Laoniang is 38 liao!

When I was in my teens and even till my 20s, I used to think that folks in their 30s were “old”....not 60 or 70-yes-old type of old but yeah well, still old. 

I’d read news of crime and articles would always carry lines reading “the 36-yr-old woman slashed....” or “the 37-yr-old was caught...”. I’d think to myself that these people were way older than me. 

And then somehow, before I knew it, I’ve reached that age bracket too. Gosh. Like what I said to my parents. The youngest in the family is now already pushing 40! 

Laoniang 老了! 

Though in certain ways, I still feel like a young girl who is inexperienced and still has many many things to learn and experience for herself. 

I don’t have specific birthday wishes each year. I just wanna stay healthy, happy, blessed and loved. And I hope all my loved ones continue to stay healthy, happy and blessed with all the good things in the world too! And I hope for the girls to grow up healthy, happy, loving and smart. 

Ok then again, it seems I have quite a number of wishes haha. 

I got some shopping done today. Maybe around 1.5hrs of it? Short but it felt good to be able to browse through racks of clothing without little hands clinging on to you or little voices asking for your attention. It felt good to be able to grab some clothes and just head to the fitting room to try them on, without little feet rushing to follow you or little voices expressing their impatience. Lol.

Had lunch with K too! I appreciate the time spent together today...just the two of us...taking our own sweet time and not needing to rush things or cater to the whims and needs of the 2 little girls. :) 

We went home after lunch and I managed to catch at least 2-2.5hrs of sleep. 

17 October 2018. 

A simple day spent but a day to remember nonetheless. :)

What would I do if I was not working full-time?

Besides looking after the house and the children, I think I would be:

• Watching Korean dramas and variety shows
• Listening to various music
• Learning the Korean language
• Learning how to play the guitar or piano
• Learning pottery (and picking up where I left off 25 years ago)
• Learning and picking up on the art of bonsai
• Learning and doing more gardening stuff
• Learning how to crochet properly
• Learning watercolour painting
• Learning yoga (and picking up where I left off 13/14 years ago)
• Learning how to create and sustain an online business
• Brainstorming on potential online business ideas
• Catching up with friends dear to me
• Spending more time with my parents, brother and nephew

Yeah, I think I'd want to do all those things....though I wonder if I can get the chance to do so even if I was not working. Lol the list is quite long.....

9 October 2018

Nadya turned 5!
5 is a milestone.

How time flies. Really.
From a wee tot,
To an almost young lady.

She's pretty.
She's smart and speaks well.
She's hardworking and attentive in class.

And,

She's also emotional.
She's scared of new things and experiences.
She's lacking in confidence.

But I'm sure,
She'll blossom as she grows older.
She'll develop further.

Right now,
I'm just thankful that,

She's healthy.
She's happy.
She's grows steadily.

*loves*

School Projects

Alyssa had to do a fruit hat and she chose to do a strawberry....:)

Nadya had a challenging project. To do up a lion or mouse costume. She chose lion. (Which meant alot more work for the parents). K did an excellent job of thinking about the structural design of the costume....And this Mama was in charge of execution and making it happen...lol. 

p/s: I'm starting to hate all these projects.....argh........3 more years of pre-school for Alyssa and 1 more year for Nadya. I hope primary school will have less of such things!

upset

Is when you happily forgot to keep your EZ Link card in its usual place and just shoved it into your back pocket. 

Is when you happily went about your day only to realize that your card is not in your back pocket anymore near the end of the work day.

Is when you search high and low but still can’t find it. You even went to the place where you had lunch just in case it dropped there. You searched the toilets and your cubicle and your lunch wallet and nada, zilch, no have.....

Is when you realize that you have got friggin a lot of money in your card. $90 or so. 

Is when you only have yourself to blame. 

Sigh.

As a colleague said. Nvm, treat it as 破财挡灾....

Friends....

It's strange but these few days seems to be a catch-up session with people whom I've not contacted for a long while.

Texts from Suli and Chiewz.
Text conversation with Nadya's ex-classmate's (Charlotte) mum.
Text from ex-helper who's in Hong Kong.
Lunch with Patrick today.

Patrick ended up treating me cos my birthday's next week. He got me a small terrarium too, complete with a Totoro figurine inside.
Luckily I managed to grab some birthday presents for his kids 10mins before our lunch appointment hahaha...Their birthdays are in November.

Laoniang Haiku 9-7-9

Laoniang was content with Qoo10 for a long time.
Laoniang just discovered the world of Ezbuy.
Laoniang is as happy as a lark now haha.

Plants

One of my terrariums wasn't doing well in the office and I brought it home to 疗养 before the Osaka trip. I kept it on my table during the trip and kept it closed. After I came back from the trip, some parts of 2 fittonia plants inside had rotted away. And it was stinking up the terrarium :(

I think it was too hot in the house, versus what it had been used to in the cool office. There was too much moisture within as well....I had to remove all the plants within, except the moss, and replanted new fittonias inside. This new one should be ok.

===============
I have a pot of papaya seedlings. Most of them are tall and strong.
There are a bunch of smaller ones that didn't get to grow as tall as the others.
Before I went back to work, I found some time to remove the stragglers.

The leave of the papaya seedlings remind me of Japanese maple. I could not resist and I took the two strongest ones of the stragglers and repotted them in a glazed pot. The end result was that it looked like a fake maple bonsai seedling haha....

Conversations with a 3-yr-old

The other morning in the car, while on the way to school.

Alyssa: Mama, we have not listened to "Circus of Life" for a long time.
Me: "CIRCLE of Life" darling....

hahah...this was so cute...

===================
In the same car-ride, Alyssa spotted a dog outside along the road....

A: Mama! I see a coolie dog...
Me: Collie sayang....It's a collie. Coolie and collie are different things ya...

*chuckle*

Osaka

It's been a 2-week hiatus from here...mainly because we went to Osaka!
We flew off on 28 September and flew home on 6 October.

Some stuff from the trip....

1. The Girls: On the Plane, Eating Habits, Relationship
I'm still amazed at how Nadya can watch 6 hours worth of cartoons going to Osaka, and another 6 hours worth of cartoon on the flight back from Osaka. I'd be doggone tired but she was still ok lol. She got pretty good at operating the touchscreen monitor and could make her own selections once I switched her monitor to "kids mode".

The girls ate well while there. They fed themselves mostly and there was not too much whining though they were sometimes still distracted. We brought a whole lot of milk powder for their before-sleep feeds and for Alyssa's middle-of-the-night feeds....BUT, for some reason, they didn't drink at all. Alyssa requested for milk sometimes but when we made the milk in a cup for her...she'd take a few sips and then reject the milk. Maybe it's because she still drinks from a bottle at home. Anyway, we ended up bringing back the entire pack of milk powder......

Nadya was a trooper...She walked alot during our stay in Osaka and although she sometimes complained of being tired, and whined a little, with some encouragement and goading, she still managed to trudge on. There were times that K had to carry her though, all 17/18kg of her, as she was really cranky and tired out from the walking.

Alyssa....sigh. I carried her alot and I went to bed each night aching and sore like f*ck. That's carrying 13kg and walking everywhere...sometimes up and down staircases too.

I think the girls grew closer during the trip. *hearts* And I think Nadya developed more of her caring side as a big sister. I'd like to think it was partly due to me asking her for help to look after Alyssa. Sometimes, if they were both walking, I'd ask Nadya to hold hands with Alyssa and make sure she keeps to the side of the road or the pavement. Or I'd seek Nadya's help to brush Alyssa's hair, etc...I saw her taking her own initiative and guiding Alyssa along and looking after her the other day...my heart felt so warm seeing that...:)

2. Dotonburi 
Tourist trap area haha. Some shops are pricier but there are still some places selling reasonably priced food. The area is busy and tourists mill around at all times of the day. Still it makes for a nice stroll, especially at night when all the neon signs and streetlights light up.

