What would you write to your 50, 60, 70-year-old self?

To my 60-year-old self:

Hi there, 

How are you? Are you healthy and happy? How have you lived your past 20 years?

I hope you've stopped working by now and that you're spending your days doing things that you enjoy. Like maybe some gardening, some cooking and some art and craft stuff. 

How about K? Are you guys still taking ramen or soba from time to time? Is he still working? I hope not! Then at least the two of you can go for walks and leisurely trips together. :)

Did you eventually manage to learn a musical instrument? The guitar or the keyboard or piano maybe? Can you play any simple tunes? 

I wonder how you look like. Are you chubbier than when you were 40? I hope your eyes, heart and brain are doing ok and holding up well. Are you still sensitive to certain seafood, dust and artificial fragrances? 

I hope the girls are doing fine too. Both Nadya and Alyssa should have graduated by now and I think they should be working already? I hope they turned out well and are also healthy and happy. I hope they are filial and obedient too! If they're dating, please help them to screen their boyfriends properly. :) 

Last but not least, I hope you had a fulfilling 20 years past and I hope the next 20 years will be just as fulfilling and happy!

Regards,

Your 37-year-old self

Lost it

I lost it tonight.

It has been increasingly difficult to put both girls to sleep. I'd start the process with Alyssa at 9pm or before. After taking her milk she'd roll around for a long time. She'd still be awake by the time Nadya comes in to the room at 930pm or so.

Then both would simply refuse to sleep and do all sorts of things. Request for me to carry. Request for this. Request for that. Insist on going out to the balcony. Request to go to the washroom. Request to go to the kitchen to get something from the fridge.

I usually blow my top when my patience runs thin. I start raising my voice. Either both comply after several threats or one starts to fuss or both. This is usually coupled with passionate declarations of "I don't like Mama!" or "I don't want Mama!!"

By the time both fall asleep it would be 10pm. Alyssa falls asleep first followed by Nadya. These days, it goes all the way till 1015pm.

Tonight was not good.

My already-stretched-thin patience went through a more challenging stress test. It failed. Miserably.
I raised my voice. I shouted. And I eventually cried in front of them as well.

Both refused to listen. Both refused to sleep. Both insisted on me carrying them.
Both started fighting with each other again. Both declared that they did not like me after I spoke to them firmly. Both asked for more milk even though they'd each had a bottle's worth already.
Both were playing non-stop. Both were talking non-stop as well. Both were asking for my attention.

It dragged on.

I lost it. I cried.

Not good. Kids 1: Mama 0.

Alyssa eventually slept at 1030pm. Nadya maybe only 10-15mins later.

This sucks. Big time.

How can I do this better? Change myself?

Feeling.....

unmotivated

the recent shift to a temporary office location has left me feeling displaced and very dispensable.
not quite getting work done as efficiently as I used to back in my heydays.

===============
exhausted

enough said.
sleeping with both girls has left me feeling groggy and suffering from neckaches

===============
frustrated

a little
helper issues, career (non) progression issues, the girls' daily squabbling,

===============
thankful

i need to be
for I still have a job, a warm home and a warm bed to get back to at the end of the day
for I have 4 pairs of little hands and feet that want to clamber over or hug me at the end of each day
for I have K in my life
for I have the Sngs standing solid behind my back too

===============
quirky

wearing $20 cheap but chio shoes bought online and made by a China brand that was apparently super big in China back in the 1960s - 1980s before it opened up to the world

===============
young? old?

schizophrenic lol...
feel young when I talk to some of my peers, like I've not progressed or matured enough
feel old when I deal with people born more than 12 years after me. Gosh....

Baby Shark

Yeah yeah...the song that all parents of young kids would know....

We were at a foodcourt last Saturday and I sought Alyssa's help to hold on to a $10 note while we were waiting for our food to be done.

Me: Do you know this man?
A: No.
Me: His name is Yusof Ishak. Can you say his name?
A: Eee-shak. Baby Shark!!!
A: *doo doo doo doo...doo doo doo doo...doo"


小妹妹...He's our first President you know? Show some respect please....lol :)

Too young to be talking about marriage!

The other night, before bed.

A: Mama, I marry Ethan!
Me: *splutter* Har? Marry? Why do you want to marry Ethan??
A: I like him. He is so so sweet!
Me: Why is he sweet?
A: Because he eat gummy bear.

*facepalm*

LOL....

big baby?

Went to an online forum to seek urgent information regarding Filipino helpers and home leave. Came across this line someone said "Having an FDW is like taking care of a big baby."

Somewhat true, sometimes.

On a Roll

Tongue craving for kimchi and anything kimchi related like ramen, kimchi jeon, kimchi fried rice, jiggaes, etc.

Made kimchi jeon for the parents on Saturday haha. Dad didn't have much comment but munched silently on a piece of it so I don't know if he liked it or not. Mum couldn't take more than 2 bites because of the spice and sourness. (It upsets her stomach).

On a kimchi roll......

===================
EXO

recently stanning EXO's songs again and one of the members Do Kyungsoo or D.O. as his stage name goes...

you see? even the lingo I use is changing...stanning...sheesh...can't believe myself. :D

On an EXO roll......

===================
Due to the office shift and my team's temporary location in a meeting room, I've been feeling somewhat distracted and displaced. Been working from home more often and because of that....

I've had the chance to use more face masks too haha...I don't use them when the kids are around because I don't want them to start peeling anything off my face and I don't want them asking to use them too haha.

On a face mask roll.....

===================

I’ve recently been on a buying spree too. 7 tshirts, 4 pairs of shoes, 2 office dresses, 1 denim shirt, 1 bag...

Maybe more on the way......

On a buying roll.....

Melt

Reached inlaws place after work on Monday 23 April.
Alyssa was there at the dining area when I was having dinner. She came over and wanted to hold my hand.

She said: "Mama, why your hand so so cold?"
Me: "Because Mama worked in a cold room the whole day and the bus I was on was cold too."
She said: "Mama, I keep you warm ok! I hold your hands. Come."

My heart, it melted. :)

Thank you for looking after me sayang....

Afternoon WorkDay Energy Boost

Peanut is sick, running a fever which has tapered off and hopefully gets fully eradicated today.
She's not in school today. K arranged for a FaceTime session 30mins ago. :)

Seeing her and talking to her brought me much smiles.

"I miss you!" I told her.

"I miss you!" She parroted.

"I love you!" I told her.

"I love you!" She echoed back again.


Oh much love much love. :) *heartmelt*

Sometimes when I am putting her to sleep. She would just suddenly announce "I like Mama!" or "I love Mama!". Heartmelt moment too...haha.

Men

When there is dust accumulated on your things like your docking station, monitor screen, phone, etc, how would you clean it?

What I've observed in the recent packing frenzy in office is that some men just use paper (normal paper or tracing paper) or tissue paper to sweep off the dust from the items. Women generally use damp towels, wet tissue or wet rolls to wipe the dust off. 

Like hello? Men?!

You just sweep the dust off like that....it'll just end up all over the place and in the air right? No wonder my nose is stuffed up and irritable. No wonder my eyes are teary these couple of days. No wonder people are getting sore throats....

zzzzz.....

This is why I don't understand the use of feather dusters.

Trolling

Trolling their kids is something all parents do at some point in their growing kids' lives. :)

We were at the clinic waiting for Nadya's turn on Wednesday night. She had a persistent cough and phelgm. The clinic had a kitchen stove playset there.

N: Mama, I'm cooking. What do you want?
Me: I want grilled chicken breast glazed with a semi-reduction of honey and balsamic vinegar.
N: Ok!
Me: you know what that is?
N: No. But I think I will just make cupcakes for you.

Lol....:D

Alyssa

I think Alyssa speaks fairly well for her age.
She started speaking later than Nadya but in terms of advancement, she's improving at a much faster rate. Maybe having an older sibling helps.

The only thing with her is that we've all gone abit lax with regard to speaking Singlish. With Nadya last time, we made sure to speak clearly and rarely used Singlish except for the occassional lapse. With Alyssa, I think we've all somehow just used Singlish quite regularly.

=================
She's so cute and charming too. Even my brother says so.
She'd already eaten but was hanging around K and myself when we were having dinner last night.

She climbed into a chair and started scooping vegetables for us both.

"Mama Dada, do you want some?"

"Mama, do you want beans?"

When I declined the beans, she said: "Ok. Then you eat your vegetables lor. Finish your sausage. Finish your rice!"

Haha....now who's mothering who?

I want to....

1. Learn a musical instrument....a guitar or piano/keyboard
2. Take a class on drawing, calligraphy, watercolour painting or related stuff....
3. Cook. In an undisturbed kitchen free of children or helper. Something that I want to eat and not have to consider if the children can eat or not. 
4. Curl up in bed. And watch Korean shows. Especially variety shows. And laugh my ass off. 
5. Smile and be carefree. 

