Today we will survive

From "Not Today" BTS
Verse sung by Jungkook, Jimin, J-hope & V


"If you can't fly, then run
Today we will survive
If you can't run, then walk
Today we will survive
If you can't walk, then crawl
Even if you have to crawl, gear up
Aim your gun! Ready! Fire!"

Every little step forward is still progress

Before the girls slept, I told Nadya to go the toilet on her own if she needed to pee in the middle of the night. Also told her that she need not fuss or cry if she needed to pee. Just go pee and then go back to sleep. Been telling her these since awhile back....

My intention is to have her be independent and to overcome her fear of the dark....and of course to minimise sleep interruption for me. Ok, the latter is my main goal lol....

She did very well last night...I heard her wake and go to the washroom herself. Was also glad that she did not fuss or what.

I thought I could just drift back to sleep when she came over after she'd peed.

"Mama!" She whispered and tapped my arm. "Mama!"
"Mama! I woke up and went to pee by myself!!" She said proudly.

"Ok, good job darling. Mama is proud of you. Now go back to sleep...."

So in the end I still got woken up........
*facepalm*

But nevermind.....Reminder to self. Every little step forward is still progress. :)

Alyssa the water baby

Alyssa has been rather taken with swimming recently. Ever since she gained courage and discovered she could swim (or more like dog paddle) around the pool on her own if she had her trusty arm floats on. I took some videos of her doing that last Saturday morning and now she wants to see those videos everyday haha.

She's been showing one particular video to different people and asked me to show her aunt last evening as well. She's proud of her achievement I guess haha.

According to Alyssa's form teacher, apparently Alyssa announced to her teacher and classmates 1 or 2 days ago that "My Dada swims with me with no Tshirt on."

And it sparked off a lengthy "My Daddy also never wear T-shirt" conversation in the entire class haha.

Imagine all the little 3 and 4 year olds talking about their daddies being topless....Lol...
So amusing!

Off with you!

The reflux was under control for awhile. But since last Friday, it kind of reared its head up again. And here I am trying my valiant best to quell it into submission.

These few days.......

• Stomach feels a little twisted up. 
• Stomach feels bloated more than half the time, especially after lunch. 
• Eating alot less again. 
• Wake up feeling a little nauseated sometimes.
• Difficulty swallowing.
• Lump in the throat feeling most of the time. "Globus sensation" is the medical term for it I believe.
• Heartburn on and off
• Chest pain on and off
• Tight chest on and off

Hope this episode clears up soon...
Mind over body? Yeah, mind over body. I can handle this....

Go to sleep now....close your eyes....

We finally tried it. Something I was hoping for a long time. 

K put the girls to sleep last night. Alyssa was pretty cool about it and was very ok with the arrangement. 

Nadya was not so cool about it. She bawled big time. It lasted a good 10-15mins. She cried herself to sleep I think. When Alyssa came out to pee and Nadya was still crying her eyes out, Alyssa told me: "Mama, I told jiejie no need to cry and to be quiet. Mama is just next door right?!"

Although my heart ached a little hearing Nadya cry, I think it is still a good step forward. For all of us. Baby steps. Do it 2-3 times a week and she'll get used to it. 

Having that extra 1-1.5hrs really makes a difference. That "me time" to settle down, tie up loose ends and round up the day.  I managed to settle some things including work and personal stuff and even watched 15mins' worth of a variety show. How cool is that? 

Boxy!

So so blessed.

ST just gave me a box from Miniso...it's a storage box but it also doubles up as a foot rest...
She's been blessing me with gifts every now and then since last year...I feel so paiseh.

And she always tells me she's very grateful I brought her into the team.

We recently got our bonus letters and she said it's the biggest she's ever seen in her entire working life...and she brought up the "being grateful to me" thing again.

My first time bringing someone into the team and I'm glad that things worked out well. She's a good worker and a very nice person. A good fit to the team and I'm glad my judgement of character was accurate in this instance. :)

She's turned out to be one of my closest friends in the team too...:)

Stomach spoil again

Just when I wrote about stabilising the stomach last Friday morning....

Then on Friday afternoon and evening, my stomach acted up. Been quite a long while since the acid reflux acted up so badly. I had the full works of nausea, slight dizziness, chest pain, lump in the throat feeling, bloatedness and upper tummy ache....

Had lunch at 1130am/12pm on Friday and had to skip dinner because I couldn't put anything in at all. If I did, I'd probably have thrown it up. My dinner/supper ended up being just a Maple syrup roll from a bakery, at 930pm or 10pm that night. Had to nibble on it slowly and split the bun into two or three portions instead of finishing it up at one go.

Since that evening, the tummy has not been that well...couldn't eat much over the weekend as well even though I was hungry and wanted to eat....

Because of skipping dinner on Friday and eating less over the weekend, I lost a little weight again...Boo....

Everyday is worth celebrating

Heard a song on Love 97.2 FM this morning...And there was a line which touched me.

"每天都值得去庆祝!"

Everyday is worth celebrating.

So motivating.

Also....find the good and the joy in every situation.
Note to self. Reminder to self!

Of Songs and Lyrics

Alyssa and Nadya were singing self-composed songs to their "babies" last night. They were trying to put their "babies" to sleep. "Babies" being Panda, Alyssa's favourite soft toy, and Bunny, Nadya's favourite toy.

Nadya sang a song which made me a little sad...One of her lines went like this...

"Mama needs to go to work....
I will see you later...
Somebody else will take care of you..."

:(  :(  :(

And then Alyssa surprised me with her own song...I was quite captivated and managed to jot down some of her self-composed lyrics....While not fully coherent, I was surprised at the language she used and how some of the phrases actually rhymed! Whether it was a conscious effort or not, I thought she did a very good job at the lyrics...for a 3.5yr old little girl. It was so....profound.

Here's how her song went.....

"I love you
I miss you
Sleep in the night
When the stars shine bright
Anyway
You cannot be in the way
And you can fill your day up
In the morning
You can talk about your day
In the night
That's me in the world
Shining bright
So fill your day up
To the sky
To the night"

This little girl is turning out quite well, tantrums aside....:)

zzz...zzz...

Too much talking this week...

Last Saturday night - more than an hour
Last Sunday afternoon - 30mins
Tuesday night - an hour
Thursday afternoon - 2-2.5 hours in total
Thursday night - 45mins
Friday afternoon - 1hr

No wonder I feel rather exhausted...
I want sleep and me time.
2 whole days of it. Maybe 3.

Weight...Diet...Changes...

Laoniang is weighing in at 47.1kg since last week...newest low. Sometimes the scale showed 46.9kg as well.

A little alarming considering it's been an average of 1kg loss per month since December.

Things that contributed:

• Stomach issues - Functional dyspepsia and acid reflux. Half the time I am walking around with either a bloated stomach or a stomach that feels knotted up or a stomach that is having indigestion.

• Diet change - major change. I have cut out 98% of snacks and biscuits and sweets. I'm still munching on raisin bread in between meals sometimes. It is my go-to for a quick energy top-up. No chocolates, cakes, tea, coffee, milk, spicy and deep fried food. Though I have no choice but to take fried food sometimes when we are outside and there are no other food choices. No tomatoes and other sour stuff (like pickles, oranges, etc) either. My lunch everyday now is either fusili, noodles or rice, with 2 or 3 types of veg and either chicken, lean pork or minced meat. Come to think of it, 90-95% of my meals are now home-cooked meals, with only the occasional ordering in or dining out. Wah.....

• Meal frequency - Taking smaller portions per meal or as much as my stomach would allow me to put in. Instead of 3 meals a day and munching on snacks in the afternoon sometimes, I'm doing about 4-5 meals a day now, with munching on raisin bread if I feel my energy and/or sugar level getting low. 

Never knew the diet change and switching to smaller but more meals in a day could have such an effect on my weight. That's all my pregnancy weight and more that has been lost. 

But I think I'll still give it another 1-2 more months of cleaner eating before I slowly try to eat some of these foods again to identify which ones are more tolerable and which are the clear no-nos. 

Anyway, ganbatte Michelle...

Don't worry too much about the weight loss...most important thing is to stabilise the stomach first and then see how it goes......Jiayou!!

Epiphany | Self-love

Epiphany by BTS' Jin has been a fav of mine since last year...
Came across an article today that recommended a list of K-songs for self-healing. And Epiphany popped up in the list, together with G-Dragon's Untitled, which I also like. 

