Let Go, Let's Go

I recently attended a training on Becoming the CEO of Your Work and Life.

One of the running themes in the course was "letting go".

Let go of your emotional baggage.
Let go of things past.
Let go of unhappy incidents.
Let go of toxic relationships.
Let go of bad emotions.

And the list goes on.

For they cannot be undone.
And keeping them in your heart or mind will just gnaw away at you little by little.

Let go and the journey forward will be lighter and brighter.

I do have some things that I need to let go of.
I should learn to let go and when I learn how to do that better....I can then shout Let's Go!

Music

Meditation music accompanied me at work today. I have a particular 6-hour long Mv that I listen to from Youtube and it's by YellowBrickCinema.

Also making it on the list today are Tanya Chua, Wang Lee Hom, Beyond, Wang Feng and popular OSTs like Xia Hu's 那些年 and Hebe Tien's 小幸运....

Giving Kpop a rest today and going back to my Chinese stuff...afterall, I spent a good 15 years "chasing" Chinese pop...:)

Chronology

24 July 2011. 
K and I were having dinner at The Cliff in Sentosa. He popped the question. It was partly a surprise and partly not. Call it a woman's 6th sense. You just know when the atmosphere's a little different from usual. I said yes.

8 October 2011. 
Our ROM at True Blue Cuisine! I think we pulled it off nicely in just 2 months. From signing up a wedding studio and package, to finding a venue for our ROM, to engaging the Justice of Peace and attending a Love Language and counselling session with him, to doing our ROM dress fitting and bouquet....I was very happy that Granny was present at the ROM and that she was able to indulge in her favourite Peranakan dishes.

22 July 2012. 
Our Chinese wedding! Weeks and months of  preps. Budgeting, photoshoots, trial make-up sessions, dress fitting sessions, entourage planning, schedule planning, table and invitation planning, etc...K with his band of brothers...me with my band of sisters (and my good male buddy being a sister wannabe haha)...our families and friends and colleagues. Dinner was at the Four Seasons!


How time flies. It's been 7 years after our ROM and 6 years after our Chinese wedding. And in that span of time we went from a unit of 2 to a family of 4. It's also been 9.5 years since we first got together.

Thank you sayang, for being there with me and for me over the years. Of course it's not been entirely smooth-sailing and there are the usual ups and downs....but I'm just glad that it's you I'm journeying with. Like what we told each other a long time ago....我们手牵手一起走....:) To many more years ahead!

That feeling

That you want to do more.
That you can do more.
That you should do more.

To contribute and help others.
To give back to society.
To grow and develop yourself.

Dream

I had an awesome dream last night. Well, sort of. It was equal parts exciting and sinister.
It ended prematurely though...to my dismay. All because Alyssa woke me up. Bah.

I dreamt that for some reason or another, Baekhyun (of EXO) started woo-ing me. Oh imagine the euphoria I had in the dream! Mega Kpop star woo-ing the insignificant me leh! I was over the moon!

For the sinister portion....because Baekhyun and I ended up being together, one of his crazed fans went apeshit on me and started stalking me and trying to harm me.

She was chasing me in slow-mo through an abandoned carpark which strangely still had cars parked in some lots, though they were all old, broken or rusted.

Therein lies the commonality of alot of my dreams...I'm always on the run or trying to escape a place. "That place" is usually a school though from time to time it changes to something else. In this case, it was an abandoned carpark. And invariably, all these places that appear in my dreams where I'm running away or trying to escape, would have complicated architectural structures. Lots of staircases, lift landings, lifts, mezzanines, pillars, blind corners, etc. Maybe my sub-consciousness is trying to be a horror movie producer.

Sinister stuff aside...Baekhyun! One of the cuties from EXO. Erm...he is rather young though. I'd be deemed a cradle snatcher if I were really with him lol. He's a good 12 years younger than me and has a great voice. Wonder how he ended up in my dream though. I've not been listening to their songs recently and he's not my main bias too.

We were on a sweet outing to someplace nice and romantic...I'm not sure how we communicated though. He was speaking to me in Korean but somehow I understood and could converse with him as well...We were going off to another place...

And then "Mama!! Mama!!"

Alyssa just had to.

Oh well.

Bah. Who will it be tonight? D.O.? Chanyeol? Lay? RM?

p/s: To my darling K, I still love you much ok...:)

Of Starts and Stops

My walking journey (which I hope to lead up to a jogging routine) hasn't been very smooth at all since the start of the year....

There would be a few sessions where I would do ok and I could have the time and chance to go for walks. And then I'd either fall ill or one of the girls would fall ill and my routine would get haywire.

So it's been a start, stop, start, stop jerky effort since the start of the year. And once you stop, your stamina (or whatever meagre amount left of it) goes back to zilch again and you need effort to get your engine and motivation going again...

Hope it all works out well in the end....
Fingers crossed.

Need. To. Get. It. Going.

DEFTT

Desperate, Exasperated, Frustrated, Tired and....Tired....

Felt like crying last night but I had no tears...

Alyssa woke every hour from 1130pm till 530am. Each time she woke, she had to be placated by me carrying her. By the time I settled her down to sleep again, or gave her her medication, it would be anywhere between 10-30mins gone. And around 45mins to an hour later she'd wake again.

It's been like this since Saturday. Her best stretch was maybe a 2-hour stretch on one of the nights.

That's worse then a newborn's schedule.

Back to work today after 2 days of medical leave. Zombiefied.
Discovered I was running a slight temperature while on the way to work.
Popped panadol and am trying to get some things done. May head home thereafter to work from home. See how it goes.....

In the meantime, Alyssa...please get well soon and quickly...
Nadya, please get well soon too....

Michelle, jiayou....

rough week so far

Nadya vomitted once last Friday night but had no fever. PD said she had stomach flu. She then started having fever on Monday night and peaked at 39C on Tuesday evening.

Alyssa started having fever on Sat afternoon and vomitted twice in the evening. Her fever went quite high and peaked at 39.3C. It only broke the 38C mark on Tuesday afternoon. She is extremely cranky but I’m glad the fever is on a downtrend. 

As for myself, I vomitted 4-5 times on Monday night. LS-ed 3-4 times as well. The retching and expelling left me giddy, breathless, queasy and weak. I crashed for an hour from 10-11pm and felt much better thereafter though still queasy. Managed to still look after both girls that night. On 2 days’ MC for Tues and Wed.

Every night since Sat night has been rough. That makes it 4 nights already. Both girls take turns waking up, either due to tummy aches or wanting to drink milk (because they didn’t eat anything during the day), or wanting to pee or be carried, or because of a heavily stuffed nose, or due to a dream, or.....just because. On average, I wake every hour each night. Feeling quite tired zapped out by now. Though I’m thankful I managed to nap for 3.5hrs yesterday afternoon. (We’d left both girls with the inlaws.) 

Also...the car is at the workshop and seems like a lot needs to be done.

K’s aunt was warded yesterday due to a mild stroke. 

And my office laptop refused to boot up since last night so I can’t clear some of the work that I’d been intending to. 

Breathe in, breathe out. 

Sigh...

Of Fights and Squabbles and Tears and Tantrums and....Sisters

The 2 girls have been gong at each other for the past 2-3 nights before bedtime. I'd finish reading a book and leave the room to make their bedtime milk. It'll be approximately 2-3minutes later when I'd hear a cry or a shriek or a shout. 

Usually Nadya would come sobbing out of the room and telling/complaining to me about what Alyssa had done. And, usually it'll be that Alyssa took a swipe at her head or pinched her arm or scratched her somewhere. Sometimes the scratches really do draw blood. 

Sometimes though, after probing, being the honest girl that she is, Nadya would admit that she was the one who started the fracas. Alyssa, whether guilty or not, whether she's the one who started it or not, would always be quietly sitting or standing in the room, sulking and glaring at Nadya, while Nadya tells me the story of what happened. 

I'd make the girls sit down and apologise to each other for taking swipes at one other. And then I'd have to talk to the one who started the whole thing. And then if there was someone who didn't want to apologise, I'd have to spend more time and effort to wait it out or explain more, depending on the situation. (Last night, Alyssa refused to apologise and fussed/cried/sulked for more than 15mins before finally saying sorry to Nadya quite loudly.)

And then finally I'd go on a spiel about how they are sisters, how they should take care of and love each other, etc. They then hug each other, giggle and make up.