Clarity

Prayed for health, happiness, strength, patience and clarity while at Novena Church yesterday afternoon.

Health and happiness for obvious reasons. :)
Strength to carry on when the going gets tough.
Patience when dealing with the 2 girls and when dealing with certain people at work.

And I prayed for clarity in both my work and personal lives.

For a long time I've been in a fuddy duddy muddled hesitant undecided state about the future of my career. I hope to have some clarity soon...to find a direction and/or goal to work towards...

11 April

Granny's 4th death anniversary.

I had taken the afternoon off to grab lunch with Ally at Novena. And then I took a 5-min walk to Novena church. It had been a long time since I visited this church. I didn't even know that it had recently been renovated. I found my way in and as usual, as with every time I step into a church, I felt like crying. It's gotten better over the years though.

Adrian had gone to Holy Family Church on Tuesday evening. Dad and Mum went to Holy Trinity church on 11 Apr morning and I was at Novena in the afternoon. Lol, this year we all went separately to do our own prayers. It used to be that we would all gather at Holy Family Church together my Aunt as well.

Anyway, I found a pew and settled down. I spent maybe 30-40mins there...speaking with Mother Mary, God.....and Granny of course. I updated Granny on my family's situation...updated her on how the girls were doing, how much they've grown...and of course, I sought Granny's help to watch over all of us. I hope she's having a good time with Ipoh and Tuanku up there.

I prayed too, for all those near and dear to me. For their health, happiness and strength. Especially for my family, K and the 2 girls.

For myself, I prayed for health, happiness, strength, patience and clarity. Patience with the kids and clarity in both my work and personal life.

9 April 2018

090409

Happy 9th anniversary Baby...:)

Friday PM Leave

Taking leave this Friday afternoon.

For a minute change of pace. For a tiny breather. For a tiny break.

What's my plan?

Thinking about having kimchi jeon for lunch that afternoon. Haha.
Kimchi jeon has been on my mind for quite awhile. Ever since K and I had a nice version of it at Yunga Katong V.

See how it goes!

Uncle T

I took a cab this morning. Again. Yes, I've backslided alot this year but that's a story for another day.

Recently many cab drivers like talking to me. I don't know why though. :) And then once in a blue moon, I would meet one who inspires me. I was so engrossed in our chat that I forgot to ask him for his name.

I'll call him Uncle T. T for Teochew since he's one. Uncle T is 73 this year, 3 years younger than my dad. He looks a little younger than his age and credits it to his exercising 4 times a week. He wants to start learning how to read and write Chinese and has started looking at various private learning centres. He can handle conversational spoken Mandarin but wants to learn how to read and write it. From the way he speaks, his English is pretty good.

Uncle T said to me that these days, it's not "活到老，学到老" but actually "活到老， 学到老， 学不完!". He also shared with me that his greatest regret is not doing what he wanted when he was younger. This is also the greatest regret of many on their deathbed. He told me that these days he wants to do, try and learn so many things but he finds that he has quite limited time.

He didn't say it outrightly but I feel that he is a little regretful too that he does not have grandkids. He has a daughter and a son, both in their 40s. The unfortunate thing was that his daughter-in-law passed had cancer and passed away when she was only in her 30s. His daughter doesn't seem to be married. That's why he has no grandkids.  But he is a proud grandfather to a furkid, a toy poodle named Chanel (who is 11.5 years old by the way). He's glad that at least he has someone to fuss over when he goes home each day. And he's glad that his wife, who is not working now, has someone to occupy her time each day too.

I got reminded of my parents and I wonder if they're lonely. Empty Nest Syndrome? I definitely hope not. And I am glad too that they've got a big bunch of friends that they hang out with and go on trips with. I hope I have a bunch of good friends too whom I can hang out with when I get to their age.

Side story:
Uncle T's daughter-in-law passed away on 26 May 2012. several years later, his son got himself a girlfriend whose birthday happened to be on 26 May. That relationship didn't work out and now he has another girlfriend. Guess what? Her birthday is also on 26 May. Gosh, how much of a coincidence is that? Uncle T joked that he asked his son if having a birthday on 26 May was a criterion to be his girlfriend.

So anyway...Uncle T....thanks for inspiring me. It's really laudable that you're still so active, healthy, happy and hungry to learn at your age! Here's sincerely wishing you, your wife and puppy Chanel long lives ahead! May your son and his current girlfriend eventually get married too, I know that is your wish. :)

Joy comes when you least expect it

Despite all the frustration I felt yesterday, there were still moments of joy. Bright gleaming spots that pop up suddenly, catch me off guard and leave a warm trail in my heart.

• I was trying to mend a dress and sewed a portion wrongly. I had to redo it and gave out a big sigh. Nadya, who was sitting with me watching me sew (while in the meantime trying to stab herself with extra needles from my sewing kit), took my hand, patted it and kissed it. 
• I was putting Alyssa to sleep and lay next to her on her bed. She gave me several kisses on my cheek and declared " I like Mama! I love you...". She patted me, she hugged me, she snuggled close to me, she kissed my right palm, she kissed me some more. *melt*
• Nadya was running around shrieking like a mad woman when she suddenly stopped and gave me a bear hug....and yes, she continued shrieking like a banshee thereafter....
• K and I shared some goofy laughter at a lame joke I made in the evening...about mice and pussies...:)

Parenting don'ts

I guess I am doing everything that's listed as "don'ts" in parenting books.

I shout. I lose my patience. I threaten. I glare.

I have many internal sticky notes pasted on the inside of my brain reminding me not to shout or lose patience.

To no avail.

Some things that got to me yesterday:

• Nadya peeled off bits of tissue paper, rolled them into tiny balls and stuffed them into her ears. 
• Both girls took turns to snatch things from each other. Both irritated the other on many occasions. Alyssa slapped Nadya once (I have to give credit to Nadya for not crying). Nadya pinched Alyssa twice and nearly squashed Alyssa between the door and door-frame.   
• Nadya repeatedly tried to jump/climb on me when I was feeding Alyssa her medicine, despite being told not to. 
• Nadya refused to feed herself lunch or dinner. 
• Alyssa tore open a package of things despite being told not to. When I chided her, she announced "Don't like Mama!!"
• Nadya refusing to lower her volume at night even though Alyssa was already sleeping.

In the future, I might look back at these days and laugh at myself for being uptight or impatient. I might brush these things off with a wave of my hand or treat them as no biggies. 

But for now, for yesterday, the frustration was real. 

Sunday Screamfest

It was a Sunday screamfest yesterday. 

The girls were screaming and being 自high. There were many occasions of naughtiness, defiance and you know, general toddler bratty behaviour. 

This mother's patience was wearing thin and screaming/shouting as a result. 

I think the immediate neighbours probably heard me a gazillion times scolding, threatening, shouting in exasperation and attempted dominance, nagging on repeat, etc. 

They probably did not see nor hear me wring my fingers in frustration, take big sighs to let out steam and hide in the toilet for awhile to regain some sanity. 

They probably also did not hear the alternate sessions of softer speech with the girls, when I forced myself to calm down a little and speak  to them in a lower tone, when I tried to reason with Nadya, when I tried to explain why I was reacting in such a manner, when I tried to implore them (especially Nadya) to behave, when I tried to teach things like basic courtesy (but was royally ignored). 

Nobody heard my heart beating loudly in my chest. 

Nobody felt the throbbing in my head. 

Nobody knew how grating the girls' shrieks had become to my ears yesterday. 

I just need a day or two of not speaking to anyone. No one. Not even the kids. Not even K.  

To rest up. To cook a bowl of soba for myself. To sleep. To draw. To color. To cry. To stone. 

To just be. 

I don't think that's possible though. 

not good enough?

When you are regularly told you’re not good

When you are regularly criticized for being lacking

You maybe do end up feeling the same way about yourself. 

After so long.....

I still don't fair well at Board meetings. Still can't respond well enough.
Sigh.

Self-Deprecation

--> tending or serving to undervalue or disparage onself.
--> trying to make yourself, your abilities and your achievements seem less important.
--> excessively modest.

Reminder to Self:
When self-deprecation goes too far, it can become self-loathing and self-sabotaging, which are less amusing forms of putting yourself down.
And when enough of it happens over time, you believe that you yourself are not worthy.

老娘

老娘 is not a tech savvy person...
Nor is 老娘 very into social media/metworking...
Hence, 老娘 is not on Twitter, Tumblr, Reddit, Pinterest and what have you...
And 老娘 also has no idea how these things work...

So anyway, 老娘 suddenly remembered that a looooong time ago (like maybe 6 years back?!), she did create an Instagram account for fun. Only to be overwhelmed by what it was all about and she decided to just stick to Facebook and ditch all else.

老娘 decided a few days ago to revive that Instagram account and re-installed the Instagram application on her phone.

