk ahead of me

Right, if I start walking again

If I keep walking, walking and walking

One day I’ll be thankful for all these things

 

The end of the road is not in sight

You hang your weary shoulders and sigh but

please don’t be afraid

Like those lively salmon rising against the river stream

If you keep walking

If you keep walking

If you keep walking…

Hang in there my little plant!

And suddenly....my office terrarium is not doing too well...:(

After I rescued Kah Hui's and pruned it, it's thriving again...but mine's the one now looking a little bedraggled...Silly me added to much water and I hope it's not drowning. Took me more than 2 weeks to realise that it's quite waterlogged...:(

The red fittonia is doing ok...the white/geen one is getting limp and a little brown....
Hang in there!!

I'm going on leave till 9 Oct...I hope it survives till then when I can do something proper about it....

Happy Birthday Peanut!

Today's the 24th of September 2018.

It is the 15th day of the 8th lunar month i.e. Mid-Autumn Festival.

It is also Alyssa's birthday! Our littlest baby is now 3!

She's bulked up more in the last 1-2 months and finally moved past the 12.5kg mark. She's at 12.8kg now so a big yay to this! She's a parrot of sorts and repeats alot of what Nadya says. But she's also got a mind of her own and says what she wants at other times too. Her pronunciation is still not too clear yet though and I hope it gets better in time to come...:)

She has this strange way of running that looks more like she's hopping. And it's oddly charming. :)

She's also got a great, infectious smile and an absolutely killer cheeky grin that melts the hardest of hearts. Her eyes twinkle and her small dimple on her left lower cheek adds even more charm to her pretty face.

She's developed quite a temper in recent weeks. A simple "no" or a chide for something she's done wrong ignites a wailfest or a screamfest or a kickfest. You get the drift.

She's starting again to want me whenever I take a shower in the evening after work. She'd be screaming and lying on the floor in front of the bathroom door. I'd hear the door handle rattle when she's trying with all her might to open the door. I'd hear her knocking on the door while screaming "I want Mama!" She'd stop as soon as I open the door. And then the smile comes back within minutes. (Talk about Jekyll and Hyde lol...)

You're growing well sweetie...I hope you stay strong, healthy, happy and blessed always.
May all good things come your way often and may you continue to learn and grow your mind in myriad ways! Just know too that Dada, Mama and Jiejie love you to bits! We have your back!

17 September 2018

The day marked the close of my 11th year with the company.

Today is the 18th of September 2018. It marks the start of my 12th year with the company.

When I started here, I didn't think about how long I would stay here or what I wanted to achieve here. I just plodded along and took whatever came my way, special projects and all. Somehow, it became so many years.

I also experienced many things in my life and hit many milestones during my stint here....

• my 3 years of learning French
• a bad breakup
• a passionate romance with K ;p
• our ROM
• our wedding
• Nadya's birth
• Alyssa's birth
• shifting out of my childhood home
• shifting into my inlaws' place
• buying of our own home
• building of our nest
• buying of our car
• hiring my own helper

I wonder how many more years would I be here with the company? .....

Birds of a feather

The Coll has 2 other good friends in the office. I don't like both of them too. (Because well....birds of a feather flock together) Other than polite cursory greetings when we meet by the walkway, I try not to engage in further conversations with them.

One of them, BE, was in the pantry today when I was preparing my salad. She sauntered over while holding a cup of blueberries and popping them into her mouth. She asked in a more than incredulous voice if I was only havign that small cup of salad for lunch. I said no and that I'd already had a full meal. This cup of salad was just an add-on. More like a snack of sorts.

She positioned herself at the counter next to me and started staring at every single thing I was doing. Like WTH? And then she continued commenting on everything I was doing as well. She also kept insisting that I was not having enough.

"你这样是不够的。Not enough." She followed up with a "tsk tsk" look. My blood pressure was rising.

"What do you mean not enough? I already had a bowl of noodles."

"你这样是不够的。Not enough." She repeated.
At this point I had no idea if she was referring to me eating too little in general or that I was not eating enough vegetables for the day.