Anyway....here are Epiphany's lyrics...


Epiphany
- BTS Jin aka Kim Seok Jin

So weird, I for sure loved you so muchAdapted to you with everything, I wanted to live my life for you
But as I keep doing that I just can't bear the storm inside my heart
The real myself inside the smiling mask, I reveal it entirely

I’m the one I should love in this worldShining me, precious soul of mineI finally realized so I love me
Not so perfect but so beautifulI’m the one I should love

I’m shaking and afraid but I keep going forwardI’m meeting the real you, hidden in the stormWhy did I want to hide my precious self like this?What was I so afraid of?Why did I hide my true self?

I’m the one I should love in this world
Shining me, precious soul of mineI finally realized so I love me
Not so perfect but so beautifulI'm the one I should love

I may be a bit blunt, I may lack some things
I may not have that shy glow around me
But this is me
My arms, my legs, my heart, my soul

I wanna love in this world
Shining me, precious soul of mine
I finally realized so I love me
Not so perfect but so beautiful
I'm the one I should love

I’m the one I should love
I’m the one I should love

Coincidences?

Something's been happening in recent weeks and months...The coincidences are sometimes so uncanny and mysterious it's a little unnerving.

The number 44 appears very often. Sometimes it's just 4 but most of the time it's 44.

• I'd glance at my phone or my laptop for the time and it would be something along the lines of 9:44am, 1:44pm, 2:44pm or 5:44pm. This happens all the time. And my phone is on a 24-hr clock display so when it's 2:44pm, it actually reads as 14:44pm. There were at least 2 to 3  occasions when I woke in the middle of the night to pee and the clock read 4:44am or 3:44am or 2:44am. 
• I'd stop reading my book to find that it's at page 44 or 64 or 74. 
• I had a medical appointment on 4-4-19.
• My brother just turned 44 a month ago. 
• A cab I booked came with licence plate number 2844
• And so on....

Relax

Sweaty palms
Sweaty feet

Just saw this on my boss' cup...how apt.

"Relaxation is an art. Practice. Practice. Practice."

Touched

One of the paragraphs that resonated with me the most when I read Desiderata.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself. 

Strip away some words and the underlying key points that touched me come through.....

Take kindly the counsel of the years.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Be gentle with yourself.

Desiderata

Written in 1927 by poet Max Ehrmann. But still very relevant for how we should live our lives.


DESIDERATA
Max Ehrmann, 1927

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Roasting

We were at the basement of 112 Katong and making our way to Nadya's ballet class.

Alyssa suddenly said to me: "Mama, I want to roast the man!"

Me: ??? Roast the man? Huh???

She pointed to something. I followed her gaze....and...

Oh. CHEY!!

She was referring to the table soccer machine just outside the supermarket. Those with sticks/handle bars sticking out from the sides of the machine and where you twist those sticks so that the different-coloured little plastic men attached to them would hit the plastic soccer ball in the machine.

So smart lah this girl...
Haha....Roast the man...LOL LOL....

Reminder to Self

It's ok to reminisce once in awhile.
It's ok to run through some past memories in your head once in a blue moon.

But it's not so good to live in the past or wish certain things would go back to the way they were.

Because time and space and people have moved on.

And so should you.

While it is true that the past has helped shape you, it is also true that we should live looking forward and moving forward.

Sure, you can pause and take a look back to see how far you have come, what you have overcome and what you have achieved.

Then take a deep breath, collect yourself and move on again.

Keep moving forward.
Trudge on.

You can do it.

When....

When you put on a brave front and meet with an external party (for work purposes) whom you get along with rather well but have not met for maybe 7 to 8 months or so.

When the heart is very willing but the mind wreaks havoc with you.

When you catch up with the other party but you can feel your legs trembling as well.

When you are chatting but also feeling your hands turn clammy and a little sweaty.

When you are talking and at the same time feeling yourself go a little light-headed.

When you are present with the other party but at the same time trying to get a grip on yourself.

When you realise that it was only a 30mins catch-up and you were willing to go on longer...but the mind seems to be getting more impatient as well.

At least I did it.
I went downstairs. I met with my registrar for 30mins.
I can do this.

Heartwarming

It was a heartwarming moment. Happened this morning.
I guess these moments are made all the more special when you don't expect it at all.

I was on my bed and putting on my concealer. Nadya happened along and was playing with some toy when I mentioned to her that it was rather hot. The fan was at the time fixed at another spot away from me.

I didn't ask her to but Nadya then skipped over to the fan, pressed the button to release it from its position and tried to then fix the fan so that it would blow at me.

感动.

I thanked her and mentioned that I really appreciated that action. She smiled proudly.

Seek and you will find

Wonder what happened to my "mind over body" mantra over the years.
It kind of fizzled out when I didn't rely on it much over the last 6, 7, 8 years...

I forgot all about it but it suddenly popped up in my head this morning.

It is ironic that having gone through a few more years of life, the mind seems weaker now than it was before. Maybe ignorance and a certain foolhardiness and bravery fueled the mind a decade ago. That courage to trust and believe in yourself and let things be come what may. That courage to keep moving and keep going even if things go awry.

I should search within for that courage again.
Strength. Yes, I need that too.

Peanut

Even though she's already 3.5yrs old, I still see Alyssa as a baby.

I was really caught by surprise when I found out by chance last night that she could read and recognise the Chinese words 狗， 羊， 红， 妈， 爸，六 , and 白.

Her Chinese class teacher had returned a worksheet that they used in class and there was an attached paper detailing how well she knew some of these Chinese words...I think she may know more words than these....

Way to go Alyssa!!

I think we did not spend as much time teaching Alyssa as we did to Nadya couple of years ago....
Maybe that's why everything that Alyssa can do right now, I find fascinating...like how she drew her classmates and even added in details like their shirt buttons, shoes and coloured hair....

Bosses

I am thankful for having had nice bosses over the years....

Some of them may have been cantankerous, obnoxious, or quirky and strange in their ways...
But they were flexible, nice and genuinely cared for me in their own ways too...

James
Guinevere
Jenaline
Choon Sai
Ser Pheng

Thank you for being in my life at various stages...and thank you for imparting some of your knowledge (whether knowingly or unknowingly) to me...

I can.

The journey of a 1,000 miles starts with a single step.

A single step.

Just. Need. To. Get. Started.

For now, it is......

Not about how far, how long, how fast I can go.

But about taking that first step.

That first step.

That first single step.

Need some courage and motivation.

Promotions...nope not me

Been receiving pieces of good news from here and there in the recent 1-2 weeks...

Ally received a promotion!

Linda received a promotion!

And now...Kah Hui received a promotion as well!

Happy for them....

Kah Hui was promoted to SM after me and now she's an AD. Am a little envious. But not too much also, cos I know that their scope of work and what we're doing in my team is vastly different and on a different scale and level altogether...
I'm just happy that she's got more $$ now for her housing loans and renovation...!!

11 April

Hello Mama,

How are you? I miss you.

Hope life's been good up there. Are you still playing mahjong with Ipoh, Tuanku, Kimpoh and your other relatives? Are you eating, sleeping and drinking well? I don't know actually, do you guys get to eat, drink and sleep? :)

The girls are doing good. They are growing well, Nadya is getting more articulate and is learning things well. Alyssa is getting more expressive but she's also throwing alot more tantrums these days. Her body constitution is still not so stable and she falls sick easily. Please watch over the two of them ya...

The rest of us are doing alright. Adrian went through major changes last year but has since stabilised. There will still be more changes in his life this year too but they're all for the better I hope. Mum and Dad are doing good. They still have their health issues here and there but by and large, they've been pretty good and stable, and still going on their cruises and Genting trips. K is doing alright and has started running regularly again. He's been watching his food intake and is working hard at his venture. As for me, I've been having some health issues here and there over the last few months but I'm still doing ok for the most part. I will persevere and work hard to be well. Lastly, both Ah Gor and Ah Dioh are getting baptised at Bedok Methodist Church this Saturday at 3pm.

Please watch over  all of us too ya...

In the meantime, take care...and I'll "speak" to you again next time...