Only to have to repeat the whole thing again the following night. And sometimes Alyssa hits Nadya less than 10mins after they hug and make up. 

SIGH.

Let's see what happens tonight. 

Wannabe

Wannabe "artist".

I don't have much artistic talent. I don't have nice penmanship. And I don't have much artistic flair.
I am not that creative either. I doodle the same stuff over and over again.

But...I still like doodling abit here and there. And recently started watching some beginner videos on how to sketch.

Some initial sketches for posterity.
And it's my first time drawing a hand. It's looks like a hairy, wrinkly, old  and slightly misshapen hand though haha.

Reminds me of a young kid learning how to draw and shade. Like when I was in Sec 1 and my art teacher Mr Ling tried to get us to appreciate art....to no avail. Sir, I am more interested in it now than 25 years ago...not too late right?

Clarification

Whether at home or in the office. Part of basic communication is to clarify.

Someone told me this early in my working life "Ask and it will be given, Seek and you will find". I believe it is from the Bible. She shared with me this as she was encouraging me to do 2 things: (1) clarify when in doubt and (2) take charge of your own life and work, don't wait for others to spoon-feed you.

When things aren't clear, ask and seek clarification. It is the same at home or in the office or in a social setting.

But it does get demoralising when the other party you are seeking clarification from responds like as if you're an idiot or a slow person, or takes you for granted and barks a response at you, or loses patience with you just because he or she thought it was common sense.

When the initial communication inflow wasn't clear to begin with or was lacking, I should ask and seek clarity right?

Anyway. Whatever.

Hmm...

I was doing some research on the holding company of one of the partners I work with. And unwittingly stumbled across a photo of an ex-secondary school classmate.

Back then, she was a cheery, happy-go-lucky girl...ditzy at times, quick with her laughs and had a cheerful smile.

And.

She's the holding company's Group Financial Controller now. Wow.
Looking after the group's consolidated finances. That's operations and offices spanning across several countries both in and out of the APAC region. Wow.

When I encounter such instances, I sometimes wonder to myself....What have I done? What have I achieved? What am I doing? What will I be doing?

Sigh...

Then again, 人比人， 气死人....
同人不同命...?

Happy!

I had an appointment with a bank rep and then walked around abit after bao-ing my lunch.

I'm happy! I bought some stuff...My spoils are...

1. A small A5-sized sketchbook
2. 2B graphite pencils
3. An eraser
4. A sharpener
5. A black ink broad-tipped pen
6. 2 small storybooks
7. A doodlebook

Besides my terrarium stuff, my interest in sketching and doodling has recently been woken again. 

Learning how to sketch from whatever sources I can find both online and offline. The sketchbook, pencils and doodlebook will likely stay in the office for awhile as I don't think I can find time to indulge in any sketching while at home. At least in the office, I can spend some of my lunch time to do it. :) 

The storybooks will be with me in my bag. :)

Onward to more learning and sketching and terrarium-ing!

Reminder

I am still learning myself.

But I want my kids to grow up having empathy, honesty, sincerity, filial piety, respect for others, confidence and strength.

Changes

I hate to say this but I just realised that the Saturday evening just past was a milestone of sorts. For all of us. But especially for Adrian and Marc.

It was the start of many Saturday evenings going forward that Mei won't be with us at my parents' place.

Strangely, on that evening, I didn't realise she was not around, till I saw Marc sitting alone in the living room. And the girls didn't even ask about her or where she was.

In my eagerness as an auntie to "accompany" him, I may have unknowingly put some pressure or awkwardness on him though, as I tried to engage him in some conversation. Maybe he's not fully comfortable with me...maybe I should just take a step back...Back off a little and let things flow more naturally.

Afterall, this is a new situation everyone is still getting used to.

Let's try again this coming Saturday...

Genes

My brother and I are both sentimental people. But of course, he is the less emotional one with the steadier head and mind.

I wonder where we got our sentimental side from? Mum or Dad?

Dad is rather sentimental I think. I remember him toting his ukelele and strumming out songs. He had an entire big book filled page to page with handwritten chords and notes of various songs. We don't see this sentimental side of him often tough. He is the typical gruff and rough father, every sentence coming out from him would be with a grunt or grumble or complaint.

But he's the total opposite with the 2 little girls though lol...He'd gladly let them walk all over him and he'd go all high-pitched squealy-wealy with them hahaha.

I think Adrian and I both got our organisation skills from Mum. She's the planner, armed with lists of this and that and a to-do list of other to-do lists. She'd plan from Day-30 to Day +30 for an event maybe haha.

Have I digressed?

I can't quite recall now what I originally set out to write this post for. LOL...
Too early on a Wednesday morning.

I wonder what traits the girls inherited from K and I?

Note to self

Feeling quite zapped out over the past week.

Menses + Alyssa has been waking multiple times each night (She's having stuff nose and can't sleep well) + various engagements = An increasingly zombiefied shell

Ganbatte Michelle!

p/s: I should take that half day or full day leave soon.
p/p/s: I should take a half day leave soon to go cut my hair too...it's been 8 months since I last trimmed it. Hair's gone totally out of shape. :(

No more

And so it is final.

Adrian and Mae will split.

Things came to a sudden head. Discussions were swift and many took place in the last 1.5 months between themselves and between them and my parents. It didn't even take 2 months before everything was finalised.

It's all abit too sudden actually.

He came by the cafe near my place last night and we spoke for 1.5hrs. He gave me the lowdown on things, though it was unknown to him that I'd already known some of the details because Mum had updated me before he did.

I let him speak. I told him I was all ears. He said he may need to offload and download stuff to me in the future when and if the going gets tough and he needed an outlet to rant. I told him again that I'd be all ears for him.

I shared some of my concerns with him. He acknowledged them. I re-iterated Mum's concerns, which he already knew of, and he said he would assuage her worries.

He has lots of things to think through, plan and undertake in the next 6 months or more. The legalities, the Pasir Ris flat transactions, the Simei flat transactions and renovations, the Tampines flat, the moving in and moving out, the conflicts of interests at work,  the decision on when to move on from work, insurance, bank stuff, and a whole load of other administrative and paperwork that needs to be settled...

His workload is heavy enough and coupled with all these personal things to settle, his plate is overflowing. I hope he takes care of himself. It will be challenging for him mentally, physically and emotionally.

Jiayou brother...

Swept to the sidelines

Most people are generally nice.

But sometimes, along the way in the course of my work, I meet people who don't really give me attention or give me less attention, just because I am a senior manager and not an Assistant Director, or Deputy Director or Director...

Who says rank doesn't matter? :)
It does. Most definitely does...

Nvm...this 小绵羊 will just stay in her own corner and bide her time.

.......... .......... ..........
...... ...... ......
... ... ...
......

Terrarium!

I devoted at least an hour each night over the last 3 nights to start a terrarium.

After I put both girls to sleep, I'd then scurry back to my room, huddle over the table in my balcony and work on it.

Things have been slow-moving. Mainly because I wasn't in a rush and I was taking my time. But also because I'd not done one in a long time and I felt a little rusty. And also because I was working in a new space with new materials and tools. And also because it was my first time using moss.

(Sidetrack: I really love Qoo10. Simisai also can buy from there. I got my live Holland moss from a very good seller on Qoo10. The same seller I'd been buying all my terrarium and some other craft materials from. For future reference, vendor on Qoo10 is "Zantelle".)

Day 1 - Built the bottom drainage layers of pebbles, spagnum moss and acitvated charcoal. Also put in the soil layer.
Day 2 - Transplanted the red and white fittonias. 4 shoots in all. 3 small red ones and 1 bigger white one. Trimmed their roots before transplanting.
Day 3 - Added in the moss. Topped up the soil. Tried to level the soil on all sides. Cleaned up the mess inside. Picked all dirt and soil off the moss pieces.

I doused it with quite alot of water last night because I was cleaning the dust and dirt up. Am letting it air out today before I bring it to office. Am going to display it at my new office cubicle.

My new corner in the newly renovated office. I've got more privacy now that they are giving us partitions between cubicles. Woot!

How the terrarium looks like now. May add some rabbit figurines soon...

Tillandsias

Day 2 of shifting back to level 12. After 2 months of renovation, we finally can go back to our permanent cubicles.

Brought my 4 airplants to the office today.
I hope they thrive in the office...

Turntable

I did it again. I bought something. A turntable.
Nah. Not aspiring to be a DJ of sorts. I bought a cake decorator turntable.

