This too shall pass

11 May - Alyssa tested C+ in the morning. I isolated myself in my room with her. It's an SOP already since Nadya had it in Feb 2022 and I looked after her in my room as well. I spent 8 days in the room last year with Nadya and miraculously didn't catch the virus from her .

12 May - Night. I didn't feel good but was still -ve. 

13 May - 5am. Was running a fever liao and I tested +ve. So after siamming the thing for 3 years +, I finally got it. Went to see the doc in the morning to get meds. There is apparently no official protocol anymore. Doc said if one feels fine with no fever, one can go anywhere even if C+. NO wonder numbers are sky-high...cos there are tons of C+ folks walking around outside...and probbaly half of them are not wearing masks also. zzz. 

14 May - Spent Mothers' Day cooped up in the room. Throat was hurting quite abit, cough was quite irritating too. And then...Nadya tested +ve in the evening. So now there were 2 monkeys in my room. K being the last man standing had the rest of the house to himself. And he was quite busy looking after us and the house and doing the laundry and chores and getting our meals settled. 

17 May - Last man down liao. K tested +ve as well. 

18 May - Nadya only had fever for a day and was more or less ok by Tuesday. Maybe it was her 2nd time so her symptoms were quite mild. We checked with her teacher who allowed her to go back to school today. Alyssa was supposed to go back to school today but was experiencing nausea. 

19 May - I went to the doc a 2nd time. I was having nausea too. And then diarrhoea in the afternoon. Doc said I migh tbe dehydrated and had to drink alot of water to clear the virus out from the intestines...

I hope Alyssa, myself & K recover fully soon....Today is Day 7 for me and I'm still +ve...I've not checked with Alyssa yet...maybe later this evening....

Helper-less

We've been officially without a helper for 9 days. Cancelled the work permit already. 

It's been a period of adjustment. K & I have been taking stock of things...in the first 2-3 days, we threw away a whole bunch of items which were either spoilt, or in a bad state, but which were not brought to our attention. I've to admit that I did not check as well. Brushes, brooms, mops, pails, pegs, cloths, pans, ladles and mattresses and some bedlinen were all thrown out.

New ones were bought. K did a deep clean of both bathrooms, and has been doing daily cleaning of the bathrooms as well...and alot of laundry and dry & wet-mopping of the floor. 辛苦他了...

I've been doing the little things...the nitty gritty, the little bits and pieces...all the hidden areas that no one "remembers".....including wall skirting and other floor corners that can't be reached by the dry/wet mops, door rails, top of mirrors/shelves/fridge, inside the washing machine, below the fridge, inside the dustbins, top of railings, etc...Not sure how long these areas have not been cleaned but they were so dirty & dusty till I had to throw away a rag. Still not done with these areas...more to come...also the clearing of old clothes, etc.

It's a constant work-in-progress so I need to remind myself too that things cannot be done in a single weekend. 

The girls have started their "training" lol. Happy to say Alyssa is adept at sweeping the kitchen floor (it's a tiny area anyway)....Nadya is pretty alright using the dry mop and can wash the plastic dishes well enough. She'll progress to washing the ceramic dishes in time to come...

I think....I am quite tired...but I am content and I am happy. 

Her Thoughts on Ballet

30 April 2023. Sunday evening. 

We were having dinner at the Viva Business Park. At the Fish & Kopi cafe next to Berries. 

We asked Nadya a random question on how she felt about ballet. What she said caught me off guard. 

In a good way though. I didn't expect to hear such comments from her. I felt quite proud of her and I was touched by her words too. After the dinner, I had to jot down her thoughts in my mobile phone as I wanted to remember what she said, in her exact words. And now I am jotting it down here, for posterity....

(1) I feel happy when I dance. It makes me forget about everything else and all my worries.

(2) When I dance, I know I can trust myself.

(3) It feels exciting when I get promoted to a higher grade.

(4) I feel happy when the teachers say I have improved or that I did well.

(5) Ballet performances look beautiful. 

(6) Sometimes I feel proud of myself. And sometimes when it gets difficult or I find it hard to do a certain move, I feel like I want to give up. But then I ask myself: why do I want to do ballet if I want to give up now? Then I tell myself to continue trying.

Notes from a podcast

Be mindful about (i) body, (ii) feelings, (iii) mind, and (iv) mental states.

How to be mindful of your mind.....

Observe your thoughts, become aware of them. It creates a space between you & your thoughts. It separates you from your thoughts. Your thoughts come and go, there is impermanence. You are you, you are unchanged, but your thoughts can come and go. When you separate yourself from your thoughts, your thoughts become like an outside object and you hold a more neutral non-judgmental view on your thoughts.

Ask yourself: what are you thinking of?

It is challenging but you have to practise this and be mindful about it. It gets easier over time after you practise and practise it. Your anxiety is always triggered by an emotion. It brings you to the future – what happens, what will happen what might happen?

What made me anxious? What made me fear? Then come back and think of this present moment.

Practise mindfulness and the separation of you & your thoughts.

Show some compassion for yourself. No one can be perfect always. Perfection does not equal success. Just do your best.

Breathe

choose your battles.

even at home? with the kids? 

trying time with Nadya. 

had to walk away just now before I lose it in front of her. 

Quote

Tomorrow must be created. It cannot be concretised today.

- Sadhguru 

The back

Strained lower back on 19 Mar. 

Since then, I woke everyday with bad lower back aches and soreness. 

Been doing physio stretches and exercises since Apr 13. 

Happy that on 19 or 20 Apr, I woke without the bad stiffness and ache at the lower back. 

And the morning aches are mostly gone too. 

Ganbatte...继续走...

Jiayou...

Broke down and bawled on Friday night. 

The cause? A difficult case at work which is bringing me much stress. 

I'd already been feeling a little low and unconfident. And this case just tipped me over

And so yeah...11pm came, I walked over to K...he looked at me and I ended up....

A blustering piece of mess.

Mood is still a little low now. 

Been working on and off over the weekend cos of some query from the powers up there. Makes everyone along the downstream chain jumpy, and the minions at the bottom of the food chain (aka laoniang) ends up having to dig info and investigate the issue...I feel it's mostly for nought and a waste of time to tweak things to the preference of some and an overkill to try to do certain things. But I am just a small ant...I can't say much or refute much also. Just do. 

Anyway, I digress.

I will keep going. 

I have to. 

Time flies

Mentioned to Ally & PQ that N has some blackheads on her nose liao....why so fast??

Ally said it's puberty already...

OMG lah...so fast meh? I am not ready for the girls to reach puberty so soon...

Not ready to get into conversations on the birds & the bees, menstruation, boobs, bras, etc...

And mostly I am not ready to have their baby-ness go away...

:( 

Note + Reminder to Self

Was listening to something on YouTube while editing a document. 

Keeping the list here as a reminder......

1. Identify your emotions (recognise, be aware)

2. Take responsibility for our actions (hold yourself accountable)

3. Find a role model (as a good guide, how do they handle negative feedback)

4. Keep a thought diary (identity patterns, realise that bad thoughts and worries are not true)

5. Learn to be open-minded (hear others out, less judgement)

6. Embrace reality (accept life, accept flaws, accept what can’t be changed)

7. Pause and be patient (pause & reflect, consciously choose how you want to react)
8. Live in the present (be conscious, be in the moment) 

11 April 2014

It's been 9 years since you left us Granny. I hope you're doing well up there and having fun being with Ipoh, Tuanku and the latest (and youngest) joiner, Brenda. 

I still think of you often. 

And most recently, I was thinking of the handmade potato chips we made whenever CNY swung by. How we sliced the potatoes using the handheld slicer (which I never got to use by the way cos I was still quite young at the time), how we laid out each slice on huge metal trays and also rattan trays, how we blanketed all those trays with so many slices of potatoes and sunned them all in the balcony.....How we collected the slices and then how you & Mum deep fried each piece lovingly and then sprinkled salt on them...how Adrian & I stole chips while you guys were making them heh...

I love you and I miss you. 

I wonder sometimes how the nurses at the Econ Medicare home are too from time to time...I thank them for taking care of you in your final years...

Take care, wherever you are..

Frustrating Morning

"Argument" with the grouchy older girl. 

Who has been giving me an attitude since last night. 

Affected my mood. Made me anxious and frustrated.

Younger one is slowly being influenced as well and has started giving grouchy faces and pursed lips these last 2-3 months.

Overly chatty cab driver. One baby roach in the car too. Crawling on the ceiling. 

Made for a slightly tense 25min ride.

Rushing things. With one staff who kept bugging me on stuff at the same time.

Boss’ boss pushing for things.

 

Big frowns.

Not talking. Just listening to my piano music.

And just taking deep breaths and making a lot of frustrated sighs.

I hope I don’t disturb YZ who’s in front of me.