Love you...
Michelle

===============
Swung by Holy Family Church yesterday afternoon to say some prayers and to "speak" to my Granny for awhile. K was with me as well. My parents and Adrian had gone there earlier in the afternoon and left about 5mins before I arrived. Missed them by that mere 5mins haha.

It's strange. Whenever I step into this particular church, I feel emotional and I always end up crying when I sit in the pews to pray. I'd try my best to control myself but to no avail, the tears just come. Just a matter of many tears or some tears. I don't get this way when I am at Novena Church.

I wonder what's there at Holy Family Church that gets to me.....maybe it's the giant stained glass feature adorning the main hall's front wall. It's beautiful by the way. Very beautiful.

So anyway, it's been 5 years since Granny left us. Time flies. I remember Nadya was only 6 months and 2 days old when she passed. And I remember feeling thankful that at least Granny had gotten to meet Nadya when she was about a month old.

I miss my Gran's hands. They were pretty large for a woman, slighty calloused at certain areas but very warm. I miss that warmth. Whenever I felt cold, which was pretty often, especially when the family was out at a shopping centre, she'd hold my hands and rub them to keep them warm.

When I sing or hum songs for the girls at night before they sleep, I'd get reminded of her too, and the times when we lay together on the leather sofa at our old Bedok flat at night before bed and she sang me songs and nursery rhymes like Old McDonald and Baa Baa Black Sheep. That was one of the earliest memories of my life. I think I was probably 3 or 4.

Typing this and tearing up at work. Not so good. ;p
I should stop.

...........

Since December 2018, K has taken turns with me to sleep with the girls. Before that I was sleeping with the girls each night.

Now that this arrangement is in place, I look forward to the nights when it's my turn to not sleep with them.

I have no idea how I survived before......waking up each night multiple times over a period of almost a year. Maybe that's why I fell sick often and felt so overwhelmed with things. Maybe that's why or how I ended up with myriad issues. I guess sometimes, just trying to trudge on and persevere on your own isn't all that......smart. For lack of a better word.

Food for Thought

I was asked to think through these 2 questions last week. 

1. What are your expectations of yourself as a mother?
2. What are your expectations of yourself as a wife?

I thought alot about it on Wednesday evening and Thursday. 

And then my acid reflux acted up.....lol.

===============

One of my favourite episodes from Jibsabu Ilche (Master in the House) that got me thinking. 

It was aired earlier this year and featured Park Jin Young (CEO of JYP Entertainment) as the Master. 

He asked the members to ponder over the below 2 phrases and fill in the blanks with their own words....

• I want to be  _____________.
• I want to live for  ________________. 

His own sentences were:

• I want to be respected.
• I want to live for the truth. 

Ang Gu Gu....

Feeling happy...

Eric and Des are due in end June.
Dan and YL are due in early Oct.

ST is trying for one.
Par and Desh are trying for one too...

More babies = more love and joy around...

Good News

Just received a piece of good news...YL is expecting again!
 Charlotte will have a baby sibling soonnn!! Hahahaha...

I knew something was up when I suddenly thought of Dan & YL last week and when I suddenly thought of YL this morning again...
She also suddenly texted me around mid-day today....asking me out for lunch...

I wondered to myself if I would see her with a big belly.....

And then aha...! She told me about it....

Happy for them. :)

EDD in early Oct...yay! Will be a libran like me, Nadya and Alyssa!

Milestone Again!

This time...*drumroll*......it's US. :)

And so...10 years ago on a fateful Thursday
This innocent little (female) lamb stepped aboard a pirate ship ;p
And sailed away with the captain of the ship...(who happened to be another lamb)

Meh meh meh....Arrrrrr!
Yo ho ho! Ya ha ha!
Hardy har har har!

Over smooth waters
Over rough waves
Under twinkling stars
Under the shiny moon
Under the mighty sun
Under fluffy clouds

Rain or shine
The 2 sailed on
The 2 lambs have now become sheep
With 2 new lambs of their own...:)

Happy 10th Anniversary Baby!
Love you and thank you for being around
Thank you. Just because.

Milestone!

Peanut finally wrote her name by herself. :)
On 6 April 2019, Saturday.
On a magnetic board at the reading corner of Lorna Whiston School, the Parkway Parade branch.
While waiting for Nadya to finish her class.
Aged 3 years and 6.5 months. :)

Mama and Dada are proud!

Nadya

My firstborn.

There's something warm and fuzzy when you reach the stage when your kid is actually able to wear some of your old clothes. Yeah sure, it may look a little baggy on her but she's able to carry it off! :D

This pink T-shirt was probably from 2007/2008/2009. That's at least 10 years ago.

3rd April 2019

As of today, this blog is 13 years, 8 months, 1 week and 2 days old.

Wow.

It's like I've a teenage daughter in addition to the other 2 younger girls....:)

Random

While putting the girls to sleep last night....a random thought came into my mind....

Why do people say "....getting the shorter end of the stick....".

End of the stick got short or long one meh?
Thought the end of a stick is either sharp or blunt?
Length of a stick is just the full length of the stick lor...how to measure the end of a stick?

Hahaa...one of those things....

Scan

Went for an ultrasound yesterday morning for the pancreas, liver and kidney functions.
Ordered by the gastro doctor.

I'll only be seeing him in end May...so hopefully my scan is normal.
If they don't call me immediately means it should be normal right?

Girlfriends. Big Girlfriends.

Thankful for girlfriends who have been with me for :

• the last 26 years, 
• the last 9 to 10 years, and
• the last 1 year.

Thankful for some guy friends who have been with me for :

• the last 20 years, and
• the last 10 years.

A, P, K, Mas, Mi, LH, ST, Ed and Dan...

Lazy Daisy

Lol, I don't know how much lazier can I get.

I just visited my own blog after umpteen years....and realised that some free counter widget was still on the right of the blog....just that the free counter service has been discontinued. So all that's showing is just a placeholder....Two of these....

One of them was titled "The Countdown"...I remember doing it up when I was expecting Nadya...which was like 6 years back. Not sure if I used it when I was carrying Alyssa though...likely not.

Been ages since I tinkered with the html of this blog...don't remember how to do it also....

Maybe I should try again...and remove those ugly placeholders.....:)

Girlfriends. Little Girlfriends.

We had 2 of Nadya's friends over for dinner last evening. Together with their parents....

4 little girls make for ALOT OF NOISE. Lol.

Felt a little sorry for our neighbours with the amount of shouting, shrieking, screaming, running and jumping that was going on from 630pm to 830pm.

I was really glad to see Alyssa joining in the older girls' activities, and it was sweet too, seeing them look out for her...although she was usually the slowest amongst them haha. Shorter legs.
While she may not have understood 100% of what was going on during their play and make-believe sessions, she tried her best and they also included her in as much as possible. *hearts* The other kids' parents have never really seen this happy, squealing side of her hahaha...They're more used to her quieter and shy side and were surprised to see her running around and playing with the jiejies....:)

Laoniang's Foot is Better

The gel given by the AnE doc worked pretty well. The next morning after I used it for the first time on last Wednesday night, the soreness had lessened alot and the swelling reduced too.

Resting well from Wed to Fri helped as well and by Friday I was almost walking normally. The foot only felt sore at certain angles...

Over the weekend, I moved around more, cos of looking after the kids....and I also accidentally slammed the same foot against a cupboard on Saturday mid-day. The same exact spot. Wah, the pain I felt at that time was !@#$^%*&%*$E%#$. I was in the midst of helping Alyssa wash herself after a poop. She gave me a quizzical look when I suddenly inhaled sharply and scrunched my face up. The sweet little girl asked "Mama, are you ok?"

It's Monday again. A week after I hurt my foot. While i can walk pretty ok now, some soreness is still around, especially after the busy weekend. While there is a scab where the abrasion was, the scabs don't seem to be fully dry and flaking off as yet. There is also redness on and around the abrasion.

Wishing that the soreness and redness will fully disappear over the coming week ahead....
Ganbatte!

Laoniang's Foot

And so on Monday afternoon....IKEA delivered 2 boxes of Billy bookcases that we bought to store the girls' and our burgeoning stash of books and documents....Both boxes were 2m long...

The deliverymen left them in the room standing upright...and the blur me didn't have the presence of mind to get them to place the boxes lying down on the floor so that they don't topple over.

So after the guys left...laoniang and the helper decided to adjust the boxes...

Laoniang act hero....

One of the boxes was too heavy...