Not to decorate cakes though. I'm hopeless with baking.

To make it easier to shape and trim my existing plants and/or my soon-to-be bonsai plants.
To act as a base or counter-top to do up my terrariums.

Being able to turn the pots or bottles around 360 degrees on a turntable makes things easier. It also elevates the items up to my eye-level so I don't need to hunch over the table.

Getting older. I need tools to help me be more comfortable in my pursuits.

Gardening

Every once in a while, I'd go a little ballistic, have a rejuvenated interest in my hobby and buy a ton of stuff online for my gardening and terrarium-making pursuits.

I ordered almost $50 worth of bottles and decorative items and tools as well...I think the package should arrive today. :)

In the past few weeks I also made some smaller purchases of potting soil, fertiliser and such. Those were for cleaning up the garden...

This weekend, I'm gonna drag the girls down to a flower/plant nursery. I've already listed down an entire checklist worth of plants and stuff that I want to get. If I do manage to get most of the things on the list, that should set me back by another $100-$150.

I've got my eye on a particular mini bonsai that can be ordered online...together with some other plants...If I really get them...then it'll be another $100 or so.

I have a list of to-dos, including rooting my money plant, exploring the use of banana peels and epsom salt for plants, exploring growing garlic, re-potting my ficus, re-potting the boston fern, etc....

Here's to hoping that I have time to do everything on that list!!

Of smells

The train ride this morning was fraught with....unpleasant smells.

The guy on my right was actually ok....till the moment he picked up a call and started speaking. Oh...the stale cigarette smell emanating from his mouth...the smell only smokers or very heavy smokers have. I was very glad when his conversation ended after around 2-3 stations.

The lady on my left seemed to have layered half a bottle of perfume on herself...

And at some point when many people got on board the cabin I was in, there was a sudden strong smell of unwashed bodies...or it could have been a single person.

On days like this, I wish I had my mask in my bag instead of in the office.

Saturday conversations

Last Saturday morning.
The girl's were awake. I was still trying to wake up fully and I overheard their conversation in the hallway.

N: I am going to wake Dada up!
A: Ya. I am going to wake Dada up also!
A: Oh! Do you want to tickle Dada's feet?
N: Ok!

And then I heard them scampering over to the master bedroom. K was actually already awake so when they tickled his feet, he gave them an obligatory shriek of terror! Hahaha...

They laughed in glee.
So cute to witness them plotting together...:)

=================
We were in a foodcourt having breakfast. K was buying food and the girls were with me.
Nadya complained that she felt cold and laid herself across my lap. She then commented.....

"Mama, the fatness of your thighs keep me warm."

Couldn't decide whether to laugh or cry...Early sat morning kena suan unwittingly by my own daughter lol.....

Conversations with Teenagers

My nephew's gonna be 15 in November. He's in Sec 3 this year.

Since he was young, I hardly had anything in common to talk to him about. I'd usually only ask him about school, which results in almost single-word answers and short responses, and then the conversation dies off naturally on its own. At least K could talk to him about comics, manga and some other boy stuff.

I finally found something I can talk to him on...
Last Saturday evening I noticed he was listening to BTS on Youtube!

Wahhaha...I have the same taste in Kpop as my 14 year-old nephew. :D

Renewed Interest

I've always liked bonsai but to do one from scratch takes years (upwards of 10years to get a desired size and shape) and a lot of skills.
I however, am lacking in patience and skills.
Should I get a pot for myself? A small one that is easier to manage?
Perhaps I should.

I was at the library yesterday and borrowed a book on mini and super-mini bonsais.
Oh the splendour and beauty of these little pots. Absolutely gorgeous.
Super mini bonsais can actually fit on a fingertip or can be held between finger tips.
While they are easier to create compared to bigger bonsais, they still require alot of skills and care.

Some ideas running through my head.
Will mull on them abit more and decide. Currently leaning towards getting a small bonsai of my own and at the same time growing a cutting or seedling to be made into a mini bonsai.

Hope

It has been 4 years and 8 months
Since I last slept through the night
Without multiple interruptions
But I still harbour some hope
However meagre
That I will
One day again
Sleep through the night soundly
Trudge on
Chin up

Quote

"In the middle of the road, 

In the moment you want to give up,

Shout out even louder:

So what?"

- BTS <>

what is going on??????

It’s 15 June 3:30am. Alyssa was not sleeping well the whole night. 

Felt her at 3am. She was warm. 38C. 

Nabeh. Here we go again. 

Gave her medicine, before patting her to sleep. Glad that at least she didn’t fuss. 

When one episode barely concluded, now we’re starting another one. I’m myself am down with a runny nose, sore throat and cough. 

A sick person taking care of a sick child and another child who just barely got well. Bah. 

Do I need to get a priest in to cleanse our house??? 

These past 2-3 months have been almost nothing but a blur of classes, school projects, helper issues, and various bouts of illnesses and fever episodes by the 2 girls. 

Chin up. Chin up. 明天会更好。

Nadya. KKH. What a week....

Actually. More like 1.5 weeks.

Sunday. 3 June. We brought the girls out to Tampines Hub in the morning. They had fun at the playground for awhile. By lunchtime, Nadya was running a fever. She complained of some neck ache on the left side of the neck, below the ear. It was slight, we thought it was an ache caused by the fever.

Monday night. 4 June. Brought her to the PD. He also felt the neck ache was probably due to aches and pain caused by fever. He did mention it could be a lymph node infection or ear infection but as there were little other symptoms, he suggested to treat the fever first. I was on child sick leave and/or working from home on Mon and Tues. She was crying and fussing every night due to neck pain. Sleep was intermittent and very restless. Woke numerous times each night due to pain and for medication.

Thursday. 7 June. She was not getting any better. Fever was still present and going up and down everyday. Her neck aches were increasingly uncomfortable. She'd be ok for a few hours and then fussy and irritable for another few hours...her pallour was getting worse. I was working. K brought her to the PD in the morning and was told that she seemed to have n ear infection. Prescribed antibiotics and sent home.

Friday night. 8 June. Culmination. She had had 4 doses of antibiotics by then but did not seem to be improving. Cried and fussed for the entire night. Sleep was elusive. Neck pain seemed to be getting increasingly intense. I was at a loss. By then, both she, I and K had not slept much for most of the week. I was on child sick leave that day again.

Saturday morning. 9 June. She was crying and fussing. Something is not right. Called the clinic and they advised us to go the KK. And so we did. I was relieved that we went. Very relieved. She fussed a little here and there while waiting. Docs at the A&E placed her on observation at the A&E holding ward. A&E doc assessed her. ENT doc came to see her. Senior doc came to see her another time. Did a nose/throat scope. I held her while she struggled and cried during the procedure.

Probable lymph node infection, possible infection behind the throat, in the neck area. Swollen lymph node in the left side of the neck. Redness at the back and behind the throat. Was told that the left ear was actually ok. Slightly red only but not to the extent of having an ear infection. Was informed that she would be put on antibiotics via IV for 48 hours and monitored.

Eventually got admitted around noon time. Children's Tower Ward 85, Bed 14.

She was a trooper. Was in the procedures room all by herself as they didn't allow me in there with her. Said they needed a sterile environment. Doc who inserted the IV plug said she didn't cry at all and was very brave. They did a good job of distracting her maybe. She was talking to them about her little sister and told them Alyssa's name and age.

When she got to the ward, she fussed a little and complained to me that "I don't want to come back here ever again!!!" "I don't like to be here!!!!"

Sunday. 10 June. Positive news. After a day of antibiotics via IV, she was looking much better. Only the occasional whine about slight neck ache. She was able to smile, laugh, run and jump. A 180-degree change from the previous day. Was so happy to see her responding well to the treatment. Which meant that the docs need not undertake further tests.

Monday. 11 June. I was on child sick leave on Monday again. While she didn't enjoy the stay and felt bored, I think she loved the continuous and easy access to the TV and to Cartoon Network. Doc McStuffins, Bare Bears, Vampirina, Hi-5 and Sesame Street were some of her favs. Neither she nor I were familiar with any of these series till her hospital stay. My FIL bought her potato chips and I think she thoroughly enjoyed nibbling on the chips. She didn't appreciate the 8 hourly IV antibiotics drip though....From time to time she would tell me she wanted to go home.

Tuesday. 12 June. I'm back to work. K was with her since last night. Did a final blood test at 11am. Doc concludes that she is well enough to be discharged. Taken off antibiotic drip and given 2 weeks' worth of oral antibiotics. 2 types of antibiotics. What a relief! By 2pm they were on the cab home....