9 April - part 2

It is a milestone of sorts...

Today marks the first time I used the razor on the older girl. She refused it this afternoon but came to me on her own accord in the evening...and so yeah...it's a first! 

Have to slowly teach her how to use it in the future though...

Parenting is quite the journey...lol. 

9 April

14 years ago. 

9 April 2009. 

K & I got together that fateful evening.

It's been a long running debate on who conned who to get onto the pirate ship. 

到底是谁骗谁上贼船的？

lol...

Thank you sayang for being around all this while. 

To the many ups and downs and everything in between...

And to the many more adventures and experiences we'll have in the future!

也不求什么, 材米油盐平平淡淡过个日子我也开心!

With Love & Patience

I remind myself quite often these days

When I'm running out of steam or patience

That when the girls ask for me, when they need me or want me to be around

To be there if I can. 

For they are only at this age and this stage once in their lives

Once this stage is over, there is no getting it back 

If they want any hug or reassurance or listening ear

If they want me to lie in between them while they fall asleep

If they want me to play riddles with them

If Nadya wants me to massage her back

If Alyssa wants to hold my hand or nuzzle me

I will try my best and be there

For I've a feeling that

It will be sooner rather than later

When they start to stop being this way

When they stop wanting to hold my hand

When they stop wanting to snuggle with me during bed time

When they stop asking for hugs and kisses

When this time comes

I don't know how I will feel actually

Because sometimes

I needed that hug more than they needed it

Breathe Again

Reminder to self-manage more again.

Back-slided quite abit. Manifesting through fatigue, slightly queasy tummy, some fogginess/grogginess, irritability and strong emotions.

Hang in there Michelle...just breathe and keep going...baby steps again if you need. 

你可以的！

Breathe

Breathe.

船到桥头自然直

Thinking, worrying won't get you anywhere much. 

Stuck in a rut again. Worrying about upcoming things. 

Maybe I should cut down on lurking on social media again. Many nice and happy (whether curated or not) photos out there that are making me subconsciously think?

Monsters

Read about a child abuse case in Singapore. And I was got quite....

Angry. At how the mother treated the poor child. At how the stepfather treated the poor girl. 

Sad. At how the 11-yr-old girl felt during those last months of her short life.

Disappointed. That there are such scums around in our midst. That the welfare officer who had a video call with the girl just 3 weeks before her death, did not notice anything amiss. Even when he went to their house on several occasions and did not get to see her each time. Maybe he could not or did not have any means of issuing any harder enforcement against the parents. Maybe his hands were tied. 

I hope justice is served. Even if the law lets them off more lightly then I would have liked, I hope God watches and sees....and metes out appropriate actions...

Rest in peace little girl. I think you're better up there in Heaven now. 

Gave the girls extra hugs and kisses last night...

Dear...

Dear Stomach,
Dear Gut, 

It's been 4 years. I still don't know what exactly makes you upset. And I've already changed my diet alot to accomodate you. It's really a hit or miss sometimes. Please cooperate with me? I don't want to work so hard (over months) to increase my weight by a little, only to lose it again within a day or two when I get a bout of diarrhoea or "stomach queasy" situation. 

I don't know how long I've not bathed my rice in curry gravy, gorged on a plate of tomato-based pasta, had wine, stuffed myself with a full plate of chye tow kueh or char kway teow......or drunk what used to be my favourite HL milk. 

Let's work together ok? Let's work together with Mind too. And maybe Muscle too. 

I believe we can...and I still look forward to curry-filled days. 

Fighting!

For Posterity

Happy Valentine's Day!

Came home last night and was stopped by Nadya from walking into the house further. She said I had to close my eyes and she'd lead me to my room. By then, I'd already spotted an empty plastic bag on a shelf nearby, the kind used to carry bouquets of flowers lol. So I knew what was coming up.

So my eyes were closed, and Nadya was leading me to the room in baby steps...Out comes Alyssa who took my other hand and chirped: "Come on Mama! Let's go to your room to see your big bouquet of flowers!!"

LOL LOL LOL...

My instant reaction was.. "Alamak, Nadya's gonna get real pissed at having the surprise spoiled." There was alot of grumpiness on her part but I guess the excitement of having flowers at home and them making cards for me & K still kept her spirits up quite well. 

Thank you sayang for the flowes...and for the little bouquets for the girls too..:) 

The girls made cards and bookmarks for me and K. Alyssa's card was particularly comforting and sweet. It read:

"Happy Valentine's Day! I know how tired you can be after work. I also feel that way after school but this card is to cheer you up! To: Mama, From: Alyssa.

Laoniang's heart is full...and thankful..:)

Ganbatte

Just realised I've neglected this space quite abit. 

In all 17 years I've had this space, 2022 had the least posts. 74 in the entire year. 

2022 was challenging and I felt like I was being pulled from all directions.

I am expecting the first 4 months of 2023 to be hectic as well. And I am really hoping that there is more breathing room thereafter. The new head of the unit I am covering is in, and I hope he picks up fast so I can throw most things to him soon. 

Ganbatte Michelle.

Keep going. 

Teary morning. 

But.

Keep going.

Keep walking. 

You can do this. 

Keep going

Week of end Oct and early Nov was tough. Worked in office, got home, put the girls to bed, and then continued clearing things. 

There were 1 or 2 nights I felt like puking. I think my body was protesting. 

I can breathe slightly better now. The newest perm staff recruited specifically for this project has caught up well enough and can run most things on her own already. Helps that she's smart and understood most gaps and policy issues raised. LSE grad 果然不同. 

There are still things to settle on the workfront but I am cutting myself abit more slack these few days...Physically tired. Mentally a little. 

But.

Keep going. 

Keep moving. 

Keep walking. 

Keep showing up. 

Ganbatte!!!

31 October 2022

It was a Monday. 
Fishball's left eye was swollen since the day before and by midday, it had protruded out of its lids. She couldn't close it and slept with that eyeball exposed. It seemed uncomfortable, she was scratching around that area, and I was squeamish as well. I asked K to bring us to the vet. We called several around our area and finally got one that was willing to look at hamsters. 

Popcorn was losing weight over the last few weeks and bled from time to time from her bottom area also so we brought her to the vet too. 

Spent a bomb on anaesthesia for Fishball so that the vet could drag her lids back into place. And also on her meds to clean the eye, eye drops, and pain medication (which I could not successfully administer and gave up on). 

The vet didn't do much for Popcorn though. Old age too and he said best not to try any procedures on her. She seemed ok and deemed the bleeding as part of skin infection. She seemed quite lethargic at the vet. 

Fast forward to later in the afternoon.
31 October was the hamsters' designated birthday and the girls prepared some veggie "birthday cake" comprising of sunflower seeds, pek chye, and some other vegetables I can't recall. Both hamsters happily nibbled on their cakes in each of their cages. 

Sometime later during dinner time. 
I noticed it first. Popcorn was in an awkward position and I went to check. 

Jialat. She had passed on. Her eyes were half-closed. Mild rigor mortis had already set in as well and she seemed stiff. 

Nadya was quite upset and bawled her eyes out. Alyssa seemed alot more composed and didn't shed a tear. Or maybe it was just that she didn't understand as much. I comforted Nadya....well at least Popcorn passed away happy...she had a big "birthday cake" and passed away chewing on her fav pek chye!

Armed with 2 small shovels, and a screwdriver to break up the soil, we wrapped Popcorn in tissue and brought her down to the carpark, and buried her next to a tree. 

2years old. Popcorn. 
Lover of seeds and pek chye and most foods. 

What gives?

Been double-hatting since early March. Things are getting quite hectic. started to cover someone who left from this month onwards....

Plate's overflowing and I think I am dropping things. I hope things settle down abit in November/December. 

Also feeling guilty for not being able to be there for the girls sometimes or not being fully present. Sitting there doing things with them is different from sitting there with a laptop on my lap...

My patience wears thin at times. 

Although I am on leave on some days, I still cover work or get disturbed. I am on birthday leave next Mon but there is an important meeting that I cannot skip. 

What gives? 

How to set boundaries when there are responsibilities to settle at the same time? Do I throw the team to flounder and flail? Do I disappoint the kids? Do I stretch my own mental capacities and mental health and physical health?

Losing weight. Breached the 45kg mark and am now at 44.5kg. I think I am eating...maybe I am sub-consciously eating smaller amounts cos my tummy doesn't feel well half the time. I dunno...but I hope to be back to 47 or 48 again...Maybe stress burns fats hmm...

Ganbatte Michelle.......

"Stalked" by a 9yr-old lol....

Nadya gave her classmate my mobile number. And I am getting spammed by this girl now. Called me 3 times today. I refused to pick up. Call me bad but....

I'd already arranged with her mum that the girls would only be chatting at 715pm today for a short while and just this once....