Laoniang's hands miscue....

The huge box toppled over.....

Laoniang's right foot was in the way....

Laoniang tried to siam....

But couldn't siam much....

And so.... the box landed on Laoniang's foot.

The top of my right foot swelled up immediately at the point of impact...There was a line of abrasion as well and a blue black outline formed immediately too....

It was uncomfortable on Monday night but I still made it to work on Tuesday morning. On Tuesday night I couldn't walk much and hobbled alot. Right foot had a throbbing pain on and off throughout the night as well. So on Wed I decided to get it xrayed....

No fracture...which is good...

Just given 2 days MC and some gel to apply to relive the swelling and pain.

In my parent's words...sigh...macham macham...

ENT Review

Went for the ENT review yesterday morning.

This new lady doc Joyce Tang was really nice and patient. Really appreciated her explanations to the various queries I had.

Had a nose/throat scope done again and that yucky numbing medicine sprayed down both of my nostrils and into my throat. Was talking funny after that hahha....

In gist....

• No nodules in the throat - good! 
• No lesions in the throat - good!
• Vocal cords are ok - good! 
• Lightheadness is not due to any inner-ear imbalance - good!
• Some "dirt" in the tonsils...which she said is probably due to past infections and can be ignored - good!
• Back of throat is slightly swollen, which is a sign of the acid reflux, but she assured me that this is a very common condition....and probably many people have it but they just don't know...
• Said acid reflux is very common in Singapore, probably due to our lifestyle and or local food...just need to manage it properly, make the appropriate lifestyle and diet adjustments and learn how to live with it...

Glad it went well...

On a sidenote, we were talking about G6PD and the nurse in attendance in the room happened to have it too...Same situation as me! Parents and older brother don't have it but we (as the younger sister) have it! Was so happy to have met someone who is like me...:) 

Love

Maybe I made a mistake yesterday, but yesterday’s me is still me. Today, I am who I am with all of my faults and mistakes. Tomorrow, I might be a tiny bit wiser and that’ll be me too. These faults and mistakes are what I am, making up the brightest stars in the constellation of my life. I have come to love myself for who I am, who I was, and who I hope to become.

— Rap Monster, BTS

Riding the waves

Riding crests and troughs
Sometimes all within half a day
In a day, a week, 2 weeks
Getting quite good at "surfing" I must say :)

Keeping head high even when in a trough
Need to, have to
Else how can I continue breathing?

The going gets tough sometimes though
The heart beats fast
The knees rattle
The mind races and wanders around
The fingers tingle
The palms get clammy

Hwaiting
Hwaiting
People are cheering you on too

Keep the faith
Keep the strength
With effort, you will see results

Eye Review

Went for a review of my eyes yesterday morning.

Good news.

Left eye - condition is the same as past months...

Right eye - laser scarring has healed well....

Next review will be in a year's time.

I hope my eyes stay well...the floaters, especially those in my left eye, cause my eyes to be quite strained and tired sometimes when I spend long hours staring at the laptop.

Jiayou!!

2D1N

Jung Joon Young, you are a smart intelligent guy.
You're talented in music and you've got a good voice.
I used to listen to your songs while at work. I had a whole playlist of your songs.

Why did you not put these to good use and chose instead to dabble in vice?
Did you let your "fame" and "celebrity status" get to your head?
Did you not think that all these unsavoury activities would ultimately lead to your downfall one day?
You narrowly "escaped" a sex scandal 3-4years back. We all thought it was a misunderstanding between yourself and your ex-girlfriend.
Now we know, it was likely she was bought off and threatened by that powerful "police chief" friend of yours and Seungri's.

It's enough to drag yourself down but why cause 2D1N to suffer along with you?
Now Cha Tae Hyun and Kim Joon Ho are also affected, and their 20-years careers brought to sudden halt just because of betting between friends.
Many believe their side news are just cover-ups and meant as a distraction from the real issues related to you, Seungri, Choi Jong Hoon and the whole Burning Sun fiasco.

I hope Kim Jong Min, Yoon Shi Yoon, Defcoon and Lee Yongjin won't be too affected by all these happenings.
I hope Kim Seong PD and the rest of the 2D1N crew will keep their spirits up.
The production of 2D1N has been put on an indefinite hiatus but I'm sure loyal fans are still supporting the show, cast and crew members.

Fighting!
#RememberEachMember

Celebrating Little Victories and Appreciating Little Steps Forward

Celebrating little victories and appreciating little steps forward. 

Yeah, bit by bit...one step at a time. Slowly but surely...!

• I got the call that I was hoping to receive. While it took longer than expected and the conversation brought me some amount of discomfort, I was still glad it took place because it allowed me to confront some of things I'd been feeling and it also means things are moving. Moving forward. And moving forward is always good. 
• I feel better today, only a slight lightheaded-ness and no nausea. Yay! Lunch is digesting nicely too with not much feeling of bloatedness in the upper abdomen. 
• Came into office today and received an unexpected email from the corporate office. It was an announcement that all staff could all leave at 430pm today because it's Eat with Your Family Day. Yay!

On a side note, things I wanna do if I do go on a hiatus from work...

• Start exercising. Start my walks again. Stretching...
• Hop over to 3Arts and take up a pottery course with them....with the electric wheel, not the manual wheel
• Build one small terrarium again. 
• Declutter the house.

加油！

你可以的!

Okapi

I've been scratching my head each night now thinking of what animal to introduce to the girls...

A lightbulb lit in my head last night....and I showed them photos of the okapi...

Hahaha....they were amazed at the half zebra, half deer? antelope? creature....

Family

This was drafted back in 2014. A good 5 years ago....I didn't complete the post but it's still a valid reflection of how and what I feel.

================================

I realised how selfish I was when I was younger.

I took my family for granted. I took my grandmother's and my parents' love and care and concern for granted. They may not have shown it through the best of ways nor the most loving of ways nor used the best words but still, they cared for and loved me deeply.

Looking back, there were a few turning points and key events which happened and made me realise I was almost behaving like an ingrate.

I might have blogged about them before. Maybe even several times. I don't know, I can't remember.
But if so, then it is because I truly hold my family close to my heart and I always remind myself now that I cannot take their love for granted.

Medical....over the years.....

Sorted through my health documents...Realised that accumulated over the last several years....I have more than 10 folders related to health and medical stuff....some are no longer an issue, some are still there...

1. Dental
2. Respiratory
3. Dermatology
4. Neurology
5. Geriartric
6. Poly
7. Ear Nose Throat
8. Gastroenterology
9. Heart
10. Eye
11. Obstetrics & Gynaecology

Next stuff to sort out and consolidate properly....all my insurance papers and documents.....

Ganbatte.....

Clearing clutter

Learning how to break some things down into smaller bits. Easier to handle.
Learning how not to expect myself to finish everything in a single session. 
Learning how not to impose impossible expectations on myself.

So I'm recently clearing up the mess on my bedside table. It's a long table filled with books, the girls' hair accessories, my letters and documents, etc.

I should probably be abit more dilligent when it comes to filing away my official letters and documents.
One of my notice of assessment that I found was from 2017...SP power bills from 2017 were also in the pile...zzz.

Anyway, clearing and going through the pile of docs bit by bit each night.

Then I will move on to clearing and packing my bedside drawers and then the big drawers below my bed and then hopefully to the girls' cupboards and their clothes and toys.

When things have not been done for a couple of years...and the day to day dilligence to keep things as neat as possible was not really there...and when the girls have access to these drawers and constantly put stuff or take stuff from the drawers....the clutter and mess gets real...

Am I doing a Marie Kondo? Not quite actually. It's been on the cards for a long time...way before the Marie Kondo craze came about...

Will I throw things away because they do not spark joy? I don't know...maybe...I just go by gut feel and mood most of the time.

Things I am thankful for today

1. Helper prepared lunch
2. Boss allowed me to work from home 4 days out of 5 this week because I'm participating remotely in a meeting taking place in Japan....
3. My new phone should be coming soon?
4. While I may be lacking in various areas, the girls, especially Nadya, see me as a superwoman...
5. I have a roof over my head and aircon to beat Singapore's unbelievable humidity....

Woot...!

Happy that my left baby toe is no longer hurting...:) I can walk properly again!

Weight

Laoniang....is weighing in at 47.7kg liao.

Newest low.