老娘 is still exploring how to use it and what it can do.

In the meantime, 老娘 has discovered that you can follow someone's else Instagram account, much like how you follow someone on Facebook.

老娘 still has not explored Twitter though...and has no intention to tweet.
老娘 wonders if "tweet" is even a recognised word/verb.

Buzz

I've not had the inspiration to doodle for a long long time. For some reason, today happened to be a day when I decided to pick up my pen. My work PC was undergoing a huge Microsoft Windows 10 update and I couldn't do any work. So I decided to doodle...

The concept? A single-line drawing. The entire piece is made up of a single unbroken line.
Done in 30mins or so?

I don't usually name my doodles. But this one's called Buzz.
Because it's the first word that popped into my mind when I saw it in its finished state.

Hope I get a chance to pick up my pen again soon...

Legal Day Today

I've designated today as Legal Day. The day when I try to concentrate hard on vetting, editing, proof-reading and customising a 21-page legal document to suit a certain project's purpose.

The entire document is a full listing of terms and conditions worded in extremely legalistic language, chockful of references to Articles and clauses of numerous other documents.

#readtillwannavomit

#giamchyemia

#clearingshitforothers

Performance appraisal is over so I can't even add this into my work done for the FY.
Boo :(

Jiayou Michelle! 你可以的!!

My K-journey

I only watched Korean shows on and off in the past. Random but popular shows like Full House, Boys Over Flowers, Coffee Prince and Big. The Crucible introduced me to Gong Yoo (which brought me to watch Coffee Prince) and it was then that I considered him as one of my favourite actors.

I couldn't be considered a K-drama fan as my experience with them was minimal. I wasn't a K-pop fan either. I had no idea who was who and I didn't quite enjoy watching pubescent-looking boys singing.

Fast forward to Dec 2016. For some reason, I must have heard the word "Goblin" more than a few times. A thumbnail of Viu appeared on my FB feed as well. Curious, I clicked on it....and that was when it all began. My almost 1.5 year journey into the K-world.

Within a month from Dec 2016, I devoured several K-dramas including Goblin, Descendants of the Sun, 7 First Kisses (web drama) and Legend of the Blue Sea. I continued with several other popular dramas and by chance, I stumbled on K-variety.

For 7-8 months thereafter, I caught up with almost 200 episodes of 2 Days 1 Night - Season 3. Episodes which spanned from Dec 2013 to date. It remains as one of my favourite variety shows and I am still following it. I then went back to some dramas for awhile before starting on Running Man. It was a popular variety show that I'd read about in the news from time to time. I caught up on episodes from January 2017 to date. I am still following it now.

Other variety shows that have crossed paths with me include The Unit, It's Dangerous Beyond the Blankets and All the Butlers.

And reluctant as I am to admit it, I am a recent convert to K-pop. My main bias is now EXO. Maybe because they have bulked up a little and don't quite resemble the pubescent looking teenage boys of some other groups. Henry Lau, Taeyang, Roy Kim and Jung Joon Young are some of my other favourites as well.  Some others in the industry are really really talented. They speak several languages, play several instruments, were star students in school and can sing, dance and act as well. Super multi-talented and I'm really impressed.

I don't see this K-journey waning anytime soon haha. Maybe the bug doesn't go away once you're bitten by it.  :)

The funny thing is that I laughed at my Dad when he was obsessed with Girls' Generation several years back. I swear he has watched almost every single video available on YouTube that relates to them. For the past year though, he kind of fell out of his obsession and has rarely touched any Kpop video since then....

Decluttering in progress

Office is shifting in April...Colleagues and I have been packing and clearing stuff.

In the midst of packing, I realised I've accumulated 12 namecard boxes worth of namecards over 10.5years. Didn't realised I've met and conversed with so many people over the years.

I went through all namecards and I've to admit. I don't remember ever meeting more than half of those people. And I definitely cannot put a face to the name. I ended up throwing away at least 8 boxes.

In the midst of going through all those namecards, I felt a little sentimental at some point because I realised I met alot of people in my preparation for my biggest project ever in the whole course of my working life...the APRICOT 2013 event. Some ended up being good friends. Some came and went...others ended up in my FB. :)

People come, people go. Some leave nary an imprint on your life save for a quick hello. Others leave more than a lasting impression.

Anyway, more decluttering to come.

The new office cubicle & table space is apparently 90% of our current size and cupboard space is only 50% of our current space....:(

Nadya - N for newborn?

Nadya woke 4 times last night. Twice to pee, twice to throw a fuss for milk.

70-80% of the time I feel like I'm taking care of a newborn at night. For the last 4.5 years.

Groggy, a little breathless, bloated and tired. I hope the work day ahead goes smoothly enough....

p/s: I hope she's not falling sick. Her nose seemed blocked this morning. Sigh...

Exhausted

And so I saw this article on Facebook this morning:
8 Warning Signs You're Mentally and Emotionally Exhausted.

Yeah, I know...take whatever you read online with many pinches of salt...this piqued my interest though...I feel I can relate to it somewhat.

So what are the 8 signs?

1. You are easily irritated
2. Your motivation levels are lower than ever
3. You are experiencing anxiety attacks more than usual
4. You have trouble sleeping
5. Meaningless things upset you
6. You feel dizzy and nauseous
7. You feel like crying for no reason
8. You start to feel detached

Let's see how I fare on these....

1. You are easily irritated - Yes
2. Your motivation levels are lower than ever - Yes
3. You are experiencing anxiety attacks more than usual - Don't think so?
4. You have trouble sleeping - Nope. I'm tired as f*ck so I fall asleep within minutes of lying down.
5. Meaningless things upset you - Yes, sometimes
6. You feel dizzy and nauseous - Yes. For this year, it's almost all the time
7. You feel like crying for no reason - Yes, sometimes.
8. You start to feel detached - Nope. Whatever this means.

I answered yes to more than half the list.

FML?

Rant Post

Feeling stressed, testy and sensitive.

Various things on my plate at work. I've not been able to touch my workplan item much for close to half a year as I've been bogged down by other things. Just kena arrowed to take on something else which was supposed to have been done by someone else. *pui*

He's the same rank as me but since he's a guy I think he's paid more. Why am I catching the balls that he doesn't seem to be able to catch? *pui*

And the registrars...are taking up alot of my time as well.

===============
Sometimes, 一人少说一句, 浪会平静一些 ...

Me saying less or me stopping the conversation does not mean I concede though.

I feel like I'm internalising my feelings...not that good and not that healthy.
How to reduce this? Hmm...

Chronology

20 Feb : Diarrhoea after eating sashimi from Melt Cafe @ Mandarin Oriental Hotel.

21 Feb - 24 Feb : Kathmandu trip. Queasy every morning and had to take anti-nausea pills. Ate little for lunch each day. Tummy would be more stable only after lunch. Appetite would be ok by dinner. Heart palpitations and retching on 24 Feb just before checking out of the hotel.

25 Feb - 28 Feb: On and off bloating and queasiness.

1 Mar: Dinner with the duckies. Had to leave halfway. Took creamy mushroom soup and experienced the same thing ont he last day of the Kathmandu trip. Light-headedness, nauseated and heart palpitations again.

2 Mar - 6 Mar: Poor appetite and bad bloating everyday.

7 Mar: Was ok while taking MRT to work. Started feeling queasy while walking to office from the MRT station. After breakfast, heart started palpitating just a little and tummy was nauseated again. Light-headed, breathless and a little pale. Left office and went to the doctor. Was prescribed anti-nausea pills, antacids, probiotics and medication for distention. Doc said stomach viruses could take up to 3 to 4 weeks to clear up. Really?? FML...

8 Mar to date: On and off queasiness and bad bloating. On and off light-headedness. Eating very small meals during the day. Taking half of what I used to eat for breakfast and half or 1/3 of what I usually take for lunch. Will feel better by dinner but I still can't take too much otherwise I would go to sleep full and end up bloating the next morning.

The dilemma is when I take small meals, I don't feel so bloated but I end up feeling abit more tired and zapped out because I have less fuel for energy. I can't take too much water as it causes me to feel bloated too...


Sigh. Not sure what is wrong...Pls get well soon my tummy...

busy at work

It's been a busy time at work.

Registrar matters are giving me a headache. From enforcement issues of some naughty and non-compliant registrars, to 3 new applications coming in that require lengthy evaluations, to the renewal of contracts of 4 existing registrars that are easier to handle but still cumbersome.

Policy and legal matters for another team's project is quite a challenge as well. Another senior manager was supposed to do this piece of work but apparently couldn't produce results. The work somehow ended up on my lap. (Can I get a portion of his pay then?)

Lending support to some junior staff, of which one of them is new. Strictly speaking, they are not reporting to me and are not my staff. But they are scared of their reporting officer and have also given up on her due to her "not-very-helpful" attitude. So they come to me for advice or help in the course of their work instead. I try to guide whenever I can...especially when their own reporting officer is leaving them to drown.