But this girl has already called me twice in the morning, and once at 330pm. 

I hope she doesn't call me anymore tmr....

Buy buy buy!

I think I am stressed. 

I went on an online rampage today. 

And bought $400 worth of stuff. 

Some were for gifts. Some were to replace my existing clothing items. Some were for the girls. 

And some were cos I just wanted to try out the Shein platform.

I think I ish stressed.  

Nvm....unboxing in the days ahead...:) 

45....not age but.....

Laoniang is now 45kg. 

TMD. I spent a year plus getting it back up to 47+kg...and in 1-2 months, it dropped back to 45kg cos of recent acid reflux issues...:(

Maybe I should check my scale...see if the battery is working properly or not....hmm....

According to the doctor....

Did the usual cholesterol & sugar level blood test on 9 Sept...and had a review with the polyclinic doctor on 19 Sept. In gist, here's what he said...

Blood test results were good for your age.

No major issues.

Not sure why the previous doctor only ordered the most basic test for you when you're already over 40. 

I will put in a liver function test and a thyroid function test for you as well for your next test. It's better lah. You are in your 40s already. Better to check. That said, no need to check these 2 every year. Once in 2years is good enough. 

In that short couple of minutes, he had to remind me I'm getting of age several times... -_- 

不认老也不行了 lol...

Ganbatte

Keep going. Keep trying. Keep walking. Keep breathing. 

Try. Try again. 

You can do this Michelle...! 

My Kids

N: Mama, why is your boo boo so small? (boo boo = boobs)

A: Mama, I love your thighs and legs. So flabby. And flappy. And squishy. Wish I could hug them to sleep.

N: Mama, there's a white hair here and another one here. But still lesser than Dada's.

A: Mama has jelly legs! 

It's not sufficient to just look into the mirror these days. 

Your own kids give you a "reality check" every other day too....lol...dunno whether to laugh or cry...

sigh...

Having mixed feelings. 

When you're drowning in work, and things keep coming in. And your staff asked to take leave on Friday and the following Monday cos she has a long extended celebration with her husband for their anniversary. 

Tummy

August hasn't been a good month for the stomach. Not sure what I can do now except to take smaller and more frequent meals. Sometimes hard to handle this too, especially if I'm in the office. 

Chewing alot more now also as I'm having some difficulty swallowing when I eat too fast or take bigger mouthfuls. I'm taking long to eat a meal and it stresses me when my colleagues finish eating and I'm not done yet. 

Wondering if I should get the helper to start making lunches for me to dabao to office again. A little anti-social but....nvm...see how first...

Praying for a healthier gut, and a more stable tummy....

not happy?

The older I get, the more I find myself rejecting ideas and new things. 

The more I feel pressured at times to do certain things.  

The more I feel myself withdrawing. 

The more I just want to hide. 

The more I just want to be in my own corner. 

Maybe I should be a part of the Sumikko Gurashi. 

12 Aug 2022 - Snip snip time

Finally made time and went to cut my hair after 11 months. 

Chopped off maybe 5 or 6 inches? I also don't really know. 

But hair length went from boobies to now sitting above my shoulders and at least an inch above my collarbone. 

One of the shortest hair length I've ever had in the last 20years. 

Took some getting used to and I'm liking it more now. :) 

Been cutting my hair with Sandy since 2008. Followed her from her salon near my parents' place till today at her own home when she switched to being home-based. Just realised she's been around since I changed to a new job, got cheated on, got attached again, got married, shifted out, had 2 babies, etc...Though I see her only once or twice a year...still, it's been a long time! 14 years and counting...

Reminder to Self

To listen more and understand.

To not interject or interrupt when others are talking. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To be less selfish and self-centered. 

To not take people for granted. 

To be more self-aware if and when I am becoming so.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To keep going. 

To keep walking. 

To keep trying. 

Highs & lows and all the in-betweens

Experienced all sorts of emotions in a week. 

• Last weekend all the way through till Monday afternoon was somewhat nerve-racking. Was trying to memorise and familiarise myself with the key points in a narrative, which had to be covered in a media interview I was arrowed to do on Monday afternoon with 2 key media papers in Singapore. I was thankful there was a more senior and experienced guy with me on Monday afternoon during the media interview and he helped fill in some gaps when I fell short. The whole experience probably brought me several more white hairs but I guess I took it up because (1) I didn't want to run away  (although at times I regretted my decision much), and (2) When would I ever get such an experience again?
• Mum went to the A&E on Tuesday, was warded and only discharged on Friday afternoon. I couldn't go visit her as I was not one of the 2 registered visitors on the list. My Dad and brother were. Anyway, just glad there's nothing very major. At the moment, it seems like it's a stomach inflammation which triggered her acid reflux and brought much discomfort to her oesophagus. There's no obvious narrowing of her oesophagus and I hope the medication given will ease and solve what pain and discomfort she's having. 
• Monday & Tuesday morning were HBL days for both girls. Took up quite alot from my patience bucket lol. Had to "run" back and forth between 2 laptops. They didn't spare me too when I was taking a dump. Nadya came by and knocked on the toilet door while shouting outside "Mama!! I need help!!!" zzzz...I replied "Can you at least wait till I'm done? I can't help you when I'm sitting on the throne!" Was on leave both afternoons but I still had to on and off clear work. 
• Wednesday & Thursday was very hectic work wise. Flooded with things and I ended up working from 830am till 1130pm on both days, with maybe a combined 3 to 4hr break in between for lunch, dinner, a little time with the girls, showers, a short walk, etc. Tiring, stressful and frustrating at times for hitting brickwalls. But still thankful for having a boss and colleagues who are "chiong-ing" alongside me. Thankful too that K came back early each day from reservist and he could go fetch the girls home.
• Friday was a full day of calls. I was thankful that all went pretty smoothly. Had an emotional talk with K at night and ended up tearing. 

Highs and lows and all the in-betweens. 

Keep going....keep going...一步一步走...

Breathe.

Breathe. And keep going. 

You can do this.  

Keep Going

A colleague has decided to retire early. Between me & the other Head who is dealing with Tech issues, of course laoniang will end up bearing the most brunt of covering her duties till a replacement comes in. 

Not looking forward to it when she leaves officially at the end of September. Not the first time she's thrown her letter too and I've always been the one to be on standby to receive her handovers. Each time in the past though, she rescinded her letters. 

Seems this time it's for real as emails have been sent to the big big boss and HR as well. 

Am a little overwhelmed. 

Current duties + double-hatting for another function since Mar and probably till early next year + covering duties for this lady. 

I hope I can handle things. 

I need to. Keep going. 

Breathe. Keep going. 

Breathe. Keep going. 

Breathe. Keep going. 

Tummy

This week hasn't been too good physically. Tummy's acid issues are back. 

Nausea, bloatedness, indigestion, lethargy & tiredness, slight giddiness at times, feeling full even after eating less than usual, tight stomach, etc. Slight chest pains these last 2 days. 

I hope this clears up soon. 

In just a few days, I lost maybe 1kg already. 

I hope it clears up quickly and I can eat normally again....

Hero

Am on leave today and tried to go ahead with my plans for the day. 

Intended to start the day with a longer than usual walk. So goot lat! Left the house at 715am after getting the girls ready for school and then washing up. 

The sky decided to pour...had to cut short the walk...it turned out really short lol. Got home drenched and cold...

Been a long long time since I was so drenched in the rain. My fav pair of shoes were soaking wet and my fav cap as well...

Thank you my dear cap, for shielding my eyes from the rain...I hope you won't get too damaged and will dry well...

New word of the day - Licence plate-plucker

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. 

Just wondering what was the licence-plate-plucking lady at the Causeway thinking when she confronted the other car. And wondering too, what was the boy thinking when he came charging out like that acting all macho but then scurrying away when the driver of the other car came out. 

For him, maybe he couldn't handle his teenage emotions that bubbled over and since his mum was acting in that manner, I guess he followed suit? Afterall, he's only had 18 years of experience on Earth....For his mum though, I wonder what triggered her so much she was willing to use her body to stop the other car from moving. 

Rash? Maybe. Obnoxious? Maybe. Just a road-rager unable to control herself? Maybe.

I guess we'll never really know what truly happened to trigger the whole incident.  

Merchant Court 3D2N

In the final week of the June school holidays, we had a 3D2N staycation at Merchant Court. Or Paradox Merchant Court as it is now known as. 

The girls enjoyed themselves I think. 

Alyssa loved the swimming pool and we visited it once each day we were there. She constantly asked to go to the pool haha. Nadya liked the dinner buffet (or maybe more so the chocolate fountain that was there lol). And they both loved the TV in the room, especially Nadya.  