Even I am starting to notice that my cheekbones and jawline are becoming more prominent.

That's 4kg off the 51.5kg that I was at a couple of months back...

I tried on my wedding ring this afternoon and found that I could wear it...though it still felt tight...
I've not been able to put it on for the longest time...I could if I wanted to but then it'd probably take a few hours to yank it out.....
This afternoon, I didn't have to yank it out...

Left Baby Toe

Nagging soreness/pain in my left baby toe.
Suddenly this discomfort appeared this afternoon during or just after lunch.

I didn't fall down or anything. BUt I think I got up from the floor a couple of times...
Somehow after lunch, I noticed I'd felt some pain in that toe...
I couldn't walk properly too. Couldn't rest my weight fully on that foot.

The baby toe seems very slightly swollen...
I hope it's just a small sprain or something...

But...

I love my kids.

I appreciate the chats we have before they drift off to lala land...that's when they sometimes tell me about their day and what they did in school or what their favourite friends did and so on...

But sometimes.

I can't help but think..

That the 1.5 to 2 hours I spend each night trying to get them to sleep.....including all the effort spent nagging and sometimes threatening them....

Could be better spent checking off the stuff on my to-do list.

Weight

On 14 Feb, I was 48.8kg.

Went down to 47.8kg 2 days ago on 6 Mar.

Now I'm back to 48.1kg.

Slightly yo yo weight but with a downward trend.....Hope it stays stable now at 48kg....

Girls.....

Nadya's current pet phrases when she knows she's wrong and at the losing end of an argument with me.

"Then I will roll my eyes at you!" OR
"I don't care what you do or say!"

And Alyssa being Alyssa, would just copy what Nadya does.

*facepalm*

Animal Planet

Tim flies. And so, it's been what...5 or 6 weeks since I started showing animal photos every night to the girls before they sleep.

Some other notable animals that I've shown to them...:

• marmosets
• narwhals
• the world's smallest frog
• beluga whales
• pangolins
• armadillos
• anteaters
• different types of snakes
• American bald eagle
• vultures
• great danes (the biggest dog)
• chihuahua (the smallest dog)
• lynxes (Alyssa seemed to like lynxes alot)
• sphynxes (the were intrigued by this hairless cat)
• mandarin ducks

Kind of running out of ideas of what animals to show them each night already haha....

This shall pass

It's a journey.
Times of ups and downs.
Times of more downs than ups right now.
But I believe that given more time, time itself will bring more ups back.
And I also think that given more time and effort and support, I myself will search for, find and bring back more ups too.

The floodgates open more easily these days.
Hair falls more easily too.

All I can say to myself is jiayou..ganbatte...你可以的!
This shall pass...

Conversations with a 5yr 5mth old

Nadya was talking to K the other day....

N: Dada, do you have air in your tummy?
K: Yeah, not feeling too good.
N: Mama has air in her tummy too.
K: Ok
N: You know, like this you won't need to carry a drum to a party. Just need to pat your tummy.
K: Trying to be smart is it?
N: No, Mama is smarter.

Haha thank you Nadya, for putting Mama on a pedestal...
Mama will strive to be someone you can look up to always...

Endoscopy + Tummy Issues.....

The endoscopy last Thursday went well. It might be a minor thing to some people but to me, it wasn't that minor...

Most people in Singapore undergo sedation to do the scope. I went without it because the doctor was afraid sedation might affect my existing heart condition, however mild that condition might be.

There was an LA given to numb the throat and oesophagus and that was it. The tube that they stuck down my throat was as thick as my thumb. I remember my gag reflex went into action the moment it felt the tube going down the throat....I gagged and retched...and gagged and retched somemore...The nurse covered my eyes and ears with a towel. Coupled with the tube stuck in my throat, it felt a little claustrophobic.

They pumped air into my stomach to distend it so they could see better. It was uncomfortable. Not painful but very uncomfortable. My stomach muscles contracted reflexively several times as well. I retched and the air came out involuntarily several times in big belches. It was pretty embarrassing. I sounded like a hog.

I was glad it was over in 5-7 minutes. It felt more like twice the time taken though.

There was nothing found. Which is good. All results came out normal from the scope. No lesions, no H. Pylori bacteria, no ulcer, no breaks in the food pipe.

I don't feel very happy though. Because while there are no major issues, the diagnosis of whatever I'm having is still a very abstract thing to grasp, and to manage, and to treat.

The diagnosis is still that I'm having "functional dyspepsia". A presence of symptoms affecting the upper gastrointestinal system. Symptoms include nausea, vomitting, early satiety, bloatedness, smaller appetite, reflux, etc.

No medication to cure. Just lifestyle changes to manage it. Medications can only help manage the symptoms abit. And the doc didn't put me on any...getting me to try adjusting lifetsyle first....only seeing him in 3 months' time. Good luck to me in the meantime.......

Feeling nausea, bloating and lack of energy (breathless) everyday. It's like I'm having morning sickness, just that there's no baby. Gets worse when I'm in office as I can't lie down to rest or anything...and the aircon and bright ceiling lights don't help much too. Taking each day as it comes.

Fighting.....

The Fried Phone

Remember the fried phone?

That big data recovery company couldn't do anything about it. They couldn't run a current through the motherboard as well and it is a big and sad SAYONARA to all my photos and videos.

I've come to terms with it. Somewhat.
I was pretty upset last Friday when the news came in.

But oh well...moving on.....

And I guess...the dinosaur me....should start learning how to use icloud, google photos, dropbox??

Sigh.......

Learning Everyday

Things that I'm thankful for today

• Lovely, helpful colleagues who have become close friends and confidantes.
• Understanding, flexible and open-minded boss. 
• K
• The girls
• Close friends
• That I can still eat some food and that I don't actually throw up
• Having a helper who can help prepare my "tingkat" meals and get the chores done

Weight

Weighed in at 48.1kg this morning.

Stomach acted up yesterday and I couldn't take in much. Just one day of eating less and I lost 700-800 grams i.e. almost a kg?

Hope I can eat better today...

The Girls

The girls get on my nerves sometimes. They test my patience and limits sometimes.
I nag and nag. I lose my patience and shout at them sometimes.
I feel tired most of the time.

But when I see their smiles. When I see their faces when they're sleeping.
When I get hugs and kisses from them. When they tell me "Mama I love you!"
When they draw or make things for me.......

I feel happy and blessed and I think it's all worth it.

Weight

Weight seems to have stabilised a little. It's been at 48.8 or 49kg for the past week...which is good. The sudden drop the other time kinda scared me somewhat.

And so....

It's really happening.

K has submitted the withdrawal notice to the current childcare centre and paid the deposit for the new place.

We're pulling Nadya out as her class only has 3 people left including her. All her best girl buddies are going or already gone. One of the other 2 boys is also considering leaving so...eventually in the next few weeks maybe there'll only be one last boy left...

I'm sentimental. I really wanted Nadya to finish her pre-primary journey at this centre...afterall, she's been there since she was 4.5months old....from infant care till now in K2. She's the kid who has been there the longest. I'm kinda sad that we couldn't let her complete her K2 studies there...
*sniff*

That said, Alyssa still remains at the current centre...I hope she won't get too upset that Jiejie will no longer be at the same school...but she needs to get used to it anyway, especially when Nadya goes into P1 next year.

Fingers crossed that Nadya will adapt well to the new place...and that she will learn newer stuff while there. I hope she doesn't protest too much when we tell her about the change...

Quotes

“So, what if, instead of thinking about solving your whole life, you just think about adding additional good things. One at a time. Just let your pile of good things grow”


"Little by little, day by day, what is mean for you WILL find its way”


“An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backward. When life is dragging your back with difficulties, it means it’s going to launch you into something great. So just focus, and keep aiming”


“A great attitude becomes a great today which becomes a great week which becomes a great month which becomes a great year which becomes a great life”


“The sun is a daily reminder that we too can rise again from the darkness, that we too can shine our own light” - S. Anja

Parenting

As a parent, sometimes I find myself second-guessing our decisions for the kids.
Are we doing this right? Isn't there a better way? Do we need to do this? Should we do this?

I guess we all want the best for our kids. And sometimes it may slip our minds that kids are more adaptable and resilient than they seem.

And ultimately, we also just have to trust that things will work out, whatever decision(s) we take. If it doesn't work out as beautifully as expected, then we need to tweak our approach again. Bopian.