I kind of ignored her for the rest of the comments that came. Mostly mindless stuff about eating berries and washing vegetables and fruits and how I should be washing my veggies in a certain way.

Please. Just bugger off.
老娘 likes it this way and so it shall be. I don't need you commenting and giving your opinion on what I should be eating or how much I should be eating ir how I should prepare my food. Also, bear in mind that we're not exactly that close for you to be imposing your thoughts and opinions on me.

Nadya...and her not-so-soft voice

Nadya embarrassed me much on 2 occassions. Both took place in women's public washrooms but on 2 separate incidents.

Incident #1
We were in the same cubicle and I had to pee as well. I did so in front of her.
She then announced in her sibei loud voice....

"Mama! Next time when I get older I will grow hair down there like you!"

???!!!  *face palm*

There were people washing their hands at the sinks lah!!...
I waited for them to go out before I slunk out of the cubicle ....

Incident #2
All cubicles were taken so we waited. Finally a lady came out of one...when we moved in, it was obvious she had just settled something big. Nadya exclaimed....

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! So smelly!!!!!!!"

Omg. The lady was still at the sink...I quickly shushed Nadya and nudged her into the cubicle quickly...
It was embarrassing for me and probably even more so for that lady as well haha....

Offers of Food

I appreciate it if people offer me food or snacks in the office. I really do....
I just don't like it that much if people force me to accept their snacks or food.

"Why don't want?"
"Aiyah! You can afford to eat lah! Just take!"
"Aiyah, no need to be paiseh. Just take!"
"Everybody took liao, why you never take?"

I don't want means don't want lor...it's not that I am paiseh to take or what...but I really don't want to eat it....So...erm...don't force me to take can?!

Sometimes, I get odd looks and sometimes people just insist and leave the food on my table and walk off, leaving me staring at their backs.

But there are times when people just move on after I decline them politely. I appreciate these times....

I just had a quarter of a mooncake dumped on my desk even though I declined politely....sigh....
I'm too full to eat. And I can't throw it away too cos it's such a waste....

See if I can offload it to someone else later......

Watercolouring

I like many things and I am also interested in various things. Some of my interests require in-depth training and learning, which I either cannot afford the money on or I can't accord the time to.
Some other interests like colouring, and gardening, is more accessible to me...

I'd been interested in watercolours for some time but never really dabbled in it. The girls were doing painting over the weekend and I had a sudden inspiration to try playing with it too.

So there I was, huddled over the girls' small IKEA plastic table, armed with a cheapo Popular house brand paintbrush (which was getting matted and damaged already) and drawing paper, flanked by a cheapo watercolour tray from Daiso and accompanied by a small plastic cup of water.

Took me several strokes before I got the hang of it...And here is my first watercolour piece....more like a trial piece haha...

Gerberas....or at least my interpretation of them. The colour of the picture doesn't do much justice to the actual work though. :) I think it looked much nicer in real life haha. Nothing fantastic, but still, it was a good virgin attempt.

I got inspired and as usual, acting on my whim, I bought watercolour paper and a fresh set of better quality paintbrushes from Popular the next day. I also watched 2 videos on watercolour painting....

And voila...the works I did yesterday...

Nothing fantastic BUT, you can definitely see the improvement in the ombres, gradients and textures. :)

And again, the paintings look much better in real like....I'm not a good photographer and somehow always ends up taking dull photos of the paintings....not sure why though....

Hope to find some time again to paint a little...am thinking of using these to make cards for friends and family...:)

Jiayou

Didn't sleep till 215am. Was woken up at 430am and then again at 630am.

Alyssa slept quite badly last night due to her stuffed, runny nose and bad cough. She's starting to sound quite phlegmy as well.

Fingers crossed that she will get well soon.

Fingers crossed also that I will survive today in the office....feeling a little groggy and breathless...tummy doesn't feel too good as well with her semi-lying on me and squashing my tummy for most of last night.

Of flies and buffaloes....

From time to time, I take a walk through Nadya's classroom at her pre-school, to look at the children's works hanging on the walls or displayed in files by their form teacher.