We also walked down to Funan to catch the new Minions movie, and showed them Clarke Quay at night with all its pretty lights and busy restaurants. K tried explaining to Nadya what Zouk is and why people go there, etc...to which she responded "Can we go now?" LOL....10 years later she'll probably appreciate the area alot more. 

For me...I liked the distraction the staycay brought...and the exclusive time spent with K and the girls...and the buffet breakfast (with all its eggs and sausages :D)

End of a legacy....a Subaru Legacy

Today is the day we bid farewell to our car. 小蓝as K calls it. 

It served us well for 6 years and brought us to many happy places. It's also the girls' 1st car (excluding my FIL's car lol). 

It's 14 years old and while it's not 100% broken down. There are key parts of it that wore down and which needed repairs but there are no replacement parts in Singapore. Importing the parts in from Japan and fixing it would cost more than the paper value of the car. K made the hard decision to let go of it...The guy came to bring it away this afternoon.

I forgot to big farewell to it this morning when I left the house in a hurry. 

Thank you 小蓝 for bringing us around all these years...to the Zoo, to staycations, to school, to grocery runs, to makan sessions, to various malls, to birthday parties and playdates, to my parents' and inlaws' places each Saturday, to various enrichment lessons, etc... 

Not sure if you'll be scrapped or refurbished and brought to another place...if it's the latter, I hope you'll have a fruitful new lease of life!

Sigh

Been mansplained and slighted a fair bit on several occasions this week. 

Nevermind. 

Jiayou. 

Carry on. 

Keep walking Keep going

At times I wonder how long more do I have to continue coping with the unsavoury thoughts in my head. The daily managing that needs to be done. And at times, on and off through the day...

Then I catch myself and remind myself not to ask that because....it is not something I can undo anymore....they are here, the condition is here and won't go away magically. 

I just have to manage it...manage things...manage myself....and learn and unlearn some things if needed...and keep going...

Yeah...

Keep going..

一步一步往前走

继续走

Heart is full

Was on leave Wed to Fri last week. Had a fulfilling time during those days and over the weekend. 

Wednesday  & Thursday
Mostly spent prepping Nadya for her ballet solo competitions. Her first time and she was not so steady during her 1st performance on Wed. But it was a start and she was so much better and stable on Thursday! Prooud of her for having done this..All the hours of practice at her dance school. While she didn't place, I think it was still a good exposure for her. And it definitely opened up K's and my eyes to how hardcore (and possible regimental) some of the other ballet schools actually are. 

Friday
I fulfilled one of my longtime wishes - to bring both girls out on my own and have a meal with my parents. Simple wish but it somehow took a long time to fulfil...whether it was time or scheduling conflicts or my inertia or my anxiety. But I did it! Finally! On 3 June 2022! It was a simple 2hours or so but it made my heart so full...:) Very very happy to have the girls spend time with my parents one on one. 

Saturday
Had dinner with Adrian's family, my parents and our own family at Pasir Ris Park! First time ever. Was very happy with it and happy that I suggested it too...Some logistical hiccups and delays here and there but oh well...we made it in the end! Food was good, company was great. Heart and tummy are full...:) 

Sunday
Simple day filled with usual routines. Glad we managed to squeeze in a game or two of Cluedo with Alyssa. Also glad we got Nadya's eyes checked out and her glasses made. Am a little worried for her as her myopia seems high. I really hope she doesn't take after me in this aspect...When she starts wearing her glasses, I think she's gonna look a whole lot more like me lol...And glad that I finally got the courage to get my eyes tested as well. It usually brings me alot of stress and I hate to admit but...I've not gotten my degree checked for 12 years. It increased a little but I'm pretty ok with it. Still thankful it didn't increase alot. 

24 May 2022

Typing in points. Going into too much details will make me anxious.  

Woke on 24 May and was ok. But shot while later had odd ring of light in left eye. Was supposed to go work but decided not to. Called K and asked him to send me to A&E. He was out sending the kids to school. 

A&E. Eye doc saw me and said there was an area of weakness in the retina. Needed to go for laser procedure. Went to eye clinic, did the procedure. Fainted immediately after the procedure. Within less than 10mins. 

I knew it was coming. Told K "Baby, I cannot already, I cannot already."

BP was low. bottom reading went down to 45 or so according to the nurse. Blacked out for 30secs or so according to K. Fucking scary. When I came to, I couldn't open my eyes but knew that I was clutching K's Tshirt very tightly. Left fist was in a ball and I remember moaning. Heard his voice comforting me. Was very thankful he was around. 

BP 78/57. Lay me on trolley bed and was monitored till BP went back to 110/70. Vasovagal attack.

EXACT same thing happened 3 years ago when I did the same laser procedure for right eye. Nabeh.

====================

Am ok now. Next eye follow-up is 9 June. 

But anxiety levels have increased alot. Trying my best to self-manage. 

Certain things remind of the incident, like flashes of light. Woke on one or 2 nights with snippets of the incident appearing in my mind. 

Trying my best not to think or dwell too much. 

Move on Michelle. You are ok. Don't dwell.

You can do it Michelle!!

Yes I can!!

Ganbatte!!!!!

Reminder to Self

It is not what people do that hurt us. 

It is our reaction to what they do (or don't do) that hurts us. 

Breathe. 

And don't waste time on unnecessary matters. 

Focus on what is more important and what means more to you. 

Office.

Heading back to office. Pros and cons.  

It forces me out of the house and out of my comfort zone. I have to re-navigate taking the bus, walking to office, walking home, heading to lunch, etc. It also takes up alot of mental energy on my end. Sounds of the morning traffic overwhelmed me a little this morning. Too much "audio", too loud, too noisy, too many things happening in my line of vision and even my peripheral vision.

I get to enjoy the aircon. But I miss my bed, and miss being able to sit like a kan chia poh. 

I actually get more things done at home than when I am in the office. More distractions in the office + time wasted on the commute + time taken to prep for work = less time for actual work. I don't get to decompress much if I take the bus home because I am trying to manage myself. 

On the whole, going back to office is still more of a nay for me. Though I know I need to accept it.
I hope I find a balance. Soon.  

Of a wedding and awkward first meetings

Attended QM's wedding yesterday. She's a cousin I've only seen twice in my entire life. 

And at the same wedding, I was introduced to another 4 cousins whom I've never ever met. Imagine suddenly meeting a 52 year old, a 44 year old, and another 2 twenty-somethings. 

Due to family dynamics, estranged relationships and possible misunderstandings over decades, we never ever got to meet. 

It was strange, awkward and a little uncomfortable to me. Yet, a little intriguing too. That I finally got to physically see and meet that part of the family tree on my mother's side. 

Ear worm....

Late to the game but...this is my latest earworm. 

Secret Love Song, by Little Mix and featuring Jason Derulo

Released in 2015.

Didn't think much of it when I first heard it on the radio a couple of weeks back. 

But I heard it the 2nd time today on the radio again and....now it's in my head...:) 

Amusing conversation

Was at SGH for a medical appointment this morning. Walked past a lift lobby which leads up to some wards. A guard/staff stopped a lady from going past the gantry to the lifts and asked if she was doing vising....

Lady: Ya, visiting my mother. 

Guard: 1 only?

Lady: Huh? Ya lah, 1 mother only lah!

Guard: No no, I mean. Only you 1 visitor? We don't allow more than 1 visitor per patient. 

LOL...the lady's response was said with a straight (and slightly annoyed) face. It was hilarious to me though...:D :D :D  

The guard was a 20-something guy who looked a little flustered. 

*SHY SHY*

No matter how many times I've gone through a pap smear test or a follow-up with my gynae, I still feel somewhat embarrassed by it. 

Anyway, over and done with for this year's appointment lol. 1.5years or 2 years later will be the next one. 

Reminder to Self

Don't beat yourself up too badly for mistakes you made. 

Don't dwell on them either. 

Learn. Learn again. Move on. 

Keep going. Keep trying. Keep moving. 

Don't give yourself too much stress either. 

Sometimes you need to let go to go further, or let go to go higher.

On days when you feel you fall short of everything. Remember, you are enough.

周董 did me in

Went for a walk just now. Was feeling slightly frustrated and in a rut, and hoped the walk would chase the feeling away.

I was doing good. 

Till a cyclist went past me. His radio was blasting Jay Chou's 一路向北....His songs always touch me and then I started tearing..

Bah...for quite awhile after that I was alternating between tearing and getting a grip and having more Jay Chou songs pop into my head, which made me even more emo. 

Kept walking.

Forced myself to stop thinking about Jay Chou's songs.

Kept up with the self-talk as well. 

Was muttering "I am brave and strong. I can do it. Yeah!" for a long time. 

If someone else was observing me all the way, that person might have thought I was a nutcase. But fuck it. Who cares?! Laoniang needed the self-talk. Laoniang needed the space and zone. 