We of course had to take the obligatory picture with the iconic Mr Glico Man and the moving mechanical crab haha. K was disappointed that we didn't get to try many many types of food...but well, when you've two kids with you...sometimes ti does get difficult to queue up or step into different restaurants.

3. Chouette Owl Cafe
I'm glad we went to this cafe. We went out of our way to find 2 cat cafes on Monday but they both didn't accept kids below the age of 7 or 10 and we were quite disappointed. So I was really happy we managed to go the the owl cafe. The girls liked the owls so much K ended up buying them an owl feather each.

Alyssa's and my favourite owls were Azuki and Chip. K liked a white snowy owl called Arashi and Nadya didn't have any particular favourite I think. Alyssa was initially afraid and didn't dare to pet the birds but gathered up her courage after awhile.

I had mixed feelings about the birds though. While I appreciated the opportunity to interact and pat them up close, I also felt sad that they were chained to wooden perches and were not flying around in their natural habitat.

4. Nara Park
We took the Kintetsu Line out to Nara, a neighbouring town from Osaka. Nara Park had deer roaming around and we bought deer feed for them. Bad idea cos we were immediately swarmed by deer big and small, male and female. Alyssa was in my arms and clinging on to me for dear life. Nadya was spooked as well and started shrieking. Lol, other tourists were looking at us being surrounded by the deer. K got bitten on his belly by an aggressive male buck looking for food. We ended up throwing some of the feed on the ground to get away from the deer....I didn't even get to pet one because whenever I tried putting my hand out, one of them would think there was food and would try to chomp down on my hand...

Things got alot calmer once we managed to get away from that main group of deer. We managed to explore parts of the surrounding park and I was glad we did so. Nadya acted up a little but soon found joy in playing with the gravel on the ground lol. Both girls were squatting down and grabbing handfuls of the gravel. The architecture of the temples and shrines there were quite nice...It was also a very bright and sunny day and it made for good pictures. :)

5. Kaiyukan (Osaka Aquarium)
This place really impressed me. We did not only see fishes, we saw other animals like seals, sealions, penguins and capybara too. Their main tank located in the centre of the building was a huge-ass tank which housed whale sharks, manta rays and giant garoupa as well as other types of smaller fishes. I was awed by this main tank and totally loved the visit to the Kaiyukan! The way they displayed the jellyfishes was also very artistic and cool. If the SEA aquarium in Singapore is rated an 8, I'd say the one in Osaka is a 9. :)

6. Kuromon Ichiba Market
We got lost when we exited the subway. It was only our 2nd day in the city and we were still confused by the mainly Japanese signs. We spent a good 15-20mins just trying to figure out which direction to go and where to walk. Only to realise that the entrance to the market was actually just a minute's walk away haha. K was excited to visit the market. There were loads of stuff to eat and try. I was erm,,,less enthusiastic though. I'm not so adventurous when it comes to food, especially street food. He tried fugu (puffer fish), eel, whale meat, eel innards and sea urchin. The girls were mainly just curious about the various types of seafood around and the different colours of the stalls...we ended up having udon for lunch at a small restaurant.

7. Food in general
K kept complaining that we didn't get to try sushi. I complained that we didn't get to try gyoza and okonomiyaki. But actually.....we did try these things - oyako-don, gyu-don, cold and hot soba, various types of udon, ramen, takoyaki, saba, rolled egg, and omu rice. We even got the chance to have dinner at a Japanese grill place where we grilled/barbequed our own food).

One thing that surprised me was that the food there was quite salty and heavily seasoned. I started having a sore throat after 3-4 days there. Too salty for my liking actually. As for it being heavily seasoned....well, what more to expect coming from the land that invented MSG? haha...

8. Subway
Way too many stairs haha. Some of the interchanges were twice (or more) as large as our Dhoby Ghaut interchange. We were lost a couple of times and most of the time, we had to walk very far just to change lines...Still, I'm amazed at how well-connected the city is. Even more amazed but the number of subway lines and privately run railway lines. The first time I saw the map while planning for the trip, I was utterly confused about how to get from point A to point B haha.

9. Weather
We thought the weather would be 15-25C and we went on a shopping spree to get heat-tech and thicker stuff for the girls. We stocked up on long pants and long sleeves for the girls. It ended up being around 27-28C in the day....with the sun sometimes being as strong or strong than that in Singapore. The only good thing is that Japan's not as humid as Singapore and you sweat less as a result. It only got cold on one night when it started raining and got chilly.

Last but not least....

10. Plants
I loved all the temperate plants and trees that grew there...so pretty...
Moss was also plentiful along the sidewalks and pathways...basically you could find moss anywhere you went. Sometimes they were thick and so fluffy I wanted to dig them out and bring them back to Singapore...I saw many types of maple and pine too...and other coniferous trees...They were all so pretty I was tempted to break off some branches to bring back to Singapore in the hope of rooting them....Alas, I didn't. But it made my heart full to see the pretty foliage there. :)

Sister Fight

The girls got into a quarrel yesterday. Well, actually it was more one-sided this time round.

Nadya was packing up a toy which they'd both been playing, because it was time for her to do her speech and drama homework. Alyssa was supposed to stop playing and go change into her PJs.

Alyssa got pissed that Nadya was packing up and started fighting with her. She tried to snatch the toy away from Nadya. Nadya, being the taller and nimbler one, managed to dodge and continued packing the toy away. I stepped in and took the toy away, announcing that no one would have the toy now but Dada and Mama.

Alyssa wailed big time. Screamed. Lay on the floor. Kicked. You have it.

Finally she got up, stomped over to Nadya and tried to grapple with her. Nadya was stoic and stood her ground. Alyssa screamed one more time and took a frustrated swipe at Nadya's head.

Gosh, it was a loud smack. I could tell Nadya was surprised and hurt. Her eyes widened and started turning red. She held back her tears though. I've to give her credit for that. I thought she would have bawled right there and then but she instead recovered pretty quickly and walked over to the writing desk to start on her homework. I think she didn't cry or fuss too much because she knew she wasn't at fault.

Alyssa on the other hand....Right after the smack, I scolded her and told her "No hitting!". She cried even louder in response. She then stormed back to her room. Kyne went to settle her while I stayed with Nadya to finish her work.

Eventually, Alyssa was still crying and wanted me. I had to go and be with her. She settled down quite soon after I went in to be with her. Had to go through the whole spiel of "no hitting of anyone", "need to apologise", etc....She requested me to be with her when she went to apologise to Nadya...

Finally all ended well...Alyssa said sorry to Nadya, Nadya said ok. Both girls hugged...Alyssa hugged K and me too...it was a hug fest lol...

Before we slept that night, Alyssa announced "I love jiejie"...lol.

I hope the two of you grow closer and look after each other next time ok? Have each other's back ya!
Watch out for each other...and love each other fiercely!

Like Those Lovely Salmon Rising Against the River Stream

I recently discovered a Korean folk rock song from 1998. It's got a long quirky title but the lyrics are only a little quirky and pretty meaningful....



Like those lively salmon rising against the river stream
By Kang San Ae

For the same mysterious reasons

that salmons rise against

the river stream of their own will.

 

I don’t know since when,

I’ve been walking, walking

and walking this road.

I wonder how much further

I have to go in the days ahead.

 

Among many prongs of a fork in the road.

Even if this path that I’m walking

is an inevitable detour onto a winding road.

Though it will harden my feet

if I keep walking, walking and walking,

I will be lying down in those wide flower beds to take some rest.

 

Among many prongs of a fork in the road.

Even if this path that I’m walking is in the pitch black dark, even without starlight

I cannot just give up now.

If I keep walking, walking and walking

I will be able to see the sunlight

That’s passionately shattered for me

 

Even so I know I have been blessed so much

with so many roads to choose to walk ahead of me

Right, if I start walking again

If I keep walking, walking and walking

One day I’ll be thankful for all these things

 

The end of the road is not in sight

You hang your weary shoulders and sigh but

please don’t be afraid

Like those lively salmon rising against the river stream

If you keep walking

If you keep walking

If you keep walking…

Hang in there my little plant!