We are also in the midst of an office move/renovation. Hordes of boxes everywhere in the office. Boxes for paper due to be shredded. Boxes for packing of stuff. Boxes for disposal. It's been a dusty past week and will be for the next couple of weeks till the 100-odd people on this level have packed their things. My nose is acting up a little due to the dust and irritants. And I'm not done packing. Due date's in another 3 weeks.

Ok jiayou....

Kathmandu trip

The trip wasn't one of the better work trips I've had but I'm thankful and not complaining much. Afterall, I eventually got home safe and sound and with no delays to my luggage.

Will I go back to Kathmandu in the future? Nope. Unless I suddenly went cray and decided to go trekking. Or unless I suddenly became a Buddhist and wanted to go the monastries there for dharma studies. Or of course, if it was a bopian-have-to-go business trip again.

It was an in-and-out trip for me. I didn't explore much save for an hour's worth of walking up and down an extremely dusty street (their version of Orchard Road) and getting pelted by bird poo on one occassion.

Food wise, I ate all meals within the hotel. The buffet lunches were ok though I didn't eat much as my tummy was still a little sensitive and fragile from the bout of diarrhoea the night before the trip. For dinners, I mainly at the hotel's resident cafe called "The Coffee Shop". I ordered Western style mains and they were pretty good. :) I loved the warm butter rolls they gave at each meal before our mains were served. Lost track of how much bread I ate on this trip actually haha...alot. Including all the bread rolls given on the flights.

People wise, I can't say much as I didn't interact much with the locals except for the hotel staff. I think the Nepalese are nicer and more sincere than those in India though. Met an old uncle at a small bookstore and souvenir shop. He spoke very pleasantly in Queen's English and shared with me and my boss some of Nepal's history and current state of government. I was thankful for his sharing and his lilting voice...:)

Work wise, I'm really glad for the chance to reconnect with several old friends. I think some of them were really surprised to see me and came over to give me warm hugs. My boss was somewhat surprised and amused too. I think he didn't know I was on close terms with some of these industry people haha.

Family wise....It was the first time I was away from home since the girls were born. I'm glad there were no major major meltdowns. K said Nadya slept pretty well. Unfortunately, the moment I got home after the trip, Nadya started waking up in the middle of the night again. And Alyssa started waking in the night asking for me too. FML....K said "It must be you"...I think so too..It must be me....why ah??

When's my next business trip? Lol, my boss gave me a year's worth of advance notice.
It's gonna be an ICANN meeting in March 2019. Where? Kobe, Japan! Woohoo! At least this time round it's in a developed nation with clean streets and nice food...:) The weather's gonna be really cold in March though....hmm....

For Posterity

Office will be undergoing renovation in the next couple of months so we've been advised to clear up our stuff, shred unwanted confidential papers, send old files out to CISCO, etc.

Found a card of appreciation from what must have been an ex-intern or temp staff. From anywhere between 5 to 7 years ago. She signed off but honestly...I cannot recall who exactly she is. I have a vague recollection but am not sure if it is really her. Anyway, just noting down what she said...for posterity and as a reminder to myself to be nice to people. I think I've become a less nice person as the years go by. :) 

============

Dear Michelle, 

Thank you for sharing your life experiences with me, be it driving, campus life, Chinese New Year, etc. And you are really very supportive when I was still rather new at the job and Jane was on leave and I had nobody to ask or clarify doubts with. Really appreciate it alot. Here's wishing you all the best for the years to come! May it be an exciting and blissful one! Hehe. Stay pretty and see you next time! Take care! :) Love, Xue Fen.

Preggy??

Had a dream last night. That I was pregnant...gosh.

I don't remember any other detail of the dream though...The dream ended abruptly when Nadya woke me up at 410am....dang...wonder what would have gone on in the dream had she not woken me up.

Kathmandu!

It's been a whirlwind the last 2 weeks. From preparing for CNY and making sure I had the right angpows packed for the right people, to thinking and packing for the Kathmandu business trip, to getting work done, to managing family relations....

And so voila...

I'm really here in Kathmandu.

Woke at 5am just to be sure that I was out of the house by 550am, before any of the girls woke. I didn't want to get into a situation where they were potentially in the midst of bawling and I had to leave them. Wouldn't do them any good and wouldn't do my sensitive soul any good too haha.

Had a scare last night when I had diarrhoea. Went to the doc at 11pm to get meds. During the first leg of my flight to Nepal, I was still feeling quite queasy and a little light-headed and nauseated. I was praying that I would get well soon...and I am extremely thankful that my tummy has not acted up today....Guess it helped that I didn't eat much during the entire day.

I was a little nervous during the first leg too. After not having flown for a business trip for so long...somehow I couldn't help but feel nervous haha.

Anyway, it's 1215am now in SG time, 10pm Kathmandu time.

Just came back about an hour ago from a dinner. I was initially only with my boss. 2 members of the industry came by and sat with us and we ended up getting stuck there for a long time....

Kinda surreal to be sitting in a hotel room in Nepal, listening to Korean songs and blogging, with a face mask on.

It's been quite awhile. 5 years and 4 months since my last business trip actually, which was in Toronto back in October 2012.

I hope the girls sleep well tonight. I hope Nadya is ok and is dealing with me not being there well enough. Jiayou to K too...:)

Conversations

With the 2yr 4mth old.........

We were at Parkway Parade waiting for Nadya to finish her speech and drama class. Most shops weren't open yet and K, Alyssa and myself were just wandering around when we found outselves in the basement floor. There was a pet shop there and I wanted to bring Alyssa to see the hamsters which can usually be seen through the shop's windows.

A: Mama, I don't want to see.
Me: Why? I thought you liked hamsters?
A: Noooo...I don't! But I like ham!

LOLOLOLOL. This little girl is turning out to be quite a talker.
And she was the one who made us quite worried initially when she wasn't talking much even at the age of 2.

===================
With the 4yr 4mth old.....

She was having a sausage bun for supper and couldn't finish it. She passed the leftover to K and K asked her why.

N: Because Mama cannot eat too much. Her tummy is fat already.

BIG BIG SIGH. :(  :(  :(  :(  :(

===================
With the 4yr 4mth old....

Alyssa was throwing a tantrum in Nadya's room. Rolling on the floor, screaming at the top of her lungs, big tears and all.

And then Nadya very sagely said "Nevermind, let her be."

A Walk in the Park

K was out for a wedding dinner on Saturday night and we didn't have to go back to my parents' place for dinner as well since we'd already had reunion lunch together. The girls were clamouring over me and asking to go out.

I made them promise to be good during dinner so we could go out after that haha.

We went out during dusk. My favourite time of the day. It was 7:30pm.
The sky was shades of purple, blue, grey and pink. That little precious window of time when everything seems so much clearer and more peaceful. And before the sky turned black.

It was a cool evening. Windy. As usual during each CNY. Is this called the Spring Wind? 春风.

I took them to the park connector. It was a slow slow walk. Partly because Alyssa's strides were only that long (or short for that matter haha). And also partly because I was showing them and telling them about various things. We even stopped for awhile to munch on mini chocolate buns that I'd brought along with me.

Taught them about streetlamps. Played with shadows. Talked about canals and how water from the drains all converge and flow into the main big canal. And how water flows from the canal out to the sea eventually. Showed them ferns and creeping vines on trees. Explained to them the different breeds of dogs since so many of them were out on strolls that evening. Taught Nadya how to look after Alyssa and make sure she didn't get into the path of any bicycles or skate scooters.

We talked about fairy lights too. And reflections of light on water. And high tides versus low tides. Taught Nadya how to read street signs and recognise the one leading to our development. We watched one or two planes go by, almost overhead. And we spent quite some time observing a black and white cat lying on top of a wall. Before Nadya shrieked and ran away when the cat finally decided to jump down and headed towards us in search of food.

We walked. We talked. We laughed. We sang. We giggled. We ate.

It was a short 40minutes but I had a really wonderful time. I hope they did too.

And...

Thank you children.
For opening up Mama's eyes again to all the sights, sounds and wonders of this world. Things which we as adults have come to take for granted and gloss over. Things which we as adults have unconsciously chosen to unsee because they have become inconsequential to the daily grind. Thank you for piquing my curiosity again.

Mindsets

If you cannot change the person/colleague who is bringing you grief, and if getting out of the team is not an option, or changing the environment isn't an option, maybe you could look at changing yourself. 

Not changing yourself by bending your principles just to accommodate the other person, but perhaps tweaking certain mindsets of yours....to allow yourself greater emotional control over the effect the other person has on you.

Afterall, why suffer in silence when the other person doesn't care? Why make yourself miserable when the other person goes off "scott-free"? Why bring yourself grief and emotional distress? And if you bring things up, you may end up being seen as the person being petty or being the "bad guy"?