想对自己说

最近几天精神状态不太好

想提醒自己，要多包容自己，也对自己宽容些

做错就学，再错再学，不断的努力，不断地磨练

如果觉得跟想象中的自己有所差别有所落差

就再学再拼再努力

成为更好的自己

但也不需要太着急， 不需要给自己太多压力，太多压迫感

就跟着自己的节奏走

走三步退两步也算是往前走了一步

始终还是可以到达目的地

你可以的

加油！

"Popular"

Feel so "popular" recently...lol

"MOH" calls me..."MOM" calls me..."DBS" calls me....

"Singpost" and "DHL" call me too....

"Fedex" doesn't like me anymore though, I don't hear from them anymore.

BUT....my mum lagi best...."High Court of Singapore" called her the other day hahaha...

Sleuth

I'm silently fuming right now. 

It's been a few weeks since I first discovered that a pair of tweezers I kept in a pouch in a cupboard in my toilet seemed to have grown legs and was shifting around a little within the pouch. I wasn't using it at all and was also uncertain if it had really been used by someone else or had merely shifted positions due to items within the pouch having settled down over time. 

Week 1: I put the tweezers under some other items. Couple of days later, it seemed to have shifted again. 

Week 2: This time round, I put the tweezers right at the bottom of the pouch. With everything else in the pouch placed on top of it. No shifting and I left it there at the bottom of the pouch. 

Week 3: Came home from lunch today. When I checked the pouch, the pair of tweezers was in a semi-standing position at the top of the pouch. 

I asked K if he used it, though in my heart I knew he couldn't have used it. But well, I needed to check and confirm it, and cannot work based on assumptions. He didn't use it. It couldn't have been the kids. They were not allowed to open the cupboard when I wasn't around. I didn't use it. 

Means the helper must have used it. 

She happened to come into my room a few minutes after I reached my conclusion. I asked her: "What are you using the tweezers in my cupboard for?" 

Having known her for several years, I know her first reaction would be to act blur, and deny anything and everything if I asked her this question instead: "Did you use my tweezers?"

Decided to ask her directly what she was using the tweezers for. She denied it at first with a "har?" But in the split second thereafter, she must have decided that it would be better to come clean. She gave a small laugh and said she used it to trim her brows. 

Told her if she wanted to borrow anything to use, she would need to ask first. She said ok. I would have left it at that. But she went to add that she'd only used it one time, which was yesterday. 

Nabeh angry. Got caught and now trying to justify by saying it was only once? It was not only one time for sure. I told her I know it's been going on for awhile. She gave me a quirked brow and said ok, as if to say "ok lor, if you don't believe me." 

Told her I expect honesty from her. She said ok. 

Dulan. 

This incident may have been just about a small pair of tweezers. An inconsequential item. But it's the "deceit" and the "going around stealthily behind closed doors" that is getting to me. 

Wonder what other things she has done behind our backs? 

I hope this incident stops any further 小动作 from her. 

Am I too soft and lenient? 

Conversations with the 6yr-old

I was ordering a Hello Kitty correction tape for Nadya a few days ago when Alyssa said she wanted one too, just not with a Hello Kitty design. 

I found some with Mickey and Minnie designs and showed them to her. 

A: No, these are too kiddy for me. Frozen and all those princess stuff are too kiddy too. Sumikko Gurashi or Gudetama are ok. 

Lol....so Jap cartoon characters are not kiddy....but Elsa, Anna, Mickey, Minnie and all those "princesses" are kiddy...

Rant

Let me do my job and ask what I need to know. Else how am I going to settle things. 

Nabeh, keep cutting me off for what? Let me finish my sentences can??????

Bloody testosterones. I hope you're not trying to establish any "unspoken" authority on me. 

I'm just doing my small part here to have operational flow of things as smooth as possible. I may be totally new to this part of the business but I'm contributing ok. 

Dream.

Slept at 1130 after settling some work stuff. 

Woke at 430am to pee. And couldn't get back to sleep thereafter for a long while I think. 

I remember thinking about work stuff. And then I remember I had a dream (must have fallen asleep at some point). 

It was one of those dreams with the same recurring theme. 

I was in a school or going to school for a lecture. I remember having foolscap paper in my bag and I was in a uniform. A JC uniform. Though the school felt like it was a university campus. And as usual, I couldn't find my classroom or lecture hall. There were others around me but they seemed to be "greyed out" in the dream. Just moving shapes that's all I think. 

I remember falling into a fishpond in my quest to find my lecture hall too. Not sure how that happened though or how the dream ended.

Laoniang is tired and sleepy. Hope I stay focused enough for my 2-330pm and 330-430 meetings....

Mornings

Been a long habit of mine to watch from my bedroom window as K drives the 2 girls off to school. At least since 2 years back when the work-from-home arrangement first started. And it's been a recent habit to linger longer at the window after they've driven off, just to stare at the surroundings as dawn breaks, the sun rises and clouds drift. 

Rather picturesque and pretty calming too. 

To see all the various colours unfold, meld and blend together.

Blacks, greys and blues slowly get broken up by bits of pinks and lilacs and purples. And then oranges and yellows come into the picture there after.

And I think, air traffic has increased significantly. Before the pandemic, I see planes flying past every couple of minutes. Then it decreased to me seeing none at all, except for the rare occasion. These few days I've noticed alot more planes in the mornings, sometimes at frequencies of one every 5-10mins. 

Work Meeting

1 March 2022 (Tues) 4pm to 630pm.

Testosterone-filled meeting. 10 men and 2 ladies (me being one of the 2). 5 out of the 10 guys were of higher designations. Another 2 or 3 of same rank. 

Project is of a very urgent nature. But in an area I know nuts about and had to spend the last few days trying to wrap my head around things. 

Needless to say. 

In the entire 2.5hrs meeting. I was endlessly taking notes for myself. 

And I only uttered 3 words. 

Ok - somewhere in the first 1/4 of the meeting. 

Thanks. Bye. - When the meeting concluded and we were all getting off the call. 

2nd meeting will take place on 3 Mar at 4pm again. :)

Hope I'm more familiar and no information overload by then. :) 

Breathe

New project that just got in. Urgent timeline of one week. National project.

Realised my stomach was tense this morning and last night as well when I was activated at 10pm to settle an email. Realised also that I had the "flip-flop fluttery rumbling" feeling in my chest this morning. I don't know how else to describe it except that I felt my heart was doing cartwheels in my chest.

My signs of anxiety. 

I need to manage myself. 

Breathe Michelle. Breathe.....!!

Prata

Happy. 

Been a long long time since I had a whole prata to myself, and with curry too. 

Helper was on her off day yesterday so we brought the girls out to a nearby kopitiam for dinner. Nadya requested for prata (strange but true!). 

There was Hai Kee there so Alyssa had her usual favourite roast pork noodles. And she ate quite alot. 

Nadya had 2 egg pratas but gave up on the curry as it was too spicy for her. She's still taking baby steps for spicy foods. 

I had some food from the cai perng stall. And a whole kosong prata to myself...I didn't slather it with curry like how I would in the past...merely dipped the prata in the curry. But it was step up! Compared to the 2 years plus ago when I completely stopped any form of prata at all haha. (Cos oily + spicy = big no no at that point in time)

I mentally prepped myself for any possible protest from my stomach last night....And I was thankful to find that I was ok! Slight bloating as usual from eating oily stuff...but I was otherwise ok! Thankful for that...:) 

Yay!

Music and moods

I've had enough of ang moh pop over the last few days...the likes of Maroon 5, Rihanna, Katy Perry, Adele, Imagine Dragons, Coldplay, Ed Sheeran, Dua Lipa...and what have you....

Back to piano/slow jazz/instrumental as my BGM today lol...

My team!

Thankful for having 2 team members who understand me and get what I am trying to say or do. 

Thankful that we bounce ideas off each other and feed off each other's thoughts to build better approaches. 

Thankful that we work well with each other and thankful that we're mostly of the same "kuan4" and of similar frequency. 

Day 7 of Isolation with Nadya

Dragged myself out of bed. Felt quite tired. 

Did the usual new routine of getting ourselves washed up and masked up, and had breakfast. I decided to test ourselves since we didn't yesterday. 

And so voila! Just like that....

Day 7 has been cut short...The room door is now open!

Cos she tested negative....:) 

Back to school for her tomorrow. 

I think she's happy to go back to school and also partly wary as she feels there'll be a ton of homework for her to catch up on. I don't know, we'll have to see how that goes.

I am just thankful that she's ok, and that her symptoms were mild and highly manageable. And I hope she stays safe going forward....

I'm still monitoring myself though. Feeling a little under the weather from time to time. 

Breathe...

Some patience goes a long way. 

Much patience goes an even longer way. 

Breathe...