Reminder to self: Have faith. Have trust in the girls too.

Stuff

• Need to talk to the helper soon. Extending her contract...so see if she's amenable to it...
• Mum...has...shingles....:( and she has been put on a strong dose of antibiotics. 800mg 5 times a day for a week. Piangz...Hope she recovers soon. She has disallowed us to pop by this weekend as the doctor said it's especially contagious to other elderly and young kids.....
• Good buddy Ed texted me this morning to say he has it too. Why so qiao??!! And he's also on the same medication as my mum. Maybe it's standard SOP for the docs these days?
• Need to see if we will or will not switch Nadya/Alyssa to another childcare...the current school is pretty messy in terms of management and staff turnover. While Alyssa's teacher is quite good and stable, Nadya's K2 class has become a laughingstock of sorts. From 10-over kids last year....by the end of Mar, I think it will only be 4 pupils. That's quite demoralising and pathetic... Many have left due to the messy management, while others had valid reasons. 
• Hoping to hear from the data recovery company on how the data extraction from the fried phone is coming along...it's been almost a week...

Self Tingkat

Brought homecooked lunch to office these 2 days. Realised my helper can sometimes be quite heavy-handed on the salt. 

It's only a one dish thingy and rice for these 2 days. Simple stuff that I could gather from whatever's currently at home.

I'd take 80% to 90% of it for lunch and then have the other 10-15% for tea-break. This arrangement worked yesterday...but didn't quite work today. Not sure why...the tummy isn't cooperating very well today.

It's abit leychey though...to carry the food to office. I am using my old cooler bag which I used to ferry my breastmilk to and from office when Alyssa was still a few months old. Wah...that was....3 to 3.5yrs ago already...time flies...

Anyway, will be exploring other things like:

• Other convenient recipes including noodles and soups, and porridge
• Thermal food jars
• Glass containers which heats up better in the microwave
• What foods to buy
• Coming up with a week's worth of menu....and beyond that too....

You.Can.Do.This.

I.Can.Do.This.

Persevere.

Alyssa

So I was proud of her for she managed to wake up when she needed to pee for the last 2 days. There is a certain pattern and she would wake around 1030 to 11pm.

We would then put on a diaper for her because after that....she usually can't wake up to pee anymore and would just pee on the bed.

Jiayou to the next few weeks...and months?

My washing machine is super overworked this past week ever since she insisted on not wearing diapers to bed....

confusion

So the ENT doctor said I seem to be having acid reflux. He put me on omeprazole on a longer term basis (3 months) to quell acid production in the stomach.

The gastro doc diagnosed me differently and also didn't seem to agree that much with the ENT doc's use of the medication. Said that the medication was once thought to be extremely safe in the beginning when it was launched but has since proven to bring various side effects, including bone loss. He didn't elaborate but shared that he didn't like the idea of people taking it for weeks or months. I told him my mum was on it for a couple of years...(maybe that's why her bones are brittle and she needs to be on calcium pills to build up her bones).

So gastro doc doesn't fully agree with me taking the omeprazole medication. To take or not to take? He said if it brings me relief, then i take lor....he sounded so forced...oh well...guess I'll still take it but at a lower dosage of what the ENT doc prescribed.

Gastro doc also told us that most gastro doctors have a certain disdain for ENT doctors. Lol....Whatever internal feud you guys have, please keep me out of it ya. I just want to find out what exactly is happening to me and what condition I have and what can be done about it.

Fingers crossed that the scope next week will bring some answers.

Gastro Specialist Visit

Went to the gastroenterology specialist clinic yesterday afternoon. Doc told me he was quite sure I'm having "functional dyspepsia". In layman terms, it's something like Irritable Bowel Syndrome, but without the bowel symptoms. I googled the term and it said it was chronic indigestion.

The doctor didn't think it was entirely necessary but said I could go for an endoscopy (aka stomach scope) for a peace of mind. I chose to do it and the scope has been scheduled for next Thursday for a more thorough look at the oesophagus and the stomach and also to determine if there's the Helicobacter Pylori bacteria in there.

Will be going for an ultrasound in early April to check my pancreas as well since he said some of my symptoms may have something to do with the pancreas.

My BP was quite low when I first got to the clinic so he ordered a blood test for me to check on my cortisol levels...not sure what it exactly entails but he'll explain further I guess when I next see him.
BP was 101/35 when I reached the clinic around 250pm. Good thing was that 15-20mins later it was a perfectly good reading at 112/71.

Part of me hopes they don't find anything in the scope. Part of me hopes they find something, because at least it can provide an answer to a portion of what is happening to me. I've been going around in circles because no one, for now, can firmly say what I am suffering from.

I'll be having a doc visit every week from now till April...Abit shiong on the pockets but no choice I guess. Trying to keep my spirits up. At least I'm taking steps to find out what's wrong...rather than just trying to tahan. My tummy issues have been present since a year back, just that these 3 weeks they have been even worse. I think I tahan long enough already?...

Eat grass

Ok, tighten purse strings. Gonna spend $642 on data recovery.....
Fingers crossed that they can do something about it....

Thank you baby for running around helping me to solve this issue...muacks muacks

Training Time

Alyssa did well last night I think. She was again quite resolute and determined not to wear diapers when she went to bed. I didn't get that much determination from Nadya last time. :) 

So Alyssa managed to wake at 11-plus or 12am last night to pee. She was then dry through out.....

But there was still an accident at 6-plus this morning. K had left their room by then and I think she was too zonked out to wake up to pee...

Nadya was the one who told me Alyssa had peed on the bed...I asked her how she knew and she said she touched the towel and it was wet. Lol..Bless this big girl. She's being more and more proactive these days to help look after Alyssa...

dunno whether to laugh or cry

I'm a dinosaur maybe. I'm not too tech savvy. (an irony considering the place I'm working at)
And I'm lazy. The phone was not backed up for a long time...many months....

Which brings me to a problem now. Getting an authorised vendor to do data recovery from the fried phone will set me back by $642. !@$#$%@@$%$^%

K is exploring other vendors and I hope they can do something just as well but for a better price...

My photos and videos of the girls....of the Osaka trip...of their outings....
My notes...my personal notes detailing stuff I wanted to tell my doctors during my upcoming consultations with them, my weekend meal plans for the family, my Korean vocabulary list, my medical checkups list....

Sigh....

To Ti Gong

够了hor, 前四个星期平均每一个星期都有一两件事情发生...
Tolong lah...go easy ok.....please please please? :)

17/18 Jan - tummy issues
22 Jan - eye laser + vasovagal attack + AnE
24 Jan - eye clinic visit
30 Jan - throat issue + AnE + ENT + Nasal Scope + Acid Reflux
31 Jan - giddiness and nausea in office + blood test for thyroid
1 Feb - giddiness and nausea in office
4 Feb - fainting spell in office
6 Feb - fainting spell in restaurant
7 Feb - poly visit for thyroid test review
11 Feb - saw GP again for tummy issues
13 Feb - phone conked off!!!

Fried Phone

Laoniang's phone conked off last night. While I was viewing a PDF file sent by Nadya's form teacher.

K and I tried everything. Till this morning we were still trying.

We finally brought it to the service centre during lunch today. The lady did a connectivity test of some sort....and we were told that the motherboard was fried.

????!!!!!

Nabeh.

The phone's only 1yr 2mths old. I am barely over half the mark for my M1 mobile contract. And I am just past the deadline for the phone guarantee. FML.

Recontracting now will cost me an extra $350 early re-contract fee. >:(

I'm worried about the data in the phone...K is trying to get someone to recover the data. And we're wondering how to move forward....I'm using my old Iphone 6 but that's abit wonky too...the battery drains pretty fast....

Today's the what? CNY Chu10....sigh.....

Weight

And so...laoniang is now at 48.8kg.

Down again from the 49.7 that I was consistently at over the last couple of days...and down from the 51.5kg that I was at maybe 3-4 weeks ago....

That's more or less the weight that I was at pre-Alyssa...I shed in 2-3 weeks what I couldn't shed over 3 years....hmm...

Reflux

Acid reflux acted up quite strongly last night.

Not sure if it was the food I ate last night though I think unlikely. I had tang oh vegetable with fishballs, some soya sauce chicken with tau kwa, a braised egg and some other veg. Light enough and not spicy or sour or oily. Plus watermelons.