And suddenly....my office terrarium is not doing too well...:(

After I rescued Kah Hui's and pruned it, it's thriving again...but mine's the one now looking a little bedraggled...Silly me added to much water and I hope it's not drowning. Took me more than 2 weeks to realise that it's quite waterlogged...:(

The red fittonia is doing ok...the white/geen one is getting limp and a little brown....
Hang in there!!

I'm going on leave till 9 Oct...I hope it survives till then when I can do something proper about it....

Happy Birthday Peanut!

Today's the 24th of September 2018.

It is the 15th day of the 8th lunar month i.e. Mid-Autumn Festival.

It is also Alyssa's birthday! Our littlest baby is now 3!

She's bulked up more in the last 1-2 months and finally moved past the 12.5kg mark. She's at 12.8kg now so a big yay to this! She's a parrot of sorts and repeats alot of what Nadya says. But she's also got a mind of her own and says what she wants at other times too. Her pronunciation is still not too clear yet though and I hope it gets better in time to come...:)

She has this strange way of running that looks more like she's hopping. And it's oddly charming. :)

She's also got a great, infectious smile and an absolutely killer cheeky grin that melts the hardest of hearts. Her eyes twinkle and her small dimple on her left lower cheek adds even more charm to her pretty face.

She's developed quite a temper in recent weeks. A simple "no" or a chide for something she's done wrong ignites a wailfest or a screamfest or a kickfest. You get the drift.

She's starting again to want me whenever I take a shower in the evening after work. She'd be screaming and lying on the floor in front of the bathroom door. I'd hear the door handle rattle when she's trying with all her might to open the door. I'd hear her knocking on the door while screaming "I want Mama!" She'd stop as soon as I open the door. And then the smile comes back within minutes. (Talk about Jekyll and Hyde lol...)

You're growing well sweetie...I hope you stay strong, healthy, happy and blessed always.
May all good things come your way often and may you continue to learn and grow your mind in myriad ways! Just know too that Dada, Mama and Jiejie love you to bits! We have your back!

17 September 2018

The day marked the close of my 11th year with the company.

Today is the 18th of September 2018. It marks the start of my 12th year with the company.

When I started here, I didn't think about how long I would stay here or what I wanted to achieve here. I just plodded along and took whatever came my way, special projects and all. Somehow, it became so many years.

I also experienced many things in my life and hit many milestones during my stint here....

• my 3 years of learning French
• a bad breakup
• a passionate romance with K ;p
• our ROM
• our wedding
• Nadya's birth
• Alyssa's birth
• shifting out of my childhood home
• shifting into my inlaws' place
• buying of our own home
• building of our nest
• buying of our car
• hiring my own helper

I wonder how many more years would I be here with the company? .....

Birds of a feather

The Coll has 2 other good friends in the office. I don't like both of them too. (Because well....birds of a feather flock together) Other than polite cursory greetings when we meet by the walkway, I try not to engage in further conversations with them.

One of them, BE, was in the pantry today when I was preparing my salad. She sauntered over while holding a cup of blueberries and popping them into her mouth. She asked in a more than incredulous voice if I was only havign that small cup of salad for lunch. I said no and that I'd already had a full meal. This cup of salad was just an add-on. More like a snack of sorts.

She positioned herself at the counter next to me and started staring at every single thing I was doing. Like WTH? And then she continued commenting on everything I was doing as well. She also kept insisting that I was not having enough.

"你这样是不够的。Not enough." She followed up with a "tsk tsk" look. My blood pressure was rising.

"What do you mean not enough? I already had a bowl of noodles."

"你这样是不够的。Not enough." She repeated.
At this point I had no idea if she was referring to me eating too little in general or that I was not eating enough vegetables for the day.

I kind of ignored her for the rest of the comments that came. Mostly mindless stuff about eating berries and washing vegetables and fruits and how I should be washing my veggies in a certain way.

Please. Just bugger off.
老娘 likes it this way and so it shall be. I don't need you commenting and giving your opinion on what I should be eating or how much I should be eating ir how I should prepare my food. Also, bear in mind that we're not exactly that close for you to be imposing your thoughts and opinions on me.

Nadya...and her not-so-soft voice

Nadya embarrassed me much on 2 occassions. Both took place in women's public washrooms but on 2 separate incidents.

Incident #1
We were in the same cubicle and I had to pee as well. I did so in front of her.
She then announced in her sibei loud voice....

"Mama! Next time when I get older I will grow hair down there like you!"

???!!!  *face palm*

There were people washing their hands at the sinks lah!!...
I waited for them to go out before I slunk out of the cubicle ....

Incident #2
All cubicles were taken so we waited. Finally a lady came out of one...when we moved in, it was obvious she had just settled something big. Nadya exclaimed....

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! So smelly!!!!!!!"

Omg. The lady was still at the sink...I quickly shushed Nadya and nudged her into the cubicle quickly...
It was embarrassing for me and probably even more so for that lady as well haha....

Offers of Food

I appreciate it if people offer me food or snacks in the office. I really do....
I just don't like it that much if people force me to accept their snacks or food.

"Why don't want?"
"Aiyah! You can afford to eat lah! Just take!"
"Aiyah, no need to be paiseh. Just take!"
"Everybody took liao, why you never take?"

I don't want means don't want lor...it's not that I am paiseh to take or what...but I really don't want to eat it....So...erm...don't force me to take can?!

Sometimes, I get odd looks and sometimes people just insist and leave the food on my table and walk off, leaving me staring at their backs.

But there are times when people just move on after I decline them politely. I appreciate these times....

I just had a quarter of a mooncake dumped on my desk even though I declined politely....sigh....
I'm too full to eat. And I can't throw it away too cos it's such a waste....

See if I can offload it to someone else later......

Watercolouring

I like many things and I am also interested in various things. Some of my interests require in-depth training and learning, which I either cannot afford the money on or I can't accord the time to.
Some other interests like colouring, and gardening, is more accessible to me...

I'd been interested in watercolours for some time but never really dabbled in it. The girls were doing painting over the weekend and I had a sudden inspiration to try playing with it too.

So there I was, huddled over the girls' small IKEA plastic table, armed with a cheapo Popular house brand paintbrush (which was getting matted and damaged already) and drawing paper, flanked by a cheapo watercolour tray from Daiso and accompanied by a small plastic cup of water.

Took me several strokes before I got the hang of it...And here is my first watercolour piece....more like a trial piece haha...

Gerberas....or at least my interpretation of them. The colour of the picture doesn't do much justice to the actual work though. :) I think it looked much nicer in real life haha. Nothing fantastic, but still, it was a good virgin attempt.

I got inspired and as usual, acting on my whim, I bought watercolour paper and a fresh set of better quality paintbrushes from Popular the next day. I also watched 2 videos on watercolour painting....

And voila...the works I did yesterday...

Nothing fantastic BUT, you can definitely see the improvement in the ombres, gradients and textures. :)

And again, the paintings look much better in real like....I'm not a good photographer and somehow always ends up taking dull photos of the paintings....not sure why though....

Hope to find some time again to paint a little...am thinking of using these to make cards for friends and family...:)

Jiayou

Didn't sleep till 215am. Was woken up at 430am and then again at 630am.

Alyssa slept quite badly last night due to her stuffed, runny nose and bad cough. She's starting to sound quite phlegmy as well.

Fingers crossed that she will get well soon.

Fingers crossed also that I will survive today in the office....feeling a little groggy and breathless...tummy doesn't feel too good as well with her semi-lying on me and squashing my tummy for most of last night.

Of flies and buffaloes....

From time to time, I take a walk through Nadya's classroom at her pre-school, to look at the children's works hanging on the walls or displayed in files by their form teacher.