That constant whining and fussing this entire morning will soon pass. As will this whole situation. 

Jiayou!! Fighting!!

19 Feb - Day 4 of Isolation with Nadya

Day 4's playlists included Blue, Ed Sheeran, Coldplay, Lady Gaga, and Imagine Dragons...

Plus I let her watch a video on watercolouring from one of my favourite Youtubers of this genre...Shayda Campbell. 

We didn't cook yesterday so K went out to buy food...the BK for dinner cheered the girls up abit..:) And the FaceTime sessions with emojis brought smiles and laughter to all of us...Glad it tickled the girls so much :) 

Nadya did her English assessment and completed her school's Math homework. And she worked herself through yet another Percy Jackson book. She must have re-read that book a 2nd or 3rd time lol...

All's good. Her fever was gone. Just left with phlegm, a scratchy throat and slight cough. 

I cleaned the toilet yesterday with Dettol, dry-mopped and wet-wiped the room floor as well. Been awhile since I got on all fours to wipe the floor...lol. I discovered many dustballs in certain areas. I'd have to speak to the helper about cleaning my room more thoroughly next time. For areas she can't "see", doesn't mean she doesn't need to clean...zzz. 

Day 3 of Isolation with Nadya

Friday 18 Feb 2022 - Day 3 and counting...

• Thankful I took leave today else I'll be an octopus again trying to settle both work and her. 
• My ears are ringing...The number of various playlists I had to listen to today....some we went through partially only though....BlackPink, EXO, BTS, Jay Chou, Maroon5, Alan Walker, Katy Perry....
• Had a 45-min video call with my parents in the morning. My eyes got tired and "siap siap" from staring at my mobile too much.
• She's more cranky compared to the previous 2 days. Probably because she's getting bored. Also because her fever has mostly gone off and she's more alert now and trying to find things to do to occupy herself...
• Her teachers are very "on". Form teacher asked us to collect her homework from the General Office today. K came back with a pile of books and worksheets. English, Chinese, Maths, Science...I'm thankful no Art or Social Studies or 好公民 homework lol...Spent some time supervising her and teaching her English and Science...and felt accomplished though tired haha. 
• NTUC came today! Yay, I stocked up on honey yuzu drink, raisin bread, and some choc buns for the girls...:) Plus fresh veg for the family. 
• Realised after these few days in this room, I am a mother, worker, colleague, teacher/tutor, nurse, safe distancing officer, DJ, cleaner, nanny, entertainer, nagger, meal planner, schedule keeper, etc..........
• The number of ART kits the whole family used since CNY eve is reaching 30...almost wiped out whatever stock I'd been collecting and keeping at home. K managed to collect some from the vending machines and I ordered more online as well. 
• Still washing hands like nobody's business...forgot to use handcream for most of the day and by the time I realised, the skin between my fingers were showing signs of flaky skin and dryness...

May Nadya get well soon.

And may the rest of us stay Covid-free, safe, healthy and happy!

And may ALL of us stay sane too lol...

Jiayou to K & I!

Day 2 of self-isolation with Nadya

It was tough last night. N was snoring her head off. I kicked her foot several times, to no avail lol...And she got up once or twice to pee or to drink water. 

Needless to say, I was rather tired this morning. A little frazzled too when attending a 3-hr call and trying to look after her at the same time. She spilled half of her water bottle at some point in time and I was frantically trying to clean it up while listening to the call. 

That said though..I am still thankful that she's doing good. No fever tonight. Compared to 38.2C this morning. Just that her nose is still a little stuffed and her throat is sore. 

I am trying to keep her and myself well-hydrated. 

And I am trying to keep myself well and healthy and of course...Covid-free. 

I've been washing my hands so frequently I feel like as if I have OCD. Also cleaned some common surfaces in the room this morning with Dettol...like the light switches, door handles, tabletops, toilet bowl, shower area, etc. 

May Nadya get well soon. And may I and the rest at home stay well and healthy, especially Alyssa, whom we're monitoring closely.  

C+

And so my fear came true. 

N had fever this evening and her ART test kit was positive. K was still in camp. Thought I'd be panicking my head off but I surprised myself cos I didn't. 

Been 3 over hours. Still waiting for them to be back from KKH. 

I hope the rest of the family stays negative. 

I feel a little off and warm today though. :(  May I be well. 

Cases...

I feel quite uncomfortable. With the surge in cases, and so many around me getting it. 

3 colleagues, 2 neighbours (one with an 18-month baby who got it as well), a friend's whole family including their 6yr and 3yr-olds, the student care staff, etc...

I just packed a small plastic bag of panadol for adults, fever medication for kids and some fruits for my neighbour and left it at their door. The husband reached out to K for some help on medication as they were running out of it. 

While life still needs to go on and the girls still go to school and their classes or student care, I send them with a worried heart and mind. 

K is in reservist these 2 weeks starting from today. I worry for him as well. 

May all be well and safe. May all keep well and safe. 

CNY 2022

Despite the rise in Covid cases, CNY was less subdued than last year for us. 

We managed to visit our parents, 2 of my uncles' houses and one of K's aunts' place. Thankful to see them still keeping well and going strong!

Did something different this year as well. To send festive greetings, I texted all my distant cousins and called or texted all my aunts whom I did not manage to visit in person. It felt daunting and awkward at first but I guess the first time is always the hardest. To keep familial ties going, especially now in this Covid situation where we can't all gather at someone's home anymore, this is the least I felt I had to do...

I feel blessed too. We did not buy any snacks and were gifted many things by friends, family and neighbours. Totally "inundated" lol....

• 5 bottles of pineapple tarts
• 1 bottle of almond chocolate chip cookies
• 1 bottle of florentines 
• 1 bottle of ondeh ondeh tarts from Olella
• 1 bottle of fried seaweed chips
• 1 box of pineapple cakes
• 1 box of love letters
• 1/2 a kueh lapis cake from Bengawan Solo

We're still struggling to finish some of these. Wondering how...pass some to others maybe...

And I still have a whole bunch of oranges in my fridge..lol...

I feel blessed too that I managed to get a dress quite last minute. I didn't intend to get any, was busy with work and things and didn't feel compelled to buy a new piece of something. 

Spent 30mins online 5 or 6 days prior to CNY and chanced upon a dress from LoveBonito that I felt ok with and which still had my size. Ordered it and got it "express couriered" to me. Lol...

May the Year ahead bring us all good health, prosperity and happiness. Huat ah!

Dad: "Call me?"

Dad texted me this morning with a "Are you free? Call me if you are. Want to tell you something but too long to type in SMS"

It was 15mins before a scheduled meeting. I was wondering what happened and I try to be around for my parents if they reach out via call or text. So I called him anyway. 

And discovered that he wanted to talk to me....

because.....

he was so excited and amused.....

by Word-leh!....the Singlish version of the globally popular Wordle game on the Internet. 

Lol...he was so excited about it and was sharing with me how he had fun playing it and trying it out with words like "cheem", "aiyah", "leceh"....

It was a "duh" moment but I'm still mighty glad I called him back. 

I felt strangely happy and relieved to hear him being so happy and excited and cheery. Felt really nice to hear his guffaws and giggles. I could imagine his eyes lighting up and getting bigger the more he shared with me about the game. 

Live well my dear Daddy! I want to hear more of your laughter in the years to come! 
I never tell you this in person and have done so only through texts......but....

I love you. :)

Ganbatte!

For some reason, since last 2 years, I've had various issues and projects that take a long time to be settled. Some require stamina and patience navigating red tape and bureaucracies and hard to understand SOPs. Some involve tricky end-users who seem to be in a world of their own. And some other issues that are simply draggy because of certain folks up there. 

I was happy to strike off one item from my list back in December. That item was on my list since 2018/2019 and I was mighty happy it was finally completed. 

Another item which we thought was quite straightforward turned out to be such a draggy one and has been around since June 2021. More and more people are getting involved and I REALLY REALLY hope to close this off soon. 

Yet another item was dragging on for the last few months but I'm glad it's nearing its tail end. Fingers crossed that it all goes smoothly from here on. 

Ganbatte!!!

7 Feb 2022

Happy birthday Mama!

I hope you're doing good up there with Ipoh, Tuanku, Uncle Benny, Uncle Bobby and Brenda. :)

Happy Chinese New Year too. :)

I miss you.....

Stomach

Saw my gastro doc yesterday again after 2 years or so. 

Told him I was doing ok for 2 years though occasionally I'd have a bout of diarrhoea or general queasiness and I'd have to eat very clean for awhile. But since beginning of Jan 2022, my acid reflux was back in almost full force, complete with slight dizziness and slight breathlessness at times, neck and back pains, bitterness in the mouth, lump in the throat feeling and difficulty swallowing, amongst other symptoms. 