K said it could be the amount I ate. Mum said it could be because I didn't chew the food into emall enough pieces.

Whatever the reason, throat started feeling constricted last night again. Top of the stomach was quite uncomfortable and when I woke this morning, I had some loose stools. After 12hours, my throat still feels a little constricted and when I had breakfast earlier on, some slight chest pains when the food went down...

Bah...acid ah acid...don't disturb me can?
Very xinku leh...can't eat so many things...

Another milestone

Alyssa drew an owl last night...She got the shape absolutely correct.

She even drew a pair of eyes that were quite accurate. One big circle with a smaller circle inside for the pupil....

She even drew a triangular beak...She also tried to draw feet and talons!

And she can write capital A, O, V, E and L quite well now...

So proud of her lah!

What to do...we're her biggest fans! (I'm her biggest fan!)

Milestone

...of sorts...

Alyssa self-declared that she wanted to go diaper-free for last night's sleep. I checked with her a few times and she was resolute in her decision. Steady lah. Let's go for it!

Before sleeping, I reminded her that if she needed to pee, she had to wake and let us know.

11pm..Nadya woke to pee and fussed a little. The noise stirred Alyssa up a little so I took the oportunity to ask her if she wanted/needed to pee. She said no and went back to sleep.

12am. I somehow woke and felt a little uneasy haha. I went over to check on her and voila...her underpants and bedsheet were all wet. She was still sleeping like a log. Lol, even when I was wiping her down and using towels to soak up her pee and throwing towels on her bed...I put on a pair of diapers for her and she continued sleeping peacefully....

Still, it was a valiant effort on her part! Let's see what she says tonight. :)

Now even the littlest one is growing up slowly but surely...where did all the time go?  Slow down girls.....;(

Nausea, lightheadedness/giddiness.

Fainting spell in office on 4 Feb around 12-plus. K had to come pick me.

CNY Days 1 and 2 - I was just trying to keep it together when we went from house to house. Felt tired, light-headed and sometimes breathless. Nausea was on and off. Luckily there were only 3 houses in the day and 1 in the evening on Day 1. Skipped mum's house on Day 2 morning and only popped by my inlaws' place. Had a fainting spell on Day 2 evening when we went out for dinner. Walked from the carpark to the restaurant and I felt faint and was panting. Low sugar? Sigh..I dunno.

Days 3 and 4 were spent at home. Was on MC and on leave.

Weekend was uneventful though I wasn't feeling well still. Nausea and light-headedness came in dribs and drabs.

Monday - CNY Day 7 - aka everyone's birthday.... I was a little tired but otherwise ok in the morning. But by the time I reached office, I felt a little off. Thought it was because I didn't have anything to eat yet so I had some breakfast. The feeling didn't go away and the nausea came back. I felt like retching and slowly shuffled to the toilet. Don't think anyone would be happy if I really ended up throwing up in the office itself. Retched a couple of times in the toilet but nothing came out. Lightheadedness was still there and heart was beating faster due to the retching. Decided to go see a doc. (again).

I hope whatever is causing this goes away soon.

Animals

We talked about more animals in the last few days:

1. Rabbits (specifically giant Flemish rabbits and dwarf rabbits)
2. Vultures
3. Bears (brown, black, grizzly, sun)
4. Chicks
5. Anteaters
6. Boa Constrictors (Nadya requested for this)
7. Hippos
8. Guinea pigs
9. Pigs
10. Squirrels
11. Budgerigars
12. Monkeys (specifically macaques and gorillas)

Nadya, being older, seems to understand more of all the snippets of information about each animal that I try to share with them. Alyssa is content with looking at pictures of the animals and sometimes trying to share her 2 cents' worth. :) 

It's a whole lot of information sometimes but I hope they do learn and remember some of it...

Well, I know they do remember that flamingo babies are not born pink. :) 

Acid Acid Go Away....

The acid reflux choot alot of power today.
Even after medication, I still couldn't eat much for breakfast and that "lump in the throat" feeling (aka globus sensation) is quite strong. Constantly feeling like there's something stuck in the throat.

Only managed 1/3 or half an egg sandwich and then I felt maxed out. Tummy felt so stuffed and throat felt like it couldn't take in anything more.

Was it due to me waking up 4-5 times last night cos of the girls?

Fighting!

Weight this morning: 49.5kg....

Weight

Weighed myself this morning. I was sub-50kg. 49.8kg to be exact.

Not eating well and not eating much for 2-3 days made me lose 1-1.3kg.

Part of me is happy that I lost weight. Part of me is not so happy that I lost weight cos of health issues...But oh well, hope I can fit better into some of my old dresses now.....

Hwaiting

There are good days
There are bad days
Some days I do better
Some days I do worse
Then I wonder if I am losing my shit

The trembling
The nervousness
The unease or panic or terror that sometimes comes

The tightness in chest
The deep breathing needed
The urge to cry

The self-talk
The pep talks
The meditation music

The need to be stronger
The expectation to be stronger
The want to be stronger

Avoiding
Hiding
Cowering

The acid reflux
The stomach issues
The eyes
The heart
The brain
The mind

The worry of being a burden
The worry of bringing down others
The worry of ....

Don't dwell
Don't be afraid
Don't worry
Be happy
Be open
Be optimistic

Try
I'm trying
Try again
I'm trying
Try harder
I'm trying

Alone
But not alone
Alienated
But not alienated

Weak smiles
Forced laughter
Nervous laughter

Face your fears
Perservere
Hang in there
Fight on
Exercise

Waiting
Hwaiting
This too shall pass?

Losing weight
Losing appetite
Can't eat well

Hwaiting
Waiting
All these too shall pass?

The night is darkest before dawn comes?
May the sun shine
May the rainbow appear
May the birds chirp

Hwaiting

Alyssa's Milestone!

I had an unexpected proud mummy moment last night...

K and I were standing in our main doorway talking to our neighbours. Nadya and Alyssa were playing in the living room. The helper was in the washroom.

Suddenly Alyssa came over to me with her undies and pants in her hand, i.e. she was naked from waist down.

A: "Mama, I pee pee."

I thought she peed her pants and removed them herself but when I touched them they were dry.
Me: "Do you need to pee now? Let's go."

A: "Noooo, I pee pee already!"

Me: "Har really??!!"

She looked at me proudly and said:

A: "Yah!!"

I went to check my bathroom...True enough...
She did pee in the toilet bowl! All by herself! At age 3yrs and 4mths! Milestone!! Yay yay yay!

Somehow she put the baby toilet seat onto the toilet bowl, climbed up to sit and relieved herself, came back down, tore some toilet paper to wipe herself and then happily went outside to inform me about it. She also did everything in semi-darkness as she's too short to reach the light switch for the toilet.

Nadya was only wiling to do go to the toilet by herself when she was 4. That said, she's still only willing to do so during the day....If it's in the middle of the night, someone still needs to accompany her...

Ok....so now...all that's left is.....to train Alyssa up for going diaperless in the night...........
Major challenge...ganbatte to all of us!

health woes

Had trouble swallowing yesterday morning. Throat felt like it had a lump in it. Felt like this since Tuesday night.

Went to work on Wed morning, took a bite of my breakfast, and felt that sensation again. Food also took longer to go down the food pipe and I had to keep drinking water to make it go down. I felt a little gagging and also some nausea. Ended up going to a GP, who referred me to CGH's AnE (yes, AnE again). AnE doc said it didn't seem like anything was wrong or in urgent need to fix and so she referred me to the ENT doc.

ENT doc stuck a scope through my nose down to the throat and finally said....I had acid reflux. Said the acid was causing my throat to be irritated and due to the irritation, it feels like there's a lump in my throat. The esophagus was also irritated, which was why I could feel the food going down slowly as well. Like as if the food was getting stuck.

Was prescribed 3 months worth of Omeprazole to control the acid production. I've not decided whether to take the full 3 months...but I'll take it for at least 1-2 weeks...to quell the stomach hopefully.

After not eating much for the entire day on Wednesday, I weighed myself this morning and realised I lost a whole kg. Eating much better today...maybe the medicine is working to reduce the acid...
There is still some nausea and bloating (which I read online are also symptoms of acid reflux) here and there...which I hope can clear up in the next few days..