Get well soon my baby girl....and stay healthy ok....
Dun give Mama and Dada such scares again....

wanna learn/start again/do...

What I wanna learn....or pick up again....or do....

• watercolour painting of wreaths and flowers
• guitar or keyboard 
• yoga

• gardening
• drawing/doodling

• shop 
• sleep 
• cut hair 
• spend the whole day (or two or three!) all alone in bed, or on the Net, and cooking up a simple meal 
• 
  

Venerable Pomnyun

I've recently heard that there is a Venerable Pomnyun. He is a South Korean monk who has unconventionally embraced a more modern approach to spreading Buddhist teachings. He even has a Youtube channel and also goes around the country speaking at public lectures.

Came across some things he said that made me think abit deeper.

"Humility is not about lowering oneself, but about treating everyone equally."

Going by his definition, I guess I'm not as humble as I thought I was.
Definitely food for much thought. And more self-reflection needed here.
I know for sure that I don't treat everyone equally, loathe as I am to say it though.

"Happiness means being being free of any agony or pain." 

When asked what happiness means, he gave this definition. So most people are actually happy. It is just that they don't recognise it and they don't realise it. Why don't they? To him, it's partly due to not understanding the definition of happiness, and also due to materialism and wanting more.

"Be frugal. Be humble. Attain peace of mind. "

Frugality - Keeping a simple life of no frivolous spending. Human greed is endless. It knows no boundaries and needs to be kept in check.
Humility - Be humble to others and treat everyone equally.
Being at peace - Never be too excited, anxious, nervous or worried.

Conversations with a 4.5yr old

I raised my voice at Nadya this morning.

I'd spoken to her normally for many times. I asked her to get changed and brush her teeth. For a good 5-6 times I think. Or more. With intervals of several minutes in between each reminder.

I eventually raised my voice. I eventually dressed her up myself. She insisted on waiting for K to get home though, before she would brush her teeth.

Later on, when she was finally ready to head out, I asked her why is it that each morning is a battle to get her ready for school? I told her that she was almost 5 and that she should be doing all these on her own already. She didn't respond but I knew she was listening.

I told her too that when I speak nicely to her, she doesn't listen and doesn't do what is requested of her. Even if I repeated myself many times. I asked her if she would only do things when I finally got angry and lost patience. To this she finally responded with........

"Even if you don't want me to give you a hard time, you don't need to behave that way."

Her exact words.

Coming from a 4.5year old.

I still have much to learn as a mother. Patience is one big thing.

Xian-half

I'm almost alone in the office. Only 3 out of 11 in the team are in the office. The other 2 are located on another floor so I'm all alone in my room right now.

Totally zero mood to work. Listening to EXO & BTS and trying to clear my emails....

No mood....Partly cos I have some things on my mind.

I hope Adrian and Mae sort things out. And I hope my parents are doing ok after all the heavy talks and discussions that have taken place over the last 2 days.

Nadya & Alyssa

The love I have for you baffles me

Sometimes my heart feels like it is not big enough to hold all the love I have for you

At other times I wonder if I love you enough

I find myself staring at you at times

A smile spreads through my face though I do not realise it till I catch myself

And my heart swells with pride, joy and love

Your eyes, your nose, your lips,

Your cheeks, chubby now though they may not be in the future

Your hair, your skin, your chin

The way your eyes sparkle when you are happy and excited

The way your lips pout when you get angry or upset

The way you pitter patter around the house

The way you run

The way you toddle

The way you dance

The way you hug

The way you stroke my arm, my hair, my cheek

The way you call me Mama

When you need me to kiss you when you fall

When you need me when you get upset

When you need me just so you can fall asleep

When you look for me to tell me things

When you seek me out just because

I worry if I am a good enough Mama for you

I am sorry for being lacking

I am sorry too for not being patient enough

I hope I can improve myself and be the mother you deserve

I worry about the decisions I make for you on your behalf

Am I doing the right thing?

Am I leading you down the right path?

Do I need to do more?

Or should I do less?

I feel I should hug, kiss and cuddle you a lot now

Because you are growing up way too fast

Where did all those time go?

In a jiffy you will be much bigger and who’s to say you will still want my hugs then

I pray that you will grow up well and be healthy, happy and strong always

I pray too that you will be confident, eloquent, intelligent, smart, filial and humble

I pray that you will have the resilience, determination, wit and resourcefulness to navigate through life

I pray that you will have the empathy, sincerity, love and authenticity to develop meaningful relationships

Nadya and Alyssa

Mama loves you…

K-popping

Listening to BTS and EXO...while working.

A mixture of upbeat tempos. Some digital music. Some sentimental songs.

I must be contributing in my small way to BTS' phenomenal statistics for their MVs. Lol...

"Fake Love" was released on 18 May 5pm SG time.
As of now 11am 25 May, the MV has crossed 90m views and only needs another 350K views to hit 100m views. Madness or what??

Kpop has slowly conquered the world through EXO, Bigbang, Shinee, etc....and of course BTS.

Working from Home

Working from home today.

The 2 little girls are over at the inlaws place.

Nadya's fever is on and off. She had no fever since noon yesterday but the fever suddenly came back with a vengeance and spiked to 38.6C at 1130pm. Needless to say, no school for her today.

Alyssa's fever has tapered off since yesterday noon as well. After not eating for close to 20 hours on Tuesday, I managed to get her to take some bread and butter at 630am yesterday morning. And she was eating well and drinking her milk too for the rest of the day. It's always a relief to see her eat. As a baby she was closer to the 75th percentile for her weight. But she's dropped to maybe 45-50th percentile ever since she was a year-plus. So whenever she goes on a food-strike, I worry like shit.

Anyway, I'm just mighty glad that Alyssa's fever has broken. I'm giving her today to rest abit more and hopefully she'll be dandy enough to go back to school tomorrow.

So the girls are at Jalan Sayang, K is at Dutch Colony to do his work, the helper is also at Jalan Sayang to help with the girls.

I'm alone at home. Clearing work and listening to my music.
Feels good and peaceful. Cheers to that.

Looking forward to some simple lunch later....maybe soba and kimchi and eggs?

Less junk, less gunk

I was on child sick leave today. Alyssa was running a fever. Still is actually. 

Somehow I managed to spend about 2.5hours in the morning doing something I’d wanted to do for a long time. I worked on the plants in the balcony. 

I threw away at least 3 pots of plants and cleaned many of the catchment plates. Also cleared up numerous dried and dead leaves from the potted plants area (don’t know what the helper has been doing all these while...sigh). Repotted the ficus bonsai, Indian borage and byrophyllum. I topped up the soil for the pomegranate and baby aloe vera plants, and fertilized the flowering plants. And finally, I pruned the pomegranate, money plants and bamboo plant. 

That’s quite a lot done in that span of time. There are still abit more things to be done but I will leave it to another day. I can live with the state the mini garden is in now. :) 

I was thankful that Alyssa didn’t fuss too much. She helped me pick up the dead leaves a little and for the rest of the time, she was content to be pottering around the house on her own, or sitting in a chair watching me work. 

Feel much better now that the area has been spruced up. :) 

Fingers abit itchy hehe. Maybe I should get some new plants. :)

Love is

When the older girl throws a big tantrum because you did not allow her to do something, and she is crying and fussing, and proclaims that she does not like you and does not want you, gives you an “X”, and says that she won’t buy make-up or presents for you in the future.....BUT still holds your hand and clings on to you seeking comfort for her outburst. 

When the younger girl is trying to get to sleep and grabs your arm/hand, sniffs it, rubs it all over her face, sniffs it again, wraps it around her belly, and then falls asleep immediately after. 

When your other half gossips with you about other couples, while you both are exhausted and irritable, in need of a bath, and standing outside a supermarket, with a cart laden with groceries and household items, with the kids playing nearby.

Adidas

Got myself of Adidas Cloudfoam Pure. It's not a new model I think and completely OOS in Singapore but I managed to get it on Amazon with K's help.

It arrived a few days ago and I have it on today!

Gorgeous and super lightweight! It's very comfy! Love it!

FY18 Workplan

Had my performance appraisal dialogue with my boss yesterday.

"Among the team leads, you're the one I worry least about." That sounded nice and was a small boost to the ego. How true and sincere it is, I don't know but it's still nice to hear it haha.