Yesterday, I saw one of Nadya's work It was so cute. They were learning "ff" and "ll" words as well as words that started with the letters "f" and "l". The kids are usually given free rein to construct their own sentences, but they need to use words containing "ff", "ll", "f" and "l".

She wrote this.....

"The fly was flying and bumped into a buffalo. The fly yelled and then found a lamp."

Hahaha...Quite corny but so cute...!

The Gift of Life

I've had good friends undergo IVF and other fertility treatments but they mainly kept the experience to themselves. In one case, I only heard about it when they managed to successfully conceive.

I guess, for something so personal and emotional, it might sometimes be best to keep the journey to themselves. Too much sharing may get unwanted questions from others, which may in turn trigger emotional floodgates.

Recently though, someone has chosen to share her journey with me. Maybe it is because we are in the same team at work. Maybe because she feels close to me. Maybe she feels I understand her. Whatever it is,  ST has been going for various medical tests and treatments and hormone injections for what is known as an IUI treatment. She has been sharing some stuff with me from time to time.

I really salute her bravery and determination. Definitely not easy to get an injection to the belly every night. The whole process and journey is challenging physically, mentally and emotionally. She confessed to me recently though that she was finding it increasingly difficult to keep a check on her emotions. She was starting to feel the strain and stress of it all. I could only encourage her and remind her to manage her own expectations.

She went for a checkup today to see if she has successfully conceived. She skyped me earlier on with a concise "Result out le. Unsuccessful."

Sigh...jiayou gal...

Go where you are wanted

https://www.scarymommy.com/what-i-realized-after-ghosted-by-best-friend/?utm_source=FB

I saw this article on Facebook and it resonated with me.

Some extracts:

"How often, I suddenly realized, I have spent time knocking on the doors of those who don’t want me, trying to convince them I’m worth it. Years I’ve spent worried, wondering what I might be able to do to make myself valuable enough for their attention......

......I’ve never been a person lacking friends and love. And yet those people who love me have gently stood in the wings waiting for me to finish standing onstage before those who don’t love me, tap dancing my ass off in hopes that one of them might clap.

It is not selfish to go where you are wanted, either. It is self-love and self-care to allow the people who love you to love you hard, and to gently release those who don’t...."

I had had difficulty letting go of some people. People who used to be close with me and on good terms but suddenly chose not to stay in contact or who chose to ignore when I reached out. Two of them I'd known for decades. I now know the term for it: "ghosted".

It took years of doubt, of reaching out (to no avail), of keeping those friends at the back of my mind, and lots of to-ing and fro-ing between wanting to let things be and wanting to try to reach out again, before I finally came to terms with myself and with the situation. I finally let go.

As the article says, go where you are wanted.

People come, people go. Accept that some folks no longer want or need you in their lives. Accept that they once left a mark in your life and they have since moved on and you should to. Focus your attention on those dear friends who have stuck around for so long.

Conversations with an almost 5-year old

The other night at home. I was sitting on the floor, knees drawn up in front of me. Feet were planted on the ground 30-50cm in front of me. My chubby calves were hanging loose.

Nadya came by and poked my calves. They wobbled. She poked again. They wobbled again. And then wobbled some more.

She announced: "Eeee Mama, you are like jelly. You have jelly legs. I like jelly."

And then she shrieked with glee and guffawed.

-_- '''

Less junk, Less gunk??

Nope, note there yet.

Less junk, less gunk was my motto for the year but I've not had much time and luck in trying to stick to it.

Everywhere I look in my house, there's a pile of stuff waiting to be looked at and sorted through to determine if it's to be thrown or kept. Every single room in the house needs to be looked at. There are old clothes to be packed away, kids toys to be packed away or discarded, etc.

FFS. I think I even need to look through the refrigerator to determine what needs to be thrown away or kept because the helper is scared to throw things away even if they are past expiry.

Forgotten corners are collecting mega dustballs and hair. Missed areas by the helper still have a layer of oil and dirt on them. I need to nag/remind/show/guide her to be more thorough.

It's grating on my nerves and weighing on my mind somewhat. I wish I could have many more days of leave at my disposal. So that I can take a whole week's worth just to clean and clear up the house.

Close one eye and 看开多一点? Already看开alot compared to last time. How else will there will be organically growing mounds of stuff in various nooks and crannies of the house? Sigh....

I need to:

• Clear up my desk. Managed to clear one round a few months back but now mounds of letters, papers, school notes, kids drawings, forgotten pencils, rubber bands, hair ties and hair clips are piling up again. 

• Clear up the chest of drawers in the living room. 2 small drawers. But they are bursting and spilling over with notebooks, storybooks, random colour pencils, crayons, pom poms, art pieces from school, art work from home, paints, magic pens, etc. Managed to throw away a pile of stuff the other day while the girls were napping. Hope to clear more from these 2 drawers soon.

• Clear up the niche shelf in the living room. Same thing. Filling up with more drawings and artwork, bits and pieces of stuff from toys, other trinkets, school art pieces, furry pens, forgotten keychains, stationery, etc. 

• Clear up the kitchen cupboard filled with snacks and biscuits. Remnants from birthday goodie bags, half-eaten packets of biscuits leftover from the girls' whims and fancies. You get the drift. 

• Look through the cupboard above the niche shelf in the living room. I've not taken a good look in there for at least 2-3years and I believe there are stuff old enough to be discarded in there. Old towels or stuff that are probably yellow from mould and musty from age already. 

• Clear up the girls' wardrobes. There are old stuff that need to be packed or thrown or given away. There are new stuff too that need to be either opened up or given away. 

• Clear up my own wardrobe. Old clothes that I couldn't bear to throw away in past rounds of clearing are still hanging my cupboard. Part of me feels sentimental for some articles of clothing. Part of me bears a silent hope for a day to come when I will be able to wear them again. And another part of me just wants to throw them away. The internal struggle. It's real. Lol.

• Clear up the storeroom?? I have no idea what is in there actually. Things were conveniently shoved in there and then forgotten. I only have less than a 50% idea of the full list of things in there now. 
• Look through the drawers below our bed?? 4 big storage drawers, each almost filled to the brim. One contains my bags and undergarments so that's fine. The rest are filled with craft materials and the girls' things....

• Et cetera.......

Wah

This has got to be right up there as one of the most touching things someone has told me.
Came from ST, one of my team-mates and someone whom I brought into the team last last year. She's 5 years younger but I get along pretty well with her. Guess our values and approach to things are quite similar. 

"I always feel like you get me the most. 你懂我. Hahaha, next lifetime, I wanna be your sister!"

Wah.

Books...

We usually bring the girls to the Marine Parade library but parking is cumbersome there and there is not much shelter. 

Since it was raining on Sunday morning, I suggested to K to bring the girls to the library at Heartbeat@Bedok instead. 

It was a good move! The place was really nice and the kids section was comfortable and spacious. 

The layout was well-thought out and even had toys mounted on walls to occupy younger kids. 

When we bring the girls to the library, K and I would each have our own 15-20mins to search for our own materials and books. 

As usual, I ended up at the gardening section, which turned out to be quite difficult to find. 

And I ended up with these 2 books...:)

Hope to be able to learn more about both moss and bonsai...quite interested in these 2 things....

I Love You

The photo doesn't do this card justice. I swear it looks alot nicer in real life! 

As do alot of watercolour paintings....

To occupy the girls for a little while on Sunday morning, I plonked them at their desk in the living room and gave each of them a watercolour palette, water and brushes. 

And voila! Nadya came up with this card for "Mama and Dada" as well some other abstract art. 

I thought this card was simple, sweet and really pretty! 

Nice gradation of colour and good mix of blue and green...

Nadya was proud of this too and requested for it to be put up on the master bedroom wall...:D

I've been interested in watercolour painting....

Maybe I should "steal" their palettes and come up with some card designs myself....heh. 