Doc said...to skip spicy stuff, caffeinated foods/drinks, citrus stuff, and oily stuff....Read online that chocolates, garlic and onions cause acid reflux issues to be worse also...sigh...

Need to eat clean clean clean...................................

BBC? Discovery Channel? Animal Planet?

In the recent 3 or 4 days, the girls and I have taken to talking about a few animals each night before they go to sleep.

In a bid to distract them from always asking me to show them cartoon videos before bed, and in a bid to minimise the crying and or fussing when I reject them, I tried this out and it surprisingly worked! I hope this becomes the new norm. Sure beats dealing with fussy and crying girls before bedtime haha.

I'd show them pictures of the animals we were talking about that night, and then share with them whatever information I knew of those animals. Depending on their level of interest, I sometimes dwell longer on some animals than others. The girls would also ask questions. Some are good questions actually. Good sensible questions that I didn't expect them to ask. For example, Alyssa asked me how to zebras drink water and whether they had to spread their front legs wider to reach the water like how giraffes did.

I kind of feel a little like a BBC channel or a Discovery channel or Animal Planet on legs haha. I hope they learn from these sessions

So far....we've covered the following animals:

1. polar bears
2. lions
3. tigers
4. cheetahs
5. leopards
6. wolves
7. foxes
8. flamingoes
9. baby owls (Alyssa specifically requested for baby owls and not the adult ones haha)
10. seals
11. walruses
12. giraffes
13. pandas
14. red pandas
15. swans
16. shetland ponies

Let's see....what animals should we do tonight...gorillas? eagles? hyenas? 

Eyes...windows to our soul?

2 weeks since my last post.

It's 28 Jan today. It's my first day back at work after last week's fiasco? happening? incident?.....

And so, on 22 Jan, I went for my eye checkup with the retina specialist. We reached at 8-plus and only saw the doc at 10am. Was told that the right eye's retina had some small holes that needed to be mended through a laser procedure. The procedure was to be done that day itself and would take less than 10minutes.

K and I waited till 12pm and then it was my turn for the procedure. As with all procedures and surgeries I've been through, including 2 c-sections, the doctor would explain what would happen next and run me through the whole thing. There would be preparations and pre-empts for the patient.

When I went into the room, I was told to sit down and a nurse put numbing eyedrops for me. I was told to put my head on a machine and look to my right. Then to my surprise (and horror), the procedure immediately started. No pre-empt, no explanation nothing. While fast, the whole process was uncomfortable and I felt pain from the laser shots.

What followed next was very unnerving. One of the scariest moments of my life actually. I wasn't even that scared when I went for my brain surgery or my c-sections...

I opened my eyes but couldn't see out of my right eye. I could only see the colour red. A solid wall of red. I was brought back to a seat in the waiting area and I sat down next to K.

I remember feeling very unwell. I remember telling K that I had no time to prepare myself and the procedure took place suddenly. I remember telling K that I was feeling very unwell. I was starting to pant and could feel myself becoming faint. When I opened my left eye I could only see grey/green vision. I think I told K I was going to puke and faint. I could vaguely hear him telling me that it was ok, that I should be thinking too much, that I should try to relax....I could feel the blood drain from my face. By then he'd called a nurse since I said I was going to throw up.

I vaguely know nurses were around me. I could hear one of them saying that I was very pale and that I should be made to lie down cos my BP was very low. (I found out later that my BP was only 75/37.) I remember breaking out in sweat even though I was in a cardigan. I remember a nurse pricking my fingertip, my left index finger to be exact, to check for my sugar level. I heard someone call out 7.4 (the sugar level reading).

I was subsequently looked at by a medical officer and had my ECG taken twice at the eye clinic. The ECG tests were normal. It was around an hour after I lay down that I was feeling better and they decided to wheel me to the AnE.

The AnE triage nurse took my BO twice and it was still low, around 88/43. Was monitored and shifted from the main area to the observation area. I had another ECG done and it was good too. Was pricked again to check my sugar level and by then it was 5.2, which is still a normal reading...

They gave me IV fluids to bring my BP back up. When I'd rested enough, K was also allowed to come in to see me. He bought some food for me. It was 3pm by then. I managed to eat the food he bought and my B subsequently went back to a normal reading of 113/72.

AnE discharged me at 4pm. The AnE doc in charge of me, a certain Dr Edwin Tan I think, explained that it was a vasovagal attack. A bodily reaction by the nervous system where the body reacts to a "shock" or pain by dropping the blood pressure and heart rate. Hence the fainting...Some other AnE doc told me that "eye procedures are notorious for such bodily reactions". Not sure about this comment though cos the eye clinic nurses told me this was the first time they'd seen someone have this kind of reaction to a laser procedure.

K just feels that my anxiety brought about this reaction. To be honest, this recent incident has brought my anxiety back. Trying to keep a control on myself and my thoughts/emotions.

It's been almost a week after the procedure, the eye is still having a slight redness, and slight aches from time to time. There is also still some swelling in the upper eyelid area. I'm without eye make-up today and a colleague said I look sleepier and a little woozy haha. So I guess eyeliners really do brighten up one's eyes quite abit. CNY is in a weeks' time. Not sure if I am able to use eye makeup by then....if not then...I'll just look less nice for this year.....

Sigh. The last 2-3 months have not been very good for me. I hope the Year of the Golden Pig will bring me better things.....Fighting!

Conversations

The other night they were arguing before bed...I forgot what they were arguing about but it somehow became....

A: I will tell Mama!
N: I will tell Dada!
A: Then I well tell Yeye!
N: You tell lor! I will tell Nai Nai!
A: I will tell Teacher Kelly! (N's form teacher)
N: I will tell Teacher Charlene! (A's form teacher)

And they went on and on and practically exhausted all persons that they knew....

============
Playing and arguing at the same time on another night....

N: EHHHH!!!! Why did you take my utensil!!

I was surprised she used the word "utensil"...didn't know she knew that word also haha. I turned to see them arguing over a pencil.

Me: Nadya, what did you say again? Pencil or utensil?
N: Utensil....
Me: Utensil and pencil are 2 different things......
N: Oh...opps...

No...dun wanna go....but I can't

Not looking forward to it.
I think the team wants to go Batam for a 1-day trip.

First off, it takes 7am till 9pm. I can't send the kids to school and if K can't put the girls to sleep then I still need to put them to sleep when I get back home. Friggin tiring.

2. It's a seafood lunch. I'm allergic to some seafood stuff now...

3. I don't quite enjoy going to such factory outlets and/or souvenir shops. There's usually nothing to see or buy...

4. There's a 60-min massage session...Call me strange but I feel anxious when I go for such stuff, especially when it's a new place or person or environment. I usually don't feel comfortable if and when I go for massages....which is why I don't go for them at all. The last massage I ever had was in 2012 during my honeymoon.

5. There's a visit to a coffee luwak plant/factory with coffee tasting and all. I don't take coffee....

6. I don't think my energy levels are up to it....for a day to night trip.


I should be happy that I'm going on a sponsored day-trip right?.....
But I'm not feeling it.

Conversations

Alyssa's recent catchphrase - "Oh My Goodness!"

==========
I was showering Nadya that day at my parents place. We had gone back there for our usual Saturday dinner with them. Nadya snooked me with a question in the bathroom. I wasn't prepared for it....

N: Mama, how do babies get into their mummies' tummies?
Me: Err....errr....

I was thinking whether or not to go into the whole birds-and-bees spiel, and was also deciding what are the words to use to make the whole explanation age-appropriate for her.....
I probably took too long because she interrupted me.

N: Oh, you don't know ah? Nevermind, just ask Google lor!

I had a silly grin plastered on my face and she asked me....

N: Why are you smiling like that?

Me: Nah, nothing. You look so cute with your hair wet.


Ok...;p
I wiggled my way out of this one...But the time will come when she asks something like that again.
Guess I need to slowly try to figure out how to explain such stuff to her...:)

.....first post of 2019.....

And so I took a break from work from 21 Dec till 2 Jan. I had hoped for it to be a relaxing time.

In reality, it was part relaxing but also busy in a way as well. The festivities took up quite a bit of time, with gatherings to attend, family and friends to catch up with. The new year also brought about some administrative stuff to settle, especially with the girls' school stuff. 

It is taking while for my engine at work to rev up...

May the week ahead be more fruitful compared to today. :)