Yesterday, I saw one of Nadya's work It was so cute. They were learning "ff" and "ll" words as well as words that started with the letters "f" and "l". The kids are usually given free rein to construct their own sentences, but they need to use words containing "ff", "ll", "f" and "l".

She wrote this.....

"The fly was flying and bumped into a buffalo. The fly yelled and then found a lamp."

Hahaha...Quite corny but so cute...!

The Gift of Life

I've had good friends undergo IVF and other fertility treatments but they mainly kept the experience to themselves. In one case, I only heard about it when they managed to successfully conceive.

I guess, for something so personal and emotional, it might sometimes be best to keep the journey to themselves. Too much sharing may get unwanted questions from others, which may in turn trigger emotional floodgates.

Recently though, someone has chosen to share her journey with me. Maybe it is because we are in the same team at work. Maybe because she feels close to me. Maybe she feels I understand her. Whatever it is,  ST has been going for various medical tests and treatments and hormone injections for what is known as an IUI treatment. She has been sharing some stuff with me from time to time.

I really salute her bravery and determination. Definitely not easy to get an injection to the belly every night. The whole process and journey is challenging physically, mentally and emotionally. She confessed to me recently though that she was finding it increasingly difficult to keep a check on her emotions. She was starting to feel the strain and stress of it all. I could only encourage her and remind her to manage her own expectations.

She went for a checkup today to see if she has successfully conceived. She skyped me earlier on with a concise "Result out le. Unsuccessful."

Sigh...jiayou gal...

Go where you are wanted

https://www.scarymommy.com/what-i-realized-after-ghosted-by-best-friend/?utm_source=FB

I saw this article on Facebook and it resonated with me.

Some extracts:

"How often, I suddenly realized, I have spent time knocking on the doors of those who don’t want me, trying to convince them I’m worth it. Years I’ve spent worried, wondering what I might be able to do to make myself valuable enough for their attention......

......I’ve never been a person lacking friends and love. And yet those people who love me have gently stood in the wings waiting for me to finish standing onstage before those who don’t love me, tap dancing my ass off in hopes that one of them might clap.

It is not selfish to go where you are wanted, either. It is self-love and self-care to allow the people who love you to love you hard, and to gently release those who don’t...."

I had had difficulty letting go of some people. People who used to be close with me and on good terms but suddenly chose not to stay in contact or who chose to ignore when I reached out. Two of them I'd known for decades. I now know the term for it: "ghosted".

It took years of doubt, of reaching out (to no avail), of keeping those friends at the back of my mind, and lots of to-ing and fro-ing between wanting to let things be and wanting to try to reach out again, before I finally came to terms with myself and with the situation. I finally let go.

As the article says, go where you are wanted.

People come, people go. Accept that some folks no longer want or need you in their lives. Accept that they once left a mark in your life and they have since moved on and you should to. Focus your attention on those dear friends who have stuck around for so long.

Conversations with an almost 5-year old

The other night at home. I was sitting on the floor, knees drawn up in front of me. Feet were planted on the ground 30-50cm in front of me. My chubby calves were hanging loose.

Nadya came by and poked my calves. They wobbled. She poked again. They wobbled again. And then wobbled some more.

She announced: "Eeee Mama, you are like jelly. You have jelly legs. I like jelly."

And then she shrieked with glee and guffawed.

-_- '''

Less junk, Less gunk??

Nope, note there yet.

Less junk, less gunk was my motto for the year but I've not had much time and luck in trying to stick to it.

Everywhere I look in my house, there's a pile of stuff waiting to be looked at and sorted through to determine if it's to be thrown or kept. Every single room in the house needs to be looked at. There are old clothes to be packed away, kids toys to be packed away or discarded, etc.

FFS. I think I even need to look through the refrigerator to determine what needs to be thrown away or kept because the helper is scared to throw things away even if they are past expiry.

Forgotten corners are collecting mega dustballs and hair. Missed areas by the helper still have a layer of oil and dirt on them. I need to nag/remind/show/guide her to be more thorough.

It's grating on my nerves and weighing on my mind somewhat. I wish I could have many more days of leave at my disposal. So that I can take a whole week's worth just to clean and clear up the house.