My loves

We visited the Tsum Tsum Mid-Autumn Festival exhibition at Vivocity's SkyPark on Friday evening. 

The girls had fun and I got to admire the beautiful sunset. 

It's been ages since I saw such a pretty sight.

Bonus: Because we brought the helper along with us, I got to take uninterrupted wefies with K! 

And we managed to get a few minutes of "us" time here and there before one of the kids came to find us. 

Just......saying........

Email, SMS, Whatsapp, Skype messages. They do save time and facilitate our communications.

But sometimes, having a good face-to-face chat is still best.

Words and tone do get misconstrued in a non-verbal, purely written environment.

Just saying.

Spree

Just did a self-spree on Qoo10 again. To feed my terrarium hobby....
Another $52 gone haha. ;) This time round it was to stock up on vessels (bought 5 of them) and figurines (erm...almost uncountable lol).

I've been keeping track and I've spent $220 so far in the last 4 months for my terrarium and gardening pursuits, including today's purchase.

After today's purchase, I suddenly realised....I'm running out of space for my terrariums..
Gave 1 away. 2 are on my office desk and 1 open air succulent terrarium is still at home as I'm closely monitoring how it's faring (since it's my first time doing something like that). I also have a mini terrium of 2 growing marimo balls...this one is sitting unceremoniously in my kitchen. No choice, I don't have any other ledge/space/platform to put it at where the kids can't reach!

With 5 new vessels on the way....I need to figure out where to put them when I'm done doing them up...

Planning to make 1 to be put at my parents' place. I think they lack greenery in their house haha.

May I find time to do up these little garden jars!

Pray Tell

Sometimes I do wonder how I manage to tahan a working day when all I had the night before was roughly 6 or 7 hours of intermittent sleep, which was interrupted a good 5 times in between by one or both the kids.

Yep, happened last night again.

Each interruption took anywhere between 10 to 30mins to revolve. So actually on the whole I think I only slept 4 hours yesterday?

Pray tell, this desperate Mama is wondering how to get her kids to sleep properly...................:(

MC on 23 Aug

Was on MC yesterday. Had a bad tummy with cramps and diarrhoea and some nausea.
Accompanied K to watch a movie in the morning.  (Yes, I know, I was supposed to be resting...sigh)

Went home thereafter, had lunch and started packing the goodie bags for the girls' birthday celebrations in school in the coming 1-1.5mths...

Feels nice to do mundane and mechanical stuff. No need that much brain power.

Stuff for Nadya's classmates

Stuff for both Nadya's and Alyssa's classmates.... 

Stuff for Alyssa's classmates.....

Hokkien baby

I'm happy that Nadya is taking an interest in Hokkien...:)

She has been repeating "ey sai" and "buay sai" on and off for the last week or so haha. It means "can" and "cannot" in Hokkien.

She also knows "bang sai", "pi sai" and "chau"...erm..."to shit", "nose wax" and "smelly" respectively. Interestingly, most of these hokkien words that she knows all end with "sai"....lol...

Here's to more Hokkien in the future! While my kids should be strong in English and proficient in Mandarin, I do hope that they will be able to speak Hokkien and Malay like me too.

I am not an expert in Hokkien and can only hold simple conversations using it but I think dialects rock! And we should not let them die off....

I didn't know!

On a lighter note, I never realised that some of the National Day/patriotic/community songs are actually composed wayyyyy back in the 1960s! gosh...

Singapura, Sunny Island - 1962
Munnaeru Vaalibaa - 1966
Singapore Town - 1967
5 Stars Arising  -1969

Being songs that I grew up with, I always thought the songs were composed and written during my era i.e. the 80s.....I just realised how wrong I am!

In fact, when Singapura Sunny Island was first released, my mum was only 12 years old!
Wow, that really puts things into prespective haha.

累了

There are days when all I want to do is to lay down and sleep. Or veg out and let my mind do mindless stuff.

Today is one of those days. And these days are increasing in numbers....

My body is in office now. But my mind is floating around somewhere. I am tired. Quite tired. I cannot concentrate. My eyes are dry and itchy today. My neck is aching, as always.

The constant interruptions each night is wearing my patience thin, and wearing me out somewhat...I wake once when Nadya wants to go to the toilet and Alyssa has recently started waking at least 4 times during the night.

I don't know what to do except to trudge on mindlessly.....
Jiayou Michelle. Jiayou.

Last night

Slept 2 hours.
And then kept awake by an extremely cranky Alyssa for another 2 hours.
And then slept for a final 2.5hours.

That makes it 4.5hours of sleep in total.

All because of a damn plaster and the rashes it caused Alyssa, and her stubborn refusal to remove it, and her shrieking when I finally yanked it off her at 3am in the morning, and her subsequent meltdown, and her kicking, and .....you get the drift....

Panda eyes are totally in their element today. Dark and obvious.

I took essence of chicken this morning just so I could have more energy for work today....

Praying for a good night's sleep tonight.
Fingers crossed big time. Toes too.

Ti-gong boh pi....

FML Moment

The other day, I had an ulcer in my mouth. Near my front right incisor.
It started out small and grew larger over the course of 2-3 days. :(

And during that period of time, I woke one morning to find I had a pimple on my face. Near the spot where the ulcer was, just that the pimple was on the outside of the face and the ulcer was inside.

But both were at the same spot or almost at the same spot.

It was a FML moment lol. That area felt so sore for those 2 days....

Full Fool!

We were having breakfast on Sunday morning.

Nadya: Dada, you fool!
Me: ????!!!!!!

I was shocked that she knew this phrase. And then I realised later....
Oh...my bad. She actually meant "Dada, you full?" as in....Are you full from the food yet?

LOL....

..........

Why do I allow myself to always end up doing things that is against my better judgement as a mother? 

Frustrating. 

I don’t seem to learn or am I too much of a doormat? 

Time check: 1am. Just showered after Alyssa puked on me. Why did she puke? Because we force-fed her some medication that was supposed to help her with stomach pain. She’d been complaining of tummyache since before she slept and had woken up at least 2-3 times since 915pm. 

I’m sorry sayang...for having done that to you. I’m really sorry. 

Let Go, Let's Go

I recently attended a training on Becoming the CEO of Your Work and Life.

One of the running themes in the course was "letting go".

Let go of your emotional baggage.
Let go of things past.
Let go of unhappy incidents.
Let go of toxic relationships.
Let go of bad emotions.

And the list goes on.

For they cannot be undone.
And keeping them in your heart or mind will just gnaw away at you little by little.

Let go and the journey forward will be lighter and brighter.

I do have some things that I need to let go of.
I should learn to let go and when I learn how to do that better....I can then shout Let's Go!

Music

Meditation music accompanied me at work today. I have a particular 6-hour long Mv that I listen to from Youtube and it's by YellowBrickCinema.

Also making it on the list today are Tanya Chua, Wang Lee Hom, Beyond, Wang Feng and popular OSTs like Xia Hu's 那些年 and Hebe Tien's 小幸运....

Giving Kpop a rest today and going back to my Chinese stuff...afterall, I spent a good 15 years "chasing" Chinese pop...:)

Chronology

24 July 2011. 
K and I were having dinner at The Cliff in Sentosa. He popped the question. It was partly a surprise and partly not. Call it a woman's 6th sense. You just know when the atmosphere's a little different from usual. I said yes.

8 October 2011. 
Our ROM at True Blue Cuisine! I think we pulled it off nicely in just 2 months. From signing up a wedding studio and package, to finding a venue for our ROM, to engaging the Justice of Peace and attending a Love Language and counselling session with him, to doing our ROM dress fitting and bouquet....I was very happy that Granny was present at the ROM and that she was able to indulge in her favourite Peranakan dishes.

22 July 2012. 
Our Chinese wedding! Weeks and months of  preps. Budgeting, photoshoots, trial make-up sessions, dress fitting sessions, entourage planning, schedule planning, table and invitation planning, etc...K with his band of brothers...me with my band of sisters (and my good male buddy being a sister wannabe haha)...our families and friends and colleagues. Dinner was at the Four Seasons!