Maybe I should look at how I can tweak myself or my mindset a little?
How can I grow further? What do I need to do? How do I get myself out of this biased rut?

7 early 8 early

Auntie E, I know it's your first time handling the hotline. You're a mother of 2 teenagers. You're almost 50 years old. No need to be so kancheong and make so much noise every time you pick up a call from the hotline.

"Whooo!! Wah!!! I feel so kan cheong!!???!!"
"How ah?!!"
"Oh my god!!"
"My heart is pumping 100 beats a second!"
"Alamak how?! Sheeeeessshh...Whoa!"
"I'm so scared!!?!"

It's quite loud and rather distracting....
Sigh.

=========================
Auntie L....I know you're busy with alot of things...No need to keep harping on it to me too...
I have alot of things on my plate as well you know...:)

You keep saying you're going mad...but...sigh...anyway...some of us are also busy too, if not even busier...

Of Animals and ......Zodiacs

In the world of fengshui, the Monkey's allies are the Rat and Dragon. The Monkey also has a secret friend, the Snake.

Suddenly realised that my insurance advisor/agent is a Snake. And more recently, I did some transactions with my DBS relationship manager and he is also born in the year of the Snake, though a good 12 years younger than my insurance agent haha.

Nadya is also a Snake. 

This Monkey gets along quite well with Goats too...Alyssa is a Goat. Ally, PQ, KH and Chiewz are all Goats too!

Musings

Nadya's usually not a morning person but she has good days when she wakes on the right side of bed and is cheery and agreeable. The other day when I woke her up for school. The moment she opened her eyes and saw me, she gave me a smile and said: 

"Mama, do you know that the rib cage protects the heart?" 

Hahah...thank you darling for that snippet of information! 

She had learnt it in school the previous day I think and obviously that piece of info was still in her head....:D

=======================

Alyssa is growing fast. 

In the past month, she's suddenly speaking alot more and in proper English and sentences. 

Oh I feel conflicted! I'm happy that she's growing well but I don't want her to grow so fast! 

She's my last kid and if she outgrows her baby-ness....then there'll be no more squishes for me to cuddle anymore...:(

Conversations with a 4yr 3 mth-old

This morning, while getting ready for work and school, Nadya patted my tummy and said:

"Mama, you wear this dress, cannot see your belly. Hehe."


zzzzz.....
Ok noted my darling, I should wear this dress more often then... haha.

frustration is .....

when you are sick and are woken up by your fussy kid a second time within one hour. And when your kid is crying and kicking and refusing to listen to you. And when your kid insists on you fanning her back to sleep because “it’s very hot”. And when your kid then says after 3mins that “it’s very cold”. And when you start crying out of sheer frustration and anger. And when you feel as if your blood vessels are going to burst. And when you beg your kid to sleep through the rest of the night and stop waking up, while you sob uncontrollably. And when your kid finally does go back to sleep but your mind is now so fucking charged up that you can’t get back to sleep even though your body wants to. 

Yakkity Yak

It's been a lot of talk today. Abit too much for me lol. This introvert needs a break from all the talking and socialising.

The day started with a breakfast meeting with an old and close friend from the industry. An hour and a half of talking.

Came back to the office thereafter and immediately had a 20min discussion with the boss. Cleared a little work....

And then I had a lunch meeting again. More talking for another hour and a half. Came back to the office and had a 15min discussion with a colleague....

Bah, too much talking liao hhahaha...I think I'm done for the day...I don't want to talk anymore and shall hide in my cubicle till the end of the work day lol......

My sore throat wasn't doing too good last night....It still hurts now.  :(

Imagine

It was a fleeting image but it brought me warmth and anticipation. 

I was walking back to the inlaws place yesterday evening when I saw a mother with 2 primary-school-going daughters. The older girl was probably 10 years old and the younger one was 7 or 8. The two girls were dressed in long cotton nightgowns. One had princess characters printed on the front and the other I couldn't see clearly but I guessed it would have been similar princess characters too. 

And then an image came to mind. It was fleeting...but it made me warm and fuzzy and brought a smile to my face. 

It was me with Nadya and Alyssa. They both had hair past their shoulders. We were all dressed in pyjamas. We were huddled together on a bed and it was a rainy night. Each of them were curled up in the nook of both my arms...and we were reading a storybook together....Nadya looked about 8 in the image, which means Alyssa would be around 6. 

*love* 

I wonder how they'll grow up to be...:)

woozy

Had a sudden but split-second wave of dizziness on Tuesday while buying lunch. My colleague was with me and I grabbed his arm instinctively. It was over in a split-second but I felt a little odd thereafter.

I've been lightheaded on and off since that day. Today's Thursday. I think I'll go see the doctor tomorrow....hope it's not low blood pressure or anything though some of my symptoms point to that...

Presentation to the Minister

Did a presentation to a Minister today. It was a short session peppered with small quick discussions here and there. All in all, the session lasted only 20mins. He was rather quick-witted and could grasp things easily.

Oh the amount of preparation that went into it....the clearance and number of emails that went into getting the slide deck ready...the number of calls I had with my counterpart in the Ministry.....the nervousness I felt for the entire day yesterday (which thankfully dissipated when it was time to "perform")....All these did not commensurate with the duration of the session....just 20mins lol.

Am just glad it went well. Partly it was because the Minister himself was a friendly and approachable person. Very affable and no airs about him. He made jokes here and there as well and was generally very easy to talk to.

Glad this is over!
Good experience...

Chilli

I grew up in a Peranakan household. And of course, chilli and other spicy stuff were a part and parcel of life. I can't recall when I learnt how to take spicy food but I do remember eating prata and curry when I was in P1 or P2.

Even when my granny could no longer cook and my mum took over, there was usually at least 1 spicy dish each day or every other day. Otherwise my Dad would get upset and complain that the food was bland haha.

Ever since I moved out of home in 2012, I've been eating mostly at my inlaws place where food is usually lighter and not spicy. Curries or vege lemak were occasional treats. :)

Recently, I'd developed a craving for sambal and chillies to add to my rice. My MIL gave me a bottle of green and red chilli sambal that they had made. A recipe that they accidentally stumbled upon when they ran out of red chillies and made do with green chillies. The sambal turned out great....and yeah, I made my liking for it known and voila....I was thus given a bottle of it haha.

I think greedy me took too much of it yesterday....I'm poo-ing more today....and erm...my intestines feel spicy....:(

3 Jan

My first day back to work in 2018.

Before I even stepped into the office, I received a frantic call from one of my registrars and spent the next 45mins looking into an ops issue of theirs.

Sibei busy day.

More discussions to come later....Just finished my dabao-ed lunch!
Back to work!

p/s: about lunch.....made the mistake of ordering fried rice instead of getting something lighter from subway....boo.

2 Jan - Decluttering & Packing

I refused to work on the first official working day of the new year. Heh.

I took leave and spent the entire day packing my room and bits of Nadya's room and running errands. Managed to squeeze in a nap and a short walk/jog as well. It was a tiring day...but fulfilling too.

I cleared my desk, cleaned out 2 drawers as well and re-jigged some stuff in the bathroom. K sorted out the entire kitchen and all the storage cabinets there. He found a roach and many roach droppings in the process too. :( Need to step up hygiene levels and nag at the helper to do so too.

We threw out 3 big black bags worth of rubbish.

There will be more to come when I start working on the girls' old, broken toys or those with parts missing here and there. And maybe even more again when I decide to shave off part of the mini garden outside and when I take a look at what we have in the storeroom.

It'll be an on-going project de-cluttering the whole house...
One area per weekend? Take another 2-3 days' of leave to do so? I dunno....see how....

Jiayou to us!

2018 - Less Junk, Less Gunk

Happy New Year!
May 2018 bring to everyone more good things! Huat ah!

For me, my theme, or motto, or mission, or whatever you call it.....for 2018 is "Less Junk, Less Gunk".

Yup. Less junk and less gunk in all aspects.

Work
- focus on the key items
- see if I can speak to the boss and throw out the melodrama associated with ops
- minimise interactions with toxic colleagues

Relationships
- focus on those who matter
- weed out toxic relationships or at least minimise interactions with these people

Home
- throw out or donate unnecessary stuff (glad that I've donated at least 3 bags' worth of kids clothes to some village in Myanmar already...)

Body/Health
- eat better, eat cleaner, eat lighter (I've let loose over the last 2-3 years and it shows....both in my blood tests and my erm....wobbly belly...)
- more fresh air!

Relac

Today is the last working day for me for the year 2017.

I bochup and wore jeans to work.

I got myself fried beehoon and my fav chicken wrap from Old Chang Kee for breakfast.

I went to Ichiban Boshi for lunch with my team.