He recommended another type of stronger medication, a longer-lasting acid inhibitor that is sometimes also used to treat depression. It would have its own side effects though, possible irregular heartbeat, amongst other side effects that I've forgotten. Anyway, told him I'll stick to whatever I've been doing for now. Going to see him in another 6 months then we'll see how. 

I weaned myself off Omeprazole 2 years back on my own. I should be able to get over this "stomach" slump. Slowly. Perhaps the stress I felt during the December period "broke the camel's back" and caused the acid to be produced in amounts greater than usual. 

Jiayou. I can do this. 

Down by 1.5kg. Am at 46.5kg now. 
Nabeh. Takes me months to put on a kg. And just weeks or days to lose 1.5kg, without even doing anything. 

Chicken and Egg

Realisation. Self-awareness.
Effort. Strength.
Emotions. Frustrations. 
Try. How. Must. How.

Around in circles.
Bad tummy. Stress. Bad tummy. Nervousness.
Bad stomach. Worries. Bad stomach. Anxieties.
Circles. Rut.

Get out. Struggling.
Self-management. Control.
Reminders.
Thoughts -> Feelings -> Actions -> Behaviours.

Will.
Must.
Can.
Do.

Sisters

The girls quarrelled again last night. 

Small one cried and came to me for a hug. Small one wriggled out of my hug and left the room in a huff. Big one cried when I went over to hug the big one. 

I spoke to the big one a little and then she left the room. I went to shower and heard K talking to each of them separately. 

Big one left a note on their bedroom door later on. 

"I love you. BUT I'm still sad." 

Sigh...lovey dovey one moment and the next they're going at each other. 

Conversations between a 6yr-old and an 8yr-old

At the dinner table the other day....

N to A: Meimei, you better eat your food and stop playing...*keeps pointing to Alyssa's bowl*

A to N: 你管好你自己的东西先! 不要管别人!

N: *glares*

LOL.....Alyssa learn that from her Chinese childcare teacher...:D 

Reminder to Self

Be more open and 大气, especially to someone whom you already have a small bias against. 
Had a short conversation with a staff from my team and I was irked within a short span of time. Tried to remain neutral and I hope my tone did not show any annoyance. 

Staff E: How are you Michelle after your jab?

Me: I'm ok, had borderline fever yesterday so took Panadol and had a short nap to sleep it off. 

Staff E: Oh? You took Panadol?! *sounding incredulous & surprised*

Me: Ya, why?

StaffE: Oh I didn't take it even though I had fever!

Me: ok...mm...

StaffE: I read somewhere that if you have fever after the jab, try not to take Panadol. This will allow your body to really fight and boost up your immunity after the jab. So I tried to tahan and did not take any. 

Me: I see ok...though just take note that not everything you read online is true or scientifically proven. 

StaffE: Ya, but many people said this. I also have a friend who is a nurse who did not take Panadol even though she had a fever after her jab. That's why I tried to tahan also. 

Me: ok.....

With her, it's always "many people said this" and "I read online that" or "I did my research online and..." or..."I asked around and..." or "I heard that..." or "I did my homework and reading up and...". 

孩子们

Thankful for Alyssa's passionate co-form teacher, who is also her Chinese teacher. 

She had no qualms sharing her mobile number with parents and created a WA group chat with all the parents. Since Day 1, she has been sending very regular updates and photos of the kids during recess, and sometimes videos of the kids during class or snack break time. She updates parents on homework to be done and/or books to bring as well. 

Thanks to her, I know firsthand what Alyssa bought during recess haha. :)

====================
I'm proud of Alyssa. She bought her first drink on the 2nd day of school! A bottle of mango juice. 

And on her 3rd day of school, she bought a plate of fried noodles. :) She wanted to buy it on Day 2 but said she couldn't find the "Stall 5: Fried Noodles" that Nadya had told her about lol. So I spent some time at night describing to her where and how to find it. And she did it on Day 3!

Our Peanut 长大了！

She just hasn't discovered the bookshop.......Yet. lol.

====================
In the meantime, I'm proud of Nadya too. Getting more independent. She's more or less been packing her bag by herself since start of P2 and has been settling her homework at the student care centre dilligently. 

Handling her "start of school year" stuff and helping her settle down into her new P3 life has been alot easier compared to past years. 

The only thing is...she's still sticking to buying fried noodles during recess hahaha. Tried encouraging her to buy char siew rice/noodles to no avail...I can tell she does want to try it out but is still sticking to fried noodles/jelly/drinks/burger maybe because of the familiarity and because she is apprehensive of the wanton/char siew noodle stall auntie lol. In time to come maybe....Jiayou Nadya!

Tummy

I caved. 

I took Omeprazole on a regular basis to control my stomach acid/gastric issues for a year from Feb/Mar 2019 till Mar 2020. I started it on a daily basis, then cut down to once every 2 days, then once every 3 days before I finally cut it out. I didn't take a single pill since Mar 2020. 

But this round, the acidity has gotten worse over a period of 1.5weeks. Even my breath in the morning smells horrible. The tightness in the chest and "lump in the throat" feeling makes me quite uncomfortable as well, both physically and mentally. 

I caved and took a pill this morning in hopes it will relieve the acidity. 

Fingers crossed. 

周杰伦

不知道为什么周董的歌这几天一直在脑海里游。。

今天就让周董陪我做工吧。。。

Jay Chou playlist here we go!!....Some of the songs in the list....

• 晴天
• 一路向北
• 搁浅
• 简单爱
• 风
• 不能说的秘密
• 七里香
• 安静
• 开不了口
• 还有好多好多好多其他的精选。。。。 

想当年。。。周董，陶喆，孙燕姿，动力火车，五月天，FIR飞儿乐团，伍佰，等等都陪我度过了好多时光。。。

Cruising down memory lane today...it's a cold cold day...my nose is stuffed...

Heart Signal

那初遇的感觉
那开心，害羞，心动的感觉
那纠结，揪心，懊恼的感觉

刚看完了《心动的信号4》中文版
这次是在深圳。整体来说，这次和《心动2》有的比。

Heart Signal 1 was so-so, Heart Signal 3 was disappointing due to a cast member being cut out from all scenes because of his misdemeanours. 

Season 2 was great and this season's pretty much the same, with the same level of heart-fluttering moments and great lines that came out of the show. 

This show is probably made for suckers like me haha. 

I could definitely do without the very very very obvious product placements in the show and the blatant advertising that they made the cast members do. 

Just wondering if the Korean Heart Signal would be having a new season anytime soon....I hope so!

stomach

reflux is back, since a week or so ago. 

heartburn at times, especially while eating. tightness in chest at times. lump in the throat feeling. aching and uncomfortable throat that makes swallowing harder. and that's why i've been taking a much longer time eating these few days. and preceding symptoms were the neckaches and backaches, as well as the occasional slight lightheadedness. 

not sure what triggered it. several possibilities. the few bites of pasta with tomato sauce i had, with the homemade pasta sauce diana passed to me. the desserts i had at the start of the year. the white bread i was having the last few days. the bits of fried stuff i was having for sunday breakfast. they all seem pretty normal to me though. maybe my tummy just decided to wreak some havoc for awhile. 

the lump in the throat feeling makes me uncomfortable and the longer it is around, the more my mind starts to wander and think unnecessary thoughts. 

i guess it's porridge time again?

and i hope warm water helps too. 

i don't want to take omeprazole for a week, not when my booster shot is coming up in another 5 days.

S.O.P.

I'm not the one performing the operational duties on a daily basis. 

I wonder why I'm at times more familiar with the policies and SOPs than the 2 ladies handling these issues on a daily basis. 

Why why why?

How can I train them up better? How can I help them help themselves? How can I get them to be more independent, meticulous and up to speed on things? 

I hate to use age as a factor against them and I truly believe that despite their age, they can do it one....But after various incidents over at least a year, I'm starting to wonder if my belief in them was built on shaky ground.

I want them to do better. But have no real idea what else I can do to get them to up their game. Been mulling over this on and off for a long time....

Wishes

2022. For the year ahead, I hope to:

• Find the strength, determination and self-awareness to keep up with self-care and self-management, including building up my stamina and fitness slowly
• Learn and grow more at work, focus on areas and processes that can be improved (kaizen!), and figure out how to manage and work with my team better so they can grow further as well
• Be a more patient, understanding and organised parent
• Keep up with relationships, both with family and close friends
• Keep up with my hobbies, however varied they may be and whichever my heart brings me to at a particular point in time
• Stay grounded, positive, hopeful and find more peace!

Buzzwords

Intention. Focus. Mindfulness. Kaizen. Self-awareness.

Bienvenue 2022

As usual, 2021 went by in a jiffy. 

2021 felt more stable compared to 2020 though as we were all more or less settled into school and work-from-home routines already and I also started the year being at least 3 months into my new job role. 