How time flies. It's been 7 years after our ROM and 6 years after our Chinese wedding. And in that span of time we went from a unit of 2 to a family of 4. It's also been 9.5 years since we first got together.

Thank you sayang, for being there with me and for me over the years. Of course it's not been entirely smooth-sailing and there are the usual ups and downs....but I'm just glad that it's you I'm journeying with. Like what we told each other a long time ago....我们手牵手一起走....:) To many more years ahead!

That feeling

That you want to do more.
That you can do more.
That you should do more.

To contribute and help others.
To give back to society.
To grow and develop yourself.

Dream

I had an awesome dream last night. Well, sort of. It was equal parts exciting and sinister.
It ended prematurely though...to my dismay. All because Alyssa woke me up. Bah.

I dreamt that for some reason or another, Baekhyun (of EXO) started woo-ing me. Oh imagine the euphoria I had in the dream! Mega Kpop star woo-ing the insignificant me leh! I was over the moon!

For the sinister portion....because Baekhyun and I ended up being together, one of his crazed fans went apeshit on me and started stalking me and trying to harm me.

She was chasing me in slow-mo through an abandoned carpark which strangely still had cars parked in some lots, though they were all old, broken or rusted.

Therein lies the commonality of alot of my dreams...I'm always on the run or trying to escape a place. "That place" is usually a school though from time to time it changes to something else. In this case, it was an abandoned carpark. And invariably, all these places that appear in my dreams where I'm running away or trying to escape, would have complicated architectural structures. Lots of staircases, lift landings, lifts, mezzanines, pillars, blind corners, etc. Maybe my sub-consciousness is trying to be a horror movie producer.

Sinister stuff aside...Baekhyun! One of the cuties from EXO. Erm...he is rather young though. I'd be deemed a cradle snatcher if I were really with him lol. He's a good 12 years younger than me and has a great voice. Wonder how he ended up in my dream though. I've not been listening to their songs recently and he's not my main bias too.

We were on a sweet outing to someplace nice and romantic...I'm not sure how we communicated though. He was speaking to me in Korean but somehow I understood and could converse with him as well...We were going off to another place...

And then "Mama!! Mama!!"

Alyssa just had to.

Oh well.

Bah. Who will it be tonight? D.O.? Chanyeol? Lay? RM?

p/s: To my darling K, I still love you much ok...:)

Of Starts and Stops

My walking journey (which I hope to lead up to a jogging routine) hasn't been very smooth at all since the start of the year....

There would be a few sessions where I would do ok and I could have the time and chance to go for walks. And then I'd either fall ill or one of the girls would fall ill and my routine would get haywire.

So it's been a start, stop, start, stop jerky effort since the start of the year. And once you stop, your stamina (or whatever meagre amount left of it) goes back to zilch again and you need effort to get your engine and motivation going again...

Hope it all works out well in the end....
Fingers crossed.

Need. To. Get. It. Going.

DEFTT

Desperate, Exasperated, Frustrated, Tired and....Tired....

Felt like crying last night but I had no tears...

Alyssa woke every hour from 1130pm till 530am. Each time she woke, she had to be placated by me carrying her. By the time I settled her down to sleep again, or gave her her medication, it would be anywhere between 10-30mins gone. And around 45mins to an hour later she'd wake again.

It's been like this since Saturday. Her best stretch was maybe a 2-hour stretch on one of the nights.

That's worse then a newborn's schedule.

Back to work today after 2 days of medical leave. Zombiefied.
Discovered I was running a slight temperature while on the way to work.
Popped panadol and am trying to get some things done. May head home thereafter to work from home. See how it goes.....

In the meantime, Alyssa...please get well soon and quickly...
Nadya, please get well soon too....

Michelle, jiayou....

rough week so far

Nadya vomitted once last Friday night but had no fever. PD said she had stomach flu. She then started having fever on Monday night and peaked at 39C on Tuesday evening.

Alyssa started having fever on Sat afternoon and vomitted twice in the evening. Her fever went quite high and peaked at 39.3C. It only broke the 38C mark on Tuesday afternoon. She is extremely cranky but I’m glad the fever is on a downtrend. 

As for myself, I vomitted 4-5 times on Monday night. LS-ed 3-4 times as well. The retching and expelling left me giddy, breathless, queasy and weak. I crashed for an hour from 10-11pm and felt much better thereafter though still queasy. Managed to still look after both girls that night. On 2 days’ MC for Tues and Wed.

Every night since Sat night has been rough. That makes it 4 nights already. Both girls take turns waking up, either due to tummy aches or wanting to drink milk (because they didn’t eat anything during the day), or wanting to pee or be carried, or because of a heavily stuffed nose, or due to a dream, or.....just because. On average, I wake every hour each night. Feeling quite tired zapped out by now. Though I’m thankful I managed to nap for 3.5hrs yesterday afternoon. (We’d left both girls with the inlaws.) 

Also...the car is at the workshop and seems like a lot needs to be done.

K’s aunt was warded yesterday due to a mild stroke. 

And my office laptop refused to boot up since last night so I can’t clear some of the work that I’d been intending to. 

Breathe in, breathe out. 

Sigh...

Of Fights and Squabbles and Tears and Tantrums and....Sisters

The 2 girls have been gong at each other for the past 2-3 nights before bedtime. I'd finish reading a book and leave the room to make their bedtime milk. It'll be approximately 2-3minutes later when I'd hear a cry or a shriek or a shout. 

Usually Nadya would come sobbing out of the room and telling/complaining to me about what Alyssa had done. And, usually it'll be that Alyssa took a swipe at her head or pinched her arm or scratched her somewhere. Sometimes the scratches really do draw blood. 

Sometimes though, after probing, being the honest girl that she is, Nadya would admit that she was the one who started the fracas. Alyssa, whether guilty or not, whether she's the one who started it or not, would always be quietly sitting or standing in the room, sulking and glaring at Nadya, while Nadya tells me the story of what happened. 

I'd make the girls sit down and apologise to each other for taking swipes at one other. And then I'd have to talk to the one who started the whole thing. And then if there was someone who didn't want to apologise, I'd have to spend more time and effort to wait it out or explain more, depending on the situation. (Last night, Alyssa refused to apologise and fussed/cried/sulked for more than 15mins before finally saying sorry to Nadya quite loudly.)

And then finally I'd go on a spiel about how they are sisters, how they should take care of and love each other, etc. They then hug each other, giggle and make up.

Only to have to repeat the whole thing again the following night. And sometimes Alyssa hits Nadya less than 10mins after they hug and make up. 

SIGH.

Let's see what happens tonight. 

Wannabe

Wannabe "artist".

I don't have much artistic talent. I don't have nice penmanship. And I don't have much artistic flair.
I am not that creative either. I doodle the same stuff over and over again.

But...I still like doodling abit here and there. And recently started watching some beginner videos on how to sketch.

Some initial sketches for posterity.
And it's my first time drawing a hand. It's looks like a hairy, wrinkly, old  and slightly misshapen hand though haha.

Reminds me of a young kid learning how to draw and shade. Like when I was in Sec 1 and my art teacher Mr Ling tried to get us to appreciate art....to no avail. Sir, I am more interested in it now than 25 years ago...not too late right?

Clarification

Whether at home or in the office. Part of basic communication is to clarify.

Someone told me this early in my working life "Ask and it will be given, Seek and you will find". I believe it is from the Bible. She shared with me this as she was encouraging me to do 2 things: (1) clarify when in doubt and (2) take charge of your own life and work, don't wait for others to spoon-feed you.

When things aren't clear, ask and seek clarification. It is the same at home or in the office or in a social setting.

But it does get demoralising when the other party you are seeking clarification from responds like as if you're an idiot or a slow person, or takes you for granted and barks a response at you, or loses patience with you just because he or she thought it was common sense.