While the dialogue went ok and my boss generally had no negative feedback for me, I still feel lacking and that I can do more. Much more. He did mention that I could beef up my policy work skills but also acknowledged that policy work was something difficult and does not come easily or naturally to all. Not everyone could do it well and in fact, he struggles with it also.

Applying a policy mindset to work and projects is definitely not my thing and I struggle with it. But I will still try my best. It takes years to hone those skills. So well...one baby step at a time...jiayou! I was advised to "read widely"...Hmm...see how this one goes. Not a fan of economics, finance, public policy and other non-fiction materials.

Knowing his penchant for digressing into non-related topics during such sessions, I'm glad I took the time and effort last week to prepare myself for the dialogue. I knew what I wanted to get out of the session. And so each time he digressed, I listened perfunctorily, gave nods and smiles at appropriate moments and then guided him back to the points I wanted to raise or seek clarity on.

I did gain more clarity on what I should focus on in my own FY18 workplan. Some things were taken off my plate recently and I was a little lost on how to fill the gaps that were created as a result. Now that I have a slightly better understanding, it's time for me to take these few days or 1 week or so to plan my scope for the FY ahead.

Jiayou and hwaiting!

Lost my patience again

Just when I thought I was doing better.

The past few nights have been pretty ok and I managed to keep most of my cool when putting the girls to sleep. Even if they dilly-dallied alot and made numerous ridiculous requests.

I lost my patience this morning though. Maybe it's Friday, the end of the workweek and I'm bushed already.

I requested Nadya to get herself changed and to brush her teeth. I spoke nicely, I spoke warmly. I repeated myself. I repeated myself several times. I repeated myself somemore. I could feel my anger rising. I finally gave her a last warning that if she didn't get down from my bed to dress herself, I would personally bring her down to the floor.

It came to that. And she bawled loudly the moment I went to pick her up from the bed.

I explained myself later to her. I know she knows and understands. But she still does it. She tests my limits on weekday mornings. Why though?

Is there a better way to get through to her and seek her cooperation?

Innocent lives

Indonesia's Surabaya had 3 church bombings this morning.

I just read that the 1st was the father of a family who drove his car into the church's gates and detonated himself in the car. The 2nd incident was when the mother of the family and her 2 daughters (aged 8 and 12) walked into a church and blew themselves up. The 3rd case was when the sons of the family, aged 16 and 18, rode a bike into a 3rd church and blew themselves up.

I feel sad. Utterly sad.

Not only for the innocent lives lost.

But even more so for the lives of the 4 children. The 2 boys and 2 girls who grew up not knowing better. Who believed in what their parents told and taught them. And who killed themselves just because their parents told them to.

Heartbreaking.
Tearing in office while reading the news. :(

K stuff

Stanning both BTS and EXO. 

This Mama has fallen into the K-hole...

More specifically....the Kpop hole.

Ji pai xiao liao :D

Big. Small.

The vastness

The greatness

The possibilities

Small and ill-equipped

Raw still

Overwhelmed

I feel

Try

Try again

Chin up

Head up

Courage required

Patience needed

Guidance craved

Motivation wanted

Praying

For more patience. A whole lot more.

The kids refuse to have their meals but ask for sweets after that.
The kids refuse to sleep when it is time to.
The kids dilly-dally or refuse to change clothes on school-day mornings.
The kids fight with each other 70-80% of the time.

I have been nagging and shouting too much.

I fly off the handle more often than not and also more often than I am loathe to admit.

I feel exasperated and frustrated.

Am I or are K and I being too anal and hanging on to our standards and expectations too much?
Should we revisit our parameters?
Should we give freer rein and be more happy-go-lucky with how the kids are being brought up?

In the meantime, praying for more patience!

less junk, less gunk

My theme for this year. 

Not only in terms of food or the clutter in the house, but also in terms of relationships and work. 

Checking-in on things since we’re almost halfway into 2018 already. 

Kept to some. But failed in others. 

Not quite eating any less junk than I did last year. I just opened a bag of sea salt and black pepper crisps this afternoon. Also recently found a brand of Shiitake mushroom crisps. AND was gorging on salted egg fish skin with K several nights ago. Erm...AND was also gorging on Ben and Jerry’s brownie choc ice-cream with K several weeks ago. Zzz. Failed quite miserably in this aspect....my healthy nuts snacking lasted me all but only a few weeks. 

Focusing on relationships and people that matter. Learning to let go of people who are just not meant to be in my life anymore. Learning too that maybe it is just best to ignore folks who text out of the blue, but then disappear when you reply them. Happened twice this year by two different persons and it pissed me off somewhat. 

Cleared out old clothes again that day. And due to the recent office move to the temporary location, I had the chance to sort through and clear out 10/11 years worth of things. Managed to discard a lot of stuff and archived a whole lot more files too. Definitely feeling better about having lesser things. Though I think I can do better and can probably clear out more things. Maybe I shall do it again when we finally get to shift into the permanent office space in end June. 

Part of the less junk less gunk concept was to rid the body of fatigue, stress and lethargy. And to equip it with more exercise, stretches and fitness. Not doing this right at all. Started well but fell sick and didn’t feel well for 2 months. Even now, on and off my tummy doesn’t feel good. That and CNY and more importantly, my lack of motivation and determination has derailed my plans. And brought my Nov/Dec 17and Jan 18 efforts to naught. 

Slightly more than half a year to go. 

Jiayou and Hwaiting! 

motivation

If you want anything in life, you've got to be hungry.

And.

It's better to be prepared for an opportunity even if you don't have one yet,
Rather than have an opportunity but not be prepared for it.


~ Les Brown, motivational speaker

Performance Appraisal

I was prepared for my appraisal to be mediocre for the FY17/18 work year.
I'd already psyched myself up for an average Standard Contributor rating.

Was pleasantly surprised to see a High Achiever rating.
Ego & mood-booster for the day!

Looking forward to the salary coming in this Friday...personal performance bonus, corporate bonus and usual salary all coming in.

*dances*

On a side note, and as a reminder to myself....
To trudge on even if I don't feel so motivated to do so...
To hang in there....and...
To walk on...
With hope in your heart.

On another side note, not to brag but in hopes to motivate myself to keep things up...
I have been appraised for a full 10 years. I think I've gotten HA for all years, except SC for 2 or 3 of them, and with at least one of the SC ratings due to me missing half a year of work because of maternity leave. That means HA for 75% of the time.

May my engine continue to run strong......Jiayou jiayou jiayou!

Conversations with the 4.5year-old

Erm...this girl can be quite quick-witted sometimes...some excerpts from conversations with her over the last couple of days...

====================
It was just after waking up on Saturday morning.
They each wanted a bottle of milk. (Still trying very hard to wean the big one off the bottle, to no avail!!!)  Anyway, after they were done one of them was chewing on the bottle teat.

Me: Don't chew the teat! If it gets spoiled, I will have to get new ones! These are expensive you know. 
Nadya: Mama, then never mind lor. Just use yours.
Me: What?!
N: Just use yours lor. *points to my boobs*
Me: I don't have anymore milk!
N: Then just get married again and have a baby. Then you will have milk.

三条线......lol....

====================
On the same Saturday morning, after her drama class, we went into Smiggles to while away some time. I bought alphabet keychains for both of them.

We've recently started involving Nadya more and more in such retail purchases and transactions and so I got her to queue up at the payment counter. She handled the purchase beautifully and I was quite proud of her. She's improved alot from her "hide-behind-Mama's-legs" days...

Sometime later in the day I reminded her of something....

Me: Nadya, you have not thanked me for buying you the keychain.
N: You didn't buy it! I bought it!
Me: *caught off guard*
Me: Well, technically you were the one who stood at the counter and made the purchase.
N: Ya, I bought it.
Me: But I paid for it!
N: But I bought it!

Ok, well, she's not wrong too.....

What would you write to your 50, 60, 70-year-old self?

To my 60-year-old self:

Hi there, 

How are you? Are you healthy and happy? How have you lived your past 20 years?

I hope you've stopped working by now and that you're spending your days doing things that you enjoy. Like maybe some gardening, some cooking and some art and craft stuff. 

How about K? Are you guys still taking ramen or soba from time to time? Is he still working? I hope not! Then at least the two of you can go for walks and leisurely trips together. :)

Did you eventually manage to learn a musical instrument? The guitar or the keyboard or piano maybe? Can you play any simple tunes? 