While there were some frustrating and sometimes anxiety-inducing lows, there were fulfiling highs as well. 

I am thankful for the good stuff:

1. Happy to have spent time with the girls here and there. I quite enjoyed those months when we weren't allowed to visit others, as meals were at home and we could do stuff together. Though I have to be frank too and admit that there were times when I needed some peace and quiet alone time lol. 
2. Glad that my parents and in-laws are generally doing well. Old age ailments plague my parents here and there but nothing too serious and they also managed to go on at least 3 to 4 cruise trips. Glad they've also managed to keep in contact with their friends. 
3. As we settled into working from home, I'm thankful to be "colleagues" with K at home haha. At least we get to lunch together sometimes and on several occasions we settled errands and groceries together too during lunch.
4.  One long-drawn 2.5year project finally concluded! Other to-do items brough over from past years have slowly been cleared off too!
5. While managing the team brings frustration and exasperation at times, I'm still glad that some team members are very willing & able to work hard and produce good work. Thankful to have heard from an external source that I was put up for promotion by my bosses, though it was eventually rejected by the biggest lady boss who wanted more time to observe. I'm glad to be considered and also glad for it to have been put on hold. I don't hanker for and I don't need a promotion right now. Don't feel I am up to the mark yet. 
6. Managed to dabble in various hobbies from gardening to word search and sudoku puzzles. Managed to explore brush calligraphy a little and even learnt some basic Korean on my own through Coursera. Didn't manage to continue with the Korean or brush calligraphy though due to lack of time. 
7. Glad I kept up with close friends and also managed to meet up with some of them like Ally + PQ, ET, KH, SP + J, etc...

May 2022 bring an abundance of good stuff to the girls, K and I. May we stay blessed, happy and healthy always. Onwards and upwards!! Yeah!

Curtains

Every year in Jan, we go through this cycle of sending our curtains to the laundry. We have 5 sets of curtains: my room X 2 sets, girls' room, study room, and the living room.  

We usually send 4 sets for a wash first: my room X 2, study room & living room. When these are ready, one will be used as a temporary set for the girls' room while their set goes for a wash.

In the meantime, laoniang's room remains bare and naked and laoniang cannot walk half-naked out of the bathroom because the neighbours can see....Laoniang also wakes when it's dawn because the windows let light in fully and when it's mid-day, laoniang can "suntan"...In a way, I feel like I am in a greenhouse haha. 

Once in a year affair....;p

For the record

Milestone achieved.

Nadya trimmed 2 of her fingernails by herself on 29 Dec 2021. One snip got too close to the nailbed though and I took over thereafter...but still....yay! She did it! 

Tried teaching Alyssa how to do it but her fingers lacked the strength and dexterity to handle it so I let it be for now...in time to come....when she's ready. :) 

Songs from the 8yr-old

After her shower....she was somehow in a Chrismassy mood...and started singing....

"Sewer bells, sewer bells.....it's Cwismas time in the city..."

"Sewer bells, sewer bells....soon it will be Cwismas day...!!!"

She's turning out to be as lame as her pare...I mean her Dad....lol.....

Conversations with an 8yr-old

In a restaurant somewhere in Suntec City on the 1st day of 2022. 

Nadya: *grumbles* why is the food taking so long...*whines* I'm hungry....*grumbles* uggghhhh....

Us: It's only been 5 or 10mins. They need time to prepare the food. You need to be patient. 

N: Patience is not my name. 

Bratty much. -_-
When this gets too much and one fine day K loses his own patience with her, she's gonna get it good....

Of plants and....plants!

Serissa seems to have stabilised and is no longer dropping leaves. She might have had a shock during the initial days when she was first brought home and placed in the balcony. She seems pretty ok now and I intend to repot her into a bonsai pot, prune off 2 of her long branches and rewire her a little. I hope my experiment goes well...!

===============
The ficus ginseng is doing well. I pruned off a big branch that was spiralling out of shape and dunked it into a cup of water. That was at least a week or 1.5 weeks ago and the cutting is still doing pretty well. None of the leaves have turned yellow or dropped off! I'm amazed. 

The aerial roots are doing well and some of them have found their way and rooted themselves into the soil below. I'm happy to see this but I'm also wondering, with so many aerial roots rooting themselves in the soil, how do I actually repot the bonsai next time ah.....hmm.....

Time for more youtube videos? Lol.....

===============
I made a simple terrarium each for Ally & Peiqi for Xmas. I'd gotten the airplants about a week or 2 prior to assembling the terrarium and was trying to keep them alive and well haha...

They were simply made, nothing too complicated because, laoniang is not so creative and I think being minimal is still better haha. I think the last time I made them a terrarium for them was almost 10 years ago. Also for Xmas and they were fittonias in round ceramic mugs. 

But hor silly me, I forgot to take a photo this time round. :( 

===============
Ex-neighbours Serene & Chin swung by a couple of days ago on 23 Dec. She was complaining that whatever plant they had on the balcony of their new place seemed to shrivel up. 

I ended up giving them 2 types of my 打不死 的 plants hahhaa....Gave them around 3 to 4 aloe vera babies and another 5 to 6 byrophyllum babies. I hope the babies survive! 

===============
Fingers a little itchy to order some plants. But the minimum order of $100 is putting me off. I saw some really nice bonsai type of plants though...Let's see how....

K & I were at IKEA last week and I wanted to get a pot of ficus ginseng to work on again. But....the stocks at the Alexandra branch were quite dismal with no nice root formations. 

大哥 TY

Had lunch with TY yesterday. A 大哥 whom I've known since 2007 when I joined the company. I knew him for just a few months only before he was seconded out to another agency but he made effort to keep in touch with folks from our side. 2 years later he was posted back to our agency and we resumed our friendship. 

We talked about kids, work, ex-colleagues and some other random stuff. 

While we are not extremely close, I am still thankful for this brother-figure in the organisation. Someone who is quite capable and rather senior who knows the ins and outs of the place. 

He's a bull. Over the years, I find that I get along quite well with bulls, goats (or sheep?), horses, roosters, some rabbits and the occasional rat. ;p

===============
TY & I were at Raffles City for lunch. It seemed like many many people were on leave The place was crowded and my senses were a little overwhelmed. Throngs of people young and old were in the basement. Some just milling around, some queueing for food, others were moving around going somewhere. 

Was thankful that K dropped me off at the building.

I was jittery and had to plug my ears in with some instrumental music when I made my way to the restaurant. Been quite awhile since I felt overwhelmed in a shopping centre and I was glad I had the presence of mind to bring my earphones along. I could feel my palms sweating and my hands/fingers were so fidgety. 

I was glad we were seated against the restaurant counter in a corner, just slightly away from the main bustling area in the restaurant. 

Hang in there Ms Serissa!

I think Ms Serissa is in shock. 

From being sheltered, in aircon and under a growing light, she was moved to a shaded but partially bright area with natural wind and air, and surrounded by new "neighbours". I released part of the wire that was holding her top branches in form as well, as I wanted her to breathe a little better and have a chance to spread out more.

She shedded several leaves this morning when I to check on her. 

I hope she adjusts soon to her new home and neighbours. 

I wanted to repot her and prune her as well but I think I'll lay off and let her settle down first. 

Serissa

Bought a serissa plant yesterday, a tiny one which has been wired into an odd non-bonsai shape haha. 

But good enough for me to experiment and try growing it as a mame bonsai since it's less than 20cm tall.  

I hope I don't kill the plant though...It looks rather cute!

Plants again!

Sort of came to a conclusion that the only plants that seem to thrive under my care (or lack of) are the 

• Various airplants I have
• Indian Borage
• Aloe Vera
• Byrophyllum

The aloes are spring up babies here there everywhere. I went from 2 pots to almost 10 pots at some point. Till I got sick of them and threw a bunch away. I also stopped retrieving the babies and repotting them because.....no space. 

The byrophyllum is another 打不死 plant. Self-propagating with no need to look after. It multiplies like nobody's business and I'd probably have hundreds of them by now. I saw people selling them on shopee for $2 a small pot. I was thinking if I dilligently looked after them and collected all the baby sprouts and sold them, I'd probably be at least $1,000 richer by now. Haha.

The Tillandsias are doing well.
The Caput Medusae I bought online last year spiked earlier this year. I left the spike on but realised the plant would not birth if I left the spike as it was. The plant was using up energy to maintain the spike instead of diverting that energy to birth a pup. I hardened my heart and chopped off the spike and voila.....a pup really appeared within a few weeks. So happy! The pup has been growing steadily and at a fast rate too. The mum expended alot of energy though and is starting to shrivel a little. 

The Xerographica is doing alright and growing longer tendrils. Happy and no qualms about how it's doing!