When the initial communication inflow wasn't clear to begin with or was lacking, I should ask and seek clarity right?

Anyway. Whatever.

Hmm...

I was doing some research on the holding company of one of the partners I work with. And unwittingly stumbled across a photo of an ex-secondary school classmate.

Back then, she was a cheery, happy-go-lucky girl...ditzy at times, quick with her laughs and had a cheerful smile.

And.

She's the holding company's Group Financial Controller now. Wow.
Looking after the group's consolidated finances. That's operations and offices spanning across several countries both in and out of the APAC region. Wow.

When I encounter such instances, I sometimes wonder to myself....What have I done? What have I achieved? What am I doing? What will I be doing?

Sigh...

Then again, 人比人， 气死人....
同人不同命...?

Happy!

I had an appointment with a bank rep and then walked around abit after bao-ing my lunch.

I'm happy! I bought some stuff...My spoils are...

1. A small A5-sized sketchbook
2. 2B graphite pencils
3. An eraser
4. A sharpener
5. A black ink broad-tipped pen
6. 2 small storybooks
7. A doodlebook

Besides my terrarium stuff, my interest in sketching and doodling has recently been woken again. 

Learning how to sketch from whatever sources I can find both online and offline. The sketchbook, pencils and doodlebook will likely stay in the office for awhile as I don't think I can find time to indulge in any sketching while at home. At least in the office, I can spend some of my lunch time to do it. :) 

The storybooks will be with me in my bag. :)

Onward to more learning and sketching and terrarium-ing!

Reminder

I am still learning myself.

But I want my kids to grow up having empathy, honesty, sincerity, filial piety, respect for others, confidence and strength.

Changes

I hate to say this but I just realised that the Saturday evening just past was a milestone of sorts. For all of us. But especially for Adrian and Marc.

It was the start of many Saturday evenings going forward that Mei won't be with us at my parents' place.

Strangely, on that evening, I didn't realise she was not around, till I saw Marc sitting alone in the living room. And the girls didn't even ask about her or where she was.

In my eagerness as an auntie to "accompany" him, I may have unknowingly put some pressure or awkwardness on him though, as I tried to engage him in some conversation. Maybe he's not fully comfortable with me...maybe I should just take a step back...Back off a little and let things flow more naturally.

Afterall, this is a new situation everyone is still getting used to.

Let's try again this coming Saturday...

Genes

My brother and I are both sentimental people. But of course, he is the less emotional one with the steadier head and mind.

I wonder where we got our sentimental side from? Mum or Dad?

Dad is rather sentimental I think. I remember him toting his ukelele and strumming out songs. He had an entire big book filled page to page with handwritten chords and notes of various songs. We don't see this sentimental side of him often tough. He is the typical gruff and rough father, every sentence coming out from him would be with a grunt or grumble or complaint.

But he's the total opposite with the 2 little girls though lol...He'd gladly let them walk all over him and he'd go all high-pitched squealy-wealy with them hahaha.

I think Adrian and I both got our organisation skills from Mum. She's the planner, armed with lists of this and that and a to-do list of other to-do lists. She'd plan from Day-30 to Day +30 for an event maybe haha.

Have I digressed?

I can't quite recall now what I originally set out to write this post for. LOL...
Too early on a Wednesday morning.

I wonder what traits the girls inherited from K and I?

Note to self

Feeling quite zapped out over the past week.

Menses + Alyssa has been waking multiple times each night (She's having stuff nose and can't sleep well) + various engagements = An increasingly zombiefied shell

Ganbatte Michelle!

p/s: I should take that half day or full day leave soon.
p/p/s: I should take a half day leave soon to go cut my hair too...it's been 8 months since I last trimmed it. Hair's gone totally out of shape. :(

No more

And so it is final.

Adrian and Mae will split.

Things came to a sudden head. Discussions were swift and many took place in the last 1.5 months between themselves and between them and my parents. It didn't even take 2 months before everything was finalised.

It's all abit too sudden actually.

He came by the cafe near my place last night and we spoke for 1.5hrs. He gave me the lowdown on things, though it was unknown to him that I'd already known some of the details because Mum had updated me before he did.

I let him speak. I told him I was all ears. He said he may need to offload and download stuff to me in the future when and if the going gets tough and he needed an outlet to rant. I told him again that I'd be all ears for him.

I shared some of my concerns with him. He acknowledged them. I re-iterated Mum's concerns, which he already knew of, and he said he would assuage her worries.

He has lots of things to think through, plan and undertake in the next 6 months or more. The legalities, the Pasir Ris flat transactions, the Simei flat transactions and renovations, the Tampines flat, the moving in and moving out, the conflicts of interests at work,  the decision on when to move on from work, insurance, bank stuff, and a whole load of other administrative and paperwork that needs to be settled...

His workload is heavy enough and coupled with all these personal things to settle, his plate is overflowing. I hope he takes care of himself. It will be challenging for him mentally, physically and emotionally.

Jiayou brother...

Swept to the sidelines

Most people are generally nice.

But sometimes, along the way in the course of my work, I meet people who don't really give me attention or give me less attention, just because I am a senior manager and not an Assistant Director, or Deputy Director or Director...

Who says rank doesn't matter? :)
It does. Most definitely does...

Nvm...this 小绵羊 will just stay in her own corner and bide her time.

.......... .......... ..........
...... ...... ......
... ... ...
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Terrarium!

I devoted at least an hour each night over the last 3 nights to start a terrarium.

After I put both girls to sleep, I'd then scurry back to my room, huddle over the table in my balcony and work on it.

Things have been slow-moving. Mainly because I wasn't in a rush and I was taking my time. But also because I'd not done one in a long time and I felt a little rusty. And also because I was working in a new space with new materials and tools. And also because it was my first time using moss.

(Sidetrack: I really love Qoo10. Simisai also can buy from there. I got my live Holland moss from a very good seller on Qoo10. The same seller I'd been buying all my terrarium and some other craft materials from. For future reference, vendor on Qoo10 is "Zantelle".)

Day 1 - Built the bottom drainage layers of pebbles, spagnum moss and acitvated charcoal. Also put in the soil layer.
Day 2 - Transplanted the red and white fittonias. 4 shoots in all. 3 small red ones and 1 bigger white one. Trimmed their roots before transplanting.
Day 3 - Added in the moss. Topped up the soil. Tried to level the soil on all sides. Cleaned up the mess inside. Picked all dirt and soil off the moss pieces.

I doused it with quite alot of water last night because I was cleaning the dust and dirt up. Am letting it air out today before I bring it to office. Am going to display it at my new office cubicle.

My new corner in the newly renovated office. I've got more privacy now that they are giving us partitions between cubicles. Woot!

How the terrarium looks like now. May add some rabbit figurines soon...

Tillandsias

Day 2 of shifting back to level 12. After 2 months of renovation, we finally can go back to our permanent cubicles.

Brought my 4 airplants to the office today.
I hope they thrive in the office...

Turntable

I did it again. I bought something. A turntable.
Nah. Not aspiring to be a DJ of sorts. I bought a cake decorator turntable.

Not to decorate cakes though. I'm hopeless with baking.

To make it easier to shape and trim my existing plants and/or my soon-to-be bonsai plants.
To act as a base or counter-top to do up my terrariums.

Being able to turn the pots or bottles around 360 degrees on a turntable makes things easier. It also elevates the items up to my eye-level so I don't need to hunch over the table.

Getting older. I need tools to help me be more comfortable in my pursuits.

Gardening

Every once in a while, I'd go a little ballistic, have a rejuvenated interest in my hobby and buy a ton of stuff online for my gardening and terrarium-making pursuits.

I ordered almost $50 worth of bottles and decorative items and tools as well...I think the package should arrive today. :)

In the past few weeks I also made some smaller purchases of potting soil, fertiliser and such. Those were for cleaning up the garden...