I had a very light lunch of a half a rice-bowl of soba + 2 pieces of sushi so I'll probably be having milo and cream crackers for tea-break soon.

I got some stuff cleared and am working on a non-urgent piece of work now.

I bought 2 tops online earlier in the day.

That about wraps up my last day of work for this year!

May 2018 bring more good things to my family and loved ones, my girls, K and me....
Huat ah!

Peanut's in N1 Santorini

Peanut's having a hard time adjusting to N1...her transition over the last 3-4 weeks has been terrible with long bouts of crying in the mornings. My heart aches to see her cry every morning when the teachers peel her away from me.

Just spoke to her form teacher and apparently these 2 days has been bad after the Xmas break...She has her good times where she manages to laugh and play. But she gets emotional and is easily triggered into crying, especially when she sees her former form teacher walking by her class....:(

I've told Nadya to try to take care of Peanut and give her some support if she happens to see her crying. But I think that might be too much to ask of the 4yr-old, who has her own class activities to handle.....

I hope Peanut adjusts soon...This is the 2nd or 3rd time I'm talking to the teacher already...:(

Peanut...jiayou!
Dada, Mama and Jie jie love you loads!

lists...

I shared an article on FB a few days ago. It was about the invisible mental load of mothers.
Let's see...what's my mental load?

1. Weekend menu planning
2. Weekly grocery planning list
3. Stock-taking of food and supplies at home (tried outsourcing to the helper to no avail)
4. Monthly online grocery list (mainly bulky items, homecare products and frozen food)
5. What to get to keep the kids entertained and/or stimulated? 
6. Which days will the school be closed?
7. When are the girls' excursions? When do I need to fill up and send back the consent forms and make payment? Do they need to dress up in PE attire on that day? What do they need to bring on that day?
8. What class activities are the girls doing next week and what art materials do the teachers need us to contribute? 
9. All other stuff that the school sends out on a weekly/daily/monthly basis
10. Which toys need to be thrown away? What old clothes need to be kept or donated? 
11. Are the girls growing well? 
12. Xmas presents 
13. CNY angpows 
14. What CNY goodies need to be bought?
15. When is the helper taking her off day?
16. Is the helper doing things right?
17. What does the helper need to concentrate on this week or next week or the week after? 
18. Has the helper completed the extra stuff I asked her to do last week?
19. When do we need to celebrate the inlaws' birthdays? When do we need to celebrate my parents' birthdays? When can we do Mothers' and Fathers' Day celebration for both families?
20. When are my checkups? Do I need to do anything before that?
21. Am I doing the right things?
22. Do we need to do anything for the neighbours for Xmas or CNY?
23. The curtains need washing
24. The aircon needs servicing
25. The windows, cupboards, fridge, utility area and storeroom need to be cleaned from time to time
26. The plants, whatever is left of them, need to be pruned 
27. Need to cut my hair!
28. Have I paid my bills?? Credit card, my insurance, the girls' insurance, mobile?!
29. Need to "trim back" the organically growing piles of junk everywhere in the house
30. Need to....
31. Want to...
32. Am I....
33. What do we....
34. When are we....
35. And the list goes on......................
36. and on...................

Genius Peanut

Had the most vivid and awesome dream last night. I remember waking in the middle of the night thinking "Wow! Just wow!"

In the dream. Alyssa was a super duper child genius. At the age of 2, she was representing IMDA and Singapore at a United Nations forum. Yes, at the age of TWO haha.

She spoke passionately about an issue in particular. Grand hand gestures and all. I can't remember what issue though. And in the dream, she was speaking in that baby voice of hers, poor diction, unclear pronunciation, lisps and all haha.

But still! Being the genius that she was, she convinced many countries to take the same position as Singapore and everyone voted to not ratify an international treaty of sort...Again, I can't remember what the treaty was about. The delegation from Singapore, with her as the main speaker, had a resoundingly successful trip to that forum!

The organisers must have given her a very tall stool to stand on because I remember her head just peeking over the lectern when she was speaking haha.

This is probably the most awesome dream I've ever had!
Hahaha...I woke feeling so proud and elated, even if it was just a dream..... :)

Reconnecting

This year's Xmas festivities were pretty good...I was a little jaded last year and tired as hell to be honest. I don't think I enjoyed the holidays as much as I should have.

This year, I felt that all gatherings went well and were better than I'd expected. Just simple nice times spent with close friends, fast and firm friends, and of course...family.

• 14 Dec - Dinner with the Duckies...more meaningful conversations...laughter as usual and we'd already made plans on the "theme" for next year's Xmas gifts. We're supposed to buy something round. Up to us to define what "round" is ahahaha. One whole year to think through what to get!
• 16 Dec - Dinner with K's family at his parents' place. Home-baked turkey and other home-cooked food, plus some beef and roasted pork I brought from my company's leftover function made for a yummy dinner.
• 22 Dec - Lunch with PQ & Ally and Kyler, followed by a visit to Parwin and her new baby Eshaan! Thoroughly enjoyed the lunch time together though I think I had to much truffle fries haha.  
• 23 Dec - Dinner with the rest of the sec sch peeps at Eugene & Yenhui's place. With 8 adults, 8 kids and 1 more baby on the way....gatherings in the future would probably be at someone's house more often than not...This year, with most of the kids being older already, we even managed to get almost 2 hours of sitting, drinking and chatting by ourselves at the dining table. The kids were either glued to the TV or playing on their own. Yay to more of such!
• 24 Dec - Annual gathering as usual at Uncle David's place. Managed to catch up with my cousin Suli, which was nice...even managed to interact with Baby Ashlyn without the girls getting jealous haha...
• 25 Dec - Xmas day dinner with my own family at Katong Kitchen, one of our favourite buffet places. :) Food was good, company was good, Nadya fed herself more than half of her bowl before getting distracted (hahaha).....what more could I ask for? 

Long toes!

Facebook reminded me that on 20 December 2008, I posted this photo on FB.

I distinctly remembered where I was, why I was sitting there, what thoughts were going through my head, who I was waiting for and what song I was listening to on repeat.

Where I was: Steps leading to the Harbourfront MRT station. This was at the exit at the back. Very few people pass by this exit.

Why I was sitting there: Waiting for someone.

What thoughts I was having: Anger, sadness, disappointment at something that happened. I was also at a loss and in a muddled fuddled state. I was trying to find my bearing and wondering what I should do next.

Who I was waiting for: An ex

What song I was listening to: Angel by Sarah McLachlan. I was using my Ipod Nano I think. One of the earliest incarnations of it haha. I listed to the song at least 12-15 times. Can you imagine how long I was made to wait there? I remember thinking to myself then "I'm always the one who is waiting. Since day 1 when I was made to wait 1.5hrs for the first date. Why? Am I that unimportant? I probably am. For things to have come to such a state."


p/s: My nail polish was quite chio! I've not done my nails up for a long long long long time...ever since the kids came into the picture haha....I should do them up for Xmas!!....DIY at home....if I can find the energy to at night when they are asleep. :D

Peanut is sick...

Alyssa is sick again. Fever in the middle of the night.
Might be the black forest cake on Saturday and the choc donut on Sunday that did her in.

Body is at work but the heart is at home. :(

She cried big time when I left the house this morning. Heart pain....

I've made up my mind to head home after lunch, sometime in the early afternoon....maybe do some simple painting with her...or blow bubbles with her when she wakes from her afternoon nap.

Get well soon peanut.!You still have 4 more parties/gatherings this coming Xmas weekend....22, 23, 24 and 25 Dec....

Conversations

Funny how conversations go the older one gets.

In my 20s, conversations with the Duckies revolved around asshole boyfriends, horrible dates, gossip about the company and our ex-boss, updates on whichever workplace we were at at that point, general trivia, bitching and well, more bitching. 

Truth be told, though I treasured them as friends and appreciated being part of the group, sometimes I felt abit zapped out by the incessant bitching. Too much of it haha. 

As I moved into my 30s, there was a noticeable shift in conversations whenever we got together. Especially in the last 2 to 3 years. 

It became even more apparent to me in our last 2 meet-ups. 

Our talk is no longer about horrible dates. Though as a group we went through 2 divorces  (both were cheating cases) and had to contend with one of our own ghosting us. All of which happened within the last 3 years. 

Our talk is now about health, be it our eczema issues (which surprisingly a lot of us have), EH’s immune disorder issue, G’s hepatitis issue, our digestive issues, etc. 

Our talk is now about quick but meaningful updates of our current lives. Our talk is about our siblings and familial relationships. Our talk is now about careers (not jobs and workplace gossip). Our talk is now about reminiscing.

Sure, the lame jokes are still there. The occasional bitching is still there. But generally, I feel our conversations have become abit more meaningful, at least to me. 

And there is this easy camaraderie amongst us as a group, including the “associate members” I.e the boyfriends and husbands. 