I wonder how you look like. Are you chubbier than when you were 40? I hope your eyes, heart and brain are doing ok and holding up well. Are you still sensitive to certain seafood, dust and artificial fragrances? 

I hope the girls are doing fine too. Both Nadya and Alyssa should have graduated by now and I think they should be working already? I hope they turned out well and are also healthy and happy. I hope they are filial and obedient too! If they're dating, please help them to screen their boyfriends properly. :) 

Last but not least, I hope you had a fulfilling 20 years past and I hope the next 20 years will be just as fulfilling and happy!

Regards,

Your 37-year-old self

Lost it

I lost it tonight.

It has been increasingly difficult to put both girls to sleep. I'd start the process with Alyssa at 9pm or before. After taking her milk she'd roll around for a long time. She'd still be awake by the time Nadya comes in to the room at 930pm or so.

Then both would simply refuse to sleep and do all sorts of things. Request for me to carry. Request for this. Request for that. Insist on going out to the balcony. Request to go to the washroom. Request to go to the kitchen to get something from the fridge.

I usually blow my top when my patience runs thin. I start raising my voice. Either both comply after several threats or one starts to fuss or both. This is usually coupled with passionate declarations of "I don't like Mama!" or "I don't want Mama!!"

By the time both fall asleep it would be 10pm. Alyssa falls asleep first followed by Nadya. These days, it goes all the way till 1015pm.

Tonight was not good.

My already-stretched-thin patience went through a more challenging stress test. It failed. Miserably.
I raised my voice. I shouted. And I eventually cried in front of them as well.

Both refused to listen. Both refused to sleep. Both insisted on me carrying them.
Both started fighting with each other again. Both declared that they did not like me after I spoke to them firmly. Both asked for more milk even though they'd each had a bottle's worth already.
Both were playing non-stop. Both were talking non-stop as well. Both were asking for my attention.

It dragged on.

I lost it. I cried.

Not good. Kids 1: Mama 0.

Alyssa eventually slept at 1030pm. Nadya maybe only 10-15mins later.

This sucks. Big time.

How can I do this better? Change myself?

Feeling.....

unmotivated

the recent shift to a temporary office location has left me feeling displaced and very dispensable.
not quite getting work done as efficiently as I used to back in my heydays.

===============
exhausted

enough said.
sleeping with both girls has left me feeling groggy and suffering from neckaches

===============
frustrated

a little
helper issues, career (non) progression issues, the girls' daily squabbling,

===============
thankful

i need to be
for I still have a job, a warm home and a warm bed to get back to at the end of the day
for I have 4 pairs of little hands and feet that want to clamber over or hug me at the end of each day
for I have K in my life
for I have the Sngs standing solid behind my back too

===============
quirky

wearing $20 cheap but chio shoes bought online and made by a China brand that was apparently super big in China back in the 1960s - 1980s before it opened up to the world

===============
young? old?

schizophrenic lol...
feel young when I talk to some of my peers, like I've not progressed or matured enough
feel old when I deal with people born more than 12 years after me. Gosh....

Baby Shark

Yeah yeah...the song that all parents of young kids would know....

We were at a foodcourt last Saturday and I sought Alyssa's help to hold on to a $10 note while we were waiting for our food to be done.

Me: Do you know this man?
A: No.
Me: His name is Yusof Ishak. Can you say his name?
A: Eee-shak. Baby Shark!!!
A: *doo doo doo doo...doo doo doo doo...doo"


小妹妹...He's our first President you know? Show some respect please....lol :)

Too young to be talking about marriage!

The other night, before bed.

A: Mama, I marry Ethan!
Me: *splutter* Har? Marry? Why do you want to marry Ethan??
A: I like him. He is so so sweet!
Me: Why is he sweet?
A: Because he eat gummy bear.

*facepalm*

LOL....

big baby?

Went to an online forum to seek urgent information regarding Filipino helpers and home leave. Came across this line someone said "Having an FDW is like taking care of a big baby."

Somewhat true, sometimes.

On a Roll

Tongue craving for kimchi and anything kimchi related like ramen, kimchi jeon, kimchi fried rice, jiggaes, etc.

Made kimchi jeon for the parents on Saturday haha. Dad didn't have much comment but munched silently on a piece of it so I don't know if he liked it or not. Mum couldn't take more than 2 bites because of the spice and sourness. (It upsets her stomach).

On a kimchi roll......

===================
EXO

recently stanning EXO's songs again and one of the members Do Kyungsoo or D.O. as his stage name goes...

you see? even the lingo I use is changing...stanning...sheesh...can't believe myself. :D

On an EXO roll......

===================
Due to the office shift and my team's temporary location in a meeting room, I've been feeling somewhat distracted and displaced. Been working from home more often and because of that....

I've had the chance to use more face masks too haha...I don't use them when the kids are around because I don't want them to start peeling anything off my face and I don't want them asking to use them too haha.

On a face mask roll.....

===================

I’ve recently been on a buying spree too. 7 tshirts, 4 pairs of shoes, 2 office dresses, 1 denim shirt, 1 bag...

Maybe more on the way......

On a buying roll.....

Melt

Reached inlaws place after work on Monday 23 April.
Alyssa was there at the dining area when I was having dinner. She came over and wanted to hold my hand.

She said: "Mama, why your hand so so cold?"
Me: "Because Mama worked in a cold room the whole day and the bus I was on was cold too."
She said: "Mama, I keep you warm ok! I hold your hands. Come."

My heart, it melted. :)

Thank you for looking after me sayang....

Afternoon WorkDay Energy Boost

Peanut is sick, running a fever which has tapered off and hopefully gets fully eradicated today.
She's not in school today. K arranged for a FaceTime session 30mins ago. :)

Seeing her and talking to her brought me much smiles.

"I miss you!" I told her.

"I miss you!" She parroted.

"I love you!" I told her.

"I love you!" She echoed back again.


Oh much love much love. :) *heartmelt*

Sometimes when I am putting her to sleep. She would just suddenly announce "I like Mama!" or "I love Mama!". Heartmelt moment too...haha.

Men

When there is dust accumulated on your things like your docking station, monitor screen, phone, etc, how would you clean it?

What I've observed in the recent packing frenzy in office is that some men just use paper (normal paper or tracing paper) or tissue paper to sweep off the dust from the items. Women generally use damp towels, wet tissue or wet rolls to wipe the dust off. 

Like hello? Men?!

You just sweep the dust off like that....it'll just end up all over the place and in the air right? No wonder my nose is stuffed up and irritable. No wonder my eyes are teary these couple of days. No wonder people are getting sore throats....

zzzzz.....

This is why I don't understand the use of feather dusters.

Trolling

Trolling their kids is something all parents do at some point in their growing kids' lives. :)

We were at the clinic waiting for Nadya's turn on Wednesday night. She had a persistent cough and phelgm. The clinic had a kitchen stove playset there.

N: Mama, I'm cooking. What do you want?
Me: I want grilled chicken breast glazed with a semi-reduction of honey and balsamic vinegar.
N: Ok!
Me: you know what that is?
N: No. But I think I will just make cupcakes for you.

Lol....:D

Alyssa

I think Alyssa speaks fairly well for her age.
She started speaking later than Nadya but in terms of advancement, she's improving at a much faster rate. Maybe having an older sibling helps.

The only thing with her is that we've all gone abit lax with regard to speaking Singlish. With Nadya last time, we made sure to speak clearly and rarely used Singlish except for the occassional lapse. With Alyssa, I think we've all somehow just used Singlish quite regularly.

=================
She's so cute and charming too. Even my brother says so.
She'd already eaten but was hanging around K and myself when we were having dinner last night.

She climbed into a chair and started scooping vegetables for us both.

"Mama Dada, do you want some?"

"Mama, do you want beans?"

When I declined the beans, she said: "Ok. Then you eat your vegetables lor. Finish your sausage. Finish your rice!"

Haha....now who's mothering who?

I want to....

1. Learn a musical instrument....a guitar or piano/keyboard
2. Take a class on drawing, calligraphy, watercolour painting or related stuff....
3. Cook. In an undisturbed kitchen free of children or helper. Something that I want to eat and not have to consider if the children can eat or not. 
4. Curl up in bed. And watch Korean shows. Especially variety shows. And laugh my ass off. 
5. Smile and be carefree. 

Clarity

Prayed for health, happiness, strength, patience and clarity while at Novena Church yesterday afternoon.