This weekend, I'm gonna drag the girls down to a flower/plant nursery. I've already listed down an entire checklist worth of plants and stuff that I want to get. If I do manage to get most of the things on the list, that should set me back by another $100-$150.

I've got my eye on a particular mini bonsai that can be ordered online...together with some other plants...If I really get them...then it'll be another $100 or so.

I have a list of to-dos, including rooting my money plant, exploring the use of banana peels and epsom salt for plants, exploring growing garlic, re-potting my ficus, re-potting the boston fern, etc....

Here's to hoping that I have time to do everything on that list!!

Of smells

The train ride this morning was fraught with....unpleasant smells.

The guy on my right was actually ok....till the moment he picked up a call and started speaking. Oh...the stale cigarette smell emanating from his mouth...the smell only smokers or very heavy smokers have. I was very glad when his conversation ended after around 2-3 stations.

The lady on my left seemed to have layered half a bottle of perfume on herself...

And at some point when many people got on board the cabin I was in, there was a sudden strong smell of unwashed bodies...or it could have been a single person.

On days like this, I wish I had my mask in my bag instead of in the office.

Saturday conversations

Last Saturday morning.
The girl's were awake. I was still trying to wake up fully and I overheard their conversation in the hallway.

N: I am going to wake Dada up!
A: Ya. I am going to wake Dada up also!
A: Oh! Do you want to tickle Dada's feet?
N: Ok!

And then I heard them scampering over to the master bedroom. K was actually already awake so when they tickled his feet, he gave them an obligatory shriek of terror! Hahaha...

They laughed in glee.
So cute to witness them plotting together...:)

=================
We were in a foodcourt having breakfast. K was buying food and the girls were with me.
Nadya complained that she felt cold and laid herself across my lap. She then commented.....

"Mama, the fatness of your thighs keep me warm."

Couldn't decide whether to laugh or cry...Early sat morning kena suan unwittingly by my own daughter lol.....

Conversations with Teenagers

My nephew's gonna be 15 in November. He's in Sec 3 this year.

Since he was young, I hardly had anything in common to talk to him about. I'd usually only ask him about school, which results in almost single-word answers and short responses, and then the conversation dies off naturally on its own. At least K could talk to him about comics, manga and some other boy stuff.

I finally found something I can talk to him on...
Last Saturday evening I noticed he was listening to BTS on Youtube!

Wahhaha...I have the same taste in Kpop as my 14 year-old nephew. :D

Renewed Interest

I've always liked bonsai but to do one from scratch takes years (upwards of 10years to get a desired size and shape) and a lot of skills.
I however, am lacking in patience and skills.
Should I get a pot for myself? A small one that is easier to manage?
Perhaps I should.

I was at the library yesterday and borrowed a book on mini and super-mini bonsais.
Oh the splendour and beauty of these little pots. Absolutely gorgeous.
Super mini bonsais can actually fit on a fingertip or can be held between finger tips.
While they are easier to create compared to bigger bonsais, they still require alot of skills and care.

Some ideas running through my head.
Will mull on them abit more and decide. Currently leaning towards getting a small bonsai of my own and at the same time growing a cutting or seedling to be made into a mini bonsai.

Hope

It has been 4 years and 8 months
Since I last slept through the night
Without multiple interruptions
But I still harbour some hope
However meagre
That I will
One day again
Sleep through the night soundly
Trudge on
Chin up

Quote

"In the middle of the road, 

In the moment you want to give up,

Shout out even louder:

So what?"

- BTS <>

what is going on??????

It’s 15 June 3:30am. Alyssa was not sleeping well the whole night. 

Felt her at 3am. She was warm. 38C. 

Nabeh. Here we go again. 

Gave her medicine, before patting her to sleep. Glad that at least she didn’t fuss. 

When one episode barely concluded, now we’re starting another one. I’m myself am down with a runny nose, sore throat and cough. 

A sick person taking care of a sick child and another child who just barely got well. Bah. 

Do I need to get a priest in to cleanse our house??? 

These past 2-3 months have been almost nothing but a blur of classes, school projects, helper issues, and various bouts of illnesses and fever episodes by the 2 girls. 

Chin up. Chin up. 明天会更好。

Nadya. KKH. What a week....

Actually. More like 1.5 weeks.

Sunday. 3 June. We brought the girls out to Tampines Hub in the morning. They had fun at the playground for awhile. By lunchtime, Nadya was running a fever. She complained of some neck ache on the left side of the neck, below the ear. It was slight, we thought it was an ache caused by the fever.

Monday night. 4 June. Brought her to the PD. He also felt the neck ache was probably due to aches and pain caused by fever. He did mention it could be a lymph node infection or ear infection but as there were little other symptoms, he suggested to treat the fever first. I was on child sick leave and/or working from home on Mon and Tues. She was crying and fussing every night due to neck pain. Sleep was intermittent and very restless. Woke numerous times each night due to pain and for medication.

Thursday. 7 June. She was not getting any better. Fever was still present and going up and down everyday. Her neck aches were increasingly uncomfortable. She'd be ok for a few hours and then fussy and irritable for another few hours...her pallour was getting worse. I was working. K brought her to the PD in the morning and was told that she seemed to have n ear infection. Prescribed antibiotics and sent home.

Friday night. 8 June. Culmination. She had had 4 doses of antibiotics by then but did not seem to be improving. Cried and fussed for the entire night. Sleep was elusive. Neck pain seemed to be getting increasingly intense. I was at a loss. By then, both she, I and K had not slept much for most of the week. I was on child sick leave that day again.

Saturday morning. 9 June. She was crying and fussing. Something is not right. Called the clinic and they advised us to go the KK. And so we did. I was relieved that we went. Very relieved. She fussed a little here and there while waiting. Docs at the A&E placed her on observation at the A&E holding ward. A&E doc assessed her. ENT doc came to see her. Senior doc came to see her another time. Did a nose/throat scope. I held her while she struggled and cried during the procedure.

Probable lymph node infection, possible infection behind the throat, in the neck area. Swollen lymph node in the left side of the neck. Redness at the back and behind the throat. Was told that the left ear was actually ok. Slightly red only but not to the extent of having an ear infection. Was informed that she would be put on antibiotics via IV for 48 hours and monitored.

Eventually got admitted around noon time. Children's Tower Ward 85, Bed 14.

She was a trooper. Was in the procedures room all by herself as they didn't allow me in there with her. Said they needed a sterile environment. Doc who inserted the IV plug said she didn't cry at all and was very brave. They did a good job of distracting her maybe. She was talking to them about her little sister and told them Alyssa's name and age.

When she got to the ward, she fussed a little and complained to me that "I don't want to come back here ever again!!!" "I don't like to be here!!!!"

Sunday. 10 June. Positive news. After a day of antibiotics via IV, she was looking much better. Only the occasional whine about slight neck ache. She was able to smile, laugh, run and jump. A 180-degree change from the previous day. Was so happy to see her responding well to the treatment. Which meant that the docs need not undertake further tests.

Monday. 11 June. I was on child sick leave on Monday again. While she didn't enjoy the stay and felt bored, I think she loved the continuous and easy access to the TV and to Cartoon Network. Doc McStuffins, Bare Bears, Vampirina, Hi-5 and Sesame Street were some of her favs. Neither she nor I were familiar with any of these series till her hospital stay. My FIL bought her potato chips and I think she thoroughly enjoyed nibbling on the chips. She didn't appreciate the 8 hourly IV antibiotics drip though....From time to time she would tell me she wanted to go home.

Tuesday. 12 June. I'm back to work. K was with her since last night. Did a final blood test at 11am. Doc concludes that she is well enough to be discharged. Taken off antibiotic drip and given 2 weeks' worth of oral antibiotics. 2 types of antibiotics. What a relief! By 2pm they were on the cab home....

Get well soon my baby girl....and stay healthy ok....
Dun give Mama and Dada such scares again....