Here’s to 15 years and counting! May this band of Duckies go strong! 

The Duckies

Had dinner with the Duckies this evening. Our annual Xmas gift exchange and dinner gathering. 5 of us ladies plus 2 “associate members” I.e boyfriends/husbands. Thankful that somehow this motley crew has managed to remain together for the last 15 years! 

One of the ladies kinda abandoned us 2 or 3 years back and despite various attempts to get through to her, she didn’t really reciprocate. It was a sudden and some say, deliberate, distancing from us. Anyway, we’ve since given up on her and we’re pretty ok as we are right now in this group. 

Cheers to more years of friendship, nonsense chatter and many guffaws! 

存在 - 汪峰

Not sure if I've posted this before....but this remains as one of my favourite songs with very meaningful lyrics....存在 (Exist) by 汪峰 (Wang Feng)

存在 - 汪峰

多少人走着却困在原地
duo shao ren zou zhuo que kun zai yuan di

多少人活着却如同死去
duo shao ren huo zhuo que ru tong si qu

多少人爱着却好似分离
duo shao ren ai zhuo que hao si fen li

多少人笑着却满含泪滴
duo shao ren xiao zhuo que man han lei di

谁知道我们该去向何处
shui zhi dao wo men gai qu xiang he chu

谁明白生命已变为何物
shui ming bai sheng ming yi bian wei he wu

是否找个借口继续苟活
shi fou zhao ge jie kou ji xu gou huo

或是展翅高飞保持愤怒
huo shi zhan chi gao fei bao chi fen nu

我该如何存在
wo gai ru he cun zai

多少次荣耀却感觉屈辱
duo shao ci rong yao que gan jue qu ru

多少次狂喜却倍受痛楚
duo shao ci kuang xi que bei shou tong chu

多少次幸福却心如刀绞
duo shao ci xing fu que xin ru dao jiao

多少次灿烂却失魂落魄
duo shao ci can lan que shi hun luo po

谁知道我们该去向何处
shui zhi dao wo men gai qu xiang he chu

谁明白生命已变为何物
shui ming bai sheng ming yi bian wei he wu

是否找个理由随波逐流
shi fou zhao ge li you sui bo zhu liu

或是勇敢前行挣脱牢笼
huo shi yong gan qian xing zheng tuo lao long

我该如何存在
wo gai ru he cun zai

谁知道我们该去向何处
shui zhi dao wo men gai qu xiang he chu

谁明白生命已变为何物
shui ming bai sheng ming yi bian wei he wu

是否找个借口继续苟活
shi fou zhao ge jie kou ji xu gou huo

或是展翅高飞保持愤怒
huo shi zhan chi gao fei bao chi fen nu

谁知道我们该梦归何处
shui zhi dao wo men gai meng gui he chu

谁明白尊严已沦为何物
shui ming bai zun yan yi lun wei he wu

是否找个理由随波逐流
shi fou zhao ge li you sui bo zhu liu

或是勇敢前行挣脱牢笼
huo shi yong gan qian xing zheng tuo lao long

我该如何存在
wo gai ru he cun zai

It’s happening all over again

The night terrors. 

It happened with Nadya when she was around 2 and lasted several months I think. She’d wake up screaming and crying in the middle of the night. Nothing you said got through to her and she would mumble a phrase repeatedly. Something like “don’t want” or “I want mama”. Either that or she would just be screaming, crying, struggling and rejecting everyone who tried to touch her. 

It’s happening to Alyssa now too. Sigh....she’s been waking up screaming for a couple of days now.

And for some reason, Nadya has had pee “accidents” during the night more frequently than usual. I think it’s happened twice in a month already. When she was doing very well over the last 6-8months! She just peed on her bed and dripped onto my tilam on the floor as well.

What’s happening here? Transition to new classes leading to behavioural and sleep pattern changes? 

Jiayou jiayou.....*fighting*

Of lollipops and charity

Lollipop time is always happy time!

Taken after a grocery trip to Giant at Parkway Parade the Saturday just past. We had gone there buying some items to be donated to an old folks’ home through their school. Stuff we bought were bath towels, fleece blankets and milo powder.

I tried to explain to Nadya why we were buying the things. I hope she understands. At least she could tell me that “the grandmas and grandpas were lonely and didn’t have money and that we were buying them Xmas gifts”.

yin yue

Is 37 too old to be falling into the kpop craze?

Mando pop/rock still holds a special place in my heart though. Afterall, I was fan of 933FM for a good 12-13 years?

Musical accompaniments

Not literally...but music was an accompaniment to my otherwise drab working day today...

Whose music was there with me?

1. GEM
2. Namewee (yes, surprising....but he has some nice stuff)
3. Wanna One (Daniel Kang is cute in a way...jialat I may be falling into a kpop abyss)
4. Henry and Yiruma's collaboration for "River Flows in You"

Monday 4 Dec - the day the chilli padi reared her head

We brought the girls to Kinder Clinic in the evening. For Alyssa's persistent runny nose and developing cough.

While waiting for Alyssa's turn, Nadya read a book that was in our bag. That happened to be Alyssa's favourite book. In her 2-year-old mind, that was her favourite book and hence, that was HER book. 

She saw Nadya reading it and got riled up. She went to grab it from Nadya who held onto the book and refused to let go. 

*bam* Beast mode. 

Alyssa scratched Nadya's face. That small little thing with the sweetest face....is actually a little chilli padi lah. 

Nadya was so shocked and in pain that she bawled immediately. Alyssa, after being scolded by yours truly, started wailing as well. 

And this was all unfolding in front of the other small kids and parents in the clinic. So paiseh....

In the end, Nadya suffered from 3 cuts/scratches to her lips and 1 bigger scratch on her nose. Poor thing...

As for Alyssa, she did say sorry on her own accord, but only 5-10mins later. And they ended up hugging as well so it was touching to see. 

Today's Thursday. Nadya's scratches are still visible but healing quite well. Scabs have already formed so I expect them to fall off by this weekend. 

Long weekend last week

It was a hectic weekend last week. The school was closed on Thursday and Friday so it became a super loooooong weekend for us.

Thursday 30 Nov - blowing bubbles in the carpark and then to the small playground below our block in the morning. Went to OneKM for an early dinner following by a 30-min kids show where we saw Angelina the mouse and her friend Alice, Mike the Knight, Thomas the Train and the highlight of the show, Barney and friends. Had waffles and ice-cream after the show, to the girls's delight. :) It was the first time ever that Alyssa had ice-cream I think. Mouthfuls of it haha.

Friday 1 Dec - we brought them for breakfast at Resorts World's Macdonald's and then to the SEA aquarium in the morning. The girls were wowed by the colourful fishes inside, by the dolphins and big manta rays and by the sharks. They got to touch starfishes but got scared by a black sea cucumber and refused to touch it haha.

Saturday 2 Dec - breakfast in the morning was at the new SingPost Centre, followed by grocery shopping at the NTUC there. In the evening, it was dinner as usual at my parents' place. The girls kinda went wild over there, screaming, squealing, laughing, giggling and running all over the place.

Sunday 3 Dec - For the life of me, I can't remember what we did on Sunday morning lol. In the afternoon, we went for Nadya's swimming class as usual. When we got home, the girls insisted on going for a walk. We relented. Which invariably led to them wanting to go to the big playground at the park near our place. And so we went...haha.

The Sisters

Brought the 2 girls to the doc last evening. There were many people at the clinic and the dispensary took a long time with the numerous prescriptions.

I brought the girls downstairs to wait while K settled the bill and their medications.

The girls were quite excited and ran around the lobby of the building. Nadya was on a high...buzzing here and there. Both were shrieking, squealing, laughing, giggling...

And there were moments when they hugged, held hands and played with each other. Short fleeting moments but they were sweet and I was glad I managed to witness them. Nadya gave Alyssa a peck on her cheek too at one point, to which Alyssa responded with a big cheeky smile that crinkled up her entire face.

Living for moments like these that make my heart go fuzzy-wuzzy.

And then of course right after such moments, they morph back into crazy little shrieking people and make me lose my patience.

Hmm

It was a thumbs-down moment for me. 

Someone I’d known for more close to 15 years texted me with a “How are you dear?”. He’s a guy. We were closer once but we’ve hardly kept in touch in the last 5-6 years.

I thought it was nice of him to have touched base and reached out. I responded with some stuff and asked him how he was doing too. 

There was no response for several days. 

And then suddenly there came a text. But all it contained was a reference to an article he had written on LinkedIn and a shout-out to read the article. 

I did not respond. I found it a little distasteful and a little...I don’t know...disappointed? Dismayed? 

I felt like as I had been disarmed by the initial text and opened up myself. I responded sincerely with genuine information. But for several days there was zero acknowledgement to what I had shared. He didn’t care a hoot about what I’d said. And then instead after that, I suddenly found myself becoming a recipient of unsolicited marketing. (He runs a training business, motivational talks and coaching that sort of thing.)