Health and happiness for obvious reasons. :)
Strength to carry on when the going gets tough.
Patience when dealing with the 2 girls and when dealing with certain people at work.

And I prayed for clarity in both my work and personal lives.

For a long time I've been in a fuddy duddy muddled hesitant undecided state about the future of my career. I hope to have some clarity soon...to find a direction and/or goal to work towards...

11 April

Granny's 4th death anniversary.

I had taken the afternoon off to grab lunch with Ally at Novena. And then I took a 5-min walk to Novena church. It had been a long time since I visited this church. I didn't even know that it had recently been renovated. I found my way in and as usual, as with every time I step into a church, I felt like crying. It's gotten better over the years though.

Adrian had gone to Holy Family Church on Tuesday evening. Dad and Mum went to Holy Trinity church on 11 Apr morning and I was at Novena in the afternoon. Lol, this year we all went separately to do our own prayers. It used to be that we would all gather at Holy Family Church together my Aunt as well.

Anyway, I found a pew and settled down. I spent maybe 30-40mins there...speaking with Mother Mary, God.....and Granny of course. I updated Granny on my family's situation...updated her on how the girls were doing, how much they've grown...and of course, I sought Granny's help to watch over all of us. I hope she's having a good time with Ipoh and Tuanku up there.

I prayed too, for all those near and dear to me. For their health, happiness and strength. Especially for my family, K and the 2 girls.

For myself, I prayed for health, happiness, strength, patience and clarity. Patience with the kids and clarity in both my work and personal life.

9 April 2018

090409

Happy 9th anniversary Baby...:)

Friday PM Leave

Taking leave this Friday afternoon.

For a minute change of pace. For a tiny breather. For a tiny break.

What's my plan?

Thinking about having kimchi jeon for lunch that afternoon. Haha.
Kimchi jeon has been on my mind for quite awhile. Ever since K and I had a nice version of it at Yunga Katong V.

See how it goes!

Uncle T

I took a cab this morning. Again. Yes, I've backslided alot this year but that's a story for another day.

Recently many cab drivers like talking to me. I don't know why though. :) And then once in a blue moon, I would meet one who inspires me. I was so engrossed in our chat that I forgot to ask him for his name.

I'll call him Uncle T. T for Teochew since he's one. Uncle T is 73 this year, 3 years younger than my dad. He looks a little younger than his age and credits it to his exercising 4 times a week. He wants to start learning how to read and write Chinese and has started looking at various private learning centres. He can handle conversational spoken Mandarin but wants to learn how to read and write it. From the way he speaks, his English is pretty good.

Uncle T said to me that these days, it's not "活到老，学到老" but actually "活到老， 学到老， 学不完!". He also shared with me that his greatest regret is not doing what he wanted when he was younger. This is also the greatest regret of many on their deathbed. He told me that these days he wants to do, try and learn so many things but he finds that he has quite limited time.

He didn't say it outrightly but I feel that he is a little regretful too that he does not have grandkids. He has a daughter and a son, both in their 40s. The unfortunate thing was that his daughter-in-law passed had cancer and passed away when she was only in her 30s. His daughter doesn't seem to be married. That's why he has no grandkids.  But he is a proud grandfather to a furkid, a toy poodle named Chanel (who is 11.5 years old by the way). He's glad that at least he has someone to fuss over when he goes home each day. And he's glad that his wife, who is not working now, has someone to occupy her time each day too.

I got reminded of my parents and I wonder if they're lonely. Empty Nest Syndrome? I definitely hope not. And I am glad too that they've got a big bunch of friends that they hang out with and go on trips with. I hope I have a bunch of good friends too whom I can hang out with when I get to their age.

Side story:
Uncle T's daughter-in-law passed away on 26 May 2012. several years later, his son got himself a girlfriend whose birthday happened to be on 26 May. That relationship didn't work out and now he has another girlfriend. Guess what? Her birthday is also on 26 May. Gosh, how much of a coincidence is that? Uncle T joked that he asked his son if having a birthday on 26 May was a criterion to be his girlfriend.

So anyway...Uncle T....thanks for inspiring me. It's really laudable that you're still so active, healthy, happy and hungry to learn at your age! Here's sincerely wishing you, your wife and puppy Chanel long lives ahead! May your son and his current girlfriend eventually get married too, I know that is your wish. :)

Joy comes when you least expect it

Despite all the frustration I felt yesterday, there were still moments of joy. Bright gleaming spots that pop up suddenly, catch me off guard and leave a warm trail in my heart.

• I was trying to mend a dress and sewed a portion wrongly. I had to redo it and gave out a big sigh. Nadya, who was sitting with me watching me sew (while in the meantime trying to stab herself with extra needles from my sewing kit), took my hand, patted it and kissed it. 
• I was putting Alyssa to sleep and lay next to her on her bed. She gave me several kisses on my cheek and declared " I like Mama! I love you...". She patted me, she hugged me, she snuggled close to me, she kissed my right palm, she kissed me some more. *melt*
• Nadya was running around shrieking like a mad woman when she suddenly stopped and gave me a bear hug....and yes, she continued shrieking like a banshee thereafter....
• K and I shared some goofy laughter at a lame joke I made in the evening...about mice and pussies...:)

Parenting don'ts

I guess I am doing everything that's listed as "don'ts" in parenting books.

I shout. I lose my patience. I threaten. I glare.

I have many internal sticky notes pasted on the inside of my brain reminding me not to shout or lose patience.

To no avail.

Some things that got to me yesterday:

• Nadya peeled off bits of tissue paper, rolled them into tiny balls and stuffed them into her ears. 
• Both girls took turns to snatch things from each other. Both irritated the other on many occasions. Alyssa slapped Nadya once (I have to give credit to Nadya for not crying). Nadya pinched Alyssa twice and nearly squashed Alyssa between the door and door-frame.   
• Nadya repeatedly tried to jump/climb on me when I was feeding Alyssa her medicine, despite being told not to. 
• Nadya refused to feed herself lunch or dinner. 
• Alyssa tore open a package of things despite being told not to. When I chided her, she announced "Don't like Mama!!"
• Nadya refusing to lower her volume at night even though Alyssa was already sleeping.

In the future, I might look back at these days and laugh at myself for being uptight or impatient. I might brush these things off with a wave of my hand or treat them as no biggies. 

But for now, for yesterday, the frustration was real. 

Sunday Screamfest

It was a Sunday screamfest yesterday. 

The girls were screaming and being 自high. There were many occasions of naughtiness, defiance and you know, general toddler bratty behaviour. 

This mother's patience was wearing thin and screaming/shouting as a result. 

I think the immediate neighbours probably heard me a gazillion times scolding, threatening, shouting in exasperation and attempted dominance, nagging on repeat, etc. 

They probably did not see nor hear me wring my fingers in frustration, take big sighs to let out steam and hide in the toilet for awhile to regain some sanity. 

They probably also did not hear the alternate sessions of softer speech with the girls, when I forced myself to calm down a little and speak  to them in a lower tone, when I tried to reason with Nadya, when I tried to explain why I was reacting in such a manner, when I tried to implore them (especially Nadya) to behave, when I tried to teach things like basic courtesy (but was royally ignored). 

Nobody heard my heart beating loudly in my chest. 

Nobody felt the throbbing in my head. 

Nobody knew how grating the girls' shrieks had become to my ears yesterday. 

I just need a day or two of not speaking to anyone. No one. Not even the kids. Not even K.  

To rest up. To cook a bowl of soba for myself. To sleep. To draw. To color. To cry. To stone. 

To just be. 

I don't think that's possible though. 

not good enough?

When you are regularly told you’re not good

When you are regularly criticized for being lacking

You maybe do end up feeling the same way about yourself. 

After so long.....

I still don't fair well at Board meetings. Still can't respond well enough.
Sigh.

Self-Deprecation

--> tending or serving to undervalue or disparage onself.
--> trying to make yourself, your abilities and your achievements seem less important.
--> excessively modest.

Reminder to Self:
When self-deprecation goes too far, it can become self-loathing and self-sabotaging, which are less amusing forms of putting yourself down.
And when enough of it happens over time, you believe that you yourself are not worthy.

老娘

老娘 is not a tech savvy person...
Nor is 老娘 very into social media/metworking...
Hence, 老娘 is not on Twitter, Tumblr, Reddit, Pinterest and what have you...
And 老娘 also has no idea how these things work...