Close one eye and 看开多一点? Already看开alot compared to last time. How else will there will be organically growing mounds of stuff in various nooks and crannies of the house? Sigh....

I need to:

• Clear up my desk. Managed to clear one round a few months back but now mounds of letters, papers, school notes, kids drawings, forgotten pencils, rubber bands, hair ties and hair clips are piling up again. 

• Clear up the chest of drawers in the living room. 2 small drawers. But they are bursting and spilling over with notebooks, storybooks, random colour pencils, crayons, pom poms, art pieces from school, art work from home, paints, magic pens, etc. Managed to throw away a pile of stuff the other day while the girls were napping. Hope to clear more from these 2 drawers soon.

• Clear up the niche shelf in the living room. Same thing. Filling up with more drawings and artwork, bits and pieces of stuff from toys, other trinkets, school art pieces, furry pens, forgotten keychains, stationery, etc. 

• Clear up the kitchen cupboard filled with snacks and biscuits. Remnants from birthday goodie bags, half-eaten packets of biscuits leftover from the girls' whims and fancies. You get the drift. 

• Look through the cupboard above the niche shelf in the living room. I've not taken a good look in there for at least 2-3years and I believe there are stuff old enough to be discarded in there. Old towels or stuff that are probably yellow from mould and musty from age already. 

• Clear up the girls' wardrobes. There are old stuff that need to be packed or thrown or given away. There are new stuff too that need to be either opened up or given away. 

• Clear up my own wardrobe. Old clothes that I couldn't bear to throw away in past rounds of clearing are still hanging my cupboard. Part of me feels sentimental for some articles of clothing. Part of me bears a silent hope for a day to come when I will be able to wear them again. And another part of me just wants to throw them away. The internal struggle. It's real. Lol.

• Clear up the storeroom?? I have no idea what is in there actually. Things were conveniently shoved in there and then forgotten. I only have less than a 50% idea of the full list of things in there now. 
• Look through the drawers below our bed?? 4 big storage drawers, each almost filled to the brim. One contains my bags and undergarments so that's fine. The rest are filled with craft materials and the girls' things....

• Et cetera.......

Wah

This has got to be right up there as one of the most touching things someone has told me.
Came from ST, one of my team-mates and someone whom I brought into the team last last year. She's 5 years younger but I get along pretty well with her. Guess our values and approach to things are quite similar. 

"I always feel like you get me the most. 你懂我. Hahaha, next lifetime, I wanna be your sister!"

Wah.

Books...

We usually bring the girls to the Marine Parade library but parking is cumbersome there and there is not much shelter. 

Since it was raining on Sunday morning, I suggested to K to bring the girls to the library at Heartbeat@Bedok instead. 

It was a good move! The place was really nice and the kids section was comfortable and spacious. 

The layout was well-thought out and even had toys mounted on walls to occupy younger kids. 

When we bring the girls to the library, K and I would each have our own 15-20mins to search for our own materials and books. 

As usual, I ended up at the gardening section, which turned out to be quite difficult to find. 

And I ended up with these 2 books...:)

Hope to be able to learn more about both moss and bonsai...quite interested in these 2 things....

I Love You

The photo doesn't do this card justice. I swear it looks alot nicer in real life! 

As do alot of watercolour paintings....

To occupy the girls for a little while on Sunday morning, I plonked them at their desk in the living room and gave each of them a watercolour palette, water and brushes. 

And voila! Nadya came up with this card for "Mama and Dada" as well some other abstract art. 

I thought this card was simple, sweet and really pretty! 

Nice gradation of colour and good mix of blue and green...

Nadya was proud of this too and requested for it to be put up on the master bedroom wall...:D

I've been interested in watercolour painting....

Maybe I should "steal" their palettes and come up with some card designs myself....heh. 

My loves

We visited the Tsum Tsum Mid-Autumn Festival exhibition at Vivocity's SkyPark on Friday evening. 

The girls had fun and I got to admire the beautiful sunset. 

It's been ages since I saw such a pretty sight.

Bonus: Because we brought the helper along with us, I got to take uninterrupted wefies with K! 

And we managed to get a few minutes of "us" time here and there before one of the kids came to find us.