When I received the article link, I immediately wondered. Was I just one of the many he mass-texted with a “How are you dear?” And was I just one of many who received he article link too? 

I was also suddenly reminded of another occasion where the same happened. I brushed it off the other time and didn’t think too much of it. But a second time....bah...

Maybe I am judging too much here. Maybe I have mistaken his intent. I don’t know. 

Am I judging too much? 

Hermit

老娘i今天anti-social。不想跟太多人说话或接触。 连好朋友KH和同组的同事想约我一起吃午餐我也都拒绝了。打包了pasta，想躲在自己的空间，自己的cubicle边吃边上网。

越老越像hermit crab哈哈。

或可能是前三天在周围太多声音，太多杂声，小孩子们也一直在身边叽里咕噜。。。前个星期同事的下属也一直在问我东西。。。现在我只想平静一下，平复一下。

niam

It's important to have good staff working under you. Otherwise....有时候真的是吐血.....

Conversations with a 25month-old

Earlier this evening. In the car.

Alyssa: Mama, I want keys.
Me: Oh, you want a kiss? *puckers up and leans in* *gets stopped by a chubby hand*
A: Noooooo!!! I want keys! *points*
Me: Oh. Keys. CHEY.....

===============
Earlier this evening. In the same journey. Nadya was fussing in the car.

Alyssa responded several times with “shhhhhh” to shush Nadya up.
K and I were frustrated with Nadya. But we couldn’t help but smile at Alyssa’s response haha.

===============
The helper had her day off today and when she came back, Alyssa was trying to tell her that we went out earlier in the evening.

A: Auntie Hope, we go out somewhere. We eat um-um. Yummy!
Helper: Where did you go?
A: There!

===============
On Friday evening.

Me: Alyssa, can you count to 100?
A: Yesh! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14.......100!
Super shortcut lol.....!!

I knew it!

Alyssa woke several times during the night last night. She was screaming and asking for me.

I was thinking that she might be coming down with a fever soon...

And voila. Her form teacher just called.

She's running a 38.4C temperature.

K's gone to fetch her home from the school already.....
My sweet little happy pill....sigh...:(

I hope she sleeps better tonight. And I hope Nadya will be ok. She was acting out last night as well...
May this Mama get sufficient rest tonight...!

The Dam

It finally broke. At 3am in the morning. 

Triggered out of pure frustration, anger and desperation. 

Nadya has been crying every single night since 2 or 3 weeks ago. Every single time she wakes up to pee. Which is usually twice a night. And on rare occasions, 3 times. And she takes long to fall back to sleep. Half the time she needs to fuss before she falls back to sleep. 

I don’t know what happened. What changed. It wasn’t so bad previously. 

She whimpers and kicks several times during the night and a he talks at times in her sleep as well.

I’m tired af. Finally cried. At 3am. Was so frustrated at her senseless crying and fussing earlier on after she got up to pee. 

She fussed a lot before she slept as well. I had to clench my fists to stop myself from screaming. I had to sit facing the wall for 5-10mins to keep myself sane and not lose it. 

Tired. Frustrated. Raw. 

Lagging on some work stuff as well. And on some personal things to do. 

I want a break. 

From everything. And everyone. 

Hurt is when

Your younger girl says “I don’t want Mama!”.

3 times.  

In her fussy, sleepy, crying, messy state.

While being carried by the helper.

She’s never done that previously. I’m upset. Quite upset. Very upset. 

My firstborn

I know I have a sensitive and emo girl - Nadya. But I didn't know she feels that much.

I promised her she could watch a short video the other day. It was a video of Belle (from the 1991 cartoon Beauty and the Beast) going out in the snowy wilderness and getting trapped in the waters of an icy lake when the thin layer of ice on the lake's surface broke. The Beast turned up at the last critical moment and rescued her. Belle was so exhausted and traumatised that she was limp in his arms.

It was a 4-min video I think. When it ended, I turned to look at Nadya and her eyes were already teary and red-rimmed. I got a shock and immediately hugged her.

Turned out that she thought Belle was going to die and she felt so sad that she started tearing.

:(  My sensitive little girl....
Maybe I should be more careful...

Kim Joo Hyuk

Kim Joo Hyuk's death in a bad car accident on 31 October was a shock to many in the Korean entertain industry. And to his fans as well as those who watch 2D1N Season 3.

It was somewhat of a shock to me as well and for several days after that I did feel a little down.
Afterall, I'd watched all 200 episodes (almost 200 I think) Season 3 episodes from end 2013 to date over the last 8 months or so. And I feel rather "close" to the 2D1N members of Season 3 (past and present)....

He was only 46, at the prime of his career and he was planning to marry his girlfriend as well...

Rest in peace KJH, Gutaeng-hyung.
I hope you are reunited with your parents now and having fun with them on the other side of the rainbow.

Me these days

Testy
Irritable
Sensitive
Impatient
Frustrated
Teary
Tired


Various things to be done
Various things to remember
Miniscule things
Bigger things
Some grating team-mates


Need more patience
Need more adrenaline
Need more zen


Need to learn how to pick my battles
Need to remind myself that some battles can be fought later on, at the right timing

Dad

My Dad's turning 75 in 2 weeks' time.

It doesn't quite hit me yet that he's of that age till I wrote it down. Our parents are really getting older...I'm glad they are still relatively mobile and independent.

He's getting old. But his bad temper is still there. Obstinate like an ox at times. Feisty and crabby too. He may throw a fit and complain till the cows come home but at the end of the day, he will usually still reluctantly give in to my mum if she is persistent enough.

The one thing that turns him into mush is probably his 2 grand-daughters hahahha.

Mum & Dad argued on the phone yesterday. We were having 3-way conversation and he slammed the phone down on the both of us. He's never done that before and while it didn't really surprise me, I was still a little taken back that he'd felt so strongly about the whether to buy a new fridge for their home or not.

Anyway....I'm hoping the both of them will work out something. As they've had for the last 40-odd years :)

Conversations with a 4yr-old

During bathtime last Friday.

Nadya: Mama! Look at my pee! It's yellow. *grins*
Me: Erm yup...
N: Is it only Singaporeans' pee that is yellow? Or (all) humans?
Me: All humans darling....depends on how much water you drink too...the shade of yellow will be different.
Me: I think animals' pee is yellow too....

Bio lesson? Lol...

Mum

Mum was discharged last Friday i.e. 27 Oct, after a couple days' stay in the hospital.

Her CT scan, ECG, heart echo, blood tests were ok. She didn't manage to do a proper stomach endoscopy though. And that was where they discovered what was wrong.

She has a narrowing of her esophagus, which explains why she had difficulty swallowing stuff in the 2 weeks before she was admitted. Each time she swallowed food or even water, she would experience pain in her chest. The hospital also discovered a small white protrusion within the esophagus, just above the narrowing. They managed to scrape a portion of it out to do a biopsy. She lost about 2-over kg.

They were supposed to get back to us this Monday on the biopsy results. It's Thursday already but we've not heard from them yet. I suppose this is good news. No news is good news right?

All we can do now is to wait till Nov 15 for her next appointment with the hospital.

In the meantime, she's eating rather light foods and chewing everything into very tiny pieces before swallowing. She's taking strong antacids and other strong anti-acid medication to combat her acid reflux.

She's a little frustrated at having to eat just mee sua or porridge everyday and has started experimenting with tiny pieces of pandan cake and chee cheong fun. All good so far so she's happy about that.

Jiayou mummy!
I hope you don't lose anymore weight.....

I don't mean to be mean but....

So a Facebook messenger group chat was set up like 4 years ago for my primary school class.
There was a gathering at that time but I didn't attend it as I was in my last few weeks of pregnancy.

Someone revived the chat this morning. To inform the rest of us that an ex-classmate's mother had passed on. Details of the wake were also shared and we were encouraged to send in messages of support and love to the chat. Someone suggested pooling funds and sending a wreath to the wake. 

I don't mean to be mean but....

• When the initial message came in to notify us that so-and-so's mum had passed on, I was wondering who that so-and-so was. I simply couldn't recall that classmate at all. When I finally remembered roughly who she was, I couldn't put a face to the name.   
• I've not seen nor spoken to that classmate for 25 years. After we went our separate ways after the PSLE, I did not keep in touch much with my classmates...
• I don't think I would (i) contribute anything to the wreath or the wake, and (ii) drop by the wake.

While she shared maybe 2-3 years of primary school life with me, she was not part of my life for the next and more important 25 years and I don't think we would reconnect anytime soon too.... 

To my P6 ex-classmate:

I'm sorry for your loss...My deepest condolences to you and your family. I hope your father is taking it well too. It sounds cliched but it's true, time does wash away some of the pain so take heart. Jiayou.