So anyway, 老娘 suddenly remembered that a looooong time ago (like maybe 6 years back?!), she did create an Instagram account for fun. Only to be overwhelmed by what it was all about and she decided to just stick to Facebook and ditch all else.

老娘 decided a few days ago to revive that Instagram account and re-installed the Instagram application on her phone.

老娘 is still exploring how to use it and what it can do.

In the meantime, 老娘 has discovered that you can follow someone's else Instagram account, much like how you follow someone on Facebook.

老娘 still has not explored Twitter though...and has no intention to tweet.
老娘 wonders if "tweet" is even a recognised word/verb.

Buzz

I've not had the inspiration to doodle for a long long time. For some reason, today happened to be a day when I decided to pick up my pen. My work PC was undergoing a huge Microsoft Windows 10 update and I couldn't do any work. So I decided to doodle...

The concept? A single-line drawing. The entire piece is made up of a single unbroken line.
Done in 30mins or so?

I don't usually name my doodles. But this one's called Buzz.
Because it's the first word that popped into my mind when I saw it in its finished state.

Hope I get a chance to pick up my pen again soon...

Legal Day Today

I've designated today as Legal Day. The day when I try to concentrate hard on vetting, editing, proof-reading and customising a 21-page legal document to suit a certain project's purpose.

The entire document is a full listing of terms and conditions worded in extremely legalistic language, chockful of references to Articles and clauses of numerous other documents.

#readtillwannavomit

#giamchyemia

#clearingshitforothers

Performance appraisal is over so I can't even add this into my work done for the FY.
Boo :(

Jiayou Michelle! 你可以的!!

My K-journey

I only watched Korean shows on and off in the past. Random but popular shows like Full House, Boys Over Flowers, Coffee Prince and Big. The Crucible introduced me to Gong Yoo (which brought me to watch Coffee Prince) and it was then that I considered him as one of my favourite actors.

I couldn't be considered a K-drama fan as my experience with them was minimal. I wasn't a K-pop fan either. I had no idea who was who and I didn't quite enjoy watching pubescent-looking boys singing.

Fast forward to Dec 2016. For some reason, I must have heard the word "Goblin" more than a few times. A thumbnail of Viu appeared on my FB feed as well. Curious, I clicked on it....and that was when it all began. My almost 1.5 year journey into the K-world.

Within a month from Dec 2016, I devoured several K-dramas including Goblin, Descendants of the Sun, 7 First Kisses (web drama) and Legend of the Blue Sea. I continued with several other popular dramas and by chance, I stumbled on K-variety.

For 7-8 months thereafter, I caught up with almost 200 episodes of 2 Days 1 Night - Season 3. Episodes which spanned from Dec 2013 to date. It remains as one of my favourite variety shows and I am still following it. I then went back to some dramas for awhile before starting on Running Man. It was a popular variety show that I'd read about in the news from time to time. I caught up on episodes from January 2017 to date. I am still following it now.

Other variety shows that have crossed paths with me include The Unit, It's Dangerous Beyond the Blankets and All the Butlers.

And reluctant as I am to admit it, I am a recent convert to K-pop. My main bias is now EXO. Maybe because they have bulked up a little and don't quite resemble the pubescent looking teenage boys of some other groups. Henry Lau, Taeyang, Roy Kim and Jung Joon Young are some of my other favourites as well.  Some others in the industry are really really talented. They speak several languages, play several instruments, were star students in school and can sing, dance and act as well. Super multi-talented and I'm really impressed.

I don't see this K-journey waning anytime soon haha. Maybe the bug doesn't go away once you're bitten by it.  :)

The funny thing is that I laughed at my Dad when he was obsessed with Girls' Generation several years back. I swear he has watched almost every single video available on YouTube that relates to them. For the past year though, he kind of fell out of his obsession and has rarely touched any Kpop video since then....

Decluttering in progress

Office is shifting in April...Colleagues and I have been packing and clearing stuff.

In the midst of packing, I realised I've accumulated 12 namecard boxes worth of namecards over 10.5years. Didn't realised I've met and conversed with so many people over the years.

I went through all namecards and I've to admit. I don't remember ever meeting more than half of those people. And I definitely cannot put a face to the name. I ended up throwing away at least 8 boxes.

In the midst of going through all those namecards, I felt a little sentimental at some point because I realised I met alot of people in my preparation for my biggest project ever in the whole course of my working life...the APRICOT 2013 event. Some ended up being good friends. Some came and went...others ended up in my FB. :)

People come, people go. Some leave nary an imprint on your life save for a quick hello. Others leave more than a lasting impression.

Anyway, more decluttering to come.

The new office cubicle & table space is apparently 90% of our current size and cupboard space is only 50% of our current space....:(

Nadya - N for newborn?

Nadya woke 4 times last night. Twice to pee, twice to throw a fuss for milk.

70-80% of the time I feel like I'm taking care of a newborn at night. For the last 4.5 years.

Groggy, a little breathless, bloated and tired. I hope the work day ahead goes smoothly enough....

p/s: I hope she's not falling sick. Her nose seemed blocked this morning. Sigh...

Exhausted

And so I saw this article on Facebook this morning:
8 Warning Signs You're Mentally and Emotionally Exhausted.

Yeah, I know...take whatever you read online with many pinches of salt...this piqued my interest though...I feel I can relate to it somewhat.

So what are the 8 signs?

1. You are easily irritated
2. Your motivation levels are lower than ever
3. You are experiencing anxiety attacks more than usual
4. You have trouble sleeping
5. Meaningless things upset you
6. You feel dizzy and nauseous
7. You feel like crying for no reason
8. You start to feel detached

Let's see how I fare on these....

1. You are easily irritated - Yes
2. Your motivation levels are lower than ever - Yes
3. You are experiencing anxiety attacks more than usual - Don't think so?
4. You have trouble sleeping - Nope. I'm tired as f*ck so I fall asleep within minutes of lying down.
5. Meaningless things upset you - Yes, sometimes
6. You feel dizzy and nauseous - Yes. For this year, it's almost all the time
7. You feel like crying for no reason - Yes, sometimes.
8. You start to feel detached - Nope. Whatever this means.

I answered yes to more than half the list.

FML?

Rant Post

Feeling stressed, testy and sensitive.

Various things on my plate at work. I've not been able to touch my workplan item much for close to half a year as I've been bogged down by other things. Just kena arrowed to take on something else which was supposed to have been done by someone else. *pui*

He's the same rank as me but since he's a guy I think he's paid more. Why am I catching the balls that he doesn't seem to be able to catch? *pui*

And the registrars...are taking up alot of my time as well.

===============
Sometimes, 一人少说一句, 浪会平静一些 ...

Me saying less or me stopping the conversation does not mean I concede though.

I feel like I'm internalising my feelings...not that good and not that healthy.
How to reduce this? Hmm...

Chronology

20 Feb : Diarrhoea after eating sashimi from Melt Cafe @ Mandarin Oriental Hotel.

21 Feb - 24 Feb : Kathmandu trip. Queasy every morning and had to take anti-nausea pills. Ate little for lunch each day. Tummy would be more stable only after lunch. Appetite would be ok by dinner. Heart palpitations and retching on 24 Feb just before checking out of the hotel.

25 Feb - 28 Feb: On and off bloating and queasiness.

1 Mar: Dinner with the duckies. Had to leave halfway. Took creamy mushroom soup and experienced the same thing ont he last day of the Kathmandu trip. Light-headedness, nauseated and heart palpitations again.

2 Mar - 6 Mar: Poor appetite and bad bloating everyday.

7 Mar: Was ok while taking MRT to work. Started feeling queasy while walking to office from the MRT station. After breakfast, heart started palpitating just a little and tummy was nauseated again. Light-headed, breathless and a little pale. Left office and went to the doctor. Was prescribed anti-nausea pills, antacids, probiotics and medication for distention. Doc said stomach viruses could take up to 3 to 4 weeks to clear up. Really?? FML...

8 Mar to date: On and off queasiness and bad bloating. On and off light-headedness. Eating very small meals during the day. Taking half of what I used to eat for breakfast and half or 1/3 of what I usually take for lunch. Will feel better by dinner but I still can't take too much otherwise I would go to sleep full and end up bloating the next morning.

The dilemma is when I take small meals, I don't feel so bloated but I end up feeling abit more tired and zapped out because I have less fuel for energy. I can't take too much water as it causes me to feel bloated too...


Sigh. Not sure what is wrong...Pls get well soon my tummy...